Things Unseen.....1/7/16

Life has been...different.  It's been...weird, to say the least.  I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet.  A different stress.  A different life.

By all means, please don't hear complaint.  I'm not complaining.  It's different.

I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek.  And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.

You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless.  I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.

There, I said it.  Depression.  The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.

I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face.  Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down.  I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years.  The last one was...terrifying.

I remember the first time it happened.  I almost committed suicide.  I was ready to give up, give in.  Instead, He brought me to Jesus.  It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace.  If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.

Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction.  Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place.  He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light.  He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me.  He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance.  This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.

Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different.  It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing.  The darkness name: sexual abuse.  I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it.  The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness.  I was...broken.  I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing.  To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this.  Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive.  Some days are better than others.  Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come.  The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything.  So, some nights, some days are better than others.  My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare.  (This a few years later, after the counseling.)

After counseling, I was...free.  God opened so many doors, so many friendships.  He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.

Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness.  The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.

And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!

With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT!  He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning.  He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley.  As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful.  To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.

Hold on, Beloved.  Hold on.  FIGHT!  Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in.  Instead, make a way for Me!  Instead, worship Me!  Instead, honor Me!  Instead, love Me!  AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU!  I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!

With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus!  Yes!!  I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope.  Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You.  I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed.  I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.

Above all...I will love.  I will love.

My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  FIGHT!  Believe!  Seek!  And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness.  There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.

My greatest gift so far.....10/19/15

Well, it's been awhile.  A pretty long while.  It helps that we have a desktop once again, thanks to some pretty cool friends of ours. (Yay N & R!)

Life...life has been sweet.  It's been 2 years and roughly 2 months since Eric and I have been married.  Yesterday, we were able to renew our vows in front of everyone at church.  Something that Pastor Robin said really resonated with us...our journey has been long, rough and sometimes I've wanted to throw in the towel regarding healing and where God has been taking me.

When I first saw that our church was doing the vow renewals, I asked Eric about it.  I wanted to see if he was interested.  After we discussed it, he said go for it.  So, we did.

About a day after signing up this past week, God reminded me of a word that He had given me regarding my relationship with my then-future husband.  (I hadn't even met Eric yet when this word was given to me.)  My husband would help heal some of the wounds in my heart and in my life.  When I heard Him whisper that to me, I thought back to all of the things Eric and I have been through together.  The night terrors, the insomnia, those moments where I slap his hands away because I couldn't bear to be touched, never knowing if it was a dream or reality that someone was trying to harm me.  (This usually happens when he tries to shake me awake before the terror completely grabs ahold.)  The emotional turmoil that he has had to go through, as I worked on being healed from the inside out when it came to the abuse.

I think this man deserves a cape.  Because he's my hero.  He has loved me through so much.  Through tears, pain.  He's held me as I wake up screaming or sobbing.  He's kissed me awake knowing that, in my terror, I may not recognize him.  But he does it anyways, trying to get me out of the terror before it truly begins.  He's cried with me, walked with me, prayed over me, and stuck by my side.

Someone awhile ago told me that I had offended quite a number of people when I got married to this man.  (Mostly on the way I married him, as we eloped.)  I've lost quite a number of friendships, some due to offense, some naturally drifting away, and some because of the move.  It still saddens me, the lose.  But I can't nor don't regret it.  Eric has been the greatest gift that my Abba Father has given me.  He's used the arms of my husband to bring healing.  The words spoken in the dark, which I'm terrified of, to bring light.  He's used Eric's prayers to bring about a healing that has allowed me to quietly blossom and grow.

As the tears come into my eyes, I realize just how much I love this man.  How much and how glad that I am married to this wonderful gift.  My Abba Father has truly blessed me.  Eric has been well worth the wait.

And as I think back and reflect in my quiet time this morning, I can't help but smile my large smile.  From 2 years ago to now, I remember telling Eric that my heart's cry was to help people like me, to walk alongside young women who needed a shoulder and a mentor, to bring light into a place where few are willing to travel, to speak life into them and pull out what will later be such a marvelous, healing treasure.  And to know that we are slowly beginning to do this as a couple.  Eric, my strong, amazing Eric, has been willing to have our tiny little home be opened up to women searching for more...more Jesus, more knowledge, more life skills, and more friendship. 

It's been a great 2 years and roughly 2 months.  It's been a great season, despite its ups and downs.  It's been...blessed.  And I love seeing how Abba Father is slowly restoring things in different areas of my life.  I know things will never be perfect, nor am I expecting them to.  All I know is that I'm thankful that Eric brings a little bit of heaven to earth as we walk this life together.  I love you, my handsome man.

"And you're going to hear me roar"......7-5-14

Never has a song been so fitting for this season in my life.  This past week, I had the honor and privilege of not only coming up with the songs for our talent showcase, but also the choreography for both my kinder boys and girls.  (I split them up rather than teach all 28 one song.  I enjoy my sanity.)  For the girls, I chose "Roar" by Katy Perry and "#thatPower" by Will.i.am for my boys.

As I was practicing with the girls, and as we were talking about the lyrics, I noticed that my girls were REALLY getting into the song.  They began to REALLY believe that they ARE champions, and that they are amazing.  I could see their confidence boost as they got the dance routine down in 2 hours (no, I'm not joking...it only took 2 hours, and every single line had at least 1 step/move to go along with it, plus memorizing the entire song).  And then, on the day of the performance, when I added a NEW move, and they got that down in 30 minutes.  Yeah, my girls are pretty impressive and amazing.

But what I found awesome was that the more that I worked with them, the more that I listened to that song, I remembered that feeling of, "you're going to hear me roar".  I've GOT THIS.  I CAN DO THIS.  But always remembering to never give up.

Eric and I have been watching Season 13 of The Biggest Loser.  If I'm honest, that's probably one of my favorite seasons.  The season of NO EXCUSES.  And I've had so many.  "I can't work out.  I don't have a gym.  I don't have self-control.  I can't do this.  I'm too tired.  I lack motivation." and on and on and on it went.  As we sat watching, something began, once again, to rise up in me.

Now, now is the time for NO EXCUSES.  I can have excuses all I want.  But the bottom line is, how bad do I want it?  When every voice in my head is screaming to "Give Up", "Give In", and just lay down and wait for that death to come upon me (the death of dreams, etc.)....I remember that I am a fighter.

Oh, how that spirit of complacency gets us.  We allow ourselves to sit back and let life pass us by.  We watch others achieve the dreams we desire, and we get angry, and sometimes jealous, of all they've been able to accomplish because we ourselves can't do it.  We turn bitter and cold sometimes because our dreams have died.

I was thinking about all of this last night.  I'm sitting here looking at the tiger print headband I created for myself to match my  girls' scarves.  And my dreams are dusting themselves off and calling my name.  "Don't give up.  Don't give in."  "I've got the eye of the tiger, and you're going to hear me roar."

