Things Unseen.....1/7/16

Life has been...different.  It's been...weird, to say the least.  I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet.  A different stress.  A different life.

By all means, please don't hear complaint.  I'm not complaining.  It's different.

I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek.  And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.

You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless.  I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.

There, I said it.  Depression.  The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.

I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face.  Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down.  I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years.  The last one was...terrifying.

I remember the first time it happened.  I almost committed suicide.  I was ready to give up, give in.  Instead, He brought me to Jesus.  It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace.  If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.

Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction.  Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place.  He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light.  He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me.  He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance.  This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.

Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different.  It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing.  The darkness name: sexual abuse.  I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it.  The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness.  I was...broken.  I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing.  To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this.  Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive.  Some days are better than others.  Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come.  The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything.  So, some nights, some days are better than others.  My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare.  (This a few years later, after the counseling.)

After counseling, I was...free.  God opened so many doors, so many friendships.  He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.

Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness.  The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.

And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!

With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT!  He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning.  He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley.  As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful.  To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.

Hold on, Beloved.  Hold on.  FIGHT!  Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in.  Instead, make a way for Me!  Instead, worship Me!  Instead, honor Me!  Instead, love Me!  AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU!  I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!

With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus!  Yes!!  I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope.  Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You.  I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed.  I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.

Above all...I will love.  I will love.

My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  FIGHT!  Believe!  Seek!  And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness.  There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.

My greatest gift so far.....10/19/15

Well, it's been awhile.  A pretty long while.  It helps that we have a desktop once again, thanks to some pretty cool friends of ours. (Yay N & R!)

Life...life has been sweet.  It's been 2 years and roughly 2 months since Eric and I have been married.  Yesterday, we were able to renew our vows in front of everyone at church.  Something that Pastor Robin said really resonated with us...our journey has been long, rough and sometimes I've wanted to throw in the towel regarding healing and where God has been taking me.

When I first saw that our church was doing the vow renewals, I asked Eric about it.  I wanted to see if he was interested.  After we discussed it, he said go for it.  So, we did.

About a day after signing up this past week, God reminded me of a word that He had given me regarding my relationship with my then-future husband.  (I hadn't even met Eric yet when this word was given to me.)  My husband would help heal some of the wounds in my heart and in my life.  When I heard Him whisper that to me, I thought back to all of the things Eric and I have been through together.  The night terrors, the insomnia, those moments where I slap his hands away because I couldn't bear to be touched, never knowing if it was a dream or reality that someone was trying to harm me.  (This usually happens when he tries to shake me awake before the terror completely grabs ahold.)  The emotional turmoil that he has had to go through, as I worked on being healed from the inside out when it came to the abuse.

I think this man deserves a cape.  Because he's my hero.  He has loved me through so much.  Through tears, pain.  He's held me as I wake up screaming or sobbing.  He's kissed me awake knowing that, in my terror, I may not recognize him.  But he does it anyways, trying to get me out of the terror before it truly begins.  He's cried with me, walked with me, prayed over me, and stuck by my side.

Someone awhile ago told me that I had offended quite a number of people when I got married to this man.  (Mostly on the way I married him, as we eloped.)  I've lost quite a number of friendships, some due to offense, some naturally drifting away, and some because of the move.  It still saddens me, the lose.  But I can't nor don't regret it.  Eric has been the greatest gift that my Abba Father has given me.  He's used the arms of my husband to bring healing.  The words spoken in the dark, which I'm terrified of, to bring light.  He's used Eric's prayers to bring about a healing that has allowed me to quietly blossom and grow.

As the tears come into my eyes, I realize just how much I love this man.  How much and how glad that I am married to this wonderful gift.  My Abba Father has truly blessed me.  Eric has been well worth the wait.

And as I think back and reflect in my quiet time this morning, I can't help but smile my large smile.  From 2 years ago to now, I remember telling Eric that my heart's cry was to help people like me, to walk alongside young women who needed a shoulder and a mentor, to bring light into a place where few are willing to travel, to speak life into them and pull out what will later be such a marvelous, healing treasure.  And to know that we are slowly beginning to do this as a couple.  Eric, my strong, amazing Eric, has been willing to have our tiny little home be opened up to women searching for more...more Jesus, more knowledge, more life skills, and more friendship. 

It's been a great 2 years and roughly 2 months.  It's been a great season, despite its ups and downs.  It's been...blessed.  And I love seeing how Abba Father is slowly restoring things in different areas of my life.  I know things will never be perfect, nor am I expecting them to.  All I know is that I'm thankful that Eric brings a little bit of heaven to earth as we walk this life together.  I love you, my handsome man.

My soul sings.....3/17/14

I woke up at 2 am this morning with tears running down my face, my stomach clenched in pain, and the biggest pain in my heart.  "My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you."  This is on right now, knowing that within my heart is such a sharp, intense pain of sadness.

I woke up from a dream.  In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not.  Oh, how my heart grieved.  In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong.  He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person.  Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends.  And then I woke up.

Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now.  I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong.  My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that.  So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain.  I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.

He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished.  He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it.  The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer.  But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.

As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it.  He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis.  (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear.  I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at.  This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)

He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year.  How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families.  To show a God who does NOT judge.  To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments.  To be loved on, and love them in return.  He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education.  But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much.  Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do.  This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.

He reminded me of the ministry I have at home.  Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home.  He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day.  But also our garden, my garden.  Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list.  He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.

He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven.  ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)

As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity.  He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake.  The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams.  He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart.  But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.

So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships.  Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....

There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life

"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name.  The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name.  Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man.  You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name.  Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, Defender, You are my King."

My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him.  I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me.  But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him.  The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious.  Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh*  But I'm believing.  We're both believing.  And standing.  And praying.  And fighting.  And declaring healing over my body.

But I still sing praises.  I still sing my song of Love to Him.  I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior.  I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.

I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months.  Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together.  He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart.  My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.

"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power, 
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"

In all honestly, yes, I miss my friends so much.  I also understand just how hard it is to maintain those friendships over an hour away, one-way drive.  I also realize that Eric and I are choosing, instead, to put all our money into our debt, versus spending it on extra gas or dinners.  (I even stopped my very routine trips to Starbucks, knowing that spending $5 for a cup of coffee...well, that $5 could go towards something much more meaningful, like our savings account...)

All in all, I understand why I've chosen to do what we've done.  We've a goal in mind, and we are determined to reach it one way or another.

I guess, in a way, this dream was a way to allow me to say goodbye to one life, and hello to another.  Not that I'm getting rid of relationships, by any means. But instead, gaining a new life, renewed friendships, and a heart that is ever changing, ever growing, always being molded.  My heart still wants to maintain friendships and relationships, but also asking Him how I can do it, when I'm so far away that I actually tell people I live out of town! :0)

Hmm...I smell an amazing wind blowing again.  And I rest in the arms of my Savior, my Lover, my Comforter, my King, my Abba.

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You, Jesus.  I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, Jesus."

The Story of Us........11/10/13

A few people (cough cough...many people...cough cough) have been wanting to know the story of how my husband and I met.  How we got together.  The story of...uh...us.  (Notice the title, anyone?? :) )

So, I thought what better way to go about this than on the www.  lol  No, seriously.  It's easier to tell this story once, versus 30 times.  In a row.  To all different people.  Who all want to know.

Here is the story of us.  Which I'm kinda glad my hubby is off at church while I get ready for our photo shoot session.  It gives me some time to think, reflect, and miss the heck outta this man.  (Not to mention the unfairness of men only needing, like, 30 minutes to get ready and dressed.  I need a good solid two hours, plus more if I'm gonna do fingers and toes.  Like, seriously, who thought of these rules and standards for having to get this dolled up, and then making it to where it takes FOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR to do it?!?!....sorry.....end rant now....)

Okay, so, back to the story.

In March/April 2013, during my quiet time, I kept hearing the Lord tell me it was time to go back to the whole dating scene thing.  And not just any dating scene.  Back to....OMGAREYOUFORREAL?!...online dating.  To which I told Him, in all quite frank honest, "Hell no."  Just like that.  No joke.  (For those of you Christian people who would be shocked, I'm sorry.  Please get over your shockiness.  In my quiet time, it's no holds barred, flat out tell it like it is, whether it's joyful, fearful, happy or sad, the secret place is a place to get real.  And if I'm to treat Him like my best friend, well, let's be honest.  I've got a bit of the ghetto in me. *wink wink*)  I then not only told Him no, I told Him no several times.  I wasn't going to do it.  Not after the fiasco of...um...the man who shall be left nameless.  (Eric calls him the jerk.)

Here I am, in my room, and I hear Him tell me to try E-Harmony.  Again, in my head, I'm also thinking, ummm...noooo.....I just...can't....  And then, I ignore that prompting, and live life onwards and upwards.

Fast forward to May/June 2013.  I again hear the prompting of signing up for E-harmony.  To which, after hearing it a bit more, uh, insistently, I tell the Lord...  (yeah...I know...the audacity...  But I am sooooo thankful that He meets us not only where we are at, but isn't easily offended at my, um, bumbling way of approaching things at times.)

Okay, so, I tell the Lord that in order for me to sign up for E-Harmony, a few things needs to happen:

1. I need to be able to afford it financially.  (Which, at the time, I couldn't.)
2. Before I even subscribe, I wanted 3 men to send me icebreakers showing that there was at least SOME interest in me before I put myself out there to the world.
3. I wouldn't do it if the above 2 weren't completely met.

And then, He did the unthinkable....He whispered something in my ear that made my eyes go all big, my jaw drop, and my tummy get the butterflies.  He whispered that this, was, it.  To which my response was, "Um.  No.  It's not.  I'll believe it when it happens."  But in my heart, growing like a tiny little seedling, was that seed of faith that someone had planted so many years ago.  The Word that I had gotten when I was 18 years old.

