Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex