Walk by faith, not by sight.....12/8/15

Let me start off with...it's been a wild ride the past few months since the last blog post (Oct of this year).  Major decisions happened, and life is about to change as we know it.

If you didn't know, I have been trying to look for another job for awhile now.  Last year, Eric and I were talking about it, but felt that it wasn't time yet.  There was good to be done.  At the beginning of this year, we once again took it to the Lord, each in our own way.  We felt the go-ahead to begin the search for a new job.

Hundreds of applications later, and still nothing.  Then, I got a nibble.  The nibble didn't pan out.  And I lost hope for a minute.  I remember coming home in tears so many times, frustrated, stressed, anxious, emotionally drained.  If you didn't know, I work at what's called a BMC campus...behavioral management.  And I love my children.  I enjoy our families.  And admittedly, it's emotionally draining at the end of the day, day after day.  I hear the stories of the families, see the behaviors of the kiddos, attempt to sit and plan out the best for our children and the program I work for...which doesn't leave much to invest in our corner of the world.

After months of prayer separately, on the drive home one night, I started talking to Eric about what the Lord was revealing to me as the next step.  Remember, we hadn't talked about it with each other much, just agreed to take it up in prayer and generally prayed together without getting into specifics as we continued to hear.  Lo and behold, what I was hearing, Eric was as well.  We again agreed to take this up in prayer TOGETHER, as we knew it was a big leap of faith.  We also talked with our family and requested prayers as we listened.

After 10 years in the education field, I put in my two week notice.  I love my kiddos, staff and families, but it's time to invest into the family I was placed in, into my husband and our little corner of the world.  I'm currently waiting on paperwork to be processed for a new job (which I won't explain here).  But suffice it to say that...we're excited.  The world tells me I should fear, be anxious and worried.  I was telling Eric the other day that I feel none of those.  After we made the decision, I woke up the next morning with Out of the Grey's song, Walk by Faith (I think that's the title...Eric had found it from my olden days and posted it on my FB wall).  After so many months of dreading the drive, the emotions...I woke up with joy, peace and an excitement.

Most people would think I'm crazy.  I have a staff that's supportive, if not shocked.  Parents who are e-mailing and calling, wishing me well and speaking life.  And students who are giving hugs and smiles as they begin to realize they only have 2 more weeks with me.  (I'm glad I'm not surrounded by most people. :D)

I was talking to hubby last night.  I didn't realize just what an impact I had made on everyone.  I do my job because I love our children, and the families, even on the crazy days.  It brings tears to my eyes to hear the stories the parents are telling me, and the words of love and encouragement.  It's going to be a rough two weeks as I begin to pack away the office/classroom, but I also know it's with joy that I leave my kiddos, knowing that a light has been shined in each of their lives, a light that I hope one day leads them to Him who loved me first.

Now is a season to walk by faith, to grow in my knowledge of Him and worship Him with everything I have.  It's a short season of rest before I hopefully hit the ground running.  It's also a time of leaning on His strength as I say good-bye to the past 10 years.

If you pray for me, please pray for His strength and grace as I learn to say good-bye to so many people and children.  It will be hard for all of us.

And know that my prayer for you all in all of this is that, no matter what's going on in life, you walk by faith and not by what you see, your circumstances, troubles, issues, concerns.  That you stand on His Word and His promises, because He is a God who provides, Jehovah Jireh.  He has a banner over you, one of love.  Walk in it, praise in it, relish and cherish His love for and over you this season...rejoice that He was born and gave His life to celebrate in freedom and victory!!

In Him,

AF

"And you're going to hear me roar"......7-5-14

Never has a song been so fitting for this season in my life.  This past week, I had the honor and privilege of not only coming up with the songs for our talent showcase, but also the choreography for both my kinder boys and girls.  (I split them up rather than teach all 28 one song.  I enjoy my sanity.)  For the girls, I chose "Roar" by Katy Perry and "#thatPower" by Will.i.am for my boys.