Well, I then go to the website, and I do the whole profile thing.  And as I'm doing my profile, guess what pops up in a lovely, bright box but...."Get 3 months for the price of 1."  No. Freaking.  Joke.  To which my eyes got real big like, and then I whispered, out loud, in a panic, "BUT YOU HAVEN'T MET THE OTHER REQUIREMENT YET!!  THIS FAT LADY AIN'T SINGING YET!!!!!!!"  (Yeah, not even my hubby knew that one. lol  There are just some parts of my conversation I keep real quiet like about my quiet times. lol  Probably because I really do tend to talk to Him like I talk to my best friends.  Let's be honest, if I can't be real with my God, the One who created me, who can I really be real, honest and raw with?!)

So I wait.  And within 2-3 days, I LITERALLY get three icebreakers sent my way.  Yes, exactly, THREE.  No more.  No less.  So I start looking at their profiles (mind you, I still haven't subscribed, because, well, I'm stubborn.), seeing if I like what's heading my way.  I read the first one, and was, ehhhh....  I read the second one, and respond back.  Or at least try to.  But I can't.  Because I haven't signed up yet.  And then...(my hubby can tell you the exact date.)  I read the 3rd one.  And as I start reading through the profile, I let out a gasp.  My heart leaps and jumps.  And His still, small voice comes into play: "This is the one."

I read the profile a second time.  A third.  A fourth.  Mind you, I haven't seen a picture of this man AT ALL.  All I can judge him by is his words.  And I'm liking what I'm reading.  And my heart pounds.  And I go to PB and tell her about this guy.  And that....dare I say it....I'm signing up....for E-Harmony.  AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Once I sign-up, I respond back to this "Eric" person.

And he responds.  Sends me 3 multiple choice questions.  I respond.  He sends me his must haves/can't stands; I send mine.  Then, he does the unthinkable...sends me 3 questions that I ONLY HAVE 1000 CHARACTER LIMITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For this talker, this is...TORTURE.  I despise the system at this point.  And it takes me THREE HOURS to condense my response to 1000 characters or less.  Because, I am EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!  I'm desperately trying not to get my hopes up, but I keep hearing His voice directing, guiding, leading.

I follow on.

The next step, after all of this, is email communication within the system.  So it's still secure.  No harm done.  No personal info required.  yaay

Well, we communicate and email, back and forth, for several days, multiple hours in a day.  This man makes me laugh with his words.  Makes me guess, think, question, look through scripture.  And every day I feel myself falling a bit more.  And I've only seen a few pictures of him.  (Which, later on, realized that NONE of them did him justice, by the way.  Sorry, honey.)

And then...he does the unthinkable...   But only after I tell him that I'm meeting MC for coffee one night.  He tells me HE wants to have coffee with ME.  Say whaaattt?!?!  He doesn't know this, but I had a mini-heart attack right there on  the spot.  OMGHEWANTSTOMEETMENOOOOOOOOOOOO.  (Okay, so I realize that my self-image and self-confidence still needs quite a bit of work at times....)

My response: "I'd love to have coffee with you.  Just let me know when and where."  <---HA  Further proof I can pretend I'm cool, calm & collected. :)  man, I'm good!! lol

We make plans to meet at an IHOP near the two of us.  And in between the times, we are texting back and forth.  And he makes me laugh.  Makes me think.  And sends me scriptures.

We meet.  We laugh.  And we spend FIVE HOURS talking to each other on our "date".  We go from IHOP to HEB, and all the way we are talking.  And neither one of us wants to end it, but we have to, 'cause I have to be at work at the crack of freakin' dawn.

And...we're both comfortable.

So, we continue texting.  And the more we get to know each other, the more that we are slowly tuned towards each other.  (I hate the word falling in this aspect, but for lack of better terminology, this may be what you get for right now.)  We talk about our beliefs, our values, morals...everything.  Nothing is held back.

And a response of his that I still remember to this day, "Every objection I could possibly have, God has taken it in your life and showed His blessings and grace.  It just makes you more and more desirable for courtship."  OMG did my heart just go all googly-eyed on that one.  (I am such a girly sap! lol)

You see, he had NO IDEA what the Word was that was given to me when I was 18.  Some of you do.  I've told you.  I still have it written down.  "The first man to ask to court you will be your husband."  I've held on to that word for many, many years.  And had slowly started to give up on it.  Through tears, anger, rage, battles, and seasons of no romantic thoughts whatsoever; through being asked in the secret place if I was willing to give up any thought of marriage and remain single...this word was still there, just waiting, being planted, watered, growing, pruning....  What a faithful Abba Father I have.

And then fast forward, to one fateful evening, at REALLY LATE FOR THE BOTH OF US night.  I had an anxiety attack.  In the middle of my conversation, on the phone, with Eric.  Over some outside circumstances that were happening that didn't involve me one iotta.  And his response: you haven't eaten dinner; come over, meet at IHOP; let me buy you dinner; be safe.

