Things Unseen.....1/7/16

Life has been...different.  It's been...weird, to say the least.  I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet.  A different stress.  A different life.

By all means, please don't hear complaint.  I'm not complaining.  It's different.

I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek.  And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.

You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless.  I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.

There, I said it.  Depression.  The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.

I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face.  Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down.  I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years.  The last one was...terrifying.

I remember the first time it happened.  I almost committed suicide.  I was ready to give up, give in.  Instead, He brought me to Jesus.  It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace.  If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.

Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction.  Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place.  He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light.  He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me.  He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance.  This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.

Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different.  It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing.  The darkness name: sexual abuse.  I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it.  The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness.  I was...broken.  I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing.  To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this.  Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive.  Some days are better than others.  Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come.  The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything.  So, some nights, some days are better than others.  My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare.  (This a few years later, after the counseling.)

After counseling, I was...free.  God opened so many doors, so many friendships.  He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.

Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness.  The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.

And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!

With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT!  He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning.  He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley.  As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful.  To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.

Hold on, Beloved.  Hold on.  FIGHT!  Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in.  Instead, make a way for Me!  Instead, worship Me!  Instead, honor Me!  Instead, love Me!  AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU!  I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!

With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus!  Yes!!  I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope.  Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You.  I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed.  I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.

Above all...I will love.  I will love.

My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  FIGHT!  Believe!  Seek!  And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness.  There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.

One minute at a time....6/1/14

It's been awhile since I've last posted.  My previous one was most definitely a rant that I kept to myself. :)

Anywho....

I can't believe it's been 10 months since Eric and I got married.  We were talking earlier this weekend, and we both agree--it feels like it's been so much longer, but in such a good way.  I love my husband.  The man who cooked me breakfast and added extra turkey bacon 'cause I wanted.  He made the coffee for me, and he let me sleep in knowing just how tired I was.

The same man who's shampooing our bedroom carpet right now as we had a mini-flood happen on our floor.

The same man who gives me hugs when I asks, does GREAT back and feet massages, and who loves me unconditionally through the worst of my more dramatic moments.

All that to say....

It seems lately God has been hammering a singular theme into my life this past month.  "One minute at a time; one moment; one day."  Basically, it's all about the baby steps.  Sometimes I expect so much more out of myself than anyone else.  I put all of this added stress to try to get things perfect "just right".  And I have allowed myself to forget that it's okay to breathe in those little moments.  It's okay that not everything gets done all at once because I said so in one day.  I have had to admit, multiple times, that I am not superwoman.  I've tried to be.  Ask my hubby and staff.

I've tried to get everything perfect, lined up, ducks in a row.  I've tried to present that facade everything is okay, I can handle this attitude.  When, clearly, I can't.  From stress at work (deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, staff, deadlines, children, deadlines, deadlines, etc.) to stress at trying to maintain a home to "perfect" standards...

I'm sitting here with maybe 8 hours sleep under my belt this entire week.  And I'm thinking...I can't do this.

My thought process on this isn't real.

Something has to change.

So, I grab my 2nd cup of coffee, and I sit, and I write.  Only to realize....you know what, if it's not immaculately clean...it will be okay.

The chore chart has helped SOOOOO MUCH!!!!  It's allowed my life at home to be a bit more manageable, and less likely for me to pull my hair out every time I see something that needs to be done.

In essence, because we've broken up everything that needs to get done around the house between Eric and I, and between 6 days of the week....maintaining the house has been easier.  Keeping things CLEANER (I can't say it's completely clean) has been easier too.

What's the point of all this, you ask?

No matter what journey you are on, stop beating yourself up.  Stop expecting perfectionism.  Stop expecting others to be perfect.  Stop setting expectations of things so high, that you don't realize that you need to come down to Earth just a wee bit.  (Not saying lower them....just be REALISTIC with them.)  Let that Holy Spirit voice that we tend to push to the background have a bit louder of a say so.  Listen to the way you talk to yourself...if all you can do is put yourself down because of your imperfections, maybe it's time to realize that those same imperfections are what make you unique.

Above anything else, forgive yourself for feeling like you should be doing it all.  Because you can't.  No one can.  Not really.

And it's okay to admit that.  It's okay to admit that you need help, accountability and friendship along the way.  It's okay to fall off the wagon.  Just make sure you get back up and try it again.  And again.  And again.  Don't beat yourself up over falling.  Beat yourself up for not picking yourself back up again.  Or for giving up.

Anywho....that's all for now.  Just some thoughts as the shampoo thingy is running, the coffee is in my hand, and the pressure canner is slowly winding down. :)

-af

6 Months Progress Report: 4-17-13 to 5-17-13

SIX MONTHS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh my golly!!  I can't believe it's been six months since this journey has started.  Half a year.  Almost to my birthday soon.  Half a year.  And man, has it been a battle!! Been I have made it this far, and for the most part, have kept it off!!  Hall-le-freakin-lujah!!

It's been six months of ups, downs, inside outs, and so much more.  This month has been the hardest of it all, I think.  So much has been going on, both physically, mentally and emotionally.  Needless to say, that means spiritually too.

From work schedule, to school schedule, to more work schedule, and then personal life happens, and so does the crap from it all.  All of that, and still able to lose 4.8 lbs this month.  And that's with inconsistent workouts due to all of the scheduling issues.

Man, is my God good!! :)

NSVs:

1. When I tried on jeans last month from my "new to me" side of the closet, they fit perfectly.  Now, they fit loose. :)

2.  My hips no longer touch the sides of the arc trainer.  AT ALL.  Period.  Nada.  No rub off!!  I've waited 6 long freakin' months to stop having friction burns on my hips! lol

3.  When I go grocery shopping, I now constantly look at the nutrition facts, and base my eating habits of buying stuff from reading labels, figuring out what foods are good for me, etc.  I plan my meals the same way.  That's been a HUGE change from even just a few months ago.  It has become 2nd nature to look at the label, and if it's not good for me, put it back.  I've even stopped buying sweets for the most part (minus the frozen yogurt from healthy choice! haha).  Actually, my sweet tooth has lessened considerably.  I tend to only have dessert if I go out w/ someone, and even then don't eat most of it.  I haven't been eating as much chocolate (except for yesterday....yesterday was a bad day and I needed my cocoa people!), and haven't been craving it as much either. :)  Ah, the changing of the taste buds!

