1 month progress...11-17 to 12-17

Well, one month is down on this journey.  With many more months to go.  Down 6 lbs, 3.25 inches overall.  As a matter of fact, it may soon be time to go jeans shopping:

Needless to say, I'm quite ecstatic.  And very blessed.  It's the small moments like these that help motivate me.  That, and comments like, "You look smaller!" versus, "oh wow!  you look like you're losing weight." (which I hate hearing the latter one...messes w/ my brain right now)

<--at my largest @ 278.8


--> now @ 272.2










Not only that, but I notice it when I look at myself in the mirror, when I look down and see my wrists are slightly smaller.  When I take 2 week measurements and see that I've lost inches in areas.  When I look at my biceps and watch my arms growing in muscles, see my legs looking leaner as I do those damn toe touch crunches or Ab X machine.

It's progress.  And I'm quietly ecstatic about it...unless I know you well...then I just blurt and laugh and dance about it...'cause dancing burns calories.

I'm also ecstatic that I've stuck with the food journal, exercise logging, and with myfitnesspal in general (MFP).

This season, I've been hearing the words: 1. Adventure 2. Risk 3. Faith 4. Change (not necessarily in that order).

Adventure...I've been going on more of those the past month than I have the past 7 years.  They don't have to be major adventures, but I'm walking in more freedom now, more joy, more...more of being me and who He's made me to be, and being okay with that. :)  All in preparation for a bigger adventure coming soon!

Risk...how that word makes me shudder sometimes.  Risk walking in what He's called me to do, and risk that I may hear Him wrong sometimes.  But He's been asking me lately if I'm willing to take that risk, dive in, and live a life of...

FAITH...major changes are happening in my life right now, and another big one coming up in 2013.  As I'm walking on this journey, I'm having to rely so much more on my faith in Him, and NOT on my understanding of how things are going to come to pass.  I'm having to solely rely on Him for every detail, every need and every provision.  And I'm seeing the fruit of that walk bloom before my eyes.  I'm seeing Him rip away the things of the enemy to replace those things with His goodness and grace.  And I'm thankful for the corrections being made, even when I wince or argue because I don't like them.

And lastly...

Change...ahhhh, that dreaded word that I hate so much.  But these past 12 years have been preparing me for this season to come.  Which makes sense.  Because this week's workout card has this phrase on it:

You can choose to give up, or you can choose to fight.  Are you a victim or a fighter?  I heard you were a fighter.  So where's your fight?

That's what I heard when I prayed about what to put on my workout card for the week.  Which one am I?  Will I choose to fight for the desires of my heart, to fight for health, for healing, for victory, for freedom?  Or will I choose to remain a victim, a wallflower, a dirty carpet constantly being walked on?  What am I going to choose?

I can tell you now...

I choose to fight.  To pick up my weapons of warfare and praise, to put on my armor, and get up and fight.  I choose to not allow myself to give in, give up and walk away from the battle.  I've done that before, and I don't want to do it again.

So even when I feel unmotivated, I'll take a day/a break/a pity party, but then I'll get right back up, knowing that it's my life, my freedom and my dreams that I'm fighting for, and I say,
DEVIL YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!

And that's my one month progress. :)

A Testimony of His Goodness...12-7-12

So, as I was doing my budget, I came REALLY close to not paying my tithe as I just wasn't sure how it was all going to work.

I only had a 1 week paycheck, had my 2 largest bills to pay, plus gas money, plus making sure I try to save a little bit on the side for January.

I started doing my budget, inputting everything in there, even paid the 1st large bill (a whole 'nother testimony...as I've been making ALL my car payments not only on time, but EARLY!!!).

Next step, sat and calculated everything...both paychecks...and looked at my budget numbers...to discover, after taking into account ALL the bills that I owed this month...which, another testimony, was just the 2 plus my gas and food bills...

I have a little bit of money left over...

And that's AFTER paying my tithes. :)

I have no idea how, but God made the way. :)

Just needed to journal this as a reminder in the tough seasons...He'll make a way when there is no way! :)

Try, try, try...12-2-12

"You gotta get up and try try try"

This one phrase in the song has been resonating in me since I first heard it.  It seems that every time I want to give up and quit, this song pops on! haha  If nothing else, I love the encouragement of that phrase.

It's been 2 weeks now...(from 11-17-12, Day 1 on MFP)
4 lbs down
-3.12 inches off overall

And I've been fighting this bitter battle.  Constantly going, "okay, just get up, move, keep going, don't quit, don't stop."  I even had to text the bestie to force myself to get out of the car at the parking lot of the gym, to get up and actually go into the gym.  It's a bitter battle, but I'm determined to be the victor in this one.

I'm tired of feeling icky, feeling like "the dreaded fat girl", and having to battle so much of my image issues because of things I've allowed.

Well, here's to the good fight of faith!

Keep moving.
Keep working.
Hard work.
Determination.
Refusal to quit.
Even when I'm tired.
When I'm down.
When I can't see the goal in sight.

I gotta get up and try, try, try.

To the victor go the spoils...the spoils being no more fat, a healthy me, and a me I can't wait to sure the world. :)

Mental victory...FOR THE WIN! :).....11-20-12

Today I pushed myself to get up, get out and move.  I don't regret it.

But I will say, I had some seriously hilarious moments today that were linked to something that happened on Friday.

You see, what had happened was...(in honor of the bestie, had to use that one! haha)

Was heading into Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies for my classes, and this guy is walking towards us.  There's this other lady coming up behind me in the parking lot, and I kinda notice he's checking one of us out.  (My thought process immediately goes to the other lady, though I hadn't seen her yet. Still working on that image thing!)  So, I keep walking, thinking nothing of it, when the lady catches up with me, the man passes by, and 5 seconds later she busts out with, "Ohh girl he was checking you out!!  He turned back around!!"  I about died laughing.  At the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Anywho, I just dismissed it, texted my bestie, and laughed about it some more as I continued my day.

And then it so happened again today.  At the gym.  The one place I wouldn't think to be checked out, 'cause, well, I'm the "fat girl", and all these beautiful skinny gals are surrounding me at the treadmills.  (Now don't yell at me for that one...)

The guy in front and to the right of me keeps turning around and looking at me as I'm doing my cardio stuff.  Finally, he leaves just as I start my intervals.  Well, 20 minutes later, HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME, hanging on and just looking my way.  When he realizes I've noticed, he looks away and kinda sneaks off somewhere...

I could've been seriously creeped out by this (okay, I admit, I kinda was).  I could've had a "moment" (due to the past), but I didn't.  Instead, I just smiled and laughed inside.  And kept on going with my workout. :)

For me, that's a victory.  I should probably explain why.  One of the reasons...the biggest reason...why I've put on so much weight has been as a protection.  To my old way of thinking, if I am fat and big and ugly, no man would ever look at me, thus no man would ever sexually abuse me ever again.  And the biggest trigger to going back to old, unhealthy habits is when guys, any guy, starts noticing me.  The nightmares come back, the food binges come back, and overall I'm right back where I used to be.  Tonight, I shrugged it off, told myself, "Man, I'm looking good tonight!  Let's do this and keep on going!!  Let's push it!" and without a backward thought (except to laugh and move on)  I kept on going and didn't let it affect me.

That, that right there, is a victory in some serious heart healing. :)  And a great mental victory as well!  Woohoo!!

Looking forward to continuing this journey... :) 

The Story of Grace

For those of you who have known me for more than a year, you know how much I've been praying for a car.  For a replacement Burt.  For something that actually has windows and that locks.  And that I can wash in a car wash, NOT in the rain...

