My greatest gift so far.....10/19/15

Well, it's been awhile.  A pretty long while.  It helps that we have a desktop once again, thanks to some pretty cool friends of ours. (Yay N & R!)

Life...life has been sweet.  It's been 2 years and roughly 2 months since Eric and I have been married.  Yesterday, we were able to renew our vows in front of everyone at church.  Something that Pastor Robin said really resonated with us...our journey has been long, rough and sometimes I've wanted to throw in the towel regarding healing and where God has been taking me.

When I first saw that our church was doing the vow renewals, I asked Eric about it.  I wanted to see if he was interested.  After we discussed it, he said go for it.  So, we did.

About a day after signing up this past week, God reminded me of a word that He had given me regarding my relationship with my then-future husband.  (I hadn't even met Eric yet when this word was given to me.)  My husband would help heal some of the wounds in my heart and in my life.  When I heard Him whisper that to me, I thought back to all of the things Eric and I have been through together.  The night terrors, the insomnia, those moments where I slap his hands away because I couldn't bear to be touched, never knowing if it was a dream or reality that someone was trying to harm me.  (This usually happens when he tries to shake me awake before the terror completely grabs ahold.)  The emotional turmoil that he has had to go through, as I worked on being healed from the inside out when it came to the abuse.

I think this man deserves a cape.  Because he's my hero.  He has loved me through so much.  Through tears, pain.  He's held me as I wake up screaming or sobbing.  He's kissed me awake knowing that, in my terror, I may not recognize him.  But he does it anyways, trying to get me out of the terror before it truly begins.  He's cried with me, walked with me, prayed over me, and stuck by my side.

Someone awhile ago told me that I had offended quite a number of people when I got married to this man.  (Mostly on the way I married him, as we eloped.)  I've lost quite a number of friendships, some due to offense, some naturally drifting away, and some because of the move.  It still saddens me, the lose.  But I can't nor don't regret it.  Eric has been the greatest gift that my Abba Father has given me.  He's used the arms of my husband to bring healing.  The words spoken in the dark, which I'm terrified of, to bring light.  He's used Eric's prayers to bring about a healing that has allowed me to quietly blossom and grow.

As the tears come into my eyes, I realize just how much I love this man.  How much and how glad that I am married to this wonderful gift.  My Abba Father has truly blessed me.  Eric has been well worth the wait.

And as I think back and reflect in my quiet time this morning, I can't help but smile my large smile.  From 2 years ago to now, I remember telling Eric that my heart's cry was to help people like me, to walk alongside young women who needed a shoulder and a mentor, to bring light into a place where few are willing to travel, to speak life into them and pull out what will later be such a marvelous, healing treasure.  And to know that we are slowly beginning to do this as a couple.  Eric, my strong, amazing Eric, has been willing to have our tiny little home be opened up to women searching for more...more Jesus, more knowledge, more life skills, and more friendship. 

It's been a great 2 years and roughly 2 months.  It's been a great season, despite its ups and downs.  It's been...blessed.  And I love seeing how Abba Father is slowly restoring things in different areas of my life.  I know things will never be perfect, nor am I expecting them to.  All I know is that I'm thankful that Eric brings a little bit of heaven to earth as we walk this life together.  I love you, my handsome man.

My soul sings.....3/17/14

I woke up at 2 am this morning with tears running down my face, my stomach clenched in pain, and the biggest pain in my heart.  "My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you."  This is on right now, knowing that within my heart is such a sharp, intense pain of sadness.

I woke up from a dream.  In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not.  Oh, how my heart grieved.  In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong.  He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person.  Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends.  And then I woke up.

Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now.  I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong.  My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that.  So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain.  I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.

He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished.  He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it.  The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer.  But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.

As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it.  He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis.  (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear.  I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at.  This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)

He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year.  How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families.  To show a God who does NOT judge.  To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments.  To be loved on, and love them in return.  He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education.  But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much.  Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do.  This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.

He reminded me of the ministry I have at home.  Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home.  He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day.  But also our garden, my garden.  Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list.  He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.

He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven.  ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)

As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity.  He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake.  The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams.  He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart.  But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.

So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships.  Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....

There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life

"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name.  The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name.  Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man.  You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name.  Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, Defender, You are my King."

My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him.  I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me.  But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him.  The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious.  Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh*  But I'm believing.  We're both believing.  And standing.  And praying.  And fighting.  And declaring healing over my body.

But I still sing praises.  I still sing my song of Love to Him.  I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior.  I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.

I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months.  Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together.  He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart.  My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.

"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power, 
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"

In all honestly, yes, I miss my friends so much.  I also understand just how hard it is to maintain those friendships over an hour away, one-way drive.  I also realize that Eric and I are choosing, instead, to put all our money into our debt, versus spending it on extra gas or dinners.  (I even stopped my very routine trips to Starbucks, knowing that spending $5 for a cup of coffee...well, that $5 could go towards something much more meaningful, like our savings account...)

