Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex

Contemplations

You know, sometimes I really hate late nights.  Like tonight.  When I have too much time to think.  And then I think about my day, the things I've done, the actions I did or did not take.  And then I start to over think.  I know, I know.

Like this morning, for instance.  When I weighed-in on the scale.  And then I immediately wanted to hurl the scale, or maybe just myself, off in a fit of temper.  Because the number was seriously high.  And I know numbers don't matter, especially when clothes are fitting loose.  But lemme tell you...I'm a numbers girl...and I like numbers.  So, to me, numbers DO MATTER.  Why?  Because it's something I can see visibly.  Which stinks...because then I get hung up on these numbers...and, well, now you know what a semi-conversation looks like inside my head in this paragraph here.

All that to say...

I had to breathe. And NOT let the numbers get me down.  Because I know I've been working out.  For the most part, I've been REALLY good on my meals/eating habits/lifestyle changes.  And that all this interval training has made me get some serious muscles on my body (yaaaaaaaaaay).

But I have received that I need to just bury the scale somewhere in the boonies in hopes that it never find me anytime soon.

Because numbers and visuals do a whack-job to my brain.  And start getting me in a tizzy.

So today, I had to learn to lean on Him for my identity.  To choose to not listen to the lies inside my head saying all kinds of crappy things.  Was it easy?  No.  Am I still battling?  Yes.

But PTL His mercies are new EVERY morning.  And so are my choices. :)

So, all that to say....

If you're in a strangle, struggling place...it's okay.  Keep going.  Keep holding on.  Don't quit.  Don't give up.  You'll get through it...push through....keep up the good work...even when it's not so good, keep going...because your new day is coming! :)

Short, sweet, to the point.  It's just something I needed to write out to get out of my head and on to the journal.

night, my small world. :)

!!! & YAAAAY & UGH! all in one! :)

First off I've gotta say, if you've been reading up on these, thanks everyone! :)  And if not, no worries.  I still love you. :)  I just may withhold my yummy oh-so-delicious chocolate chip cookies from you!  (Which, MG, I haven't forgotten that I owe you a batch!)

With all of that being said...

Today's title...kinda makes me sound a little off, right? haha  I think probably because that's what is going inside my head right now.  Lots of excitement, lots of dancing around, and then throw in some groans or 6 and you've got me all figured out this season!  I should probably just start listing, explaining, and going from there! :)

1. Contending for the word: healthy life & supernatural weight loss.  This right here has got to be the number one biggest battle in my life right now.  Not the addiction, not the past...but this right here.  Yes, I know it's tied to the past.  And tied to the thoughts in my head.  But it's been a constant battle to get up and believe this word.  Partly because it seems so easy to just give in and not do it...not workout, not eat healthy, not live a healthy life.  And honestly, some days I throw up my hands, say screw it all, and eat a 3 mini-scoops of vanilla ice cream w/ nutella, sugar waffle cones and M&Ms.  (Yes, that's what I did tonight.)  So many people tend to think it's easy, that all this enthusiasm comes naturally (did you hear me snort in laughter just now?!).  They couldn't be more wrong.  Though I'm learning how to enjoy it, it's still a battle.  A battle inside my head going, You know what happens when men think you're beautiful.  What if the abuse happens again?  What if you get noticed? What if all men see is the "skinny" you and that's all you attract?  What if...what if...what if...  I HATE HATE that game inside my head.  And every second is a battle to not give in to those lies.  To take every thought captive to the obedience and knowledge of Christ.  Because that's not what my Daddy Father says.  But a part of me is seriously freaked out on what, exactly, would happen WHEN I lose this weight...I've never been "skinny". EVER. EEEVVVEEEERRRR.  For as long as I can remember, I've always worn plus-size clothing.  And now, I'm slowly seeing the light where I can very soon stop shopping at Lane Bryant because all their clothes are too big...and inside my head, though I seem to present a nice, calm, happy exterior...inside my head I am slowly wigging out.  I am slowly, step by step, battling.  Battling for my life, my health...for the vision and the words spoken over me concerning health, wholeness and healing.  And I know so many people have so much input and ideas and yada yada yada...the one thing that I KNOW to do ...is listen to my Daddy on what HE wants me to do.  And to Debbie! lol  (can't forget Ms. Debbie!)  Some may be offended by this, see this as arrogant.  Not really.  I just need to listen to His voice...because when I hear His voice, that's when peace reigns inside my heart and my head.  I don't hear the lies when I hear His voice.  All I hear is the words, "Keep going, beautiful beloved!  You've got this!  Come on!  I'm giving you MY strength.  Here, take MY joy!  Shout it out...let out all the tears, frustrations and anger that got you here in the first place."  And, at points in time during my workouts recently, I've just done the workout, the exercise, weeping, in tears, screaming at myself to keep going, don't quit, don't stop.  Learning how to OVERCOME the lies of the enemy with the truth that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!  Is it easy?  No.  Not by any means.  And I still quake at the thought of what might happen when I hit where I want to be weight (number) wise.  (I couldn't do clothes size as I don't remember being smaller than an 18...yeah, I said that via cyber space.)  But I know that I have some amazing cheerleaders who love me, been with me through the lies, through the deliverance, and through the journey.  So, I'd like to give a shout out to a few people right here and now...and if I forgot you, I'm sorry...it's late! lol  Just hit me up and I'll add ya!

