Let the typing begin.....6-24-13

I know.  I should be in bed by now.  (On a random note, the time is 11:11.  The number 11 stands for deliverance & judgment.  Numbers together means double portion.)  I've seen those numbers a lot.  Like, a lot a lot lately.

Anywho...

I was thinking tonight.  Dangerous thing that.  As much as I can laugh things off, it's in the quiet places where my mind begins to piece different things together.  When I can finally sit in the quiet, in the secret, and really think.  It's also when MC asks me those open-ended questions that I have no choice but to answer, and not shy away from or hide.  You know the ones.  The ones that make you cringe because you know you have to really sit and examine not only your heart, but your emotions as well.

Tonight's been one of those nights.  And it actually started before talking with her.  Before talking with EF.  Just...before.  At 4:26am to be exact.  No, even further than that.  At 3:00am when I woke up "randomly".  *snorts*  There's no random in my life anymore.  Everything happens for a purpose.

Anywho...

Just...thinking...  On a lot of things.  A lot has been on my heart and my mind, and I'm realizing just how hard it is for me to share them.  Some of them I'm willing to, but others, others....others stay real close to my heart.  Not to be let out except for in the quiet of the night.  And mostly because I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining this.  I wouldn't know how to explain it.  Words...aren't necessarily my forte when it comes to my emotions.  It's easier for me to show you than it is for me to say it.

Thoughts like:
1. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew, and was better at it.  Because I feel like a complete failure when it comes to this.

2. Running scared.  When things hit me, they hit me hard.  And all I want to do sometimes is pack my things, throw my hands in the air, and run.  I just...there's been so many emotions lately, that sometimes, all I can do is shout out, JESUS!!, in the hopes that I don't become snowballed under everything.  No one's fault but my own when I don't verbalize what I'm needing/feeling, and I should. *sigh*  See #1.

3. I desperately long for a hug.  Just one, giant, massive, big hug.  Why?  Because I can feel all of my insecurities beginning to pour out.  And it's not pretty.  It's messy, this life.  It's messy, doing life period.  And for most of my day, all I really want is someone to say, "I've got this."  Instead of me having to constantly fight the battle of perfectionism that I tend to veer towards when in unknown situations.  I miss those days when PT would look at me, and immediately knew if I needed a hug.  The arms would open wide, and I'd actually walk quite rapidly into them.  Strange for me, I know.  (Hey, physical touch boundaries...)  And remember always feeling safe, that no matter, even if that person knew every bad thing about me, I'd always be welcome in their arms.  Or being able to walk up at random moments, and say, "I need a hug," and arms would come around me.  I...miss that, frankly.  I miss being able to do that.  Which is, again, weird for me.  I can see just how far He has taken me when it comes in this area.  I never thought I'd ever say I miss physical touch when it comes to hugs.  But I've had an excellent spiritual family who's done nothing but love on me through hugs, so I guess it makes sense. :)

Even with all of that, I know one thing.

The goodness of God still amazes me.

Always has.
Always will.

So, I'll go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that no matter what, my perfect peace and safe harbor is in Jesus Christ, my rock and my redeemer.  My strength and fortress in times of need.

And I remember...

I'll not only be okay.
I'll come out shining in the end.

And on my lips at the end of nights like this, all I can say is, Thank You, Jesus.  Thank You that YOU are my all in all.  I rely on You and You alone.

And then I say, "More Lord.  More."

Try, try, try...12-2-12

"You gotta get up and try try try"

This one phrase in the song has been resonating in me since I first heard it.  It seems that every time I want to give up and quit, this song pops on! haha  If nothing else, I love the encouragement of that phrase.

It's been 2 weeks now...(from 11-17-12, Day 1 on MFP)
4 lbs down
-3.12 inches off overall

And I've been fighting this bitter battle.  Constantly going, "okay, just get up, move, keep going, don't quit, don't stop."  I even had to text the bestie to force myself to get out of the car at the parking lot of the gym, to get up and actually go into the gym.  It's a bitter battle, but I'm determined to be the victor in this one.

I'm tired of feeling icky, feeling like "the dreaded fat girl", and having to battle so much of my image issues because of things I've allowed.

Well, here's to the good fight of faith!

Keep moving.
Keep working.
Hard work.
Determination.
Refusal to quit.
Even when I'm tired.
When I'm down.
When I can't see the goal in sight.

I gotta get up and try, try, try.

To the victor go the spoils...the spoils being no more fat, a healthy me, and a me I can't wait to sure the world. :)

Mental victory...FOR THE WIN! :).....11-20-12

Today I pushed myself to get up, get out and move.  I don't regret it.

But I will say, I had some seriously hilarious moments today that were linked to something that happened on Friday.

You see, what had happened was...(in honor of the bestie, had to use that one! haha)

Was heading into Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies for my classes, and this guy is walking towards us.  There's this other lady coming up behind me in the parking lot, and I kinda notice he's checking one of us out.  (My thought process immediately goes to the other lady, though I hadn't seen her yet. Still working on that image thing!)  So, I keep walking, thinking nothing of it, when the lady catches up with me, the man passes by, and 5 seconds later she busts out with, "Ohh girl he was checking you out!!  He turned back around!!"  I about died laughing.  At the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Anywho, I just dismissed it, texted my bestie, and laughed about it some more as I continued my day.

And then it so happened again today.  At the gym.  The one place I wouldn't think to be checked out, 'cause, well, I'm the "fat girl", and all these beautiful skinny gals are surrounding me at the treadmills.  (Now don't yell at me for that one...)

The guy in front and to the right of me keeps turning around and looking at me as I'm doing my cardio stuff.  Finally, he leaves just as I start my intervals.  Well, 20 minutes later, HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME, hanging on and just looking my way.  When he realizes I've noticed, he looks away and kinda sneaks off somewhere...