As I was practicing with the girls, and as we were talking about the lyrics, I noticed that my girls were REALLY getting into the song.  They began to REALLY believe that they ARE champions, and that they are amazing.  I could see their confidence boost as they got the dance routine down in 2 hours (no, I'm not joking...it only took 2 hours, and every single line had at least 1 step/move to go along with it, plus memorizing the entire song).  And then, on the day of the performance, when I added a NEW move, and they got that down in 30 minutes.  Yeah, my girls are pretty impressive and amazing.

But what I found awesome was that the more that I worked with them, the more that I listened to that song, I remembered that feeling of, "you're going to hear me roar".  I've GOT THIS.  I CAN DO THIS.  But always remembering to never give up.

Eric and I have been watching Season 13 of The Biggest Loser.  If I'm honest, that's probably one of my favorite seasons.  The season of NO EXCUSES.  And I've had so many.  "I can't work out.  I don't have a gym.  I don't have self-control.  I can't do this.  I'm too tired.  I lack motivation." and on and on and on it went.  As we sat watching, something began, once again, to rise up in me.

Now, now is the time for NO EXCUSES.  I can have excuses all I want.  But the bottom line is, how bad do I want it?  When every voice in my head is screaming to "Give Up", "Give In", and just lay down and wait for that death to come upon me (the death of dreams, etc.)....I remember that I am a fighter.

Oh, how that spirit of complacency gets us.  We allow ourselves to sit back and let life pass us by.  We watch others achieve the dreams we desire, and we get angry, and sometimes jealous, of all they've been able to accomplish because we ourselves can't do it.  We turn bitter and cold sometimes because our dreams have died.

I was thinking about all of this last night.  I'm sitting here looking at the tiger print headband I created for myself to match my  girls' scarves.  And my dreams are dusting themselves off and calling my name.  "Don't give up.  Don't give in."  "I've got the eye of the tiger, and you're going to hear me roar."

And can I just say that I have an amazing husband who is roaring right alongside me?!  He has refused to allow me to give up.  As a matter of fact, every time the commercials come on, he makes both of us get up and start working out, whether it be cardio, weights, squats, resistance bands....  Not only that, but he's pushing for both of us to head outside and workout, or to the gym and workout, or to the pool and workout.  My Eric has the eye of the tiger, and I am so glad that he is roaring alongside me on this journey, calling me to never give up.  He's invested himself in our eating/calories, in what we make, in the foods we invest in and buy, and in making sure that I never allow myself to give up any longer.

I think it's, once again, appropriate for the season I'm in.  It's once again time to read The Wounded Heart (can you hear my jumping for joy moment?!) and go back and dig things up and out.  BUT, there is so much hope and passion.  God has blessed me with an amazing husband who refuses to give up on our God-given dreams of being healthy and whole.  Especially since we have a goal together.  I have a certain goal that I am longing to reach.

With that being said,

Out of the abundance of the heart... 6-19-13

...this mouth speaks. :)

You know, I should really be in bed right now.  But, I can't seem to.  Once again, I'm extremely wired and excited.  And I blame it all on God...in a good way. :P

I had the amazing privilege to sit and talk with the bestie via phone date tonight, and she let me talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And talk.  (Oh my gosh, thanks for that!)  For an hour, I just got to share everything that's been on my heart and my mind, something that I've been needing to do for awhile now.  I've been keeping quite a bit of things quiet on the home front, and I'm okay with that. :)  There's been so much transition that's been going on, with work, with life, with spiritual things.  I just...if I could attempt to put everything onto this blog, I'd be sitting here for over 2 hours.  I reeeaaaaalllllyyyyy don't want to be here that long.

The biggest thing in my life has been the changes that I've noticed in me spiritually.  As tough as that race was in May (see previous blog about Spartan Race/Biggest Loser RunWalk), I know that something shifted in me spiritually.  Something broke in me that I have been waiting for so long to finally let go of.  And ever since that day, the glow in my heart has been getting stronger.

As the roommate put it (and if I butcher your words, sorry Ms. P!), it's like the Lord has been working on my foundations to strengthen them, and now that they've been strengthened, He's begun to build up the wall that surrounds the foundation, creating an ever stronger structure.  ME! :)

I can see how that's happening, and it all starts with the people He has surrounded me with.  Too numerous to mention, yet each one of you plays a special part in my life, and you never even realize!  From hugs, to words of encouragement, to spending time with me, to talking with me...all I can say is, I am so very much grateful that He's placed you in my life.  Thanks for that. :)

Another change that has come about has been mentally.  I no longer walk in fear of certain...things.  I am walking with an excitement, looking towards the future and asking, "Abba Father, what do You have for me?"  Or just looking up at Him in the mornings and smiling, knowing that it's been another night without nightmares (minus one last night...but it doesn't count...because it was weird...and I didn't like it...).  It's also been a bit, umm..., easier?! to capture my thoughts in the area of struggles and temptations, especially when it comes to past addictions.  It's been a bit crazy just to realize how swiftly I've come to recognize a thought as contrary to the Word, then going, "No!  I refuse to entertain you!  You have no right or entrance into my thought life, and I choose the Word .....(insert verse here of what's needed at the time)."  I never thought this day would come.  To finally be on the VICTORS side of this battle.  Yes, I still know I'll have days.  But you know what?!  My victorious days have far out-weighed the bad days, and I will rejoice in that.  And I've gotta thank D & M for the constant accountability, and the glared looks *cough cough* when I'm NOT walking in the Word! lol  (By the way, D can give some serious glared looks...makes me shrink every time! lol)

And lastly, the 3rd change.  Physically.  As someone said it earlier this past weekend, the weight on my shoulders has lifted off.  I've been walking in so much more freedom.  And the more freedom I've walked in, the more the weight has come off.  The more that I don't long to hide anymore, but I look forward to blooming, to seeing where God wants me to be.  And I am absolutely thrilled!  I have waited for this moment for so long.  (yay, the tears are coming now)  The knock down drag out fights with God, the anger, the tears, the ripping open of wounds, the displaying of all the crap for others to see when/as needed...this all to serve a purpose.  To get me to this place of freedom.  And though this journey has been one of the toughest for me, I cannot say that I regret it.  Because I don't.  I'm...thankful.  I'm...thankful...for EVERYTHING that's happened.  The good.  The bad.  The ugly.  I am truly thankful.  Not because it was right.  But because without it, I wouldn't be who I am, or where I am, that I am now.  (That was a Dr. Seuss moment there! ha) My past, my mistakes, my struggles, my trials, my temptations, my battles...my victories, my scars, my healings...all of this has made me to exactly who I am today.

And it's allowed me to realize some things...

1. I am loved beyond measure.
   I know that He loves me.  But not only does HE love me, but others do too.  It didn't really think they did. Why?  Because I always thought I wasn't worthy to be loved.  I wasn't worthy of love.  I didn't, couldn't, deserve it.  Even though others told me they loved me, I always secretly called them liars in my heart.  But, by golly, you peeps hung on to me.  You never let me forget just how much I am loved.  I see it via facebook, text messages, phone calls...  I see it when you hug me extra long, even when I don't didn't want it.  I see it when you cry with me, when you laugh with me, when you hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay.  I see it when you dance with me, when you smile at me, when you let me put my head on your shoulder because you're taller and know I'm tired.  I see it every time, and I never thanked you all for that.  So, thank you.  God's been breaking the uglies off of me, and I can see, I'm turning out to be quite beautiful.

2.  I am wanted.
   Yet another struggle.  Who'd want me?  It all goes back to #1.  And despite everything, there's many of you who have made me realize just how wanted I am.  You all have no idea just how much you've saved my life.  At moments when I contemplated harming myself, your pictures would flash through my eyes, and I'd realize...it's not worth it.  Thank you for hanging on during the tough, crazy seasons.  Thank you for talking me off ledges, for holding me in your arms and letting me weep in them when I had no words to say what I was feeling.  Thank you for being my mothers, my fathers, my brothers, my sisters.  Thank you so much.  (ohmygolly I'm a freakin' water bucket tonight!)

3.  I am free.
   I....yeah.  Just...how to describe?  Knowing that freedom is...amazing?  That I don't doubt.  And I've got to thank some special people for that too.  Because you all hung on to the vision of my freedom, even when I no longer could see how it was possible.  You were there when I had to set boundaries, had to do the hard stuff, when I snot ragged everywhere, when I had to leave because I couldn't hold in my tears.  You were there when I needed hugs, hands, arms, hearts.  You were there when all I could do was look at you all with tears in my eyes, shake my head, and hide behind my hands because I was too ashamed to say the words.  You were there when you began to see the freedom breaking out, the healing beginning, and the wounds being healed.  You were there.  And I thank you.  I thank you for carrying that vision, that mantle, those words, spoken over me.  I thank you so very much for NEVER giving up on me, when I was so ready to quit on myself.

And two very special people I thank in my life.  One for teaching me all of the above, and yet walking out her own amazing journey.  She has believed in me from the beginning, stuck by me through all the junk, and refused to allow me to retreat and surrender, even when she had to drag me by my very short hair.  She made sure I went to every counseling appointment (by making sure I didn't cancel! lol), then waited patiently for me as I spewed everything on her.  She was there through deliverance, through healing, through freedom, through struggles, through rough patches, through anger and madness and depression.  And not once did she ever leave my side.  But instead, she stuck even closer.  She became my sister.  My family.  My very own female Jonathon.  Thank you, Mari.

The second, to a man who has taught me that not only am I precious, but I'm special.  Who makes fun of me because he loves me.  Who taught me it's not nice to hit boys.  Who taught me how to believe in myself, because he believed in me.  Who listened to my ramblings, who counseled me when it came to guys.  Who answered every single one of my questions about guys, and never flinched.  Who made me laugh at myself and my mistakes.  Who spoke strong words when needed, was quiet when needed, and who stuck up for me, and made sure I stuck up for myself.  Who helped me learn what setting boundaries is.  Who made me then stick to those damn boundaries. Who taught me to say no, who taught me to respect what I want and need.  Who still teaches me, and never even realizes it.  Who always answers my text replies for hugs with a smiley.  Who lets me buy random presents and bring them to show that always make me laugh if I know they're "him".  Who meets me for monthly dinners because I miss our random conversations.  He became my big brother.  My family.  A man I greatly respect and regard highly.  Thank you, Daniel.

And for the rest of you, I love you all too.  I haven't forgotten about you.  As a matter of fact, each one of your faces is flashing before my eyes.  I see you, and smile, and remember just those ways I am so very grateful for you.  And it excites me to know that life is still happening, still doing.  And it's good.

And before the 'rents feel left out...to the spiritual parents in my life.  Who've slapped me upside the head with truth and Word.  Who've held me, hugged me, tucked me into their arms and let me sob it all out.  Who've teased me unmercifully.  Who've talked me off ledges.  Who've walked me out of tight spots.  Who've prayed over me, with me, for me.  Who've seen all of my junk in its ugliest forms, and never flinched, judged or laughed.  Instead, they loved me, poured into me, saw me, acknowledged me, and then began to call out in me the God-awesomeness they saw in me.  They never stopped believing in me, for me.  And I love them so very much.  (ugh!  More tears!!!!)  Words cannot express just how much I love and adore you in my life.  And how very much I am humbled to call you parents.  Thank you, Papa Treiber, Jan, Lynn and Mr. Hector.  I look forward to baking many more amazing goodies for you all. :)  *cough cough*

A Note to Myself...3-3-13

Um, holy crud Fatwoman!!  It's becoming a reality.  You. are. losing. weight.

You don't know how.  Especially on week's when you don't work out, your eating has been crappy, and you feel like you put on all the weight you lost...  But it's happening.