4.  19.25" down since November 17, 2012. :)

5.  I'm lasting about 1.25 miles in my walk/jog intervals.  Last month was maybe a mile.  Maybe.  Usually between .8-.9 miles. :)

6.  My ankles look cute in my running shoes.  Yes, this is important to me. :) lol

7.  My head has shrunk.  Yay! :)  So has the fat around my neck.  Double yay!  Soon, no more double chin!!  Sa-weet!!!

8.  I'm learning to control my emotions through exercise, rather than through food.  This is a HUGE victory for me.  Some days are better than others, of course, but still.  To long for a run and not a burger or a giant candy bar....that is a complete 180 from where I was at.

And now, pictures I can be proud of, the further you go down! lol

Oct/Nov 2012:

Dec 2012:

January 2013:

February 2013:

March 2013:

April 2013:

May 2013:

I'll post a few more from the past month later. :)

And tomorrow, the big Biggest Loser RunWalk Off-Road Challenge.  Mud, running,obstacles.  Dude, I'm excited!!! :)

Until next month!

Oh...and I OFFICIALLY made it to my 20 lb mark, and have kept it off. :)  Now to my 30 lb mark baby!! :)

Mental victory...FOR THE WIN! :).....11-20-12

Today I pushed myself to get up, get out and move.  I don't regret it.

But I will say, I had some seriously hilarious moments today that were linked to something that happened on Friday.

You see, what had happened was...(in honor of the bestie, had to use that one! haha)

Was heading into Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies for my classes, and this guy is walking towards us.  There's this other lady coming up behind me in the parking lot, and I kinda notice he's checking one of us out.  (My thought process immediately goes to the other lady, though I hadn't seen her yet. Still working on that image thing!)  So, I keep walking, thinking nothing of it, when the lady catches up with me, the man passes by, and 5 seconds later she busts out with, "Ohh girl he was checking you out!!  He turned back around!!"  I about died laughing.  At the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Anywho, I just dismissed it, texted my bestie, and laughed about it some more as I continued my day.

And then it so happened again today.  At the gym.  The one place I wouldn't think to be checked out, 'cause, well, I'm the "fat girl", and all these beautiful skinny gals are surrounding me at the treadmills.  (Now don't yell at me for that one...)

The guy in front and to the right of me keeps turning around and looking at me as I'm doing my cardio stuff.  Finally, he leaves just as I start my intervals.  Well, 20 minutes later, HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME, hanging on and just looking my way.  When he realizes I've noticed, he looks away and kinda sneaks off somewhere...

I could've been seriously creeped out by this (okay, I admit, I kinda was).  I could've had a "moment" (due to the past), but I didn't.  Instead, I just smiled and laughed inside.  And kept on going with my workout. :)

For me, that's a victory.  I should probably explain why.  One of the reasons...the biggest reason...why I've put on so much weight has been as a protection.  To my old way of thinking, if I am fat and big and ugly, no man would ever look at me, thus no man would ever sexually abuse me ever again.  And the biggest trigger to going back to old, unhealthy habits is when guys, any guy, starts noticing me.  The nightmares come back, the food binges come back, and overall I'm right back where I used to be.  Tonight, I shrugged it off, told myself, "Man, I'm looking good tonight!  Let's do this and keep on going!!  Let's push it!" and without a backward thought (except to laugh and move on)  I kept on going and didn't let it affect me.

That, that right there, is a victory in some serious heart healing. :)  And a great mental victory as well!  Woohoo!!

Looking forward to continuing this journey... :) 

Keep your eyes open

Today, well, the past few days, I've felt this need to write.  And write some more.

To write what was on my heart.  To let go of some things.  To just...unburden myself.  And allow all of the emotions to flow.  That's one of the things I was told I was good at...writing down my emotions.  I can't always express them, but when I write, everything just seems to flow from pen to paper.

Today was no different.  As I sat at my desk, getting ready for the holiday festivities, I finally picked up my stationary set and pen and just let everything flow.

Doubts.  Fears.  Anger.  Tears.  And longing.  So much longing.

And as I sat and wrote, this song kept playing in my head:

And over and over, the whisper of His voice as I wrote...to not give up, to keep on going.  To keep my eyes open.  To not let go.  To not lose hope.  Even amidst my frustration and angst.  "'cause if you never leave home never let go you'll never make it to the great unknown...so show me your fire, show me your heart, you know I'll never let you fall apart, if you keep your eyes open, my love"

And I just burst into tears.  This past week just hit me.  The ending of something.  Well, more than one thing. And how so many changes have come up.  And that yeah, right now, my heart feels a bit broken and shattered at the realization that I need to let go of some things.

But I'm also reminded to not give up hope, even when that's all I want to do in my flesh.  To keep holding on.  To keep my eyes open.

But also to keep walking in Him.  In His light.  His voice.  His love.  "So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love"

 All of that to say...

If you're at the point where you're so frustrated, and you want to give in....

When all you see is the darkness around you....

When you've lost hope in the promises given, or the words spoken...

Keep your eyes open.

Keep them focused on Him.

Don't look away.

Don't give up.

Crawl if you must.

Dig into the ground and elbow your way through the muck.

But keep your eyes open.

The mountain may seem large, but I promise, it's not.

It may seem unsurmountable, unattainable...

But it's not.

Because I serve a God who makes all things possible.

Paves a way where there is none.

Opens the floodgates of hope when we choose to keep our eyes on Him.

Not on our circumstances.

Not on our status quo.

Not on our relationship(s), or lack of them.

But when we are so focused on Him,

His eyes,

His heart,

His face,

His voice.

When we are so focused on Him,

That's all we say.

So, today, I'm letting that be my anthem, my theme, for this season, as I allow my heart to feel emotions, to break, to cry, to tear, to anger, and to doubt.  I'm remembering that through it all, my eyes will still remain focused on Him.

And that brings me a comfort, a peace, a joy....that I can't even begin to describe.

Because I know that, ultimately, this leads to another chain broken, another thing being set free.  Another petal in my flower to be allowed to bloom.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

And all that is within me, praise and bless His holy name.

What I learned from making pancakes

It cracks me up that I always tended to learn the best lessons while salivating concocting chewing cooking up yummy delicious food. :)  This morning was no exception.

I woke up refreshed, with plenty of sleep under my belt (almost a total of 20 hours from Friday night and last night).  Woke up with a song in my head: "Isn't She Lovely", by Stevie Wonder.  And this is the part that was playing nonstopirritatinglyrepeatedly over and over :

Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
But isn't she lovely made from love


Anywho...I've been singing that all morning.  So now I have the Stevie Wonder playlist playing on my Spotify account...and I digress from the story.


Okay...back at it now...


Not only did I wake up w/ that song in my head, but I woke up happy and content, and in a mood to bake.  Now, when I get in this mood, you might want to watch out.  The kitchen becomes a disaster area work zone, and the house smells like the witch's house in Hansel and Gretel really yummy.  So, went on pinterest and became anal about organization a much better organizer and organized my Favorite Recipes board.  Into various catergories...desserts, main dishes, crock pot, etc.  You get the gist.


