This weekend, I've been writing a letter. It's taken me a few days to write it. To most, it probably seems weird, even insignificant, that I'm writing out this letter.
It's a letter to a man I've yet to meet.
I guess I should backtrack a bit. Back to November 2005. A time in my life that was hard, but I was learning who I was becoming in Him. Not many months after that I went through my first deliverance session. I was praying one night, aching, being a girl, longing for something I thought was missing. When I heard the Lord whisper to me to start writing letters. Letters to my future husband. I must admit, I thought He was a little...ummm...nuts, shall we say. :) But the more I thought about it, the more my heart grew excited.
So, November 12, 2005 I wrote my first letter. I have no idea what I wrote, as I sealed it in an envelope. Later on, I created a box to place all of my handwritten notes. The box is kinda overflowing now, but that's okay.
This weekend, I finished yet another letter to the dear man I've yet to meet. Then, as I do every time I put a letter in my box, I started going through them.
Only this time was different. I had finished my letter just sitting in worship to Him, praying, crying out to Him, seeking His peace, pouring my heart out into this letter.
When I started looking at the letters, I began to realize...
...that these letters was a testimony to my relationship with my Abba Father. The Lover of my Soul. The One who loves me most, best, forever. And I couldn't stop crying and laughing at the same time. And hugging the letters to my heart. And crying some more. Even now, tears are pouring out.
As I realize that the letter writing was a balm to my heart. A testimony to myself of how far I have come. Of how far He has taken me, and is taking me. Of how much He loves me. As I see the notes that are written on the envelopes, I see a love song to my Savior, my Lover, my friend. These letters no longer are just about a man who may or may not be in my distant future, or even current future. But instead, these letters have become a relationship of love, gratitude, honor and praise to my King, my Lover.
And I have finally begun to understand...
I've made Him my Lover. My all. My everything. I can't see anything but Him, and His utter absolute love for me. Every time my eyes try to stray, all I see is Him, and He bring me back to Him, time and time again. I look at Him now, not just as a Savior, or even not just as a Friend, but instead, as my Lover. My true Lover. As in my heart, the desire for something else has been replaced with a desire for Him.
Will I ever meet the number two (aka husband)? I don't know. I don't even know if I have met this man. But my heart doesn't care anymore right now. One phrase keeps coming up, that I'm pretty sure I'll need to look up...the balm of Gilead.
All this to say...day by day, hour by hour...He is healing my heart. This journey has not been easy. Heck, it's been tough year after year, day after day. And there have been times where I've given up, let go, turned my back, walked away. But always, always, always, has He been there, holding me, cherishing me. Like a lover waiting, beckoning, longing for the one whose heart they hold...so He's been waiting, longing, holding, and cherishing me.
And this time, this time, I'm listening. Truly listening.
And my heart whispers to Him,
"I want to dance with You."
