A Note to Myself...3-3-13

Um, holy crud Fatwoman!!  It's becoming a reality.  You. are. losing. weight.

You don't know how.  Especially on week's when you don't work out, your eating has been crappy, and you feel like you put on all the weight you lost...  But it's happening.

So much, that you still step on the scale another 3 4 5 times just to verify that the number you saw was correct.  And you've been doing this for the past almost month.  So much so that you keep dancing for joy in the restroom every time you see your scale, rather than run and hide from it.

You're changing, Fatwoman!!  You no longer see the number on the scale as a disappointment, even when it may go up. You see it as a personal challenge to kick the scale in the ass, and shove it up lost fat's sun-no-shine area.

Matter of fact, Fatwoman, you're kicking ass.  You're own.  And I for one cannot be more proud of the changes that I've seen in you.  From letting more people in to your life, to being more open and honest on this journey.

You're no longer ashamed of who you are, but you are becoming proud of who He's creating you to be.  You can look in your kiddos eyes and see just how much they are proud of you, as you continue on this journey.  And this is where some of your strength comes in...showing them how to pursue a healthy life, so they in turn can live it to its fullest.

Fatwoman, you are slowly having to change your name to something else...like KickAssWoman, or SkinnyMini or....I don't know yet, but I promise I'll come up with something good.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm proud of how much you've accomplished, how far you've gone, and the willingness to continue this journey AND NOT GIVE UP.

You're doing it, woman!  And you're going strong, after 4 months, and continue on the lifestyle changes, EVEN WHEN YOU MESS UP.  What a difference this season is seeing.

And all I can say is,

Welcome back, fighter.
Welcome back, victor.
It's lovely to see you again.
You're slowly being healed from the inside out.
You're looking your abusers in the face in your mind's eye and telling them they no longer have power over you.
You're no longer walking in fear, but are slowly turning that fear into the faith to walk into the unseen realms He has for you, in EVERY area of your life.
You're no longer allowing your body to dictate who you are.  You're allowing Him, and your heart, to dictate who you will be.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm so, so, so proud of you.

And finally, I can say, what an honor it is to have you as part of my life.

Love,

Yourself :)

1 month progress...11-17 to 12-17

Well, one month is down on this journey.  With many more months to go.  Down 6 lbs, 3.25 inches overall.  As a matter of fact, it may soon be time to go jeans shopping:

Needless to say, I'm quite ecstatic.  And very blessed.  It's the small moments like these that help motivate me.  That, and comments like, "You look smaller!" versus, "oh wow!  you look like you're losing weight." (which I hate hearing the latter one...messes w/ my brain right now)

<--at my largest @ 278.8


--> now @ 272.2










Not only that, but I notice it when I look at myself in the mirror, when I look down and see my wrists are slightly smaller.  When I take 2 week measurements and see that I've lost inches in areas.  When I look at my biceps and watch my arms growing in muscles, see my legs looking leaner as I do those damn toe touch crunches or Ab X machine.

It's progress.  And I'm quietly ecstatic about it...unless I know you well...then I just blurt and laugh and dance about it...'cause dancing burns calories.

I'm also ecstatic that I've stuck with the food journal, exercise logging, and with myfitnesspal in general (MFP).

This season, I've been hearing the words: 1. Adventure 2. Risk 3. Faith 4. Change (not necessarily in that order).

Adventure...I've been going on more of those the past month than I have the past 7 years.  They don't have to be major adventures, but I'm walking in more freedom now, more joy, more...more of being me and who He's made me to be, and being okay with that. :)  All in preparation for a bigger adventure coming soon!

Risk...how that word makes me shudder sometimes.  Risk walking in what He's called me to do, and risk that I may hear Him wrong sometimes.  But He's been asking me lately if I'm willing to take that risk, dive in, and live a life of...

FAITH...major changes are happening in my life right now, and another big one coming up in 2013.  As I'm walking on this journey, I'm having to rely so much more on my faith in Him, and NOT on my understanding of how things are going to come to pass.  I'm having to solely rely on Him for every detail, every need and every provision.  And I'm seeing the fruit of that walk bloom before my eyes.  I'm seeing Him rip away the things of the enemy to replace those things with His goodness and grace.  And I'm thankful for the corrections being made, even when I wince or argue because I don't like them.

And lastly...

Change...ahhhh, that dreaded word that I hate so much.  But these past 12 years have been preparing me for this season to come.  Which makes sense.  Because this week's workout card has this phrase on it:

You can choose to give up, or you can choose to fight.  Are you a victim or a fighter?  I heard you were a fighter.  So where's your fight?

That's what I heard when I prayed about what to put on my workout card for the week.  Which one am I?  Will I choose to fight for the desires of my heart, to fight for health, for healing, for victory, for freedom?  Or will I choose to remain a victim, a wallflower, a dirty carpet constantly being walked on?  What am I going to choose?

I can tell you now...

I choose to fight.  To pick up my weapons of warfare and praise, to put on my armor, and get up and fight.  I choose to not allow myself to give in, give up and walk away from the battle.  I've done that before, and I don't want to do it again.

So even when I feel unmotivated, I'll take a day/a break/a pity party, but then I'll get right back up, knowing that it's my life, my freedom and my dreams that I'm fighting for, and I say,
DEVIL YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!

And that's my one month progress. :)

A Testimony of His Goodness...12-7-12

So, as I was doing my budget, I came REALLY close to not paying my tithe as I just wasn't sure how it was all going to work.

I only had a 1 week paycheck, had my 2 largest bills to pay, plus gas money, plus making sure I try to save a little bit on the side for January.

I started doing my budget, inputting everything in there, even paid the 1st large bill (a whole 'nother testimony...as I've been making ALL my car payments not only on time, but EARLY!!!).

Next step, sat and calculated everything...both paychecks...and looked at my budget numbers...to discover, after taking into account ALL the bills that I owed this month...which, another testimony, was just the 2 plus my gas and food bills...

I have a little bit of money left over...

And that's AFTER paying my tithes. :)

I have no idea how, but God made the way. :)

Just needed to journal this as a reminder in the tough seasons...He'll make a way when there is no way! :)

Try, try, try...12-2-12

"You gotta get up and try try try"

This one phrase in the song has been resonating in me since I first heard it.  It seems that every time I want to give up and quit, this song pops on! haha  If nothing else, I love the encouragement of that phrase.

It's been 2 weeks now...(from 11-17-12, Day 1 on MFP)
4 lbs down
-3.12 inches off overall

And I've been fighting this bitter battle.  Constantly going, "okay, just get up, move, keep going, don't quit, don't stop."  I even had to text the bestie to force myself to get out of the car at the parking lot of the gym, to get up and actually go into the gym.  It's a bitter battle, but I'm determined to be the victor in this one.

I'm tired of feeling icky, feeling like "the dreaded fat girl", and having to battle so much of my image issues because of things I've allowed.

Well, here's to the good fight of faith!

Keep moving.
Keep working.
Hard work.
Determination.
Refusal to quit.
Even when I'm tired.
When I'm down.
When I can't see the goal in sight.

I gotta get up and try, try, try.

To the victor go the spoils...the spoils being no more fat, a healthy me, and a me I can't wait to sure the world. :)

The Story of Grace

For those of you who have known me for more than a year, you know how much I've been praying for a car.  For a replacement Burt.  For something that actually has windows and that locks.  And that I can wash in a car wash, NOT in the rain...

Well, my Abba answered my prayers.  TALK ABOUT A TESTIMONY! :)

This is how it went down:

All this past week, I kept hearing (in my quiet times), to start looking for a car again.  (& again for those who know me, you know the deep history of why it's been near impossible for me to do so.)  So, after much prayer and debate, I went up to my roommates on Thursday night and asked for them to be in agreement in prayer w/ me on this issue.  I knew exactly what I wanted, down to the details of the car, the look, make/model, etc.  This time I went in with my eyes WIDE OPEN rather than in a blind, rushing panic (which was my fault anyway the last time...but His grace came in anyway! :) ).

So, late Thursday night rolls around, and I'm working on my budget & finances now that everything for the next 2 weeks have come in.  And lo and behold, I have $500 EXTRA above and beyond what I needed...just waiting for me to use it! :)  So, I hear Mama Lynn's voice in my head to pray over how HE wants me to use that money...

And immediately I think...this would make a GREAT start to a down payment...and then I start looking up cars that I had wanted around local area dealerships.  When I had talked w/ my roommates, I had originally said I'd be okay w/ a 2001/2002 car...until during my search...when I head Him say to raise my bar higher...to a 2009 or greater.

And that's when that unbelief started to come in.  "Wait...what?!  I know that's not gonna happen...it's too expensive!  How can I ever even afford that?!"  To which, after last week's sermon talking about the spirit of unbelief, I IMMEDIATELY began to battle and cast down those thoughts.

So, on to my search.  I have about 5-7 cars in mind, at 3 different dealerships.  After the search, I head to bed, wake up Friday morning, and head to the morning job.  Come home, to which I had this GREAT idea...you know what...lemme just do a bit of the leg work today (since DM was willing to meet w/ me in the a.m. to look at cars w/ me), see where I stand at the possibility of financing/trade-in, and go from there.  That way, on Saturday morning, it's no biggie and it'll make it easier on both of us so we're not wasting time if it doesn't happen.

So I get dressed, ready for the afternoon job, and head over to the dealership that has 3 of the cars I wanted.  Oh, and did I mention they were all 2009 or higher?!  Walk into the dealership, where I was greeted by a man named Al who I instantly liked on the spot (surprising for me, I know).  Laid EVERYTHING down on the table, was brutally honest, to which he says, "Well, let's at least look and test drive them.  That way you can narrow down your search for when your brother comes, and you'll know what you like and don't like as you search for what you want.  And don't be afraid to shop around out there." (yes, this salesman did say that!)

On we go to look at the cars....2 2009 ones and 1 2010 Civic.  Test drove them, and immediately was drawn to one.  We then went back inside, he took my car keys, and tells me, "I'm going to have the mechanic appraise it and we'll go from there."

So during this whole time I'm praying in the Spirit, believing and asking for favor, and praying and praising some more.  The mantra that morning was: "He makes ALL things in my life for good, and ALL things in my life WILL point to His glory in my life."

An hour later, he comes back and asks me: "You want the good news or the bad news first?"

Of course I want the bad news first.  "No bank is willing to take you...except one."

Good news: He then goes over what the bank is willing to do for me.  1 of them being the dealership would willingly give me $1500 (blue book value) for Burt...and we ALL know that Burt's not worth that much!!!!  But one of the catch's was I needed $1000 down payment.  And the monthly payments were WAY too high for me!  So I pointed to those 2 items and I told him, there's no way I'd be able to do those 2 things.  I'm just not comfortable with that.  But thank you anyways.  This helps me know where I stand.  So he gets up and says, "Let me talk to our finance manager, and let's see what we can do to help you."

About 5 minutes later, the finance manager sits in Al's place, and says, "Okay, we'd be willing to take your down payment and put the extra $500 down into what we'll give you for Burt. (So now they're willing to give me $2000 for Burt) and we'll pay off the rest of what you owe on Burt (which was roughly $900).  As for the monthly payments, what number would make you feel comfortable with getting this vehicle?"  I did the number crunching, trying to figure out what exactly would work budget wise, we talked about gas, insurance, etc.  So I threw out a number, he threw out a number, I did more number crunching (to which I then told him, Give me a moment; I need to pray about this).

And lo and behold...

I walked away with a new to me car.

That was EVERYTHING that I wanted, down to the little itty bitty details I hadn't even told my roommates about regarding what I wanted in Grace.  From the tinted windows to the CD player with NO tape deck!!!! lol

So, that's the story of God's grace, goodness and glory in my life when it comes to my car.  And I'm praising and dancing my way through this.  At His goodness.  His grace.  His amazing mercy and His hearing the cries and desires of my heart.

After 3+ years or so of this battle cry and mantra...I have an AMAZING and beautiful car that runs like a dream, works COMPLETELY, has windows and a/c...and that is such a blessing.

So, for all of you who have been on this prayer journey with me for years, I thank you so very very much for being persistent right alongside me.  For running that race with me.  I know this wouldn't have been possible without Him!

So, thanks. :)

And that's my story on Grace. :)

Update on the past month or so....