Anywho, found this awesome recipe for Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookie pancakes...made w/ no sugar. :)  So, the bake cook was on! haha


Got my handy dandy apron, and began to cook.  And all of a sudden (happens like that a lot lately), I could hear Him begin to talk to me...about pancakes...and dough...


Making the pancakes, and looking at the batter and how, well, weird it looked.  All these clumps and lumps and just...well, ugly.  I mean, it tasted good.  But for a moment, I was wondering how in the world will that weird-clumpy-looking batter is supposed to turn out like the picture on Pinterest?!


Which He then reminded me about some things:


1. I'm made of lumps and clumps and things that aren't very "pretty".  We all are.  But it's those very things that make us unique.  Makes our story unique in and of itself.  Those things we have to deal with, that help us understand just what our calling is, how He's placed us in the body.  For example, one of those lumps was my addiction to pornography and romance novels.  Now, I know I am free and called to help others to that same freedom.


2.  The heat makes what looked ugly into something beautiful and delicious.  Without the heat, the pressure, the bubbles, the storm of sizzling butter in the pan, those lumps and clumps wouldn't be turned into something yummy, nutritious and really good to eat.  Without the heat and pressure, without that refining fire, we aren't able to turn into something that's infinitely more precious BECAUSE of the lumps, what was inside that batter.  The batter is what makes the food unique in and of itself.  You changed one ingredient in the batter, and you've created a whole 'nother recipe.  Same with us.  If you changed one part of your story, the outcome would/could/possibly be different.


3.  It's when I'm in the kitchen, baking and cooking for the fun of it, that I'm most happy, content and thriving.  It's when I'm in that place that everything in my head gets quiet, my hands are busy, and my heart is ready to listen.  I always thought it was during worship...and to some degree it is...but this season, I think because my hands have been busy doing things, that He's been taking time out of something I love, and "making" me listen.  I knew baking was a passion of mine, I just don't think I realized just exactly why it was.  :)


And then He put it all together...


How I'm like that batter...and how I see myself...and the way I NEED to see myself and this journey.  There's so much that makes me who I am, so much that I'm STILL trying to figure out, as I flounder at things, excel at others, and generally learn what most people have learned in their teen years...  And most often than not, I feel like that ugly batter, like nothing beautiful could ever come out of it.  And that there are so many lumps and bumps and clumps and hodge-podge messes that for the life of me I can't figure out how He'll make it into the picture He's showing/shown myself and others.  But then He reminds me that, despite what I think, I'll eventually get there.  It just may take a lot more fire than I realized.  A lot more baking/cooking/marinating.  And that I need to be patient.  To not demand so much in so quick a time.  (Seems like patience has been my downfall lately...or lack thereof.)  And that I'll EVENTUALLY get where I need to be, and that it's okay to take it slow.  That He knows exactly what He's doing, and that He's a gentleman while doing it.


And not only that, but it's okay when a few more GOOD bumps come along...like chocolate chips in the batter, the added sweetness of life's amazing moments (such as holding hands for the first time in my life with a man) adds character, moments and memories that are good. :)


Then He took me back to remembering some things regarding DN, that these past 2 1/2 months have been good, despite the heartbreak that went with ending a potential relationship (knowing that he was not the one for me, after much prayer and counsel and wisdom).  And He reminded me of the things learned, the confidence built and the fact that I faced my fear of men, and survived.


And as tears begin to form and leak, the realization that, despite my moments of wanting to bang my head against the wall, He's forming something beautiful and yummy, something fragrant and delicious...something that, in the end, will bloom and turn into that butterfly, that flower, those amazing chocolate chip oatmeal cookie pancakes, that is sweet, beautiful and lovely.  It just takes more time, more marinating and a bit more heat. :)


All in all, I think a lovely lesson to learn this morning as I sit and bask in His presence...and dance to "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes. :)

My ugly

Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:

http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people

After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home.  All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.

Lemme give you a few examples:

1. The comparison game.  All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody.  If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you.  (which will lead to example 2 in a minute)  Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women.  What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not.  Insane, I know.  And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.

2. Pride.  Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have.  Well, I'm not denying it.  As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there.  That damn sneaky little thing.

3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist).  Yeah, I said it.  What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life?  But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?

All of this to say, I'm struggling.  With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning.  Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable.  At times.

And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus.  I'm so so sorry."  Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.  Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry.  I'm sorry that I've drifted away.  I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience.  I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out.  But today, this morning, I took it out.  And saw it clearly.  And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere.  (disgusting, I know, but get over it)

I allowed things that I never should have.  And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him.  So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go.  Because if I don't, I'll drown under them.  And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me.  So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope.  My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored.  That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.

No, this journey isn't over yet.  And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today.  But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all.  And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing.  Because He loves me.  And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.

Whew...

"Perfect love casts out all fear"  And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.

So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning.  Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination.  And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."


And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.

The most awful day...and what I learned from it :)

Today has probably been the worst day of meltdown I've ever had.

Today has been the most stressful, hectic, awfullest day ever.

Today has been...

...unexpectedly filled w/ some serious blessings.  Despite everything.  Despite the drama, the craziness, the insaneness.

I sat here after work, and just began to veg out, praying, trying to find up from down, left from right.  And just more and more praying.  Put on some dance music, and then just prayed some more.  Yeah, lots of praying, I know.

And then I just started letting everything out to Him.  About the day, the situation, the issues, the wanting to just scream w/ frustration at how things are going down right now, at lost things...

And then, as I sat here, I got an unexpected message.  From a guy.  One that I'm slowly getting to know better as we talk here and there.  And I must admit...it made my day.  Not because it was anything unique, but because it was just really nice to hold a conversation and just let the joy begin to bubble out as I talked about likes, hobbies, Jesus, you know. :) lol  And then a friend just praying over me as I poured everything out.  Even some tears.  And lots of frustrations.

I have come to the realization that once I talk, and let things out, everything in my world begins to right itself.  Or more like, my perspective and truths begin to align once again w/ the Word.  But it takes me talking it out, and realizing, wait a minute, this doesn't align w/ the Word, to begin to understand just what needs to be done.

And sometimes, it takes prompting from someone who won't let me hide.  Which is what I was kinda doing once I got home.  I stayed in my room and just...vegged...and read.  And talked.  And danced.  And prayed.  (Sorry for not answering the phone, MC.  Kinda put the phone on ignore for a bit while I sat and vegged out.)

All that to say, though the situation(s) aren't resolved...I'm at a nice, peaceful state.  Knowing that the truth will come out and stand strong in these situations.

So, thanks friends.  And Jesus.  Who knew a little country and dance music, plus a lot of praying, would make me understand how I handle seriously intense emotions?! haha :)  And that I wasn't made to hide things in the dark, especially my emotions.  Not built that way.  And that I learn a lot about myself, about people, and about Jesus when I stop, take a moment to reflect on things, talk it out, then have the "ah-ha" moment where I'm like, "Jesus, You got this.  Why am I so stressed/frustrated/concerned/worried/anxious?  Who better to deal w/ all of this than You??"

And then the joy gets restored.  And all is right with the world again.  'Cause joy and Jesus are in the same sentence in my heart and head after that. :) haha

!!! & YAAAAY & UGH! all in one! :)

First off I've gotta say, if you've been reading up on these, thanks everyone! :)  And if not, no worries.  I still love you. :)  I just may withhold my yummy oh-so-delicious chocolate chip cookies from you!  (Which, MG, I haven't forgotten that I owe you a batch!)

With all of that being said...

Today's title...kinda makes me sound a little off, right? haha  I think probably because that's what is going inside my head right now.  Lots of excitement, lots of dancing around, and then throw in some groans or 6 and you've got me all figured out this season!  I should probably just start listing, explaining, and going from there! :)

1. Contending for the word: healthy life & supernatural weight loss.  This right here has got to be the number one biggest battle in my life right now.  Not the addiction, not the past...but this right here.  Yes, I know it's tied to the past.  And tied to the thoughts in my head.  But it's been a constant battle to get up and believe this word.  Partly because it seems so easy to just give in and not do it...not workout, not eat healthy, not live a healthy life.  And honestly, some days I throw up my hands, say screw it all, and eat a 3 mini-scoops of vanilla ice cream w/ nutella, sugar waffle cones and M&Ms.  (Yes, that's what I did tonight.)  So many people tend to think it's easy, that all this enthusiasm comes naturally (did you hear me snort in laughter just now?!).  They couldn't be more wrong.  Though I'm learning how to enjoy it, it's still a battle.  A battle inside my head going, You know what happens when men think you're beautiful.  What if the abuse happens again?  What if you get noticed? What if all men see is the "skinny" you and that's all you attract?  What if...what if...what if...  I HATE HATE that game inside my head.  And every second is a battle to not give in to those lies.  To take every thought captive to the obedience and knowledge of Christ.  Because that's not what my Daddy Father says.  But a part of me is seriously freaked out on what, exactly, would happen WHEN I lose this weight...I've never been "skinny". EVER. EEEVVVEEEERRRR.  For as long as I can remember, I've always worn plus-size clothing.  And now, I'm slowly seeing the light where I can very soon stop shopping at Lane Bryant because all their clothes are too big...and inside my head, though I seem to present a nice, calm, happy exterior...inside my head I am slowly wigging out.  I am slowly, step by step, battling.  Battling for my life, my health...for the vision and the words spoken over me concerning health, wholeness and healing.  And I know so many people have so much input and ideas and yada yada yada...the one thing that I KNOW to do ...is listen to my Daddy on what HE wants me to do.  And to Debbie! lol  (can't forget Ms. Debbie!)  Some may be offended by this, see this as arrogant.  Not really.  I just need to listen to His voice...because when I hear His voice, that's when peace reigns inside my heart and my head.  I don't hear the lies when I hear His voice.  All I hear is the words, "Keep going, beautiful beloved!  You've got this!  Come on!  I'm giving you MY strength.  Here, take MY joy!  Shout it out...let out all the tears, frustrations and anger that got you here in the first place."  And, at points in time during my workouts recently, I've just done the workout, the exercise, weeping, in tears, screaming at myself to keep going, don't quit, don't stop.  Learning how to OVERCOME the lies of the enemy with the truth that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!  Is it easy?  No.  Not by any means.  And I still quake at the thought of what might happen when I hit where I want to be weight (number) wise.  (I couldn't do clothes size as I don't remember being smaller than an 18...yeah, I said that via cyber space.)  But I know that I have some amazing cheerleaders who love me, been with me through the lies, through the deliverance, and through the journey.  So, I'd like to give a shout out to a few people right here and now...and if I forgot you, I'm sorry...it's late! lol  Just hit me up and I'll add ya!

Shout out goes to: Mari--through the phone calls and texts, always pushing me to keep going, never quit, and listening as I sob on the phone.  Rose D--for making me want to be a bit more competitive...not intentionally...but because I know you're, like, super buff and I wanna be like you! :)  Rose B--for listening, for the hugs, and for the info on how to keep my body healthy naturally.  Without you, my life would be sad.  And I'd never have 4 amazing little boys to hug, cuddle and watch TV with if it wasn't for you and Nick!  Debbie G--oh, this woman!  oh oh this woman!  Kicks my butt, and then has me coming back for me I get so excited! lol  Who encourages me, and then tells me I can't go half-way in things...like moving isn't working out! lol  But who loves me enough in Christ that every time I see her I just want to hug her and thank her...because I know she doesn't realize just how much this means to me. Joe & Desiree H--who added me to their FB group, and got me to begin to challenge myself...but who also put me with the right connections to get onto this path of healthy living.  Ruby P & the ladies from Thursday morning glory group--you all have NO IDEA how much I love you all!  Every time I see you all I just wanna give hugs!! haha  Your encouragement, wisdom and prayers have gotten me through some tough and dark times this season, and for that, I thank you.  You all get to see the end results as He takes me through this journey.  And thanks for letting me share what He's been doing in me!
And for the others who have prayed, given words, or just plain blessed me--thank you thank you thank you!  You have no idea the encouragement you've given to me...even when I don't always want to hear it! lol

2. Freedom to be who I am in Him.  Oh, how this has been a very important key this season!  Learning whose I am, but also WHO I am...without excuses! :)  Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, yet changing where He's called me to change.  In essence, finally getting my identity from logos (head knowledge) to rhema (heart knowledge) and understanding just exactly what that means.  And not accepting anything less than that!  Also learning to accept myself...flaws and all.  And be content with who He has made me to be...and FINALLY believing all those things He says about me.  Even on bad days, days where it's stressful, or I want to rage at the world...I've seen a difference in my stance of identity...I no longer claim the bad stuff, but instead speak the Word over myself, and my situation.  Which leads to...

