Things Unseen.....1/7/16

Life has been...different.  It's been...weird, to say the least.  I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet.  A different stress.  A different life.

By all means, please don't hear complaint.  I'm not complaining.  It's different.

I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek.  And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.

You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless.  I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.

There, I said it.  Depression.  The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.

I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face.  Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down.  I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years.  The last one was...terrifying.

I remember the first time it happened.  I almost committed suicide.  I was ready to give up, give in.  Instead, He brought me to Jesus.  It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace.  If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.

Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction.  Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place.  He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light.  He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me.  He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance.  This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.

Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different.  It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing.  The darkness name: sexual abuse.  I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it.  The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness.  I was...broken.  I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing.  To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this.  Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive.  Some days are better than others.  Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come.  The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything.  So, some nights, some days are better than others.  My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare.  (This a few years later, after the counseling.)

After counseling, I was...free.  God opened so many doors, so many friendships.  He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.

Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness.  The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.

And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!

With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT!  He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning.  He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley.  As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful.  To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.

Hold on, Beloved.  Hold on.  FIGHT!  Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in.  Instead, make a way for Me!  Instead, worship Me!  Instead, honor Me!  Instead, love Me!  AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU!  I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!

With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus!  Yes!!  I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope.  Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You.  I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed.  I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.

Above all...I will love.  I will love.

My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  FIGHT!  Believe!  Seek!  And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness.  There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.

Let the typing begin.....6-24-13

I know.  I should be in bed by now.  (On a random note, the time is 11:11.  The number 11 stands for deliverance & judgment.  Numbers together means double portion.)  I've seen those numbers a lot.  Like, a lot a lot lately.

Anywho...

I was thinking tonight.  Dangerous thing that.  As much as I can laugh things off, it's in the quiet places where my mind begins to piece different things together.  When I can finally sit in the quiet, in the secret, and really think.  It's also when MC asks me those open-ended questions that I have no choice but to answer, and not shy away from or hide.  You know the ones.  The ones that make you cringe because you know you have to really sit and examine not only your heart, but your emotions as well.

Tonight's been one of those nights.  And it actually started before talking with her.  Before talking with EF.  Just...before.  At 4:26am to be exact.  No, even further than that.  At 3:00am when I woke up "randomly".  *snorts*  There's no random in my life anymore.  Everything happens for a purpose.

Anywho...

Just...thinking...  On a lot of things.  A lot has been on my heart and my mind, and I'm realizing just how hard it is for me to share them.  Some of them I'm willing to, but others, others....others stay real close to my heart.  Not to be let out except for in the quiet of the night.  And mostly because I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining this.  I wouldn't know how to explain it.  Words...aren't necessarily my forte when it comes to my emotions.  It's easier for me to show you than it is for me to say it.

Thoughts like:
1. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew, and was better at it.  Because I feel like a complete failure when it comes to this.

2. Running scared.  When things hit me, they hit me hard.  And all I want to do sometimes is pack my things, throw my hands in the air, and run.  I just...there's been so many emotions lately, that sometimes, all I can do is shout out, JESUS!!, in the hopes that I don't become snowballed under everything.  No one's fault but my own when I don't verbalize what I'm needing/feeling, and I should. *sigh*  See #1.

3. I desperately long for a hug.  Just one, giant, massive, big hug.  Why?  Because I can feel all of my insecurities beginning to pour out.  And it's not pretty.  It's messy, this life.  It's messy, doing life period.  And for most of my day, all I really want is someone to say, "I've got this."  Instead of me having to constantly fight the battle of perfectionism that I tend to veer towards when in unknown situations.  I miss those days when PT would look at me, and immediately knew if I needed a hug.  The arms would open wide, and I'd actually walk quite rapidly into them.  Strange for me, I know.  (Hey, physical touch boundaries...)  And remember always feeling safe, that no matter, even if that person knew every bad thing about me, I'd always be welcome in their arms.  Or being able to walk up at random moments, and say, "I need a hug," and arms would come around me.  I...miss that, frankly.  I miss being able to do that.  Which is, again, weird for me.  I can see just how far He has taken me when it comes in this area.  I never thought I'd ever say I miss physical touch when it comes to hugs.  But I've had an excellent spiritual family who's done nothing but love on me through hugs, so I guess it makes sense. :)

Even with all of that, I know one thing.

