My soul sings.....3/17/14

I woke up at 2 am this morning with tears running down my face, my stomach clenched in pain, and the biggest pain in my heart.  "My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you."  This is on right now, knowing that within my heart is such a sharp, intense pain of sadness.

I woke up from a dream.  In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not.  Oh, how my heart grieved.  In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong.  He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person.  Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends.  And then I woke up.

Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now.  I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong.  My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that.  So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain.  I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.

He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished.  He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it.  The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer.  But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.

As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it.  He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis.  (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear.  I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at.  This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)

He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year.  How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families.  To show a God who does NOT judge.  To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments.  To be loved on, and love them in return.  He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education.  But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much.  Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do.  This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.

He reminded me of the ministry I have at home.  Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home.  He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day.  But also our garden, my garden.  Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list.  He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.

He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven.  ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)

As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity.  He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake.  The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams.  He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart.  But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.

So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships.  Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....

There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life

"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name.  The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name.  Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man.  You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name.  Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, Defender, You are my King."

My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him.  I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me.  But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him.  The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious.  Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh*  But I'm believing.  We're both believing.  And standing.  And praying.  And fighting.  And declaring healing over my body.

But I still sing praises.  I still sing my song of Love to Him.  I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior.  I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.

I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months.  Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together.  He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart.  My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.

"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power, 
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"

In all honestly, yes, I miss my friends so much.  I also understand just how hard it is to maintain those friendships over an hour away, one-way drive.  I also realize that Eric and I are choosing, instead, to put all our money into our debt, versus spending it on extra gas or dinners.  (I even stopped my very routine trips to Starbucks, knowing that spending $5 for a cup of coffee...well, that $5 could go towards something much more meaningful, like our savings account...)

All in all, I understand why I've chosen to do what we've done.  We've a goal in mind, and we are determined to reach it one way or another.

I guess, in a way, this dream was a way to allow me to say goodbye to one life, and hello to another.  Not that I'm getting rid of relationships, by any means. But instead, gaining a new life, renewed friendships, and a heart that is ever changing, ever growing, always being molded.  My heart still wants to maintain friendships and relationships, but also asking Him how I can do it, when I'm so far away that I actually tell people I live out of town! :0)

Hmm...I smell an amazing wind blowing again.  And I rest in the arms of my Savior, my Lover, my Comforter, my King, my Abba.

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You, Jesus.  I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, Jesus."

My ugly

Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:

http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people

After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home.  All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.

Lemme give you a few examples:

1. The comparison game.  All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody.  If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you.  (which will lead to example 2 in a minute)  Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women.  What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not.  Insane, I know.  And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.

2. Pride.  Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have.  Well, I'm not denying it.  As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there.  That damn sneaky little thing.

3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist).  Yeah, I said it.  What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life?  But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?

All of this to say, I'm struggling.  With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning.  Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable.  At times.

And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus.  I'm so so sorry."  Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.  Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry.  I'm sorry that I've drifted away.  I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience.  I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out.  But today, this morning, I took it out.  And saw it clearly.  And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere.  (disgusting, I know, but get over it)

I allowed things that I never should have.  And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him.  So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go.  Because if I don't, I'll drown under them.  And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me.  So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope.  My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored.  That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.

No, this journey isn't over yet.  And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today.  But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all.  And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing.  Because He loves me.  And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.

Whew...

"Perfect love casts out all fear"  And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.

So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning.  Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination.  And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."


And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.

You promised...and an update/thank you

Spending 45 minutes yelling, crying and screaming at God.  "YOU PROMISED ME!  YOU PROMISED ME!" And being so angry at Him.  Screaming out, "I hate You.  You lied to me.  YOU PROMISED ME!"  And all this rage and bitterness and anger just came out.

One thing...I didn't realize how angry I was at Him.  I still am.  I look around me to see Him answering people in this area left and right, all around me, and yet He's been promising me for 3 years...AND NOTHING.  So yeah, I called Him a liar to His face tonight.  I lost my voice screaming at Him tonight.  My head hurts, I want to vomit, and I'm exhausted.