3. Growing Up.  It's taking many, many years for this to finally come to pass.  But I'm realizing that I'm beginning to bloom as a woman of God.  And am SO STINKIN' EXCITED about this!  After the many words about this, finally understanding what He meant when He said those things...just...wow.  I'm growing up.  I wish I could explain more about that, but honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin.  Which is probably why a friend and I had a 3 hour conversation! hahahahaha  Trying to share everything with him was way more difficult than I expected...because there was so much to share!  But I thank him for listening to me anyways! :)  And feeding me yummy food. :)

4. Moving.  Oh my gosh the trials that went with this.  Exhaustion, forgetting to pack half my crap due to exhaustion, frustration w/ myself, frustration w/ myself, more frustration w/ myself. lol  Not many people know where I moved to...I'd like to keep it that way.  I'm okay w/ this, actually.  I honestly like being off the grid for a season.  This has allowed me to get my ducks in a row personally.  From finances, to prayers, to learning how to live life...I've needed this for awhile.  And I have moved in with a wonderful lady who is willing to help me learn how to organize, keep house, and help me maintain a nice, cleanly environment.  More like, she's willing to take my hand and show me those steps!  Thanks, Ms. Patti! :)  You are an answer to a prayer I never knew I had prayed until recently.  This move...it's been...interesting.  I've purged over half of my things.  I took MG's car loaded up to the brim, then my car loaded up front seat, back seat AND trunk.  And I'm more than likely going to take another load when I begin to unpack.  Goodwill has gotten so much from me I think I single-handedly supplied their store for a week! lol  Including furniture!  But honestly, this has been a season of purging.  Out with the old woman, in with the new mind-skin.  The new me.  The me that is free, whole, healed and delivered.  The me that I always knew was inside, but I was so stinkin' scared to let out.  And honestly,  I love who He's making me to be.  I'm great! lol

And with all of that being said...I wish we could sit down face to face and I could tell you just exactly what's been on my heart lately.  But that would take way longer than this blog to do!  So, I'll leave you with a song that has been playing on the radio recently, and when I first heard it, I was like, YES! :)

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, so I normally don't do this...but I kinda had to...'cause after awhile of thinking about this situation, I busted out laughing.  And then snorted.  And laughed some more. lol

I was accused today of stealing...of all things...bakeware.  Yes, you read that right.  Bake.  Ware.  I know.  I'm still scratching my head over this a bit.  I think because of how amazingly preposterous this seems to me.  Like...really really flabbergasted and preposterous.  Like, 4-5 months later...being accused of stealing a piece of your bakeware. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I know. I shouldn't really laugh.  I didn't when I was first accused.  I think because it came out of the blue...and was so incredibly random to me.

If you know me, you know I'd NEVER steal.  Period.  And I'd never steal bakeware.  Not when I am so freakishly picky about baking stuff, and only get, like, the expensive stuff from Walmart. lol  (Yeah, I made a crack at myself! hahahahaha)  Besides which, I haven't bought a piece of bakeware, in, well....*scratches head*...many months.  And that was a sided cookie sheet made by Wilton, bought at HEB, in 2010, so I can make pumpkin rolls.

I just...okay...I admit...I'm still chuckling.  Not out of disrespect.  But because I am entertained by this...I know, I know, but still.  I talked w/ a friend of mine about this, and she was left just as flabbergasted as I was.  I talked w/ my Abba Father about it, and that's when I started cracking up.

I think because if I was going to steal something...well, bakeware?!?!  Besides which, why would I steal anything???????  Hate to say it, but I don't want anything this person has.  Sorry, love.  Not interested.  I didn't want anything in that home and just wanted to leave the home as soon as humanly possible...even with praying through that home, I knew that it wasn't a "safe place" spiritually.  So, when I could, I removed myself immediately and for my own piece of mind/spirit.  Too dark.  And way too many nightmares.

Anywho...

At one point, was told that "karma's a bitch" and that the person was sad about the "holy act" going on.

Well, my love...Jesus loves you too.  He really does.  Doesn't matter what you think about me.  I'm still going to be amused by this.  Never once did I say anything mean or contrary to the Word during my time...and knowing how much there was turmoil there, did a prayer walk and spoke over your home, your family, your peace of mind.  Began to speak things out spiritually, and did battle in the dark.

All to say...despite everything, your accusations and your mean words...well...Jesus loves you.  He loves every aspect of you.  And if it would make you feel better, I'll gladly buy you another set of bakeware.  No biggie.  I think it's kinda funny, actually...being accused of taking something I don't even have myself.  My roomie doesn't even have one of those things. hehehehehehehehehehe  The impish side of me wants to be like, "You wanna come look in the house?  See for yourself?"  But that's not a good thing. lol  That's more of trying to prove myself right.  Which, doesn't really matter who's right in all of this.  It's a very small drop in the bucket, actually.

But I'm still laughing.  Stealing.  BAKEWARE. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, if you only knew me.  But you really don't.  And that's okay.  But I did remove you from FB...because, truth be told, kinda creeped me out when you mentioned the whole fb...felt a bit stalked after that...and a whole lotta creepy coming out...didn't realize you, uh, followed me that closely...

All that to say, if you need to confront me about something, please do it ASAP.  And not through text.  Have the honor and courage to confront me upfront, please.  I'll gladly invite you into the home (with roomie permission of course), show you around, offer a cup of coffee to you.  And then show you my bakeware. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

So, here's what I learned:
1. Even when being accused of something, you still gotta laugh.  And keep the twinkle in the eye. :)
2. You love people, despite everything.  You love them.  Why?  Because that really is what Jesus would do.  And you ask Him about the spirit behind the words.  Why?  Because I don't want to associate the person w/ the work of the enemy.  I want to see the Jesus in them.
3. I control my emotions.  No one else has the authority to do so.  So, instead of getting angry and saying what I really wanted to say, I let the matter drop.  Even after being accused of how I wasn't a Christian...over bakeware...okay, I'm sorry...but I'm still laughing and snorting.
4. When all else fails in how I should react...I have one conclusion....laugh and snort.  Just laugh and snort. LOL

Losing it...and Loving it! :)

It's been a really long time since I've sat and wrote on this thing...almost a month to be exact.  And I can say...it's definitely been a journey.

Some days have been better than others.  Some days have been longer.  And yes, lots of tears and sweat and occasional pricks of blood drops due to paper cuts have been shed. (hehehe)

But today, I really just wanted to share what was on my heart at the moment.

Today was my weigh-in.  Dropped 2.2 lbs this week.  I was SOOOOOOOOO excited (and still am!).  I did my happy dance around the scale.  That's right.  I actually did a happy dance AROUND THE SCALE.  Those of you who have seen my happy dance...rejoice! lol

Part of me was excited about the weight loss.  But the biggest part of me was more excited that this process has been a beginning for me to choose to overcome.  It's a daily decision...will I choose to overcome old eating habits, old ways of thinking, old ways of a sedentary life...

Today is Day 20 since I made the commitment to learn to deal w/ the issues inside my body (from the physical aspect of it all).  So, I've been very careful on what I eat, how much I eat as well as daily activity of my body.
Here are several conclusions I've come up with:

1. When I want to quit, that's the best time to scream out loud, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH".  And yes, I've screamed it out loud.

