My Walk

So, it's been an interesting summer, and the start of the school year has been EXTREMELY hectic and stressful...starting up a new program is a lot harder than I anticipated, and realizing how much I need Him to go before me in my day.

Not only that, but learning how to rely on Him for EVERY need...hasn't been easy, and sometimes I have a hard time taking my own advice...and, well, trying to figure out how to do life in general...tough.

But, while listening to Pandora and reading, heard this song, and had to find the lyrics...because one thing that I've learned this summer, is that even when it feels like I can't go on, there's too much stress, bills are due, the impossible isn't possible...or, when I complain, worry, am anxious, or just lay out my heart to a friend just to get it off my chest...even then, I choose to praise Him.  Even when it's the hardest to do, when all I want to do is cry (which I usually do) or scream (which is more what I do in the car, driving down the highway where no one can hear me), or laugh hysterically (which apparently comes out more when I have late night quiet times)...even then, I'm learning to praise Him through EVERYTHING, every motion, every season, the good, the bad, the ugly...

And I thank Him.  I thank Him that this summer was the summer I DID NOT accept the spirit of poverty, but instead accepted His word that the rain would come.  I thank Him that I learned just how much I'm loved here in my little corner of the world.  I thank Him that I've begun to learn what spiritual family looks like...and that it's not something I have to work for, earn, or try to get them to love me...but that I am loved for me, being me. :)

I thank Him that I am altogether lovely, beautiful and wonderful.  And that I am learning, one step at a time, just who I am in Him, and who He is in me.  And that I'm growing to be a most beautiful and wonderful woman of God.

And that soon, very soon, something wonderful is gonna happen... :)

Til then, my friends!

Lyrics to My Walk: (which I cut and paste...typos are NOT mine haha)

No time for games that's how I'm liven {liven} hey
Using every gift that I'm given {given} hey
Just the thought of your name is bone chilling
So appealing my soul kinda got a warm feeling
Sense I was a little boy I knew your name
All of my family they said the same
They called you by your name shorty you know King, Messiah,
and all those big names she told me that life was gone cause pain {pain},
so just get on your face and call out his name
See I can't lie I love the world man {world man},
but I just feel like it time for a change hey hey

See
My walk ain't yo walk
My talk ain't yo talk
My slang ain't yo slang
But it's all the same
My bills aint yo bills
My deals ain't yo deals
But still we gotta praise him

My problems ain't yo problems whoa whoa
But I know that he can solve them whoa whoa
Jesus is who I call on whoa whoa
So guess what we gotta praise him

My gas bill due, My light due, verizon bill due
Man ya'll know how the do {cut you off} forget about what they due
See I'm gone stay focus on what he do.
Well I thank you for the phone that I talk on {talk on}
Thank you for the legs that I walk on {walk on}
Thank you the place that I call home
And that's enough to get my praise on cause

See
My walk ain't yo walk
My talk ain't yo talk
My slang ain't yo slang
But it's all the same
My bills aint yo bills
My deals ain't yo deals
But still we gotta praise him

My problems ain't yo problems whoa whoa
But I know that he can solve them whoa whoa
Jesus is who I call on whoa whoa
So guess what we gotta praise him

I I gotta praise I gotta praise gotta praise gotta praise I gotta praise
That's if you love him hey
That's if you need him hey
Open you heart hey and just receive him hey

I I gotta praise I gotta praise gotta praise gotta praise I gotta praise
That's if you love him hey
That's if you need him hey
Open you heart hey and just receive him hey

My walk ain't yo walk
My talk ain't yo talk
My slang ain't yo slang
But it's all the same
My bills aint yo bills
My deals ain't yo deals
But still we gotta praise him

My problems ain't yo problems whoa whoa
But I know that he can solve them whoa whoa
Jesus is who I call on whoa whoa
So guess what we gotta praise him

word vomit

Ever just have one of those moments where you want to sob and tear, and just breakdown for just a little bit?
Or how about those moments where you feel so overwhelmed, that no matter which way you go, it just feels like there's more things coming at ya?
Or when you stand and look, and can't seem to get your bearings, and life is passing you by so quickly?

It's been that kinda time.

After finally sitting down/resting/having a moment of peace to myself today, cleaning up the room, I realized how frustrated I am with certain things.  Even with God.  Actually, it all stems from God.

I
am
frustrated!

Sitting here,
Contending.
Wanting so much more,
Waiting.

I'm tired of the wait.

I want more.

I want the desires of my heart.
I want the things promised, the things foretold, the things I know that are coming.

And I want them now.

How about THAT for patience?

If I'm honest, I want the thing that is deep-most in my heart, the thing I long for the most, the thing that, in the secret of the night, I think about, dream about, talk about, in the secret place.

And I wonder if it will ever happen, ever come to pass.
I wonder if I will ever see the desires of my heart.

And as I sit here and wait, I get so frustrated.
With myself, with others.
With being needed, with having so much on my plate...
And having to learn how to deal with things once again.

I get so frustrated.
I wish I knew how to do this thing called life.
At least much better than what I think I'm doing now.
And sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that I could talk to others who know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, in EVERY arena/area of life.
But as of yet, I really haven't.
Not really, truth be told.
I mean, people understand, and I'm appreciative of that...
But it's different when it's someone who understands your heart, and the way you think.
And who can accept that, listen, and just shut up for a bit and not say anything back (more like, just listen and cry with me, and laugh with me, and love me even throughout the craziness of life and venting).

I guess this is just me venting.

I'm tired of the one upmanship.
The trying to compete.
The comparison games.
I
want
more.

I'm demanding more.
Not in an arrogant way.
But asking Him, "Why aren't I seeing more?  What's going on?  Why do I feel this dissatisfaction, this discontent?"