Shout out goes to: Mari--through the phone calls and texts, always pushing me to keep going, never quit, and listening as I sob on the phone.  Rose D--for making me want to be a bit more competitive...not intentionally...but because I know you're, like, super buff and I wanna be like you! :)  Rose B--for listening, for the hugs, and for the info on how to keep my body healthy naturally.  Without you, my life would be sad.  And I'd never have 4 amazing little boys to hug, cuddle and watch TV with if it wasn't for you and Nick!  Debbie G--oh, this woman!  oh oh this woman!  Kicks my butt, and then has me coming back for me I get so excited! lol  Who encourages me, and then tells me I can't go half-way in things...like moving isn't working out! lol  But who loves me enough in Christ that every time I see her I just want to hug her and thank her...because I know she doesn't realize just how much this means to me. Joe & Desiree H--who added me to their FB group, and got me to begin to challenge myself...but who also put me with the right connections to get onto this path of healthy living.  Ruby P & the ladies from Thursday morning glory group--you all have NO IDEA how much I love you all!  Every time I see you all I just wanna give hugs!! haha  Your encouragement, wisdom and prayers have gotten me through some tough and dark times this season, and for that, I thank you.  You all get to see the end results as He takes me through this journey.  And thanks for letting me share what He's been doing in me!
And for the others who have prayed, given words, or just plain blessed me--thank you thank you thank you!  You have no idea the encouragement you've given to me...even when I don't always want to hear it! lol

2. Freedom to be who I am in Him.  Oh, how this has been a very important key this season!  Learning whose I am, but also WHO I am...without excuses! :)  Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, yet changing where He's called me to change.  In essence, finally getting my identity from logos (head knowledge) to rhema (heart knowledge) and understanding just exactly what that means.  And not accepting anything less than that!  Also learning to accept myself...flaws and all.  And be content with who He has made me to be...and FINALLY believing all those things He says about me.  Even on bad days, days where it's stressful, or I want to rage at the world...I've seen a difference in my stance of identity...I no longer claim the bad stuff, but instead speak the Word over myself, and my situation.  Which leads to...

3. Growing Up.  It's taking many, many years for this to finally come to pass.  But I'm realizing that I'm beginning to bloom as a woman of God.  And am SO STINKIN' EXCITED about this!  After the many words about this, finally understanding what He meant when He said those things...just...wow.  I'm growing up.  I wish I could explain more about that, but honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin.  Which is probably why a friend and I had a 3 hour conversation! hahahahaha  Trying to share everything with him was way more difficult than I expected...because there was so much to share!  But I thank him for listening to me anyways! :)  And feeding me yummy food. :)

4. Moving.  Oh my gosh the trials that went with this.  Exhaustion, forgetting to pack half my crap due to exhaustion, frustration w/ myself, frustration w/ myself, more frustration w/ myself. lol  Not many people know where I moved to...I'd like to keep it that way.  I'm okay w/ this, actually.  I honestly like being off the grid for a season.  This has allowed me to get my ducks in a row personally.  From finances, to prayers, to learning how to live life...I've needed this for awhile.  And I have moved in with a wonderful lady who is willing to help me learn how to organize, keep house, and help me maintain a nice, cleanly environment.  More like, she's willing to take my hand and show me those steps!  Thanks, Ms. Patti! :)  You are an answer to a prayer I never knew I had prayed until recently.  This move...it's been...interesting.  I've purged over half of my things.  I took MG's car loaded up to the brim, then my car loaded up front seat, back seat AND trunk.  And I'm more than likely going to take another load when I begin to unpack.  Goodwill has gotten so much from me I think I single-handedly supplied their store for a week! lol  Including furniture!  But honestly, this has been a season of purging.  Out with the old woman, in with the new mind-skin.  The new me.  The me that is free, whole, healed and delivered.  The me that I always knew was inside, but I was so stinkin' scared to let out.  And honestly,  I love who He's making me to be.  I'm great! lol

