My Delight

Wow. It's been four months since I last posted.
Life has been crazy. Our home has slowly begun to get in order. And both hubby and I are doing FPU TOGETHER.  Haha
Our church family has been amazing.  I love them dearly! A far cry from just a few months ago. Eric and I have been abundantly blessed and in awe of what He has done in this area for us.

As a whole,  life has been...quiet.  In a sense. Ha! Eric and I have been learning to lean on Him so so much.  This season has been one of soaking up the revelation of "My delight is in You and You alone." We have had to cling to Him, & each other,  these past few months.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

A year ago,  I was angry at God. Certain areas and things were falling apart.  And to see just what that year, now, has brought about.

A new boss. And one who has already gone to bat for my campus.

A new staff, including an assistant.  And about an additional 40 children from last year.

New friendships that have spoken so much life into the two of us. But friendships that also challenge and grow us.

A spiritual "awakening" in a sense for both Eric and I.  Being able to draw closer to Him separately,  & then coming together to realize just how He has molded those pieces together.  From weeping,  to laughing,  to crying out before the throne of the One who loves. He truly has done something amazing in both of us.

Financial Peace University.  A budget.  Actually realizing that we are seriously willing to sacrifice what we can in order to become debt free. And standing our ground in this area. This has been a key growth area in us as we learn discipline in our finances.

But above all...

Sitting here pulling all nighter day two...

The joy of the Lord is my strength.  And I delight in Him. I love HIM.

My heart overwhelmingly pours out that love in worship,  rejoicing,  praising,  thanking,  worshipping.

Oh, to see how far He has taken me, & so grateful for the amazing man who took one look@  my past and told me it didn't matter.

My heart delights in His goodness.  But also in His gifts to me.

So, I look up, smile and cheese my way as I dance in joy at all He has done. :)

"And you're going to hear me roar"......7-5-14

Never has a song been so fitting for this season in my life.  This past week, I had the honor and privilege of not only coming up with the songs for our talent showcase, but also the choreography for both my kinder boys and girls.  (I split them up rather than teach all 28 one song.  I enjoy my sanity.)  For the girls, I chose "Roar" by Katy Perry and "#thatPower" by Will.i.am for my boys.

As I was practicing with the girls, and as we were talking about the lyrics, I noticed that my girls were REALLY getting into the song.  They began to REALLY believe that they ARE champions, and that they are amazing.  I could see their confidence boost as they got the dance routine down in 2 hours (no, I'm not joking...it only took 2 hours, and every single line had at least 1 step/move to go along with it, plus memorizing the entire song).  And then, on the day of the performance, when I added a NEW move, and they got that down in 30 minutes.  Yeah, my girls are pretty impressive and amazing.

But what I found awesome was that the more that I worked with them, the more that I listened to that song, I remembered that feeling of, "you're going to hear me roar".  I've GOT THIS.  I CAN DO THIS.  But always remembering to never give up.

Eric and I have been watching Season 13 of The Biggest Loser.  If I'm honest, that's probably one of my favorite seasons.  The season of NO EXCUSES.  And I've had so many.  "I can't work out.  I don't have a gym.  I don't have self-control.  I can't do this.  I'm too tired.  I lack motivation." and on and on and on it went.  As we sat watching, something began, once again, to rise up in me.

Now, now is the time for NO EXCUSES.  I can have excuses all I want.  But the bottom line is, how bad do I want it?  When every voice in my head is screaming to "Give Up", "Give In", and just lay down and wait for that death to come upon me (the death of dreams, etc.)....I remember that I am a fighter.

Oh, how that spirit of complacency gets us.  We allow ourselves to sit back and let life pass us by.  We watch others achieve the dreams we desire, and we get angry, and sometimes jealous, of all they've been able to accomplish because we ourselves can't do it.  We turn bitter and cold sometimes because our dreams have died.

I was thinking about all of this last night.  I'm sitting here looking at the tiger print headband I created for myself to match my  girls' scarves.  And my dreams are dusting themselves off and calling my name.  "Don't give up.  Don't give in."  "I've got the eye of the tiger, and you're going to hear me roar."

