Things Unseen.....1/7/16

Life has been...different.  It's been...weird, to say the least.  I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet.  A different stress.  A different life.

By all means, please don't hear complaint.  I'm not complaining.  It's different.

I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek.  And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.

You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless.  I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.

There, I said it.  Depression.  The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.

I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face.  Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down.  I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years.  The last one was...terrifying.

I remember the first time it happened.  I almost committed suicide.  I was ready to give up, give in.  Instead, He brought me to Jesus.  It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace.  If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.

Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction.  Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place.  He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light.  He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me.  He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance.  This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.

Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different.  It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing.  The darkness name: sexual abuse.  I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it.  The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness.  I was...broken.  I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing.  To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this.  Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive.  Some days are better than others.  Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come.  The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything.  So, some nights, some days are better than others.  My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare.  (This a few years later, after the counseling.)

After counseling, I was...free.  God opened so many doors, so many friendships.  He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.

Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness.  The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.

And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!

With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT!  He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning.  He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley.  As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful.  To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.

Hold on, Beloved.  Hold on.  FIGHT!  Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in.  Instead, make a way for Me!  Instead, worship Me!  Instead, honor Me!  Instead, love Me!  AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU!  I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!

With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus!  Yes!!  I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope.  Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You.  I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed.  I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.

Above all...I will love.  I will love.

My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  FIGHT!  Believe!  Seek!  And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness.  There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.

"And you're going to hear me roar"......7-5-14

Never has a song been so fitting for this season in my life.  This past week, I had the honor and privilege of not only coming up with the songs for our talent showcase, but also the choreography for both my kinder boys and girls.  (I split them up rather than teach all 28 one song.  I enjoy my sanity.)  For the girls, I chose "Roar" by Katy Perry and "#thatPower" by Will.i.am for my boys.

As I was practicing with the girls, and as we were talking about the lyrics, I noticed that my girls were REALLY getting into the song.  They began to REALLY believe that they ARE champions, and that they are amazing.  I could see their confidence boost as they got the dance routine down in 2 hours (no, I'm not joking...it only took 2 hours, and every single line had at least 1 step/move to go along with it, plus memorizing the entire song).  And then, on the day of the performance, when I added a NEW move, and they got that down in 30 minutes.  Yeah, my girls are pretty impressive and amazing.

But what I found awesome was that the more that I worked with them, the more that I listened to that song, I remembered that feeling of, "you're going to hear me roar".  I've GOT THIS.  I CAN DO THIS.  But always remembering to never give up.

Eric and I have been watching Season 13 of The Biggest Loser.  If I'm honest, that's probably one of my favorite seasons.  The season of NO EXCUSES.  And I've had so many.  "I can't work out.  I don't have a gym.  I don't have self-control.  I can't do this.  I'm too tired.  I lack motivation." and on and on and on it went.  As we sat watching, something began, once again, to rise up in me.

Now, now is the time for NO EXCUSES.  I can have excuses all I want.  But the bottom line is, how bad do I want it?  When every voice in my head is screaming to "Give Up", "Give In", and just lay down and wait for that death to come upon me (the death of dreams, etc.)....I remember that I am a fighter.

Oh, how that spirit of complacency gets us.  We allow ourselves to sit back and let life pass us by.  We watch others achieve the dreams we desire, and we get angry, and sometimes jealous, of all they've been able to accomplish because we ourselves can't do it.  We turn bitter and cold sometimes because our dreams have died.

I was thinking about all of this last night.  I'm sitting here looking at the tiger print headband I created for myself to match my  girls' scarves.  And my dreams are dusting themselves off and calling my name.  "Don't give up.  Don't give in."  "I've got the eye of the tiger, and you're going to hear me roar."

And can I just say that I have an amazing husband who is roaring right alongside me?!  He has refused to allow me to give up.  As a matter of fact, every time the commercials come on, he makes both of us get up and start working out, whether it be cardio, weights, squats, resistance bands....  Not only that, but he's pushing for both of us to head outside and workout, or to the gym and workout, or to the pool and workout.  My Eric has the eye of the tiger, and I am so glad that he is roaring alongside me on this journey, calling me to never give up.  He's invested himself in our eating/calories, in what we make, in the foods we invest in and buy, and in making sure that I never allow myself to give up any longer.

I think it's, once again, appropriate for the season I'm in.  It's once again time to read The Wounded Heart (can you hear my jumping for joy moment?!) and go back and dig things up and out.  BUT, there is so much hope and passion.  God has blessed me with an amazing husband who refuses to give up on our God-given dreams of being healthy and whole.  Especially since we have a goal together.  I have a certain goal that I am longing to reach.

With that being said,

My soul sings.....3/17/14

I woke up at 2 am this morning with tears running down my face, my stomach clenched in pain, and the biggest pain in my heart.  "My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you."  This is on right now, knowing that within my heart is such a sharp, intense pain of sadness.

I woke up from a dream.  In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not.  Oh, how my heart grieved.  In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong.  He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person.  Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends.  And then I woke up.

Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now.  I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong.  My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that.  So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain.  I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.

He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished.  He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it.  The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer.  But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.

As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it.  He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis.  (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear.  I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at.  This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)

He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year.  How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families.  To show a God who does NOT judge.  To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments.  To be loved on, and love them in return.  He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education.  But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much.  Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do.  This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.

He reminded me of the ministry I have at home.  Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home.  He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day.  But also our garden, my garden.  Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list.  He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.

He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven.  ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)

As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity.  He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake.  The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams.  He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart.  But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.

So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships.  Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....

There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life

"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name.  The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name.  Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man.  You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name.  Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, Defender, You are my King."

My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him.  I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me.  But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him.  The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious.  Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh*  But I'm believing.  We're both believing.  And standing.  And praying.  And fighting.  And declaring healing over my body.

But I still sing praises.  I still sing my song of Love to Him.  I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior.  I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.

I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months.  Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together.  He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart.  My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.

"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power, 
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"

In all honestly, yes, I miss my friends so much.  I also understand just how hard it is to maintain those friendships over an hour away, one-way drive.  I also realize that Eric and I are choosing, instead, to put all our money into our debt, versus spending it on extra gas or dinners.  (I even stopped my very routine trips to Starbucks, knowing that spending $5 for a cup of coffee...well, that $5 could go towards something much more meaningful, like our savings account...)

All in all, I understand why I've chosen to do what we've done.  We've a goal in mind, and we are determined to reach it one way or another.

I guess, in a way, this dream was a way to allow me to say goodbye to one life, and hello to another.  Not that I'm getting rid of relationships, by any means. But instead, gaining a new life, renewed friendships, and a heart that is ever changing, ever growing, always being molded.  My heart still wants to maintain friendships and relationships, but also asking Him how I can do it, when I'm so far away that I actually tell people I live out of town! :0)

Hmm...I smell an amazing wind blowing again.  And I rest in the arms of my Savior, my Lover, my Comforter, my King, my Abba.