Well, my Abba answered my prayers.  TALK ABOUT A TESTIMONY! :)

This is how it went down:

All this past week, I kept hearing (in my quiet times), to start looking for a car again.  (& again for those who know me, you know the deep history of why it's been near impossible for me to do so.)  So, after much prayer and debate, I went up to my roommates on Thursday night and asked for them to be in agreement in prayer w/ me on this issue.  I knew exactly what I wanted, down to the details of the car, the look, make/model, etc.  This time I went in with my eyes WIDE OPEN rather than in a blind, rushing panic (which was my fault anyway the last time...but His grace came in anyway! :) ).

So, late Thursday night rolls around, and I'm working on my budget & finances now that everything for the next 2 weeks have come in.  And lo and behold, I have $500 EXTRA above and beyond what I needed...just waiting for me to use it! :)  So, I hear Mama Lynn's voice in my head to pray over how HE wants me to use that money...

And immediately I think...this would make a GREAT start to a down payment...and then I start looking up cars that I had wanted around local area dealerships.  When I had talked w/ my roommates, I had originally said I'd be okay w/ a 2001/2002 car...until during my search...when I head Him say to raise my bar higher...to a 2009 or greater.

And that's when that unbelief started to come in.  "Wait...what?!  I know that's not gonna happen...it's too expensive!  How can I ever even afford that?!"  To which, after last week's sermon talking about the spirit of unbelief, I IMMEDIATELY began to battle and cast down those thoughts.

So, on to my search.  I have about 5-7 cars in mind, at 3 different dealerships.  After the search, I head to bed, wake up Friday morning, and head to the morning job.  Come home, to which I had this GREAT idea...you know what...lemme just do a bit of the leg work today (since DM was willing to meet w/ me in the a.m. to look at cars w/ me), see where I stand at the possibility of financing/trade-in, and go from there.  That way, on Saturday morning, it's no biggie and it'll make it easier on both of us so we're not wasting time if it doesn't happen.

So I get dressed, ready for the afternoon job, and head over to the dealership that has 3 of the cars I wanted.  Oh, and did I mention they were all 2009 or higher?!  Walk into the dealership, where I was greeted by a man named Al who I instantly liked on the spot (surprising for me, I know).  Laid EVERYTHING down on the table, was brutally honest, to which he says, "Well, let's at least look and test drive them.  That way you can narrow down your search for when your brother comes, and you'll know what you like and don't like as you search for what you want.  And don't be afraid to shop around out there." (yes, this salesman did say that!)

On we go to look at the cars....2 2009 ones and 1 2010 Civic.  Test drove them, and immediately was drawn to one.  We then went back inside, he took my car keys, and tells me, "I'm going to have the mechanic appraise it and we'll go from there."

So during this whole time I'm praying in the Spirit, believing and asking for favor, and praying and praising some more.  The mantra that morning was: "He makes ALL things in my life for good, and ALL things in my life WILL point to His glory in my life."

An hour later, he comes back and asks me: "You want the good news or the bad news first?"

Of course I want the bad news first.  "No bank is willing to take you...except one."

Good news: He then goes over what the bank is willing to do for me.  1 of them being the dealership would willingly give me $1500 (blue book value) for Burt...and we ALL know that Burt's not worth that much!!!!  But one of the catch's was I needed $1000 down payment.  And the monthly payments were WAY too high for me!  So I pointed to those 2 items and I told him, there's no way I'd be able to do those 2 things.  I'm just not comfortable with that.  But thank you anyways.  This helps me know where I stand.  So he gets up and says, "Let me talk to our finance manager, and let's see what we can do to help you."

About 5 minutes later, the finance manager sits in Al's place, and says, "Okay, we'd be willing to take your down payment and put the extra $500 down into what we'll give you for Burt. (So now they're willing to give me $2000 for Burt) and we'll pay off the rest of what you owe on Burt (which was roughly $900).  As for the monthly payments, what number would make you feel comfortable with getting this vehicle?"  I did the number crunching, trying to figure out what exactly would work budget wise, we talked about gas, insurance, etc.  So I threw out a number, he threw out a number, I did more number crunching (to which I then told him, Give me a moment; I need to pray about this).

And lo and behold...

I walked away with a new to me car.

That was EVERYTHING that I wanted, down to the little itty bitty details I hadn't even told my roommates about regarding what I wanted in Grace.  From the tinted windows to the CD player with NO tape deck!!!! lol

So, that's the story of God's grace, goodness and glory in my life when it comes to my car.  And I'm praising and dancing my way through this.  At His goodness.  His grace.  His amazing mercy and His hearing the cries and desires of my heart.

After 3+ years or so of this battle cry and mantra...I have an AMAZING and beautiful car that runs like a dream, works COMPLETELY, has windows and a/c...and that is such a blessing.

So, for all of you who have been on this prayer journey with me for years, I thank you so very very much for being persistent right alongside me.  For running that race with me.  I know this wouldn't have been possible without Him!

So, thanks. :)

And that's my story on Grace. :)

What Prayer Is & What Prayer Isn't

                 What Prayer Is                                                                 What Prayer Isn't
Entering into a conversation w/ God                                  Viewing God as a grantor of our wishes
Seeking God's direction with choices                                 Asking God for a stamp of approval on decisions
Humbling ourselves before Almighty God                          Demanding our rights



This was on page 17 of my reading today.  I picked up the new book I had ordered, thinking, well, I need something to read while I wait for my clothes to get out of the washer, so why not this one?

And when I got onto page 17, there at the top was this lovely list.  Now, mind you, I'm pretty sure we've all heard these before.  This little comparison table...but one of them caught my eye in particular. "Asking God for a stamp of approval on decisions."

When I read that, my heart just went, eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk I'VE BEEN FOUND OUT! 

Lately, it hasn't been about seeking.  It's been about me telling the Lord this is what's going to happen, and this is the way it's going to be, and You're gonna bless it.  (See the pride there?!)  Never taking into His account that He wants an input.

And I've been seeing that attitude a lot in myself as things have come up with work, school, decision making...  Always into the plans, the back-up plans, etc.

It's come to the point where I've resorted to some old habits, bad habits, that come right in line w/ what prayer ISN'T.  And my heart needed to hear that this morning.

Especially as I sit and pray over my staff and kiddos today, praying over their day, praying for strength and grace over my staff, praying for a smooth transition for the parents and myself, and praying over my campus. I needed my eyes and my heart to be re-focused on why I was placed there to begin with.  And to not allow others expectations to dictate my actions and attitudes.

So, as I sit here and type out the mile-long to do list (especially since I'm now having to play catch up), I'm having to remind myself and my spirit to not only just breathe, but praying for His breathe to enter in as I begin to seek Him for some answers on just what I want this year to look like.  Writing down the visions, the expectations, the goals...and taking those before Him and asking Him how those look like, and how they can be accomplished.

I have big dreams this year.  Bigger than the ones I've ever had working in this program.  And I believe that they are God-given.

Now I just need to learn to surrender my plans versus HIS plans.  Never easy, but I'm willing to try.

My first ever marriage proposal

Yes.  Yes.  You read that right.  I promise.

It's kind of a long story.  I won't go into too much detail of the story, except the important parts. :)  (I think it helps that I can snort-laugh about it now.)

So, here's how it kinda-sorta happened.

This past weekend, I decided to end the, uh, whatever it was...friendship, relationship, whatever you want to call it with the guy I had been praying about seeing befriending (dear God what do people call this stuff?!?).  With much council and wisdom, and some serious prayer, I knew that he wasn't the Boaz for me.  And I was okay with that (remember that Christine Caine pic floating around FB??). :)  So, after some brief, errr, "conversation", I wished him well and went on my merry way.