I could've been seriously creeped out by this (okay, I admit, I kinda was).  I could've had a "moment" (due to the past), but I didn't.  Instead, I just smiled and laughed inside.  And kept on going with my workout. :)

For me, that's a victory.  I should probably explain why.  One of the reasons...the biggest reason...why I've put on so much weight has been as a protection.  To my old way of thinking, if I am fat and big and ugly, no man would ever look at me, thus no man would ever sexually abuse me ever again.  And the biggest trigger to going back to old, unhealthy habits is when guys, any guy, starts noticing me.  The nightmares come back, the food binges come back, and overall I'm right back where I used to be.  Tonight, I shrugged it off, told myself, "Man, I'm looking good tonight!  Let's do this and keep on going!!  Let's push it!" and without a backward thought (except to laugh and move on)  I kept on going and didn't let it affect me.

That, that right there, is a victory in some serious heart healing. :)  And a great mental victory as well!  Woohoo!!

Looking forward to continuing this journey... :) 

Keep your eyes open

Today, well, the past few days, I've felt this need to write.  And write some more.

To write what was on my heart.  To let go of some things.  To just...unburden myself.  And allow all of the emotions to flow.  That's one of the things I was told I was good at...writing down my emotions.  I can't always express them, but when I write, everything just seems to flow from pen to paper.

Today was no different.  As I sat at my desk, getting ready for the holiday festivities, I finally picked up my stationary set and pen and just let everything flow.

Doubts.  Fears.  Anger.  Tears.  And longing.  So much longing.

And as I sat and wrote, this song kept playing in my head:

And over and over, the whisper of His voice as I wrote...to not give up, to keep on going.  To keep my eyes open.  To not let go.  To not lose hope.  Even amidst my frustration and angst.  "'cause if you never leave home never let go you'll never make it to the great unknown...so show me your fire, show me your heart, you know I'll never let you fall apart, if you keep your eyes open, my love"

And I just burst into tears.  This past week just hit me.  The ending of something.  Well, more than one thing. And how so many changes have come up.  And that yeah, right now, my heart feels a bit broken and shattered at the realization that I need to let go of some things.

But I'm also reminded to not give up hope, even when that's all I want to do in my flesh.  To keep holding on.  To keep my eyes open.

But also to keep walking in Him.  In His light.  His voice.  His love.  "So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love"

 All of that to say...

If you're at the point where you're so frustrated, and you want to give in....

When all you see is the darkness around you....

When you've lost hope in the promises given, or the words spoken...

Keep your eyes open.

Keep them focused on Him.

Don't look away.

Don't give up.

Crawl if you must.

Dig into the ground and elbow your way through the muck.

But keep your eyes open.

The mountain may seem large, but I promise, it's not.

It may seem unsurmountable, unattainable...

But it's not.

Because I serve a God who makes all things possible.

Paves a way where there is none.

Opens the floodgates of hope when we choose to keep our eyes on Him.

Not on our circumstances.

Not on our status quo.

Not on our relationship(s), or lack of them.

But when we are so focused on Him,

His eyes,

His heart,

His face,

His voice.

When we are so focused on Him,

That's all we say.

So, today, I'm letting that be my anthem, my theme, for this season, as I allow my heart to feel emotions, to break, to cry, to tear, to anger, and to doubt.  I'm remembering that through it all, my eyes will still remain focused on Him.

And that brings me a comfort, a peace, a joy....that I can't even begin to describe.

Because I know that, ultimately, this leads to another chain broken, another thing being set free.  Another petal in my flower to be allowed to bloom.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

And all that is within me, praise and bless His holy name.

What I learned from making pancakes

It cracks me up that I always tended to learn the best lessons while salivating concocting chewing cooking up yummy delicious food. :)  This morning was no exception.

I woke up refreshed, with plenty of sleep under my belt (almost a total of 20 hours from Friday night and last night).  Woke up with a song in my head: "Isn't She Lovely", by Stevie Wonder.  And this is the part that was playing nonstopirritatinglyrepeatedly over and over :

Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
But isn't she lovely made from love


Anywho...I've been singing that all morning.  So now I have the Stevie Wonder playlist playing on my Spotify account...and I digress from the story.


Okay...back at it now...


Not only did I wake up w/ that song in my head, but I woke up happy and content, and in a mood to bake.  Now, when I get in this mood, you might want to watch out.  The kitchen becomes a disaster area work zone, and the house smells like the witch's house in Hansel and Gretel really yummy.  So, went on pinterest and became anal about organization a much better organizer and organized my Favorite Recipes board.  Into various catergories...desserts, main dishes, crock pot, etc.  You get the gist.


Anywho, found this awesome recipe for Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookie pancakes...made w/ no sugar. :)  So, the bake cook was on! haha


Got my handy dandy apron, and began to cook.  And all of a sudden (happens like that a lot lately), I could hear Him begin to talk to me...about pancakes...and dough...


Making the pancakes, and looking at the batter and how, well, weird it looked.  All these clumps and lumps and just...well, ugly.  I mean, it tasted good.  But for a moment, I was wondering how in the world will that weird-clumpy-looking batter is supposed to turn out like the picture on Pinterest?!


Which He then reminded me about some things:


1. I'm made of lumps and clumps and things that aren't very "pretty".  We all are.  But it's those very things that make us unique.  Makes our story unique in and of itself.  Those things we have to deal with, that help us understand just what our calling is, how He's placed us in the body.  For example, one of those lumps was my addiction to pornography and romance novels.  Now, I know I am free and called to help others to that same freedom.