The goodness of God still amazes me.

Always has.
Always will.

So, I'll go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that no matter what, my perfect peace and safe harbor is in Jesus Christ, my rock and my redeemer.  My strength and fortress in times of need.

And I remember...

I'll not only be okay.
I'll come out shining in the end.

And on my lips at the end of nights like this, all I can say is, Thank You, Jesus.  Thank You that YOU are my all in all.  I rely on You and You alone.

And then I say, "More Lord.  More."

My ugly

Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:

http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people

After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home.  All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.

Lemme give you a few examples:

1. The comparison game.  All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody.  If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you.  (which will lead to example 2 in a minute)  Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women.  What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not.  Insane, I know.  And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.

2. Pride.  Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have.  Well, I'm not denying it.  As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there.  That damn sneaky little thing.

3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist).  Yeah, I said it.  What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life?  But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?

All of this to say, I'm struggling.  With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning.  Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable.  At times.

And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus.  I'm so so sorry."  Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.  Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry.  I'm sorry that I've drifted away.  I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience.  I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out.  But today, this morning, I took it out.  And saw it clearly.  And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere.  (disgusting, I know, but get over it)

I allowed things that I never should have.  And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him.  So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go.  Because if I don't, I'll drown under them.  And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me.  So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope.  My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored.  That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.

No, this journey isn't over yet.  And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today.  But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all.  And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing.  Because He loves me.  And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.

Whew...

"Perfect love casts out all fear"  And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.

So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning.  Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination.  And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."


And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.

Contemplations

You know, sometimes I really hate late nights.  Like tonight.  When I have too much time to think.  And then I think about my day, the things I've done, the actions I did or did not take.  And then I start to over think.  I know, I know.

Like this morning, for instance.  When I weighed-in on the scale.  And then I immediately wanted to hurl the scale, or maybe just myself, off in a fit of temper.  Because the number was seriously high.  And I know numbers don't matter, especially when clothes are fitting loose.  But lemme tell you...I'm a numbers girl...and I like numbers.  So, to me, numbers DO MATTER.  Why?  Because it's something I can see visibly.  Which stinks...because then I get hung up on these numbers...and, well, now you know what a semi-conversation looks like inside my head in this paragraph here.

All that to say...

I had to breathe. And NOT let the numbers get me down.  Because I know I've been working out.  For the most part, I've been REALLY good on my meals/eating habits/lifestyle changes.  And that all this interval training has made me get some serious muscles on my body (yaaaaaaaaaay).

But I have received that I need to just bury the scale somewhere in the boonies in hopes that it never find me anytime soon.

Because numbers and visuals do a whack-job to my brain.  And start getting me in a tizzy.

So today, I had to learn to lean on Him for my identity.  To choose to not listen to the lies inside my head saying all kinds of crappy things.  Was it easy?  No.  Am I still battling?  Yes.

But PTL His mercies are new EVERY morning.  And so are my choices. :)

So, all that to say....

If you're in a strangle, struggling place...it's okay.  Keep going.  Keep holding on.  Don't quit.  Don't give up.  You'll get through it...push through....keep up the good work...even when it's not so good, keep going...because your new day is coming! :)

Short, sweet, to the point.  It's just something I needed to write out to get out of my head and on to the journal.

night, my small world. :)

You promised...and an update/thank you

Spending 45 minutes yelling, crying and screaming at God.  "YOU PROMISED ME!  YOU PROMISED ME!" And being so angry at Him.  Screaming out, "I hate You.  You lied to me.  YOU PROMISED ME!"  And all this rage and bitterness and anger just came out.

One thing...I didn't realize how angry I was at Him.  I still am.  I look around me to see Him answering people in this area left and right, all around me, and yet He's been promising me for 3 years...AND NOTHING.  So yeah, I called Him a liar to His face tonight.  I lost my voice screaming at Him tonight.  My head hurts, I want to vomit, and I'm exhausted.

