Sometimes you just need to take a walk...1-21-16

Have you ever had one of those moments where all you wanted to do was just scream? Where life is going on all around you, and you have decided you have had enough for the day?  That was me today. 

From the time I woke up, my grumpy pants were on. Stressed, annoyed, stressed, not being a very kind wife, not remembering to watch my tongue, just...one of THOSE days. Even as words were flying out of my mouth, I saw myself looking from the outside in. They weren't very kind or loving. They weren't edifying or encouraging. 

I went about my day. I apologized to my handsome man. I went to 3-4 different jobs. At the end of my day, I went home. And immediately stepped right back out. I felt the gentle nudge. I needed to fix my heart and my attitude. 

As I drove towards our little garden, I hear my heart and mind just waiting for that moment when I can be outside and listen to the sunshine and wind. And be still.   I finished up in the garden and I heard that whisper again. "Go take a walk. "  

As I'm walking the short trail, I feel the pressure building up. One fall, then two. The tears just leaking down my face. My heart pouring out all of it...the stress, fear, doubt, worry, pain. I stop and sing my heart out, tears falling even more steady. "Jesus, Jesus". That's about all I can whisper out. I sing the lyrics to my favorite Misty Edwards song. And then, I listen. 

"Beloved, it's time."  I know exactly what that means. And I'm afraid. It's time to let go of the last 10 years. It's time to let Him do something new. It's been exactly 40 days that He and I have been working on a few heart issues. It's been 40 days of searching, seeking, questioning, asking. And in those 40 days, today I realized I was trying to hang on so tight to the past. I have been so fearful of what this new future looked like, that I didn't see how broken I had become holding on to something that I was supposed to let go. It wasn't what He wanted for me. 

Sometimes in our lives, we need to go take a walk. We need time away from everything and everyone that surrounds us so we can clearly hear what HE has to say. In those times I find He speaks to our hearts, broken or whole, because He wants to heal. Have you gone for a walk yet? Have you allowed yourself time to hear His voice away from the chaos in order to heal/hear/love? 

On my walk, He showed me a picture of this cut tree. 

It doesn't look like a significant thing, right?  But look at the life that's growing around it!  Though it was pruned, life and growth happened. That's what happened today on my walk. He reminded me that the pruning seasons are good and to my benefit. And sometimes, we need to take a walk to be able to hear Him clearly. 

This next picture...see all the thorns? This little guy was in my way. If I wasn't careful, I'd be scratched and possibly stuck with a few thorns on me. Strange thing, His voice. When I came to that little tree, I was reminded that on our path, there's always going to be obstacles, things, issues, whatever you want to call them. But the great thing is, when we take a walk with Him, when we commune with Him, He's pretty good about giving us a heads up. "Hey love, ya might not want to go this way. It doesn't lead to My best for you."

I'm glad that I'm once again being reminded of His best for me. I don't know about you, but when life happens, I tend to lose sight of that. I tend to see the obstacles, the stress, the crazy. Instead, I need to see Him. I need to hear His voice and feel the wind and sunshine. 

Here's to taking a few more walks with Him. 

Things Unseen.....1/7/16

Life has been...different.  It's been...weird, to say the least.  I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet.  A different stress.  A different life.

By all means, please don't hear complaint.  I'm not complaining.  It's different.

I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek.  And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.

You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless.  I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.

There, I said it.  Depression.  The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.

I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face.  Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down.  I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years.  The last one was...terrifying.

I remember the first time it happened.  I almost committed suicide.  I was ready to give up, give in.  Instead, He brought me to Jesus.  It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace.  If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.

Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction.  Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place.  He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light.  He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me.  He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance.  This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.

Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different.  It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing.  The darkness name: sexual abuse.  I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it.  The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness.  I was...broken.  I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing.  To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this.  Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive.  Some days are better than others.  Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come.  The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything.  So, some nights, some days are better than others.  My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare.  (This a few years later, after the counseling.)

After counseling, I was...free.  God opened so many doors, so many friendships.  He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.

Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness.  The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.

And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!

With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT!  He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning.  He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley.  As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful.  To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.

Hold on, Beloved.  Hold on.  FIGHT!  Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in.  Instead, make a way for Me!  Instead, worship Me!  Instead, honor Me!  Instead, love Me!  AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU!  I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!

With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus!  Yes!!  I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope.  Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You.  I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed.  I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.

Above all...I will love.  I will love.

My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  FIGHT!  Believe!  Seek!  And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness.  There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.