My ugly

Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:

http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people

After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home.  All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.

Lemme give you a few examples:

1. The comparison game.  All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody.  If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you.  (which will lead to example 2 in a minute)  Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women.  What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not.  Insane, I know.  And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.

2. Pride.  Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have.  Well, I'm not denying it.  As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there.  That damn sneaky little thing.

3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist).  Yeah, I said it.  What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life?  But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?

All of this to say, I'm struggling.  With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning.  Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable.  At times.

And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus.  I'm so so sorry."  Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.  Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry.  I'm sorry that I've drifted away.  I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience.  I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out.  But today, this morning, I took it out.  And saw it clearly.  And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere.  (disgusting, I know, but get over it)

I allowed things that I never should have.  And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him.  So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go.  Because if I don't, I'll drown under them.  And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me.  So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope.  My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored.  That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.

No, this journey isn't over yet.  And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today.  But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all.  And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing.  Because He loves me.  And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.

Whew...

"Perfect love casts out all fear"  And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.

So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning.  Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination.  And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."


And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.

Contemplations

You know, sometimes I really hate late nights.  Like tonight.  When I have too much time to think.  And then I think about my day, the things I've done, the actions I did or did not take.  And then I start to over think.  I know, I know.

Like this morning, for instance.  When I weighed-in on the scale.  And then I immediately wanted to hurl the scale, or maybe just myself, off in a fit of temper.  Because the number was seriously high.  And I know numbers don't matter, especially when clothes are fitting loose.  But lemme tell you...I'm a numbers girl...and I like numbers.  So, to me, numbers DO MATTER.  Why?  Because it's something I can see visibly.  Which stinks...because then I get hung up on these numbers...and, well, now you know what a semi-conversation looks like inside my head in this paragraph here.

All that to say...

I had to breathe. And NOT let the numbers get me down.  Because I know I've been working out.  For the most part, I've been REALLY good on my meals/eating habits/lifestyle changes.  And that all this interval training has made me get some serious muscles on my body (yaaaaaaaaaay).

But I have received that I need to just bury the scale somewhere in the boonies in hopes that it never find me anytime soon.

Because numbers and visuals do a whack-job to my brain.  And start getting me in a tizzy.

So today, I had to learn to lean on Him for my identity.  To choose to not listen to the lies inside my head saying all kinds of crappy things.  Was it easy?  No.  Am I still battling?  Yes.

But PTL His mercies are new EVERY morning.  And so are my choices. :)

So, all that to say....

If you're in a strangle, struggling place...it's okay.  Keep going.  Keep holding on.  Don't quit.  Don't give up.  You'll get through it...push through....keep up the good work...even when it's not so good, keep going...because your new day is coming! :)

Short, sweet, to the point.  It's just something I needed to write out to get out of my head and on to the journal.

night, my small world. :)

Accountability Contract Update :)

Accountability for Weight Loss

Weekly Exercise Goals

·         30 mins of moving/work out 3 times a week.  NO EXCUSES!!!

·         At least 1 time a week meet for exercise/fellowship

Monthly Nutritional Goals

·         Eat balanced meal (incorporate veggies and fruit) (AP#2: eat 1 balanced meal/day)

·         Strive for  3 meals and 2 snacks a day

·         Food Journal – application/journal

·         Daily vitamins

·         Limit sweets once a day (Alex & AP#2)

·         Limit soda to twice a week (AP#1)

·         Limit juice to once a day (AP#2)

Weigh Loss Goal

Starting Weight:

If I told you, I'd have to kill you. ;)

                Short Term Goal

·         Weigh only once weekly – notify each other!

·         .5-2.0 lbs per week

1^st Goal 4lbs by Dec 1

2^nd Goal 4lbs by Jan 1

3^rd Goal 6lbs by Feb 1

                Total loss: 14 lbs in 3 mths

Long Term – Final End Result

·         Alex: 135 lbs

·         AP#1: 150 lbs

·         AP#2: 140 lbs

Rules for breaking agreement

·         Extra workout- other person chooses weekly

·         $1.00 in jar for Nutritional portion weekly

·         If short term weight loss goal is not met, must pay difference of goals minus actual weight loss

Celebration for Weight Loss Goals

·         1^st goal- Starbucks/coffee (AP#2: go to the movies)

·         2^nd goal- Shopping trip

·         3^rd goal-Cook a new recipe 

Realizations

I'd have to say that this week, the one thing I've realized is:

Understand that every step in the right direction is a victory in the battlefield of war.


It's all about the baby steps.  And which direction will I choose to go.


I've been taking those baby steps, especially in the area of my health.  Learning how to eat a BALANCED meal, that is PORTIONED.  Learning to incorporate exercise into my daily life.  Learning that every small choice that I make matters.


In essence, learning to listen to my Abba Father in the area of health and wholeness.