All in all, I understand why I've chosen to do what we've done.  We've a goal in mind, and we are determined to reach it one way or another.

I guess, in a way, this dream was a way to allow me to say goodbye to one life, and hello to another.  Not that I'm getting rid of relationships, by any means. But instead, gaining a new life, renewed friendships, and a heart that is ever changing, ever growing, always being molded.  My heart still wants to maintain friendships and relationships, but also asking Him how I can do it, when I'm so far away that I actually tell people I live out of town! :0)

Hmm...I smell an amazing wind blowing again.  And I rest in the arms of my Savior, my Lover, my Comforter, my King, my Abba.

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You, Jesus.  I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, Jesus."

The Story of Us........11/10/13

A few people (cough cough...many people...cough cough) have been wanting to know the story of how my husband and I met.  How we got together.  The story of...uh...us.  (Notice the title, anyone?? :) )

So, I thought what better way to go about this than on the www.  lol  No, seriously.  It's easier to tell this story once, versus 30 times.  In a row.  To all different people.  Who all want to know.

Here is the story of us.  Which I'm kinda glad my hubby is off at church while I get ready for our photo shoot session.  It gives me some time to think, reflect, and miss the heck outta this man.  (Not to mention the unfairness of men only needing, like, 30 minutes to get ready and dressed.  I need a good solid two hours, plus more if I'm gonna do fingers and toes.  Like, seriously, who thought of these rules and standards for having to get this dolled up, and then making it to where it takes FOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR to do it?!?!....sorry.....end rant now....)

Okay, so, back to the story.

In March/April 2013, during my quiet time, I kept hearing the Lord tell me it was time to go back to the whole dating scene thing.  And not just any dating scene.  Back to....OMGAREYOUFORREAL?!...online dating.  To which I told Him, in all quite frank honest, "Hell no."  Just like that.  No joke.  (For those of you Christian people who would be shocked, I'm sorry.  Please get over your shockiness.  In my quiet time, it's no holds barred, flat out tell it like it is, whether it's joyful, fearful, happy or sad, the secret place is a place to get real.  And if I'm to treat Him like my best friend, well, let's be honest.  I've got a bit of the ghetto in me. *wink wink*)  I then not only told Him no, I told Him no several times.  I wasn't going to do it.  Not after the fiasco of...um...the man who shall be left nameless.  (Eric calls him the jerk.)

Here I am, in my room, and I hear Him tell me to try E-Harmony.  Again, in my head, I'm also thinking, ummm...noooo.....I just...can't....  And then, I ignore that prompting, and live life onwards and upwards.

Fast forward to May/June 2013.  I again hear the prompting of signing up for E-harmony.  To which, after hearing it a bit more, uh, insistently, I tell the Lord...  (yeah...I know...the audacity...  But I am sooooo thankful that He meets us not only where we are at, but isn't easily offended at my, um, bumbling way of approaching things at times.)

Okay, so, I tell the Lord that in order for me to sign up for E-Harmony, a few things needs to happen:

1. I need to be able to afford it financially.  (Which, at the time, I couldn't.)
2. Before I even subscribe, I wanted 3 men to send me icebreakers showing that there was at least SOME interest in me before I put myself out there to the world.
3. I wouldn't do it if the above 2 weren't completely met.

And then, He did the unthinkable....He whispered something in my ear that made my eyes go all big, my jaw drop, and my tummy get the butterflies.  He whispered that this, was, it.  To which my response was, "Um.  No.  It's not.  I'll believe it when it happens."  But in my heart, growing like a tiny little seedling, was that seed of faith that someone had planted so many years ago.  The Word that I had gotten when I was 18 years old.

Well, I then go to the website, and I do the whole profile thing.  And as I'm doing my profile, guess what pops up in a lovely, bright box but...."Get 3 months for the price of 1."  No. Freaking.  Joke.  To which my eyes got real big like, and then I whispered, out loud, in a panic, "BUT YOU HAVEN'T MET THE OTHER REQUIREMENT YET!!  THIS FAT LADY AIN'T SINGING YET!!!!!!!"  (Yeah, not even my hubby knew that one. lol  There are just some parts of my conversation I keep real quiet like about my quiet times. lol  Probably because I really do tend to talk to Him like I talk to my best friends.  Let's be honest, if I can't be real with my God, the One who created me, who can I really be real, honest and raw with?!)

So I wait.  And within 2-3 days, I LITERALLY get three icebreakers sent my way.  Yes, exactly, THREE.  No more.  No less.  So I start looking at their profiles (mind you, I still haven't subscribed, because, well, I'm stubborn.), seeing if I like what's heading my way.  I read the first one, and was, ehhhh....  I read the second one, and respond back.  Or at least try to.  But I can't.  Because I haven't signed up yet.  And then...(my hubby can tell you the exact date.)  I read the 3rd one.  And as I start reading through the profile, I let out a gasp.  My heart leaps and jumps.  And His still, small voice comes into play: "This is the one."