I don't really feel better...mostly still angry.  I told Him I wasn't leaving until He told me why.  Why did He give me this word years ago, then take me back to the word again, only to "remind" me that it never came to pass...Really?!?  WTF?????  Like I didn't know that already.  So so angry.

Let's see if He actually answers...me and Him...at an impasse right now...call it a crisis of faith, whatever you want to call it, I don't care.  This is my deal breaker.  He said be persistent, well, I have been.  It still hasn't come to pass.  I did EVERYTHING He told me to do!!  I gave up EVERYTHING He told me to give up.  I gave Him EVERYTHING I had.  And He lied.  It's not here.  There's nothing in sight.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!  That's what I kept yelling and screaming to Him.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

So I poured out all my rage and anger and hate.  And now I'm just tired.  So very tired.  As I was driving home, I contemplated suicide.  He promised.  I did everything He told me to.  Where is He??  Where is what He told me?!?  I thought, for a very very long moment, that me not being here doesn't really matter.  He's slowly taking things away is what it seems like.  One by one, people around me are dropping like flies.  Thanks for the reminder there God.  Makes me feel a whole helluva lot better there.  So, I thought about how easy it would be to not have to deal w/ this anymore.  So very very very tired of this.  Tired of the struggles, the hopelessness, just...a lot.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick"  I'm heart sick, and have been telling Him, asking Him, going before Him, like the woman w/ the issue of blood, going, "I know You can heal me! I know You can!  Why is this still here?!  I don't understand?!  I don't understand!!"

So there I am.  At the ledge one second away from jumping.  Which is why I'm staying out of the restroom w/ the bad stuff in there.  Wouldn't be wise.  Too much in the head right now.  Wishing someone would just come and give me a hug, lie to me and tell me it'll be okay.  I wouldn't believe them, but the lie works too.  Now you know...the struggle, the heartache, the hurt, the tears, the anger, the rage...everything so far.  I hate this.  I hate this part of my heart.  And I know it.  It sickens me to be at this point.  But I feel so desperate.  There's not much left...so here I am, God.  Waiting for Your answer...

And I don't know what to do anymore.  I've done everything I was supposed to...stayed in fellowship, worshipped, read and stayed in the Word, prayer, capturing thoughts...and still this massive anger, rage, depression....this gamut of feelings and things are just there building up inside me.  I feel so ready to explode sometimes.  Working with my kiddos is one of the happiest highlights of my day, because I can forget everything, all of it, all the emotion, and just love on them and let them love on me.

So that's where I'm at right now.  Angry at God.  About there at hating Him right now.

And going...You promised.  Are You a liar now too?

****UPDATE****
After calling a sis in Christ...I'm better.  Still churning.  Still can't breathe and almost voiceless.  But I'm much more calm.  Thanks.  I know it sucks having to talk me off the ledge sometimes, but I thank you for doing it even when you're busy.

What I've Overcome

So, I first heard this song yesterday as I was driving into work.  And I realized that I've found my "battle" song...my song for this season.
Every time I hear this song, my spirit literally jumps and goes, here it is.  So, let me post the lyrics, then I'll explain. :)

What I've Overcome lyrics

I've got this passion
It's something I can't describe
It's so electric
It's like I've just come alive

I feel this freedom 
Now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I've found the meaning of grace
(I found grace)

If only you come see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I know I'll stumble
I know I'll still face defeat
These second chances will define me

So I'm moving forward
I'm standing on my two feet
I've got momentum
I've got someone saving me
(got someone saving me)

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it finally feels to break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I make mistakes and I might fall
But I won't break
I've got someone saving me

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome

"Funny how words can't explain, How good it finally feels to break the chains, I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome"

It's taken me 2 years to get to this point.  Two very long, very heart-wrenching years.  Through the battles, the trials, the mistakes, the tears, the anger and rage, the weeping and mourning, words can't explain how good it feels to finally break the chains.  Even now, as I type, I feel tears just forming and pouring out.  Tears of rejoicing, looking back and realizing just how much I've overcome.