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You, Jesus.  I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, Jesus."

The Story of Us........11/10/13

A few people (cough cough...many people...cough cough) have been wanting to know the story of how my husband and I met.  How we got together.  The story of...uh...us.  (Notice the title, anyone?? :) )

So, I thought what better way to go about this than on the www.  lol  No, seriously.  It's easier to tell this story once, versus 30 times.  In a row.  To all different people.  Who all want to know.

Here is the story of us.  Which I'm kinda glad my hubby is off at church while I get ready for our photo shoot session.  It gives me some time to think, reflect, and miss the heck outta this man.  (Not to mention the unfairness of men only needing, like, 30 minutes to get ready and dressed.  I need a good solid two hours, plus more if I'm gonna do fingers and toes.  Like, seriously, who thought of these rules and standards for having to get this dolled up, and then making it to where it takes FOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR to do it?!?!....sorry.....end rant now....)

Okay, so, back to the story.

In March/April 2013, during my quiet time, I kept hearing the Lord tell me it was time to go back to the whole dating scene thing.  And not just any dating scene.  Back to....OMGAREYOUFORREAL?!...online dating.  To which I told Him, in all quite frank honest, "Hell no."  Just like that.  No joke.  (For those of you Christian people who would be shocked, I'm sorry.  Please get over your shockiness.  In my quiet time, it's no holds barred, flat out tell it like it is, whether it's joyful, fearful, happy or sad, the secret place is a place to get real.  And if I'm to treat Him like my best friend, well, let's be honest.  I've got a bit of the ghetto in me. *wink wink*)  I then not only told Him no, I told Him no several times.  I wasn't going to do it.  Not after the fiasco of...um...the man who shall be left nameless.  (Eric calls him the jerk.)

Here I am, in my room, and I hear Him tell me to try E-Harmony.  Again, in my head, I'm also thinking, ummm...noooo.....I just...can't....  And then, I ignore that prompting, and live life onwards and upwards.

Fast forward to May/June 2013.  I again hear the prompting of signing up for E-harmony.  To which, after hearing it a bit more, uh, insistently, I tell the Lord...  (yeah...I know...the audacity...  But I am sooooo thankful that He meets us not only where we are at, but isn't easily offended at my, um, bumbling way of approaching things at times.)

Okay, so, I tell the Lord that in order for me to sign up for E-Harmony, a few things needs to happen:

1. I need to be able to afford it financially.  (Which, at the time, I couldn't.)
2. Before I even subscribe, I wanted 3 men to send me icebreakers showing that there was at least SOME interest in me before I put myself out there to the world.
3. I wouldn't do it if the above 2 weren't completely met.

And then, He did the unthinkable....He whispered something in my ear that made my eyes go all big, my jaw drop, and my tummy get the butterflies.  He whispered that this, was, it.  To which my response was, "Um.  No.  It's not.  I'll believe it when it happens."  But in my heart, growing like a tiny little seedling, was that seed of faith that someone had planted so many years ago.  The Word that I had gotten when I was 18 years old.

Well, I then go to the website, and I do the whole profile thing.  And as I'm doing my profile, guess what pops up in a lovely, bright box but...."Get 3 months for the price of 1."  No. Freaking.  Joke.  To which my eyes got real big like, and then I whispered, out loud, in a panic, "BUT YOU HAVEN'T MET THE OTHER REQUIREMENT YET!!  THIS FAT LADY AIN'T SINGING YET!!!!!!!"  (Yeah, not even my hubby knew that one. lol  There are just some parts of my conversation I keep real quiet like about my quiet times. lol  Probably because I really do tend to talk to Him like I talk to my best friends.  Let's be honest, if I can't be real with my God, the One who created me, who can I really be real, honest and raw with?!)

So I wait.  And within 2-3 days, I LITERALLY get three icebreakers sent my way.  Yes, exactly, THREE.  No more.  No less.  So I start looking at their profiles (mind you, I still haven't subscribed, because, well, I'm stubborn.), seeing if I like what's heading my way.  I read the first one, and was, ehhhh....  I read the second one, and respond back.  Or at least try to.  But I can't.  Because I haven't signed up yet.  And then...(my hubby can tell you the exact date.)  I read the 3rd one.  And as I start reading through the profile, I let out a gasp.  My heart leaps and jumps.  And His still, small voice comes into play: "This is the one."

I read the profile a second time.  A third.  A fourth.  Mind you, I haven't seen a picture of this man AT ALL.  All I can judge him by is his words.  And I'm liking what I'm reading.  And my heart pounds.  And I go to PB and tell her about this guy.  And that....dare I say it....I'm signing up....for E-Harmony.  AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Once I sign-up, I respond back to this "Eric" person.

And he responds.  Sends me 3 multiple choice questions.  I respond.  He sends me his must haves/can't stands; I send mine.  Then, he does the unthinkable...sends me 3 questions that I ONLY HAVE 1000 CHARACTER LIMITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For this talker, this is...TORTURE.  I despise the system at this point.  And it takes me THREE HOURS to condense my response to 1000 characters or less.  Because, I am EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!  I'm desperately trying not to get my hopes up, but I keep hearing His voice directing, guiding, leading.

I follow on.

The next step, after all of this, is email communication within the system.  So it's still secure.  No harm done.  No personal info required.  yaay

Well, we communicate and email, back and forth, for several days, multiple hours in a day.  This man makes me laugh with his words.  Makes me guess, think, question, look through scripture.  And every day I feel myself falling a bit more.  And I've only seen a few pictures of him.  (Which, later on, realized that NONE of them did him justice, by the way.  Sorry, honey.)

And then...he does the unthinkable...   But only after I tell him that I'm meeting MC for coffee one night.  He tells me HE wants to have coffee with ME.  Say whaaattt?!?!  He doesn't know this, but I had a mini-heart attack right there on  the spot.  OMGHEWANTSTOMEETMENOOOOOOOOOOOO.  (Okay, so I realize that my self-image and self-confidence still needs quite a bit of work at times....)

My response: "I'd love to have coffee with you.  Just let me know when and where."  <---HA  Further proof I can pretend I'm cool, calm & collected. :)  man, I'm good!! lol

We make plans to meet at an IHOP near the two of us.  And in between the times, we are texting back and forth.  And he makes me laugh.  Makes me think.  And sends me scriptures.

We meet.  We laugh.  And we spend FIVE HOURS talking to each other on our "date".  We go from IHOP to HEB, and all the way we are talking.  And neither one of us wants to end it, but we have to, 'cause I have to be at work at the crack of freakin' dawn.