2.  The heat makes what looked ugly into something beautiful and delicious.  Without the heat, the pressure, the bubbles, the storm of sizzling butter in the pan, those lumps and clumps wouldn't be turned into something yummy, nutritious and really good to eat.  Without the heat and pressure, without that refining fire, we aren't able to turn into something that's infinitely more precious BECAUSE of the lumps, what was inside that batter.  The batter is what makes the food unique in and of itself.  You changed one ingredient in the batter, and you've created a whole 'nother recipe.  Same with us.  If you changed one part of your story, the outcome would/could/possibly be different.


3.  It's when I'm in the kitchen, baking and cooking for the fun of it, that I'm most happy, content and thriving.  It's when I'm in that place that everything in my head gets quiet, my hands are busy, and my heart is ready to listen.  I always thought it was during worship...and to some degree it is...but this season, I think because my hands have been busy doing things, that He's been taking time out of something I love, and "making" me listen.  I knew baking was a passion of mine, I just don't think I realized just exactly why it was.  :)


And then He put it all together...


How I'm like that batter...and how I see myself...and the way I NEED to see myself and this journey.  There's so much that makes me who I am, so much that I'm STILL trying to figure out, as I flounder at things, excel at others, and generally learn what most people have learned in their teen years...  And most often than not, I feel like that ugly batter, like nothing beautiful could ever come out of it.  And that there are so many lumps and bumps and clumps and hodge-podge messes that for the life of me I can't figure out how He'll make it into the picture He's showing/shown myself and others.  But then He reminds me that, despite what I think, I'll eventually get there.  It just may take a lot more fire than I realized.  A lot more baking/cooking/marinating.  And that I need to be patient.  To not demand so much in so quick a time.  (Seems like patience has been my downfall lately...or lack thereof.)  And that I'll EVENTUALLY get where I need to be, and that it's okay to take it slow.  That He knows exactly what He's doing, and that He's a gentleman while doing it.


And not only that, but it's okay when a few more GOOD bumps come along...like chocolate chips in the batter, the added sweetness of life's amazing moments (such as holding hands for the first time in my life with a man) adds character, moments and memories that are good. :)


Then He took me back to remembering some things regarding DN, that these past 2 1/2 months have been good, despite the heartbreak that went with ending a potential relationship (knowing that he was not the one for me, after much prayer and counsel and wisdom).  And He reminded me of the things learned, the confidence built and the fact that I faced my fear of men, and survived.


And as tears begin to form and leak, the realization that, despite my moments of wanting to bang my head against the wall, He's forming something beautiful and yummy, something fragrant and delicious...something that, in the end, will bloom and turn into that butterfly, that flower, those amazing chocolate chip oatmeal cookie pancakes, that is sweet, beautiful and lovely.  It just takes more time, more marinating and a bit more heat. :)


All in all, I think a lovely lesson to learn this morning as I sit and bask in His presence...and dance to "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes. :)

My ugly

Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:

http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people

After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home.  All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.

Lemme give you a few examples:

1. The comparison game.  All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody.  If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you.  (which will lead to example 2 in a minute)  Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women.  What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not.  Insane, I know.  And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.

2. Pride.  Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have.  Well, I'm not denying it.  As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there.  That damn sneaky little thing.

3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist).  Yeah, I said it.  What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life?  But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?

All of this to say, I'm struggling.  With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning.  Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable.  At times.

And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus.  I'm so so sorry."  Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.  Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry.  I'm sorry that I've drifted away.  I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience.  I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out.  But today, this morning, I took it out.  And saw it clearly.  And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere.  (disgusting, I know, but get over it)

I allowed things that I never should have.  And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him.  So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go.  Because if I don't, I'll drown under them.  And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me.  So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope.  My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored.  That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.

No, this journey isn't over yet.  And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today.  But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all.  And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing.  Because He loves me.  And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.

Whew...

"Perfect love casts out all fear"  And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.

So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning.  Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination.  And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."


And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.

I choose freedom

I didn't give in.  I didn't do what my first instinct was...which was to pick something up and allow it to wash the pain away into nothingness.  I didn't give in.

I needed to start with that first.

Tonight, I felt like, for the 1st time, someone was trying to push the boundaries, & wouldn't accept no for an answer.  Even though I kept saying no, I feel uncomfortable with sharing that.

And it felt like I was a victim all over again.

A slap to my face.  As if this was some tabletop conversation that happens everyday.

And not my life.  What was done.

And I got angry.  So so angry.  And I did what I do...I fought back.  With words.  And then I completely shutdown.

And then I curled into a ball and just sobbed my heart out on my bed.

And it showed me how this area of my heart still needs healing.

And for the first time in a really long time, I tried really hard not to vomit up dinner as the memories and flashbacks came.  As pictures and images of what was done kept running through my brain, all I could do was cry out, "JESUS!" as I wrapped my arms around Roger the bear and weeped my heart out.

Which tells me that this journey of sharing my testimony...is an on-going process.  He's showing me these wounds for a reason.  But He's also allowing me to be real and honest not just with Him, but with myself.  And with others.

Even as tears roll down my face, I know that it's time to face this part of my journey.  To not allow the fear to creep in.  And to remember that I'm no longer the victim, that little girl.  And that what was done no longer has the power to control me anymore.  I laid it at the foot of the cross.

And even as I type, all my thoughts in a jumble, I feel my spirit begin to calm down.  Knowing that He is my strength and my refuge.  My very present help in time of need.  That HE is my Beloved One, who will not harm me or hurt me.

And I have to remember to trust Him in where He's leading me, even if I don't know where it ends up or where exactly I am going.

So, thanks, Jesus.  For showing me this part of a bruised heart that I didn't realize was still there.  And for showing me that I don't have to fear...and I don't have to accept being a victim any longer.