I read the profile a second time.  A third.  A fourth.  Mind you, I haven't seen a picture of this man AT ALL.  All I can judge him by is his words.  And I'm liking what I'm reading.  And my heart pounds.  And I go to PB and tell her about this guy.  And that....dare I say it....I'm signing up....for E-Harmony.  AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Once I sign-up, I respond back to this "Eric" person.

And he responds.  Sends me 3 multiple choice questions.  I respond.  He sends me his must haves/can't stands; I send mine.  Then, he does the unthinkable...sends me 3 questions that I ONLY HAVE 1000 CHARACTER LIMITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For this talker, this is...TORTURE.  I despise the system at this point.  And it takes me THREE HOURS to condense my response to 1000 characters or less.  Because, I am EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!  I'm desperately trying not to get my hopes up, but I keep hearing His voice directing, guiding, leading.

I follow on.

The next step, after all of this, is email communication within the system.  So it's still secure.  No harm done.  No personal info required.  yaay

Well, we communicate and email, back and forth, for several days, multiple hours in a day.  This man makes me laugh with his words.  Makes me guess, think, question, look through scripture.  And every day I feel myself falling a bit more.  And I've only seen a few pictures of him.  (Which, later on, realized that NONE of them did him justice, by the way.  Sorry, honey.)

And then...he does the unthinkable...   But only after I tell him that I'm meeting MC for coffee one night.  He tells me HE wants to have coffee with ME.  Say whaaattt?!?!  He doesn't know this, but I had a mini-heart attack right there on  the spot.  OMGHEWANTSTOMEETMENOOOOOOOOOOOO.  (Okay, so I realize that my self-image and self-confidence still needs quite a bit of work at times....)

My response: "I'd love to have coffee with you.  Just let me know when and where."  <---HA  Further proof I can pretend I'm cool, calm & collected. :)  man, I'm good!! lol

We make plans to meet at an IHOP near the two of us.  And in between the times, we are texting back and forth.  And he makes me laugh.  Makes me think.  And sends me scriptures.

We meet.  We laugh.  And we spend FIVE HOURS talking to each other on our "date".  We go from IHOP to HEB, and all the way we are talking.  And neither one of us wants to end it, but we have to, 'cause I have to be at work at the crack of freakin' dawn.

And...we're both comfortable.

So, we continue texting.  And the more we get to know each other, the more that we are slowly tuned towards each other.  (I hate the word falling in this aspect, but for lack of better terminology, this may be what you get for right now.)  We talk about our beliefs, our values, morals...everything.  Nothing is held back.

And a response of his that I still remember to this day, "Every objection I could possibly have, God has taken it in your life and showed His blessings and grace.  It just makes you more and more desirable for courtship."  OMG did my heart just go all googly-eyed on that one.  (I am such a girly sap! lol)

You see, he had NO IDEA what the Word was that was given to me when I was 18.  Some of you do.  I've told you.  I still have it written down.  "The first man to ask to court you will be your husband."  I've held on to that word for many, many years.  And had slowly started to give up on it.  Through tears, anger, rage, battles, and seasons of no romantic thoughts whatsoever; through being asked in the secret place if I was willing to give up any thought of marriage and remain single...this word was still there, just waiting, being planted, watered, growing, pruning....  What a faithful Abba Father I have.

And then fast forward, to one fateful evening, at REALLY LATE FOR THE BOTH OF US night.  I had an anxiety attack.  In the middle of my conversation, on the phone, with Eric.  Over some outside circumstances that were happening that didn't involve me one iotta.  And his response: you haven't eaten dinner; come over, meet at IHOP; let me buy you dinner; be safe.

I drive up to his apartment complex on my way to swing by and pick him up (hey...fair exchange for dinner and dealing with all the drama of me), and there is this knock on the window.  I roll my window down, and he presents me with a single red rose and the following words: "I wanted to get you something to make you smile through the bad."  And I desperately try to compose myself.  Even now, tears are in my eyes and I try to be, uh, somewhat normal....  (as my husband says, it's allergies...)

My smile is a mile wide.  This is the first time I've received flowers from a man.  I...wow....just....I can't stop smiling.

We drive to IHOP.  And he lets me talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And because we have a certain rule between the two of us, he laid out a notebook, Bible and pen between the two of us.  And we continue to talk.  And read scripture to each other.  And discuss scripture.  And I begin to tell him bits and pieces of my testimony.  Not everything.  Just...the important parts to help him understand why my reaction was so horrific to this outside circumstance.