And...we're both comfortable.

So, we continue texting.  And the more we get to know each other, the more that we are slowly tuned towards each other.  (I hate the word falling in this aspect, but for lack of better terminology, this may be what you get for right now.)  We talk about our beliefs, our values, morals...everything.  Nothing is held back.

And a response of his that I still remember to this day, "Every objection I could possibly have, God has taken it in your life and showed His blessings and grace.  It just makes you more and more desirable for courtship."  OMG did my heart just go all googly-eyed on that one.  (I am such a girly sap! lol)

You see, he had NO IDEA what the Word was that was given to me when I was 18.  Some of you do.  I've told you.  I still have it written down.  "The first man to ask to court you will be your husband."  I've held on to that word for many, many years.  And had slowly started to give up on it.  Through tears, anger, rage, battles, and seasons of no romantic thoughts whatsoever; through being asked in the secret place if I was willing to give up any thought of marriage and remain single...this word was still there, just waiting, being planted, watered, growing, pruning....  What a faithful Abba Father I have.

And then fast forward, to one fateful evening, at REALLY LATE FOR THE BOTH OF US night.  I had an anxiety attack.  In the middle of my conversation, on the phone, with Eric.  Over some outside circumstances that were happening that didn't involve me one iotta.  And his response: you haven't eaten dinner; come over, meet at IHOP; let me buy you dinner; be safe.

I drive up to his apartment complex on my way to swing by and pick him up (hey...fair exchange for dinner and dealing with all the drama of me), and there is this knock on the window.  I roll my window down, and he presents me with a single red rose and the following words: "I wanted to get you something to make you smile through the bad."  And I desperately try to compose myself.  Even now, tears are in my eyes and I try to be, uh, somewhat normal....  (as my husband says, it's allergies...)

My smile is a mile wide.  This is the first time I've received flowers from a man.  I...wow....just....I can't stop smiling.

We drive to IHOP.  And he lets me talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And because we have a certain rule between the two of us, he laid out a notebook, Bible and pen between the two of us.  And we continue to talk.  And read scripture to each other.  And discuss scripture.  And I begin to tell him bits and pieces of my testimony.  Not everything.  Just...the important parts to help him understand why my reaction was so horrific to this outside circumstance.

(Now, for this next part, you have to understand our rule of having no cell phones out while we are with each other.  We only saw each other once a week, Sundays....so...we didn't want technology to interfere with our times together.)

Anywho...

He stops me, pulls out his phone, scrolls down and asks me to read something.

It was a text conversation between him and his best friend (well, one of them).  It went something like this:

EF:  Please pray.  Alex is driving down.  She's really upset about something, so I told her to come down, eat and talk it out.

RB: Okay.  Will do.  Praying for both of you.

EF: R____, I believe that I'm falling in love with this woman of God.  (that sentence is NOT paraphrased)  The more that we talk, God is showing me in every way just how amazing she is.  The more I get to know her, the more that I love her.  He keeps showing me His hand in this every step of the way.  Through all of my objections, I keep seeing and hearing that she is the one that He has for me.

As soon as I read that first sentence, my hand goes up to my mouth, and I gasp.  I start trembling.  And shaking.  And my eyes start filling up.  And I look at him, and just look.

He puts his phone away again very calmly I might add.  And then says:

"Alex, I am falling in love with you.  You are amazing.  And the more that I know you, the more that I am falling in love with you.  Will you give me permission to court you?"

To which I respond, with both hands to my mouth now, and nod repeatedly.  And not stop smiling.  He then goes, "So, is that a yes?"

I take my hands off my mouth and gasp out a pathetic yes. lol  And I still can't stop smiling.

(Even now, typing this out, my eyes are once again filled with tears.  And I can't stop smiling.  And my heart is pounding.  How I love this man so.)

I then go back home, and leave this message, written with sharpie, on a napkin, by the coffee machine where my roommate can read it, "He asked to court me tonight!"  (or some version of that)

And thus began our courtship.  In June.  About 2-3 weeks after we were matched on E-Harmony.

We knew where this was heading.  We acknowledged it.  We told our accountability partners.  And we continued to pray.  And he would text me, "Good morning, beautiful."  every morning.  And he would call me on the weekends with, "Good morning, beautiful".  And we chose to not kiss, or even hold hands.  But to not allow the physical stuff to get in the way of getting to know each other.  (Neither one of us wanted that temptation to be even more expounded and difficult.)

And then, July hit.

After discussing with the bro & sis, and after praying about it, I decided to ask for some days off and head up to NM w/ him to meet his two best friends getting married.  (to each other, in case anyone needs clarification on that one...)

Our first road trip together, after only knowing each other for maybe 3 weeks.  maybe a month.

Major discussion happened on that trip.  A lot of tears.  A lot of sharing.  But also, a lot of laughs.

And a lot of being spoiled by this man.  Who took me to the dinosaur museum.  And bought me a project to do w/ my kiddos.  And let me gasp and ohhh and ahhhh.  And didn't mind that I let all of my science nerdiness out in full force, in public.  And who actually joined in the nerdiness.

And we both realized....the beginning of the end....of our singleness season....

I loved his best friends.  And miss them terribly as they live far away.  But we knew that this courtship was heading into marriage.  We just didn't know the timeline of it all.  (By the way...during this trip was the first time that we held hands, if I remember correctly...)

So fast forward.  July 2013.  And just two months into our courtship, we finally decide to head to my church to check it out (my old church, that is...).  We're in the parking lot outside the apartments, and I start dusting off his shirt due to cat hair or some such, and I tell him to turn around.  And he says, hold on, as I'm trying to grab his shoulder to turn around...

And then he bends down on one knee, in a beautiful cool morning (okay, cool for Texas summers), with quiet all around, sunshine blazing, birds singing, and nobody at all around us), and asks, "Will you do me the honor of marrying me and becoming my wife?"

To which I respond, once again, with hands to mouth and nodding. LOL  I am HORRIBLE at spontaneous reactions. LOLOLOL

I say yes, he puts on the ring, and I hug this man til I can't hug no more.

The ring is beautiful.  And the only piece of jewelry that I wear, and miss, when it's not on my finger.

So, we begin planning for a December wedding.  The day after I get out of work, actually.  So that way I have Christmas break for our honeymoon, and I'm not having to worry about work, and he can take his vacation time, etc.

Anywho...

Fast forward.  Add some drama to my life.  And then a double dose of more drama.  Now a triple dose.

And we pray.  And seek counsel.  And pray some more, together.