I don't really feel better...mostly still angry.  I told Him I wasn't leaving until He told me why.  Why did He give me this word years ago, then take me back to the word again, only to "remind" me that it never came to pass...Really?!?  WTF?????  Like I didn't know that already.  So so angry.

Let's see if He actually answers...me and Him...at an impasse right now...call it a crisis of faith, whatever you want to call it, I don't care.  This is my deal breaker.  He said be persistent, well, I have been.  It still hasn't come to pass.  I did EVERYTHING He told me to do!!  I gave up EVERYTHING He told me to give up.  I gave Him EVERYTHING I had.  And He lied.  It's not here.  There's nothing in sight.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!  That's what I kept yelling and screaming to Him.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

So I poured out all my rage and anger and hate.  And now I'm just tired.  So very tired.  As I was driving home, I contemplated suicide.  He promised.  I did everything He told me to.  Where is He??  Where is what He told me?!?  I thought, for a very very long moment, that me not being here doesn't really matter.  He's slowly taking things away is what it seems like.  One by one, people around me are dropping like flies.  Thanks for the reminder there God.  Makes me feel a whole helluva lot better there.  So, I thought about how easy it would be to not have to deal w/ this anymore.  So very very very tired of this.  Tired of the struggles, the hopelessness, just...a lot.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick"  I'm heart sick, and have been telling Him, asking Him, going before Him, like the woman w/ the issue of blood, going, "I know You can heal me! I know You can!  Why is this still here?!  I don't understand?!  I don't understand!!"

So there I am.  At the ledge one second away from jumping.  Which is why I'm staying out of the restroom w/ the bad stuff in there.  Wouldn't be wise.  Too much in the head right now.  Wishing someone would just come and give me a hug, lie to me and tell me it'll be okay.  I wouldn't believe them, but the lie works too.  Now you know...the struggle, the heartache, the hurt, the tears, the anger, the rage...everything so far.  I hate this.  I hate this part of my heart.  And I know it.  It sickens me to be at this point.  But I feel so desperate.  There's not much left...so here I am, God.  Waiting for Your answer...

And I don't know what to do anymore.  I've done everything I was supposed to...stayed in fellowship, worshipped, read and stayed in the Word, prayer, capturing thoughts...and still this massive anger, rage, depression....this gamut of feelings and things are just there building up inside me.  I feel so ready to explode sometimes.  Working with my kiddos is one of the happiest highlights of my day, because I can forget everything, all of it, all the emotion, and just love on them and let them love on me.

So that's where I'm at right now.  Angry at God.  About there at hating Him right now.

And going...You promised.  Are You a liar now too?

****UPDATE****
After calling a sis in Christ...I'm better.  Still churning.  Still can't breathe and almost voiceless.  But I'm much more calm.  Thanks.  I know it sucks having to talk me off the ledge sometimes, but I thank you for doing it even when you're busy.

Weight loss journey: Lesson learned

Okay, so this week has NOT been a good week in the dept of food.  Or exercise.  My last day of exercise was on Saturday morning, until tonight.

Not only that, but food...yeah, hasn't been very good either.

So today, of all days, even knowing that I'll be working out tonight...I went to the dark side and had chocolate.  Lots and lots of chocolate.  And pie.  And Chinese food.  And more pie.  And....well, you get the picture.  And I knew that when that weigh-in starts, if I do end up losing weight, it's by the sheer grace of God, as this week as been HORRIFIC with the general, healthy lifestyle.

So, what lesson did I learn today?  To not eat 30 minutes before a workout. haha  Felt like crap the whole entire workout.  My heart was pounding miserably out of my chest.  I was ready to die and give up.  And was feeling overly nauseous and about ready to toss the cookies, chocolate, pie, and Chinese food out of my tummy.  (Luckily that didn't happen.)

And once again I'm trying to attempt to get back on track.  Worked out tonight.  Working out tomorrow night.  And generally praying that the Lord/Holy Spirit will help me to say no to the horrible cravings of constant food intake, to once again going back to what I was doing...especially since I felt so much better than what I do tonight!

So, lesson learned.  When I fall, get right back up, and keep going.  I may have to take it at a slower pace since I kinda let loose for a bit, but as soon as I know it, I'll be back on track, and ready for more. :)