Fast forward a few days...to, well, yesterday.  To where the, uh, "conversation" went something like this:

guy: :(

me: ?

guy: i miss you

me: sorry... (don't judge me...I'm not necessarily the sentimental type, k?)


guy: wanna get married? (and yes, he was SERIOUS)


me: ??? (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!? whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat running through my head...enter crickets on the scene)


guy: aww ok

me: (after some seriously long moments of excusing myself from said, er, conversation, and talking w/ the mamas in the room on how to shake this guy)  A lot would need to happen for that.

guy: aww you don't love me

me: (where in HELL idea did love come into this?!?!  I never said that!!!! whaaaaaaaaaaaaatt?????)  I've only known you for 2 1/2 months.  Of course I don't love you.  You don't love me either.  You'll be fine.  (sorry if that seemed heartless....but, well, when you don't take no for an answer after several nice attempts, I just stop plain being nice and aim for slightly less brutal w/ lots of bluntness thrown in)


guy: yes I do

me: (name of guy), you need to provide a home for me.  I want a house.  I want a man who has a strong relationship with the Lord.  I want a man who's willing to pursue me and pick me up for dates.

guy: Okay.  I hope you find that.  Sorry to bother you.

END SCENE

Now, do I normally blab about something like this?  No.  But I promise, there's a lesson in this! :)

1. If you think I'm willing to settle, back away from the bus, buddy.  It ain't happening.  Besides, the bestie would slap me silly if I ever did.  Followed in line by the roommate and bestie #2.

2. I'm worth WAY MORE than a text proposal (yeah, it was via text messages amidst prior conversations we had had face to face).  If you don't see that, well, you are SO not the one for me, honey.  Read #1.

3. You've gotta see the humor in this.  In the fact that, bless his heart, yeah, he liked me.  Yeah, he totally went about this the so wrong way.  But I thanked him anyway for his interest and moved on.  When before, I would've flat run him over with Bert due to how fast I sped away from this type of stuff just 6 months ago.  I'd say that's progress!!

4. Through this all, as I talked w/ the bestie, I sat and laughed and giggled about what a story this would make.  Which means that I'm okay.  I've gotten through the emotions of disappointment and frustration, and have moved on to joy and laughter.  To know that, overall, I'm okay once again. :)  And that I do have the power to choose and say "no" (read previous blogs....this is a biggie for me to overcome, especially when it comes to men!)

So, there you have it, peeps.  My first ever marriage proposal.

Boy, do I have a great story to tell the (possible) future husband! haha :)  But he better not propose to me through text message.  I just might clobber him. ;)

Keep your eyes open

Today, well, the past few days, I've felt this need to write.  And write some more.

To write what was on my heart.  To let go of some things.  To just...unburden myself.  And allow all of the emotions to flow.  That's one of the things I was told I was good at...writing down my emotions.  I can't always express them, but when I write, everything just seems to flow from pen to paper.

Today was no different.  As I sat at my desk, getting ready for the holiday festivities, I finally picked up my stationary set and pen and just let everything flow.

Doubts.  Fears.  Anger.  Tears.  And longing.  So much longing.

And as I sat and wrote, this song kept playing in my head:

And over and over, the whisper of His voice as I wrote...to not give up, to keep on going.  To keep my eyes open.  To not let go.  To not lose hope.  Even amidst my frustration and angst.  "'cause if you never leave home never let go you'll never make it to the great unknown...so show me your fire, show me your heart, you know I'll never let you fall apart, if you keep your eyes open, my love"

And I just burst into tears.  This past week just hit me.  The ending of something.  Well, more than one thing. And how so many changes have come up.  And that yeah, right now, my heart feels a bit broken and shattered at the realization that I need to let go of some things.

But I'm also reminded to not give up hope, even when that's all I want to do in my flesh.  To keep holding on.  To keep my eyes open.

But also to keep walking in Him.  In His light.  His voice.  His love.  "So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love"

 All of that to say...

If you're at the point where you're so frustrated, and you want to give in....

When all you see is the darkness around you....

When you've lost hope in the promises given, or the words spoken...

Keep your eyes open.

Keep them focused on Him.

Don't look away.

Don't give up.

Crawl if you must.

Dig into the ground and elbow your way through the muck.

But keep your eyes open.

The mountain may seem large, but I promise, it's not.

It may seem unsurmountable, unattainable...

But it's not.

Because I serve a God who makes all things possible.

Paves a way where there is none.

Opens the floodgates of hope when we choose to keep our eyes on Him.

Not on our circumstances.

Not on our status quo.

Not on our relationship(s), or lack of them.

But when we are so focused on Him,

His eyes,

His heart,

His face,

His voice.

When we are so focused on Him,

That's all we say.

So, today, I'm letting that be my anthem, my theme, for this season, as I allow my heart to feel emotions, to break, to cry, to tear, to anger, and to doubt.  I'm remembering that through it all, my eyes will still remain focused on Him.

And that brings me a comfort, a peace, a joy....that I can't even begin to describe.

Because I know that, ultimately, this leads to another chain broken, another thing being set free.  Another petal in my flower to be allowed to bloom.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

And all that is within me, praise and bless His holy name.

What I learned from making pancakes

It cracks me up that I always tended to learn the best lessons while salivating concocting chewing cooking up yummy delicious food. :)  This morning was no exception.

I woke up refreshed, with plenty of sleep under my belt (almost a total of 20 hours from Friday night and last night).  Woke up with a song in my head: "Isn't She Lovely", by Stevie Wonder.  And this is the part that was playing nonstopirritatinglyrepeatedly over and over :

Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
But isn't she lovely made from love


Anywho...I've been singing that all morning.  So now I have the Stevie Wonder playlist playing on my Spotify account...and I digress from the story.


Okay...back at it now...


Not only did I wake up w/ that song in my head, but I woke up happy and content, and in a mood to bake.  Now, when I get in this mood, you might want to watch out.  The kitchen becomes a disaster area work zone, and the house smells like the witch's house in Hansel and Gretel really yummy.  So, went on pinterest and became anal about organization a much better organizer and organized my Favorite Recipes board.  Into various catergories...desserts, main dishes, crock pot, etc.  You get the gist.


Anywho, found this awesome recipe for Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookie pancakes...made w/ no sugar. :)  So, the bake cook was on! haha


Got my handy dandy apron, and began to cook.  And all of a sudden (happens like that a lot lately), I could hear Him begin to talk to me...about pancakes...and dough...


Making the pancakes, and looking at the batter and how, well, weird it looked.  All these clumps and lumps and just...well, ugly.  I mean, it tasted good.  But for a moment, I was wondering how in the world will that weird-clumpy-looking batter is supposed to turn out like the picture on Pinterest?!


Which He then reminded me about some things:


1. I'm made of lumps and clumps and things that aren't very "pretty".  We all are.  But it's those very things that make us unique.  Makes our story unique in and of itself.  Those things we have to deal with, that help us understand just what our calling is, how He's placed us in the body.  For example, one of those lumps was my addiction to pornography and romance novels.  Now, I know I am free and called to help others to that same freedom.


2.  The heat makes what looked ugly into something beautiful and delicious.  Without the heat, the pressure, the bubbles, the storm of sizzling butter in the pan, those lumps and clumps wouldn't be turned into something yummy, nutritious and really good to eat.  Without the heat and pressure, without that refining fire, we aren't able to turn into something that's infinitely more precious BECAUSE of the lumps, what was inside that batter.  The batter is what makes the food unique in and of itself.  You changed one ingredient in the batter, and you've created a whole 'nother recipe.  Same with us.  If you changed one part of your story, the outcome would/could/possibly be different.