I drive up to his apartment complex on my way to swing by and pick him up (hey...fair exchange for dinner and dealing with all the drama of me), and there is this knock on the window.  I roll my window down, and he presents me with a single red rose and the following words: "I wanted to get you something to make you smile through the bad."  And I desperately try to compose myself.  Even now, tears are in my eyes and I try to be, uh, somewhat normal....  (as my husband says, it's allergies...)

My smile is a mile wide.  This is the first time I've received flowers from a man.  I...wow....just....I can't stop smiling.

We drive to IHOP.  And he lets me talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And because we have a certain rule between the two of us, he laid out a notebook, Bible and pen between the two of us.  And we continue to talk.  And read scripture to each other.  And discuss scripture.  And I begin to tell him bits and pieces of my testimony.  Not everything.  Just...the important parts to help him understand why my reaction was so horrific to this outside circumstance.

(Now, for this next part, you have to understand our rule of having no cell phones out while we are with each other.  We only saw each other once a week, Sundays....so...we didn't want technology to interfere with our times together.)

Anywho...

He stops me, pulls out his phone, scrolls down and asks me to read something.

It was a text conversation between him and his best friend (well, one of them).  It went something like this:

EF:  Please pray.  Alex is driving down.  She's really upset about something, so I told her to come down, eat and talk it out.

RB: Okay.  Will do.  Praying for both of you.

EF: R____, I believe that I'm falling in love with this woman of God.  (that sentence is NOT paraphrased)  The more that we talk, God is showing me in every way just how amazing she is.  The more I get to know her, the more that I love her.  He keeps showing me His hand in this every step of the way.  Through all of my objections, I keep seeing and hearing that she is the one that He has for me.

As soon as I read that first sentence, my hand goes up to my mouth, and I gasp.  I start trembling.  And shaking.  And my eyes start filling up.  And I look at him, and just look.

He puts his phone away again very calmly I might add.  And then says:

"Alex, I am falling in love with you.  You are amazing.  And the more that I know you, the more that I am falling in love with you.  Will you give me permission to court you?"

To which I respond, with both hands to my mouth now, and nod repeatedly.  And not stop smiling.  He then goes, "So, is that a yes?"

I take my hands off my mouth and gasp out a pathetic yes. lol  And I still can't stop smiling.

(Even now, typing this out, my eyes are once again filled with tears.  And I can't stop smiling.  And my heart is pounding.  How I love this man so.)

I then go back home, and leave this message, written with sharpie, on a napkin, by the coffee machine where my roommate can read it, "He asked to court me tonight!"  (or some version of that)

And thus began our courtship.  In June.  About 2-3 weeks after we were matched on E-Harmony.

We knew where this was heading.  We acknowledged it.  We told our accountability partners.  And we continued to pray.  And he would text me, "Good morning, beautiful."  every morning.  And he would call me on the weekends with, "Good morning, beautiful".  And we chose to not kiss, or even hold hands.  But to not allow the physical stuff to get in the way of getting to know each other.  (Neither one of us wanted that temptation to be even more expounded and difficult.)

And then, July hit.

After discussing with the bro & sis, and after praying about it, I decided to ask for some days off and head up to NM w/ him to meet his two best friends getting married.  (to each other, in case anyone needs clarification on that one...)

Our first road trip together, after only knowing each other for maybe 3 weeks.  maybe a month.

Major discussion happened on that trip.  A lot of tears.  A lot of sharing.  But also, a lot of laughs.

And a lot of being spoiled by this man.  Who took me to the dinosaur museum.  And bought me a project to do w/ my kiddos.  And let me gasp and ohhh and ahhhh.  And didn't mind that I let all of my science nerdiness out in full force, in public.  And who actually joined in the nerdiness.

And we both realized....the beginning of the end....of our singleness season....

I loved his best friends.  And miss them terribly as they live far away.  But we knew that this courtship was heading into marriage.  We just didn't know the timeline of it all.  (By the way...during this trip was the first time that we held hands, if I remember correctly...)

So fast forward.  July 2013.  And just two months into our courtship, we finally decide to head to my church to check it out (my old church, that is...).  We're in the parking lot outside the apartments, and I start dusting off his shirt due to cat hair or some such, and I tell him to turn around.  And he says, hold on, as I'm trying to grab his shoulder to turn around...

And then he bends down on one knee, in a beautiful cool morning (okay, cool for Texas summers), with quiet all around, sunshine blazing, birds singing, and nobody at all around us), and asks, "Will you do me the honor of marrying me and becoming my wife?"

To which I respond, once again, with hands to mouth and nodding. LOL  I am HORRIBLE at spontaneous reactions. LOLOLOL

I say yes, he puts on the ring, and I hug this man til I can't hug no more.

The ring is beautiful.  And the only piece of jewelry that I wear, and miss, when it's not on my finger.

So, we begin planning for a December wedding.  The day after I get out of work, actually.  So that way I have Christmas break for our honeymoon, and I'm not having to worry about work, and he can take his vacation time, etc.

Anywho...

Fast forward.  Add some drama to my life.  And then a double dose of more drama.  Now a triple dose.

