Things Unseen.....1/7/16

Life has been...different.  It's been...weird, to say the least.  I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet.  A different stress.  A different life.

By all means, please don't hear complaint.  I'm not complaining.  It's different.

I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek.  And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.

You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless.  I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.

There, I said it.  Depression.  The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.

I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face.  Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down.  I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years.  The last one was...terrifying.

I remember the first time it happened.  I almost committed suicide.  I was ready to give up, give in.  Instead, He brought me to Jesus.  It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace.  If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.

Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction.  Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place.  He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light.  He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me.  He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance.  This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.

Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different.  It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing.  The darkness name: sexual abuse.  I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it.  The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness.  I was...broken.  I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing.  To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this.  Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive.  Some days are better than others.  Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come.  The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything.  So, some nights, some days are better than others.  My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare.  (This a few years later, after the counseling.)

After counseling, I was...free.  God opened so many doors, so many friendships.  He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.

Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness.  The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.

And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!

With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT!  He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning.  He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley.  As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful.  To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.

Hold on, Beloved.  Hold on.  FIGHT!  Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in.  Instead, make a way for Me!  Instead, worship Me!  Instead, honor Me!  Instead, love Me!  AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU!  I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!

With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus!  Yes!!  I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope.  Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You.  I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed.  I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.

Above all...I will love.  I will love.

My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  FIGHT!  Believe!  Seek!  And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness.  There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.

Walk by faith, not by sight.....12/8/15

Let me start off with...it's been a wild ride the past few months since the last blog post (Oct of this year).  Major decisions happened, and life is about to change as we know it.

If you didn't know, I have been trying to look for another job for awhile now.  Last year, Eric and I were talking about it, but felt that it wasn't time yet.  There was good to be done.  At the beginning of this year, we once again took it to the Lord, each in our own way.  We felt the go-ahead to begin the search for a new job.

Hundreds of applications later, and still nothing.  Then, I got a nibble.  The nibble didn't pan out.  And I lost hope for a minute.  I remember coming home in tears so many times, frustrated, stressed, anxious, emotionally drained.  If you didn't know, I work at what's called a BMC campus...behavioral management.  And I love my children.  I enjoy our families.  And admittedly, it's emotionally draining at the end of the day, day after day.  I hear the stories of the families, see the behaviors of the kiddos, attempt to sit and plan out the best for our children and the program I work for...which doesn't leave much to invest in our corner of the world.

After months of prayer separately, on the drive home one night, I started talking to Eric about what the Lord was revealing to me as the next step.  Remember, we hadn't talked about it with each other much, just agreed to take it up in prayer and generally prayed together without getting into specifics as we continued to hear.  Lo and behold, what I was hearing, Eric was as well.  We again agreed to take this up in prayer TOGETHER, as we knew it was a big leap of faith.  We also talked with our family and requested prayers as we listened.

After 10 years in the education field, I put in my two week notice.  I love my kiddos, staff and families, but it's time to invest into the family I was placed in, into my husband and our little corner of the world.  I'm currently waiting on paperwork to be processed for a new job (which I won't explain here).  But suffice it to say that...we're excited.  The world tells me I should fear, be anxious and worried.  I was telling Eric the other day that I feel none of those.  After we made the decision, I woke up the next morning with Out of the Grey's song, Walk by Faith (I think that's the title...Eric had found it from my olden days and posted it on my FB wall).  After so many months of dreading the drive, the emotions...I woke up with joy, peace and an excitement.

Most people would think I'm crazy.  I have a staff that's supportive, if not shocked.  Parents who are e-mailing and calling, wishing me well and speaking life.  And students who are giving hugs and smiles as they begin to realize they only have 2 more weeks with me.  (I'm glad I'm not surrounded by most people. :D)

I was talking to hubby last night.  I didn't realize just what an impact I had made on everyone.  I do my job because I love our children, and the families, even on the crazy days.  It brings tears to my eyes to hear the stories the parents are telling me, and the words of love and encouragement.  It's going to be a rough two weeks as I begin to pack away the office/classroom, but I also know it's with joy that I leave my kiddos, knowing that a light has been shined in each of their lives, a light that I hope one day leads them to Him who loved me first.

