Seriously?!?....6-26-13

Okay...so this is all verbal vomit.  I apologize now.  I sincerely do.  But if you don't want to read on, don't.  Fair warning...words won't be nearly as pretty this time 'round.

Sooo....

Getting a contact text message, and other contact stuff, from a previous person from my past...Yeah, not so much.  Yeah.  You know.  The same person who attempted marriage proposal through text.  The same person who...okay...I really really really need to just leave it at that.

Guy, what in the world were you thinking?!  I've moved on.  It doesn't include you.  I'd apologize for that, but frankly, I don't feel the necessity to.

I dealt with the fall-out from you.  And my gosh was there fall-out from you.  And I didn't even realize it til AFTER I dealt with it.  The emotional manipulation.  The...wanting to control, to trying to make you the center of my universe.  Yeah.  No.  Oh hell no.  Sooooo not happening.  Sorry.  I already had one man in my life try and do that.  I'm not about to willingly enter into another one.  I refuse to allow myself to be abused once again.  NOT HAPPENING.

And yes.  I am royally pissed.  Pissed at the enemy.  Pissed at this man who thinks it's okay, after months, to just waltz back into my life and pick up as if nothing ever happened.

No. freakin'. way.

I refuse.

Just...AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.  So, my response to this:  (copied directly from my text message, minus a few details like names, etc.)

"Alex!??"

"Hello..."

"Ru alex???"

"Yes...I'm sorry.  Who is this?"  (okay...in my defense...stupid now I realize...since all of my parents from work have my number, I never know when I'll be contacted for my primary job...it's happened this late before, especially if there are...special circumstances...with my kiddos)

" (insert man's name here)"

"Ohhh.  Okay."  (I may be wordy, but what the heck do you expect me to say, when I had no clue and you freakin' came out of the woodworks like a cockroach.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!)

"Wow not the response I hoped for..."  (Again, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!?!??!?!??!?!  I take back my original statement from fb.  Boys are weird.  Now, I know there are exceptions, like EF, and DM, and BT, and...okay, you get the point.  But still.  Did you expect me to jump for joy and be yippee!! ?!?!  Um, no thank you.)

"...I don't know how to respond.  Except to be as truthful as possible.  It's been a really long time since I've heard from you.  And during that time, I met an amazing man...."

And I promise, there's a reason why I'm typing all of this out, even if most of it first began in anger.  (I've calmed down as I've typed.)

That last statement from me...

...was all true.  I have met an amazing man.  He is a man who is pursuing God with all he knows how.  He is a man who makes me dig in the word daily when he sends me scriptures in the morning and makes me have to think and ponder those things.  He is a man who understands boundaries, and has been so very careful with my heart.  He is a man who is...in a nutshell...absolutely amazing.

I know.  I sound...sappy.  Yes, I realize this.  And I'm okay with this.  This is probably the only time you'll ever hear me announce to the world, at this point, how amazingly sappy I am.  So, get over it.  You'll be okay.

I've not only moved on.  I've realized just how wrong that person was.  That, if I had allowed myself to choose him, I would have settled for something that was so not God's best.  And I thank those friends who put up so many red flags in front of my face.  I thank them for seeing those things which I couldn't, because of my own woundings.

And now that He has been healing me and setting me free, allowing my wings to expand, my petals to bloom into something amazing and beautiful...

It's at this time how clearly I can see just how amazing my Abba is.  To answer such a call of my heart.  To know...that I'm being pursued...by an AMAZING man.  And that this journey has not only been one of discovering, but of growing.  Of learning to release my fears and allowing Him to capture my heart even more to His.

And I can't help but get this amazingly goofy grin on my face.  Why?  Because I'm not only happy.  I'm not only joyful.

I realize...I'm finally being set free.

And that in order to get to that point, I had to go through all of this.  Every.  Single.  Bit.

And I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm learning to be grateful for the junk, the crap, the heartache, the tears, and yeah, even the anger.  Each of those...has made me who I am, in some form, fashion and shape.  And I can't help but rejoice at just how amazing He is making me to be.

And I have to admit...having this amazing man speaking amazing things over me...has helped.  More than I could probably tell him to his face.  (surprise!!! lol)  Because I take those things, and ponder them, and allow that part of my heart to go, "oh.  wow.  He...likes me...  He...really...likes...me."

And not for what I could do for him, what I could give him, or because I could fulfill some need in him.

But he likes me...for me.  For who I am.  He sees my heart, my character, and...is amazed.

And I've gotta admit, I'm amazed back.

So, welcome to the new journey I'm on.  It's one that's been coming for a long while.

The journey of discovering...the pursuit. :)

(And for my nosey rosey friends, that's about the only update you're gonna get on this, so soak it in real good.)

