I couldn't sleep tonight. Seems like that has been happening frequently. Finally put it all together...there's a sort of' anniversary' date in my mind. More about that later.
Due to not sleeping, I picked up my phone kindle and opened a book that had been sitting in my library for awhile. I didn't know what I was getting into. I didn't put the book down until the ending.
And realized, with tears in my eyes and quiet sniffles as hubby was asleep, I knew EXACTLY what the main character went through.
Did you know that trauma from various forms of abuse can cause PTSD? Most people associate it with just war veterans, but it's so much more. Trauma affects many, & most never realize.
Just ask my husband when we first got married. There was a time when all objects that could cause me to hurt myself had to be hidden. The nightmares he had to try and walk me through. The times that I was so far in a flashback I didn't, couldn't, know who my husband was. And the insane moments of absolute, sheer terror that envelopes me when faced with similar situations, faces or even smells from' that' time.
To this day I can't stand the smell of beer. It makes me want to vomit every time. Some days I can react a bit more politely about it, but other times I have asked to switch seats or shifted my body so the smell bypasses me.
And the nightmares... They're no longer as frequent, but man there are nights I come out of it swinging my fists or hands at whatever is near me. Praise God for my husband. He discovered just how much prayer and praise right before bedtime has helped.
What does that have to do with a book?
I've been steadily having sleepless nights. Just...lots in my head. And I realized, while reading, that an anniversary of sorts is coming up.
Did you know It's taken me three years to figure out this trigger? & it freaking sucks.
I think the worst part is the depression and the funk that goes with it all. I can deal with the nightmares...but this feeling of wanting to just...hide away for awhile because at times I'm so afraid that something is going to trigger a stupid reaction. *sigh*
Needless to say, I'm very grateful for my husband. He is extremely patient, constantly reassuring that he is by my side every step of the moment. He's also there when I just need to cry my eyes out and be held and comforted.
To be honest, I don't exactly know why I'm sharing all of this. Maybe because I need sleep. Maybe because I need to let it off my chest that I'm not always okay and joyful.
But, I know this too shall eventually be overcome. This too shall be conquered. Just in its own timing. I've been told that eventually it will get better, but some days I wish it was a bit faster.
More than anything else, I'm thankful to have a husband that understands and still loves me more each day. I'm thankful for a God that says I'm healed. I'm thankful to have a hope, even when it seems so hopeless.
'Lord I'm amazed by You, how You love me. '