"If only you could see me yesterday, Who I used to be before the change, I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome"

So many people have told me they see such a change in me; all for His glory and good.  And others, who sometimes think they know me, see Him in me and mistake it for me.  All I've got to say to that, is I wish you could have seen me in those yesterdays, in the struggles, the battles, the rages, the tears, the heartache, the depression, the calls to my counselor and spiritual parents, the snot rags everywhere as I let lose a lifetime of crap I had been holding in for so long.  "If only you could see me yesterday, you'd see a broken heart, you'd see the battle scars."  And there are so many battle scars.  Even now, I wear a battle scar to this day.

But I'm believing that "I won't break because I've got someone saving me".  I'm believing that I'm what I've overcome.

So, with that being said...

My prayer for you:

You realize and understand your own battle scars, and that you get the revelation that you are what you have overcome.  If you've overcome fear, you are a FAITH-FILLED person.  If you've overcome the lies that life has to be lived in poverty, you are WALKING IN ABUNDANCE.  If you've overcome the lies of ugly, fat, unworthy, you are A DAUGHTER/SON OF THE MOST HIGH KING, THE APPLE OF HIS EYE, BEAUTIFUL AND BELOVED, LONGED FOR, PRECIOUS AND DESIRED.

That you realize you are NOT what you have done, but that, through the breaking of chains, you are what you've overcome.

Scream Session: Hanging it out there

Tonight, I had a scream session with God.  It went something like this:

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
God: .....
Me: sobbing and hitting the bed over and over again...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
God: ...............
Me: IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God: ..........Let it all out now, honey.......
Me: I HATE THIS. I CAN'T STAND THIS. I'M SICK OF IT. I'M DONE.  I WANT OUT! YOU SAID (which I will not state for the world), AND YET IT'S STILL THE SAME DAMN THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN?! WTF?????? (yes, people, I swear in moments of anger/rage...pretty sure He can take it...just needed to let it all out...and still working on it)
God: Anything else, my love?
Me: I feel sick.  I want to throw up.
God: No.
Me: Why can't You just make this easy?  Instead, I do everything I can to (will not state, again), and it seems that at every chance I finally (will not state), the world of s*** happens and opens up the floodgates for more s***.
God: Do you love Me?
Me: .........(looooooong pause here, due to anger and frustration)................. Yes.  Sometimes I'd rather not.  Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I had never known You in the first place.  Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I never became a believer.  But even in those moments, I know that I can't help but love You.  Because I still feel You here.  I KNOW You're here, even when it doesn't seem like it.
God: Then just love Me.  When that's all you have the energy for, all I want from you is your love.  That's it.
Me: But how am I ever going to (will not state)????????

And this is where this conversation stops.  I know it's because in my heart, in my mind, I don't see a way.  Mathematically speaking, there isn't.  There really really isn't.  Unless I win the lottery.  Or an orchard of money trees suddenly appears in my bedroom.  Mathematically, there is no way in this world that I can ever catch up to where I need to be, and not still be where I am today.  Even if I were to increase in certain areas, in all actuality, it would still be the same.  I've done the math of this this week.  No matter what, it'd still be the same, but probably worse, as certain things would be taken away due to other certain things from the past.

So, tonight, I had a scream session.  It's been awhile.

I put on music, blared it the loudest I could stand it, and just screamed and cried and sobbed and snotted.

Do I feel better?  Not really, truth be told.  I just feel tired.  I just want to throw up.  My chest hearts as if an anxiety attack is right around the corner.  And all I can imagine myself doing is curling in a ball and rocking back and forth.

Truth be told, it hasn't been this bad in several months...

And as I type, in my mind I'm going, why in the world am I sharing all of this???
And then I hear the answer: Because so many times we as believers put on the happy face, the joyful face, the face that tells the world it's all good, nothing's wrong, yada yada yada yada yada.  When in reality, we're screaming inside, we're hurting, we're questioning, we're doubting, we're having our moment(s) in the desert.
And I'm tired of always portraying that everything's hunky dory.  Doesn't mean I want to word vomit everywhere, but I want people to realize that we ALL struggle, no matter how strong you think a person is, WE ALL STRUGGLE.