And can I just say that I have an amazing husband who is roaring right alongside me?!  He has refused to allow me to give up.  As a matter of fact, every time the commercials come on, he makes both of us get up and start working out, whether it be cardio, weights, squats, resistance bands....  Not only that, but he's pushing for both of us to head outside and workout, or to the gym and workout, or to the pool and workout.  My Eric has the eye of the tiger, and I am so glad that he is roaring alongside me on this journey, calling me to never give up.  He's invested himself in our eating/calories, in what we make, in the foods we invest in and buy, and in making sure that I never allow myself to give up any longer.

I think it's, once again, appropriate for the season I'm in.  It's once again time to read The Wounded Heart (can you hear my jumping for joy moment?!) and go back and dig things up and out.  BUT, there is so much hope and passion.  God has blessed me with an amazing husband who refuses to give up on our God-given dreams of being healthy and whole.  Especially since we have a goal together.  I have a certain goal that I am longing to reach.

With that being said,

One minute at a time....6/1/14

It's been awhile since I've last posted.  My previous one was most definitely a rant that I kept to myself. :)

Anywho....

I can't believe it's been 10 months since Eric and I got married.  We were talking earlier this weekend, and we both agree--it feels like it's been so much longer, but in such a good way.  I love my husband.  The man who cooked me breakfast and added extra turkey bacon 'cause I wanted.  He made the coffee for me, and he let me sleep in knowing just how tired I was.

The same man who's shampooing our bedroom carpet right now as we had a mini-flood happen on our floor.

The same man who gives me hugs when I asks, does GREAT back and feet massages, and who loves me unconditionally through the worst of my more dramatic moments.

All that to say....

It seems lately God has been hammering a singular theme into my life this past month.  "One minute at a time; one moment; one day."  Basically, it's all about the baby steps.  Sometimes I expect so much more out of myself than anyone else.  I put all of this added stress to try to get things perfect "just right".  And I have allowed myself to forget that it's okay to breathe in those little moments.  It's okay that not everything gets done all at once because I said so in one day.  I have had to admit, multiple times, that I am not superwoman.  I've tried to be.  Ask my hubby and staff.

I've tried to get everything perfect, lined up, ducks in a row.  I've tried to present that facade everything is okay, I can handle this attitude.  When, clearly, I can't.  From stress at work (deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, staff, deadlines, children, deadlines, deadlines, etc.) to stress at trying to maintain a home to "perfect" standards...

I'm sitting here with maybe 8 hours sleep under my belt this entire week.  And I'm thinking...I can't do this.

My thought process on this isn't real.

Something has to change.

So, I grab my 2nd cup of coffee, and I sit, and I write.  Only to realize....you know what, if it's not immaculately clean...it will be okay.

The chore chart has helped SOOOOO MUCH!!!!  It's allowed my life at home to be a bit more manageable, and less likely for me to pull my hair out every time I see something that needs to be done.

In essence, because we've broken up everything that needs to get done around the house between Eric and I, and between 6 days of the week....maintaining the house has been easier.  Keeping things CLEANER (I can't say it's completely clean) has been easier too.

What's the point of all this, you ask?

No matter what journey you are on, stop beating yourself up.  Stop expecting perfectionism.  Stop expecting others to be perfect.  Stop setting expectations of things so high, that you don't realize that you need to come down to Earth just a wee bit.  (Not saying lower them....just be REALISTIC with them.)  Let that Holy Spirit voice that we tend to push to the background have a bit louder of a say so.  Listen to the way you talk to yourself...if all you can do is put yourself down because of your imperfections, maybe it's time to realize that those same imperfections are what make you unique.

Above anything else, forgive yourself for feeling like you should be doing it all.  Because you can't.  No one can.  Not really.

And it's okay to admit that.  It's okay to admit that you need help, accountability and friendship along the way.  It's okay to fall off the wagon.  Just make sure you get back up and try it again.  And again.  And again.  Don't beat yourself up over falling.  Beat yourself up for not picking yourself back up again.  Or for giving up.

Anywho....that's all for now.  Just some thoughts as the shampoo thingy is running, the coffee is in my hand, and the pressure canner is slowly winding down. :)

-af

My soul sings.....3/17/14

I woke up at 2 am this morning with tears running down my face, my stomach clenched in pain, and the biggest pain in my heart.  "My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you."  This is on right now, knowing that within my heart is such a sharp, intense pain of sadness.

I woke up from a dream.  In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not.  Oh, how my heart grieved.  In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong.  He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person.  Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends.  And then I woke up.

Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now.  I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong.  My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that.  So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain.  I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.

He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished.  He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it.  The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer.  But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.

As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it.  He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis.  (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear.  I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at.  This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)

He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year.  How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families.  To show a God who does NOT judge.  To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments.  To be loved on, and love them in return.  He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education.  But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much.  Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do.  This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.

He reminded me of the ministry I have at home.  Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home.  He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day.  But also our garden, my garden.  Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list.  He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.

He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven.  ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)

As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity.  He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake.  The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams.  He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart.  But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.

So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships.  Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....

There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life

"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name.  The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name.  Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man.  You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name.  Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, Defender, You are my King."

My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him.  I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me.  But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him.  The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious.  Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh*  But I'm believing.  We're both believing.  And standing.  And praying.  And fighting.  And declaring healing over my body.

But I still sing praises.  I still sing my song of Love to Him.  I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior.  I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.

I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months.  Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together.  He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart.  My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.

"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power, 
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"

In all honestly, yes, I miss my friends so much.  I also understand just how hard it is to maintain those friendships over an hour away, one-way drive.  I also realize that Eric and I are choosing, instead, to put all our money into our debt, versus spending it on extra gas or dinners.  (I even stopped my very routine trips to Starbucks, knowing that spending $5 for a cup of coffee...well, that $5 could go towards something much more meaningful, like our savings account...)

All in all, I understand why I've chosen to do what we've done.  We've a goal in mind, and we are determined to reach it one way or another.

I guess, in a way, this dream was a way to allow me to say goodbye to one life, and hello to another.  Not that I'm getting rid of relationships, by any means. But instead, gaining a new life, renewed friendships, and a heart that is ever changing, ever growing, always being molded.  My heart still wants to maintain friendships and relationships, but also asking Him how I can do it, when I'm so far away that I actually tell people I live out of town! :0)

Hmm...I smell an amazing wind blowing again.  And I rest in the arms of my Savior, my Lover, my Comforter, my King, my Abba.

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You, Jesus.  I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, Jesus."

Getting back up....again...2/21/14

Sometimes, life takes you on a crazy journey.

And then tosses you out of the car.

That's kind of how I've been feeling lately.  A little lost, a little crazy and way too busy.

So, let's play catch up on where I'm at right now:

Work
After having 4 staff leave in January, leaving me 2 staff, plus myself, to work w/ around 100 kiddos...let's just say the stress of that time left me in tears almost every night.  My poor hubby...God bless him for learning to deal w/ the stress and love me that much more.  It meant late nights at work, and early mornings too.  It meant lots of chocolate, coffee and goodies for my staff because we were just trying to hang on, with no help on the way.

Now, almost 2 1/3 months later, we can honestly say we have survived it.  And I'm only down 1 staff now, instead of 4.  And I, overall, love each of them for their unique ways.  (One of them has a shoe collection...yes...we tease HIM a lot...lol...him and his Nike's...)  They've had to put up with a lot, but learn that much more quickly.  They've had to deal w/ so much, and I am thankful for each of them, and how they've ALL been willing to help take the load off of me when I finally opened up to just how stressed I was, and what it had been doing to me internally.