So much, that you still step on the scale another 3 4 5 times just to verify that the number you saw was correct.  And you've been doing this for the past almost month.  So much so that you keep dancing for joy in the restroom every time you see your scale, rather than run and hide from it.

You're changing, Fatwoman!!  You no longer see the number on the scale as a disappointment, even when it may go up. You see it as a personal challenge to kick the scale in the ass, and shove it up lost fat's sun-no-shine area.

Matter of fact, Fatwoman, you're kicking ass.  You're own.  And I for one cannot be more proud of the changes that I've seen in you.  From letting more people in to your life, to being more open and honest on this journey.

You're no longer ashamed of who you are, but you are becoming proud of who He's creating you to be.  You can look in your kiddos eyes and see just how much they are proud of you, as you continue on this journey.  And this is where some of your strength comes in...showing them how to pursue a healthy life, so they in turn can live it to its fullest.

Fatwoman, you are slowly having to change your name to something else...like KickAssWoman, or SkinnyMini or....I don't know yet, but I promise I'll come up with something good.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm proud of how much you've accomplished, how far you've gone, and the willingness to continue this journey AND NOT GIVE UP.

You're doing it, woman!  And you're going strong, after 4 months, and continue on the lifestyle changes, EVEN WHEN YOU MESS UP.  What a difference this season is seeing.

And all I can say is,

Welcome back, fighter.
Welcome back, victor.
It's lovely to see you again.
You're slowly being healed from the inside out.
You're looking your abusers in the face in your mind's eye and telling them they no longer have power over you.
You're no longer walking in fear, but are slowly turning that fear into the faith to walk into the unseen realms He has for you, in EVERY area of your life.
You're no longer allowing your body to dictate who you are.  You're allowing Him, and your heart, to dictate who you will be.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm so, so, so proud of you.

And finally, I can say, what an honor it is to have you as part of my life.

Love,

Yourself :)

Freedom is never free....1-25-13

You always hear that phrase being tossed around.  At least, I have.

I don't think I really understood it until recently, especially this evening.


I took a step back and rested today.  I was hit hard, and literally sat in my car this morning and just sobbed for 5 minutes with such a heavy weight of frustration.  But even as I sat there, sobbing, I began proclaiming joy and peace over my emotions, and I began to battle against the anger and frustration.

That was the first time I've taken up my sword and TRULY battled.  Not just said what I thought needed to be said (fake it til you make it, all while hiding and stuffing my emotions inside until I literally made myself sick).  But instead, I let myself cry, feel the emotions, and then TOOK CONTROL of the emotions by examining them with the Word of God.

And as I battled, I realized something.  That light bulb moment.

The freedom that I desire, that I crave, that I want, that I have...
It really wasn't free.

I've had to battle for it.  Fight for it.  Dig my way out of the muck, ground, dirt and crap.
Every aspect of freedom that I've gained...all came because I battled my way through things.

I fought for every step of freedom.  I refused to give up ground, and instead, took BACK ground.

And it wasn't free.

It cost me.

It cost me time.

It cost me tears.

It cost me reopening wounds and digging out all of the infection.

IT WAS NOT FREE.

And it still costs me.  It costs discipline, determination and the desire to be free in the first place.

So, I have a question for you:

What do you want to be free from?  And what will it cost you?

Are you willing to fight for your freedom?

I am.  It'll hurt.  It'll cost more tears, more time, and more wounds being dug out.  But it's worth it.

It all comes down to...

Do you think you're worth being free?

I hope you know just how valuable you are.  And that you deserve to be free.  You don't have to accept the bondage any longer.

When you begin to realize that, throw down the gauntlet and let the battle for your freedom begin!  It's worth it!!!

Keep your eyes open

Today, well, the past few days, I've felt this need to write.  And write some more.

To write what was on my heart.  To let go of some things.  To just...unburden myself.  And allow all of the emotions to flow.  That's one of the things I was told I was good at...writing down my emotions.  I can't always express them, but when I write, everything just seems to flow from pen to paper.