Okay, right off the bat I've gotta say...IT'S BEEN INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOOO much has happened...such craziness has been going on.  From stress to dancing to supernatural stuff to, well, God moments.  Some things I can expound and share on, others I'm not able to due to circumstances and situations currently.  So I'll see how much I can get done here. :)

Well, when I moved, I don't think I completely understand the reason for the move.  Meaning I had no idea just the kind of things God was about to take me through, all of them good and exciting and amazing.  I had NO CLUE the doors of opportunity or blessings that were getting ready to begin to pour out.  And for those of you who haven't seen me or heard from me, in, like, forever and a day...don't feel bad.  I haven't really been talking much to anyone really.  That's been intentional.  No, I haven't isolated myself.  It's been more of a, "oh dear Jesus there's so much going on that all I can do is remain focused on You so I don't waiver to the left or the right FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS".  Moving in to a new home that is centered, its very heartbeat, is hospitality and the movement and ministry of the presence of God...well, that's been rockin' my boat in good ways! lol  I've been learning SO MUCH, and yet there's so much that I haven't been able to put into words yet.  Just...an overwhelming flood of emotions just begin to pour out most of the time.

Anywho...moving in here has been amazing.  God-encountering.

Making Spirit and Life my home has been...LIFE CHANGING.  Every time I go...well, more words have been poured over me in the past month than the total received in the PAST YEAR.  Yeah, that's right.  You read that right.  You really did.  I have NOTEBOOKS on the words given to me.  Some that I've kept SUPER close to my heart and inside the prayer closet.  And others that I have been able to share glimpses of.

Now fast-forward to about a month-3 weeks ago.  A dear friend of mine asked if I would consider ministering at a youth conference w/ my testimony and allowing the presence and power of God to just flow during the time given.  Well, I can tell you honestly...I was in awe.  And shocked.  But mostly in awe.  Ask my roommate.  I went to her at 3am or so, and was like, "oh. my. golly.  oh my golly.  oh my golly."  I think it was over and over again! lol  You see...several words have been given to me throughout the years regarding something like this.  But in my heart, I kinda told God, "Me?!  Really?!?  Me???  The girl who liked being the wallpaper and NOT the center of attention?  The one who doesn't like to publicly speak in front of people?  And You're telling me that I have this calling on my life, to, well, SPEAK?  ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!"  Pretty much sums up my conversation the first few minutes after I read the invitation sent to me.  And I can tell you that now, I no longer think that way.  It's more like, "JESUS YOU'RE GONNA BE SO AWESOME THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  And doing my giant happy dance that I haven't really been able to stop doing since last night. :)

Now fast forward again to about the beginning of April...and HUGE attack began to happen in my life.  I literally came home one night just...in tears...crying, "Lord, I don't understand.  What's going on?  Why is this happening?"  And it's not something I'll be able to expound on, so if you're reading this, you more than likely won't understand what I'm talking about.  Just be okay w/ that ahead of time.  Basically, it's been a month of walking out the door and immediately battling the whole way to work, at work, during work, and driving back home from work.  And even now, the battle isn't over.  Right now I'm praying for wisdom and discernment, as well as a hedge of protection over my staff and I.  The battle has been intense, and the fight isn't over...but I KNOW that truth will prevail in this season. :)

Now fast forward again to 2 weeks ago...where I had a date w/ a man.  We talked for 4 1/2 hours.  Yes, that's right.  I TALKED W/ A STRANGER FOR 4 1/2 HOURS STRAIGHT.  If you know me, you know what a HUGE breakthrough that was.  And the cool thing was...no fear there.  Just a whole heckuva lot of nerves.  You can ask MC.  I was texting her the whole time I was waiting for him to show up! lol  From there began a friendship....from talking about God things, to character issues, to home life, to testimonies, to, well....more things than I even think I knew I had words for inside me...we delved through some seriously big things.  And during that time I ate humble pie several times! lol  But it was all good.  But anywho...meeting a man who liked me for me.  And who saw the presence of God in me...and told me flat out that there was something different in me.  I about balled when I came and told me roommate the details of all of this.  All that to say...it's been a good friendship overall.  I'm learning some things about myself.  I'm also learning how to be myself, and that it's okay to be who He has made me to be.  And that that won't scare away people if I really am who I am, no games and no facade.  The really cool thing is...I got my answer to the prayer I've been seeking/praying for the past 2 weeks.  And it was a very clear answer.  (No worries MC.  I know I still owe you a text and an explanation from this morning! lol)  And I am THRILLED with the answer AND the season He has me in! :)  So that part of my life has just been plain FUN! :)

Lastly...the past 2 days.  If you've been keeping up w/ my facebook statuses, you know some seriously awesome and intense God moments have been happening.  Let me backtrack to last night at dinner after church.  (Can I just say how much I LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEE my church home?!?!?!)  Well, last night at church God was moving and flowing and working.  I know I had some serious boldness on my mouth! lol  Anywho, went to dinner w/ a family, and some new friends. (YAY NEW FRIENDS!)  After we ate, one of the guys has this waitress come over, and he (TJ, the guy) begins to tell us how he had given her a word that he saw light being reflected off of her.  Which the waitress had confirmed that word and the meaning of it to him right before he asked us to gather 'round and pray over her.  So, we gathered round and did what Jesus freaks (my term in this situation, NOT a dig or a bad thing...I think it's freaking AWESOME! lol...or to steal someone else's phraseology...a Holy Spirit lush :) ) do best...we prayed.  And God began to move.  Prophetic words began to flow over this woman named Carmen.  And as the tears came down, God moved even more.  Come to find out, everything was right on.  Not only was it right on, after checking to see if she had received Christ as her Lord and Savior, we then began to ask her if she wanted to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  Well, she said yes.  Then had the opportunity to pray for her to receive her prayer language.  Which happened quite suddenly. :)  Of course! lol  (that suddenly seems to be happening a lot lately in my life)  Not to mention, even before that occurrence, one of the ladies at our table at a prophetic word for our waiter, Angel.  Which HE then confirmed that that word was right on.  So, basically, ALMOST ALL OF LAST NIGHT was one Holy Spirit bomb after another.  Lots of cool awesomeness happening! hehe

Now fast forward to today...where NC and I were invited to come hang out at said family's home for an impromptu gathering and fellowship.  We'd been there since 10:30 this morning.  And dear Lord I LOVE THAT FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!  Their littlest one has captured my heart. :)  Me and Jacob are like 2 peas in a pod baby! lol  Actually, I just LOVE their family period! :)  Anywho...we had a worship jam session in the living room.  Oh wait!  Lemme backtrack a bit!  We had a barbeque today at their place.  TJ (remember the guy from the restaurant that was w/ us) was there...and came back in w/ a new person who he had met "randomly" on the street and invited him in to eat and fellowship w/ us.  (Did I mention how much I LOVE hanging around these presence-driven Jesus people?! lol)  He came in, we all chatted and talked and fellowshipped and laughed.  Then came the worship session.  Where I was called out and asked, "I know you have something!" lol  Always makes me nervous being called out like that!  No matter how many times it happens, ALWAYS makes me nervous! :/  Good thing this is training ground! haha  Anywhoo....began to give the Word that He had given me an hour before that...drawing/visuals included, when I was kinda stopped, and someone was brought in who needed to hear that word.  And then He began to move.  And deliverance began to take place in that person.  And had the amazing privilege to see Him move and shake and work.  And then miracles began to happen.  And then the Spirit began to just flow and shake and...well, WOWZERS it was COOL! :)

The great thing is...I know this is JUST THE BEGINNING!  OMG I can't believe I forgot ONE OF THE COOLEST PARTS!!!!!!!!!!

As TJ and several others were praying...gold dust began to appear on a face.  Yes, you read that right.  GOLD DUST!  You could literally see gold dust reflected off of the face.  You could feel His presence begin to just MOVE.  And then we noticed the aroma of the garden of heaven just outside the door of the home we were at.  BEAUTIFUL!  And then more deliverance and healings began to take place.  Words being spoken.  Spirit of adoption beginning to take hold and root in people's lives.  Several of us being called out to, well, pray healing and other things. :) hehe  The cool thing is...gold dust began to appear on my little buddy.  Started w/ a single fleck on his hand (mind you...the one he was praying w/).  Then another appeared.  Then I noticed another on his cheek as we were laughing in the kitchen afterwards.  Gold dust on one of the women there.

The even greater thing....is that this is the norm for a believer. :)  This realm of the supernatural is becoming my normal now.  The things I have been praying for, waiting for...are coming in in those "AND SUDDENLY" moments.

And all I can say is...I'm SOOOOO looking forward to Friday!  I don't know what He'll be doing, but it is gonna be BIG!

And I keep thinking....Lord, all in preparation for the speaking time at the youth conference, but also for preparation and training for what is to come!

Hallelujah!

hehe

With all of that being said....I know it's a lot to catch up on.  A lot to read.  And some of you may think I've gone off my rocker.  And quite honestly, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really care whether people think I'm off my rocker or not.  You cannot persuade me otherwise that my God does not move.  Because He does.  And He can move in whatever way pleases Him.  The only thing He needs is an open vessel.

So, are you really open?  Or are you just all comfy in your positions, going, "that isn't real"?  Are you really open to ALL He has, or are you so biased and set against His Spirit that when He tries to come, you immediately shut it down?
Time for a heart check, people!

See....Jesus freak...and lovin' it.  This is my passion and desire...the one thing that matters most to me in the world above all else...His presence. :)

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex

It's time to step in!

The water's high and rising even more.  The past 2 days have been...woooooooow.  Between packing, moving and Jesus, it's been a whirlwind week! :)

"Raise up an army of laid down lovers"

I think to try to explain everything that's been going on would take a REALLY long time.  So, I'll try to be brief (as I'm taking a break of sorts) then come back to it later again today.

I got wasted in the Holy Spirit.  And it was like....whoa!  Way better than chocolate wasted, by the way! :)  AND dancing too! Whoaaaaa! hahahahahahaha

Some healing/restoration needed to happen.  Some more freedom needed to rain down.  And I needed to understand just who I am.  It's almost like this past 2 1/2 months have been this constant feeding of right mindsets, right thinking, casting out the old, renewing the mind, transforming...ever-changing.  After the 2 years of getting rid of junk, it's been a season of replacement...old patterns, old mindsets, old habits, old goals and desires.  Now, it's been time to take a step out into faith and begin to grow-up in who He has made me to be.  And WHAT a journey of discovery (ha!  I sorta had a rhythm going in my head there for a moment! haha).

My heart's just growing bigger.  More in love with Daddy God than ever before.  And dancing with my King.

And not apologizing for who He's made me to be.  And looking to Him for my approval and acceptance. :)

Well, folks, it seems I'm right where He wants me to be this new season of my life.  And I'm so looking forward to exploring this new place! :)

The force of joy

You know those times, when all you can do is laugh & jump & dance...when you're so joyful everything else bubbles up from that...yup. The force of joy! :)
Was driving to work after Bible Study this morning (which was really good by the way!). & just had this bubbling in my belly (spirit). All I wanted to do was dance & shout & clap & scream out my love for my Maker, my Husband, my God. & Just rejoice in all He is doing in this season. HE'S DOING SO MUCH!!!! :)
& through it all...learning how to worship & learn this amazing God I serve. & realizing, as well, just how joyful I've become. Just how MORE joyful He has made me, is making me to be.
Even in the areas where He calls me to be bold & step out in faith...the fear is gone. Just His absolute love.
What a great place to be...His arms. :) Bababababa I'm lovin' it. Hehe

And tonight, had a privilege of working with a ministry in the area of hospitality.  And meeting new people.  I had a ton of fun! :)  And I can't wait to do it all over again...as exhausted as I am right now! lol  I can tell this is where my heartbeat is.  Which always makes it fun for me! :)

Anwho...today was a great reflection on joy.  Before, I would've run around the room and kitchen like a chicken w/ no head.  And no brain.  And all stress.  Tonight, I tried to roll with the punches (hopefully it worked! lol), took everything in stride, relinquished control and just plain had fun.  Even to the point of dancing in my head.  I think at one point I did burst out into a mini song.  Or maybe that was in my head.

Anywho!  I loved it.  Every minute of it.  From prepping, to popcorn making, to sitting at the table eating (it took me awhile, but sit I did! haha).

And one thing that God showed me tonight...was how much more fun life is when joy is in the midst.  And not just fun...but how much that force of joy has to bring about the presence of God into a room and place.  And how drawn in/attracted people are when we walk in that supernatural joy.

All that to say...I'm praising my way through today! :)

And a whole 'nother thing...not quite on topic, but still learning.  Planted zinnias, like, 2-3 weeks ago, and have been impatiently waiting for them to grow.  But those seeds have been lying dormant for what seems like FOREVER!!!!  Until about 3 days ago, when all of a sudden, POP comes the first shoot, and it was HUGE compared to other seedlings I've grown.  And God spoke to me while I was impatiently waiting for my zinnias to begin to take and grow.  That I'm like these zinnias....I've been planted, and tilled, and watered, and prodded and poked and more watered, and sunshined out...and it's only been til now, til such a time as this, as He's beginning to cause me to blossom and bloom and shoot out of the soil into something beautiful.  Which goes w/ the word given to me on Monday (one that I didn't share on here).

What a cool confirmation of the word brought forth! haha

Now, good night my peeps! :)  Finally headed off to bed after a much busy yet really fun day!!! :)

I Challenge You...Will you answer it?

Tonight, I was messed up.  Torn up.  From the inside out. And my heart just cried out to Him.  It seems every time Core Values class happens at church, another chunk of the old mindset gets ripped out and replaced with a new mind-skin.  Which can get frustrating at times.

Tonight was most definitely one of those.  It was interesting, tonight.  When one of the words given was seeing a commissioning being released onto people's shoulders...and immediately, my heart began to cry out, "Jesus, what have you called me to do?  What have you commissioned for me to do?  I don't understand.  Everything's been changing so fast.  There's so much going on.  You've taken out the old, and are trying to replace new things, new mindsets, new identity."  And on and on.  Just...struggling for a bit.  A dear friend of mine hit the head on the nail...He took out all the crap, and now I'm having to relearn how to fill it up w/ the good stuff, the healthy stuff, the God stuff.  Which isn't easy.

So, tonight, as a couple at class came and asked how I liked tonight's teaching, I just broke down and cried.  And shared what my heart was crying out.  For help in this area.  For wanting to understand what He's done in me this past 2 years.  For trying to relearn/undo/renew things/mindsets.  So, they poured into me.  Gave me several words.  Which I don't mind sharing here (it has a purpose, I promise!):

• difference maker
• servant's heart
• mountain of Son-shine
• rest in Him--no anxiety
• bulldog tenacity
• big heart

There was a bit more, but honestly, I don't remember all of it.  That was the gist of it, though.

Which lead me to another question...one that I knew no one but my Abba Father could answer.  One that I've been asking secretly in my heart, but, as the word given to me on Saturday night (oh wait...just realized I probably didn't share that yet...so, here it is:

He sees your heart, and how you've been asking for things in your heart, without ever opening your mouth.  And He hears what you've been asking Him for.  He wants you to ask Him.  He delights in giving you what you ask Him for.

The gist of that being that it was time for me to open my mouth and begin to verbalize everything that's been jumbling in my heart for a very, very long time.  Things that I only shared in writing, or while exercising...things that I had never verbalized, but knew He had heard.)

Anywho, back to the story...the one question that I've been pondering over and over and over again...

Who do YOU say I am?

I know.  Most people would be, like, "Alex, you struggle with that?!"  Well, duh.  I'm human too! LOL  I'm not some super-spiritual person that has my act together.  I can be just as messed up and screwed up as everyone else.  But thank God for His amazing grace and mercy and love!!! :)  And for new mind-skins. :)

Okay, back again to the story...

So, tonight, came home, and knew that it was time to ask that question out loud.  To finally listen to what He had to say.  You see, for a very long time, I'd ask Him the question, and think I'd actually "get it", but not really.  It was still only head knowledge.  This time, I asked Him to make it heart knowledge too.  To REALLY show me, no holds barred, who I am.

41 minutes later, 200+ calories burned, I got my answer.  And yes, I'll share that with you too. :)

• overcomer
• forerunner
• precious
• jeweled
• healed
• delivered
• unburdened
• beautiful---beauty
• extravagant lover
• worshipper
• clean--in right standing with Me
• My heart
• joy
• unsatisfied--hungry for more of Me
• challenger of the status quo
• grace

And then, He ended by telling me this one sentence, "I am safe, beloved."

The one phrase I had been waiting to hear from Him.  I had kept that part of my heart hidden...never really telling anyone how much I struggled with seeing Him as "safe".  PTL the big brother DM has been helping me with that, more probably than he even realizes...

But I finally felt a snap in my heart, an untwisting of something that was knotted in it.  It was that little girl part of my heart asking Him, "Can I trust You?  Are You a safe place for me to go, and not be hurt?"  And I got my answer.

He's safe.  He's MY safe place.

Which leads me to my challenge.  You see, that 2nd list above there, well, that's who He says I am.  Not quite what I expected! hahaha  I thought I was going to get some nice, pat Bible answers.  But instead, of gave me words that are as unique that I am.  And then told me to find them in the scriptures. LOL  Only my Abba Father would send me on a treasure hunt like that. :)

Now, comes my challenge to all of you who read this.

I challenge you...

I triple dog dare you...

To ask Him the same question that I asked Him:

Who do YOU say I am??

And then wait for an answer.  And then, post your answer as a comment, reply, whatev.

Share it.  Because I promise, others will begin to confirm what He's telling you.  It's a wonderful part of your testimony.

So, beloveds...

I look forward to seeing just what He says to you.

And know, that even now, I'm praying for each one of you...to know who you are, and who He is in you.  To change your mind-skin to what HE has to say, not what anyone else says.  To begin to see through His eyes just how special and unique you are.  And to step out in faith and boldness, and become the man and woman He has called you to be.  And I pray that you have a new understanding that I love each one of you, am praying over you, and know that I struggle just like you do.  Which makes us family in the kingdom of God. :)

Looking forward to your testimonies!! :)

Alex

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, so I normally don't do this...but I kinda had to...'cause after awhile of thinking about this situation, I busted out laughing.  And then snorted.  And laughed some more. lol

I was accused today of stealing...of all things...bakeware.  Yes, you read that right.  Bake.  Ware.  I know.  I'm still scratching my head over this a bit.  I think because of how amazingly preposterous this seems to me.  Like...really really flabbergasted and preposterous.  Like, 4-5 months later...being accused of stealing a piece of your bakeware. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I know. I shouldn't really laugh.  I didn't when I was first accused.  I think because it came out of the blue...and was so incredibly random to me.