Health
Not so good, to be honest.  It's been...a very long ride.  Due to some complications w/ the meds I was first put on, and their side effects, we've had to once again get off the meds and try to control the issues homeopathically.  This has led to a lot of research, study, etc.  And frantically trying to find items the cheapest yet best possible (it's expensive!!!).  My weight has ballooned, and I am now heavier than when I first started this journey.  And it's been frustrating...  It doesn't help that I've pretty much been swollen for over a week now, and can't seem to get the swelling to leave...thus, the FB post on anti-inflammatory herbs and such.  Once again trying to find a homeopathic remedy that will fit and work with my body.

Yesterday, there was a meltdown on the way to drop Eric off to work.  I...couldn't deal w/ everything going on anymore.  I was just so frustrated, so broken, and so heartsick at feeling like everything was crashing down and all of the hard work was seemingly for nothing.

So, we had a heart talk last night, and came up with a game plan that involves the both of us.  I'm going back to the Daniel Fast/mostly vegetarian way I ate.  Partly for spiritual reasons, but also because my body does so much better on a vegetarian lifestyle than it does w/ the meats I've been incorporating due to the much-needed protein I was told I needed.  (Unfortunately, this is why I think the swollen hasn't gone down, and has only gotten worse...)  I'm excited, though I know my body is going to go under a serious detox that is going to leave me cranky and feeling like crap for awhile.  But I know in the long-run that it's what's needed to hopefully realign my body into where I need it to be.  Especially as I need to schedule another blood lab work to be done...which will determine if I need to be placed on insulin...

Eric and I also came up with a workout that we can do together at home.  Neither of us have money for a gym right now, and the idea of walking in the dark, in places I don't really know, makes both of us feel quite uncomfortable with that idea.  So, home workouts it is until God provides another way.  I'm praying for some weights right now, since we don't have any.  : D

Spiritual

BSF...lots of homework...so little time sometimes! lol  But it's been good, and I've been learning a lot.  That's probably all I'll say right now.

Anywho...this is a bit where I am right now.  On the journey, refusing to give up, even though everything in me is crying to throw in the towel.

I can't.  I won't.  He has shown me that I'm stronger than even what I think I am.  So, it's time to lean on His strength, His wisdom, and get through this, one footstep at a time.

Until next time...

This crazy journey called....BACK TO HEALTH

So I've been doing a lot of research lately on my last week of vacation.  Some of you may be thinking, why is she posting so much stuff?!  And usually all related to cooking, baking, making my own things, etc.

Well, if I haven't shared much of the medical journey recently...

Mainly, that the Doc was seriously concerned about my health.  And that if things were continuing the way they were, I wasn't looking at a very long life at all.  But most concerned for the Doc, as well as Eric and I, was the fact that no one has been able to figure out the mass reactions I have to things...from allergy tests to blood tests, it has seemed that my body is thrown off kilter and literally sick.  From the migraines, to the rapid weight gain (it is documented that within one month, I gained 25 pounds, WITH proper diet and exercise, by the way).  Also, extreme swelling of my limbs, joints, sudden severe and intense back pains. Constant vertigo, dizziness, nausea within 30 minutes of eating.  And the worst of it all...a blood sugar that even the doctors were...well...shocked...especially given the family history of diabetes and other things.  (The Doc pulled a med student or two in because of the unusualness of what was going on.)

With all of that being said, the Doc couldn't figure out why.  And every medication thrown at me, just made me, well, sicker.

So, after a lot of prayer with Eric, and a lot of quiet time, we decided one thing: that we would listen to Him for my eating habits, diet, etc.  And that the research would begin.  The one thing we both knew: neither one of us wanted me to die much earlier than anticipated, which, given the prognosis, would have been within 5 years.  (Imagine our shell-shock when we got this news...)  My amazing husband decided that whatever I cooked and ate, or didn't eat, he would follow.

And he's been true to his word.  And we are seeing the results.  (His pants are getting smaller and smaller each month!  As for me, we have been able to, FINALLY, stop the weight gain.  It's been a bit more stable, though still off by far on what I need to be for a more healthier me.)

It's also why I am so passionate about beginning to grow, and make, my own things.  Because I know what's in them.  After fasting for a period of time from certain foods, and then reintroducing them (sometimes by sheer accident), we finally began to figure out what exactly is triggering the majority of symptoms in my body.  And it all stems on the foods I've been eating.

Which started the research and documentary journey I've been on.  I have another doctor's appointment to be scheduled this coming week...and we have no idea what the doc is going to say...it's another blood lab work, so...I'm hoping that it's going to show a difference, especially since I tossed the medication away over a month ago because it was causing my blood pressure to go up to 170/99.  Yes, you read that right.  All within 2 WEEKS.

So, if you start seeing a lot of research being posted on my FB feed, organic recipes, DIY things, you know why now.  Eric and I are refusing to give up, and are continuing to battle this thing.  I've slowly become passionate about what I've put in my body, and am learning to be just a little more aware of things.

No, Eric and I haven't given up some stuff.  We still have the occasional bout of going out to eat, or my "cravings", but I'm slowly learning that in order to feel good, and to beat what's going on inside my body...it's going to take some pretty drastic measures.

So, let the search for farm fresh produce begin.  And a good juicer... :)

Let the typing begin.....6-24-13

I know.  I should be in bed by now.  (On a random note, the time is 11:11.  The number 11 stands for deliverance & judgment.  Numbers together means double portion.)  I've seen those numbers a lot.  Like, a lot a lot lately.

Anywho...

I was thinking tonight.  Dangerous thing that.  As much as I can laugh things off, it's in the quiet places where my mind begins to piece different things together.  When I can finally sit in the quiet, in the secret, and really think.  It's also when MC asks me those open-ended questions that I have no choice but to answer, and not shy away from or hide.  You know the ones.  The ones that make you cringe because you know you have to really sit and examine not only your heart, but your emotions as well.

Tonight's been one of those nights.  And it actually started before talking with her.  Before talking with EF.  Just...before.  At 4:26am to be exact.  No, even further than that.  At 3:00am when I woke up "randomly".  *snorts*  There's no random in my life anymore.  Everything happens for a purpose.

Anywho...

Just...thinking...  On a lot of things.  A lot has been on my heart and my mind, and I'm realizing just how hard it is for me to share them.  Some of them I'm willing to, but others, others....others stay real close to my heart.  Not to be let out except for in the quiet of the night.  And mostly because I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining this.  I wouldn't know how to explain it.  Words...aren't necessarily my forte when it comes to my emotions.  It's easier for me to show you than it is for me to say it.

Thoughts like:
1. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew, and was better at it.  Because I feel like a complete failure when it comes to this.

2. Running scared.  When things hit me, they hit me hard.  And all I want to do sometimes is pack my things, throw my hands in the air, and run.  I just...there's been so many emotions lately, that sometimes, all I can do is shout out, JESUS!!, in the hopes that I don't become snowballed under everything.  No one's fault but my own when I don't verbalize what I'm needing/feeling, and I should. *sigh*  See #1.