I don't want to wait.  I'm ready.  I don't want to deal w/ the stress of planning this wedding.  (For stressed I most certainly am...just ask the three people who were helping me try to plan this wedding.  Many, many tears were involved, and it was only in the beginning stages.)  Not only that, but other things were going down in my life.  And I didn't want to wait.  I've waited so long for this man.  I've waited 12 years for this man.

And, I realize.  I'm ready.  I...really....am....ready.  I don't want the hype.  The pomp.  Or anything else.  I want...quiet.  And peace.  And....to have time to enjoy.

So we decide to quietly elope.  (What every woman thinks about, is what I've been told.)  And we have a dear friend of his witness and lead us into this new season together.  Eric, I and God.  What I wanted to begin with.  What I longed for with all of my heart.

And what most of you don't know, was that was two weeks before we did the courthouse proceedings.  So, I've technically been married twice. :) lol  FB only got to see those pics.  :)  And Eric and I now joke that I get more presents in the month of August: 2 anniversary dates, and my birthday. lol  I really do like presents...and I love giving those random ones too!

So, that's the story of us.

How we met.  Became in love.  And married.

With no regrets.  I love this man.  I...can no longer imagine life without this man by my side.  He supports me, strengthens me, encourages me, and holds me when I break down.  He is gentle, kind, strong, weak (his reliance on the Lord...just...amazes this stubborn me so much).  He is everything I have been praying for for so long.

And to think...

I almost gave in to the counterfeit.  I almost settled with something that was so very less than the best He had for me.

Now that you know the story of us, if you want to come celebrate with us, let me know.  We'd love to have you.  We'd love for you to be a very special part of our very unique family.

Why?

Because He has placed me in a new family now.  A family that I have longed for, prayed for.  (omg I'm seriously crying buckets right now)  He has taken what this orphan heart, and has filled it with so much joy, peace, happiness.  He has made me new.

And as I sit and type this, with tears pouring down my face, and sobs chocking out my mouth, I cannot convey just how truly blessed I am.  To have each and every one of my spiritual family to be a part of this.  To realize just how each of you have encouraged me, and continue to do so.  You all have been a part of this journey with me.  You have seen me, watched me, helped mold and shape me, helped to grow me up and strengthen me.  And I would never have been able to go on this journey of "us" if it wasn't for every single one of you.

And I am thankful and so very grateful to you.  My heart is overflowing.  For those near.  And for those far away.

Every. single. one. of. you. played a part in this.

I cannot stress this enough.

And to my new family.  The new ones that have taken me in as their own.

Paul.  Rachel.  Pops & Peg.

You all have no idea just how much you've filled the hole in my heart.  (and yes, I'm sobbing once again.)  A hole that so many didn't know was there.  Except for the few I allowed in.  How my heart has been crying out for family.  For...something that has been so hard to explain.

To see so many around me, and yet to feel so far apart.  To only realize now that I have a family who has taken me in.  And encouraged.  And...just....I so wish I could explain this better.  But just know that you all have no idea just how much you mean to me.

And for those of you all who are my extended spiritual family, my real family in my eyes, who have stuck with me through so much...the counselling, the anger and rages, the going out to parks and beating trees up with measly sticks....who have sat at park benches in nasty humidity and let me talk and pour out my heart, who called me every holiday, or texted me, knowing that I hated holidays...to those of you who have witnessed my deliverance, my kicking the cocoon and emerging into this gorgeous butterfly, or flower if you hate butterflies....to those of you who have given me words, encouraged me, spoke your mind, and called me out on my crap....to those of you who have NEVER given up on me when so many times I gave up on myself...

Thank you.

It's because of you all that I'm sitting here, typing as my husband is at church, sitting here getting ready for our photo shoot session for our pictures.

It's because of you, your prayers, your words.

It's because of you that I waited.  It's because of you that I didn't end my life during those very, very dark times when all I wanted was to commit suicide.  It was because of you that I held on to the promises that were given to me.  It was because of you that God showed me the meaning of what being in His family is.  It was because of each one of you that I never lost hope, when everything around me seemed so hopeless.  In the darkest of seasons, in the darkest of the storms, you never let me go; you held on; you hugged me; you let me cry on your shoulder; you cried with me, and mourned with me; you wiped the tears off my face and handed me tissues.

So.

Thank you.

I love you.

And I hope every single one of you will be able to come celebrate this thankful heart for all that you have done for me.

In Him,
Alex

6 Months Progress Report: 4-17-13 to 5-17-13

SIX MONTHS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh my golly!!  I can't believe it's been six months since this journey has started.  Half a year.  Almost to my birthday soon.  Half a year.  And man, has it been a battle!! Been I have made it this far, and for the most part, have kept it off!!  Hall-le-freakin-lujah!!

It's been six months of ups, downs, inside outs, and so much more.  This month has been the hardest of it all, I think.  So much has been going on, both physically, mentally and emotionally.  Needless to say, that means spiritually too.

From work schedule, to school schedule, to more work schedule, and then personal life happens, and so does the crap from it all.  All of that, and still able to lose 4.8 lbs this month.  And that's with inconsistent workouts due to all of the scheduling issues.

Man, is my God good!! :)

NSVs:

1. When I tried on jeans last month from my "new to me" side of the closet, they fit perfectly.  Now, they fit loose. :)

2.  My hips no longer touch the sides of the arc trainer.  AT ALL.  Period.  Nada.  No rub off!!  I've waited 6 long freakin' months to stop having friction burns on my hips! lol

3.  When I go grocery shopping, I now constantly look at the nutrition facts, and base my eating habits of buying stuff from reading labels, figuring out what foods are good for me, etc.  I plan my meals the same way.  That's been a HUGE change from even just a few months ago.  It has become 2nd nature to look at the label, and if it's not good for me, put it back.  I've even stopped buying sweets for the most part (minus the frozen yogurt from healthy choice! haha).  Actually, my sweet tooth has lessened considerably.  I tend to only have dessert if I go out w/ someone, and even then don't eat most of it.  I haven't been eating as much chocolate (except for yesterday....yesterday was a bad day and I needed my cocoa people!), and haven't been craving it as much either. :)  Ah, the changing of the taste buds!

4.  19.25" down since November 17, 2012. :)

5.  I'm lasting about 1.25 miles in my walk/jog intervals.  Last month was maybe a mile.  Maybe.  Usually between .8-.9 miles. :)

6.  My ankles look cute in my running shoes.  Yes, this is important to me. :) lol

7.  My head has shrunk.  Yay! :)  So has the fat around my neck.  Double yay!  Soon, no more double chin!!  Sa-weet!!!

8.  I'm learning to control my emotions through exercise, rather than through food.  This is a HUGE victory for me.  Some days are better than others, of course, but still.  To long for a run and not a burger or a giant candy bar....that is a complete 180 from where I was at.