(Now, for this next part, you have to understand our rule of having no cell phones out while we are with each other.  We only saw each other once a week, Sundays....so...we didn't want technology to interfere with our times together.)

Anywho...

He stops me, pulls out his phone, scrolls down and asks me to read something.

It was a text conversation between him and his best friend (well, one of them).  It went something like this:

EF:  Please pray.  Alex is driving down.  She's really upset about something, so I told her to come down, eat and talk it out.

RB: Okay.  Will do.  Praying for both of you.

EF: R____, I believe that I'm falling in love with this woman of God.  (that sentence is NOT paraphrased)  The more that we talk, God is showing me in every way just how amazing she is.  The more I get to know her, the more that I love her.  He keeps showing me His hand in this every step of the way.  Through all of my objections, I keep seeing and hearing that she is the one that He has for me.

As soon as I read that first sentence, my hand goes up to my mouth, and I gasp.  I start trembling.  And shaking.  And my eyes start filling up.  And I look at him, and just look.

He puts his phone away again very calmly I might add.  And then says:

"Alex, I am falling in love with you.  You are amazing.  And the more that I know you, the more that I am falling in love with you.  Will you give me permission to court you?"

To which I respond, with both hands to my mouth now, and nod repeatedly.  And not stop smiling.  He then goes, "So, is that a yes?"

I take my hands off my mouth and gasp out a pathetic yes. lol  And I still can't stop smiling.

(Even now, typing this out, my eyes are once again filled with tears.  And I can't stop smiling.  And my heart is pounding.  How I love this man so.)

I then go back home, and leave this message, written with sharpie, on a napkin, by the coffee machine where my roommate can read it, "He asked to court me tonight!"  (or some version of that)

And thus began our courtship.  In June.  About 2-3 weeks after we were matched on E-Harmony.

We knew where this was heading.  We acknowledged it.  We told our accountability partners.  And we continued to pray.  And he would text me, "Good morning, beautiful."  every morning.  And he would call me on the weekends with, "Good morning, beautiful".  And we chose to not kiss, or even hold hands.  But to not allow the physical stuff to get in the way of getting to know each other.  (Neither one of us wanted that temptation to be even more expounded and difficult.)

And then, July hit.

After discussing with the bro & sis, and after praying about it, I decided to ask for some days off and head up to NM w/ him to meet his two best friends getting married.  (to each other, in case anyone needs clarification on that one...)

Our first road trip together, after only knowing each other for maybe 3 weeks.  maybe a month.

Major discussion happened on that trip.  A lot of tears.  A lot of sharing.  But also, a lot of laughs.

And a lot of being spoiled by this man.  Who took me to the dinosaur museum.  And bought me a project to do w/ my kiddos.  And let me gasp and ohhh and ahhhh.  And didn't mind that I let all of my science nerdiness out in full force, in public.  And who actually joined in the nerdiness.

And we both realized....the beginning of the end....of our singleness season....

I loved his best friends.  And miss them terribly as they live far away.  But we knew that this courtship was heading into marriage.  We just didn't know the timeline of it all.  (By the way...during this trip was the first time that we held hands, if I remember correctly...)

So fast forward.  July 2013.  And just two months into our courtship, we finally decide to head to my church to check it out (my old church, that is...).  We're in the parking lot outside the apartments, and I start dusting off his shirt due to cat hair or some such, and I tell him to turn around.  And he says, hold on, as I'm trying to grab his shoulder to turn around...

And then he bends down on one knee, in a beautiful cool morning (okay, cool for Texas summers), with quiet all around, sunshine blazing, birds singing, and nobody at all around us), and asks, "Will you do me the honor of marrying me and becoming my wife?"

To which I respond, once again, with hands to mouth and nodding. LOL  I am HORRIBLE at spontaneous reactions. LOLOLOL

I say yes, he puts on the ring, and I hug this man til I can't hug no more.

The ring is beautiful.  And the only piece of jewelry that I wear, and miss, when it's not on my finger.

So, we begin planning for a December wedding.  The day after I get out of work, actually.  So that way I have Christmas break for our honeymoon, and I'm not having to worry about work, and he can take his vacation time, etc.

Anywho...

Fast forward.  Add some drama to my life.  And then a double dose of more drama.  Now a triple dose.

And we pray.  And seek counsel.  And pray some more, together.

I don't want to wait.  I'm ready.  I don't want to deal w/ the stress of planning this wedding.  (For stressed I most certainly am...just ask the three people who were helping me try to plan this wedding.  Many, many tears were involved, and it was only in the beginning stages.)  Not only that, but other things were going down in my life.  And I didn't want to wait.  I've waited so long for this man.  I've waited 12 years for this man.

And, I realize.  I'm ready.  I...really....am....ready.  I don't want the hype.  The pomp.  Or anything else.  I want...quiet.  And peace.  And....to have time to enjoy.