3. I desperately long for a hug.  Just one, giant, massive, big hug.  Why?  Because I can feel all of my insecurities beginning to pour out.  And it's not pretty.  It's messy, this life.  It's messy, doing life period.  And for most of my day, all I really want is someone to say, "I've got this."  Instead of me having to constantly fight the battle of perfectionism that I tend to veer towards when in unknown situations.  I miss those days when PT would look at me, and immediately knew if I needed a hug.  The arms would open wide, and I'd actually walk quite rapidly into them.  Strange for me, I know.  (Hey, physical touch boundaries...)  And remember always feeling safe, that no matter, even if that person knew every bad thing about me, I'd always be welcome in their arms.  Or being able to walk up at random moments, and say, "I need a hug," and arms would come around me.  I...miss that, frankly.  I miss being able to do that.  Which is, again, weird for me.  I can see just how far He has taken me when it comes in this area.  I never thought I'd ever say I miss physical touch when it comes to hugs.  But I've had an excellent spiritual family who's done nothing but love on me through hugs, so I guess it makes sense. :)

Even with all of that, I know one thing.

The goodness of God still amazes me.

Always has.
Always will.

So, I'll go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that no matter what, my perfect peace and safe harbor is in Jesus Christ, my rock and my redeemer.  My strength and fortress in times of need.

And I remember...

I'll not only be okay.
I'll come out shining in the end.

And on my lips at the end of nights like this, all I can say is, Thank You, Jesus.  Thank You that YOU are my all in all.  I rely on You and You alone.

And then I say, "More Lord.  More."

5 month progress....3-17 to 4-17 2013

Otherwise known as...the discouragement stage.

I know, I know.  Even the trainer says I'm too hard on myself.  But man.  This. month. SUCKED.

So many medical things happening.  Not being able to workout for  3 WEEKS.  Yes.  THREE WEEKS.  That was so hard.

And then trying to get back into it, after so long.  And to top it off, that's when the crazy busyness started at both jobs.  And school.  Did I forget to mention I now have to play catch-up with school work?!  Which means I don't really sleep right now.  Because I'm 3 weeks behind schedule on everything.  Well, make that 2 weeks behind schedule.  Maybe.

And I'm tired.  And some stupid man made a horribly rude comment to me this past weekend, which discouraged me even more.

So, I'm trying to find that place again.  And also trying to find my ankles under all the swelling...

Yeah.  Month 5 has been the roughest month yet.  I lost less than an inch in a month, and I gained 1.8 lbs this month.  So yeah.  I'm not happy.  And all I want to do is quit.  And complain.  And throw things.  And hide in my bed.  And actually sleep...

I want to quit, give up, throw my hands in the air, and just say screw it all!!!!!  I'M DONE WITH THIS CRAP!!

But I'm trying not to.  Trying to take one day at a time.  Heck, more like taking 15 minutes at a time.  No, if I'm truthful to myself, it's having to take one minute at a time.  Because I'm not doing well mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically.  So, if you're a prayer warrior, prayers are so much appreciated right now.  Even as the tears fall, I know that I'm at the pivotal moment that can change my course.  And I'm trying to stay on course so badly. *sigh*

So, I'll try and look at some of the positives.  Notice the word try.

NSVs:

1. This past week, I ran 0.86 miles on the treadmill.  The farthest I've run on the treadmill!  And that was at a 5.0 pace.  I feel like I'll eventually get to my mile...hopefully by August.  That'd be nice.  But again...swollen ankles due to how much standing on my feet I've done...

2. This morning, I put on a pair of pants that didn't fit me last time I tried them.  Last month, I couldn't fully pull them up past my thighs.  Today, not only were they up all the way, I could get them zipped.  And buttoned.  Though I still have a muffin top in them.  But not enough to stop me from wearing them.  Only because all my other pants were dirty....due to work situations...

3.  I'm slowly finding new recipes that I've been enjoying eating.  As well as introducing more fruits into my eating habits.  YAAAAY.  I still don't like fruit, though...

4.  Though I haven't given up my chocolate, I'm finding that I don't really crave it all that much anymore.  I instead crave matzo w/ peanut butter and honey, or matzo w/ pb alternative....made from cookies...that is addicting...and yummy...and only 86 calories... :)

5.  I haven't given up.  Despite the intense desire to quit, I haven't given up.

6.  I can now wear a Large in shirts from Old Navy.  NOT an XXL.  :)  This.  This made me happy!!!

7.  When I did my run/walk intervals at the park, I went 2.12 miles in 36 minutes.  I've never gone that far before!!  Or that fast, that far! :)

8.  I signed up for the Biggest Loser Obstacle Course Challenge.  And whether anyone else goes w/ me or not, I'm going.  I don't care if it's by myself.  Some days, I kind of hope it is.  Why?  So I can prove to myself just how far I've come.  I need this motivation so badly right now.

9.  I no longer keep sweets in the house.  As a matter of fact, I've stopped buying them, period.  So my chocolate stash stays at work.  And I now log EVERY PIECE OF CHOCOLATE that enters my mouth.

10.  I've stopped shopping in the inner aisles of the grocery store for most of my things.  I now try and stick to the outside aisles unless absolutely necessary.  It's taken me almost a year to get to this point!  AND I stuck to my budget!! :)

With all of that being said, that does make me feel a bit better to see and read all of that.

No pictures this month.  I took them, but I really don't want to post them this time.  They're just sad...so maybe next month.

Peace out.

Try, try, try...12-2-12

"You gotta get up and try try try"

This one phrase in the song has been resonating in me since I first heard it.  It seems that every time I want to give up and quit, this song pops on! haha  If nothing else, I love the encouragement of that phrase.

It's been 2 weeks now...(from 11-17-12, Day 1 on MFP)
4 lbs down
-3.12 inches off overall

And I've been fighting this bitter battle.  Constantly going, "okay, just get up, move, keep going, don't quit, don't stop."  I even had to text the bestie to force myself to get out of the car at the parking lot of the gym, to get up and actually go into the gym.  It's a bitter battle, but I'm determined to be the victor in this one.

I'm tired of feeling icky, feeling like "the dreaded fat girl", and having to battle so much of my image issues because of things I've allowed.

Well, here's to the good fight of faith!

Keep moving.
Keep working.
Hard work.
Determination.
Refusal to quit.
Even when I'm tired.
When I'm down.
When I can't see the goal in sight.

I gotta get up and try, try, try.

To the victor go the spoils...the spoils being no more fat, a healthy me, and a me I can't wait to sure the world. :)

What Prayer Is & What Prayer Isn't

                 What Prayer Is                                                                 What Prayer Isn't
Entering into a conversation w/ God                                  Viewing God as a grantor of our wishes
Seeking God's direction with choices                                 Asking God for a stamp of approval on decisions
Humbling ourselves before Almighty God                          Demanding our rights



This was on page 17 of my reading today.  I picked up the new book I had ordered, thinking, well, I need something to read while I wait for my clothes to get out of the washer, so why not this one?