I choose freedom.

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex

Contemplations

You know, sometimes I really hate late nights.  Like tonight.  When I have too much time to think.  And then I think about my day, the things I've done, the actions I did or did not take.  And then I start to over think.  I know, I know.

Like this morning, for instance.  When I weighed-in on the scale.  And then I immediately wanted to hurl the scale, or maybe just myself, off in a fit of temper.  Because the number was seriously high.  And I know numbers don't matter, especially when clothes are fitting loose.  But lemme tell you...I'm a numbers girl...and I like numbers.  So, to me, numbers DO MATTER.  Why?  Because it's something I can see visibly.  Which stinks...because then I get hung up on these numbers...and, well, now you know what a semi-conversation looks like inside my head in this paragraph here.

All that to say...

I had to breathe. And NOT let the numbers get me down.  Because I know I've been working out.  For the most part, I've been REALLY good on my meals/eating habits/lifestyle changes.  And that all this interval training has made me get some serious muscles on my body (yaaaaaaaaaay).

But I have received that I need to just bury the scale somewhere in the boonies in hopes that it never find me anytime soon.

Because numbers and visuals do a whack-job to my brain.  And start getting me in a tizzy.

So today, I had to learn to lean on Him for my identity.  To choose to not listen to the lies inside my head saying all kinds of crappy things.  Was it easy?  No.  Am I still battling?  Yes.

But PTL His mercies are new EVERY morning.  And so are my choices. :)

So, all that to say....

If you're in a strangle, struggling place...it's okay.  Keep going.  Keep holding on.  Don't quit.  Don't give up.  You'll get through it...push through....keep up the good work...even when it's not so good, keep going...because your new day is coming! :)

Short, sweet, to the point.  It's just something I needed to write out to get out of my head and on to the journal.

night, my small world. :)

!!! & YAAAAY & UGH! all in one! :)

First off I've gotta say, if you've been reading up on these, thanks everyone! :)  And if not, no worries.  I still love you. :)  I just may withhold my yummy oh-so-delicious chocolate chip cookies from you!  (Which, MG, I haven't forgotten that I owe you a batch!)

With all of that being said...

Today's title...kinda makes me sound a little off, right? haha  I think probably because that's what is going inside my head right now.  Lots of excitement, lots of dancing around, and then throw in some groans or 6 and you've got me all figured out this season!  I should probably just start listing, explaining, and going from there! :)

1. Contending for the word: healthy life & supernatural weight loss.  This right here has got to be the number one biggest battle in my life right now.  Not the addiction, not the past...but this right here.  Yes, I know it's tied to the past.  And tied to the thoughts in my head.  But it's been a constant battle to get up and believe this word.  Partly because it seems so easy to just give in and not do it...not workout, not eat healthy, not live a healthy life.  And honestly, some days I throw up my hands, say screw it all, and eat a 3 mini-scoops of vanilla ice cream w/ nutella, sugar waffle cones and M&Ms.  (Yes, that's what I did tonight.)  So many people tend to think it's easy, that all this enthusiasm comes naturally (did you hear me snort in laughter just now?!).  They couldn't be more wrong.  Though I'm learning how to enjoy it, it's still a battle.  A battle inside my head going, You know what happens when men think you're beautiful.  What if the abuse happens again?  What if you get noticed? What if all men see is the "skinny" you and that's all you attract?  What if...what if...what if...  I HATE HATE that game inside my head.  And every second is a battle to not give in to those lies.  To take every thought captive to the obedience and knowledge of Christ.  Because that's not what my Daddy Father says.  But a part of me is seriously freaked out on what, exactly, would happen WHEN I lose this weight...I've never been "skinny". EVER. EEEVVVEEEERRRR.  For as long as I can remember, I've always worn plus-size clothing.  And now, I'm slowly seeing the light where I can very soon stop shopping at Lane Bryant because all their clothes are too big...and inside my head, though I seem to present a nice, calm, happy exterior...inside my head I am slowly wigging out.  I am slowly, step by step, battling.  Battling for my life, my health...for the vision and the words spoken over me concerning health, wholeness and healing.  And I know so many people have so much input and ideas and yada yada yada...the one thing that I KNOW to do ...is listen to my Daddy on what HE wants me to do.  And to Debbie! lol  (can't forget Ms. Debbie!)  Some may be offended by this, see this as arrogant.  Not really.  I just need to listen to His voice...because when I hear His voice, that's when peace reigns inside my heart and my head.  I don't hear the lies when I hear His voice.  All I hear is the words, "Keep going, beautiful beloved!  You've got this!  Come on!  I'm giving you MY strength.  Here, take MY joy!  Shout it out...let out all the tears, frustrations and anger that got you here in the first place."  And, at points in time during my workouts recently, I've just done the workout, the exercise, weeping, in tears, screaming at myself to keep going, don't quit, don't stop.  Learning how to OVERCOME the lies of the enemy with the truth that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!  Is it easy?  No.  Not by any means.  And I still quake at the thought of what might happen when I hit where I want to be weight (number) wise.  (I couldn't do clothes size as I don't remember being smaller than an 18...yeah, I said that via cyber space.)  But I know that I have some amazing cheerleaders who love me, been with me through the lies, through the deliverance, and through the journey.  So, I'd like to give a shout out to a few people right here and now...and if I forgot you, I'm sorry...it's late! lol  Just hit me up and I'll add ya!