So we decide to quietly elope.  (What every woman thinks about, is what I've been told.)  And we have a dear friend of his witness and lead us into this new season together.  Eric, I and God.  What I wanted to begin with.  What I longed for with all of my heart.

And what most of you don't know, was that was two weeks before we did the courthouse proceedings.  So, I've technically been married twice. :) lol  FB only got to see those pics.  :)  And Eric and I now joke that I get more presents in the month of August: 2 anniversary dates, and my birthday. lol  I really do like presents...and I love giving those random ones too!

So, that's the story of us.

How we met.  Became in love.  And married.

With no regrets.  I love this man.  I...can no longer imagine life without this man by my side.  He supports me, strengthens me, encourages me, and holds me when I break down.  He is gentle, kind, strong, weak (his reliance on the Lord...just...amazes this stubborn me so much).  He is everything I have been praying for for so long.

And to think...

I almost gave in to the counterfeit.  I almost settled with something that was so very less than the best He had for me.

Now that you know the story of us, if you want to come celebrate with us, let me know.  We'd love to have you.  We'd love for you to be a very special part of our very unique family.

Why?

Because He has placed me in a new family now.  A family that I have longed for, prayed for.  (omg I'm seriously crying buckets right now)  He has taken what this orphan heart, and has filled it with so much joy, peace, happiness.  He has made me new.

And as I sit and type this, with tears pouring down my face, and sobs chocking out my mouth, I cannot convey just how truly blessed I am.  To have each and every one of my spiritual family to be a part of this.  To realize just how each of you have encouraged me, and continue to do so.  You all have been a part of this journey with me.  You have seen me, watched me, helped mold and shape me, helped to grow me up and strengthen me.  And I would never have been able to go on this journey of "us" if it wasn't for every single one of you.

And I am thankful and so very grateful to you.  My heart is overflowing.  For those near.  And for those far away.

Every. single. one. of. you. played a part in this.

I cannot stress this enough.

And to my new family.  The new ones that have taken me in as their own.

Paul.  Rachel.  Pops & Peg.

You all have no idea just how much you've filled the hole in my heart.  (and yes, I'm sobbing once again.)  A hole that so many didn't know was there.  Except for the few I allowed in.  How my heart has been crying out for family.  For...something that has been so hard to explain.

To see so many around me, and yet to feel so far apart.  To only realize now that I have a family who has taken me in.  And encouraged.  And...just....I so wish I could explain this better.  But just know that you all have no idea just how much you mean to me.

And for those of you all who are my extended spiritual family, my real family in my eyes, who have stuck with me through so much...the counselling, the anger and rages, the going out to parks and beating trees up with measly sticks....who have sat at park benches in nasty humidity and let me talk and pour out my heart, who called me every holiday, or texted me, knowing that I hated holidays...to those of you who have witnessed my deliverance, my kicking the cocoon and emerging into this gorgeous butterfly, or flower if you hate butterflies....to those of you who have given me words, encouraged me, spoke your mind, and called me out on my crap....to those of you who have NEVER given up on me when so many times I gave up on myself...

Thank you.

It's because of you all that I'm sitting here, typing as my husband is at church, sitting here getting ready for our photo shoot session for our pictures.

It's because of you, your prayers, your words.

It's because of you that I waited.  It's because of you that I didn't end my life during those very, very dark times when all I wanted was to commit suicide.  It was because of you that I held on to the promises that were given to me.  It was because of you that God showed me the meaning of what being in His family is.  It was because of each one of you that I never lost hope, when everything around me seemed so hopeless.  In the darkest of seasons, in the darkest of the storms, you never let me go; you held on; you hugged me; you let me cry on your shoulder; you cried with me, and mourned with me; you wiped the tears off my face and handed me tissues.

So.

Thank you.

I love you.

And I hope every single one of you will be able to come celebrate this thankful heart for all that you have done for me.

In Him,
Alex

My ugly

Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:

http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people

After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home.  All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.

Lemme give you a few examples:

1. The comparison game.  All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody.  If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you.  (which will lead to example 2 in a minute)  Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women.  What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not.  Insane, I know.  And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.

2. Pride.  Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have.  Well, I'm not denying it.  As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there.  That damn sneaky little thing.

3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist).  Yeah, I said it.  What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life?  But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?

All of this to say, I'm struggling.  With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning.  Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable.  At times.

And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus.  I'm so so sorry."  Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.  Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry.  I'm sorry that I've drifted away.  I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience.  I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out.  But today, this morning, I took it out.  And saw it clearly.  And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere.  (disgusting, I know, but get over it)

I allowed things that I never should have.  And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him.  So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go.  Because if I don't, I'll drown under them.  And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me.  So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope.  My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored.  That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.

No, this journey isn't over yet.  And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today.  But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all.  And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing.  Because He loves me.  And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.