3.  It's when I'm in the kitchen, baking and cooking for the fun of it, that I'm most happy, content and thriving.  It's when I'm in that place that everything in my head gets quiet, my hands are busy, and my heart is ready to listen.  I always thought it was during worship...and to some degree it is...but this season, I think because my hands have been busy doing things, that He's been taking time out of something I love, and "making" me listen.  I knew baking was a passion of mine, I just don't think I realized just exactly why it was.  :)


And then He put it all together...


How I'm like that batter...and how I see myself...and the way I NEED to see myself and this journey.  There's so much that makes me who I am, so much that I'm STILL trying to figure out, as I flounder at things, excel at others, and generally learn what most people have learned in their teen years...  And most often than not, I feel like that ugly batter, like nothing beautiful could ever come out of it.  And that there are so many lumps and bumps and clumps and hodge-podge messes that for the life of me I can't figure out how He'll make it into the picture He's showing/shown myself and others.  But then He reminds me that, despite what I think, I'll eventually get there.  It just may take a lot more fire than I realized.  A lot more baking/cooking/marinating.  And that I need to be patient.  To not demand so much in so quick a time.  (Seems like patience has been my downfall lately...or lack thereof.)  And that I'll EVENTUALLY get where I need to be, and that it's okay to take it slow.  That He knows exactly what He's doing, and that He's a gentleman while doing it.


And not only that, but it's okay when a few more GOOD bumps come along...like chocolate chips in the batter, the added sweetness of life's amazing moments (such as holding hands for the first time in my life with a man) adds character, moments and memories that are good. :)


Then He took me back to remembering some things regarding DN, that these past 2 1/2 months have been good, despite the heartbreak that went with ending a potential relationship (knowing that he was not the one for me, after much prayer and counsel and wisdom).  And He reminded me of the things learned, the confidence built and the fact that I faced my fear of men, and survived.


And as tears begin to form and leak, the realization that, despite my moments of wanting to bang my head against the wall, He's forming something beautiful and yummy, something fragrant and delicious...something that, in the end, will bloom and turn into that butterfly, that flower, those amazing chocolate chip oatmeal cookie pancakes, that is sweet, beautiful and lovely.  It just takes more time, more marinating and a bit more heat. :)


All in all, I think a lovely lesson to learn this morning as I sit and bask in His presence...and dance to "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes. :)

My ugly

Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:

http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people

After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home.  All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.

Lemme give you a few examples:

1. The comparison game.  All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody.  If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you.  (which will lead to example 2 in a minute)  Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women.  What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not.  Insane, I know.  And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.

2. Pride.  Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have.  Well, I'm not denying it.  As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there.  That damn sneaky little thing.

3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist).  Yeah, I said it.  What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life?  But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?

All of this to say, I'm struggling.  With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning.  Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable.  At times.

And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus.  I'm so so sorry."  Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.  Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry.  I'm sorry that I've drifted away.  I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience.  I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out.  But today, this morning, I took it out.  And saw it clearly.  And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere.  (disgusting, I know, but get over it)

I allowed things that I never should have.  And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him.  So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go.  Because if I don't, I'll drown under them.  And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me.  So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope.  My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored.  That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.

No, this journey isn't over yet.  And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today.  But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all.  And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing.  Because He loves me.  And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.

Whew...

"Perfect love casts out all fear"  And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.

So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning.  Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination.  And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."


And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.

The MyFitnessPal Ticker...to help w/ the whole motivation thing :)

<a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com/weight-loss-ticker"><img border="0" src="http://tickers.myfitnesspal.com/ticker/show/2419/6922/24196922.png" /></a><p style="text-align:center;width:420px;"><small>Created by MyFitnessPal - <a href="http://www.myfitnesspal.com">Nutrition Facts</a> For Foods</small></p>

10,000 Reasons...and other ponderings

I stumbled upon this song today as I was sitting, thinking, praying, laughing, smiling.  Allowing myself to live, and yes, at some points, to love and be loved in return...for who I am, NOT for what I do/did.  That "good girl" syndrome SH & I had talked about 2 years ago.  I'm learning that I can allow myself to live life...and thoroughly enjoy it.  To give over control and allow myself to do things and be things I've always wanted to do and be.  As SH challenged me on Thursday morning, this season is "different".  It's a culmination of everything I've learned the past 2 years, and realizing just how it looks like in my life, in my friendships and relationships with people all around me.  It's realizing that I, too, am important, rather than the completely opposite...just being a wallflower and doormat.  I'm learning.  Even with the mistakes that have been littered all across the pathways, I'm learning and growing and challenging myself.


Anywho, today while in quiet time, started singing this song and my heart just clamped up in happiness and thanksgiving.  No matter the season, thanking Him for everything, blessing His holy and amazing name for all the things that have been happening lately, good bad ugly and utmost beautiful.


In the words of a friend, "Relax and enjoy the ride."  So, here I am...learning to enjoy it.


Thanks, peeps, for enjoying it with me.  And letting me talk to pieces about everything.  And loving me anyways, despite my silliness. :)

My prayer for you all: that you sit back and let Him guide...relax...enjoy the ride...let God move and breathe on your behalf...you won't regret it. :D








"10,000 Reasons (Bless The Lord)"

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger
Your name is great, and Your heart is kind
For all Your goodness I will keep on singing
Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find

[Chorus]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

And on that day when my strength is failing
The end draws near and my time has come
Still my soul will sing Your praise unending
Ten thousand years and then forevermore

[Chorus x2]
Bless the Lord, O my soul
O my soul
Worship His holy name
Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name

Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
Lord, I'll worship Your holy name

Sing like never before
O my soul
I'll worship Your holy name
Jesus, I'll worship Your holy name
I'll worship Your holy name

Just a quick update...

Life has been crazy, busy, crazy...

Different seasons...different things...if only I could explain half of what's been going on right now, that'd be wonderful.  But that's okay...'cause tomorrow at 11am I get to spill my guts all over the place.  Very therapeutic for me. :)  I'm glad to be seeing SH once again during this season...took me awhile to get to that point, but so very very glad.

Life's been busy.  Work has been...work.  Been applying for different positions around the area (and yes, my boss knows, so no worries on that end).  Have had several interviews, but so far zilch.  So trying really hard to not get too disappointed at times.  I'm waiting for the position I REALLY want to close the posting date, which is today if I'm correct.  Then believing for a call for an interview.  Which gives me a bit more time to once again revamp the portfolio and such.  Which is good.

On the friends level, I really haven't been seeing much of anybody lately.  End of school year means pretty much very little life apart from work, workout (when able) and the occasional hangouts w/ people.  I'll be so, so glad to get this school year over with.  It's been a good year, but I know that I'm exhausted and tired.  So we shall see.

That's it for now.  Kinda all I got...I know...not really super spiritual, but there you have it.  I think I'm doing good worshipping in the mornings and trying to maintain my reading schedule in the evenings.  Finding balance is hard, but I know it can be done.

Hmm....glad I'm not sick anymore too.  About the worst thing I've got is a sunburn from lying out for 5 hours at the pool the other day.  And this too shall pass.  Looking forward to this weekend...and hanging out w/ an old and new friend...and making new memories. :)

Quick Update... :)

Seeing as how I'm procrastinating right now, due to the immensity of this project, I decided what better way than to do a quick update.