If you know me, you know I'd NEVER steal.  Period.  And I'd never steal bakeware.  Not when I am so freakishly picky about baking stuff, and only get, like, the expensive stuff from Walmart. lol  (Yeah, I made a crack at myself! hahahahaha)  Besides which, I haven't bought a piece of bakeware, in, well....*scratches head*...many months.  And that was a sided cookie sheet made by Wilton, bought at HEB, in 2010, so I can make pumpkin rolls.

I just...okay...I admit...I'm still chuckling.  Not out of disrespect.  But because I am entertained by this...I know, I know, but still.  I talked w/ a friend of mine about this, and she was left just as flabbergasted as I was.  I talked w/ my Abba Father about it, and that's when I started cracking up.

I think because if I was going to steal something...well, bakeware?!?!  Besides which, why would I steal anything???????  Hate to say it, but I don't want anything this person has.  Sorry, love.  Not interested.  I didn't want anything in that home and just wanted to leave the home as soon as humanly possible...even with praying through that home, I knew that it wasn't a "safe place" spiritually.  So, when I could, I removed myself immediately and for my own piece of mind/spirit.  Too dark.  And way too many nightmares.

Anywho...

At one point, was told that "karma's a bitch" and that the person was sad about the "holy act" going on.

Well, my love...Jesus loves you too.  He really does.  Doesn't matter what you think about me.  I'm still going to be amused by this.  Never once did I say anything mean or contrary to the Word during my time...and knowing how much there was turmoil there, did a prayer walk and spoke over your home, your family, your peace of mind.  Began to speak things out spiritually, and did battle in the dark.

All to say...despite everything, your accusations and your mean words...well...Jesus loves you.  He loves every aspect of you.  And if it would make you feel better, I'll gladly buy you another set of bakeware.  No biggie.  I think it's kinda funny, actually...being accused of taking something I don't even have myself.  My roomie doesn't even have one of those things. hehehehehehehehehehe  The impish side of me wants to be like, "You wanna come look in the house?  See for yourself?"  But that's not a good thing. lol  That's more of trying to prove myself right.  Which, doesn't really matter who's right in all of this.  It's a very small drop in the bucket, actually.

But I'm still laughing.  Stealing.  BAKEWARE. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, if you only knew me.  But you really don't.  And that's okay.  But I did remove you from FB...because, truth be told, kinda creeped me out when you mentioned the whole fb...felt a bit stalked after that...and a whole lotta creepy coming out...didn't realize you, uh, followed me that closely...

All that to say, if you need to confront me about something, please do it ASAP.  And not through text.  Have the honor and courage to confront me upfront, please.  I'll gladly invite you into the home (with roomie permission of course), show you around, offer a cup of coffee to you.  And then show you my bakeware. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

So, here's what I learned:
1. Even when being accused of something, you still gotta laugh.  And keep the twinkle in the eye. :)
2. You love people, despite everything.  You love them.  Why?  Because that really is what Jesus would do.  And you ask Him about the spirit behind the words.  Why?  Because I don't want to associate the person w/ the work of the enemy.  I want to see the Jesus in them.
3. I control my emotions.  No one else has the authority to do so.  So, instead of getting angry and saying what I really wanted to say, I let the matter drop.  Even after being accused of how I wasn't a Christian...over bakeware...okay, I'm sorry...but I'm still laughing and snorting.
4. When all else fails in how I should react...I have one conclusion....laugh and snort.  Just laugh and snort. LOL

So this is what it feels like...

I've posted this song before, but I'm doin' it again...'cause I can.  And then I'll explain. :)

This morning, I woke up from a dream with complete peace.  A peace that surpassed even my understanding.  I won't share all the details on cyberworld, but I'll gladly share some.  I was in an old room of mine, packing up, clearing things away, when someone walked in, threw their jacket on the bed, got up in my face, and said, "Just letting you know, but as soon as I'm done with this-", and the person pointed a finger up towards the ceiling of the room opposite of where we were standing, "-you need to leave.  You can keep the house, or you can leave."  And then the person waited for my decision.  Mind you, there was no fear when the person came up to my face.  NO. FEAR.  I just looked at the person and said, "I'm just here to clean out my things, and take what I need back.  Everything else is garbage and will be thrown away.  Then I'm going home.  This isn't home anymore.  This is just a room inside a house that I no longer live in and no longer want.  You can keep your house.  I am packing up.  I'll be done by morning."  (which is when the deadline was set, as the person was leaving in the morning)  The person just looked at me intently, and I looked back.  Again, face-to-face.  With. no. fear. I REPEAT.  No fear.  In my heart, as the person was looking at me, I knew that this was my goodbye.  That I would never come back to this place again.  And a peace came into me.  That's when I woke up, in peace and prayerful.  I asked the Lord immediately what that dream meant.  And He said that it was my way of saying good-bye.  "This is no longer my home."  He has created something new in me.  Has been for a very long time.

It's been a long battle.  A battle wrought with tears, anger, frustration, depression, fights and more determination than I think I knew I had.  So, again asking Him what this dream meant...it was a final realization that what He has been doing in me...IT IS FINISHED.  This process of healing/deliverance is finished, and I said my good-byes to the past, to the things that my heart needed to let go of.  And I laid them at the foot of the Cross.  And I sat and weeped and weeped and weeped with joy, just as I'm doing now, sobs racking my body.

That place is no longer my home.  I have a new home now.  It resides in freedom.  In healing.  In deliverance.  It resides in the joy of the Lord.  It resides with my Daddy God.  And I cannot help but weep with joy.  The battle that has been waged has been oh so very long.  And all I can do is weep and weep and weep with joy as He shows me the glimpses of prayers, the cries, the tears, the battles waged...and how at this one single moment, He has pieced it all together and said, "Well done, beautiful one.  Well done.  I love you."

So this is what it feels like to be free.  To be whole.  To be healed.  To receive it, and Him tell me, "It is finished."  And to lay it at the Cross, knowing that He is good.

So, I live you with one more song...a song that I cannot help but weep to in joy as I sit and listen to it.  And know, dear ones, that I am praying over each one of you reading this.  That just as He has taken me through this journey, so He'll take you through yours: of restoration, deliverance, healing, and learning to overcome.  So hang on, dear ones.  Don't let go.  Even when all you have is one single fingernail on the grips of the ledge, DON'T LET GO!  You're hope is coming!  Your healing is coming!  Deliverance is coming!!!!

