Tonight was most definitely one of those. It was interesting, tonight. When one of the words given was seeing a commissioning being released onto people's shoulders...and immediately, my heart began to cry out, "Jesus, what have you called me to do? What have you commissioned for me to do? I don't understand. Everything's been changing so fast. There's so much going on. You've taken out the old, and are trying to replace new things, new mindsets, new identity." And on and on. Just...struggling for a bit. A dear friend of mine hit the head on the nail...He took out all the crap, and now I'm having to relearn how to fill it up w/ the good stuff, the healthy stuff, the God stuff. Which isn't easy.
So, tonight, as a couple at class came and asked how I liked tonight's teaching, I just broke down and cried. And shared what my heart was crying out. For help in this area. For wanting to understand what He's done in me this past 2 years. For trying to relearn/undo/renew things/mindsets. So, they poured into me. Gave me several words. Which I don't mind sharing here (it has a purpose, I promise!):
- difference maker
- servant's heart
- mountain of Son-shine
- rest in Him--no anxiety
- bulldog tenacity
- big heart
There was a bit more, but honestly, I don't remember all of it. That was the gist of it, though.
Which lead me to another question...one that I knew no one but my Abba Father could answer. One that I've been asking secretly in my heart, but, as the word given to me on Saturday night (oh wait...just realized I probably didn't share that yet...so, here it is:
He sees your heart, and how you've been asking for things in your heart, without ever opening your mouth. And He hears what you've been asking Him for. He wants you to ask Him. He delights in giving you what you ask Him for.
The gist of that being that it was time for me to open my mouth and begin to verbalize everything that's been jumbling in my heart for a very, very long time. Things that I only shared in writing, or while exercising...things that I had never verbalized, but knew He had heard.)
Anywho, back to the story...the one question that I've been pondering over and over and over again...
Who do YOU say I am?
I know. Most people would be, like, "Alex, you struggle with that?!" Well, duh. I'm human too! LOL I'm not some super-spiritual person that has my act together. I can be just as messed up and screwed up as everyone else. But thank God for His amazing grace and mercy and love!!! :) And for new mind-skins. :)
Okay, back again to the story...
So, tonight, came home, and knew that it was time to ask that question out loud. To finally listen to what He had to say. You see, for a very long time, I'd ask Him the question, and think I'd actually "get it", but not really. It was still only head knowledge. This time, I asked Him to make it heart knowledge too. To REALLY show me, no holds barred, who I am.
41 minutes later, 200+ calories burned, I got my answer. And yes, I'll share that with you too. :)
- overcomer
- forerunner
- precious
- jeweled
- healed
- delivered
- unburdened
- beautiful---beauty
- extravagant lover
- worshipper
- clean--in right standing with Me
- My heart
- joy
- unsatisfied--hungry for more of Me
- challenger of the status quo
- grace
The one phrase I had been waiting to hear from Him. I had kept that part of my heart hidden...never really telling anyone how much I struggled with seeing Him as "safe". PTL the big brother DM has been helping me with that, more probably than he even realizes...
But I finally felt a snap in my heart, an untwisting of something that was knotted in it. It was that little girl part of my heart asking Him, "Can I trust You? Are You a safe place for me to go, and not be hurt?" And I got my answer.
He's safe. He's MY safe place.
Which leads me to my challenge. You see, that 2nd list above there, well, that's who He says I am. Not quite what I expected! hahaha I thought I was going to get some nice, pat Bible answers. But instead, of gave me words that are as unique that I am. And then told me to find them in the scriptures. LOL Only my Abba Father would send me on a treasure hunt like that. :)
Now, comes my challenge to all of you who read this.
I challenge you...
I triple dog dare you...
To ask Him the same question that I asked Him:
Who do YOU say I am??
And then wait for an answer. And then, post your answer as a comment, reply, whatev.
Share it. Because I promise, others will begin to confirm what He's telling you. It's a wonderful part of your testimony.
So, beloveds...
I look forward to seeing just what He says to you.
And know, that even now, I'm praying for each one of you...to know who you are, and who He is in you. To change your mind-skin to what HE has to say, not what anyone else says. To begin to see through His eyes just how special and unique you are. And to step out in faith and boldness, and become the man and woman He has called you to be. And I pray that you have a new understanding that I love each one of you, am praying over you, and know that I struggle just like you do. Which makes us family in the kingdom of God. :)
Looking forward to your testimonies!! :)
Alex
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