The past 1-2 weeks has been INSANE! haha  Filled w/ job interviews, craziness, and random issues popping up.  From almost a week of, "YES, I have my life back!" to "ughhhh I hate lack of communication".  But that last part is slowly being resolved, I think.  So that's good.

This week sees a bit of some hectic hair pulling.  Got the call on Friday that I have an interview as an ECT-IA...which means that I may be able to have my own classroom, work w/ kiddos in a somewhat teaching capacity...without my finished degree.  And, after awhile, the possibility of finishing my degree once I work for over a year or so.  Which has seen me massively working on my teaching portfolio the past...uhh...3 days.  From old pics, to lesson plans, to letters of recommendation, to, well, the past 6 years of my work life crammed into 1 binder.

Plus, trying to make sure that I am ready for the speaking engagement I have this coming weekend...being in the Word, prepping, praying over the words I'll be speaking, running it past some wise council to make sure it's okay, flows well, not confusing, etc.

And I did let my boss know about the possibility of a new job for me yesterday.  He wasn't too thrilled, but he understood.  Thank God.  I was a little worried.

But yeah.

And for my accountability partner...all is well. :)  Lack of communication regarding the long/confusing story has been hashed out...PTL...in the form of several things.  Ask me later! haha

So, that's it.  Gotta go!  Gotta get ready for wk, head in early, wk on my portfolio, then have a mtg tonight at church, then come home, work on my portfolio...........SLEEP IS GOOD! haha

Update on the past month or so....

Okay, right off the bat I've gotta say...IT'S BEEN INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOOO much has happened...such craziness has been going on.  From stress to dancing to supernatural stuff to, well, God moments.  Some things I can expound and share on, others I'm not able to due to circumstances and situations currently.  So I'll see how much I can get done here. :)

Well, when I moved, I don't think I completely understand the reason for the move.  Meaning I had no idea just the kind of things God was about to take me through, all of them good and exciting and amazing.  I had NO CLUE the doors of opportunity or blessings that were getting ready to begin to pour out.  And for those of you who haven't seen me or heard from me, in, like, forever and a day...don't feel bad.  I haven't really been talking much to anyone really.  That's been intentional.  No, I haven't isolated myself.  It's been more of a, "oh dear Jesus there's so much going on that all I can do is remain focused on You so I don't waiver to the left or the right FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS".  Moving in to a new home that is centered, its very heartbeat, is hospitality and the movement and ministry of the presence of God...well, that's been rockin' my boat in good ways! lol  I've been learning SO MUCH, and yet there's so much that I haven't been able to put into words yet.  Just...an overwhelming flood of emotions just begin to pour out most of the time.

Anywho...moving in here has been amazing.  God-encountering.

Making Spirit and Life my home has been...LIFE CHANGING.  Every time I go...well, more words have been poured over me in the past month than the total received in the PAST YEAR.  Yeah, that's right.  You read that right.  You really did.  I have NOTEBOOKS on the words given to me.  Some that I've kept SUPER close to my heart and inside the prayer closet.  And others that I have been able to share glimpses of.

Now fast-forward to about a month-3 weeks ago.  A dear friend of mine asked if I would consider ministering at a youth conference w/ my testimony and allowing the presence and power of God to just flow during the time given.  Well, I can tell you honestly...I was in awe.  And shocked.  But mostly in awe.  Ask my roommate.  I went to her at 3am or so, and was like, "oh. my. golly.  oh my golly.  oh my golly."  I think it was over and over again! lol  You see...several words have been given to me throughout the years regarding something like this.  But in my heart, I kinda told God, "Me?!  Really?!?  Me???  The girl who liked being the wallpaper and NOT the center of attention?  The one who doesn't like to publicly speak in front of people?  And You're telling me that I have this calling on my life, to, well, SPEAK?  ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!"  Pretty much sums up my conversation the first few minutes after I read the invitation sent to me.  And I can tell you that now, I no longer think that way.  It's more like, "JESUS YOU'RE GONNA BE SO AWESOME THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  And doing my giant happy dance that I haven't really been able to stop doing since last night. :)

Now fast forward again to about the beginning of April...and HUGE attack began to happen in my life.  I literally came home one night just...in tears...crying, "Lord, I don't understand.  What's going on?  Why is this happening?"  And it's not something I'll be able to expound on, so if you're reading this, you more than likely won't understand what I'm talking about.  Just be okay w/ that ahead of time.  Basically, it's been a month of walking out the door and immediately battling the whole way to work, at work, during work, and driving back home from work.  And even now, the battle isn't over.  Right now I'm praying for wisdom and discernment, as well as a hedge of protection over my staff and I.  The battle has been intense, and the fight isn't over...but I KNOW that truth will prevail in this season. :)

Now fast forward again to 2 weeks ago...where I had a date w/ a man.  We talked for 4 1/2 hours.  Yes, that's right.  I TALKED W/ A STRANGER FOR 4 1/2 HOURS STRAIGHT.  If you know me, you know what a HUGE breakthrough that was.  And the cool thing was...no fear there.  Just a whole heckuva lot of nerves.  You can ask MC.  I was texting her the whole time I was waiting for him to show up! lol  From there began a friendship....from talking about God things, to character issues, to home life, to testimonies, to, well....more things than I even think I knew I had words for inside me...we delved through some seriously big things.  And during that time I ate humble pie several times! lol  But it was all good.  But anywho...meeting a man who liked me for me.  And who saw the presence of God in me...and told me flat out that there was something different in me.  I about balled when I came and told me roommate the details of all of this.  All that to say...it's been a good friendship overall.  I'm learning some things about myself.  I'm also learning how to be myself, and that it's okay to be who He has made me to be.  And that that won't scare away people if I really am who I am, no games and no facade.  The really cool thing is...I got my answer to the prayer I've been seeking/praying for the past 2 weeks.  And it was a very clear answer.  (No worries MC.  I know I still owe you a text and an explanation from this morning! lol)  And I am THRILLED with the answer AND the season He has me in! :)  So that part of my life has just been plain FUN! :)

Lastly...the past 2 days.  If you've been keeping up w/ my facebook statuses, you know some seriously awesome and intense God moments have been happening.  Let me backtrack to last night at dinner after church.  (Can I just say how much I LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEE my church home?!?!?!)  Well, last night at church God was moving and flowing and working.  I know I had some serious boldness on my mouth! lol  Anywho, went to dinner w/ a family, and some new friends. (YAY NEW FRIENDS!)  After we ate, one of the guys has this waitress come over, and he (TJ, the guy) begins to tell us how he had given her a word that he saw light being reflected off of her.  Which the waitress had confirmed that word and the meaning of it to him right before he asked us to gather 'round and pray over her.  So, we gathered round and did what Jesus freaks (my term in this situation, NOT a dig or a bad thing...I think it's freaking AWESOME! lol...or to steal someone else's phraseology...a Holy Spirit lush :) ) do best...we prayed.  And God began to move.  Prophetic words began to flow over this woman named Carmen.  And as the tears came down, God moved even more.  Come to find out, everything was right on.  Not only was it right on, after checking to see if she had received Christ as her Lord and Savior, we then began to ask her if she wanted to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  Well, she said yes.  Then had the opportunity to pray for her to receive her prayer language.  Which happened quite suddenly. :)  Of course! lol  (that suddenly seems to be happening a lot lately in my life)  Not to mention, even before that occurrence, one of the ladies at our table at a prophetic word for our waiter, Angel.  Which HE then confirmed that that word was right on.  So, basically, ALMOST ALL OF LAST NIGHT was one Holy Spirit bomb after another.  Lots of cool awesomeness happening! hehe

