I woke up at 2 am this morning with tears running down my face, my stomach clenched in pain, and the biggest pain in my heart. "My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you." This is on right now, knowing that within my heart is such a sharp, intense pain of sadness.
I woke up from a dream. In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not. Oh, how my heart grieved. In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong. He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person. Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends. And then I woke up.
Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now. I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong. My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that. So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain. I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.
He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished. He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it. The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer. But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.
As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it. He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis. (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear. I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at. This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)
He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year. How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families. To show a God who does NOT judge. To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments. To be loved on, and love them in return. He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education. But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much. Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do. This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.
He reminded me of the ministry I have at home. Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home. He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day. But also our garden, my garden. Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list. He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.
He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven. ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)
As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity. He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake. The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams. He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart. But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.
So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships. Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....
There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life
"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name. The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name. Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man. You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty. My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty. My Savior, Defender, You are my King."
My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him. I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me. But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him. The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious. Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh* But I'm believing. We're both believing. And standing. And praying. And fighting. And declaring healing over my body.
But I still sing praises. I still sing my song of Love to Him. I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior. I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.
I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months. Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together. He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart. My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.
"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power,
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"
I woke up from a dream. In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not. Oh, how my heart grieved. In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong. He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person. Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends. And then I woke up.
Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now. I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong. My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that. So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain. I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.
He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished. He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it. The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer. But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.
As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it. He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis. (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear. I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at. This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)
He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year. How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families. To show a God who does NOT judge. To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments. To be loved on, and love them in return. He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education. But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much. Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do. This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.
He reminded me of the ministry I have at home. Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home. He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day. But also our garden, my garden. Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list. He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.
He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven. ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)
As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity. He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake. The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams. He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart. But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.
So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships. Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....
There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life
"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name. The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name. Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man. You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty. My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty. My Savior, Defender, You are my King."
My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him. I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me. But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him. The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious. Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh* But I'm believing. We're both believing. And standing. And praying. And fighting. And declaring healing over my body.
But I still sing praises. I still sing my song of Love to Him. I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior. I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.
I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months. Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together. He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart. My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.
"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power,
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"
In all honestly, yes, I miss my friends so much. I also understand just how hard it is to maintain those friendships over an hour away, one-way drive. I also realize that Eric and I are choosing, instead, to put all our money into our debt, versus spending it on extra gas or dinners. (I even stopped my very routine trips to Starbucks, knowing that spending $5 for a cup of coffee...well, that $5 could go towards something much more meaningful, like our savings account...)
All in all, I understand why I've chosen to do what we've done. We've a goal in mind, and we are determined to reach it one way or another.
I guess, in a way, this dream was a way to allow me to say goodbye to one life, and hello to another. Not that I'm getting rid of relationships, by any means. But instead, gaining a new life, renewed friendships, and a heart that is ever changing, ever growing, always being molded. My heart still wants to maintain friendships and relationships, but also asking Him how I can do it, when I'm so far away that I actually tell people I live out of town! :0)
Hmm...I smell an amazing wind blowing again. And I rest in the arms of my Savior, my Lover, my Comforter, my King, my Abba.
"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You, Jesus. I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, Jesus."