And can I just say that I have an amazing husband who is roaring right alongside me?!  He has refused to allow me to give up.  As a matter of fact, every time the commercials come on, he makes both of us get up and start working out, whether it be cardio, weights, squats, resistance bands....  Not only that, but he's pushing for both of us to head outside and workout, or to the gym and workout, or to the pool and workout.  My Eric has the eye of the tiger, and I am so glad that he is roaring alongside me on this journey, calling me to never give up.  He's invested himself in our eating/calories, in what we make, in the foods we invest in and buy, and in making sure that I never allow myself to give up any longer.

I think it's, once again, appropriate for the season I'm in.  It's once again time to read The Wounded Heart (can you hear my jumping for joy moment?!) and go back and dig things up and out.  BUT, there is so much hope and passion.  God has blessed me with an amazing husband who refuses to give up on our God-given dreams of being healthy and whole.  Especially since we have a goal together.  I have a certain goal that I am longing to reach.

With that being said,

One minute at a time....6/1/14

It's been awhile since I've last posted.  My previous one was most definitely a rant that I kept to myself. :)

Anywho....

I can't believe it's been 10 months since Eric and I got married.  We were talking earlier this weekend, and we both agree--it feels like it's been so much longer, but in such a good way.  I love my husband.  The man who cooked me breakfast and added extra turkey bacon 'cause I wanted.  He made the coffee for me, and he let me sleep in knowing just how tired I was.

The same man who's shampooing our bedroom carpet right now as we had a mini-flood happen on our floor.

The same man who gives me hugs when I asks, does GREAT back and feet massages, and who loves me unconditionally through the worst of my more dramatic moments.

All that to say....

It seems lately God has been hammering a singular theme into my life this past month.  "One minute at a time; one moment; one day."  Basically, it's all about the baby steps.  Sometimes I expect so much more out of myself than anyone else.  I put all of this added stress to try to get things perfect "just right".  And I have allowed myself to forget that it's okay to breathe in those little moments.  It's okay that not everything gets done all at once because I said so in one day.  I have had to admit, multiple times, that I am not superwoman.  I've tried to be.  Ask my hubby and staff.

I've tried to get everything perfect, lined up, ducks in a row.  I've tried to present that facade everything is okay, I can handle this attitude.  When, clearly, I can't.  From stress at work (deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, staff, deadlines, children, deadlines, deadlines, etc.) to stress at trying to maintain a home to "perfect" standards...

I'm sitting here with maybe 8 hours sleep under my belt this entire week.  And I'm thinking...I can't do this.

My thought process on this isn't real.

Something has to change.

So, I grab my 2nd cup of coffee, and I sit, and I write.  Only to realize....you know what, if it's not immaculately clean...it will be okay.

The chore chart has helped SOOOOO MUCH!!!!  It's allowed my life at home to be a bit more manageable, and less likely for me to pull my hair out every time I see something that needs to be done.

In essence, because we've broken up everything that needs to get done around the house between Eric and I, and between 6 days of the week....maintaining the house has been easier.  Keeping things CLEANER (I can't say it's completely clean) has been easier too.

What's the point of all this, you ask?

No matter what journey you are on, stop beating yourself up.  Stop expecting perfectionism.  Stop expecting others to be perfect.  Stop setting expectations of things so high, that you don't realize that you need to come down to Earth just a wee bit.  (Not saying lower them....just be REALISTIC with them.)  Let that Holy Spirit voice that we tend to push to the background have a bit louder of a say so.  Listen to the way you talk to yourself...if all you can do is put yourself down because of your imperfections, maybe it's time to realize that those same imperfections are what make you unique.

Above anything else, forgive yourself for feeling like you should be doing it all.  Because you can't.  No one can.  Not really.

And it's okay to admit that.  It's okay to admit that you need help, accountability and friendship along the way.  It's okay to fall off the wagon.  Just make sure you get back up and try it again.  And again.  And again.  Don't beat yourself up over falling.  Beat yourself up for not picking yourself back up again.  Or for giving up.

Anywho....that's all for now.  Just some thoughts as the shampoo thingy is running, the coffee is in my hand, and the pressure canner is slowly winding down. :)

-af

Meh....5-4-14

I couldn't sleep tonight.  Seems like that has been happening frequently.  Finally put it all together...there's a sort of' anniversary' date in my mind. More about that later.