Now is a season to walk by faith, to grow in my knowledge of Him and worship Him with everything I have.  It's a short season of rest before I hopefully hit the ground running.  It's also a time of leaning on His strength as I say good-bye to the past 10 years.

If you pray for me, please pray for His strength and grace as I learn to say good-bye to so many people and children.  It will be hard for all of us.

And know that my prayer for you all in all of this is that, no matter what's going on in life, you walk by faith and not by what you see, your circumstances, troubles, issues, concerns.  That you stand on His Word and His promises, because He is a God who provides, Jehovah Jireh.  He has a banner over you, one of love.  Walk in it, praise in it, relish and cherish His love for and over you this season...rejoice that He was born and gave His life to celebrate in freedom and victory!!

In Him,

AF

My greatest gift so far.....10/19/15

Well, it's been awhile.  A pretty long while.  It helps that we have a desktop once again, thanks to some pretty cool friends of ours. (Yay N & R!)

Life...life has been sweet.  It's been 2 years and roughly 2 months since Eric and I have been married.  Yesterday, we were able to renew our vows in front of everyone at church.  Something that Pastor Robin said really resonated with us...our journey has been long, rough and sometimes I've wanted to throw in the towel regarding healing and where God has been taking me.

When I first saw that our church was doing the vow renewals, I asked Eric about it.  I wanted to see if he was interested.  After we discussed it, he said go for it.  So, we did.

About a day after signing up this past week, God reminded me of a word that He had given me regarding my relationship with my then-future husband.  (I hadn't even met Eric yet when this word was given to me.)  My husband would help heal some of the wounds in my heart and in my life.  When I heard Him whisper that to me, I thought back to all of the things Eric and I have been through together.  The night terrors, the insomnia, those moments where I slap his hands away because I couldn't bear to be touched, never knowing if it was a dream or reality that someone was trying to harm me.  (This usually happens when he tries to shake me awake before the terror completely grabs ahold.)  The emotional turmoil that he has had to go through, as I worked on being healed from the inside out when it came to the abuse.

I think this man deserves a cape.  Because he's my hero.  He has loved me through so much.  Through tears, pain.  He's held me as I wake up screaming or sobbing.  He's kissed me awake knowing that, in my terror, I may not recognize him.  But he does it anyways, trying to get me out of the terror before it truly begins.  He's cried with me, walked with me, prayed over me, and stuck by my side.

Someone awhile ago told me that I had offended quite a number of people when I got married to this man.  (Mostly on the way I married him, as we eloped.)  I've lost quite a number of friendships, some due to offense, some naturally drifting away, and some because of the move.  It still saddens me, the lose.  But I can't nor don't regret it.  Eric has been the greatest gift that my Abba Father has given me.  He's used the arms of my husband to bring healing.  The words spoken in the dark, which I'm terrified of, to bring light.  He's used Eric's prayers to bring about a healing that has allowed me to quietly blossom and grow.

As the tears come into my eyes, I realize just how much I love this man.  How much and how glad that I am married to this wonderful gift.  My Abba Father has truly blessed me.  Eric has been well worth the wait.

And as I think back and reflect in my quiet time this morning, I can't help but smile my large smile.  From 2 years ago to now, I remember telling Eric that my heart's cry was to help people like me, to walk alongside young women who needed a shoulder and a mentor, to bring light into a place where few are willing to travel, to speak life into them and pull out what will later be such a marvelous, healing treasure.  And to know that we are slowly beginning to do this as a couple.  Eric, my strong, amazing Eric, has been willing to have our tiny little home be opened up to women searching for more...more Jesus, more knowledge, more life skills, and more friendship. 

It's been a great 2 years and roughly 2 months.  It's been a great season, despite its ups and downs.  It's been...blessed.  And I love seeing how Abba Father is slowly restoring things in different areas of my life.  I know things will never be perfect, nor am I expecting them to.  All I know is that I'm thankful that Eric brings a little bit of heaven to earth as we walk this life together.  I love you, my handsome man.