And we pray.  And seek counsel.  And pray some more, together.

I don't want to wait.  I'm ready.  I don't want to deal w/ the stress of planning this wedding.  (For stressed I most certainly am...just ask the three people who were helping me try to plan this wedding.  Many, many tears were involved, and it was only in the beginning stages.)  Not only that, but other things were going down in my life.  And I didn't want to wait.  I've waited so long for this man.  I've waited 12 years for this man.

And, I realize.  I'm ready.  I...really....am....ready.  I don't want the hype.  The pomp.  Or anything else.  I want...quiet.  And peace.  And....to have time to enjoy.

So we decide to quietly elope.  (What every woman thinks about, is what I've been told.)  And we have a dear friend of his witness and lead us into this new season together.  Eric, I and God.  What I wanted to begin with.  What I longed for with all of my heart.

And what most of you don't know, was that was two weeks before we did the courthouse proceedings.  So, I've technically been married twice. :) lol  FB only got to see those pics.  :)  And Eric and I now joke that I get more presents in the month of August: 2 anniversary dates, and my birthday. lol  I really do like presents...and I love giving those random ones too!

So, that's the story of us.

How we met.  Became in love.  And married.

With no regrets.  I love this man.  I...can no longer imagine life without this man by my side.  He supports me, strengthens me, encourages me, and holds me when I break down.  He is gentle, kind, strong, weak (his reliance on the Lord...just...amazes this stubborn me so much).  He is everything I have been praying for for so long.

And to think...

I almost gave in to the counterfeit.  I almost settled with something that was so very less than the best He had for me.

Now that you know the story of us, if you want to come celebrate with us, let me know.  We'd love to have you.  We'd love for you to be a very special part of our very unique family.

Why?

Because He has placed me in a new family now.  A family that I have longed for, prayed for.  (omg I'm seriously crying buckets right now)  He has taken what this orphan heart, and has filled it with so much joy, peace, happiness.  He has made me new.

And as I sit and type this, with tears pouring down my face, and sobs chocking out my mouth, I cannot convey just how truly blessed I am.  To have each and every one of my spiritual family to be a part of this.  To realize just how each of you have encouraged me, and continue to do so.  You all have been a part of this journey with me.  You have seen me, watched me, helped mold and shape me, helped to grow me up and strengthen me.  And I would never have been able to go on this journey of "us" if it wasn't for every single one of you.

And I am thankful and so very grateful to you.  My heart is overflowing.  For those near.  And for those far away.

Every. single. one. of. you. played a part in this.

I cannot stress this enough.

And to my new family.  The new ones that have taken me in as their own.

Paul.  Rachel.  Pops & Peg.

You all have no idea just how much you've filled the hole in my heart.  (and yes, I'm sobbing once again.)  A hole that so many didn't know was there.  Except for the few I allowed in.  How my heart has been crying out for family.  For...something that has been so hard to explain.

To see so many around me, and yet to feel so far apart.  To only realize now that I have a family who has taken me in.  And encouraged.  And...just....I so wish I could explain this better.  But just know that you all have no idea just how much you mean to me.

And for those of you all who are my extended spiritual family, my real family in my eyes, who have stuck with me through so much...the counselling, the anger and rages, the going out to parks and beating trees up with measly sticks....who have sat at park benches in nasty humidity and let me talk and pour out my heart, who called me every holiday, or texted me, knowing that I hated holidays...to those of you who have witnessed my deliverance, my kicking the cocoon and emerging into this gorgeous butterfly, or flower if you hate butterflies....to those of you who have given me words, encouraged me, spoke your mind, and called me out on my crap....to those of you who have NEVER given up on me when so many times I gave up on myself...

Thank you.

It's because of you all that I'm sitting here, typing as my husband is at church, sitting here getting ready for our photo shoot session for our pictures.

It's because of you, your prayers, your words.

It's because of you that I waited.  It's because of you that I didn't end my life during those very, very dark times when all I wanted was to commit suicide.  It was because of you that I held on to the promises that were given to me.  It was because of you that God showed me the meaning of what being in His family is.  It was because of each one of you that I never lost hope, when everything around me seemed so hopeless.  In the darkest of seasons, in the darkest of the storms, you never let me go; you held on; you hugged me; you let me cry on your shoulder; you cried with me, and mourned with me; you wiped the tears off my face and handed me tissues.

So.

Thank you.

I love you.

And I hope every single one of you will be able to come celebrate this thankful heart for all that you have done for me.

In Him,
Alex

My first ever marriage proposal

Yes.  Yes.  You read that right.  I promise.

It's kind of a long story.  I won't go into too much detail of the story, except the important parts. :)  (I think it helps that I can snort-laugh about it now.)

So, here's how it kinda-sorta happened.

This past weekend, I decided to end the, uh, whatever it was...friendship, relationship, whatever you want to call it with the guy I had been praying about seeing befriending (dear God what do people call this stuff?!?).  With much council and wisdom, and some serious prayer, I knew that he wasn't the Boaz for me.  And I was okay with that (remember that Christine Caine pic floating around FB??). :)  So, after some brief, errr, "conversation", I wished him well and went on my merry way.

