I choose freedom

I didn't give in.  I didn't do what my first instinct was...which was to pick something up and allow it to wash the pain away into nothingness.  I didn't give in.

I needed to start with that first.

Tonight, I felt like, for the 1st time, someone was trying to push the boundaries, & wouldn't accept no for an answer.  Even though I kept saying no, I feel uncomfortable with sharing that.

And it felt like I was a victim all over again.

A slap to my face.  As if this was some tabletop conversation that happens everyday.

And not my life.  What was done.

And I got angry.  So so angry.  And I did what I do...I fought back.  With words.  And then I completely shutdown.

And then I curled into a ball and just sobbed my heart out on my bed.

And it showed me how this area of my heart still needs healing.

And for the first time in a really long time, I tried really hard not to vomit up dinner as the memories and flashbacks came.  As pictures and images of what was done kept running through my brain, all I could do was cry out, "JESUS!" as I wrapped my arms around Roger the bear and weeped my heart out.

Which tells me that this journey of sharing my testimony...is an on-going process.  He's showing me these wounds for a reason.  But He's also allowing me to be real and honest not just with Him, but with myself.  And with others.

Even as tears roll down my face, I know that it's time to face this part of my journey.  To not allow the fear to creep in.  And to remember that I'm no longer the victim, that little girl.  And that what was done no longer has the power to control me anymore.  I laid it at the foot of the cross.

And even as I type, all my thoughts in a jumble, I feel my spirit begin to calm down.  Knowing that He is my strength and my refuge.  My very present help in time of need.  That HE is my Beloved One, who will not harm me or hurt me.

And I have to remember to trust Him in where He's leading me, even if I don't know where it ends up or where exactly I am going.

So, thanks, Jesus.  For showing me this part of a bruised heart that I didn't realize was still there.  And for showing me that I don't have to fear...and I don't have to accept being a victim any longer.

I choose freedom.