Blessings and Realizations...3/15/15

It's been almost 6 months since my last blog post. Not having internet will do that. 😁

Tonight, as I can't seem to sleep despite the fact that I fell asleep in the car on the drive home, I decided to be obedient. Instead of laying in bed, playing another round of Gin Rummy on my phone, I got up. And I got into the Word. And I started to clean after that. 

This weekend has probably been one of the most busiest Eric and I have been in a very long time. From canning, to moving things around, to unexpected visits and meeting new people. During all of that, the Lord gave my hubby a prophetic word. And my husband was obedient and proceeded to act on that word. 

He began to sweep off the patio, the sidewalk and underneath the stairs of our apartment complex. All the while hearing the Lord tell him that he is sweeping out the old to begin to usher in the new and next step of our lives. 

Silly me. I didn't really think anything of it except, "That's an awesome word Hun." Oh silly silly me. As I sit here pecking away on my phone screen, God has been showing me that I too have my own things to sweep out. I too have things that I need to begin to shed to usher in a newness that He wants to bring. 

But I keep going back to, Am I ready for it?  New things are scary. CHANGE is scary for me. I fight against it with a passion that exceeds my love for chocolate. 

The answer to my question is...I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't have all of the answers like I wish I did. I'm not so confident of success. And that scares me so much. 

And then He brought me to this Word tonight: Deut 4:39 (HCSB)-

39 Today, recognize and keep in mind that the LORD is God in heaven above and on earth below; there is no other.

He is God. He reigns. There is no other like Him. 

I can take peace in that. I can take heart that there is no other, including my worries. And that once realized, my heart can be in peace and contentment. I choose to listen and obey, the way my husband did as he swept out the junk off the areas we walk on. 

With all of that being said, that's where I'm at spiritually. 

As for the practical, Eric and I are gearing up for what I like to call the crazy season. The season that sees me living at the office with very little sleep. This season will continue until June. And then begins Summer Camp. A blessing with so many...things to think on. 

This season also sees us prepping a lot more. We have one complete food prep box done. The second one is currently being worked on. That'll hold all of our mason jar goodies. Which we still need to work on the spaghetti meat sauce, the one thing we didn't finish yesterday. We're also working on our toiletries box. And I'm trying to get caught up in all of the Make a Mixes and homemade spices/seasonings I've created. I also need to work on more bread and freezer goodness. 

Not to mention the DIY stuff we've been using. 

Gardening has begun for us as well. Eric put my greenhouse up yesterday and today he took me to go buy some new babies. (I sold one of my items and used the proceeds to feed my plant love!). I'm currently working on my herb garden and beginning my salad greens. Greens will be staying indoors since it's a cold weather loving plant. 😒

As for health, I need to make a few appointments. The cyst is back with some...complications. Which we kind of realized may have affected other things. So, calling the Doc tomorrow. 

Eric and I have also been doing daily step challenges. So grateful for the Fitbit. We've seen slow progress in the weight loss, but it's at least progress!!

And with that being said, I think that's the final bit to this entry. It's been an incredibly trying year with many downs, but also many blessings. 

Here's to more of Him by this time next month! 

Alex Flint 💃

My Delight

Wow. It's been four months since I last posted.
Life has been crazy. Our home has slowly begun to get in order. And both hubby and I are doing FPU TOGETHER.  Haha
Our church family has been amazing.  I love them dearly! A far cry from just a few months ago. Eric and I have been abundantly blessed and in awe of what He has done in this area for us.

As a whole,  life has been...quiet.  In a sense. Ha! Eric and I have been learning to lean on Him so so much.  This season has been one of soaking up the revelation of "My delight is in You and You alone." We have had to cling to Him, & each other,  these past few months.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

A year ago,  I was angry at God. Certain areas and things were falling apart.  And to see just what that year, now, has brought about.

A new boss. And one who has already gone to bat for my campus.

A new staff, including an assistant.  And about an additional 40 children from last year.