Shout out goes to: Mari--through the phone calls and texts, always pushing me to keep going, never quit, and listening as I sob on the phone.  Rose D--for making me want to be a bit more competitive...not intentionally...but because I know you're, like, super buff and I wanna be like you! :)  Rose B--for listening, for the hugs, and for the info on how to keep my body healthy naturally.  Without you, my life would be sad.  And I'd never have 4 amazing little boys to hug, cuddle and watch TV with if it wasn't for you and Nick!  Debbie G--oh, this woman!  oh oh this woman!  Kicks my butt, and then has me coming back for me I get so excited! lol  Who encourages me, and then tells me I can't go half-way in things...like moving isn't working out! lol  But who loves me enough in Christ that every time I see her I just want to hug her and thank her...because I know she doesn't realize just how much this means to me. Joe & Desiree H--who added me to their FB group, and got me to begin to challenge myself...but who also put me with the right connections to get onto this path of healthy living.  Ruby P & the ladies from Thursday morning glory group--you all have NO IDEA how much I love you all!  Every time I see you all I just wanna give hugs!! haha  Your encouragement, wisdom and prayers have gotten me through some tough and dark times this season, and for that, I thank you.  You all get to see the end results as He takes me through this journey.  And thanks for letting me share what He's been doing in me!
And for the others who have prayed, given words, or just plain blessed me--thank you thank you thank you!  You have no idea the encouragement you've given to me...even when I don't always want to hear it! lol

2. Freedom to be who I am in Him.  Oh, how this has been a very important key this season!  Learning whose I am, but also WHO I am...without excuses! :)  Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, yet changing where He's called me to change.  In essence, finally getting my identity from logos (head knowledge) to rhema (heart knowledge) and understanding just exactly what that means.  And not accepting anything less than that!  Also learning to accept myself...flaws and all.  And be content with who He has made me to be...and FINALLY believing all those things He says about me.  Even on bad days, days where it's stressful, or I want to rage at the world...I've seen a difference in my stance of identity...I no longer claim the bad stuff, but instead speak the Word over myself, and my situation.  Which leads to...

3. Growing Up.  It's taking many, many years for this to finally come to pass.  But I'm realizing that I'm beginning to bloom as a woman of God.  And am SO STINKIN' EXCITED about this!  After the many words about this, finally understanding what He meant when He said those things...just...wow.  I'm growing up.  I wish I could explain more about that, but honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin.  Which is probably why a friend and I had a 3 hour conversation! hahahahaha  Trying to share everything with him was way more difficult than I expected...because there was so much to share!  But I thank him for listening to me anyways! :)  And feeding me yummy food. :)

4. Moving.  Oh my gosh the trials that went with this.  Exhaustion, forgetting to pack half my crap due to exhaustion, frustration w/ myself, frustration w/ myself, more frustration w/ myself. lol  Not many people know where I moved to...I'd like to keep it that way.  I'm okay w/ this, actually.  I honestly like being off the grid for a season.  This has allowed me to get my ducks in a row personally.  From finances, to prayers, to learning how to live life...I've needed this for awhile.  And I have moved in with a wonderful lady who is willing to help me learn how to organize, keep house, and help me maintain a nice, cleanly environment.  More like, she's willing to take my hand and show me those steps!  Thanks, Ms. Patti! :)  You are an answer to a prayer I never knew I had prayed until recently.  This move...it's been...interesting.  I've purged over half of my things.  I took MG's car loaded up to the brim, then my car loaded up front seat, back seat AND trunk.  And I'm more than likely going to take another load when I begin to unpack.  Goodwill has gotten so much from me I think I single-handedly supplied their store for a week! lol  Including furniture!  But honestly, this has been a season of purging.  Out with the old woman, in with the new mind-skin.  The new me.  The me that is free, whole, healed and delivered.  The me that I always knew was inside, but I was so stinkin' scared to let out.  And honestly,  I love who He's making me to be.  I'm great! lol

And with all of that being said...I wish we could sit down face to face and I could tell you just exactly what's been on my heart lately.  But that would take way longer than this blog to do!  So, I'll leave you with a song that has been playing on the radio recently, and when I first heard it, I was like, YES! :)

It's time to step in!

The water's high and rising even more.  The past 2 days have been...woooooooow.  Between packing, moving and Jesus, it's been a whirlwind week! :)

"Raise up an army of laid down lovers"

I think to try to explain everything that's been going on would take a REALLY long time.  So, I'll try to be brief (as I'm taking a break of sorts) then come back to it later again today.

I got wasted in the Holy Spirit.  And it was like....whoa!  Way better than chocolate wasted, by the way! :)  AND dancing too! Whoaaaaa! hahahahahahaha

Some healing/restoration needed to happen.  Some more freedom needed to rain down.  And I needed to understand just who I am.  It's almost like this past 2 1/2 months have been this constant feeding of right mindsets, right thinking, casting out the old, renewing the mind, transforming...ever-changing.  After the 2 years of getting rid of junk, it's been a season of replacement...old patterns, old mindsets, old habits, old goals and desires.  Now, it's been time to take a step out into faith and begin to grow-up in who He has made me to be.  And WHAT a journey of discovery (ha!  I sorta had a rhythm going in my head there for a moment! haha).

My heart's just growing bigger.  More in love with Daddy God than ever before.  And dancing with my King.

And not apologizing for who He's made me to be.  And looking to Him for my approval and acceptance. :)

Well, folks, it seems I'm right where He wants me to be this new season of my life.  And I'm so looking forward to exploring this new place! :)

I Challenge You...Will you answer it?

Tonight, I was messed up.  Torn up.  From the inside out. And my heart just cried out to Him.  It seems every time Core Values class happens at church, another chunk of the old mindset gets ripped out and replaced with a new mind-skin.  Which can get frustrating at times.