And when I got onto page 17, there at the top was this lovely list.  Now, mind you, I'm pretty sure we've all heard these before.  This little comparison table...but one of them caught my eye in particular. "Asking God for a stamp of approval on decisions."

When I read that, my heart just went, eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk I'VE BEEN FOUND OUT! 

Lately, it hasn't been about seeking.  It's been about me telling the Lord this is what's going to happen, and this is the way it's going to be, and You're gonna bless it.  (See the pride there?!)  Never taking into His account that He wants an input.

And I've been seeing that attitude a lot in myself as things have come up with work, school, decision making...  Always into the plans, the back-up plans, etc.

It's come to the point where I've resorted to some old habits, bad habits, that come right in line w/ what prayer ISN'T.  And my heart needed to hear that this morning.

Especially as I sit and pray over my staff and kiddos today, praying over their day, praying for strength and grace over my staff, praying for a smooth transition for the parents and myself, and praying over my campus. I needed my eyes and my heart to be re-focused on why I was placed there to begin with.  And to not allow others expectations to dictate my actions and attitudes.

So, as I sit here and type out the mile-long to do list (especially since I'm now having to play catch up), I'm having to remind myself and my spirit to not only just breathe, but praying for His breathe to enter in as I begin to seek Him for some answers on just what I want this year to look like.  Writing down the visions, the expectations, the goals...and taking those before Him and asking Him how those look like, and how they can be accomplished.

I have big dreams this year.  Bigger than the ones I've ever had working in this program.  And I believe that they are God-given.

Now I just need to learn to surrender my plans versus HIS plans.  Never easy, but I'm willing to try.

Keep your eyes open

Today, well, the past few days, I've felt this need to write.  And write some more.

To write what was on my heart.  To let go of some things.  To just...unburden myself.  And allow all of the emotions to flow.  That's one of the things I was told I was good at...writing down my emotions.  I can't always express them, but when I write, everything just seems to flow from pen to paper.

Today was no different.  As I sat at my desk, getting ready for the holiday festivities, I finally picked up my stationary set and pen and just let everything flow.

Doubts.  Fears.  Anger.  Tears.  And longing.  So much longing.

And as I sat and wrote, this song kept playing in my head:

And over and over, the whisper of His voice as I wrote...to not give up, to keep on going.  To keep my eyes open.  To not let go.  To not lose hope.  Even amidst my frustration and angst.  "'cause if you never leave home never let go you'll never make it to the great unknown...so show me your fire, show me your heart, you know I'll never let you fall apart, if you keep your eyes open, my love"

And I just burst into tears.  This past week just hit me.  The ending of something.  Well, more than one thing. And how so many changes have come up.  And that yeah, right now, my heart feels a bit broken and shattered at the realization that I need to let go of some things.

But I'm also reminded to not give up hope, even when that's all I want to do in my flesh.  To keep holding on.  To keep my eyes open.

But also to keep walking in Him.  In His light.  His voice.  His love.  "So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love"

 All of that to say...

If you're at the point where you're so frustrated, and you want to give in....

When all you see is the darkness around you....

When you've lost hope in the promises given, or the words spoken...

Keep your eyes open.

Keep them focused on Him.

Don't look away.

Don't give up.

Crawl if you must.

Dig into the ground and elbow your way through the muck.

But keep your eyes open.

The mountain may seem large, but I promise, it's not.

It may seem unsurmountable, unattainable...

But it's not.

Because I serve a God who makes all things possible.

Paves a way where there is none.

Opens the floodgates of hope when we choose to keep our eyes on Him.

Not on our circumstances.

Not on our status quo.

Not on our relationship(s), or lack of them.

But when we are so focused on Him,

His eyes,

His heart,

His face,

His voice.

When we are so focused on Him,

That's all we say.

So, today, I'm letting that be my anthem, my theme, for this season, as I allow my heart to feel emotions, to break, to cry, to tear, to anger, and to doubt.  I'm remembering that through it all, my eyes will still remain focused on Him.

And that brings me a comfort, a peace, a joy....that I can't even begin to describe.

Because I know that, ultimately, this leads to another chain broken, another thing being set free.  Another petal in my flower to be allowed to bloom.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

And all that is within me, praise and bless His holy name.

What I learned from making pancakes

It cracks me up that I always tended to learn the best lessons while salivating concocting chewing cooking up yummy delicious food. :)  This morning was no exception.

I woke up refreshed, with plenty of sleep under my belt (almost a total of 20 hours from Friday night and last night).  Woke up with a song in my head: "Isn't She Lovely", by Stevie Wonder.  And this is the part that was playing nonstopirritatinglyrepeatedly over and over :

Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
But isn't she lovely made from love


Anywho...I've been singing that all morning.  So now I have the Stevie Wonder playlist playing on my Spotify account...and I digress from the story.


Okay...back at it now...


Not only did I wake up w/ that song in my head, but I woke up happy and content, and in a mood to bake.  Now, when I get in this mood, you might want to watch out.  The kitchen becomes a disaster area work zone, and the house smells like the witch's house in Hansel and Gretel really yummy.  So, went on pinterest and became anal about organization a much better organizer and organized my Favorite Recipes board.  Into various catergories...desserts, main dishes, crock pot, etc.  You get the gist.


Anywho, found this awesome recipe for Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookie pancakes...made w/ no sugar. :)  So, the bake cook was on! haha


Got my handy dandy apron, and began to cook.  And all of a sudden (happens like that a lot lately), I could hear Him begin to talk to me...about pancakes...and dough...


Making the pancakes, and looking at the batter and how, well, weird it looked.  All these clumps and lumps and just...well, ugly.  I mean, it tasted good.  But for a moment, I was wondering how in the world will that weird-clumpy-looking batter is supposed to turn out like the picture on Pinterest?!


Which He then reminded me about some things:


1. I'm made of lumps and clumps and things that aren't very "pretty".  We all are.  But it's those very things that make us unique.  Makes our story unique in and of itself.  Those things we have to deal with, that help us understand just what our calling is, how He's placed us in the body.  For example, one of those lumps was my addiction to pornography and romance novels.  Now, I know I am free and called to help others to that same freedom.


2.  The heat makes what looked ugly into something beautiful and delicious.  Without the heat, the pressure, the bubbles, the storm of sizzling butter in the pan, those lumps and clumps wouldn't be turned into something yummy, nutritious and really good to eat.  Without the heat and pressure, without that refining fire, we aren't able to turn into something that's infinitely more precious BECAUSE of the lumps, what was inside that batter.  The batter is what makes the food unique in and of itself.  You changed one ingredient in the batter, and you've created a whole 'nother recipe.  Same with us.  If you changed one part of your story, the outcome would/could/possibly be different.


3.  It's when I'm in the kitchen, baking and cooking for the fun of it, that I'm most happy, content and thriving.  It's when I'm in that place that everything in my head gets quiet, my hands are busy, and my heart is ready to listen.  I always thought it was during worship...and to some degree it is...but this season, I think because my hands have been busy doing things, that He's been taking time out of something I love, and "making" me listen.  I knew baking was a passion of mine, I just don't think I realized just exactly why it was.  :)


And then He put it all together...