Fast forward a few days...to, well, yesterday.  To where the, uh, "conversation" went something like this:

guy: :(

me: ?

guy: i miss you

me: sorry... (don't judge me...I'm not necessarily the sentimental type, k?)


guy: wanna get married? (and yes, he was SERIOUS)


me: ??? (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!? whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat running through my head...enter crickets on the scene)


guy: aww ok

me: (after some seriously long moments of excusing myself from said, er, conversation, and talking w/ the mamas in the room on how to shake this guy)  A lot would need to happen for that.

guy: aww you don't love me

me: (where in HELL idea did love come into this?!?!  I never said that!!!! whaaaaaaaaaaaaatt?????)  I've only known you for 2 1/2 months.  Of course I don't love you.  You don't love me either.  You'll be fine.  (sorry if that seemed heartless....but, well, when you don't take no for an answer after several nice attempts, I just stop plain being nice and aim for slightly less brutal w/ lots of bluntness thrown in)


guy: yes I do

me: (name of guy), you need to provide a home for me.  I want a house.  I want a man who has a strong relationship with the Lord.  I want a man who's willing to pursue me and pick me up for dates.

guy: Okay.  I hope you find that.  Sorry to bother you.

END SCENE

Now, do I normally blab about something like this?  No.  But I promise, there's a lesson in this! :)

1. If you think I'm willing to settle, back away from the bus, buddy.  It ain't happening.  Besides, the bestie would slap me silly if I ever did.  Followed in line by the roommate and bestie #2.

2. I'm worth WAY MORE than a text proposal (yeah, it was via text messages amidst prior conversations we had had face to face).  If you don't see that, well, you are SO not the one for me, honey.  Read #1.

3. You've gotta see the humor in this.  In the fact that, bless his heart, yeah, he liked me.  Yeah, he totally went about this the so wrong way.  But I thanked him anyway for his interest and moved on.  When before, I would've flat run him over with Bert due to how fast I sped away from this type of stuff just 6 months ago.  I'd say that's progress!!

4. Through this all, as I talked w/ the bestie, I sat and laughed and giggled about what a story this would make.  Which means that I'm okay.  I've gotten through the emotions of disappointment and frustration, and have moved on to joy and laughter.  To know that, overall, I'm okay once again. :)  And that I do have the power to choose and say "no" (read previous blogs....this is a biggie for me to overcome, especially when it comes to men!)

So, there you have it, peeps.  My first ever marriage proposal.

Boy, do I have a great story to tell the (possible) future husband! haha :)  But he better not propose to me through text message.  I just might clobber him. ;)

Keep your eyes open

Today, well, the past few days, I've felt this need to write.  And write some more.

To write what was on my heart.  To let go of some things.  To just...unburden myself.  And allow all of the emotions to flow.  That's one of the things I was told I was good at...writing down my emotions.  I can't always express them, but when I write, everything just seems to flow from pen to paper.

Today was no different.  As I sat at my desk, getting ready for the holiday festivities, I finally picked up my stationary set and pen and just let everything flow.

Doubts.  Fears.  Anger.  Tears.  And longing.  So much longing.

And as I sat and wrote, this song kept playing in my head:

And over and over, the whisper of His voice as I wrote...to not give up, to keep on going.  To keep my eyes open.  To not let go.  To not lose hope.  Even amidst my frustration and angst.  "'cause if you never leave home never let go you'll never make it to the great unknown...so show me your fire, show me your heart, you know I'll never let you fall apart, if you keep your eyes open, my love"

And I just burst into tears.  This past week just hit me.  The ending of something.  Well, more than one thing. And how so many changes have come up.  And that yeah, right now, my heart feels a bit broken and shattered at the realization that I need to let go of some things.

But I'm also reminded to not give up hope, even when that's all I want to do in my flesh.  To keep holding on.  To keep my eyes open.

But also to keep walking in Him.  In His light.  His voice.  His love.  "So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love"

 All of that to say...

If you're at the point where you're so frustrated, and you want to give in....

When all you see is the darkness around you....

When you've lost hope in the promises given, or the words spoken...

Keep your eyes open.

Keep them focused on Him.

Don't look away.

Don't give up.

Crawl if you must.

Dig into the ground and elbow your way through the muck.

But keep your eyes open.

The mountain may seem large, but I promise, it's not.

It may seem unsurmountable, unattainable...

But it's not.

Because I serve a God who makes all things possible.

Paves a way where there is none.

Opens the floodgates of hope when we choose to keep our eyes on Him.

Not on our circumstances.

Not on our status quo.

Not on our relationship(s), or lack of them.

But when we are so focused on Him,

His eyes,

His heart,

His face,

His voice.

When we are so focused on Him,

That's all we say.

So, today, I'm letting that be my anthem, my theme, for this season, as I allow my heart to feel emotions, to break, to cry, to tear, to anger, and to doubt.  I'm remembering that through it all, my eyes will still remain focused on Him.