Due to not sleeping,  I picked up my phone kindle and opened a book that had been sitting in my library for awhile.  I didn't know what I was getting into. I didn't put the book down until the ending.

And realized,  with tears in my eyes and quiet sniffles as hubby was asleep, I knew EXACTLY what the main character went through.

Did you know that trauma from various forms of abuse can cause PTSD?  Most people associate it with just war veterans,  but it's so much more.  Trauma affects many,  & most never realize.

Just ask my husband when we first got married.  There was a time when all objects that could cause me to hurt myself had to be hidden. The nightmares he had to try and walk me through.  The times that I was so far in a flashback I didn't,  couldn't,  know who my husband was. And the insane moments of absolute,  sheer terror that envelopes me when faced with similar situations, faces or even smells from' that' time.

To this day I can't stand the smell of beer. It makes me want to vomit every time.  Some days I can react a bit more politely about it,  but other times I have asked to switch seats or shifted my body so the smell bypasses me.

And the nightmares...  They're no longer as frequent,  but man there are nights I come out of it swinging my fists or hands at whatever is near me. Praise God for my husband.  He discovered just how much prayer and praise right before bedtime has helped.

What does that have to do with a book?

I've been steadily having sleepless nights.  Just...lots in my head. And I realized,  while reading,  that an anniversary of sorts is coming up. 

Did you know It's taken me three years to figure out this trigger?   & it freaking sucks.

I think the worst part is the depression and the funk that goes with it all. I can deal with the nightmares...but this feeling of wanting to just...hide away for awhile because at times I'm so afraid that something is going to trigger a stupid reaction.   *sigh*

Needless to say,  I'm very grateful for my husband.  He is extremely patient,  constantly reassuring that he is by my side every step of the moment.  He's also there when I just need to cry my eyes out and be held and comforted.

To be honest,  I don't exactly know why I'm sharing all of this. Maybe because I need sleep. Maybe because I need to let it off my chest that I'm not always okay and joyful.

But, I know this too shall eventually be overcome.  This too shall be conquered. Just in its own timing. I've been told that eventually it will get better,  but some days I wish it was a bit faster.

More than anything else,  I'm thankful to have a husband that understands and still loves me more each day.  I'm thankful for a God that says I'm healed. I'm thankful to have a hope, even when it seems so hopeless.

'Lord I'm amazed by You, how You love me. '

My soul sings.....3/17/14

I woke up at 2 am this morning with tears running down my face, my stomach clenched in pain, and the biggest pain in my heart.  "My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you."  This is on right now, knowing that within my heart is such a sharp, intense pain of sadness.

I woke up from a dream.  In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not.  Oh, how my heart grieved.  In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong.  He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person.  Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends.  And then I woke up.

Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now.  I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong.  My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that.  So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain.  I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.

He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished.  He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it.  The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer.  But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.

As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it.  He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis.  (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear.  I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at.  This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)

He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year.  How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families.  To show a God who does NOT judge.  To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments.  To be loved on, and love them in return.  He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education.  But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much.  Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do.  This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.

He reminded me of the ministry I have at home.  Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home.  He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day.  But also our garden, my garden.  Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list.  He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.

He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven.  ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)

As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity.  He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake.  The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams.  He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart.  But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.

So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships.  Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....

There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life

"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name.  The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name.  Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man.  You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name.  Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, Defender, You are my King."

My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him.  I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me.  But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him.  The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious.  Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh*  But I'm believing.  We're both believing.  And standing.  And praying.  And fighting.  And declaring healing over my body.

But I still sing praises.  I still sing my song of Love to Him.  I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior.  I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.

I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months.  Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together.  He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart.  My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.

"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power, 
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"

In all honestly, yes, I miss my friends so much.  I also understand just how hard it is to maintain those friendships over an hour away, one-way drive.  I also realize that Eric and I are choosing, instead, to put all our money into our debt, versus spending it on extra gas or dinners.  (I even stopped my very routine trips to Starbucks, knowing that spending $5 for a cup of coffee...well, that $5 could go towards something much more meaningful, like our savings account...)