Today was no different.  As I sat at my desk, getting ready for the holiday festivities, I finally picked up my stationary set and pen and just let everything flow.

Doubts.  Fears.  Anger.  Tears.  And longing.  So much longing.

And as I sat and wrote, this song kept playing in my head:

And over and over, the whisper of His voice as I wrote...to not give up, to keep on going.  To keep my eyes open.  To not let go.  To not lose hope.  Even amidst my frustration and angst.  "'cause if you never leave home never let go you'll never make it to the great unknown...so show me your fire, show me your heart, you know I'll never let you fall apart, if you keep your eyes open, my love"

And I just burst into tears.  This past week just hit me.  The ending of something.  Well, more than one thing. And how so many changes have come up.  And that yeah, right now, my heart feels a bit broken and shattered at the realization that I need to let go of some things.

But I'm also reminded to not give up hope, even when that's all I want to do in my flesh.  To keep holding on.  To keep my eyes open.

But also to keep walking in Him.  In His light.  His voice.  His love.  "So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love"

 All of that to say...

If you're at the point where you're so frustrated, and you want to give in....

When all you see is the darkness around you....

When you've lost hope in the promises given, or the words spoken...

Keep your eyes open.

Keep them focused on Him.

Don't look away.

Don't give up.

Crawl if you must.

Dig into the ground and elbow your way through the muck.

But keep your eyes open.

The mountain may seem large, but I promise, it's not.

It may seem unsurmountable, unattainable...

But it's not.

Because I serve a God who makes all things possible.

Paves a way where there is none.

Opens the floodgates of hope when we choose to keep our eyes on Him.

Not on our circumstances.

Not on our status quo.

Not on our relationship(s), or lack of them.

But when we are so focused on Him,

His eyes,

His heart,

His face,

His voice.

When we are so focused on Him,

That's all we say.

So, today, I'm letting that be my anthem, my theme, for this season, as I allow my heart to feel emotions, to break, to cry, to tear, to anger, and to doubt.  I'm remembering that through it all, my eyes will still remain focused on Him.

And that brings me a comfort, a peace, a joy....that I can't even begin to describe.

Because I know that, ultimately, this leads to another chain broken, another thing being set free.  Another petal in my flower to be allowed to bloom.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

And all that is within me, praise and bless His holy name.

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex

So this is what it feels like...

I've posted this song before, but I'm doin' it again...'cause I can.  And then I'll explain. :)

This morning, I woke up from a dream with complete peace.  A peace that surpassed even my understanding.  I won't share all the details on cyberworld, but I'll gladly share some.  I was in an old room of mine, packing up, clearing things away, when someone walked in, threw their jacket on the bed, got up in my face, and said, "Just letting you know, but as soon as I'm done with this-", and the person pointed a finger up towards the ceiling of the room opposite of where we were standing, "-you need to leave.  You can keep the house, or you can leave."  And then the person waited for my decision.  Mind you, there was no fear when the person came up to my face.  NO. FEAR.  I just looked at the person and said, "I'm just here to clean out my things, and take what I need back.  Everything else is garbage and will be thrown away.  Then I'm going home.  This isn't home anymore.  This is just a room inside a house that I no longer live in and no longer want.  You can keep your house.  I am packing up.  I'll be done by morning."  (which is when the deadline was set, as the person was leaving in the morning)  The person just looked at me intently, and I looked back.  Again, face-to-face.  With. no. fear. I REPEAT.  No fear.  In my heart, as the person was looking at me, I knew that this was my goodbye.  That I would never come back to this place again.  And a peace came into me.  That's when I woke up, in peace and prayerful.  I asked the Lord immediately what that dream meant.  And He said that it was my way of saying good-bye.  "This is no longer my home."  He has created something new in me.  Has been for a very long time.