New friendships that have spoken so much life into the two of us. But friendships that also challenge and grow us.

A spiritual "awakening" in a sense for both Eric and I.  Being able to draw closer to Him separately,  & then coming together to realize just how He has molded those pieces together.  From weeping,  to laughing,  to crying out before the throne of the One who loves. He truly has done something amazing in both of us.

Financial Peace University.  A budget.  Actually realizing that we are seriously willing to sacrifice what we can in order to become debt free. And standing our ground in this area. This has been a key growth area in us as we learn discipline in our finances.

But above all...

Sitting here pulling all nighter day two...

The joy of the Lord is my strength.  And I delight in Him. I love HIM.

My heart overwhelmingly pours out that love in worship,  rejoicing,  praising,  thanking,  worshipping.

Oh, to see how far He has taken me, & so grateful for the amazing man who took one look@  my past and told me it didn't matter.

My heart delights in His goodness.  But also in His gifts to me.

So, I look up, smile and cheese my way as I dance in joy at all He has done. :)

"And you're going to hear me roar"......7-5-14

Never has a song been so fitting for this season in my life.  This past week, I had the honor and privilege of not only coming up with the songs for our talent showcase, but also the choreography for both my kinder boys and girls.  (I split them up rather than teach all 28 one song.  I enjoy my sanity.)  For the girls, I chose "Roar" by Katy Perry and "#thatPower" by Will.i.am for my boys.

As I was practicing with the girls, and as we were talking about the lyrics, I noticed that my girls were REALLY getting into the song.  They began to REALLY believe that they ARE champions, and that they are amazing.  I could see their confidence boost as they got the dance routine down in 2 hours (no, I'm not joking...it only took 2 hours, and every single line had at least 1 step/move to go along with it, plus memorizing the entire song).  And then, on the day of the performance, when I added a NEW move, and they got that down in 30 minutes.  Yeah, my girls are pretty impressive and amazing.

But what I found awesome was that the more that I worked with them, the more that I listened to that song, I remembered that feeling of, "you're going to hear me roar".  I've GOT THIS.  I CAN DO THIS.  But always remembering to never give up.

Eric and I have been watching Season 13 of The Biggest Loser.  If I'm honest, that's probably one of my favorite seasons.  The season of NO EXCUSES.  And I've had so many.  "I can't work out.  I don't have a gym.  I don't have self-control.  I can't do this.  I'm too tired.  I lack motivation." and on and on and on it went.  As we sat watching, something began, once again, to rise up in me.

Now, now is the time for NO EXCUSES.  I can have excuses all I want.  But the bottom line is, how bad do I want it?  When every voice in my head is screaming to "Give Up", "Give In", and just lay down and wait for that death to come upon me (the death of dreams, etc.)....I remember that I am a fighter.

Oh, how that spirit of complacency gets us.  We allow ourselves to sit back and let life pass us by.  We watch others achieve the dreams we desire, and we get angry, and sometimes jealous, of all they've been able to accomplish because we ourselves can't do it.  We turn bitter and cold sometimes because our dreams have died.

I was thinking about all of this last night.  I'm sitting here looking at the tiger print headband I created for myself to match my  girls' scarves.  And my dreams are dusting themselves off and calling my name.  "Don't give up.  Don't give in."  "I've got the eye of the tiger, and you're going to hear me roar."

And can I just say that I have an amazing husband who is roaring right alongside me?!  He has refused to allow me to give up.  As a matter of fact, every time the commercials come on, he makes both of us get up and start working out, whether it be cardio, weights, squats, resistance bands....  Not only that, but he's pushing for both of us to head outside and workout, or to the gym and workout, or to the pool and workout.  My Eric has the eye of the tiger, and I am so glad that he is roaring alongside me on this journey, calling me to never give up.  He's invested himself in our eating/calories, in what we make, in the foods we invest in and buy, and in making sure that I never allow myself to give up any longer.