Haggai Chapter 2 (from Biblegateway.com, Amplified version)

   4 But now take courage, Zerubbabel, says the LORD. Take courage, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Take courage, all you people still left in the land, says the LORD. Take courage and work, for I am with you, says the LORD Almighty. 5 My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid. 6 "For this is what the LORD Almighty says: In just a little while I will again shake the heavens and the earth. I will shake the oceans and the dry land, too. 7 I will shake all the nations, and the treasures of all the nations will come to this Temple. I will fill this place with glory, says the LORD Almighty. 8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, says the LORD Almighty. 9 The future glory of this Temple will be greater than its past glory, says the LORD Almighty. And in this place I will bring peace. I, the LORD Almighty, have spoken!" 
20 The LORD sent this second message to Haggai on December 18 : 
 ²¹Speak to Zerubbabel [the representative of the Davidic monarchy and covenant and in direct line of the ancestry of Jesus Christ] governor of Judah, saying, I will shake the heavens and the earth;^{(C)
    22}And I will [in the distant future] overthrow the throne of kingdoms and I will destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the [ungodly] nations, and I will overthrow the chariots and those who ride in them, and the horses and their riders shall go down, every one by the sword of his brother.^{(D)
    23}In that day, says the Lord of hosts, will I take you, O Zerubbabel, My servant, the son of Shealtiel, says the Lord, and will make you [through the Messiah, your descendant] My signet ring; for I have chosen you [as the one with whom to renew My covenant to David's line], says the Lord of hosts.

Zerubbabel, by Rick Pino

I saw them

I saw them
How'd I get so close oh God


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored, woo hoo
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored


Restore innocence oh, God
Restore innocence of this generation, Lord
Yeah!
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
Innocent ones


Listen
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored


This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation, oh, is coming out of confusion
Come out of your sexual confusion
Come out of your doctrinal confusion, yeah


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, woo hoo
My innocence is restored
It's restored
Yeah, yeah


No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation, yeah
No more confusion for my generation
Cause when you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
Be excellent in what is good
Be innocent of evil

Stop cursing my kids...

I think it all started last Thursday when this lady started praying over my kiddos...and I immediately was like, "uh, no, I don't receive that for them. Why are you praying that they're sick and yada yada yada and...lady, STOP PRAYING!!!"

But me, I didn't want to be rude.

Maybe I should have.

Because the change in their behavior has been astronomically different.  They went from being amazing to being, well, the opposite.

I've had kids in my office ON A DAILY BASIS!!!  I haven't had that since we first got the program up and running.  It's been an amazing month of greatness.

And one person's prayer about how they're all wild, and they're so glad I'm there, and how there's so much unruliness and...

Lady, what in the world makes you think it's okay to pray the bad over people?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I'm angry.  I'm angry that I have to once again go back and take the ground back.  Ground it took 6 LONG MONTHS to gain w/ these kiddos.

And I knew once those words came out of her mouth...just...grrrrrr.

So, now, I'm standing on the ground goin', "enemy, you're not taking my kiddos back!  you're not taking the peace and unity back!  you're not stealing our joy!"

It's been difficult though.  From staff to children, it's been so amazingly difficult.

So my prayer, and if those who read this would stand w/ me...

He'll give me the game plan to gain back the ground, and exactly how to combat the curses spoken over my children
He'll help me to see this person through His eyes, not mine of anger and hurt
He'll give me the grace and patience to deal w/ these issues in a loving manner, not one where I'd like to duck tape 'em to the wall...myself included...just for a moment of peace in my day
And above all, that He'll show me how to walk in love, not frustration, with those within our program, from boss to children and everyone else we encounter on a daily basis.

Needless to say, every night I've come home, ate, waited for food to go down, and then crashed for 8-10 hours.  If you know me, I don't normally sleep that long.  Think 6 hours unless I'm super tired or sick.  I've been super tired and exhausted.

I think my biggest frustration is that the person thought it was okay to say, "so many kids are sick, mental illness, misbehaviors, diagnosed w/ this and that and this and..." and then look at me and start proclaiming all of those things at my kiddos.  Behavior issues, diagnoses, illnesses..."Lord, teach her to be a light to these kids in her program who have all of these, because I know in today's society every child has something wrong with them"

WTF man?!?!?!??!?!?!  Yes, I cussed. I know.  It just gets me so angry!!!

Instead of seeing the wrong in them, maybe it's time to see the right.  The goodness.  What they do that's amazing and brilliant and strong!

The difference between me and others in my position...no matter their behavior, I see what they're capable of.  I see their strengths, their awesomeness, their heart to be loved and known and appreciated for being who they are, not who others tell them to be.  And when I talk to my kids, the minute I tell them, "_____, I'm disappointed in that choice you made.  I KNOW you can do better!  I KNOW you are amazing, unique, smart, __________________ (fill in the blanks).  I KNOW that between you and I, we can work on this.  Let me help you!  How can we work on this so that if this comes up again, we can do better?"  And that door is opened for them to believe that I love them, care about them, and want only the best for them.  (I've had grown middle schoolers and high schoolers cry when I start pouring into them like this.)
They see that my heart isn't to be down, degrading or angry at them.  But instead I want to instill just how amazing they are, mistakes and all.  I want them to see WHO they are, but also WHOSE they are.  I don't want them to leave my office without a change in their heart.

So, lady, instead of cursing today's generation of kids coming up...
Maybe it's time you start speaking life into them.
I don't want your curses.
I don't want your views.
Keep 'em to yourself.

If you're not gonna speak life over this generation, all I gotta say is move outta the way.  As harsh as this may sound, I don't need your view points of what's wrong with this generation.  I instead want a view point that this generation CAN grow up to be amazing, righteous, strong, and walking in faith.  So, if you don't have anything encouraging to add to that...it would be best you didn't talk to me.

Thanks,
disgruntled teacher/administrator/person who works w/ this generation

Losing it...and Loving it! :)

It's been a really long time since I've sat and wrote on this thing...almost a month to be exact.  And I can say...it's definitely been a journey.

Some days have been better than others.  Some days have been longer.  And yes, lots of tears and sweat and occasional pricks of blood drops due to paper cuts have been shed. (hehehe)

But today, I really just wanted to share what was on my heart at the moment.