Tonight was most definitely one of those.  It was interesting, tonight.  When one of the words given was seeing a commissioning being released onto people's shoulders...and immediately, my heart began to cry out, "Jesus, what have you called me to do?  What have you commissioned for me to do?  I don't understand.  Everything's been changing so fast.  There's so much going on.  You've taken out the old, and are trying to replace new things, new mindsets, new identity."  And on and on.  Just...struggling for a bit.  A dear friend of mine hit the head on the nail...He took out all the crap, and now I'm having to relearn how to fill it up w/ the good stuff, the healthy stuff, the God stuff.  Which isn't easy.

So, tonight, as a couple at class came and asked how I liked tonight's teaching, I just broke down and cried.  And shared what my heart was crying out.  For help in this area.  For wanting to understand what He's done in me this past 2 years.  For trying to relearn/undo/renew things/mindsets.  So, they poured into me.  Gave me several words.  Which I don't mind sharing here (it has a purpose, I promise!):

• difference maker
• servant's heart
• mountain of Son-shine
• rest in Him--no anxiety
• bulldog tenacity
• big heart

There was a bit more, but honestly, I don't remember all of it.  That was the gist of it, though.

Which lead me to another question...one that I knew no one but my Abba Father could answer.  One that I've been asking secretly in my heart, but, as the word given to me on Saturday night (oh wait...just realized I probably didn't share that yet...so, here it is:

He sees your heart, and how you've been asking for things in your heart, without ever opening your mouth.  And He hears what you've been asking Him for.  He wants you to ask Him.  He delights in giving you what you ask Him for.

The gist of that being that it was time for me to open my mouth and begin to verbalize everything that's been jumbling in my heart for a very, very long time.  Things that I only shared in writing, or while exercising...things that I had never verbalized, but knew He had heard.)

Anywho, back to the story...the one question that I've been pondering over and over and over again...

Who do YOU say I am?

I know.  Most people would be, like, "Alex, you struggle with that?!"  Well, duh.  I'm human too! LOL  I'm not some super-spiritual person that has my act together.  I can be just as messed up and screwed up as everyone else.  But thank God for His amazing grace and mercy and love!!! :)  And for new mind-skins. :)

Okay, back again to the story...

So, tonight, came home, and knew that it was time to ask that question out loud.  To finally listen to what He had to say.  You see, for a very long time, I'd ask Him the question, and think I'd actually "get it", but not really.  It was still only head knowledge.  This time, I asked Him to make it heart knowledge too.  To REALLY show me, no holds barred, who I am.

41 minutes later, 200+ calories burned, I got my answer.  And yes, I'll share that with you too. :)

• overcomer
• forerunner
• precious
• jeweled
• healed
• delivered
• unburdened
• beautiful---beauty
• extravagant lover
• worshipper
• clean--in right standing with Me
• My heart
• joy
• unsatisfied--hungry for more of Me
• challenger of the status quo
• grace

And then, He ended by telling me this one sentence, "I am safe, beloved."

The one phrase I had been waiting to hear from Him.  I had kept that part of my heart hidden...never really telling anyone how much I struggled with seeing Him as "safe".  PTL the big brother DM has been helping me with that, more probably than he even realizes...

But I finally felt a snap in my heart, an untwisting of something that was knotted in it.  It was that little girl part of my heart asking Him, "Can I trust You?  Are You a safe place for me to go, and not be hurt?"  And I got my answer.

He's safe.  He's MY safe place.

Which leads me to my challenge.  You see, that 2nd list above there, well, that's who He says I am.  Not quite what I expected! hahaha  I thought I was going to get some nice, pat Bible answers.  But instead, of gave me words that are as unique that I am.  And then told me to find them in the scriptures. LOL  Only my Abba Father would send me on a treasure hunt like that. :)

Now, comes my challenge to all of you who read this.

I challenge you...

I triple dog dare you...

To ask Him the same question that I asked Him:

Who do YOU say I am??

And then wait for an answer.  And then, post your answer as a comment, reply, whatev.

Share it.  Because I promise, others will begin to confirm what He's telling you.  It's a wonderful part of your testimony.

So, beloveds...

I look forward to seeing just what He says to you.

And know, that even now, I'm praying for each one of you...to know who you are, and who He is in you.  To change your mind-skin to what HE has to say, not what anyone else says.  To begin to see through His eyes just how special and unique you are.  And to step out in faith and boldness, and become the man and woman He has called you to be.  And I pray that you have a new understanding that I love each one of you, am praying over you, and know that I struggle just like you do.  Which makes us family in the kingdom of God. :)

Looking forward to your testimonies!! :)

Alex

So this is what it feels like...

I've posted this song before, but I'm doin' it again...'cause I can.  And then I'll explain. :)

This morning, I woke up from a dream with complete peace.  A peace that surpassed even my understanding.  I won't share all the details on cyberworld, but I'll gladly share some.  I was in an old room of mine, packing up, clearing things away, when someone walked in, threw their jacket on the bed, got up in my face, and said, "Just letting you know, but as soon as I'm done with this-", and the person pointed a finger up towards the ceiling of the room opposite of where we were standing, "-you need to leave.  You can keep the house, or you can leave."  And then the person waited for my decision.  Mind you, there was no fear when the person came up to my face.  NO. FEAR.  I just looked at the person and said, "I'm just here to clean out my things, and take what I need back.  Everything else is garbage and will be thrown away.  Then I'm going home.  This isn't home anymore.  This is just a room inside a house that I no longer live in and no longer want.  You can keep your house.  I am packing up.  I'll be done by morning."  (which is when the deadline was set, as the person was leaving in the morning)  The person just looked at me intently, and I looked back.  Again, face-to-face.  With. no. fear. I REPEAT.  No fear.  In my heart, as the person was looking at me, I knew that this was my goodbye.  That I would never come back to this place again.  And a peace came into me.  That's when I woke up, in peace and prayerful.  I asked the Lord immediately what that dream meant.  And He said that it was my way of saying good-bye.  "This is no longer my home."  He has created something new in me.  Has been for a very long time.