All in all, I understand why I've chosen to do what we've done.  We've a goal in mind, and we are determined to reach it one way or another.

I guess, in a way, this dream was a way to allow me to say goodbye to one life, and hello to another.  Not that I'm getting rid of relationships, by any means. But instead, gaining a new life, renewed friendships, and a heart that is ever changing, ever growing, always being molded.  My heart still wants to maintain friendships and relationships, but also asking Him how I can do it, when I'm so far away that I actually tell people I live out of town! :0)

Hmm...I smell an amazing wind blowing again.  And I rest in the arms of my Savior, my Lover, my Comforter, my King, my Abba.

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You, Jesus.  I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, Jesus."

Getting back up....again...2/21/14

Sometimes, life takes you on a crazy journey.

And then tosses you out of the car.

That's kind of how I've been feeling lately.  A little lost, a little crazy and way too busy.

So, let's play catch up on where I'm at right now:

Work
After having 4 staff leave in January, leaving me 2 staff, plus myself, to work w/ around 100 kiddos...let's just say the stress of that time left me in tears almost every night.  My poor hubby...God bless him for learning to deal w/ the stress and love me that much more.  It meant late nights at work, and early mornings too.  It meant lots of chocolate, coffee and goodies for my staff because we were just trying to hang on, with no help on the way.

Now, almost 2 1/3 months later, we can honestly say we have survived it.  And I'm only down 1 staff now, instead of 4.  And I, overall, love each of them for their unique ways.  (One of them has a shoe collection...yes...we tease HIM a lot...lol...him and his Nike's...)  They've had to put up with a lot, but learn that much more quickly.  They've had to deal w/ so much, and I am thankful for each of them, and how they've ALL been willing to help take the load off of me when I finally opened up to just how stressed I was, and what it had been doing to me internally.

Health
Not so good, to be honest.  It's been...a very long ride.  Due to some complications w/ the meds I was first put on, and their side effects, we've had to once again get off the meds and try to control the issues homeopathically.  This has led to a lot of research, study, etc.  And frantically trying to find items the cheapest yet best possible (it's expensive!!!).  My weight has ballooned, and I am now heavier than when I first started this journey.  And it's been frustrating...  It doesn't help that I've pretty much been swollen for over a week now, and can't seem to get the swelling to leave...thus, the FB post on anti-inflammatory herbs and such.  Once again trying to find a homeopathic remedy that will fit and work with my body.

Yesterday, there was a meltdown on the way to drop Eric off to work.  I...couldn't deal w/ everything going on anymore.  I was just so frustrated, so broken, and so heartsick at feeling like everything was crashing down and all of the hard work was seemingly for nothing.

So, we had a heart talk last night, and came up with a game plan that involves the both of us.  I'm going back to the Daniel Fast/mostly vegetarian way I ate.  Partly for spiritual reasons, but also because my body does so much better on a vegetarian lifestyle than it does w/ the meats I've been incorporating due to the much-needed protein I was told I needed.  (Unfortunately, this is why I think the swollen hasn't gone down, and has only gotten worse...)  I'm excited, though I know my body is going to go under a serious detox that is going to leave me cranky and feeling like crap for awhile.  But I know in the long-run that it's what's needed to hopefully realign my body into where I need it to be.  Especially as I need to schedule another blood lab work to be done...which will determine if I need to be placed on insulin...

Eric and I also came up with a workout that we can do together at home.  Neither of us have money for a gym right now, and the idea of walking in the dark, in places I don't really know, makes both of us feel quite uncomfortable with that idea.  So, home workouts it is until God provides another way.  I'm praying for some weights right now, since we don't have any.  : D

Spiritual

BSF...lots of homework...so little time sometimes! lol  But it's been good, and I've been learning a lot.  That's probably all I'll say right now.

Anywho...this is a bit where I am right now.  On the journey, refusing to give up, even though everything in me is crying to throw in the towel.

I can't.  I won't.  He has shown me that I'm stronger than even what I think I am.  So, it's time to lean on His strength, His wisdom, and get through this, one footstep at a time.

Until next time...