I mean, I'm doing what He's telling me to do.
I'm walking where He wants me to walk.
I'm even getting rid of things He's asking of me.
I'm doing an inventory of my heart, my room, my house...everything.
And even still, just this dissatisfaction.  And I don't know why.

*sigh*

Maybe it's cause I need a good cry.  Maybe it's because I just need to sit and not be around anyone for awhile. (Okay, if I'm honest w/ myself, this statement just hit the nail.)  Maybe it's because I need to get back to a place where He is my first priority rather than my last, my second, third, whatever. (another home run hit here)

All that to say...

Activities and things are good,
But they're not His great.
And I lost sight of priorities in the hecticness of things starting up again.
Trying not to stress.
Not to fumble.
Re-learning how to live life with Him as my first in the midst of chaos, the storms, work, life, being a friend...

And I haven't found the balance.
And I wish I could be an island for a bit, find the balance, then come back to dry land.
I wish that, as I told a friend, I could be left alone to just sit and talk and pray.  I mean, REALLY left alone. No questions, no prayer requests, no words of wisdom, no teaching, no...well, anything.  Just time to myself.  Me, a pen, a Bible, and a notebook.  And my music.  And just begin to write everything down.

Which is how today's post is coming to be...
me, worship music and a keyboard.  This is me pouring out my heart, my mind, everything....the emotions, the junk.
This is word vomit.
How I've missed my computer and the ability to just sit with everything I need.
As much as I appreciate house-sitting, I've missed having MY space, MY things, having everything I need to do what I do best....which is soak.

I wish I knew of a better way...because I've missed this the most.
Jesus, how I've missed You.
How I've missed our times together, the times where life didn't get in the way, I didn't get phone calls or texts, I wasn't needed to answer questions...
I've missed our quiet times, Jesus.  I've missed the times sitting by the pool and just talking to You.  I've missed Your chair and mine.
I've missed You so much.
And it was me that had started to drift.
And no conference, no person, no thing, can get me to You like me pouring out my heart and listening to Your words of love, words of peace, words of romance wooing my heart once again.

"For the Spirit and the Bride say come, O that You would rend the heavens, O that You would rend the heavens, O that You would rend the heavens and come down."
This is my cry in this season.
This is why the tears drop as I type, pray, think, hope.
This is what I long for...to be close to You once again.
JESUS

JESUS

JESUS

JESUS

All I need is You.
All I want is You.
All I long for is You.
Thank You for welcoming me back in Your arms.
Thanks for saving my chair.
Thanks for listening.
I love You.
I know my heart is safe with You.
I know the desires of my heart will come in time.  Your time.
Thank You for Your peace.
Your healing.
Your wisdom.
I love You.
I won't let the enemy win.
I won't stop contending.
I won't stop fighting.
I will hold onto the promises given.
I will send my angels to get those promises.
I will pray for the open doors.
I will believe and stand firm in the promises and hope given.
I will remain in Your word.
I will walk in Your peace.
I will choose righteousness.
I will stand,
And even if all else fails,
I will continue to stand.
Even on my knees,
Crawling to the cross,
I will keep You before me,
Knowing that nothing else matters but You.
I love You.
I will not lose hope.
I will not have confidence in the flesh.
I will believe until I see.
And I will stand upon the rock of my salvation.
JESUS

My own confession of a divided heart

This is probably one of the hardest things I've written so far in this blog journal.  One thing that I have the hardest time to admit...and I'm doing it publically.

You see, I've just read this blog that He used to convict me.  http://www.sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/confessions-a-divided-heart

You see, I have a divided heart.  And I have been noticing it for awhile. Where does this division come from, you ask?  (I'm glad you did.)

*take a deep breath

My divided heart comes from the fact that I am considered in the overweight/obese category.  That I have been sitting here for quite some time, and instead of exercising, moving, whatever it may be...it's been easier to hide in food.  The cookies, ice cream, Warm Delights, snacks, hot pockets...

That, if I'm completely truthful, I long to be healthy, but I'm scared of the process.  I'm scared of what would happen if I did lose the weight. I'm scared if I would change, me, my personality.  If I would take it all for granted, and become someone I'm not.  I'm scared to be seen.  To be known.

The truth...I'm just plain scared.

I know.

For some of you, you have no idea what this feels like.  And probably never will.  And that's okay.  I'm glad you don't.  But for others, like me, who hide behind food, sex, drugs, alcohol, or any other addiction...you know what I'm talking about.  This space, this double-mindedness, where you long for what's good, what's true...but you don't know how to stop the horrible cycle you find yourself in.

I'm here to say...I understand.

But I don't have the answers.  Not really.  All I have...
Is a desire to figure out how to change.  A desire to seek Him and to throw myself at His feet and ask Him to take it all away.

The desire and cry of my heart is to not give myself over to this addiction to food, but to understand how to become free from it.

Is it an easy process?  Um, no.  Not by any means.  And right now, everything in me is crying out to not do this.  That it's too hard, that I'll never change, that I CAN'T DO THIS.

And right now, that seems like such an easy thing to believe.

So, what does that mean?

It means...I'm going to have to pray and fast.  I'm going to have to seek Him to find what He wants me to do. I'm going to have to listen closely to His voice.

Why?  Because I want Him too desperately.  And I don't want to be addicted to food anymore.  I don't want to live for food anymore.  I've found myself grumpy, depressed and moody.  I know it's because I've allowed the enemy in in this matter.

But the good news...The good news is is that He wants to free me.  Does that mean instantaneous freedom?  No.  But it does mean that He'll hold my hand every step of the way.

Thank my Jesus.

And that, dear hearts, is my confession of a divided heart.