NSVs for the week :)

1. Packed all my lunches and snacks for the week, allowing me to NEVER go over calories.  And no, I did not eat back the calories I exercised.  1540.  That's it.  (It's all about the self-discipline.)

2. I made a new meal, and liked it.  Couscous w/ ground turkey, topped w/ lettuce and tomatoes for a couscous type salad.

3. I ate a real orange, vs just drinking orange juice.  And I liked it. Yay fruit! :)

4. I've been getting excited about packing lunches and snacks, and finding new meals/recipes to create that are healthy and yummy, as well as low calorie. :)

5. I jogged half a mile straight in 7:12. :)

6. I went clothes shopping in my closet, and discovered I can now wear 2 pairs of jeans I wasn't able to before!  Putting my wearable jeans to a total of 4 now!!!! :)

7. Been renewing my mind any time that voice in my head says I can't do something.  Then, I just go harder at it.

8. It's now time to move the assisted dips weight-assistance thingymabob to 18.  I started off needing it at 20.  (It's good that it's going down.) :)

9. I can now do 20 assisted dips, and not be too shaky until the last 5-10.

10. I FINALLY increased my overhead press to 40 lbs.  It's. taken. forever. :)

11. My endurance is getting so much better as I continue to push myself.

Freedom is never free....1-25-13

You always hear that phrase being tossed around.  At least, I have.

I don't think I really understood it until recently, especially this evening.


I took a step back and rested today.  I was hit hard, and literally sat in my car this morning and just sobbed for 5 minutes with such a heavy weight of frustration.  But even as I sat there, sobbing, I began proclaiming joy and peace over my emotions, and I began to battle against the anger and frustration.

That was the first time I've taken up my sword and TRULY battled.  Not just said what I thought needed to be said (fake it til you make it, all while hiding and stuffing my emotions inside until I literally made myself sick).  But instead, I let myself cry, feel the emotions, and then TOOK CONTROL of the emotions by examining them with the Word of God.

And as I battled, I realized something.  That light bulb moment.

The freedom that I desire, that I crave, that I want, that I have...
It really wasn't free.

I've had to battle for it.  Fight for it.  Dig my way out of the muck, ground, dirt and crap.
Every aspect of freedom that I've gained...all came because I battled my way through things.

I fought for every step of freedom.  I refused to give up ground, and instead, took BACK ground.

And it wasn't free.

It cost me.

It cost me time.

It cost me tears.

It cost me reopening wounds and digging out all of the infection.

IT WAS NOT FREE.

And it still costs me.  It costs discipline, determination and the desire to be free in the first place.

So, I have a question for you:

What do you want to be free from?  And what will it cost you?

Are you willing to fight for your freedom?

I am.  It'll hurt.  It'll cost more tears, more time, and more wounds being dug out.  But it's worth it.

It all comes down to...

Do you think you're worth being free?

I hope you know just how valuable you are.  And that you deserve to be free.  You don't have to accept the bondage any longer.

When you begin to realize that, throw down the gauntlet and let the battle for your freedom begin!  It's worth it!!!

2 month progress: 12-17 to 1-17

If someone would have told me when I first started this, that I'd actually still be sticking w/ it 2 months later, I would've smiled politely and in my head thought, "you don't know me very well".  Usually a few weeks into something this massive, I have the tendency to throw my hands in the air and give up.  Which almost happened earlier this month.

Recent picture of me as of 1/13/13:

What I looked like before I started, October 2012:

Needless to say, I don't miss how heavy I was.  I don't miss feeling like crap.  I can finally see that I have a waist, and I don't mind wearing button-down shirts (I used to not wear them because I was too self-conscious about the way I looked in them, especially as I gained weight back).  I can even see my arms/wrists are a tad smaller (which measurements have proved!).

This month was a rough month for me.  It saw some great highs, and some serious lows.  Went out of town, and didn't gain any weight...as a matter of fact, proved to myself that I didn't need the gym to find a good workout, also watched what I ate much more carefully.  Then it saw the holiday seasons, which are always rough for me.  BUT I only gained a pound during that time. (that in itself is a huge praise!)

And then January hit, and the depression started coming back up.  And it didn't help that my TOM was late. So, here I was, a miserable sobbing mess, isolating myself, hiding out in my room, and just saying to myself, I give up.  The scale hasn't moved, I've gained weight back, measurements are out of whack.  SCREW IT ALL.

BUT, I didn't give up.  I finally went to my roommate and broke down, and she prayed over me and my body.  I also prayed over my hormones and emotions, and have been slowly re-reading the Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer (because that's where the biggest battle is for me in all of this).  I've chosen to not give up.  Especially as the day that I finally went back to the gym after a few days hiatus, and I met a woman who lost 150 pounds, w/ no products, diet plans, etc.  Just watching what she ate and exercising.  Which is how I want to do it.

I've come to the realization that my nature to be addicted to certain "things" does not make in conducive to allowing me to take products, supplements, etc. to help along this journey.  I'd just abuse them, and my body.  So, I'm choosing to do this in what most people call the hard way, but the way that I know will give HIM all the glory, and not products, diets, etc. (not that some of those are bad or wrong, but they're not right for me)

This round, I won the mental battle by getting back up again.  It took me awhile, but I did it.  I got back up, got back on that damn cross trainer, and beat my time. :)  AND it just so happened that on that exact same day, my TOM started as my body began to realign itself to where it needs to be.

All that to say, the progress is slow.  The scale can be discouraging, especially as I saw the numbers jump up, but then I see my measurements go down.  I don't understand it, but hey.  I'm learning to listen to my body, figure out what's best and right for me, as well as listen to the Holy Spirit tell me which direction I should go in this.

So, month 3 starts w/ less calories to eat, more determination, and a willingness to listen to where I'm supposed to be and go.  I've been asking Him to give me a picture of what He wants me to look like after this, and what I'd like to look like, and mesh the two visions together. Probably because the vision of myself is skewed.  I've decided that I'll be doing BOTM as my devotions for this month, to help realign and refocus where I need to be and where I want to go.

This next month (month 3) will also see a new session w/ my trainer. :)  And some new victories that I can't wait to share at my 3 month progress report! :)

Non-Scale Victories (NSVs)--1/6/13

1. a pair of pants that were starting to fit a bit snug fit just right now. :)

2. my hips no longer touch the cross trainer outer grips

3. I've discovered that I have some pretty awesome bicep action going on...noticed it during the arm curls yesterday, and was kinda impressed! lol

4. My desire/craving for sugar is lessening as it slowly works its way outside my system once again.

5. I'm more intentional about what I eat, yet still allow myself freedom to eat stuff like wings, chocolate, cookies, etc. on occasion.  I'm learning to not just control what goes in my mouth, but to have a HEALTHY balance and have fun with it.

6. I can see my hour glass figure slowly being defined once again.  And I'm starting to be okay w/ the fact that I have a huge badonkadonk, always will, and huge boobs, which has seen a slight marginal decrease (which I'm fine w/...I'd be sad if I lost the girls...)

7. I'm slowly liking the way I look w/ clothes on, and learning that I don't need to hide who I am underneath.

8. I'm starting to slowly examine myself in the mirror, nekkid.  And learning to be happy with who I am, fat and all.  Why?  Because though I want to lose the weight, I know it's a process and a body.  And if I'm not happy w/ myself now, I'm never going to learn to be happy with myself later, which can easily lead to another type of addiction.  So...basically, learning to take one step at a time.