And that brings me a comfort, a peace, a joy....that I can't even begin to describe.

Because I know that, ultimately, this leads to another chain broken, another thing being set free.  Another petal in my flower to be allowed to bloom.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

And all that is within me, praise and bless His holy name.

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex

It's time to step in!

The water's high and rising even more.  The past 2 days have been...woooooooow.  Between packing, moving and Jesus, it's been a whirlwind week! :)

"Raise up an army of laid down lovers"

I think to try to explain everything that's been going on would take a REALLY long time.  So, I'll try to be brief (as I'm taking a break of sorts) then come back to it later again today.

I got wasted in the Holy Spirit.  And it was like....whoa!  Way better than chocolate wasted, by the way! :)  AND dancing too! Whoaaaaa! hahahahahahaha

Some healing/restoration needed to happen.  Some more freedom needed to rain down.  And I needed to understand just who I am.  It's almost like this past 2 1/2 months have been this constant feeding of right mindsets, right thinking, casting out the old, renewing the mind, transforming...ever-changing.  After the 2 years of getting rid of junk, it's been a season of replacement...old patterns, old mindsets, old habits, old goals and desires.  Now, it's been time to take a step out into faith and begin to grow-up in who He has made me to be.  And WHAT a journey of discovery (ha!  I sorta had a rhythm going in my head there for a moment! haha).

My heart's just growing bigger.  More in love with Daddy God than ever before.  And dancing with my King.

And not apologizing for who He's made me to be.  And looking to Him for my approval and acceptance. :)

Well, folks, it seems I'm right where He wants me to be this new season of my life.  And I'm so looking forward to exploring this new place! :)

So this is what it feels like...

I've posted this song before, but I'm doin' it again...'cause I can.  And then I'll explain. :)

This morning, I woke up from a dream with complete peace.  A peace that surpassed even my understanding.  I won't share all the details on cyberworld, but I'll gladly share some.  I was in an old room of mine, packing up, clearing things away, when someone walked in, threw their jacket on the bed, got up in my face, and said, "Just letting you know, but as soon as I'm done with this-", and the person pointed a finger up towards the ceiling of the room opposite of where we were standing, "-you need to leave.  You can keep the house, or you can leave."  And then the person waited for my decision.  Mind you, there was no fear when the person came up to my face.  NO. FEAR.  I just looked at the person and said, "I'm just here to clean out my things, and take what I need back.  Everything else is garbage and will be thrown away.  Then I'm going home.  This isn't home anymore.  This is just a room inside a house that I no longer live in and no longer want.  You can keep your house.  I am packing up.  I'll be done by morning."  (which is when the deadline was set, as the person was leaving in the morning)  The person just looked at me intently, and I looked back.  Again, face-to-face.  With. no. fear. I REPEAT.  No fear.  In my heart, as the person was looking at me, I knew that this was my goodbye.  That I would never come back to this place again.  And a peace came into me.  That's when I woke up, in peace and prayerful.  I asked the Lord immediately what that dream meant.  And He said that it was my way of saying good-bye.  "This is no longer my home."  He has created something new in me.  Has been for a very long time.

It's been a long battle.  A battle wrought with tears, anger, frustration, depression, fights and more determination than I think I knew I had.  So, again asking Him what this dream meant...it was a final realization that what He has been doing in me...IT IS FINISHED.  This process of healing/deliverance is finished, and I said my good-byes to the past, to the things that my heart needed to let go of.  And I laid them at the foot of the Cross.  And I sat and weeped and weeped and weeped with joy, just as I'm doing now, sobs racking my body.

That place is no longer my home.  I have a new home now.  It resides in freedom.  In healing.  In deliverance.  It resides in the joy of the Lord.  It resides with my Daddy God.  And I cannot help but weep with joy.  The battle that has been waged has been oh so very long.  And all I can do is weep and weep and weep with joy as He shows me the glimpses of prayers, the cries, the tears, the battles waged...and how at this one single moment, He has pieced it all together and said, "Well done, beautiful one.  Well done.  I love you."

So this is what it feels like to be free.  To be whole.  To be healed.  To receive it, and Him tell me, "It is finished."  And to lay it at the Cross, knowing that He is good.

So, I live you with one more song...a song that I cannot help but weep to in joy as I sit and listen to it.  And know, dear ones, that I am praying over each one of you reading this.  That just as He has taken me through this journey, so He'll take you through yours: of restoration, deliverance, healing, and learning to overcome.  So hang on, dear ones.  Don't let go.  Even when all you have is one single fingernail on the grips of the ledge, DON'T LET GO!  You're hope is coming!  Your healing is coming!  Deliverance is coming!!!!