I think it's, once again, appropriate for the season I'm in.  It's once again time to read The Wounded Heart (can you hear my jumping for joy moment?!) and go back and dig things up and out.  BUT, there is so much hope and passion.  God has blessed me with an amazing husband who refuses to give up on our God-given dreams of being healthy and whole.  Especially since we have a goal together.  I have a certain goal that I am longing to reach.

With that being said,

My soul sings.....3/17/14

I woke up at 2 am this morning with tears running down my face, my stomach clenched in pain, and the biggest pain in my heart.  "My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you."  This is on right now, knowing that within my heart is such a sharp, intense pain of sadness.

I woke up from a dream.  In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not.  Oh, how my heart grieved.  In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong.  He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person.  Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends.  And then I woke up.

Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now.  I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong.  My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that.  So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain.  I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.

He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished.  He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it.  The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer.  But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.

As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it.  He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis.  (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear.  I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at.  This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)

He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year.  How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families.  To show a God who does NOT judge.  To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments.  To be loved on, and love them in return.  He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education.  But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much.  Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do.  This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.

He reminded me of the ministry I have at home.  Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home.  He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day.  But also our garden, my garden.  Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list.  He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.

He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven.  ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)

As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity.  He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake.  The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams.  He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart.  But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.

So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships.  Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....

There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life

"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name.  The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name.  Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man.  You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name.  Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, Defender, You are my King."

My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him.  I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me.  But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him.  The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious.  Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh*  But I'm believing.  We're both believing.  And standing.  And praying.  And fighting.  And declaring healing over my body.

But I still sing praises.  I still sing my song of Love to Him.  I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior.  I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.

I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months.  Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together.  He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart.  My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.

"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power, 
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"

In all honestly, yes, I miss my friends so much.  I also understand just how hard it is to maintain those friendships over an hour away, one-way drive.  I also realize that Eric and I are choosing, instead, to put all our money into our debt, versus spending it on extra gas or dinners.  (I even stopped my very routine trips to Starbucks, knowing that spending $5 for a cup of coffee...well, that $5 could go towards something much more meaningful, like our savings account...)

All in all, I understand why I've chosen to do what we've done.  We've a goal in mind, and we are determined to reach it one way or another.

I guess, in a way, this dream was a way to allow me to say goodbye to one life, and hello to another.  Not that I'm getting rid of relationships, by any means. But instead, gaining a new life, renewed friendships, and a heart that is ever changing, ever growing, always being molded.  My heart still wants to maintain friendships and relationships, but also asking Him how I can do it, when I'm so far away that I actually tell people I live out of town! :0)

Hmm...I smell an amazing wind blowing again.  And I rest in the arms of my Savior, my Lover, my Comforter, my King, my Abba.

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You, Jesus.  I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, Jesus."

Getting back up....again...2/21/14

Sometimes, life takes you on a crazy journey.

And then tosses you out of the car.

That's kind of how I've been feeling lately.  A little lost, a little crazy and way too busy.

So, let's play catch up on where I'm at right now:

Work
After having 4 staff leave in January, leaving me 2 staff, plus myself, to work w/ around 100 kiddos...let's just say the stress of that time left me in tears almost every night.  My poor hubby...God bless him for learning to deal w/ the stress and love me that much more.  It meant late nights at work, and early mornings too.  It meant lots of chocolate, coffee and goodies for my staff because we were just trying to hang on, with no help on the way.

Now, almost 2 1/3 months later, we can honestly say we have survived it.  And I'm only down 1 staff now, instead of 4.  And I, overall, love each of them for their unique ways.  (One of them has a shoe collection...yes...we tease HIM a lot...lol...him and his Nike's...)  They've had to put up with a lot, but learn that much more quickly.  They've had to deal w/ so much, and I am thankful for each of them, and how they've ALL been willing to help take the load off of me when I finally opened up to just how stressed I was, and what it had been doing to me internally.