Today was my weigh-in.  Dropped 2.2 lbs this week.  I was SOOOOOOOOO excited (and still am!).  I did my happy dance around the scale.  That's right.  I actually did a happy dance AROUND THE SCALE.  Those of you who have seen my happy dance...rejoice! lol

Part of me was excited about the weight loss.  But the biggest part of me was more excited that this process has been a beginning for me to choose to overcome.  It's a daily decision...will I choose to overcome old eating habits, old ways of thinking, old ways of a sedentary life...

Today is Day 20 since I made the commitment to learn to deal w/ the issues inside my body (from the physical aspect of it all).  So, I've been very careful on what I eat, how much I eat as well as daily activity of my body.
Here are several conclusions I've come up with:

1. When I want to quit, that's the best time to scream out loud, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH".  And yes, I've screamed it out loud.

2. My body does not rule over me.  My emotions do not rule over me.  I make the choice to conquer my body and bring it into submission to the Word.  The Word that says I am healthy, whole and healed.

3. As I'm still learning, I cannot do this journey alone.  I was not made to be an island, but instead was made to lift up others and be lifted up myself.  Why?  Because we are all one body in Christ.  If my story can encourage others, then let that happen.  If I can be encouraged by someone else's story, then let me hear it!  We are here to encourage and build each other up, and I'm believing that my story will encourage others to do the same in a NATURAL and HEALTHY way rather than the rapid weight loss systems or surgeries (no condemnation people!).

4. I'm learning to love working out.  I wake up with workout brain.  Workout brain is when my first thought of waking up isn't just, "Morning Jesus!"  But it now includes, "Morning Jesus LET'S DO THIS! RAAAAWWWWRRRR" lol  And yes, I know Jesus laughs at me....you do too...admit it, I'm funny. :)

5. Above everything, my focus during this process isn't a sexy body, a hot body, or being "hot" or anything to that degree.  My focus is presence-driven...When I do this, I am honoring Him with my body, my heart, my time and my life.  I'm honoring Him when I choose to help Him keep me healthy by allowing my body to become healthy in a natural process that will not just take away the impurities in my body, but will take away the sickness and disease in it as well.

6. Seeing the results of scales and measurements no longer intimidates me.  Why?  Because I know that even if the numbers aren't that great, I can still choose to get back up and try it again.  I'm learning the definition of "determination", "hard work" (thanks Dolvett) and "persistence with passion".  Even on days where it feels horrible, I feel horrible and discouraged...I'm choosing to remember to cast it aside, lay it at the foot of the Cross, and get back up to listen to my Abba Father's voice above all else.


With all of that being said, I've come to the realization and reality of one thing:

I'm doing this for me.
I'm doing this for Jesus.
I'm doing this for my Abba Father.

No one else.
Nothing else.

I know my goal.  I know my focus.  I know the Truth.

And the Truth says I can do this.  Even when I stumble a bit, the Light shows me the path.  And I can choose which way I go: to stay down, stay discouraged, and quit and give up because it's too hard or it's too painful.  Or path #2, get back up, put the scale away, put my blinders on so I don't get distracted by anything but what's in front of me and what is up, dust myself off, and try again, and again, and even again if necessary.

hard work
determination
never give up

Isn't God good?! :)

With that being said, my prayer for you is this:

You realize who you are in Him, so you can get the strength needed and the understanding that YOU matter to Him, and so does the way you live and worship Him with your body.  Not only that, but that you would allow others to encourage you.  That He would give you the boldness to share your struggles, your victories and the times when you stumble around for just a bit...not so people can condemn or laugh at you, but so that He can begin to use others around you to encourage and motivate you.
That you would begin to realize just how much you are loved in ALL aspects of your life, no matter what you look like, what you sound like, what you weigh, or anything else.
That you would see weight-loss from His perspective: not for selfish or worldly ways and reasons of doing it, but instead, it is so you can learn to honor Him with your body, ALL of your body, not just portions or pieces.

With that, dear beloveds, have a wonderful and fantastic day.  It's time for me to get back to my schedule and go workout! :)

What I've Overcome

So, I first heard this song yesterday as I was driving into work.  And I realized that I've found my "battle" song...my song for this season.
Every time I hear this song, my spirit literally jumps and goes, here it is.  So, let me post the lyrics, then I'll explain. :)

What I've Overcome lyrics

I've got this passion
It's something I can't describe
It's so electric
It's like I've just come alive

I feel this freedom 
Now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I've found the meaning of grace
(I found grace)

If only you come see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I know I'll stumble
I know I'll still face defeat
These second chances will define me

So I'm moving forward
I'm standing on my two feet
I've got momentum
I've got someone saving me
(got someone saving me)

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it finally feels to break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I make mistakes and I might fall
But I won't break
I've got someone saving me

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome

"Funny how words can't explain, How good it finally feels to break the chains, I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome"

It's taken me 2 years to get to this point.  Two very long, very heart-wrenching years.  Through the battles, the trials, the mistakes, the tears, the anger and rage, the weeping and mourning, words can't explain how good it feels to finally break the chains.  Even now, as I type, I feel tears just forming and pouring out.  Tears of rejoicing, looking back and realizing just how much I've overcome.

"If only you could see me yesterday, Who I used to be before the change, I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome"

So many people have told me they see such a change in me; all for His glory and good.  And others, who sometimes think they know me, see Him in me and mistake it for me.  All I've got to say to that, is I wish you could have seen me in those yesterdays, in the struggles, the battles, the rages, the tears, the heartache, the depression, the calls to my counselor and spiritual parents, the snot rags everywhere as I let lose a lifetime of crap I had been holding in for so long.  "If only you could see me yesterday, you'd see a broken heart, you'd see the battle scars."  And there are so many battle scars.  Even now, I wear a battle scar to this day.

But I'm believing that "I won't break because I've got someone saving me".  I'm believing that I'm what I've overcome.

So, with that being said...

My prayer for you:

You realize and understand your own battle scars, and that you get the revelation that you are what you have overcome.  If you've overcome fear, you are a FAITH-FILLED person.  If you've overcome the lies that life has to be lived in poverty, you are WALKING IN ABUNDANCE.  If you've overcome the lies of ugly, fat, unworthy, you are A DAUGHTER/SON OF THE MOST HIGH KING, THE APPLE OF HIS EYE, BEAUTIFUL AND BELOVED, LONGED FOR, PRECIOUS AND DESIRED.

That you realize you are NOT what you have done, but that, through the breaking of chains, you are what you've overcome.