How I'm like that batter...and how I see myself...and the way I NEED to see myself and this journey.  There's so much that makes me who I am, so much that I'm STILL trying to figure out, as I flounder at things, excel at others, and generally learn what most people have learned in their teen years...  And most often than not, I feel like that ugly batter, like nothing beautiful could ever come out of it.  And that there are so many lumps and bumps and clumps and hodge-podge messes that for the life of me I can't figure out how He'll make it into the picture He's showing/shown myself and others.  But then He reminds me that, despite what I think, I'll eventually get there.  It just may take a lot more fire than I realized.  A lot more baking/cooking/marinating.  And that I need to be patient.  To not demand so much in so quick a time.  (Seems like patience has been my downfall lately...or lack thereof.)  And that I'll EVENTUALLY get where I need to be, and that it's okay to take it slow.  That He knows exactly what He's doing, and that He's a gentleman while doing it.


And not only that, but it's okay when a few more GOOD bumps come along...like chocolate chips in the batter, the added sweetness of life's amazing moments (such as holding hands for the first time in my life with a man) adds character, moments and memories that are good. :)


Then He took me back to remembering some things regarding DN, that these past 2 1/2 months have been good, despite the heartbreak that went with ending a potential relationship (knowing that he was not the one for me, after much prayer and counsel and wisdom).  And He reminded me of the things learned, the confidence built and the fact that I faced my fear of men, and survived.


And as tears begin to form and leak, the realization that, despite my moments of wanting to bang my head against the wall, He's forming something beautiful and yummy, something fragrant and delicious...something that, in the end, will bloom and turn into that butterfly, that flower, those amazing chocolate chip oatmeal cookie pancakes, that is sweet, beautiful and lovely.  It just takes more time, more marinating and a bit more heat. :)


All in all, I think a lovely lesson to learn this morning as I sit and bask in His presence...and dance to "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes. :)

My ugly

Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:

http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people

After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home.  All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.

Lemme give you a few examples:

1. The comparison game.  All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody.  If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you.  (which will lead to example 2 in a minute)  Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women.  What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not.  Insane, I know.  And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.

2. Pride.  Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have.  Well, I'm not denying it.  As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there.  That damn sneaky little thing.

3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist).  Yeah, I said it.  What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life?  But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?

All of this to say, I'm struggling.  With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning.  Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable.  At times.

And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus.  I'm so so sorry."  Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.  Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry.  I'm sorry that I've drifted away.  I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience.  I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out.  But today, this morning, I took it out.  And saw it clearly.  And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere.  (disgusting, I know, but get over it)

I allowed things that I never should have.  And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him.  So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go.  Because if I don't, I'll drown under them.  And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me.  So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope.  My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored.  That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.

No, this journey isn't over yet.  And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today.  But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all.  And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing.  Because He loves me.  And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.

Whew...

"Perfect love casts out all fear"  And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.

So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning.  Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination.  And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."


And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.

I choose freedom

I didn't give in.  I didn't do what my first instinct was...which was to pick something up and allow it to wash the pain away into nothingness.  I didn't give in.

I needed to start with that first.

Tonight, I felt like, for the 1st time, someone was trying to push the boundaries, & wouldn't accept no for an answer.  Even though I kept saying no, I feel uncomfortable with sharing that.

And it felt like I was a victim all over again.

A slap to my face.  As if this was some tabletop conversation that happens everyday.

And not my life.  What was done.

And I got angry.  So so angry.  And I did what I do...I fought back.  With words.  And then I completely shutdown.

And then I curled into a ball and just sobbed my heart out on my bed.

And it showed me how this area of my heart still needs healing.

And for the first time in a really long time, I tried really hard not to vomit up dinner as the memories and flashbacks came.  As pictures and images of what was done kept running through my brain, all I could do was cry out, "JESUS!" as I wrapped my arms around Roger the bear and weeped my heart out.

Which tells me that this journey of sharing my testimony...is an on-going process.  He's showing me these wounds for a reason.  But He's also allowing me to be real and honest not just with Him, but with myself.  And with others.

Even as tears roll down my face, I know that it's time to face this part of my journey.  To not allow the fear to creep in.  And to remember that I'm no longer the victim, that little girl.  And that what was done no longer has the power to control me anymore.  I laid it at the foot of the cross.

And even as I type, all my thoughts in a jumble, I feel my spirit begin to calm down.  Knowing that He is my strength and my refuge.  My very present help in time of need.  That HE is my Beloved One, who will not harm me or hurt me.

And I have to remember to trust Him in where He's leading me, even if I don't know where it ends up or where exactly I am going.

So, thanks, Jesus.  For showing me this part of a bruised heart that I didn't realize was still there.  And for showing me that I don't have to fear...and I don't have to accept being a victim any longer.

I choose freedom.

The most awful day...and what I learned from it :)

Today has probably been the worst day of meltdown I've ever had.

Today has been the most stressful, hectic, awfullest day ever.

Today has been...

...unexpectedly filled w/ some serious blessings.  Despite everything.  Despite the drama, the craziness, the insaneness.

I sat here after work, and just began to veg out, praying, trying to find up from down, left from right.  And just more and more praying.  Put on some dance music, and then just prayed some more.  Yeah, lots of praying, I know.

And then I just started letting everything out to Him.  About the day, the situation, the issues, the wanting to just scream w/ frustration at how things are going down right now, at lost things...

And then, as I sat here, I got an unexpected message.  From a guy.  One that I'm slowly getting to know better as we talk here and there.  And I must admit...it made my day.  Not because it was anything unique, but because it was just really nice to hold a conversation and just let the joy begin to bubble out as I talked about likes, hobbies, Jesus, you know. :) lol  And then a friend just praying over me as I poured everything out.  Even some tears.  And lots of frustrations.

I have come to the realization that once I talk, and let things out, everything in my world begins to right itself.  Or more like, my perspective and truths begin to align once again w/ the Word.  But it takes me talking it out, and realizing, wait a minute, this doesn't align w/ the Word, to begin to understand just what needs to be done.

And sometimes, it takes prompting from someone who won't let me hide.  Which is what I was kinda doing once I got home.  I stayed in my room and just...vegged...and read.  And talked.  And danced.  And prayed.  (Sorry for not answering the phone, MC.  Kinda put the phone on ignore for a bit while I sat and vegged out.)

All that to say, though the situation(s) aren't resolved...I'm at a nice, peaceful state.  Knowing that the truth will come out and stand strong in these situations.

So, thanks friends.  And Jesus.  Who knew a little country and dance music, plus a lot of praying, would make me understand how I handle seriously intense emotions?! haha :)  And that I wasn't made to hide things in the dark, especially my emotions.  Not built that way.  And that I learn a lot about myself, about people, and about Jesus when I stop, take a moment to reflect on things, talk it out, then have the "ah-ha" moment where I'm like, "Jesus, You got this.  Why am I so stressed/frustrated/concerned/worried/anxious?  Who better to deal w/ all of this than You??"

And then the joy gets restored.  And all is right with the world again.  'Cause joy and Jesus are in the same sentence in my heart and head after that. :) haha

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex

Contemplations

You know, sometimes I really hate late nights.  Like tonight.  When I have too much time to think.  And then I think about my day, the things I've done, the actions I did or did not take.  And then I start to over think.  I know, I know.