Now fast forward to today...where NC and I were invited to come hang out at said family's home for an impromptu gathering and fellowship.  We'd been there since 10:30 this morning.  And dear Lord I LOVE THAT FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!  Their littlest one has captured my heart. :)  Me and Jacob are like 2 peas in a pod baby! lol  Actually, I just LOVE their family period! :)  Anywho...we had a worship jam session in the living room.  Oh wait!  Lemme backtrack a bit!  We had a barbeque today at their place.  TJ (remember the guy from the restaurant that was w/ us) was there...and came back in w/ a new person who he had met "randomly" on the street and invited him in to eat and fellowship w/ us.  (Did I mention how much I LOVE hanging around these presence-driven Jesus people?! lol)  He came in, we all chatted and talked and fellowshipped and laughed.  Then came the worship session.  Where I was called out and asked, "I know you have something!" lol  Always makes me nervous being called out like that!  No matter how many times it happens, ALWAYS makes me nervous! :/  Good thing this is training ground! haha  Anywhoo....began to give the Word that He had given me an hour before that...drawing/visuals included, when I was kinda stopped, and someone was brought in who needed to hear that word.  And then He began to move.  And deliverance began to take place in that person.  And had the amazing privilege to see Him move and shake and work.  And then miracles began to happen.  And then the Spirit began to just flow and shake and...well, WOWZERS it was COOL! :)

The great thing is...I know this is JUST THE BEGINNING!  OMG I can't believe I forgot ONE OF THE COOLEST PARTS!!!!!!!!!!

As TJ and several others were praying...gold dust began to appear on a face.  Yes, you read that right.  GOLD DUST!  You could literally see gold dust reflected off of the face.  You could feel His presence begin to just MOVE.  And then we noticed the aroma of the garden of heaven just outside the door of the home we were at.  BEAUTIFUL!  And then more deliverance and healings began to take place.  Words being spoken.  Spirit of adoption beginning to take hold and root in people's lives.  Several of us being called out to, well, pray healing and other things. :) hehe  The cool thing is...gold dust began to appear on my little buddy.  Started w/ a single fleck on his hand (mind you...the one he was praying w/).  Then another appeared.  Then I noticed another on his cheek as we were laughing in the kitchen afterwards.  Gold dust on one of the women there.

The even greater thing....is that this is the norm for a believer. :)  This realm of the supernatural is becoming my normal now.  The things I have been praying for, waiting for...are coming in in those "AND SUDDENLY" moments.

And all I can say is...I'm SOOOOO looking forward to Friday!  I don't know what He'll be doing, but it is gonna be BIG!

And I keep thinking....Lord, all in preparation for the speaking time at the youth conference, but also for preparation and training for what is to come!

Hallelujah!

hehe

With all of that being said....I know it's a lot to catch up on.  A lot to read.  And some of you may think I've gone off my rocker.  And quite honestly, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really care whether people think I'm off my rocker or not.  You cannot persuade me otherwise that my God does not move.  Because He does.  And He can move in whatever way pleases Him.  The only thing He needs is an open vessel.

So, are you really open?  Or are you just all comfy in your positions, going, "that isn't real"?  Are you really open to ALL He has, or are you so biased and set against His Spirit that when He tries to come, you immediately shut it down?
Time for a heart check, people!

See....Jesus freak...and lovin' it.  This is my passion and desire...the one thing that matters most to me in the world above all else...His presence. :)

My 1st 5k

Aaaagggghhhhh I'm excited! I'm doing a happy dance in my head!! :) Even w/ the early hour getting up, I'm just happy & excited for this season in my life. There are changes in me, in my attitudes & my heart. But also in my life & what He is doing & calling me to. & I LOVE HOW THIS 5K IS JUST THE BEGINNING! The beginning of understanding that I really CAN do all things w/ Him. I never thought I'd be doing a 5k this soon. But jumping in w/ both feet, here I am! :)

So I'll have to write down how well I did later! Haha

I choose freedom

I didn't give in.  I didn't do what my first instinct was...which was to pick something up and allow it to wash the pain away into nothingness.  I didn't give in.

I needed to start with that first.

Tonight, I felt like, for the 1st time, someone was trying to push the boundaries, & wouldn't accept no for an answer.  Even though I kept saying no, I feel uncomfortable with sharing that.

And it felt like I was a victim all over again.

A slap to my face.  As if this was some tabletop conversation that happens everyday.

And not my life.  What was done.

And I got angry.  So so angry.  And I did what I do...I fought back.  With words.  And then I completely shutdown.

And then I curled into a ball and just sobbed my heart out on my bed.

And it showed me how this area of my heart still needs healing.

And for the first time in a really long time, I tried really hard not to vomit up dinner as the memories and flashbacks came.  As pictures and images of what was done kept running through my brain, all I could do was cry out, "JESUS!" as I wrapped my arms around Roger the bear and weeped my heart out.

Which tells me that this journey of sharing my testimony...is an on-going process.  He's showing me these wounds for a reason.  But He's also allowing me to be real and honest not just with Him, but with myself.  And with others.

Even as tears roll down my face, I know that it's time to face this part of my journey.  To not allow the fear to creep in.  And to remember that I'm no longer the victim, that little girl.  And that what was done no longer has the power to control me anymore.  I laid it at the foot of the cross.

And even as I type, all my thoughts in a jumble, I feel my spirit begin to calm down.  Knowing that He is my strength and my refuge.  My very present help in time of need.  That HE is my Beloved One, who will not harm me or hurt me.

And I have to remember to trust Him in where He's leading me, even if I don't know where it ends up or where exactly I am going.

So, thanks, Jesus.  For showing me this part of a bruised heart that I didn't realize was still there.  And for showing me that I don't have to fear...and I don't have to accept being a victim any longer.

I choose freedom.

The most awful day...and what I learned from it :)

Today has probably been the worst day of meltdown I've ever had.

Today has been the most stressful, hectic, awfullest day ever.

Today has been...

...unexpectedly filled w/ some serious blessings.  Despite everything.  Despite the drama, the craziness, the insaneness.

I sat here after work, and just began to veg out, praying, trying to find up from down, left from right.  And just more and more praying.  Put on some dance music, and then just prayed some more.  Yeah, lots of praying, I know.

And then I just started letting everything out to Him.  About the day, the situation, the issues, the wanting to just scream w/ frustration at how things are going down right now, at lost things...

And then, as I sat here, I got an unexpected message.  From a guy.  One that I'm slowly getting to know better as we talk here and there.  And I must admit...it made my day.  Not because it was anything unique, but because it was just really nice to hold a conversation and just let the joy begin to bubble out as I talked about likes, hobbies, Jesus, you know. :) lol  And then a friend just praying over me as I poured everything out.  Even some tears.  And lots of frustrations.

I have come to the realization that once I talk, and let things out, everything in my world begins to right itself.  Or more like, my perspective and truths begin to align once again w/ the Word.  But it takes me talking it out, and realizing, wait a minute, this doesn't align w/ the Word, to begin to understand just what needs to be done.

And sometimes, it takes prompting from someone who won't let me hide.  Which is what I was kinda doing once I got home.  I stayed in my room and just...vegged...and read.  And talked.  And danced.  And prayed.  (Sorry for not answering the phone, MC.  Kinda put the phone on ignore for a bit while I sat and vegged out.)

All that to say, though the situation(s) aren't resolved...I'm at a nice, peaceful state.  Knowing that the truth will come out and stand strong in these situations.