2. My body does not rule over me.  My emotions do not rule over me.  I make the choice to conquer my body and bring it into submission to the Word.  The Word that says I am healthy, whole and healed.

3. As I'm still learning, I cannot do this journey alone.  I was not made to be an island, but instead was made to lift up others and be lifted up myself.  Why?  Because we are all one body in Christ.  If my story can encourage others, then let that happen.  If I can be encouraged by someone else's story, then let me hear it!  We are here to encourage and build each other up, and I'm believing that my story will encourage others to do the same in a NATURAL and HEALTHY way rather than the rapid weight loss systems or surgeries (no condemnation people!).

4. I'm learning to love working out.  I wake up with workout brain.  Workout brain is when my first thought of waking up isn't just, "Morning Jesus!"  But it now includes, "Morning Jesus LET'S DO THIS! RAAAAWWWWRRRR" lol  And yes, I know Jesus laughs at me....you do too...admit it, I'm funny. :)

5. Above everything, my focus during this process isn't a sexy body, a hot body, or being "hot" or anything to that degree.  My focus is presence-driven...When I do this, I am honoring Him with my body, my heart, my time and my life.  I'm honoring Him when I choose to help Him keep me healthy by allowing my body to become healthy in a natural process that will not just take away the impurities in my body, but will take away the sickness and disease in it as well.

6. Seeing the results of scales and measurements no longer intimidates me.  Why?  Because I know that even if the numbers aren't that great, I can still choose to get back up and try it again.  I'm learning the definition of "determination", "hard work" (thanks Dolvett) and "persistence with passion".  Even on days where it feels horrible, I feel horrible and discouraged...I'm choosing to remember to cast it aside, lay it at the foot of the Cross, and get back up to listen to my Abba Father's voice above all else.


With all of that being said, I've come to the realization and reality of one thing:

I'm doing this for me.
I'm doing this for Jesus.
I'm doing this for my Abba Father.

No one else.
Nothing else.

I know my goal.  I know my focus.  I know the Truth.

And the Truth says I can do this.  Even when I stumble a bit, the Light shows me the path.  And I can choose which way I go: to stay down, stay discouraged, and quit and give up because it's too hard or it's too painful.  Or path #2, get back up, put the scale away, put my blinders on so I don't get distracted by anything but what's in front of me and what is up, dust myself off, and try again, and again, and even again if necessary.

hard work
determination
never give up

Isn't God good?! :)

With that being said, my prayer for you is this:

You realize who you are in Him, so you can get the strength needed and the understanding that YOU matter to Him, and so does the way you live and worship Him with your body.  Not only that, but that you would allow others to encourage you.  That He would give you the boldness to share your struggles, your victories and the times when you stumble around for just a bit...not so people can condemn or laugh at you, but so that He can begin to use others around you to encourage and motivate you.
That you would begin to realize just how much you are loved in ALL aspects of your life, no matter what you look like, what you sound like, what you weigh, or anything else.
That you would see weight-loss from His perspective: not for selfish or worldly ways and reasons of doing it, but instead, it is so you can learn to honor Him with your body, ALL of your body, not just portions or pieces.

With that, dear beloveds, have a wonderful and fantastic day.  It's time for me to get back to my schedule and go workout! :)

What I've Overcome

So, I first heard this song yesterday as I was driving into work.  And I realized that I've found my "battle" song...my song for this season.
Every time I hear this song, my spirit literally jumps and goes, here it is.  So, let me post the lyrics, then I'll explain. :)

What I've Overcome lyrics

I've got this passion
It's something I can't describe
It's so electric
It's like I've just come alive

I feel this freedom 
Now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I've found the meaning of grace
(I found grace)

If only you come see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I know I'll stumble
I know I'll still face defeat
These second chances will define me

So I'm moving forward
I'm standing on my two feet
I've got momentum
I've got someone saving me
(got someone saving me)

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it finally feels to break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I make mistakes and I might fall
But I won't break
I've got someone saving me

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome

"Funny how words can't explain, How good it finally feels to break the chains, I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome"

It's taken me 2 years to get to this point.  Two very long, very heart-wrenching years.  Through the battles, the trials, the mistakes, the tears, the anger and rage, the weeping and mourning, words can't explain how good it feels to finally break the chains.  Even now, as I type, I feel tears just forming and pouring out.  Tears of rejoicing, looking back and realizing just how much I've overcome.

"If only you could see me yesterday, Who I used to be before the change, I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome"

So many people have told me they see such a change in me; all for His glory and good.  And others, who sometimes think they know me, see Him in me and mistake it for me.  All I've got to say to that, is I wish you could have seen me in those yesterdays, in the struggles, the battles, the rages, the tears, the heartache, the depression, the calls to my counselor and spiritual parents, the snot rags everywhere as I let lose a lifetime of crap I had been holding in for so long.  "If only you could see me yesterday, you'd see a broken heart, you'd see the battle scars."  And there are so many battle scars.  Even now, I wear a battle scar to this day.

But I'm believing that "I won't break because I've got someone saving me".  I'm believing that I'm what I've overcome.

So, with that being said...

My prayer for you:

You realize and understand your own battle scars, and that you get the revelation that you are what you have overcome.  If you've overcome fear, you are a FAITH-FILLED person.  If you've overcome the lies that life has to be lived in poverty, you are WALKING IN ABUNDANCE.  If you've overcome the lies of ugly, fat, unworthy, you are A DAUGHTER/SON OF THE MOST HIGH KING, THE APPLE OF HIS EYE, BEAUTIFUL AND BELOVED, LONGED FOR, PRECIOUS AND DESIRED.

That you realize you are NOT what you have done, but that, through the breaking of chains, you are what you've overcome.

What I learned building a bookcase

1. I'm smart, but apparently not smart enough to understand written directions.  (See, teachers, are always told you I was visual!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)

2. I still have a tendency to cuss a lot express my feelings in such a way that, uh, does not bring glory to Jesus.  This tendency comes out more so when I can't understand written directions.  Or am very very very very very very frustrated.

3. I will endure much pain to get my objective/goal done.  As discovered by the numerous time I hit my thumb nail every time I attempted to hammer in those damn nails.  By golly I was going to get that stupid bookcase built if my roommate found me lying on the floor in a rocking puddle of mess because I tore it to pieces in my frustration.  (That's real talk for ya! haha)

4. I still struggle with patience.  Despite people telling me I'm patient, I know that I have a LONG way to go.  As experienced by numbers 1-3.

