I know. I should be in bed by now. (On a random note, the time is 11:11. The number 11 stands for deliverance & judgment. Numbers together means double portion.) I've seen those numbers a lot. Like, a lot a lot lately.
Anywho...
I was thinking tonight. Dangerous thing that. As much as I can laugh things off, it's in the quiet places where my mind begins to piece different things together. When I can finally sit in the quiet, in the secret, and really think. It's also when MC asks me those open-ended questions that I have no choice but to answer, and not shy away from or hide. You know the ones. The ones that make you cringe because you know you have to really sit and examine not only your heart, but your emotions as well.
Tonight's been one of those nights. And it actually started before talking with her. Before talking with EF. Just...before. At 4:26am to be exact. No, even further than that. At 3:00am when I woke up "randomly". *snorts* There's no random in my life anymore. Everything happens for a purpose.
Anywho...
Just...thinking... On a lot of things. A lot has been on my heart and my mind, and I'm realizing just how hard it is for me to share them. Some of them I'm willing to, but others, others....others stay real close to my heart. Not to be let out except for in the quiet of the night. And mostly because I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining this. I wouldn't know how to explain it. Words...aren't necessarily my forte when it comes to my emotions. It's easier for me to show you than it is for me to say it.
Thoughts like:
1. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew, and was better at it. Because I feel like a complete failure when it comes to this.
2. Running scared. When things hit me, they hit me hard. And all I want to do sometimes is pack my things, throw my hands in the air, and run. I just...there's been so many emotions lately, that sometimes, all I can do is shout out, JESUS!!, in the hopes that I don't become snowballed under everything. No one's fault but my own when I don't verbalize what I'm needing/feeling, and I should. *sigh* See #1.
3. I desperately long for a hug. Just one, giant, massive, big hug. Why? Because I can feel all of my insecurities beginning to pour out. And it's not pretty. It's messy, this life. It's messy, doing life period. And for most of my day, all I really want is someone to say, "I've got this." Instead of me having to constantly fight the battle of perfectionism that I tend to veer towards when in unknown situations. I miss those days when PT would look at me, and immediately knew if I needed a hug. The arms would open wide, and I'd actually walk quite rapidly into them. Strange for me, I know. (Hey, physical touch boundaries...) And remember always feeling safe, that no matter, even if that person knew every bad thing about me, I'd always be welcome in their arms. Or being able to walk up at random moments, and say, "I need a hug," and arms would come around me. I...miss that, frankly. I miss being able to do that. Which is, again, weird for me. I can see just how far He has taken me when it comes in this area. I never thought I'd ever say I miss physical touch when it comes to hugs. But I've had an excellent spiritual family who's done nothing but love on me through hugs, so I guess it makes sense. :)
Even with all of that, I know one thing.
The goodness of God still amazes me.
Always has.
Always will.
So, I'll go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that no matter what, my perfect peace and safe harbor is in Jesus Christ, my rock and my redeemer. My strength and fortress in times of need.
And I remember...
I'll not only be okay.
I'll come out shining in the end.
And on my lips at the end of nights like this, all I can say is, Thank You, Jesus. Thank You that YOU are my all in all. I rely on You and You alone.
And then I say, "More Lord. More."
Anywho...
I was thinking tonight. Dangerous thing that. As much as I can laugh things off, it's in the quiet places where my mind begins to piece different things together. When I can finally sit in the quiet, in the secret, and really think. It's also when MC asks me those open-ended questions that I have no choice but to answer, and not shy away from or hide. You know the ones. The ones that make you cringe because you know you have to really sit and examine not only your heart, but your emotions as well.
Tonight's been one of those nights. And it actually started before talking with her. Before talking with EF. Just...before. At 4:26am to be exact. No, even further than that. At 3:00am when I woke up "randomly". *snorts* There's no random in my life anymore. Everything happens for a purpose.
Anywho...
Just...thinking... On a lot of things. A lot has been on my heart and my mind, and I'm realizing just how hard it is for me to share them. Some of them I'm willing to, but others, others....others stay real close to my heart. Not to be let out except for in the quiet of the night. And mostly because I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining this. I wouldn't know how to explain it. Words...aren't necessarily my forte when it comes to my emotions. It's easier for me to show you than it is for me to say it.
Thoughts like:
1. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew, and was better at it. Because I feel like a complete failure when it comes to this.
2. Running scared. When things hit me, they hit me hard. And all I want to do sometimes is pack my things, throw my hands in the air, and run. I just...there's been so many emotions lately, that sometimes, all I can do is shout out, JESUS!!, in the hopes that I don't become snowballed under everything. No one's fault but my own when I don't verbalize what I'm needing/feeling, and I should. *sigh* See #1.
3. I desperately long for a hug. Just one, giant, massive, big hug. Why? Because I can feel all of my insecurities beginning to pour out. And it's not pretty. It's messy, this life. It's messy, doing life period. And for most of my day, all I really want is someone to say, "I've got this." Instead of me having to constantly fight the battle of perfectionism that I tend to veer towards when in unknown situations. I miss those days when PT would look at me, and immediately knew if I needed a hug. The arms would open wide, and I'd actually walk quite rapidly into them. Strange for me, I know. (Hey, physical touch boundaries...) And remember always feeling safe, that no matter, even if that person knew every bad thing about me, I'd always be welcome in their arms. Or being able to walk up at random moments, and say, "I need a hug," and arms would come around me. I...miss that, frankly. I miss being able to do that. Which is, again, weird for me. I can see just how far He has taken me when it comes in this area. I never thought I'd ever say I miss physical touch when it comes to hugs. But I've had an excellent spiritual family who's done nothing but love on me through hugs, so I guess it makes sense. :)
Even with all of that, I know one thing.
The goodness of God still amazes me.
Always has.
Always will.
So, I'll go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that no matter what, my perfect peace and safe harbor is in Jesus Christ, my rock and my redeemer. My strength and fortress in times of need.
And I remember...
I'll not only be okay.
I'll come out shining in the end.
And on my lips at the end of nights like this, all I can say is, Thank You, Jesus. Thank You that YOU are my all in all. I rely on You and You alone.
And then I say, "More Lord. More."
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