Like this morning, for instance.  When I weighed-in on the scale.  And then I immediately wanted to hurl the scale, or maybe just myself, off in a fit of temper.  Because the number was seriously high.  And I know numbers don't matter, especially when clothes are fitting loose.  But lemme tell you...I'm a numbers girl...and I like numbers.  So, to me, numbers DO MATTER.  Why?  Because it's something I can see visibly.  Which stinks...because then I get hung up on these numbers...and, well, now you know what a semi-conversation looks like inside my head in this paragraph here.

All that to say...

I had to breathe. And NOT let the numbers get me down.  Because I know I've been working out.  For the most part, I've been REALLY good on my meals/eating habits/lifestyle changes.  And that all this interval training has made me get some serious muscles on my body (yaaaaaaaaaay).

But I have received that I need to just bury the scale somewhere in the boonies in hopes that it never find me anytime soon.

Because numbers and visuals do a whack-job to my brain.  And start getting me in a tizzy.

So today, I had to learn to lean on Him for my identity.  To choose to not listen to the lies inside my head saying all kinds of crappy things.  Was it easy?  No.  Am I still battling?  Yes.

But PTL His mercies are new EVERY morning.  And so are my choices. :)

So, all that to say....

If you're in a strangle, struggling place...it's okay.  Keep going.  Keep holding on.  Don't quit.  Don't give up.  You'll get through it...push through....keep up the good work...even when it's not so good, keep going...because your new day is coming! :)

Short, sweet, to the point.  It's just something I needed to write out to get out of my head and on to the journal.

night, my small world. :)

!!! & YAAAAY & UGH! all in one! :)

First off I've gotta say, if you've been reading up on these, thanks everyone! :)  And if not, no worries.  I still love you. :)  I just may withhold my yummy oh-so-delicious chocolate chip cookies from you!  (Which, MG, I haven't forgotten that I owe you a batch!)

With all of that being said...

Today's title...kinda makes me sound a little off, right? haha  I think probably because that's what is going inside my head right now.  Lots of excitement, lots of dancing around, and then throw in some groans or 6 and you've got me all figured out this season!  I should probably just start listing, explaining, and going from there! :)

1. Contending for the word: healthy life & supernatural weight loss.  This right here has got to be the number one biggest battle in my life right now.  Not the addiction, not the past...but this right here.  Yes, I know it's tied to the past.  And tied to the thoughts in my head.  But it's been a constant battle to get up and believe this word.  Partly because it seems so easy to just give in and not do it...not workout, not eat healthy, not live a healthy life.  And honestly, some days I throw up my hands, say screw it all, and eat a 3 mini-scoops of vanilla ice cream w/ nutella, sugar waffle cones and M&Ms.  (Yes, that's what I did tonight.)  So many people tend to think it's easy, that all this enthusiasm comes naturally (did you hear me snort in laughter just now?!).  They couldn't be more wrong.  Though I'm learning how to enjoy it, it's still a battle.  A battle inside my head going, You know what happens when men think you're beautiful.  What if the abuse happens again?  What if you get noticed? What if all men see is the "skinny" you and that's all you attract?  What if...what if...what if...  I HATE HATE that game inside my head.  And every second is a battle to not give in to those lies.  To take every thought captive to the obedience and knowledge of Christ.  Because that's not what my Daddy Father says.  But a part of me is seriously freaked out on what, exactly, would happen WHEN I lose this weight...I've never been "skinny". EVER. EEEVVVEEEERRRR.  For as long as I can remember, I've always worn plus-size clothing.  And now, I'm slowly seeing the light where I can very soon stop shopping at Lane Bryant because all their clothes are too big...and inside my head, though I seem to present a nice, calm, happy exterior...inside my head I am slowly wigging out.  I am slowly, step by step, battling.  Battling for my life, my health...for the vision and the words spoken over me concerning health, wholeness and healing.  And I know so many people have so much input and ideas and yada yada yada...the one thing that I KNOW to do ...is listen to my Daddy on what HE wants me to do.  And to Debbie! lol  (can't forget Ms. Debbie!)  Some may be offended by this, see this as arrogant.  Not really.  I just need to listen to His voice...because when I hear His voice, that's when peace reigns inside my heart and my head.  I don't hear the lies when I hear His voice.  All I hear is the words, "Keep going, beautiful beloved!  You've got this!  Come on!  I'm giving you MY strength.  Here, take MY joy!  Shout it out...let out all the tears, frustrations and anger that got you here in the first place."  And, at points in time during my workouts recently, I've just done the workout, the exercise, weeping, in tears, screaming at myself to keep going, don't quit, don't stop.  Learning how to OVERCOME the lies of the enemy with the truth that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!  Is it easy?  No.  Not by any means.  And I still quake at the thought of what might happen when I hit where I want to be weight (number) wise.  (I couldn't do clothes size as I don't remember being smaller than an 18...yeah, I said that via cyber space.)  But I know that I have some amazing cheerleaders who love me, been with me through the lies, through the deliverance, and through the journey.  So, I'd like to give a shout out to a few people right here and now...and if I forgot you, I'm sorry...it's late! lol  Just hit me up and I'll add ya!

Shout out goes to: Mari--through the phone calls and texts, always pushing me to keep going, never quit, and listening as I sob on the phone.  Rose D--for making me want to be a bit more competitive...not intentionally...but because I know you're, like, super buff and I wanna be like you! :)  Rose B--for listening, for the hugs, and for the info on how to keep my body healthy naturally.  Without you, my life would be sad.  And I'd never have 4 amazing little boys to hug, cuddle and watch TV with if it wasn't for you and Nick!  Debbie G--oh, this woman!  oh oh this woman!  Kicks my butt, and then has me coming back for me I get so excited! lol  Who encourages me, and then tells me I can't go half-way in things...like moving isn't working out! lol  But who loves me enough in Christ that every time I see her I just want to hug her and thank her...because I know she doesn't realize just how much this means to me. Joe & Desiree H--who added me to their FB group, and got me to begin to challenge myself...but who also put me with the right connections to get onto this path of healthy living.  Ruby P & the ladies from Thursday morning glory group--you all have NO IDEA how much I love you all!  Every time I see you all I just wanna give hugs!! haha  Your encouragement, wisdom and prayers have gotten me through some tough and dark times this season, and for that, I thank you.  You all get to see the end results as He takes me through this journey.  And thanks for letting me share what He's been doing in me!
And for the others who have prayed, given words, or just plain blessed me--thank you thank you thank you!  You have no idea the encouragement you've given to me...even when I don't always want to hear it! lol

2. Freedom to be who I am in Him.  Oh, how this has been a very important key this season!  Learning whose I am, but also WHO I am...without excuses! :)  Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, yet changing where He's called me to change.  In essence, finally getting my identity from logos (head knowledge) to rhema (heart knowledge) and understanding just exactly what that means.  And not accepting anything less than that!  Also learning to accept myself...flaws and all.  And be content with who He has made me to be...and FINALLY believing all those things He says about me.  Even on bad days, days where it's stressful, or I want to rage at the world...I've seen a difference in my stance of identity...I no longer claim the bad stuff, but instead speak the Word over myself, and my situation.  Which leads to...

3. Growing Up.  It's taking many, many years for this to finally come to pass.  But I'm realizing that I'm beginning to bloom as a woman of God.  And am SO STINKIN' EXCITED about this!  After the many words about this, finally understanding what He meant when He said those things...just...wow.  I'm growing up.  I wish I could explain more about that, but honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin.  Which is probably why a friend and I had a 3 hour conversation! hahahahaha  Trying to share everything with him was way more difficult than I expected...because there was so much to share!  But I thank him for listening to me anyways! :)  And feeding me yummy food. :)

4. Moving.  Oh my gosh the trials that went with this.  Exhaustion, forgetting to pack half my crap due to exhaustion, frustration w/ myself, frustration w/ myself, more frustration w/ myself. lol  Not many people know where I moved to...I'd like to keep it that way.  I'm okay w/ this, actually.  I honestly like being off the grid for a season.  This has allowed me to get my ducks in a row personally.  From finances, to prayers, to learning how to live life...I've needed this for awhile.  And I have moved in with a wonderful lady who is willing to help me learn how to organize, keep house, and help me maintain a nice, cleanly environment.  More like, she's willing to take my hand and show me those steps!  Thanks, Ms. Patti! :)  You are an answer to a prayer I never knew I had prayed until recently.  This move...it's been...interesting.  I've purged over half of my things.  I took MG's car loaded up to the brim, then my car loaded up front seat, back seat AND trunk.  And I'm more than likely going to take another load when I begin to unpack.  Goodwill has gotten so much from me I think I single-handedly supplied their store for a week! lol  Including furniture!  But honestly, this has been a season of purging.  Out with the old woman, in with the new mind-skin.  The new me.  The me that is free, whole, healed and delivered.  The me that I always knew was inside, but I was so stinkin' scared to let out.  And honestly,  I love who He's making me to be.  I'm great! lol

And with all of that being said...I wish we could sit down face to face and I could tell you just exactly what's been on my heart lately.  But that would take way longer than this blog to do!  So, I'll leave you with a song that has been playing on the radio recently, and when I first heard it, I was like, YES! :)

I Challenge You...Will you answer it?

Tonight, I was messed up.  Torn up.  From the inside out. And my heart just cried out to Him.  It seems every time Core Values class happens at church, another chunk of the old mindset gets ripped out and replaced with a new mind-skin.  Which can get frustrating at times.

Tonight was most definitely one of those.  It was interesting, tonight.  When one of the words given was seeing a commissioning being released onto people's shoulders...and immediately, my heart began to cry out, "Jesus, what have you called me to do?  What have you commissioned for me to do?  I don't understand.  Everything's been changing so fast.  There's so much going on.  You've taken out the old, and are trying to replace new things, new mindsets, new identity."  And on and on.  Just...struggling for a bit.  A dear friend of mine hit the head on the nail...He took out all the crap, and now I'm having to relearn how to fill it up w/ the good stuff, the healthy stuff, the God stuff.  Which isn't easy.

So, tonight, as a couple at class came and asked how I liked tonight's teaching, I just broke down and cried.  And shared what my heart was crying out.  For help in this area.  For wanting to understand what He's done in me this past 2 years.  For trying to relearn/undo/renew things/mindsets.  So, they poured into me.  Gave me several words.  Which I don't mind sharing here (it has a purpose, I promise!):

• difference maker
• servant's heart
• mountain of Son-shine
• rest in Him--no anxiety
• bulldog tenacity
• big heart

There was a bit more, but honestly, I don't remember all of it.  That was the gist of it, though.

Which lead me to another question...one that I knew no one but my Abba Father could answer.  One that I've been asking secretly in my heart, but, as the word given to me on Saturday night (oh wait...just realized I probably didn't share that yet...so, here it is:

He sees your heart, and how you've been asking for things in your heart, without ever opening your mouth.  And He hears what you've been asking Him for.  He wants you to ask Him.  He delights in giving you what you ask Him for.

The gist of that being that it was time for me to open my mouth and begin to verbalize everything that's been jumbling in my heart for a very, very long time.  Things that I only shared in writing, or while exercising...things that I had never verbalized, but knew He had heard.)

Anywho, back to the story...the one question that I've been pondering over and over and over again...

Who do YOU say I am?

I know.  Most people would be, like, "Alex, you struggle with that?!"  Well, duh.  I'm human too! LOL  I'm not some super-spiritual person that has my act together.  I can be just as messed up and screwed up as everyone else.  But thank God for His amazing grace and mercy and love!!! :)  And for new mind-skins. :)

Okay, back again to the story...

So, tonight, came home, and knew that it was time to ask that question out loud.  To finally listen to what He had to say.  You see, for a very long time, I'd ask Him the question, and think I'd actually "get it", but not really.  It was still only head knowledge.  This time, I asked Him to make it heart knowledge too.  To REALLY show me, no holds barred, who I am.

41 minutes later, 200+ calories burned, I got my answer.  And yes, I'll share that with you too. :)

• overcomer
• forerunner
• precious
• jeweled
• healed
• delivered
• unburdened
• beautiful---beauty
• extravagant lover
• worshipper
• clean--in right standing with Me
• My heart
• joy
• unsatisfied--hungry for more of Me
• challenger of the status quo
• grace

And then, He ended by telling me this one sentence, "I am safe, beloved."

The one phrase I had been waiting to hear from Him.  I had kept that part of my heart hidden...never really telling anyone how much I struggled with seeing Him as "safe".  PTL the big brother DM has been helping me with that, more probably than he even realizes...

But I finally felt a snap in my heart, an untwisting of something that was knotted in it.  It was that little girl part of my heart asking Him, "Can I trust You?  Are You a safe place for me to go, and not be hurt?"  And I got my answer.

He's safe.  He's MY safe place.

Which leads me to my challenge.  You see, that 2nd list above there, well, that's who He says I am.  Not quite what I expected! hahaha  I thought I was going to get some nice, pat Bible answers.  But instead, of gave me words that are as unique that I am.  And then told me to find them in the scriptures. LOL  Only my Abba Father would send me on a treasure hunt like that. :)

Now, comes my challenge to all of you who read this.

I challenge you...

I triple dog dare you...

To ask Him the same question that I asked Him:

Who do YOU say I am??

And then wait for an answer.  And then, post your answer as a comment, reply, whatev.

Share it.  Because I promise, others will begin to confirm what He's telling you.  It's a wonderful part of your testimony.

So, beloveds...

I look forward to seeing just what He says to you.

And know, that even now, I'm praying for each one of you...to know who you are, and who He is in you.  To change your mind-skin to what HE has to say, not what anyone else says.  To begin to see through His eyes just how special and unique you are.  And to step out in faith and boldness, and become the man and woman He has called you to be.  And I pray that you have a new understanding that I love each one of you, am praying over you, and know that I struggle just like you do.  Which makes us family in the kingdom of God. :)

Looking forward to your testimonies!! :)

Alex