5. Even in my frustration and "expression of feelings", I still kept praying.  More on the lines of, "Jesus, THIS IS GOING TO WORK.  I AM NOT TAKING IT BACK JUST BECAUSE I SCREWED UP."  Yes, I did scream at Jesus.  And gave Him several dirty looks while praying.  (I have yet to see the humor in the knowledge that I have a great brain for math and science, but suck at written directions.)

6. Goes along w/ #5...I'm realizing more and more that in seasons of frustration, no matter the type of frustration, be it temptations, literal frustration, struggle, praise, whatever...more and more I am turning to Him, my best friend.  If you haven't realized it yet, I talk to Him like I do my best friend.  No matter where I'm at, I constantly hear His whispers/responses, even if that response is silence.  This, in seasons of hard times, has given me the greatest comfort.

7. I was not made to do things by myself.  You see, I know, my roommate knows, and several of my closest friends know: I have been banned from ever putting together a bookcase.  Or hanging up curtain rods/curtains. I apparently can't seem to manage a straight line, straight hammer, straight nail, straight screws...I just have issues w/ straight things apparently.  But me in my pride, I wanted to prove to myself and others that I wasn't a total screw up in this area.  So, instead of waiting for help, which I had asked for from a friend, I decided to take this journey on my own.  Which led to numbers 1-5.

8. And lastly, when it's all said and done, and the bookcase was put together...I realized that He still loves me.  Even in all my bad tendencies.  I used to get down on myself soooooo much every time I screwed up.  I thought I had to be perfect.  Do things perfectly.  Have everything JUST RIGHT when I did certain things.  I'm realizing more and more, lately, that I don't have to be perfect.  I can just be me.  In all my mess, He loves me. And He loves my messiness--inside and out.  On days I don't get things done quite the way I wish, He still loves me.

What an awesome God I serve.  What an awesome God I love.

Oh, and another lesson learned:

To bask in the mistakes made.  Why bask, you ask?  Because the mistakes give me a chance to ask Him how to go about things His way instead of mine.  With that being said, even if you've veered off the path a little, get back on, get back up, ask Him where to go, and try again. :)

My prayer for you:

That in all your messiness, you realize just how much He loves you: worts, mess and all.  He won't love you any less.  In my opinion, I think He'll love you more.  Why?  Because you've chosen to be honest with Him when you give Him and show Him your mess.

Love to each one of you. :)

Realizations

I'd have to say that this week, the one thing I've realized is:

Understand that every step in the right direction is a victory in the battlefield of war.


It's all about the baby steps.  And which direction will I choose to go.


I've been taking those baby steps, especially in the area of my health.  Learning how to eat a BALANCED meal, that is PORTIONED.  Learning to incorporate exercise into my daily life.  Learning that every small choice that I make matters.


In essence, learning to listen to my Abba Father in the area of health and wholeness.


And it's been an exciting journey.  I've stumbled on several things that have changed in the past 3 weeks:

1. My stomach HATES soda...mostly the non-diet variety, when I do choose to drink soda.  Learned that last night.
2. My stomach HATES junk food.  Learned that yesterday.
3. My body CRAVES good-for-me things.  Mostly fruits and veggies, but w/ the occasional meat tossed here and there into the meal.  And I'm just now realizing...I haven't eaten much meat the past 3 weeks.  Some ham in my egg mc-muggin, some turkey pepperoni in my mini-pizzas, but quite honestly, I think that's really been the only meat.  Wow.  Kinda cool to realize that I very rarely eat meat now, but instead enjoy more veggies and fruits. :)
4. My body CANNOT STAND very much sugar anymore.  Too much sugar, and apparently my body decides to breakout into a semi-allergic reaction.  And it's only w/ the sweet sugary stuff.  I mean, I know I prayed that He help take away the sugar cravings, but I didn't think He'd do it that way. lol
5. When I don't exercise, I miss it.  Yes, really.  It's kinda weird to realize that.  I MISS EXERCISE. haha Doesn't mean I want to always do it.  Or even that I like it.  But I've trained my brain to realize that if I miss a workout on a scheduled day, it means I have to be even MORE disciplined in what I eat and do activity wise.
6. I can't do this journey alone.  I love posting certain things on facebook, and seeing/reading the encouragement of "you go girl" or "keep it up" or "every calorie counts".  What most people realize is...*insert girl moment here* I get really teary eyed when I read/see those.  If I sit and examine why, the biggest reason for that reaction: I'm so thankful.  I'm thankful for the people in my life who are encouraging me with their cheers.  I'm finally realizing how much I am worth.  After years of not understanding, not "getting it", not seeing it...  I'm realizing that I matter, that I'm someone "important".  That He sees me and REALLY sees me, every bit...and loves me no matter what.  The head knowledge is aligning with the heart knowledge He has been telling me for years. :)
7. When I walk in joy, the victories are the greatest, even if on occasion the step I take leads to a minor defeat.  I know.  Kind of confusing.  But let me break it down: this week, despite the stress, the junk, and everything else, I told my Abba Father that I would CHOOSE to walk in joy.  And those moments where I have made a CONSCIOUS EFFORT to choose joy, despite that step of, "I'll just eat one more chip, one more candy, one more yada yada yada", despite that, I've gotten up, dusted myself off, and kept on walking towards the right path. Yes, minor detours. But the realization of: I HAVEN'T GIVEN UP.  I CHOOSE NOT TO QUIT.  I SEE THE EYE OF THE TIGER (JESUS).  

So, that's what I've been realizing this week.

That I've been growing up in increments.

It's been rough.  It's been difficult.  Several times I've wanted to give in to the temptations and eat my way through emotions.  But I chose to talk with Jesus instead.  I chose to lay the temptations at the cross AND RUN.  Not to stand by the cookie jar (candy jar at the office), but instead, to go, "Jesus, I don't want to be the old me anymore.  I am CHOOSING TO BELIEVE for my word: supernatural weight loss.  Thank You for helping me make the RIGHT CHOICE in order to gain the VICTORY in the battlefield.

With that being said, my prayer for you:

That you would learn to rely on Him in the battlefield, so that when it comes to make the choice of flee or give in, you choose instead to run to Him, to listen to His voice, in order to win the victory in the midst of the war.

The meaning of rest as defined by house-sitting and other things. :)

Ha!  The title cracked me up for a minute there. :)

Today was the official start-date for the house-sitting job I have over the weekend.  It happens to be at a place I absolute love and adore, with 4 of the coolest dogs I've met (probably 'cause they crack me up with their antics...and they're weiner dogs...always makes me laugh).  Did I mention that there's a pool here? :)  Which is how this blog came to be, well, sort of. :)

Mostly started last weekend at the retreat for Fuel.  It was an amazing place to stay, where we were at...filled w/ cubbie holes, crawl spaces, a fireman's pole you can slide down from, plus chocolates on our pillow as well as packs of gum.  And did I mention the what seems like gazillion books scattered throughout the place.  PLUS a working jukebox, foozeball table, air hockey table...yeah, this place was amazing...and I loved it there.