Haggai Chapter 2 (from Biblegateway.com, Amplified version)

   4 But now take courage, Zerubbabel, says the LORD. Take courage, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Take courage, all you people still left in the land, says the LORD. Take courage and work, for I am with you, says the LORD Almighty. 5 My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid. 6 "For this is what the LORD Almighty says: In just a little while I will again shake the heavens and the earth. I will shake the oceans and the dry land, too. 7 I will shake all the nations, and the treasures of all the nations will come to this Temple. I will fill this place with glory, says the LORD Almighty. 8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, says the LORD Almighty. 9 The future glory of this Temple will be greater than its past glory, says the LORD Almighty. And in this place I will bring peace. I, the LORD Almighty, have spoken!" 
20 The LORD sent this second message to Haggai on December 18 : 
 ²¹Speak to Zerubbabel [the representative of the Davidic monarchy and covenant and in direct line of the ancestry of Jesus Christ] governor of Judah, saying, I will shake the heavens and the earth;^{(C)
    22}And I will [in the distant future] overthrow the throne of kingdoms and I will destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the [ungodly] nations, and I will overthrow the chariots and those who ride in them, and the horses and their riders shall go down, every one by the sword of his brother.^{(D)
    23}In that day, says the Lord of hosts, will I take you, O Zerubbabel, My servant, the son of Shealtiel, says the Lord, and will make you [through the Messiah, your descendant] My signet ring; for I have chosen you [as the one with whom to renew My covenant to David's line], says the Lord of hosts.

Zerubbabel, by Rick Pino

I saw them

I saw them
How'd I get so close oh God


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored, woo hoo
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored


Restore innocence oh, God
Restore innocence of this generation, Lord
Yeah!
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
Innocent ones


Listen
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored


This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation, oh, is coming out of confusion
Come out of your sexual confusion
Come out of your doctrinal confusion, yeah


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, woo hoo
My innocence is restored
It's restored
Yeah, yeah


No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation, yeah
No more confusion for my generation
Cause when you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
Be excellent in what is good
Be innocent of evil

Oh my beautiful, wonderful stars!! :)

So, today was an incredibly amazing day.  Why?  Not because something spectacular happened (because it didn't).  Not because of a special occasion (other than Papa T's bday, which of course is special!).  But because I got to just...do fun stuff. :)  I mean, I do fun stuff frequently.  But today, I went DRESS shopping.  Yes, that's right.  Dress shopping.

If you know me well, you kinda know what a big deal this is for me.  I maybe buy one dress.  Once a year.  Usually around my birthday so I can have an excuse to dress up.  (Probably one of the only, rarest of times, I dress up completely, make-up, hair and all.)  Not only did I buy a dress, but it was in a lower size (yippee for workouts!) than previously owned/bought dresses. :)  And it has a belt. (which are my least favorite things in the world)

That being said, I even BOUGHT JEWELRY.  Yes.  That's right.  AND my little earrings (clip-on since I can't actually wear earrings...)

AND I busted out the 4 inch heels.  (I know...everyone should be gasping by now. haha)

That being said...I paraded around the house in my heels.  Why?  Uh, 'cause those things are miserably uncomfortable, and I hate wearing heels, and I wanted to practice on 'em.  (I know...I'm such a nerd.  But you all love me anyway!)

Anywho...I just felt like dressing up for tomorrow evening.  So, I'm gonna do it.  I am even going to try out a new hairdo.

Which got me to thinking.  'Cause I had forgotten about this...

Now, officially, 1 more day before June 12th.  It's a little weird, thinking about it.  Was talking to the roomie...it's just...weird.  I mean, that means that I'm free to have romance in the life, if He brings it that way.

Just...weird! haha  Not in a bad way, but more like...that hasn't really been what I've been dwelling on for the past year.  I've been focused on healing, freedom, deliverance...sitting before Him, learning His heart, His likes, dislikes...understanding Him as a lover, a friend, my husband, my all in all.

And dressing up, well, playing practice dress-up, reminded me of how much I want to please Him so.  As I was walking, practicing the hairdo, etc., all I kept hearing was that He said I'm beautiful. :)  Which made me giddy like a school girl! haha  And that the outward is showing what's going on in the inward parts.  Freedom.  Healing.  Deliverance.

Little by little, the pieces of the things that have tied me down, burdened, placed so much heaviness and strife...are falling away.  It doesn't mean life is easier.  It just means that I'm understanding how to walk in freedom.

Some days are better than others.  But I'm learning how to battle.  How to fight.  How to become the woman who He has created, and loved on.  I'm learning that what others see in me, isn't just them being nice, but is the truth.  The lies are falling away, and the truth is becoming unveiled, piece by piece.

And the great thing is...all I want to do now is dance, and jump, and laugh, and play, and rejoice, and run free.

Which is probably why I've been dancing so much lately. Even in the car.  (I get the most oddest looks sometimes...even had a guy staring at me from his rearview mirror...which I just waved to him, actually.)  It's been SOOOOO amazing to be free.  Truly free.  The puzzle pieces have been coming together.  There's no confusion.  So strife.

There's just a learning how, step by step, to walk out this freedom.  And a daily reminder to not pick up what was left behind, flung off, and thrown aside.

With that being said, 1 more day.  But a lifetime of loving my Abba, my Lord, my Husband, the Lover of me. :)  Can't wait!!!!!! :)