It's been a long battle.  A battle wrought with tears, anger, frustration, depression, fights and more determination than I think I knew I had.  So, again asking Him what this dream meant...it was a final realization that what He has been doing in me...IT IS FINISHED.  This process of healing/deliverance is finished, and I said my good-byes to the past, to the things that my heart needed to let go of.  And I laid them at the foot of the Cross.  And I sat and weeped and weeped and weeped with joy, just as I'm doing now, sobs racking my body.

That place is no longer my home.  I have a new home now.  It resides in freedom.  In healing.  In deliverance.  It resides in the joy of the Lord.  It resides with my Daddy God.  And I cannot help but weep with joy.  The battle that has been waged has been oh so very long.  And all I can do is weep and weep and weep with joy as He shows me the glimpses of prayers, the cries, the tears, the battles waged...and how at this one single moment, He has pieced it all together and said, "Well done, beautiful one.  Well done.  I love you."

So this is what it feels like to be free.  To be whole.  To be healed.  To receive it, and Him tell me, "It is finished."  And to lay it at the Cross, knowing that He is good.

So, I live you with one more song...a song that I cannot help but weep to in joy as I sit and listen to it.  And know, dear ones, that I am praying over each one of you reading this.  That just as He has taken me through this journey, so He'll take you through yours: of restoration, deliverance, healing, and learning to overcome.  So hang on, dear ones.  Don't let go.  Even when all you have is one single fingernail on the grips of the ledge, DON'T LET GO!  You're hope is coming!  Your healing is coming!  Deliverance is coming!!!!

Haggai Chapter 2 (from Biblegateway.com, Amplified version)

   4 But now take courage, Zerubbabel, says the LORD. Take courage, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Take courage, all you people still left in the land, says the LORD. Take courage and work, for I am with you, says the LORD Almighty. 5 My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid. 6 "For this is what the LORD Almighty says: In just a little while I will again shake the heavens and the earth. I will shake the oceans and the dry land, too. 7 I will shake all the nations, and the treasures of all the nations will come to this Temple. I will fill this place with glory, says the LORD Almighty. 8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, says the LORD Almighty. 9 The future glory of this Temple will be greater than its past glory, says the LORD Almighty. And in this place I will bring peace. I, the LORD Almighty, have spoken!" 
20 The LORD sent this second message to Haggai on December 18 : 
 ²¹Speak to Zerubbabel [the representative of the Davidic monarchy and covenant and in direct line of the ancestry of Jesus Christ] governor of Judah, saying, I will shake the heavens and the earth;^{(C)
    22}And I will [in the distant future] overthrow the throne of kingdoms and I will destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the [ungodly] nations, and I will overthrow the chariots and those who ride in them, and the horses and their riders shall go down, every one by the sword of his brother.^{(D)
    23}In that day, says the Lord of hosts, will I take you, O Zerubbabel, My servant, the son of Shealtiel, says the Lord, and will make you [through the Messiah, your descendant] My signet ring; for I have chosen you [as the one with whom to renew My covenant to David's line], says the Lord of hosts.

Zerubbabel, by Rick Pino

I saw them

I saw them
How'd I get so close oh God


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored, woo hoo
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored


Restore innocence oh, God
Restore innocence of this generation, Lord
Yeah!
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
Innocent ones


Listen
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored


This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation, oh, is coming out of confusion
Come out of your sexual confusion
Come out of your doctrinal confusion, yeah


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, woo hoo
My innocence is restored
It's restored
Yeah, yeah


No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation, yeah
No more confusion for my generation
Cause when you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
Be excellent in what is good
Be innocent of evil

Break EVERY chain

This morning, I stuck the banner in the ground.  And started my day with this song:

Break Every Chain – Will Reagan and

the United Pursuit Band

C#m    A      E     B

There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
To break every chain
To break every chain
To break every chain

All sufficient sacrifice
So freely given
Such a price bought
Our redemption
Heaven’s gates swing wide

There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
To break every chain
To break every chain
To break every chain (4x)

There’s power in the Name of Jesus

Copyright © 2009 United Pursuit Records – words and music written by

Will Reagan

This journey into venturing into breaking the fear of men (not being able to talk w/ them, running, the inability to accept compliments, not seeing them as, well, humans, but something scary, like the scary monsters from your nightmares) has been a long 2 months.  I know, it's only been 2 months.  But last night, and this morning (mostly this morning), my battle cry rose up in me.

I was done with this!  DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!!!!  I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE!  BREAK EVERY CHAIN!  I AM SO ANGRY AT THE ENEMY!  I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!!  For the first time, something rose up in me and said, "I refuse to accept this!!  I refuse to receive this!!  I refuse to have this on my life anymore!!!!  I will not!  Devil, I am taking back the ground that you've stolen from me!  I am taking back the goodness you have stolen in what you intended men to be!  YOU CANNOT HAVE MY FUTURE!  YOU CANNOT HAVE MY RELATIONSHIPS!  YOU CANNOT HAVE MY HUSBAND because of my fear!!!!!"

Xena, Warrior Princess came out...with the yell and everything.  I just got SO ANGRY!!!!  Because so many times the thoughts have snuck in to just settle...to do things a certain way because, well, that's what I had been told to do, or that's what was seen, or or or or or.  Always the or.  But NO LONGER!  I am choosing to do things HIS WAY in this.

And I will NOT back down!!!!!!!!  I am choosing, as we learned last night, to WRESTLE WITH GOD until He breaks EVERY CHAIN in this area!!  I don't want the bondage anymore.  I don't want the fear.  I WANT IT GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE!!!

And I am CHOOSING to stand on the promises that have been spoken to me these past 2 months.  I am choosing to stand on the words given about my husband, my marriage, and my relationship.  I WILL NO LONGER SETTLE!  IT'S NOT OKAY ANYMORE!!!!!  And it never has been.  But I think a part of my heart was willing to settle so I wouldn't have to deal w/ the fears of a relationship. So I wouldn't have to deal w/ the fears of what emotions would come out, what my emotions would look like.  Because that's what I discovered last night.  So many emotions...and from a person who didn't always know how to express emotions or was told I was just "too sensitive" (b.s. people...being real, but that was b.s....I can explain that later...)...to someone w/ a gazillion of them now, and they're coming so fast that I don't know which way is up and down this past week...and trying so hard to guard my heart, my mind and my emotions...that I was just plain tired of battling.  So, everything is on hold in this arena until further notice.  Because I want freedom FIRST.  I won't back down!  Which comes to the next song on my playlist this morning:

Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
you could stand me up at the gates of hell
but I won't back down

Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
and I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
gonna stand my ground and I won't back down

Chorus
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin' me around
but I'll stand my ground and I won't back down

Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down
No, I won't back down

But for right now, whatever my heart or mind may say...if it doesn't line up with the Word, with the freedom I desire, with the core values I am setting before my life...then I don't care what my heart, mind or emotions say. I won't back down.  I will stand my ground.

I will not settle.  I will fight.

I will stand.

Why?

Because I am worth the fight.

I am worth the battle.

I am worth the pursuit.

I am worth it.

I am beautiful.

I am strong.

I am precious.

I am anointed.

I am whole.

I am healed.

I am set free.

I am His daughter.

I am infectious.

I carry the presence.

I will not back down.

I will not allow joy to be stolen,

I will not allow the enemy to win,

I will not allow fear,

I will not allow lies,

I will not allow past failures,

I will not allow self-doubt,

I will not allow people's opinions,

I will not allow inner lies,

To steal the goodness of God, the mercy of God, the grace of God, the freedom of God

He is wanting to restore and place and create and strengthen in my life.

I won't allow it.

So my battle cry is set.

My eyes are straight ahead.

I won't back down

I will stand my ground

For He is worthy to be praised

In the midst of my storm

In the midst of my trials

He is always good

Nothing will change that

Nothing will sway me

My Abba Father is GOOD!