Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:
http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people
After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home. All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.
Lemme give you a few examples:
1. The comparison game. All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody. If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you. (which will lead to example 2 in a minute) Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women. What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not. Insane, I know. And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.
2. Pride. Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have. Well, I'm not denying it. As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there. That damn sneaky little thing.
3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist). Yeah, I said it. What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life? But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?
All of this to say, I'm struggling. With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning. Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable. At times.
And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus. I'm so so sorry." Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again. Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry. I'm sorry that I've drifted away. I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience. I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out. But today, this morning, I took it out. And saw it clearly. And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere. (disgusting, I know, but get over it)
I allowed things that I never should have. And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him. So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go. Because if I don't, I'll drown under them. And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me. So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope. My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored. That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.
No, this journey isn't over yet. And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today. But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all. And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing. Because He loves me. And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.
Whew...
"Perfect love casts out all fear" And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.
So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning. Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination. And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."
And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.
http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people
After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home. All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.
Lemme give you a few examples:
1. The comparison game. All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody. If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you. (which will lead to example 2 in a minute) Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women. What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not. Insane, I know. And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.
2. Pride. Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have. Well, I'm not denying it. As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there. That damn sneaky little thing.
3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist). Yeah, I said it. What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life? But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?
All of this to say, I'm struggling. With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning. Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable. At times.
And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus. I'm so so sorry." Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again. Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry. I'm sorry that I've drifted away. I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience. I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out. But today, this morning, I took it out. And saw it clearly. And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere. (disgusting, I know, but get over it)
I allowed things that I never should have. And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him. So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go. Because if I don't, I'll drown under them. And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me. So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope. My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored. That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.
No, this journey isn't over yet. And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today. But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all. And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing. Because He loves me. And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.
Whew...
"Perfect love casts out all fear" And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.
So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning. Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination. And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."
And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.