And now, pictures I can be proud of, the further you go down! lol

Oct/Nov 2012:

Dec 2012:

January 2013:

February 2013:

March 2013:

April 2013:

May 2013:

I'll post a few more from the past month later. :)

And tomorrow, the big Biggest Loser RunWalk Off-Road Challenge.  Mud, running,obstacles.  Dude, I'm excited!!! :)

Until next month!

Oh...and I OFFICIALLY made it to my 20 lb mark, and have kept it off. :)  Now to my 30 lb mark baby!! :)

4 month progress...2-17 to 3-17-13

4 months people!!  I can't believe it's been 4 MONTHS!!!!  OMGollygeewhiz!!  And what a battle those months have been.  But I wouldn't change it or have it any other way.  These have been hard earned, and I will display every battle scar with pride!

I have lost a total of 17.6 lbs.  And as of 3/10/13, a total of 12.75+ inches.  :)

Here's a few pics of the progress:
                                                                            October 2012

                                                                      January 2013

                                                                      February 2013

                                                                      March 2013

It's proof I'm gettin' some AWESOME curves! lol  There are pics for Nov/Dec 2012, but, uh, you don't wanna see 'em.  I promise. :)

And today, today is the day I see how far/how long I can run.  I'm sticking with my half mile, as I still haven't hit a mile on the treadmill yet.  But I am excited to see if my endurance has changed. :)  This is my personal challenge to myself.  To become a runner.  Not because I like it, but because I want to prove to myself that I have the determination, dedication and desire to finish and pursue this journey to a new, healthier me.

And because I wanna have amazing legs like Desirree H. and Debbie G.  Hell, I'd just like thinner legs! lol  Oh hell.  Just gimme smaller thighs and I'll be happy! :)  I don't care about the thigh gap.  I'd just like not so many dimples! lol

NSVs:

1. Running on the treadmill...and looking good while doing it. I meant form, people, FORM!!! haha

2. Running .17 mi dist above where I was at last month. :)  Our (meaning trainer & I) goal is to get me to run 1 mile straight on the treadmill before I try to take it to the park.  And die.  A miserable, slow death.  And continue to work from there.  I enjoy running.  I'm getting to like running.  It's getting easier to run.  No, those are all lies.  I still don't like running.  And it's not getting easier.  It just gets harder.  Because I keep pushing myself.  So, I still don't like it.  But it's becoming therapeutic.  Running has allowed me to empty my mind of all the distractions and focus on one issue at a time.  As I pound the hell out of my fat.  You should totally see my fat jiggle. ;)

3. Doing the Run/Walk...and trying not to get freaked out and saying, SCREW IT ALL!  May is coming oh so close!!

4. Even on my worst weeks, I get up, dig in, and continue this journey.  Doesn't matter how much I work out, or how little.  What matters right now is that I'm choosing to get up, rather than staying down!!

5. Gaining confidence in who I am.  And slowly liking the way my body is now.  THIS...this is HUGE!!  I'm not where I need to be, or where I want to be, but it's lovely to FINALLY look in the mirror, and begin to say to myself, "I'm looking pretty good!", as I notice my brand new curves. :)

6. Clothing. sizes.  OMGollygeewhizz!!  It's so lovely to be able to see and note differences...and have others notice it as well.  More notice, people, more notice!! haha

7.  Spiritual differences.  I'm more focused on my faith, on Him, on how He's transforming my heart, soul, mind and spirit, than I am focused on a specific "program of weight loss". Which I have none.  Here's my program, calories in, calories out.  Eat healthy, in moderation and MOVE!!

A Note to Myself...3-3-13

Um, holy crud Fatwoman!!  It's becoming a reality.  You. are. losing. weight.

You don't know how.  Especially on week's when you don't work out, your eating has been crappy, and you feel like you put on all the weight you lost...  But it's happening.

So much, that you still step on the scale another 3 4 5 times just to verify that the number you saw was correct.  And you've been doing this for the past almost month.  So much so that you keep dancing for joy in the restroom every time you see your scale, rather than run and hide from it.

You're changing, Fatwoman!!  You no longer see the number on the scale as a disappointment, even when it may go up. You see it as a personal challenge to kick the scale in the ass, and shove it up lost fat's sun-no-shine area.

Matter of fact, Fatwoman, you're kicking ass.  You're own.  And I for one cannot be more proud of the changes that I've seen in you.  From letting more people in to your life, to being more open and honest on this journey.

You're no longer ashamed of who you are, but you are becoming proud of who He's creating you to be.  You can look in your kiddos eyes and see just how much they are proud of you, as you continue on this journey.  And this is where some of your strength comes in...showing them how to pursue a healthy life, so they in turn can live it to its fullest.

Fatwoman, you are slowly having to change your name to something else...like KickAssWoman, or SkinnyMini or....I don't know yet, but I promise I'll come up with something good.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm proud of how much you've accomplished, how far you've gone, and the willingness to continue this journey AND NOT GIVE UP.

You're doing it, woman!  And you're going strong, after 4 months, and continue on the lifestyle changes, EVEN WHEN YOU MESS UP.  What a difference this season is seeing.

And all I can say is,

Welcome back, fighter.
Welcome back, victor.
It's lovely to see you again.
You're slowly being healed from the inside out.
You're looking your abusers in the face in your mind's eye and telling them they no longer have power over you.
You're no longer walking in fear, but are slowly turning that fear into the faith to walk into the unseen realms He has for you, in EVERY area of your life.
You're no longer allowing your body to dictate who you are.  You're allowing Him, and your heart, to dictate who you will be.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm so, so, so proud of you.

And finally, I can say, what an honor it is to have you as part of my life.

Love,

Yourself :)

3 Month Progress: 1-17-13 to 2-17-13

3 MONTHS BABY!!!!  Dude & dudettes, I still can't quite believe I've made it to 3 months (okay, technically I'm shy of it by 2 days, but I'm gonna be busy this weekend, so needed to get this outta the way!).  Not only that, but this past month has seen some of my biggest & greatest victories so far.

Oh, lemme list 'em for ya!  I LOVE lists.  They make me happy.  And organized.  And happy!

1. Ran 1/2 a mile in 7 min and some-odd seconds.

2. Ran laps around the school gym...for fun...during recess.  Yes, for fun.  Who the hell am I?!? lol  This fat girl is learning to like to...jog.  I'm not ready for the "r" word yet. :)

3. Hit my TEN POUNDS LOST goal @ 268.8. :)

4. Started Interval training on all cardio machines (except treadmill), and am FINALLY on Level 2 on Arc Trainer (AT) and Cross Trainer (CT).