And it's been an exciting journey.  I've stumbled on several things that have changed in the past 3 weeks:

1. My stomach HATES soda...mostly the non-diet variety, when I do choose to drink soda.  Learned that last night.
2. My stomach HATES junk food.  Learned that yesterday.
3. My body CRAVES good-for-me things.  Mostly fruits and veggies, but w/ the occasional meat tossed here and there into the meal.  And I'm just now realizing...I haven't eaten much meat the past 3 weeks.  Some ham in my egg mc-muggin, some turkey pepperoni in my mini-pizzas, but quite honestly, I think that's really been the only meat.  Wow.  Kinda cool to realize that I very rarely eat meat now, but instead enjoy more veggies and fruits. :)
4. My body CANNOT STAND very much sugar anymore.  Too much sugar, and apparently my body decides to breakout into a semi-allergic reaction.  And it's only w/ the sweet sugary stuff.  I mean, I know I prayed that He help take away the sugar cravings, but I didn't think He'd do it that way. lol
5. When I don't exercise, I miss it.  Yes, really.  It's kinda weird to realize that.  I MISS EXERCISE. haha Doesn't mean I want to always do it.  Or even that I like it.  But I've trained my brain to realize that if I miss a workout on a scheduled day, it means I have to be even MORE disciplined in what I eat and do activity wise.
6. I can't do this journey alone.  I love posting certain things on facebook, and seeing/reading the encouragement of "you go girl" or "keep it up" or "every calorie counts".  What most people realize is...*insert girl moment here* I get really teary eyed when I read/see those.  If I sit and examine why, the biggest reason for that reaction: I'm so thankful.  I'm thankful for the people in my life who are encouraging me with their cheers.  I'm finally realizing how much I am worth.  After years of not understanding, not "getting it", not seeing it...  I'm realizing that I matter, that I'm someone "important".  That He sees me and REALLY sees me, every bit...and loves me no matter what.  The head knowledge is aligning with the heart knowledge He has been telling me for years. :)
7. When I walk in joy, the victories are the greatest, even if on occasion the step I take leads to a minor defeat.  I know.  Kind of confusing.  But let me break it down: this week, despite the stress, the junk, and everything else, I told my Abba Father that I would CHOOSE to walk in joy.  And those moments where I have made a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to choose joy, despite that step of, "I'll just eat one more chip, one more candy, one more yada yada yada", despite that, I've gotten up, dusted myself off, and kept on walking towards the right path. Yes, minor detours. But the realization of: I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP.  I CHOOSE NOT TO QUIT.  I SEE THE EYE OF THE TIGER (JESUS).  

So, that's what I've been realizing this week.

That I've been growing up in increments.

It's been rough.  It's been difficult.  Several times I've wanted to give in to the temptations and eat my way through emotions.  But I chose to talk with Jesus instead.  I chose to lay the temptations at the cross AND RUN.  Not to stand by the cookie jar (candy jar at the office), but instead, to go, "Jesus, I don't want to be the old me anymore.  I am CHOOSING TO BELIEVE for my word: supernatural weight loss.  Thank You for helping me make the RIGHT CHOICE in order to gain the VICTORY in the battlefield.

With that being said, my prayer for you:

That you would learn to rely on Him in the battlefield, so that when it comes to make the choice of flee or give in, you choose instead to run to Him, to listen to His voice, in order to win the victory in the midst of the war.

How to be P.U.R.E.

Today was a battle.  Yes, I'm admitting this out loud on cyber space.  Why?  Because if someone doesn't, then it stays hidden in the dark, allowing the enemy to win & fester in this area of our walk.  So, I'm choosing, today, to be brave.  And to say...

These past several days have been a battle to remain pure.  To watch what I read, what I see.  And some battles were lost.  Some were won.  And some tears have yet to be shed, pouring my heart out to the One who knows me best, and knows all of my heart's longings and desires.

So, what did I do?  I started looking up a church I kept passing by on the way to the house I'm at for a few more weeks.  The church is right around the corner, so I was curious about it.
And I found his message on Vanishing Virtues, and part 2 was on purity.

I thought I'd share that with my little world.  Why?  Because so many people have asked me what it means to guard your heart.  So many people have asked me how to stay pure, and why.  And why wait.  Why not give in to the temptations, the desires, the longings?

And sometimes, though we know the right answers, it doesn't make it any easier.  Sometimes the battle just becomes more rough, making us feel like we've been drug through the trenches, crawling just to see some type of light at the end of this temptation tunnel.

All that to say...is here are some of the notes that I took.
I hope that by sharing this, others will realize that it's not just them that struggles w/ this issue.  And it's not just a man/male issue.  But that, instead, we ALL struggle and deal with this in one form or another.

So, dear hearts, take heart.  There is a sister who is battling in the trenches w/ you.  And there is a sister praying that He gives her strength to overcome the temptation.  There is a sister praying for each of you dear hearts reading this.  And there is a sister who, one day, will say that by HIS strength, the battle was won!

How to be PURE

Protect your heart above all else (Prov 4:23 NLT)

Unload the past (no matter when you stopped, make it a priority to abandon impurity and take up purity; I John 1:9 NLT; confessing is agreeing w/ Him…confess it’s sin, give it up & begin to walk away from impurity)

Run from sexual sin (pastor believed that Joseph ran b/c he knew if he stayed, he would regret it…RUN!!! Get out of dodge when there is a possibility of sexual sin; 2 Tim 2:22 NLT)

Embrace God’s plan for sex (accept His plan, for He does have one!  It is meant to be a gift that’s enjoyed & cherished.  Matt 19:4-6 NLT. )

His plan for sex is through marriage, not for someone you think you might end up marrying some day.  From images you see to words that you read, it is intended for marriage.  It is an exclusive offer from God that we can’t afford to keep messing this up.  We need to value purity the way God desires us to.  Purity diffuses the landmines targeting our family, our faith and our future.  Lust is the most cunning, dangerous and effective landmine.  So let’s choose to live a life of purity!

Take a position that says, “Lord, I’m ready to live a life of purity.”  Let today be a day that you tell Him you’ll take on this battle, w/ His strength, and are ready to be victorious!