It's been a long battle.  A battle wrought with tears, anger, frustration, depression, fights and more determination than I think I knew I had.  So, again asking Him what this dream meant...it was a final realization that what He has been doing in me...IT IS FINISHED.  This process of healing/deliverance is finished, and I said my good-byes to the past, to the things that my heart needed to let go of.  And I laid them at the foot of the Cross.  And I sat and weeped and weeped and weeped with joy, just as I'm doing now, sobs racking my body.

That place is no longer my home.  I have a new home now.  It resides in freedom.  In healing.  In deliverance.  It resides in the joy of the Lord.  It resides with my Daddy God.  And I cannot help but weep with joy.  The battle that has been waged has been oh so very long.  And all I can do is weep and weep and weep with joy as He shows me the glimpses of prayers, the cries, the tears, the battles waged...and how at this one single moment, He has pieced it all together and said, "Well done, beautiful one.  Well done.  I love you."

So this is what it feels like to be free.  To be whole.  To be healed.  To receive it, and Him tell me, "It is finished."  And to lay it at the Cross, knowing that He is good.

So, I live you with one more song...a song that I cannot help but weep to in joy as I sit and listen to it.  And know, dear ones, that I am praying over each one of you reading this.  That just as He has taken me through this journey, so He'll take you through yours: of restoration, deliverance, healing, and learning to overcome.  So hang on, dear ones.  Don't let go.  Even when all you have is one single fingernail on the grips of the ledge, DON'T LET GO!  You're hope is coming!  Your healing is coming!  Deliverance is coming!!!!

Haggai Chapter 2 (from Biblegateway.com, Amplified version)

   4 But now take courage, Zerubbabel, says the LORD. Take courage, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Take courage, all you people still left in the land, says the LORD. Take courage and work, for I am with you, says the LORD Almighty. 5 My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid. 6 "For this is what the LORD Almighty says: In just a little while I will again shake the heavens and the earth. I will shake the oceans and the dry land, too. 7 I will shake all the nations, and the treasures of all the nations will come to this Temple. I will fill this place with glory, says the LORD Almighty. 8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, says the LORD Almighty. 9 The future glory of this Temple will be greater than its past glory, says the LORD Almighty. And in this place I will bring peace. I, the LORD Almighty, have spoken!" 
20 The LORD sent this second message to Haggai on December 18 : 
 ²¹Speak to Zerubbabel [the representative of the Davidic monarchy and covenant and in direct line of the ancestry of Jesus Christ] governor of Judah, saying, I will shake the heavens and the earth;^{(C)
    22}And I will [in the distant future] overthrow the throne of kingdoms and I will destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the [ungodly] nations, and I will overthrow the chariots and those who ride in them, and the horses and their riders shall go down, every one by the sword of his brother.^{(D)
    23}In that day, says the Lord of hosts, will I take you, O Zerubbabel, My servant, the son of Shealtiel, says the Lord, and will make you [through the Messiah, your descendant] My signet ring; for I have chosen you [as the one with whom to renew My covenant to David's line], says the Lord of hosts.

Zerubbabel, by Rick Pino

I saw them

I saw them
How'd I get so close oh God


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored, woo hoo
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored


Restore innocence oh, God
Restore innocence of this generation, Lord
Yeah!
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
Innocent ones


Listen
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored


This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation, oh, is coming out of confusion
Come out of your sexual confusion
Come out of your doctrinal confusion, yeah


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, woo hoo
My innocence is restored
It's restored
Yeah, yeah


No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation, yeah
No more confusion for my generation
Cause when you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
Be excellent in what is good
Be innocent of evil

You promised...and an update/thank you

Spending 45 minutes yelling, crying and screaming at God.  "YOU PROMISED ME!  YOU PROMISED ME!" And being so angry at Him.  Screaming out, "I hate You.  You lied to me.  YOU PROMISED ME!"  And all this rage and bitterness and anger just came out.

One thing...I didn't realize how angry I was at Him.  I still am.  I look around me to see Him answering people in this area left and right, all around me, and yet He's been promising me for 3 years...AND NOTHING.  So yeah, I called Him a liar to His face tonight.  I lost my voice screaming at Him tonight.  My head hurts, I want to vomit, and I'm exhausted.

I don't really feel better...mostly still angry.  I told Him I wasn't leaving until He told me why.  Why did He give me this word years ago, then take me back to the word again, only to "remind" me that it never came to pass...Really?!?  WTF?????  Like I didn't know that already.  So so angry.

Let's see if He actually answers...me and Him...at an impasse right now...call it a crisis of faith, whatever you want to call it, I don't care.  This is my deal breaker.  He said be persistent, well, I have been.  It still hasn't come to pass.  I did EVERYTHING He told me to do!!  I gave up EVERYTHING He told me to give up.  I gave Him EVERYTHING I had.  And He lied.  It's not here.  There's nothing in sight.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!  That's what I kept yelling and screaming to Him.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

So I poured out all my rage and anger and hate.  And now I'm just tired.  So very tired.  As I was driving home, I contemplated suicide.  He promised.  I did everything He told me to.  Where is He??  Where is what He told me?!?  I thought, for a very very long moment, that me not being here doesn't really matter.  He's slowly taking things away is what it seems like.  One by one, people around me are dropping like flies.  Thanks for the reminder there God.  Makes me feel a whole helluva lot better there.  So, I thought about how easy it would be to not have to deal w/ this anymore.  So very very very tired of this.  Tired of the struggles, the hopelessness, just...a lot.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick"  I'm heart sick, and have been telling Him, asking Him, going before Him, like the woman w/ the issue of blood, going, "I know You can heal me! I know You can!  Why is this still here?!  I don't understand?!  I don't understand!!"

