Life has been...different. It's been...weird, to say the least. I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet. A different stress. A different life.
By all means, please don't hear complaint. I'm not complaining. It's different.
I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek. And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.
You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless. I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore. I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.
There, I said it. Depression. The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.
I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face. Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down. I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years. The last one was...terrifying.
I remember the first time it happened. I almost committed suicide. I was ready to give up, give in. Instead, He brought me to Jesus. It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace. If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.
Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction. Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place. He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light. He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me. He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance. This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.
Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different. It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing. The darkness name: sexual abuse. I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it. The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness. I was...broken. I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing. To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this. Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive. Some days are better than others. Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come. The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything. So, some nights, some days are better than others. My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare. (This a few years later, after the counseling.)
After counseling, I was...free. God opened so many doors, so many friendships. He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.
Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness. The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.
And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!
With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT! He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning. He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley. As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful. To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.
Hold on, Beloved. Hold on. FIGHT! Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in. Instead, make a way for Me! Instead, worship Me! Instead, honor Me! Instead, love Me! AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU! I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU! I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!
With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus! Yes!! I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope. Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You. I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed. I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.
Above all...I will love. I will love.
My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up. Don't lose hope. FIGHT! Believe! Seek! And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness. There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.
By all means, please don't hear complaint. I'm not complaining. It's different.
I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek. And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.
You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless. I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore. I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.
There, I said it. Depression. The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.
I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face. Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down. I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years. The last one was...terrifying.
I remember the first time it happened. I almost committed suicide. I was ready to give up, give in. Instead, He brought me to Jesus. It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace. If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.
Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction. Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place. He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light. He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me. He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance. This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.
Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different. It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing. The darkness name: sexual abuse. I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it. The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness. I was...broken. I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing. To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this. Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive. Some days are better than others. Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come. The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything. So, some nights, some days are better than others. My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare. (This a few years later, after the counseling.)
After counseling, I was...free. God opened so many doors, so many friendships. He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.
Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness. The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.
And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!
With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT! He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning. He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley. As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful. To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.
Hold on, Beloved. Hold on. FIGHT! Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in. Instead, make a way for Me! Instead, worship Me! Instead, honor Me! Instead, love Me! AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU! I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU! I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!
With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus! Yes!! I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope. Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You. I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed. I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.
Above all...I will love. I will love.
My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up. Don't lose hope. FIGHT! Believe! Seek! And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness. There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.
I love your heart Alex. I love your honesty. I love you. Ill always be here. I have been but not always the best at it! Chin up sis, we are after all sisters in Christ our lord!
ReplyDeletePsalm 68:19(HCSB)
May the Lord be praised!
Day after day He bears our burdens;
God is our salvation.Selah
Jennifer
I love you too! So thankful for the years we had!
ReplyDelete