And with all of that being said...I wish we could sit down face to face and I could tell you just exactly what's been on my heart lately.  But that would take way longer than this blog to do!  So, I'll leave you with a song that has been playing on the radio recently, and when I first heard it, I was like, YES! :)

Girls Night In--A DIY Night Courtesy of Pinterest & Research! :)

Okay...so tonight I decided to treat myself to a mini-spa night while on vacation house-sitting! hahaha  It all started w/ Pinterest ideas...and then blossomed into researching other ideas/recipes for this...and then I just plain wanted dessert and a try at the jacuzzi bathtub. :)

So, here are the recipes!  Enjoy...relax...if you'd like, pour yourself a tiny glass of wine to go w/ your dessert.  And if you don't drink, make non-alcoholic ones (which is what I did!). :)

Recipe #1: Espresso Yourself Face Mask
courtesy of: http://www.herbcompanion.com/heal/body-care/facial-mask-recipe-zmrz12fmzwar.aspx

1/4 cup finely ground coffee, preferably espresso roast (okay, I cheated...I used k-cups 'cause that's all the coffee I found around the house...and they had them in bulk...I used 2)
1/4 cup cocoa powder (I used the dark chocolate variety, 'cause, well, I LOOOOOVE dark chocolate)
1/2 cup whole milk (I used 1% as that was what was in the fridge)

Combine and mix thoroughly to make a paste.  To use: put on face and neck, avoiding mouth/eyes area.  Leave on for 15 minutes then wash off w/ warm water.

Review: This wasn't too bad.  It was a bit runny for my taste...which made for an interesting time trying to get it on my face.  But overall, it worked.  Even w/ the modifications. :)  My face feels super soft and silky...a VERY different texture than I'm used to from other masks that I've tried (mainly an avocado/oatmeal mask, and a tomato/oatmeal/lemon juice mask).  When I make this again, I'm definitely going to try using LESS milk to make more of a paste, which is what it's supposed to be. :)

Recipe #2: Olive Oil Hair Treatment
courtesy of: http://www.collegefashion.net/beauty-and-hair/dorm-room-spa-3-easy-diy-beauty-recipes-to-try/

2 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil

Rub EVOO into hair, massaging it into scalp and ends.  Take a warm, damp towel and wrap around head and hair.  Leave on for 30-45 minutes.  Rinse with shampoo.  May take several washings (it took me 2).

Review: My hair enjoyed this.  If you have naturally oily hair, DON'T USE IT!  It'll just make it worse.  BUT, it did make my hair nice and soft, very silky.  It did make it a bit heavier (which is probably why it helps w/ frizz).  I left it on for 20 minutes rather than the full time.  Overall, I liked this one.  The debate is still out, though, until tomorrow! :)

Recipe #3: Brown Sugar Body Scrub
courtesy of: http://www.collegefashion.net/beauty-and-hair/dorm-room-spa-3-easy-diy-beauty-recipes-to-try/

1 1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/4 tsp vanilla extract

Combine all ingredients.  And it's ready to use! :)

Review:  I TOTALLY loved this recipe!!!  I will be making it and leaving it in a container.  It's even BETTER than the one I have from Bath Junkie (sorry bath junkie...even though I'm a devoted fan, this one is cheaper and so much more nicer!).  Instead of EVOO I used coconut oil (look up the 80 uses of coconut oil via google or pinterest).  Which meant that I DIDN'T put in the vanilla, as the coconut smell was strong enough for me! :)  I did add a dash of coffee grounds (left over from the k-cups and recipe #1) and a dash of cinnamon--I don't recommend the cinnamon portion! lol  But I wanted to be adventurous tonight! :)  Overall, my skin feels AMAZING!  My alligator skin on the legs is on the mend (thanks coconut oil!) and I just plain love the feel of nice satin on my skin. :)  This one for sure is a keeper...with a possibility of it being given as gifts! :)  You can also put in essential oils, vitamin E (break open the capsules) for additional smells and skin benefits.