So, thanks friends.  And Jesus.  Who knew a little country and dance music, plus a lot of praying, would make me understand how I handle seriously intense emotions?! haha :)  And that I wasn't made to hide things in the dark, especially my emotions.  Not built that way.  And that I learn a lot about myself, about people, and about Jesus when I stop, take a moment to reflect on things, talk it out, then have the "ah-ha" moment where I'm like, "Jesus, You got this.  Why am I so stressed/frustrated/concerned/worried/anxious?  Who better to deal w/ all of this than You??"

And then the joy gets restored.  And all is right with the world again.  'Cause joy and Jesus are in the same sentence in my heart and head after that. :) haha

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex

Contemplations

You know, sometimes I really hate late nights.  Like tonight.  When I have too much time to think.  And then I think about my day, the things I've done, the actions I did or did not take.  And then I start to over think.  I know, I know.

Like this morning, for instance.  When I weighed-in on the scale.  And then I immediately wanted to hurl the scale, or maybe just myself, off in a fit of temper.  Because the number was seriously high.  And I know numbers don't matter, especially when clothes are fitting loose.  But lemme tell you...I'm a numbers girl...and I like numbers.  So, to me, numbers DO MATTER.  Why?  Because it's something I can see visibly.  Which stinks...because then I get hung up on these numbers...and, well, now you know what a semi-conversation looks like inside my head in this paragraph here.

All that to say...

I had to breathe. And NOT let the numbers get me down.  Because I know I've been working out.  For the most part, I've been REALLY good on my meals/eating habits/lifestyle changes.  And that all this interval training has made me get some serious muscles on my body (yaaaaaaaaaay).

But I have received that I need to just bury the scale somewhere in the boonies in hopes that it never find me anytime soon.

Because numbers and visuals do a whack-job to my brain.  And start getting me in a tizzy.

So today, I had to learn to lean on Him for my identity.  To choose to not listen to the lies inside my head saying all kinds of crappy things.  Was it easy?  No.  Am I still battling?  Yes.

But PTL His mercies are new EVERY morning.  And so are my choices. :)

So, all that to say....

If you're in a strangle, struggling place...it's okay.  Keep going.  Keep holding on.  Don't quit.  Don't give up.  You'll get through it...push through....keep up the good work...even when it's not so good, keep going...because your new day is coming! :)

Short, sweet, to the point.  It's just something I needed to write out to get out of my head and on to the journal.

night, my small world. :)

!!! & YAAAAY & UGH! all in one! :)

First off I've gotta say, if you've been reading up on these, thanks everyone! :)  And if not, no worries.  I still love you. :)  I just may withhold my yummy oh-so-delicious chocolate chip cookies from you!  (Which, MG, I haven't forgotten that I owe you a batch!)

With all of that being said...

Today's title...kinda makes me sound a little off, right? haha  I think probably because that's what is going inside my head right now.  Lots of excitement, lots of dancing around, and then throw in some groans or 6 and you've got me all figured out this season!  I should probably just start listing, explaining, and going from there! :)

1. Contending for the word: healthy life & supernatural weight loss.  This right here has got to be the number one biggest battle in my life right now.  Not the addiction, not the past...but this right here.  Yes, I know it's tied to the past.  And tied to the thoughts in my head.  But it's been a constant battle to get up and believe this word.  Partly because it seems so easy to just give in and not do it...not workout, not eat healthy, not live a healthy life.  And honestly, some days I throw up my hands, say screw it all, and eat a 3 mini-scoops of vanilla ice cream w/ nutella, sugar waffle cones and M&Ms.  (Yes, that's what I did tonight.)  So many people tend to think it's easy, that all this enthusiasm comes naturally (did you hear me snort in laughter just now?!).  They couldn't be more wrong.  Though I'm learning how to enjoy it, it's still a battle.  A battle inside my head going, You know what happens when men think you're beautiful.  What if the abuse happens again?  What if you get noticed? What if all men see is the "skinny" you and that's all you attract?  What if...what if...what if...  I HATE HATE that game inside my head.  And every second is a battle to not give in to those lies.  To take every thought captive to the obedience and knowledge of Christ.  Because that's not what my Daddy Father says.  But a part of me is seriously freaked out on what, exactly, would happen WHEN I lose this weight...I've never been "skinny". EVER. EEEVVVEEEERRRR.  For as long as I can remember, I've always worn plus-size clothing.  And now, I'm slowly seeing the light where I can very soon stop shopping at Lane Bryant because all their clothes are too big...and inside my head, though I seem to present a nice, calm, happy exterior...inside my head I am slowly wigging out.  I am slowly, step by step, battling.  Battling for my life, my health...for the vision and the words spoken over me concerning health, wholeness and healing.  And I know so many people have so much input and ideas and yada yada yada...the one thing that I KNOW to do ...is listen to my Daddy on what HE wants me to do.  And to Debbie! lol  (can't forget Ms. Debbie!)  Some may be offended by this, see this as arrogant.  Not really.  I just need to listen to His voice...because when I hear His voice, that's when peace reigns inside my heart and my head.  I don't hear the lies when I hear His voice.  All I hear is the words, "Keep going, beautiful beloved!  You've got this!  Come on!  I'm giving you MY strength.  Here, take MY joy!  Shout it out...let out all the tears, frustrations and anger that got you here in the first place."  And, at points in time during my workouts recently, I've just done the workout, the exercise, weeping, in tears, screaming at myself to keep going, don't quit, don't stop.  Learning how to OVERCOME the lies of the enemy with the truth that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!  Is it easy?  No.  Not by any means.  And I still quake at the thought of what might happen when I hit where I want to be weight (number) wise.  (I couldn't do clothes size as I don't remember being smaller than an 18...yeah, I said that via cyber space.)  But I know that I have some amazing cheerleaders who love me, been with me through the lies, through the deliverance, and through the journey.  So, I'd like to give a shout out to a few people right here and now...and if I forgot you, I'm sorry...it's late! lol  Just hit me up and I'll add ya!

Shout out goes to: Mari--through the phone calls and texts, always pushing me to keep going, never quit, and listening as I sob on the phone.  Rose D--for making me want to be a bit more competitive...not intentionally...but because I know you're, like, super buff and I wanna be like you! :)  Rose B--for listening, for the hugs, and for the info on how to keep my body healthy naturally.  Without you, my life would be sad.  And I'd never have 4 amazing little boys to hug, cuddle and watch TV with if it wasn't for you and Nick!  Debbie G--oh, this woman!  oh oh this woman!  Kicks my butt, and then has me coming back for me I get so excited! lol  Who encourages me, and then tells me I can't go half-way in things...like moving isn't working out! lol  But who loves me enough in Christ that every time I see her I just want to hug her and thank her...because I know she doesn't realize just how much this means to me. Joe & Desiree H--who added me to their FB group, and got me to begin to challenge myself...but who also put me with the right connections to get onto this path of healthy living.  Ruby P & the ladies from Thursday morning glory group--you all have NO IDEA how much I love you all!  Every time I see you all I just wanna give hugs!! haha  Your encouragement, wisdom and prayers have gotten me through some tough and dark times this season, and for that, I thank you.  You all get to see the end results as He takes me through this journey.  And thanks for letting me share what He's been doing in me!
And for the others who have prayed, given words, or just plain blessed me--thank you thank you thank you!  You have no idea the encouragement you've given to me...even when I don't always want to hear it! lol

2. Freedom to be who I am in Him.  Oh, how this has been a very important key this season!  Learning whose I am, but also WHO I am...without excuses! :)  Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, yet changing where He's called me to change.  In essence, finally getting my identity from logos (head knowledge) to rhema (heart knowledge) and understanding just exactly what that means.  And not accepting anything less than that!  Also learning to accept myself...flaws and all.  And be content with who He has made me to be...and FINALLY believing all those things He says about me.  Even on bad days, days where it's stressful, or I want to rage at the world...I've seen a difference in my stance of identity...I no longer claim the bad stuff, but instead speak the Word over myself, and my situation.  Which leads to...