Health
Not so good, to be honest.  It's been...a very long ride.  Due to some complications w/ the meds I was first put on, and their side effects, we've had to once again get off the meds and try to control the issues homeopathically.  This has led to a lot of research, study, etc.  And frantically trying to find items the cheapest yet best possible (it's expensive!!!).  My weight has ballooned, and I am now heavier than when I first started this journey.  And it's been frustrating...  It doesn't help that I've pretty much been swollen for over a week now, and can't seem to get the swelling to leave...thus, the FB post on anti-inflammatory herbs and such.  Once again trying to find a homeopathic remedy that will fit and work with my body.

Yesterday, there was a meltdown on the way to drop Eric off to work.  I...couldn't deal w/ everything going on anymore.  I was just so frustrated, so broken, and so heartsick at feeling like everything was crashing down and all of the hard work was seemingly for nothing.

So, we had a heart talk last night, and came up with a game plan that involves the both of us.  I'm going back to the Daniel Fast/mostly vegetarian way I ate.  Partly for spiritual reasons, but also because my body does so much better on a vegetarian lifestyle than it does w/ the meats I've been incorporating due to the much-needed protein I was told I needed.  (Unfortunately, this is why I think the swollen hasn't gone down, and has only gotten worse...)  I'm excited, though I know my body is going to go under a serious detox that is going to leave me cranky and feeling like crap for awhile.  But I know in the long-run that it's what's needed to hopefully realign my body into where I need it to be.  Especially as I need to schedule another blood lab work to be done...which will determine if I need to be placed on insulin...

Eric and I also came up with a workout that we can do together at home.  Neither of us have money for a gym right now, and the idea of walking in the dark, in places I don't really know, makes both of us feel quite uncomfortable with that idea.  So, home workouts it is until God provides another way.  I'm praying for some weights right now, since we don't have any.  : D

Spiritual

BSF...lots of homework...so little time sometimes! lol  But it's been good, and I've been learning a lot.  That's probably all I'll say right now.

Anywho...this is a bit where I am right now.  On the journey, refusing to give up, even though everything in me is crying to throw in the towel.

I can't.  I won't.  He has shown me that I'm stronger than even what I think I am.  So, it's time to lean on His strength, His wisdom, and get through this, one footstep at a time.

Until next time...

This crazy journey called....BACK TO HEALTH

So I've been doing a lot of research lately on my last week of vacation.  Some of you may be thinking, why is she posting so much stuff?!  And usually all related to cooking, baking, making my own things, etc.

Well, if I haven't shared much of the medical journey recently...

Mainly, that the Doc was seriously concerned about my health.  And that if things were continuing the way they were, I wasn't looking at a very long life at all.  But most concerned for the Doc, as well as Eric and I, was the fact that no one has been able to figure out the mass reactions I have to things...from allergy tests to blood tests, it has seemed that my body is thrown off kilter and literally sick.  From the migraines, to the rapid weight gain (it is documented that within one month, I gained 25 pounds, WITH proper diet and exercise, by the way).  Also, extreme swelling of my limbs, joints, sudden severe and intense back pains. Constant vertigo, dizziness, nausea within 30 minutes of eating.  And the worst of it all...a blood sugar that even the doctors were...well...shocked...especially given the family history of diabetes and other things.  (The Doc pulled a med student or two in because of the unusualness of what was going on.)

With all of that being said, the Doc couldn't figure out why.  And every medication thrown at me, just made me, well, sicker.

So, after a lot of prayer with Eric, and a lot of quiet time, we decided one thing: that we would listen to Him for my eating habits, diet, etc.  And that the research would begin.  The one thing we both knew: neither one of us wanted me to die much earlier than anticipated, which, given the prognosis, would have been within 5 years.  (Imagine our shell-shock when we got this news...)  My amazing husband decided that whatever I cooked and ate, or didn't eat, he would follow.

And he's been true to his word.  And we are seeing the results.  (His pants are getting smaller and smaller each month!  As for me, we have been able to, FINALLY, stop the weight gain.  It's been a bit more stable, though still off by far on what I need to be for a more healthier me.)

It's also why I am so passionate about beginning to grow, and make, my own things.  Because I know what's in them.  After fasting for a period of time from certain foods, and then reintroducing them (sometimes by sheer accident), we finally began to figure out what exactly is triggering the majority of symptoms in my body.  And it all stems on the foods I've been eating.