For dessert, I had cream puffs.  No, they weren't homemade.  They were in the freezer here at the house, and rather than create a dessert, I just thawed those babies out while I created the recipes, ran the bath, and got everything ready for my spa night in! :)

What a GREAT way to celebrate goals achieved and victories won! :)

Recipe: Creamy Avocado Shells

I will say...this is NOT my recipe!  I got it from this site: http://www.fromthelittleyellowkitchen.com/2011/03/31/creamy-avocado-shells-the-clockless-oven/

So, for really pretty yummy delicious looking pictures, go there! lol  But for time, here's the breakdown of the recipe.

2 medium avocadoes
1 lemon juiced & lemon zest
3 garlic cloves (or to taste)
1/2 cup fresh basil (this came directly from my "garden")
4 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil (I'm replacing it w/ coconut oil)
4 servings of pasta shells (for added healthiness, I'm using quinoa pasta shells bought at Whole Foods)

add-in not in the recipe: cooked chicken...'cause I need my protein after a workout! :)

Blend garlic, lemon and EVOO together.  Add avocado, basil, salt and pepper.  Process til creamy.  Pour and toss over cooked pasta shells.  (Best if shells cooked al dente...but I'm not too fond of hard food, so I like mine a wee bit softer!)

Enjoy! :)

P.S. Daniel fast approved WITHOUT the chicken!  If you're more into the stricter Daniel Fast, this may not work for ya! :)

It's time to step in!

The water's high and rising even more.  The past 2 days have been...woooooooow.  Between packing, moving and Jesus, it's been a whirlwind week! :)

"Raise up an army of laid down lovers"

I think to try to explain everything that's been going on would take a REALLY long time.  So, I'll try to be brief (as I'm taking a break of sorts) then come back to it later again today.

I got wasted in the Holy Spirit.  And it was like....whoa!  Way better than chocolate wasted, by the way! :)  AND dancing too! Whoaaaaa! hahahahahahaha

Some healing/restoration needed to happen.  Some more freedom needed to rain down.  And I needed to understand just who I am.  It's almost like this past 2 1/2 months have been this constant feeding of right mindsets, right thinking, casting out the old, renewing the mind, transforming...ever-changing.  After the 2 years of getting rid of junk, it's been a season of replacement...old patterns, old mindsets, old habits, old goals and desires.  Now, it's been time to take a step out into faith and begin to grow-up in who He has made me to be.  And WHAT a journey of discovery (ha!  I sorta had a rhythm going in my head there for a moment! haha).

My heart's just growing bigger.  More in love with Daddy God than ever before.  And dancing with my King.

And not apologizing for who He's made me to be.  And looking to Him for my approval and acceptance. :)

Well, folks, it seems I'm right where He wants me to be this new season of my life.  And I'm so looking forward to exploring this new place! :)

Workout #3: Strength Training Intervals

Once again, thanks to Debbie G for putting this all together!  :)

Burpees, 10 each.  On a step.  Challenge: w/out step
Squats w/ Shoulder Press.  20 each, 10 w/ press 10 w/out press.  Barely touch bottom of chair.

Everything else is timed; start w/ 30 seconds and work the way up to 1 minute each:

-side to side (w/ a step or w/out).  Challenge, for me, will be with a step...working on my coordination here! lol
-push ups (on knees right now)
-on the ball w/ a band:
   back pull (lying on hips/abs area and then pulling band back to work my back upper back region)
   abs on ball w/ band (in crunch position, hold band w/ each hand, and use band as added resistance)
   1-arm bicep w/ band (tie around something, and do from side position)
   tricep dips on ball--place ball against the wall (challenge: ball off the wall)
-1-arm shoulder press (10 lbs e/ arm)
-bottom to upright row, go up on toes (10 lbs each arm)
-reverse lunges w/ a punch out
-Russian twist w/ 5-8 lbs (arms to floor to work abs more)
-plank, on knees, elbows aligned w/ shoulders (start w/ 30 sec, challenge is a full minute)
-toe touches (crunches w/ arms out)

As of March 2nd, here are my original numbers for each.  I'll need to put an updated total when I move on to the next workout round! :)


30 seconds each:

-side to side 17/forgot to do 2nd set of this...whoopsie!
-push ups 11/18
-on the ball w/ a band:
   back pull 12/13
   abs on ball w/ band 11/11
   1-arm bicep w/ band 13/13
   tricep dips on ball--place ball against the wall 18/16
-1-arm shoulder press 18/19
-bottom to upright row, go up on toes 11/13
-reverse lunges w/ a punch out 11/12
-Russian twist w/ 8 lb kettlebell 10/12
-plank, on knees, elbows aligned w/ shoulders 2 30-sec planks
-toe touches 18/19