But I realized that last weekend was only partial rest.  Pretty much my fault on that one.  I got so caught in trying to make sure everything was done BEFORE leaving, that when I finally got there, I pretty much just crashed out.  Now, don't get me wrong here...it was excellent and amazing and MUCH needed.  I just forgot how to sit for a moment without moving. haha

Which brings us to this passing week.  It's been hectic and busy.  Filled w/ drama, things going on at work, more drama, parental conversations, good compliments, constructive criticism, late nights working, with even later nights working from home, to early mornings at the office, to, well, you get the picture.  I've never drank as much caffeine in 1 month as I did this week.  My poor body lived off caffeine...and will continue to do so until tomorrow after ER day...But anywho...

This whole week has been filled w/ craziness.  No rest, no relaxation.  Pretty much, work, come home, eat the one meal (maybe 2 if I remembered to eat breakfast...which consisted of the leftover casserole I had from this weekend to maximize time and not cook), sleep, get up, work, come home, eat, repeat cycle...  With bouts of tears thrown in just at how hectic and busy and stressful it's been having to deal w/ certain...uh..."situations" thrown my way.

So, when I get the text asking me to housesit at one of my favorite places, I was like YES PRAISE THE BABY JESUS! (haha  Always reminds me of Rita for some reason...)

And tonight, I was all ready to snuggle in bed a bit early, so excited at the thought of relaxing, that in my excitedness to relax, I couldn't even fall asleep! (I know, sad, right?!)

So, decided to head for a "midnight swim" so to speak (yeah, I know it's not midnigt, but that's okay!).  With my cup of pumpkin spice coffee (oh, how I love this family!! :)...they have a Keurig machine w/ pumpkin spice coffee cups...can we say, FREE coffee that's my favorite drink!?!).  And, in the cold water, I just floated in the pool, looking at the clouds moving, the stars twinkling, talking to the giant dog named Cocoa, who I love and adore and could hug and squeeze and...well, you get the picture.  Talk about gentle giant of a dog! haha

Anywho, I was just floating along, praying, talking to God...when He reminded me that even I, yes, IIIIII (stretch this out in a long sort of voice), need rest.  I'm known at work as the one who's willing to do what it takes to get the job done, who puts in those extra hours for the kids, who goes above and beyond.  Not only that, but just...well...yeah.

So, listening to Him, He reminded me of my desire during the retreat...which was to not just be a vessel of His love, but to rest in Him, knowing that every time I look up at that night sky, I just laugh with joy at what my Abba has created for me. :)  The beauty around me, just...well...WOWZERS.

So, I floated along, and this happiness began to bubble up in me.  I even started talking to the dog (yes, I know...Jesus loves me. :) ).

Which is when I realized what He wanted me to learn all along this summer, the summer where I was told to rest...

I feel safest when I rest.
In His arms, in a pool, in a chair...
When I'm at rest, no matter how hectic my day is, no matter what's been going on in life,
When I take the time to rest, I feel SAFE.
Nothing can harm me
Nothing can come against me (though it may try)
But feeling that perfect peace which comes from Him.

Now, some of you may think that's silly,
But I am starting to realize just how important rest is.
Even resting from all the "religious" things we do...
reading praying journaling meditating
I know...some of you are probably gasping right now at the last 2 sentences there
But hold on, let me finish!

Resting from those things...
meaning, taking the time to put those aside,
And just basking in Him
Listening to Him
singing to Him off key in the dark where no one can here you but the dog...and the howling cat next door
Setting aside my agenda of reading a good book by Dutch Sheets,
or setting aside the journal that reminds me to pray,
or setting asie the phone w/ the portable Bible on it...

And just sitting down somewhere,
quietting the mind,
and CHOOSING to listen to Him
with my giant cup of Pumpkin Spice coffee
and my ears turned to heaven
the dog lying across my legs
and the phone on some pretty cool jammin' worship

All that to say...

Remember that you were once slaves in Egypt, but the Lord your God brought you out with his strong hand and powerful arm. That is why the Lord your God has commanded you to rest on the Sabbath day.
Deut 5:15

And the Lord gave them rest on every side, just as he had solemnly promised their ancestors. None of their enemies could stand against them, for the Lord helped them conquer all their enemies.
Josh 21:44

This is what the Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says: “Only in returning to me and resting in me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength.
Isaiah 30:15

Blessed are those who honor my Sabbath days of rest and keep themselves from doing wrong.
Isaiah 56:2

For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.”
Jeremiah 31:25

All who found them devoured them. Their enemies said, ‘We did nothing wrong in attacking them, for they sinned against the Lord, their true place of rest, and the hope of their ancestors.’
Jeremiah 50:7 (The Lord is our TRUE place of rest...nothing else will satisfy us as a long soak with the Lord)

Then Jesus said, “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest.
Matthew 11:28

King David said this about him:
   ‘I see that the Lord is always with me.
      I will not be shaken, for he is right beside me.
 ²⁶ No wonder my heart is glad,
      and my tongue shouts his praises!
      My body rests in hope.
Acts 2:25-26

Hebrews 3:19
So we see that because of their unbelief they were not able to enter his rest.

[ Promised Rest for God’s People ] God’s promise of entering his rest still stands, so we ought to tremble with fear that some of you might fail to experience it.
For this good news—that God has prepared this rest—has been announced to us just as it was to them. But it did them no good because they didn’t share the faith of those who listened to God.
For only we who believe can enter his rest. As for the others, God said, “In my anger I took an oath: ‘They will never enter my place of rest,’” even though this rest has been ready since he made the world.
We know it is ready because of the place in the Scriptures where it mentions the seventh day: “On the seventh day God rested from all his work.”
But in the other passage God said, “They will never enter my place of rest.”
So God’s rest is there for people to enter, but those who first heard this good news failed to enter because they disobeyed God.
So God set another time for entering his rest, and that time is today. God announced this through David much later in the words already quoted: “Today when you hear his voice, don’t harden your hearts.”
Now if Joshua had succeeded in giving them this rest, God would not have spoken about another day of rest still to come.
So there is a special rest still waiting for the people of God.
For all who have entered into God’s rest have rested from their labors, just as God did after creating the world.
So let us do our best to enter that rest. But if we disobey God, as the people of Israel did, we will fall.
Hebrews 4:1-11


So, take your favorite cup of coffee, plop yourself on a chair outside, enjoy the cool breeze, and rest. :)