3. Growing Up.  It's taking many, many years for this to finally come to pass.  But I'm realizing that I'm beginning to bloom as a woman of God.  And am SO STINKIN' EXCITED about this!  After the many words about this, finally understanding what He meant when He said those things...just...wow.  I'm growing up.  I wish I could explain more about that, but honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin.  Which is probably why a friend and I had a 3 hour conversation! hahahahaha  Trying to share everything with him was way more difficult than I expected...because there was so much to share!  But I thank him for listening to me anyways! :)  And feeding me yummy food. :)

4. Moving.  Oh my gosh the trials that went with this.  Exhaustion, forgetting to pack half my crap due to exhaustion, frustration w/ myself, frustration w/ myself, more frustration w/ myself. lol  Not many people know where I moved to...I'd like to keep it that way.  I'm okay w/ this, actually.  I honestly like being off the grid for a season.  This has allowed me to get my ducks in a row personally.  From finances, to prayers, to learning how to live life...I've needed this for awhile.  And I have moved in with a wonderful lady who is willing to help me learn how to organize, keep house, and help me maintain a nice, cleanly environment.  More like, she's willing to take my hand and show me those steps!  Thanks, Ms. Patti! :)  You are an answer to a prayer I never knew I had prayed until recently.  This move...it's been...interesting.  I've purged over half of my things.  I took MG's car loaded up to the brim, then my car loaded up front seat, back seat AND trunk.  And I'm more than likely going to take another load when I begin to unpack.  Goodwill has gotten so much from me I think I single-handedly supplied their store for a week! lol  Including furniture!  But honestly, this has been a season of purging.  Out with the old woman, in with the new mind-skin.  The new me.  The me that is free, whole, healed and delivered.  The me that I always knew was inside, but I was so stinkin' scared to let out.  And honestly,  I love who He's making me to be.  I'm great! lol

And with all of that being said...I wish we could sit down face to face and I could tell you just exactly what's been on my heart lately.  But that would take way longer than this blog to do!  So, I'll leave you with a song that has been playing on the radio recently, and when I first heard it, I was like, YES! :)

Girls Night In--A DIY Night Courtesy of Pinterest & Research! :)

Okay...so tonight I decided to treat myself to a mini-spa night while on vacation house-sitting! hahaha  It all started w/ Pinterest ideas...and then blossomed into researching other ideas/recipes for this...and then I just plain wanted dessert and a try at the jacuzzi bathtub. :)

So, here are the recipes!  Enjoy...relax...if you'd like, pour yourself a tiny glass of wine to go w/ your dessert.  And if you don't drink, make non-alcoholic ones (which is what I did!). :)

Recipe #1: Espresso Yourself Face Mask
courtesy of: http://www.herbcompanion.com/heal/body-care/facial-mask-recipe-zmrz12fmzwar.aspx

1/4 cup finely ground coffee, preferably espresso roast (okay, I cheated...I used k-cups 'cause that's all the coffee I found around the house...and they had them in bulk...I used 2)
1/4 cup cocoa powder (I used the dark chocolate variety, 'cause, well, I LOOOOOVE dark chocolate)
1/2 cup whole milk (I used 1% as that was what was in the fridge)

Combine and mix thoroughly to make a paste.  To use: put on face and neck, avoiding mouth/eyes area.  Leave on for 15 minutes then wash off w/ warm water.

Review: This wasn't too bad.  It was a bit runny for my taste...which made for an interesting time trying to get it on my face.  But overall, it worked.  Even w/ the modifications. :)  My face feels super soft and silky...a VERY different texture than I'm used to from other masks that I've tried (mainly an avocado/oatmeal mask, and a tomato/oatmeal/lemon juice mask).  When I make this again, I'm definitely going to try using LESS milk to make more of a paste, which is what it's supposed to be. :)

Recipe #2: Olive Oil Hair Treatment
courtesy of: http://www.collegefashion.net/beauty-and-hair/dorm-room-spa-3-easy-diy-beauty-recipes-to-try/

2 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil

Rub EVOO into hair, massaging it into scalp and ends.  Take a warm, damp towel and wrap around head and hair.  Leave on for 30-45 minutes.  Rinse with shampoo.  May take several washings (it took me 2).

Review: My hair enjoyed this.  If you have naturally oily hair, DON'T USE IT!  It'll just make it worse.  BUT, it did make my hair nice and soft, very silky.  It did make it a bit heavier (which is probably why it helps w/ frizz).  I left it on for 20 minutes rather than the full time.  Overall, I liked this one.  The debate is still out, though, until tomorrow! :)

Recipe #3: Brown Sugar Body Scrub
courtesy of: http://www.collegefashion.net/beauty-and-hair/dorm-room-spa-3-easy-diy-beauty-recipes-to-try/

1 1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/4 tsp vanilla extract

Combine all ingredients.  And it's ready to use! :)

Review:  I TOTALLY loved this recipe!!!  I will be making it and leaving it in a container.  It's even BETTER than the one I have from Bath Junkie (sorry bath junkie...even though I'm a devoted fan, this one is cheaper and so much more nicer!).  Instead of EVOO I used coconut oil (look up the 80 uses of coconut oil via google or pinterest).  Which meant that I DIDN'T put in the vanilla, as the coconut smell was strong enough for me! :)  I did add a dash of coffee grounds (left over from the k-cups and recipe #1) and a dash of cinnamon--I don't recommend the cinnamon portion! lol  But I wanted to be adventurous tonight! :)  Overall, my skin feels AMAZING!  My alligator skin on the legs is on the mend (thanks coconut oil!) and I just plain love the feel of nice satin on my skin. :)  This one for sure is a keeper...with a possibility of it being given as gifts! :)  You can also put in essential oils, vitamin E (break open the capsules) for additional smells and skin benefits.

For dessert, I had cream puffs.  No, they weren't homemade.  They were in the freezer here at the house, and rather than create a dessert, I just thawed those babies out while I created the recipes, ran the bath, and got everything ready for my spa night in! :)

What a GREAT way to celebrate goals achieved and victories won! :)

Recipe: Creamy Avocado Shells

I will say...this is NOT my recipe!  I got it from this site: http://www.fromthelittleyellowkitchen.com/2011/03/31/creamy-avocado-shells-the-clockless-oven/

So, for really pretty yummy delicious looking pictures, go there! lol  But for time, here's the breakdown of the recipe.

2 medium avocadoes
1 lemon juiced & lemon zest
3 garlic cloves (or to taste)
1/2 cup fresh basil (this came directly from my "garden")
4 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil (I'm replacing it w/ coconut oil)
4 servings of pasta shells (for added healthiness, I'm using quinoa pasta shells bought at Whole Foods)

add-in not in the recipe: cooked chicken...'cause I need my protein after a workout! :)

Blend garlic, lemon and EVOO together.  Add avocado, basil, salt and pepper.  Process til creamy.  Pour and toss over cooked pasta shells.  (Best if shells cooked al dente...but I'm not too fond of hard food, so I like mine a wee bit softer!)

Enjoy! :)

P.S. Daniel fast approved WITHOUT the chicken!  If you're more into the stricter Daniel Fast, this may not work for ya! :)