Which is probably why we are to pray for one another, to sing psalms and hymns to each other.  Because we're not always going to be joyful.  We don't always want to hear that perfect Christian answer (I know that right now, I'd like to beat anyone who would suggest a nice Christian answer.)
So in this writing, I hope I'm giving others hope...

That they're not the only ones who have scream sessions with God
They're not the only ones who have their desert moments
Who wonder what in heaven is going on
Who wonder where God is at times
They're not the only ones that just want to scream and sob and flail and throw/hit things

Does any of that make it better?
No, not really.
But I know that, in reality, even now, I feel that weight lifting.

Why?
Because I shed light into that dark place, that rage that most people don't get to see.
I'm letting go of the facade and being real.
I'm choosing to believe, though I don't see it, understand it, and yes, sometimes doubt it, that somehow, He will make a way.  I don't know how.  Short of absolute forgiveness of my debts, there is no way to ever catch up.  But if I don't believe that He'll make a way, honestly, I know that I'll lose hope.  And then I'll just quit.  Because there's only so much that can be taken without short of a meltdown.

So, God, here's my meltdown.  You saw it.  You heard it.
And I don't know why You're having me share all of this...
But I hope that somewhere, this shows somebody that they're not alone amid crappy circumstances.

*sigh*
All I want, my Abba, is to be free.  Free from debt, free from all the crappy onion layers that are yet to come...just free.

Yeah, not the usual peppy blog tonight.

Sometimes I wish...

You know, sometimes, just sometimes, I wish you would realize what you're saying.  And how it's coming it.  Sometimes, I wish you'd understand that you could have said no, too, instead of just agreeing for agreeing sake. Sometimes, I wish you'd not take your bad mood out on others, and that you'd stop making comments that seem to me passive aggressive.
Just because we're different, and we do things differently, doesn't mean that I'm wrong, or that you're wrong.  It just means we're different, and sometimes I really wish you'd be okay with that.  Sometimes, I wish you would stop acting as if my differences are beneath you, just because I do things differently, make decisions differently, follow my heart differently.
If you're upset with me, or angry with me, I wish you would just come out and say it.  I hate feeling like, after your bad mood, you have decided to see me and vomit on me.  This is why I tend to stay away, far far far far far far away, from you sometimes.  I'd rather not be made to feel like I've done something wrong, like a child.  Because that's the way you treat me.  I'm not like the others you severely dislike.  Instead, I'm me.  Accept me for me.  Why does it seem like you only accept the good parts of me when needed, or when it suits you, but then when I show weakness, or struggle, or differences, you turn away.  Especially when I do things differently than you.
I don't want to be part of this anymore.  I don't want to live like this anymore.  Everything in me wants to push you away, and to just let you be.  I'm trying really hard, at moments, to not put up blocks and walls around my heart.  But you don't always make it easy.
All that to say, sometimes, just sometimes, I wish things could be different between us.  I wish you could understand that I don't want to be you, I want to be me.  I wish you could understand that neither of us are right or wrong, but instead, we need each other, and that the more and harder you push, the more I want to give up on you, turn away, and let you be.  I wish you could understand that my priorities and visions are different than yours, and be okay with that, be accepting of that.  Instead, sometimes you treat those things as if they're beneath you, or they don't matter, and that translates to I don't matter.  I wish you could see how much that hurts.  How much my heart grieves to hear that.  And how much I want to wrap my heart back into it's little corner.  And to runaway from you.
I wish you could see all that.
But in your brokenness, you can't.  In your hurt, your tiredness, your barrenness, you can't see past the pain, the hurt, the heartache.
And my heart grieves for you. My spirit grieves for you.  And my prayer is, is that you begin to rise up, heal, take your place in this world, and see for yourself what a magnificent creation He has made each one of us, despite faults, dents, viewpoints, opinions and differences.
Jesus loves you more than I, and for that, I praise Him.  Because that means I'm learning to love you the way He does.