Which started the research and documentary journey I've been on.  I have another doctor's appointment to be scheduled this coming week...and we have no idea what the doc is going to say...it's another blood lab work, so...I'm hoping that it's going to show a difference, especially since I tossed the medication away over a month ago because it was causing my blood pressure to go up to 170/99.  Yes, you read that right.  All within 2 WEEKS.

So, if you start seeing a lot of research being posted on my FB feed, organic recipes, DIY things, you know why now.  Eric and I are refusing to give up, and are continuing to battle this thing.  I've slowly become passionate about what I've put in my body, and am learning to be just a little more aware of things.

No, Eric and I haven't given up some stuff.  We still have the occasional bout of going out to eat, or my "cravings", but I'm slowly learning that in order to feel good, and to beat what's going on inside my body...it's going to take some pretty drastic measures.

So, let the search for farm fresh produce begin.  And a good juicer... :)

AAAGGGHHH

So it's been a few months since I've written anything.  I have no idea why. Maybe because life has changed drastically for me, & all for the better. 

Let's recap, shall we?  June met my husband,  July got engaged.  August got married & moved. And opened up a new program with my job. And saw the most busiest and hectic school yr of my wking life.

Not only that, but wked the entire summer with no break, including a rm that no one wanted to be in.  But one that I loved.  (They'll always be my babies no matter how big they get or how bad they behave.)

So. Yeah. Life has been crazy hectic. Not to mention having to deal with the numerous rumors & gossip of the whole reason why I got married.  *insert eye roll*  So, bear with me as I clear up some things and answer others today.

1. No, I am not pregnant nor was I ever pregnant,  resulting in why I got married.  If you thought that before,  shame on you for not knowing me as well as you thought.

2. The reason I kept quiet: okay peeps. By definition,  the nature of an elopement is quietness.  For once in my adult life,  I wanted to keep certain things to myself.  It was quite lovely to be able to have time to adjust and to not have the whole world know my business.  If that offends you, I am sorry. But after talking with the hubby, I realize I shouldn't have to apologize for that. This decision was made between he and I, as we are the ones sharing covenant together,  & it was fully made with his backing & knowledge.  Now with that being said,  the quietness was more for my sanity than anything else.  Eric & I took that time to just...be. Something that we both are immensely glad for right now.

3. Why I've been so quiet lately...  It isn't because I don't want to hang. I do. I just don't have the time, energy or capacity to right now.  This is where I have had to draw a line. I am choosing to invest in my marriage and my husband.  For all my married friends, I sincerely owe you an apology.  I had no idea how hard it is/was to juggle friendship maintenance and married life demands. And I judged you all on how you kinda threw me under the bus, per se, when you got married.  I never said anything,  but I am soooo sorry. It's hard trying to do all of 'this', & I have much to learn from those who have found a good balance.  Teach me please!!!!

4. For those that have stuck by me, thank you. So much has been happening in my personal life.  & I thank you for listening to me, & praying with me.  And for pouring in to me. You have no idea how much that has lifted my spirit and helped during the drama of the month. Thank you!

Now, I hope you didn't think that I'd end it just there.  The one thing that I can say without a doubt is that my Abba is good, & He is faithful.  As I'm learning to surrender and lay down my life for this ministry called marriage,  I can tell you so much I have already learned, both from the Mama & from my husband.  (Thanks Lynn for coffee dates!)  I am always astounded at my husband's love for me, & his willingness to sacrifice and speak into not just me, but the people and kids I work with.  What an amazing blessing I was given the day I said 'I do'. (& yes, honey, that includes the puns in the middle of Wal-Mart.) 

So, in closing,  know that each day has been ones of battles fought,  victories earned, & humbling myself to learn from some of the most amazing people around me.  It has been an honor and a privilege to walk with some of you. And to know that the best is yet to come!!! :)

Until next time,  my friends.  :)

Oh. Expect an e-vite & fb msg soon from me on a celebration party in December! : D