5.  My weight routine is getting so much better!!

8. Ab Coaster: went from no weights added, to 20 lbs added, to now 25 lbs added.

9. Back Extension (NOT the machine): went from using body weight, to now adding a 10 lb weight. :)

10. Ab X: went from doing 45 crunches/sit-ups/whatever you call 'em to 70...and adding extra just for fun. :)

11.  On the Assisted Dip, went from 20 Assisted Pounds, to 18 Assisted Pounds. :)

12. Went from an XL/XXL to a L/XL, depending on the shirt.  And, on some occasions, a M. :)

13.  Started pants size 24 to now a size 20, comfortably. :)

14. My belt used to be notched at the 11th hole, sometimes the 12th....now at 15-16. :)

15.  Down 5.4375 inches since 11-17-12.  (It would've been more, but I only measured waist, hips, thigh and arms then.  My bad...)

16.  From the previous month, down a total of 3.1875 inches (measuring neck, arm, chest, forearm, wrist, waist, hips, thigh, knee, calf, ankle).

17.  The biggest one of all: I THREW AWAY CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, you read me right, my friends.  Me, the chocoholic....I threw away almost all of the chocolate that was given to me.  :)  Or I gave it away to skinny people. :)

As of today, I am now weighing in at 266.6, which is a 12.2 pound weight loss so far.  I WILL TAKE IT!! :)

Now, for the battles:

1. Struggling w/ emotional eating, and losing.

2.  Fighting the desire to quit...daily...but this is also a MAJOR victory.  Because I'm fighting it, rather than giving in!!

3.  Fighting the voices in my mind that bring on fear.

And since I haven't taken recent pictures of me, you all will have to suffer with these:

January 17, 2013.  My size 22 wk pants on me

February 15, 2013.  My size 22 wk pants on me

And my waist is slowly turning into an hour-glass figure. :)

Jan 2013

Feb 2013

And lastly, the ULTIMATE in knowing you are on the right track to lookin' hot on the southside: when all the cholos go, "DAMN!!  You can lift that much?!"

Yeah, this fat girl can lift that much.  Get over it.  I'm eventually gonna lift more than you one day.  Now pick up your baggy a** pants! :)

See you all in one month! :)

P.S.  If anyone wants to do a 5K race w/ me in April, lemme know, and I'll send you over the info!!  $15/person until March 28th!!! :)

1 month progress...11-17 to 12-17

Well, one month is down on this journey.  With many more months to go.  Down 6 lbs, 3.25 inches overall.  As a matter of fact, it may soon be time to go jeans shopping:

Needless to say, I'm quite ecstatic.  And very blessed.  It's the small moments like these that help motivate me.  That, and comments like, "You look smaller!" versus, "oh wow!  you look like you're losing weight." (which I hate hearing the latter one...messes w/ my brain right now)

<--at my largest @ 278.8


--> now @ 272.2










Not only that, but I notice it when I look at myself in the mirror, when I look down and see my wrists are slightly smaller.  When I take 2 week measurements and see that I've lost inches in areas.  When I look at my biceps and watch my arms growing in muscles, see my legs looking leaner as I do those damn toe touch crunches or Ab X machine.

It's progress.  And I'm quietly ecstatic about it...unless I know you well...then I just blurt and laugh and dance about it...'cause dancing burns calories.

I'm also ecstatic that I've stuck with the food journal, exercise logging, and with myfitnesspal in general (MFP).

This season, I've been hearing the words: 1. Adventure 2. Risk 3. Faith 4. Change (not necessarily in that order).

Adventure...I've been going on more of those the past month than I have the past 7 years.  They don't have to be major adventures, but I'm walking in more freedom now, more joy, more...more of being me and who He's made me to be, and being okay with that. :)  All in preparation for a bigger adventure coming soon!

Risk...how that word makes me shudder sometimes.  Risk walking in what He's called me to do, and risk that I may hear Him wrong sometimes.  But He's been asking me lately if I'm willing to take that risk, dive in, and live a life of...

FAITH...major changes are happening in my life right now, and another big one coming up in 2013.  As I'm walking on this journey, I'm having to rely so much more on my faith in Him, and NOT on my understanding of how things are going to come to pass.  I'm having to solely rely on Him for every detail, every need and every provision.  And I'm seeing the fruit of that walk bloom before my eyes.  I'm seeing Him rip away the things of the enemy to replace those things with His goodness and grace.  And I'm thankful for the corrections being made, even when I wince or argue because I don't like them.

And lastly...

Change...ahhhh, that dreaded word that I hate so much.  But these past 12 years have been preparing me for this season to come.  Which makes sense.  Because this week's workout card has this phrase on it:

You can choose to give up, or you can choose to fight.  Are you a victim or a fighter?  I heard you were a fighter.  So where's your fight?

That's what I heard when I prayed about what to put on my workout card for the week.  Which one am I?  Will I choose to fight for the desires of my heart, to fight for health, for healing, for victory, for freedom?  Or will I choose to remain a victim, a wallflower, a dirty carpet constantly being walked on?  What am I going to choose?

I can tell you now...

I choose to fight.  To pick up my weapons of warfare and praise, to put on my armor, and get up and fight.  I choose to not allow myself to give in, give up and walk away from the battle.  I've done that before, and I don't want to do it again.

So even when I feel unmotivated, I'll take a day/a break/a pity party, but then I'll get right back up, knowing that it's my life, my freedom and my dreams that I'm fighting for, and I say,
DEVIL YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!

And that's my one month progress. :)

Try, try, try...12-2-12

"You gotta get up and try try try"

This one phrase in the song has been resonating in me since I first heard it.  It seems that every time I want to give up and quit, this song pops on! haha  If nothing else, I love the encouragement of that phrase.

It's been 2 weeks now...(from 11-17-12, Day 1 on MFP)
4 lbs down
-3.12 inches off overall

And I've been fighting this bitter battle.  Constantly going, "okay, just get up, move, keep going, don't quit, don't stop."  I even had to text the bestie to force myself to get out of the car at the parking lot of the gym, to get up and actually go into the gym.  It's a bitter battle, but I'm determined to be the victor in this one.

I'm tired of feeling icky, feeling like "the dreaded fat girl", and having to battle so much of my image issues because of things I've allowed.

Well, here's to the good fight of faith!

Keep moving.
Keep working.
Hard work.
Determination.
Refusal to quit.
Even when I'm tired.
When I'm down.
When I can't see the goal in sight.

I gotta get up and try, try, try.

To the victor go the spoils...the spoils being no more fat, a healthy me, and a me I can't wait to sure the world. :)

The Story of Grace

For those of you who have known me for more than a year, you know how much I've been praying for a car.  For a replacement Burt.  For something that actually has windows and that locks.  And that I can wash in a car wash, NOT in the rain...