Let the typing begin.....6-24-13

I know.  I should be in bed by now.  (On a random note, the time is 11:11.  The number 11 stands for deliverance & judgment.  Numbers together means double portion.)  I've seen those numbers a lot.  Like, a lot a lot lately.

Anywho...

I was thinking tonight.  Dangerous thing that.  As much as I can laugh things off, it's in the quiet places where my mind begins to piece different things together.  When I can finally sit in the quiet, in the secret, and really think.  It's also when MC asks me those open-ended questions that I have no choice but to answer, and not shy away from or hide.  You know the ones.  The ones that make you cringe because you know you have to really sit and examine not only your heart, but your emotions as well.

Tonight's been one of those nights.  And it actually started before talking with her.  Before talking with EF.  Just...before.  At 4:26am to be exact.  No, even further than that.  At 3:00am when I woke up "randomly".  *snorts*  There's no random in my life anymore.  Everything happens for a purpose.

Anywho...

Just...thinking...  On a lot of things.  A lot has been on my heart and my mind, and I'm realizing just how hard it is for me to share them.  Some of them I'm willing to, but others, others....others stay real close to my heart.  Not to be let out except for in the quiet of the night.  And mostly because I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining this.  I wouldn't know how to explain it.  Words...aren't necessarily my forte when it comes to my emotions.  It's easier for me to show you than it is for me to say it.

Thoughts like:
1. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew, and was better at it.  Because I feel like a complete failure when it comes to this.

2. Running scared.  When things hit me, they hit me hard.  And all I want to do sometimes is pack my things, throw my hands in the air, and run.  I just...there's been so many emotions lately, that sometimes, all I can do is shout out, JESUS!!, in the hopes that I don't become snowballed under everything.  No one's fault but my own when I don't verbalize what I'm needing/feeling, and I should. *sigh*  See #1.

3. I desperately long for a hug.  Just one, giant, massive, big hug.  Why?  Because I can feel all of my insecurities beginning to pour out.  And it's not pretty.  It's messy, this life.  It's messy, doing life period.  And for most of my day, all I really want is someone to say, "I've got this."  Instead of me having to constantly fight the battle of perfectionism that I tend to veer towards when in unknown situations.  I miss those days when PT would look at me, and immediately knew if I needed a hug.  The arms would open wide, and I'd actually walk quite rapidly into them.  Strange for me, I know.  (Hey, physical touch boundaries...)  And remember always feeling safe, that no matter, even if that person knew every bad thing about me, I'd always be welcome in their arms.  Or being able to walk up at random moments, and say, "I need a hug," and arms would come around me.  I...miss that, frankly.  I miss being able to do that.  Which is, again, weird for me.  I can see just how far He has taken me when it comes in this area.  I never thought I'd ever say I miss physical touch when it comes to hugs.  But I've had an excellent spiritual family who's done nothing but love on me through hugs, so I guess it makes sense. :)

Even with all of that, I know one thing.

The goodness of God still amazes me.

Always has.
Always will.

So, I'll go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that no matter what, my perfect peace and safe harbor is in Jesus Christ, my rock and my redeemer.  My strength and fortress in times of need.

And I remember...

I'll not only be okay.
I'll come out shining in the end.

And on my lips at the end of nights like this, all I can say is, Thank You, Jesus.  Thank You that YOU are my all in all.  I rely on You and You alone.

And then I say, "More Lord.  More."

Out of the abundance of the heart... 6-19-13

...this mouth speaks. :)

You know, I should really be in bed right now.  But, I can't seem to.  Once again, I'm extremely wired and excited.  And I blame it all on God...in a good way. :P

I had the amazing privilege to sit and talk with the bestie via phone date tonight, and she let me talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And talk.  (Oh my gosh, thanks for that!)  For an hour, I just got to share everything that's been on my heart and my mind, something that I've been needing to do for awhile now.  I've been keeping quite a bit of things quiet on the home front, and I'm okay with that. :)  There's been so much transition that's been going on, with work, with life, with spiritual things.  I just...if I could attempt to put everything onto this blog, I'd be sitting here for over 2 hours.  I reeeaaaaalllllyyyyy don't want to be here that long.

The biggest thing in my life has been the changes that I've noticed in me spiritually.  As tough as that race was in May (see previous blog about Spartan Race/Biggest Loser RunWalk), I know that something shifted in me spiritually.  Something broke in me that I have been waiting for so long to finally let go of.  And ever since that day, the glow in my heart has been getting stronger.

As the roommate put it (and if I butcher your words, sorry Ms. P!), it's like the Lord has been working on my foundations to strengthen them, and now that they've been strengthened, He's begun to build up the wall that surrounds the foundation, creating an ever stronger structure.  ME! :)

I can see how that's happening, and it all starts with the people He has surrounded me with.  Too numerous to mention, yet each one of you plays a special part in my life, and you never even realize!  From hugs, to words of encouragement, to spending time with me, to talking with me...all I can say is, I am so very much grateful that He's placed you in my life.  Thanks for that. :)

Another change that has come about has been mentally.  I no longer walk in fear of certain...things.  I am walking with an excitement, looking towards the future and asking, "Abba Father, what do You have for me?"  Or just looking up at Him in the mornings and smiling, knowing that it's been another night without nightmares (minus one last night...but it doesn't count...because it was weird...and I didn't like it...).  It's also been a bit, umm..., easier?! to capture my thoughts in the area of struggles and temptations, especially when it comes to past addictions.  It's been a bit crazy just to realize how swiftly I've come to recognize a thought as contrary to the Word, then going, "No!  I refuse to entertain you!  You have no right or entrance into my thought life, and I choose the Word .....(insert verse here of what's needed at the time)."  I never thought this day would come.  To finally be on the VICTORS side of this battle.  Yes, I still know I'll have days.  But you know what?!  My victorious days have far out-weighed the bad days, and I will rejoice in that.  And I've gotta thank D & M for the constant accountability, and the glared looks *cough cough* when I'm NOT walking in the Word! lol  (By the way, D can give some serious glared looks...makes me shrink every time! lol)

And lastly, the 3rd change.  Physically.  As someone said it earlier this past weekend, the weight on my shoulders has lifted off.  I've been walking in so much more freedom.  And the more freedom I've walked in, the more the weight has come off.  The more that I don't long to hide anymore, but I look forward to blooming, to seeing where God wants me to be.  And I am absolutely thrilled!  I have waited for this moment for so long.  (yay, the tears are coming now)  The knock down drag out fights with God, the anger, the tears, the ripping open of wounds, the displaying of all the crap for others to see when/as needed...this all to serve a purpose.  To get me to this place of freedom.  And though this journey has been one of the toughest for me, I cannot say that I regret it.  Because I don't.  I'm...thankful.  I'm...thankful...for EVERYTHING that's happened.  The good.  The bad.  The ugly.  I am truly thankful.  Not because it was right.  But because without it, I wouldn't be who I am, or where I am, that I am now.  (That was a Dr. Seuss moment there! ha) My past, my mistakes, my struggles, my trials, my temptations, my battles...my victories, my scars, my healings...all of this has made me to exactly who I am today.

And it's allowed me to realize some things...

1. I am loved beyond measure.
   I know that He loves me.  But not only does HE love me, but others do too.  It didn't really think they did. Why?  Because I always thought I wasn't worthy to be loved.  I wasn't worthy of love.  I didn't, couldn't, deserve it.  Even though others told me they loved me, I always secretly called them liars in my heart.  But, by golly, you peeps hung on to me.  You never let me forget just how much I am loved.  I see it via facebook, text messages, phone calls...  I see it when you hug me extra long, even when I don't didn't want it.  I see it when you cry with me, when you laugh with me, when you hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay.  I see it when you dance with me, when you smile at me, when you let me put my head on your shoulder because you're taller and know I'm tired.  I see it every time, and I never thanked you all for that.  So, thank you.  God's been breaking the uglies off of me, and I can see, I'm turning out to be quite beautiful.

2.  I am wanted.
   Yet another struggle.  Who'd want me?  It all goes back to #1.  And despite everything, there's many of you who have made me realize just how wanted I am.  You all have no idea just how much you've saved my life.  At moments when I contemplated harming myself, your pictures would flash through my eyes, and I'd realize...it's not worth it.  Thank you for hanging on during the tough, crazy seasons.  Thank you for talking me off ledges, for holding me in your arms and letting me weep in them when I had no words to say what I was feeling.  Thank you for being my mothers, my fathers, my brothers, my sisters.  Thank you so much.  (ohmygolly I'm a freakin' water bucket tonight!)

3.  I am free.
   I....yeah.  Just...how to describe?  Knowing that freedom is...amazing?  That I don't doubt.  And I've got to thank some special people for that too.  Because you all hung on to the vision of my freedom, even when I no longer could see how it was possible.  You were there when I had to set boundaries, had to do the hard stuff, when I snot ragged everywhere, when I had to leave because I couldn't hold in my tears.  You were there when I needed hugs, hands, arms, hearts.  You were there when all I could do was look at you all with tears in my eyes, shake my head, and hide behind my hands because I was too ashamed to say the words.  You were there when you began to see the freedom breaking out, the healing beginning, and the wounds being healed.  You were there.  And I thank you.  I thank you for carrying that vision, that mantle, those words, spoken over me.  I thank you so very much for NEVER giving up on me, when I was so ready to quit on myself.

And two very special people I thank in my life.  One for teaching me all of the above, and yet walking out her own amazing journey.  She has believed in me from the beginning, stuck by me through all the junk, and refused to allow me to retreat and surrender, even when she had to drag me by my very short hair.  She made sure I went to every counseling appointment (by making sure I didn't cancel! lol), then waited patiently for me as I spewed everything on her.  She was there through deliverance, through healing, through freedom, through struggles, through rough patches, through anger and madness and depression.  And not once did she ever leave my side.  But instead, she stuck even closer.  She became my sister.  My family.  My very own female Jonathon.  Thank you, Mari.

The second, to a man who has taught me that not only am I precious, but I'm special.  Who makes fun of me because he loves me.  Who taught me it's not nice to hit boys.  Who taught me how to believe in myself, because he believed in me.  Who listened to my ramblings, who counseled me when it came to guys.  Who answered every single one of my questions about guys, and never flinched.  Who made me laugh at myself and my mistakes.  Who spoke strong words when needed, was quiet when needed, and who stuck up for me, and made sure I stuck up for myself.  Who helped me learn what setting boundaries is.  Who made me then stick to those damn boundaries. Who taught me to say no, who taught me to respect what I want and need.  Who still teaches me, and never even realizes it.  Who always answers my text replies for hugs with a smiley.  Who lets me buy random presents and bring them to show that always make me laugh if I know they're "him".  Who meets me for monthly dinners because I miss our random conversations.  He became my big brother.  My family.  A man I greatly respect and regard highly.  Thank you, Daniel.

And for the rest of you, I love you all too.  I haven't forgotten about you.  As a matter of fact, each one of your faces is flashing before my eyes.  I see you, and smile, and remember just those ways I am so very grateful for you.  And it excites me to know that life is still happening, still doing.  And it's good.

And before the 'rents feel left out...to the spiritual parents in my life.  Who've slapped me upside the head with truth and Word.  Who've held me, hugged me, tucked me into their arms and let me sob it all out.  Who've teased me unmercifully.  Who've talked me off ledges.  Who've walked me out of tight spots.  Who've prayed over me, with me, for me.  Who've seen all of my junk in its ugliest forms, and never flinched, judged or laughed.  Instead, they loved me, poured into me, saw me, acknowledged me, and then began to call out in me the God-awesomeness they saw in me.  They never stopped believing in me, for me.  And I love them so very much.  (ugh!  More tears!!!!)  Words cannot express just how much I love and adore you in my life.  And how very much I am humbled to call you parents.  Thank you, Papa Treiber, Jan, Lynn and Mr. Hector.  I look forward to baking many more amazing goodies for you all. :)  *cough cough*

7th Month Progress Report: 5-17-13 to 6-17-13

Ohmygolly can it get any crazier?!?!  Yes?  Please don't tell me how, thanks.  It's been crazy enough!

Okay...how to even recap this past month...

Honestly, I don't even know if I can.  So much has been going on in my life that it seems not only did this month fly by, but my sanity went with it. *waves good-bye to sanity*

Okay...trying to stay on the positive side:

NSVs

1. I am OFFICIALLY 25 lbs down!!!!!!  Less than 100 to go! WOOHOO!!

2. I went clothes shopping in my closet again. :)  It was lovely.  The pile of jeans that don't fit, or were given to me, is getting smaller.  My goodwill pile is getting larger. I have no complaints over this.  Except...I might need more closet space. lol  But this also means that I will be working on sewing projects almost all weekend, trying to turn my somewhat big jeans on me into capris to wear and get dirty in at all our field trips.

3. I once again went shopping at Old Navy...and can fit into an XL in workout pants.  Just the fact that I can now go shopping at Old Navy!!!!!!!!!!  (Remember, peeps, my bday is coming up! lol <---shameless hint)

4. I tried cardio bag (aka krav maga boxing lol) for the first time!  I actually went to a class!!!!  And I thoroughly enjoyed it.  I kicked my butt within 15 minutes, but I did ALL OF IT!!!  And it felt soooo good!!!

5. I actually have stuck with the trainer's plan...even though I wanted to increase the weights, because I like weights.  That's a huge victory.  But she also threatened to take the weights away if I didn't listen....so.....I listened. lol  (She increased my cardio, and decreased my weights...I was sad.  Very, very, VERY sad.)

6.  Speaking of trainer, I actually worked out alongside her.  And. she. killed. me. LOL  But I did the ab routine!!!  And now I'm gettin' pretty darn good at it, despite the pain soreness.

7.  Still eating healthy!  And have come to hate the way my body feels after eating unhealthy/junk food.  No bueno for me.  No bueno. (Thanks for letting me steal your phrase, Christine! lol)

8.  This has nothing to do w/ weight loss, but kinda does:  I am experiencing some amazing freedom in my life.  Confronting things.  Just...amazing.  And God is doing amazing things.

It's a short list this month, but I've gotta get ready to head back to work!
Here are some pics! :)

Oct 2012

June 2013...will add later...