So there I am.  At the ledge one second away from jumping.  Which is why I'm staying out of the restroom w/ the bad stuff in there.  Wouldn't be wise.  Too much in the head right now.  Wishing someone would just come and give me a hug, lie to me and tell me it'll be okay.  I wouldn't believe them, but the lie works too.  Now you know...the struggle, the heartache, the hurt, the tears, the anger, the rage...everything so far.  I hate this.  I hate this part of my heart.  And I know it.  It sickens me to be at this point.  But I feel so desperate.  There's not much left...so here I am, God.  Waiting for Your answer...

And I don't know what to do anymore.  I've done everything I was supposed to...stayed in fellowship, worshipped, read and stayed in the Word, prayer, capturing thoughts...and still this massive anger, rage, depression....this gamut of feelings and things are just there building up inside me.  I feel so ready to explode sometimes.  Working with my kiddos is one of the happiest highlights of my day, because I can forget everything, all of it, all the emotion, and just love on them and let them love on me.

So that's where I'm at right now.  Angry at God.  About there at hating Him right now.

And going...You promised.  Are You a liar now too?

****UPDATE****
After calling a sis in Christ...I'm better.  Still churning.  Still can't breathe and almost voiceless.  But I'm much more calm.  Thanks.  I know it sucks having to talk me off the ledge sometimes, but I thank you for doing it even when you're busy.

Break EVERY chain

This morning, I stuck the banner in the ground.  And started my day with this song:

Break Every Chain – Will Reagan and

the United Pursuit Band

C#m    A      E     B

There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
To break every chain
To break every chain
To break every chain

All sufficient sacrifice
So freely given
Such a price bought
Our redemption
Heaven’s gates swing wide

There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
To break every chain
To break every chain
To break every chain (4x)

There’s power in the Name of Jesus

Copyright © 2009 United Pursuit Records – words and music written by

Will Reagan

This journey into venturing into breaking the fear of men (not being able to talk w/ them, running, the inability to accept compliments, not seeing them as, well, humans, but something scary, like the scary monsters from your nightmares) has been a long 2 months.  I know, it's only been 2 months.  But last night, and this morning (mostly this morning), my battle cry rose up in me.

I was done with this!  DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!!!!  I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE!  BREAK EVERY CHAIN!  I AM SO ANGRY AT THE ENEMY!  I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!  For the first time, something rose up in me and said, "I refuse to accept this!!  I refuse to receive this!!  I refuse to have this on my life anymore!!!!  I will not!  Devil, I am taking back the ground that you've stolen from me!  I am taking back the goodness you have stolen in what you intended men to be!  YOU CANNOT HAVE MY FUTURE!  YOU CANNOT HAVE MY RELATIONSHIPS!  YOU CANNOT HAVE MY HUSBAND because of my fear!!!!!"

Xena, Warrior Princess came out...with the yell and everything.  I just got SO ANGRY!!!!  Because so many times the thoughts have snuck in to just settle...to do things a certain way because, well, that's what I had been told to do, or that's what was seen, or or or or or.  Always the or.  But NO LONGER!  I am choosing to do things HIS WAY in this.

And I will NOT back down!!!!!!!!  I am choosing, as we learned last night, to WRESTLE WITH GOD until He breaks EVERY CHAIN in this area!!  I don't want the bondage anymore.  I don't want the fear.  I WANT IT GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE!!!

And I am CHOOSING to stand on the promises that have been spoken to me these past 2 months.  I am choosing to stand on the words given about my husband, my marriage, and my relationship.  I WILL NO LONGER SETTLE!  IT'S NOT OKAY ANYMORE!!!!!  And it never has been.  But I think a part of my heart was willing to settle so I wouldn't have to deal w/ the fears of a relationship. So I wouldn't have to deal w/ the fears of what emotions would come out, what my emotions would look like.  Because that's what I discovered last night.  So many emotions...and from a person who didn't always know how to express emotions or was told I was just "too sensitive" (b.s. people...being real, but that was b.s....I can explain that later...)...to someone w/ a gazillion of them now, and they're coming so fast that I don't know which way is up and down this past week...and trying so hard to guard my heart, my mind and my emotions...that I was just plain tired of battling.  So, everything is on hold in this arena until further notice.  Because I want freedom FIRST.  I won't back down!  Which comes to the next song on my playlist this morning:

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
you could stand me up at the gates of hell
but I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
and I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

Chorus
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin' me around
but I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down
No, I won't back down

But for right now, whatever my heart or mind may say...if it doesn't line up with the Word, with the freedom I desire, with the core values I am setting before my life...then I don't care what my heart, mind or emotions say. I won't back down.  I will stand my ground.

I will not settle.  I will fight.

I will stand.

Why?

Because I am worth the fight.

I am worth the battle.

I am worth the pursuit.

I am worth it.

I am beautiful.

I am strong.

I am precious.

I am anointed.

I am whole.

I am healed.

I am set free.

I am His daughter.

I am infectious.

I carry the presence.

I will not back down.

I will not allow joy to be stolen,

I will not allow the enemy to win,

I will not allow fear,

I will not allow lies,

I will not allow past failures,

I will not allow self-doubt,

I will not allow people's opinions,

I will not allow inner lies,

To steal the goodness of God, the mercy of God, the grace of God, the freedom of God

He is wanting to restore and place and create and strengthen in my life.

I won't allow it.

So my battle cry is set.

My eyes are straight ahead.

I won't back down

I will stand my ground

For He is worthy to be praised

In the midst of my storm

In the midst of my trials

He is always good

Nothing will change that

Nothing will sway me

My Abba Father is GOOD!