Well, my Abba answered my prayers.  TALK ABOUT A TESTIMONY! :)

This is how it went down:

All this past week, I kept hearing (in my quiet times), to start looking for a car again.  (& again for those who know me, you know the deep history of why it's been near impossible for me to do so.)  So, after much prayer and debate, I went up to my roommates on Thursday night and asked for them to be in agreement in prayer w/ me on this issue.  I knew exactly what I wanted, down to the details of the car, the look, make/model, etc.  This time I went in with my eyes WIDE OPEN rather than in a blind, rushing panic (which was my fault anyway the last time...but His grace came in anyway! :) ).

So, late Thursday night rolls around, and I'm working on my budget & finances now that everything for the next 2 weeks have come in.  And lo and behold, I have $500 EXTRA above and beyond what I needed...just waiting for me to use it! :)  So, I hear Mama Lynn's voice in my head to pray over how HE wants me to use that money...

And immediately I think...this would make a GREAT start to a down payment...and then I start looking up cars that I had wanted around local area dealerships.  When I had talked w/ my roommates, I had originally said I'd be okay w/ a 2001/2002 car...until during my search...when I head Him say to raise my bar higher...to a 2009 or greater.

And that's when that unbelief started to come in.  "Wait...what?!  I know that's not gonna happen...it's too expensive!  How can I ever even afford that?!"  To which, after last week's sermon talking about the spirit of unbelief, I IMMEDIATELY began to battle and cast down those thoughts.

So, on to my search.  I have about 5-7 cars in mind, at 3 different dealerships.  After the search, I head to bed, wake up Friday morning, and head to the morning job.  Come home, to which I had this GREAT idea...you know what...lemme just do a bit of the leg work today (since DM was willing to meet w/ me in the a.m. to look at cars w/ me), see where I stand at the possibility of financing/trade-in, and go from there.  That way, on Saturday morning, it's no biggie and it'll make it easier on both of us so we're not wasting time if it doesn't happen.

So I get dressed, ready for the afternoon job, and head over to the dealership that has 3 of the cars I wanted.  Oh, and did I mention they were all 2009 or higher?!  Walk into the dealership, where I was greeted by a man named Al who I instantly liked on the spot (surprising for me, I know).  Laid EVERYTHING down on the table, was brutally honest, to which he says, "Well, let's at least look and test drive them.  That way you can narrow down your search for when your brother comes, and you'll know what you like and don't like as you search for what you want.  And don't be afraid to shop around out there." (yes, this salesman did say that!)

On we go to look at the cars....2 2009 ones and 1 2010 Civic.  Test drove them, and immediately was drawn to one.  We then went back inside, he took my car keys, and tells me, "I'm going to have the mechanic appraise it and we'll go from there."

So during this whole time I'm praying in the Spirit, believing and asking for favor, and praying and praising some more.  The mantra that morning was: "He makes ALL things in my life for good, and ALL things in my life WILL point to His glory in my life."

An hour later, he comes back and asks me: "You want the good news or the bad news first?"

Of course I want the bad news first.  "No bank is willing to take you...except one."

Good news: He then goes over what the bank is willing to do for me.  1 of them being the dealership would willingly give me $1500 (blue book value) for Burt...and we ALL know that Burt's not worth that much!!!!  But one of the catch's was I needed $1000 down payment.  And the monthly payments were WAY too high for me!  So I pointed to those 2 items and I told him, there's no way I'd be able to do those 2 things.  I'm just not comfortable with that.  But thank you anyways.  This helps me know where I stand.  So he gets up and says, "Let me talk to our finance manager, and let's see what we can do to help you."

About 5 minutes later, the finance manager sits in Al's place, and says, "Okay, we'd be willing to take your down payment and put the extra $500 down into what we'll give you for Burt. (So now they're willing to give me $2000 for Burt) and we'll pay off the rest of what you owe on Burt (which was roughly $900).  As for the monthly payments, what number would make you feel comfortable with getting this vehicle?"  I did the number crunching, trying to figure out what exactly would work budget wise, we talked about gas, insurance, etc.  So I threw out a number, he threw out a number, I did more number crunching (to which I then told him, Give me a moment; I need to pray about this).

And lo and behold...

I walked away with a new to me car.

That was EVERYTHING that I wanted, down to the little itty bitty details I hadn't even told my roommates about regarding what I wanted in Grace.  From the tinted windows to the CD player with NO tape deck!!!! lol

So, that's the story of God's grace, goodness and glory in my life when it comes to my car.  And I'm praising and dancing my way through this.  At His goodness.  His grace.  His amazing mercy and His hearing the cries and desires of my heart.

After 3+ years or so of this battle cry and mantra...I have an AMAZING and beautiful car that runs like a dream, works COMPLETELY, has windows and a/c...and that is such a blessing.

So, for all of you who have been on this prayer journey with me for years, I thank you so very very much for being persistent right alongside me.  For running that race with me.  I know this wouldn't have been possible without Him!

So, thanks. :)

And that's my story on Grace. :)

What I learned from making pancakes

It cracks me up that I always tended to learn the best lessons while salivating concocting chewing cooking up yummy delicious food. :)  This morning was no exception.

I woke up refreshed, with plenty of sleep under my belt (almost a total of 20 hours from Friday night and last night).  Woke up with a song in my head: "Isn't She Lovely", by Stevie Wonder.  And this is the part that was playing nonstopirritatinglyrepeatedly over and over :

Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
But isn't she lovely made from love


Anywho...I've been singing that all morning.  So now I have the Stevie Wonder playlist playing on my Spotify account...and I digress from the story.


Okay...back at it now...


Not only did I wake up w/ that song in my head, but I woke up happy and content, and in a mood to bake.  Now, when I get in this mood, you might want to watch out.  The kitchen becomes a disaster area work zone, and the house smells like the witch's house in Hansel and Gretel really yummy.  So, went on pinterest and became anal about organization a much better organizer and organized my Favorite Recipes board.  Into various catergories...desserts, main dishes, crock pot, etc.  You get the gist.


Anywho, found this awesome recipe for Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookie pancakes...made w/ no sugar. :)  So, the bake cook was on! haha


Got my handy dandy apron, and began to cook.  And all of a sudden (happens like that a lot lately), I could hear Him begin to talk to me...about pancakes...and dough...


Making the pancakes, and looking at the batter and how, well, weird it looked.  All these clumps and lumps and just...well, ugly.  I mean, it tasted good.  But for a moment, I was wondering how in the world will that weird-clumpy-looking batter is supposed to turn out like the picture on Pinterest?!


Which He then reminded me about some things:


1. I'm made of lumps and clumps and things that aren't very "pretty".  We all are.  But it's those very things that make us unique.  Makes our story unique in and of itself.  Those things we have to deal with, that help us understand just what our calling is, how He's placed us in the body.  For example, one of those lumps was my addiction to pornography and romance novels.  Now, I know I am free and called to help others to that same freedom.