Whew...

"Perfect love casts out all fear"  And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.

So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning.  Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination.  And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."


And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.

!!! & YAAAAY & UGH! all in one! :)

First off I've gotta say, if you've been reading up on these, thanks everyone! :)  And if not, no worries.  I still love you. :)  I just may withhold my yummy oh-so-delicious chocolate chip cookies from you!  (Which, MG, I haven't forgotten that I owe you a batch!)

With all of that being said...

Today's title...kinda makes me sound a little off, right? haha  I think probably because that's what is going inside my head right now.  Lots of excitement, lots of dancing around, and then throw in some groans or 6 and you've got me all figured out this season!  I should probably just start listing, explaining, and going from there! :)

1. Contending for the word: healthy life & supernatural weight loss.  This right here has got to be the number one biggest battle in my life right now.  Not the addiction, not the past...but this right here.  Yes, I know it's tied to the past.  And tied to the thoughts in my head.  But it's been a constant battle to get up and believe this word.  Partly because it seems so easy to just give in and not do it...not workout, not eat healthy, not live a healthy life.  And honestly, some days I throw up my hands, say screw it all, and eat a 3 mini-scoops of vanilla ice cream w/ nutella, sugar waffle cones and M&Ms.  (Yes, that's what I did tonight.)  So many people tend to think it's easy, that all this enthusiasm comes naturally (did you hear me snort in laughter just now?!).  They couldn't be more wrong.  Though I'm learning how to enjoy it, it's still a battle.  A battle inside my head going, You know what happens when men think you're beautiful.  What if the abuse happens again?  What if you get noticed? What if all men see is the "skinny" you and that's all you attract?  What if...what if...what if...  I HATE HATE that game inside my head.  And every second is a battle to not give in to those lies.  To take every thought captive to the obedience and knowledge of Christ.  Because that's not what my Daddy Father says.  But a part of me is seriously freaked out on what, exactly, would happen WHEN I lose this weight...I've never been "skinny". EVER. EEEVVVEEEERRRR.  For as long as I can remember, I've always worn plus-size clothing.  And now, I'm slowly seeing the light where I can very soon stop shopping at Lane Bryant because all their clothes are too big...and inside my head, though I seem to present a nice, calm, happy exterior...inside my head I am slowly wigging out.  I am slowly, step by step, battling.  Battling for my life, my health...for the vision and the words spoken over me concerning health, wholeness and healing.  And I know so many people have so much input and ideas and yada yada yada...the one thing that I KNOW to do ...is listen to my Daddy on what HE wants me to do.  And to Debbie! lol  (can't forget Ms. Debbie!)  Some may be offended by this, see this as arrogant.  Not really.  I just need to listen to His voice...because when I hear His voice, that's when peace reigns inside my heart and my head.  I don't hear the lies when I hear His voice.  All I hear is the words, "Keep going, beautiful beloved!  You've got this!  Come on!  I'm giving you MY strength.  Here, take MY joy!  Shout it out...let out all the tears, frustrations and anger that got you here in the first place."  And, at points in time during my workouts recently, I've just done the workout, the exercise, weeping, in tears, screaming at myself to keep going, don't quit, don't stop.  Learning how to OVERCOME the lies of the enemy with the truth that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!  Is it easy?  No.  Not by any means.  And I still quake at the thought of what might happen when I hit where I want to be weight (number) wise.  (I couldn't do clothes size as I don't remember being smaller than an 18...yeah, I said that via cyber space.)  But I know that I have some amazing cheerleaders who love me, been with me through the lies, through the deliverance, and through the journey.  So, I'd like to give a shout out to a few people right here and now...and if I forgot you, I'm sorry...it's late! lol  Just hit me up and I'll add ya!

Shout out goes to: Mari--through the phone calls and texts, always pushing me to keep going, never quit, and listening as I sob on the phone.  Rose D--for making me want to be a bit more competitive...not intentionally...but because I know you're, like, super buff and I wanna be like you! :)  Rose B--for listening, for the hugs, and for the info on how to keep my body healthy naturally.  Without you, my life would be sad.  And I'd never have 4 amazing little boys to hug, cuddle and watch TV with if it wasn't for you and Nick!  Debbie G--oh, this woman!  oh oh this woman!  Kicks my butt, and then has me coming back for me I get so excited! lol  Who encourages me, and then tells me I can't go half-way in things...like moving isn't working out! lol  But who loves me enough in Christ that every time I see her I just want to hug her and thank her...because I know she doesn't realize just how much this means to me. Joe & Desiree H--who added me to their FB group, and got me to begin to challenge myself...but who also put me with the right connections to get onto this path of healthy living.  Ruby P & the ladies from Thursday morning glory group--you all have NO IDEA how much I love you all!  Every time I see you all I just wanna give hugs!! haha  Your encouragement, wisdom and prayers have gotten me through some tough and dark times this season, and for that, I thank you.  You all get to see the end results as He takes me through this journey.  And thanks for letting me share what He's been doing in me!
And for the others who have prayed, given words, or just plain blessed me--thank you thank you thank you!  You have no idea the encouragement you've given to me...even when I don't always want to hear it! lol

2. Freedom to be who I am in Him.  Oh, how this has been a very important key this season!  Learning whose I am, but also WHO I am...without excuses! :)  Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, yet changing where He's called me to change.  In essence, finally getting my identity from logos (head knowledge) to rhema (heart knowledge) and understanding just exactly what that means.  And not accepting anything less than that!  Also learning to accept myself...flaws and all.  And be content with who He has made me to be...and FINALLY believing all those things He says about me.  Even on bad days, days where it's stressful, or I want to rage at the world...I've seen a difference in my stance of identity...I no longer claim the bad stuff, but instead speak the Word over myself, and my situation.  Which leads to...

3. Growing Up.  It's taking many, many years for this to finally come to pass.  But I'm realizing that I'm beginning to bloom as a woman of God.  And am SO STINKIN' EXCITED about this!  After the many words about this, finally understanding what He meant when He said those things...just...wow.  I'm growing up.  I wish I could explain more about that, but honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin.  Which is probably why a friend and I had a 3 hour conversation! hahahahaha  Trying to share everything with him was way more difficult than I expected...because there was so much to share!  But I thank him for listening to me anyways! :)  And feeding me yummy food. :)

4. Moving.  Oh my gosh the trials that went with this.  Exhaustion, forgetting to pack half my crap due to exhaustion, frustration w/ myself, frustration w/ myself, more frustration w/ myself. lol  Not many people know where I moved to...I'd like to keep it that way.  I'm okay w/ this, actually.  I honestly like being off the grid for a season.  This has allowed me to get my ducks in a row personally.  From finances, to prayers, to learning how to live life...I've needed this for awhile.  And I have moved in with a wonderful lady who is willing to help me learn how to organize, keep house, and help me maintain a nice, cleanly environment.  More like, she's willing to take my hand and show me those steps!  Thanks, Ms. Patti! :)  You are an answer to a prayer I never knew I had prayed until recently.  This move...it's been...interesting.  I've purged over half of my things.  I took MG's car loaded up to the brim, then my car loaded up front seat, back seat AND trunk.  And I'm more than likely going to take another load when I begin to unpack.  Goodwill has gotten so much from me I think I single-handedly supplied their store for a week! lol  Including furniture!  But honestly, this has been a season of purging.  Out with the old woman, in with the new mind-skin.  The new me.  The me that is free, whole, healed and delivered.  The me that I always knew was inside, but I was so stinkin' scared to let out.  And honestly,  I love who He's making me to be.  I'm great! lol

And with all of that being said...I wish we could sit down face to face and I could tell you just exactly what's been on my heart lately.  But that would take way longer than this blog to do!  So, I'll leave you with a song that has been playing on the radio recently, and when I first heard it, I was like, YES! :)

The force of joy

You know those times, when all you can do is laugh & jump & dance...when you're so joyful everything else bubbles up from that...yup. The force of joy! :)
Was driving to work after Bible Study this morning (which was really good by the way!). & just had this bubbling in my belly (spirit). All I wanted to do was dance & shout & clap & scream out my love for my Maker, my Husband, my God. & Just rejoice in all He is doing in this season. HE'S DOING SO MUCH!!!! :)
& through it all...learning how to worship & learn this amazing God I serve. & realizing, as well, just how joyful I've become. Just how MORE joyful He has made me, is making me to be.
Even in the areas where He calls me to be bold & step out in faith...the fear is gone. Just His absolute love.
What a great place to be...His arms. :) Bababababa I'm lovin' it. Hehe

And tonight, had a privilege of working with a ministry in the area of hospitality.  And meeting new people.  I had a ton of fun! :)  And I can't wait to do it all over again...as exhausted as I am right now! lol  I can tell this is where my heartbeat is.  Which always makes it fun for me! :)

Anwho...today was a great reflection on joy.  Before, I would've run around the room and kitchen like a chicken w/ no head.  And no brain.  And all stress.  Tonight, I tried to roll with the punches (hopefully it worked! lol), took everything in stride, relinquished control and just plain had fun.  Even to the point of dancing in my head.  I think at one point I did burst out into a mini song.  Or maybe that was in my head.

Anywho!  I loved it.  Every minute of it.  From prepping, to popcorn making, to sitting at the table eating (it took me awhile, but sit I did! haha).

And one thing that God showed me tonight...was how much more fun life is when joy is in the midst.  And not just fun...but how much that force of joy has to bring about the presence of God into a room and place.  And how drawn in/attracted people are when we walk in that supernatural joy.

All that to say...I'm praising my way through today! :)

And a whole 'nother thing...not quite on topic, but still learning.  Planted zinnias, like, 2-3 weeks ago, and have been impatiently waiting for them to grow.  But those seeds have been lying dormant for what seems like FOREVER!!!!  Until about 3 days ago, when all of a sudden, POP comes the first shoot, and it was HUGE compared to other seedlings I've grown.  And God spoke to me while I was impatiently waiting for my zinnias to begin to take and grow.  That I'm like these zinnias....I've been planted, and tilled, and watered, and prodded and poked and more watered, and sunshined out...and it's only been til now, til such a time as this, as He's beginning to cause me to blossom and bloom and shoot out of the soil into something beautiful.  Which goes w/ the word given to me on Monday (one that I didn't share on here).

What a cool confirmation of the word brought forth! haha

Now, good night my peeps! :)  Finally headed off to bed after a much busy yet really fun day!!! :)

Stop cursing my kids...

I think it all started last Thursday when this lady started praying over my kiddos...and I immediately was like, "uh, no, I don't receive that for them. Why are you praying that they're sick and yada yada yada and...lady, STOP PRAYING!!!"

But me, I didn't want to be rude.

Maybe I should have.

Because the change in their behavior has been astronomically different.  They went from being amazing to being, well, the opposite.

I've had kids in my office ON A DAILY BASIS!!!  I haven't had that since we first got the program up and running.  It's been an amazing month of greatness.

And one person's prayer about how they're all wild, and they're so glad I'm there, and how there's so much unruliness and...

Lady, what in the world makes you think it's okay to pray the bad over people?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I'm angry.  I'm angry that I have to once again go back and take the ground back.  Ground it took 6 LONG MONTHS to gain w/ these kiddos.

And I knew once those words came out of her mouth...just...grrrrrr.

So, now, I'm standing on the ground goin', "enemy, you're not taking my kiddos back!  you're not taking the peace and unity back!  you're not stealing our joy!"

It's been difficult though.  From staff to children, it's been so amazingly difficult.

So my prayer, and if those who read this would stand w/ me...

He'll give me the game plan to gain back the ground, and exactly how to combat the curses spoken over my children
He'll help me to see this person through His eyes, not mine of anger and hurt
He'll give me the grace and patience to deal w/ these issues in a loving manner, not one where I'd like to duck tape 'em to the wall...myself included...just for a moment of peace in my day
And above all, that He'll show me how to walk in love, not frustration, with those within our program, from boss to children and everyone else we encounter on a daily basis.

Needless to say, every night I've come home, ate, waited for food to go down, and then crashed for 8-10 hours.  If you know me, I don't normally sleep that long.  Think 6 hours unless I'm super tired or sick.  I've been super tired and exhausted.

I think my biggest frustration is that the person thought it was okay to say, "so many kids are sick, mental illness, misbehaviors, diagnosed w/ this and that and this and..." and then look at me and start proclaiming all of those things at my kiddos.  Behavior issues, diagnoses, illnesses..."Lord, teach her to be a light to these kids in her program who have all of these, because I know in today's society every child has something wrong with them"

WTF man?!?!?!??!?!?!  Yes, I cussed. I know.  It just gets me so angry!!!

Instead of seeing the wrong in them, maybe it's time to see the right.  The goodness.  What they do that's amazing and brilliant and strong!

The difference between me and others in my position...no matter their behavior, I see what they're capable of.  I see their strengths, their awesomeness, their heart to be loved and known and appreciated for being who they are, not who others tell them to be.  And when I talk to my kids, the minute I tell them, "_____, I'm disappointed in that choice you made.  I KNOW you can do better!  I KNOW you are amazing, unique, smart, __________________ (fill in the blanks).  I KNOW that between you and I, we can work on this.  Let me help you!  How can we work on this so that if this comes up again, we can do better?"  And that door is opened for them to believe that I love them, care about them, and want only the best for them.  (I've had grown middle schoolers and high schoolers cry when I start pouring into them like this.)
They see that my heart isn't to be down, degrading or angry at them.  But instead I want to instill just how amazing they are, mistakes and all.  I want them to see WHO they are, but also WHOSE they are.  I don't want them to leave my office without a change in their heart.

So, lady, instead of cursing today's generation of kids coming up...
Maybe it's time you start speaking life into them.
I don't want your curses.
I don't want your views.
Keep 'em to yourself.

If you're not gonna speak life over this generation, all I gotta say is move outta the way.  As harsh as this may sound, I don't need your view points of what's wrong with this generation.  I instead want a view point that this generation CAN grow up to be amazing, righteous, strong, and walking in faith.  So, if you don't have anything encouraging to add to that...it would be best you didn't talk to me.

Thanks,
disgruntled teacher/administrator/person who works w/ this generation