2.  The heat makes what looked ugly into something beautiful and delicious.  Without the heat, the pressure, the bubbles, the storm of sizzling butter in the pan, those lumps and clumps wouldn't be turned into something yummy, nutritious and really good to eat.  Without the heat and pressure, without that refining fire, we aren't able to turn into something that's infinitely more precious BECAUSE of the lumps, what was inside that batter.  The batter is what makes the food unique in and of itself.  You changed one ingredient in the batter, and you've created a whole 'nother recipe.  Same with us.  If you changed one part of your story, the outcome would/could/possibly be different.


3.  It's when I'm in the kitchen, baking and cooking for the fun of it, that I'm most happy, content and thriving.  It's when I'm in that place that everything in my head gets quiet, my hands are busy, and my heart is ready to listen.  I always thought it was during worship...and to some degree it is...but this season, I think because my hands have been busy doing things, that He's been taking time out of something I love, and "making" me listen.  I knew baking was a passion of mine, I just don't think I realized just exactly why it was.  :)


And then He put it all together...


How I'm like that batter...and how I see myself...and the way I NEED to see myself and this journey.  There's so much that makes me who I am, so much that I'm STILL trying to figure out, as I flounder at things, excel at others, and generally learn what most people have learned in their teen years...  And most often than not, I feel like that ugly batter, like nothing beautiful could ever come out of it.  And that there are so many lumps and bumps and clumps and hodge-podge messes that for the life of me I can't figure out how He'll make it into the picture He's showing/shown myself and others.  But then He reminds me that, despite what I think, I'll eventually get there.  It just may take a lot more fire than I realized.  A lot more baking/cooking/marinating.  And that I need to be patient.  To not demand so much in so quick a time.  (Seems like patience has been my downfall lately...or lack thereof.)  And that I'll EVENTUALLY get where I need to be, and that it's okay to take it slow.  That He knows exactly what He's doing, and that He's a gentleman while doing it.


And not only that, but it's okay when a few more GOOD bumps come along...like chocolate chips in the batter, the added sweetness of life's amazing moments (such as holding hands for the first time in my life with a man) adds character, moments and memories that are good. :)


Then He took me back to remembering some things regarding DN, that these past 2 1/2 months have been good, despite the heartbreak that went with ending a potential relationship (knowing that he was not the one for me, after much prayer and counsel and wisdom).  And He reminded me of the things learned, the confidence built and the fact that I faced my fear of men, and survived.


And as tears begin to form and leak, the realization that, despite my moments of wanting to bang my head against the wall, He's forming something beautiful and yummy, something fragrant and delicious...something that, in the end, will bloom and turn into that butterfly, that flower, those amazing chocolate chip oatmeal cookie pancakes, that is sweet, beautiful and lovely.  It just takes more time, more marinating and a bit more heat. :)


All in all, I think a lovely lesson to learn this morning as I sit and bask in His presence...and dance to "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes. :)

My ugly

Now, before you get upset at me about the title, to understand today's blog, you need to read the following blog that inspired it:

http://sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/ugly-people

After reading this, and sobbing my eyes out for over an hour before reading this...some things hit home.  All my little "uglies" that like to rear themselves up when I'm not looking, or thinking, or have my armor on.

Lemme give you a few examples:

1. The comparison game.  All my life I've always compared myself to, well, somebody.  If you were better at it, I compared and tried to figure out how to be better than you.  (which will lead to example 2 in a minute)  Or even more detrimental, I think, is comparing myself to other women.  What they have, what they look like, sound like, act like...all in the hopes of trying to be someone I'm not.  Insane, I know.  And you'd think by now I would have this "under control" *insert snort*, but quite frankly, this is one battle that gets gruesome as much as tiresome.

2. Pride.  Ahhh...that ugly word that most people deny they have.  Well, I'm not denying it.  As a matter of fact, even in my thought life this comes out...not always out loud, but it's there.  That damn sneaky little thing.

3. The "I'm-never-going-to (insert word/phrase here) because I'm not (good enough, pretty enough, special enough, lovely enough, beautiful enough, you get the gist).  Yeah, I said it.  What woman doesn't play this game in her head at some point in her life?  But how in the world does one get out of it, at times?

All of this to say, I'm struggling.  With seeing so many friends in relationships, starting families, having amazing lives...and feeling like I'm just...here...trying to keep my head above water without drowning.  Sometimes forgotten, a lot of times lonely, and a few bits miserable.  At times.

And today, sobbing everything out, all that could keep coming out of my mouth was, "I'm sorry Jesus.  I'm so so sorry."  Over and over and overandoverandoverandover again.  Even now, just thinking about it, still causes me to sniffle and cry.  I'm sorry that I've drifted away.  I'm sorry that I pushed You away at times, because I was angry...at You...at this...at my impatience.  I'm sorry that I allowed so much to happen that was kept in the dark, that, in some cases, is still in the darkness, because I've been so afraid to take it out.  But today, this morning, I took it out.  And saw it clearly.  And sobbed my heart out and snotted everywhere.  (disgusting, I know, but get over it)

I allowed things that I never should have.  And piece by piece I had been feeling this distancing from Him.  So, I have to do the hard thing and let some things go.  Because if I don't, I'll drown under them.  And allow them to overwhelm me and separate me.  So today was my cry out, my prayer, my last finger grip on the rope.  My repentance, my salvation, my hope restored.  That despite everything, all of the mistakes, the things I've allowed in, the things I've allowed done and in, He loves me despite it all, and it makes me cling to Him even more.

No, this journey isn't over yet.  And I know I'll still have tears rolling down today.  But I also know that His voice is becoming a bit more clearer as I open up my heart to Him, issues and sins and all.  And as I sit at the foot of the Cross, I know that by the end of today I'll be sitting in His throne room rejoicing and laughing.  Because He loves me.  And I know, that despite everything, I love Him.

Whew...

"Perfect love casts out all fear"  And I'm gonna go farther...all failure, all shame, all sins, all uglies...once you nail them to the cross, let go, open up your arms wide, and fall into the arms of an amazing Abba Father who's running towards you.

So today, today, I'm the prodigal daughter returning.  Prodigal: wastefully or recklessly extravagant
I've been wastefully extravagant of the grace given, of the love shown, and with tears streaming down, I tell my Lord I'm sorry, and I run to Him because I don't know what else to do but run into the arms of the One who loves me beyond measure, beyond seas, beyond all imagination.  And once again, I hide myself under the shadow of His wings as He calls to me, "Come, Beloved, let us sit awhile."


And I once again am reminded of just what it feels like to be pursued.

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex