Things Unseen.....1/7/16

Life has been...different.  It's been...weird, to say the least.  I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet.  A different stress.  A different life.

By all means, please don't hear complaint.  I'm not complaining.  It's different.

I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek.  And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.

You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless.  I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.

There, I said it.  Depression.  The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.

I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face.  Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down.  I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years.  The last one was...terrifying.

I remember the first time it happened.  I almost committed suicide.  I was ready to give up, give in.  Instead, He brought me to Jesus.  It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace.  If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.

Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction.  Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place.  He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light.  He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me.  He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance.  This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.

Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different.  It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing.  The darkness name: sexual abuse.  I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it.  The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness.  I was...broken.  I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing.  To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this.  Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive.  Some days are better than others.  Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come.  The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything.  So, some nights, some days are better than others.  My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare.  (This a few years later, after the counseling.)

After counseling, I was...free.  God opened so many doors, so many friendships.  He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.

Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness.  The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.

And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!

With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT!  He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning.  He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley.  As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful.  To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.

Hold on, Beloved.  Hold on.  FIGHT!  Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in.  Instead, make a way for Me!  Instead, worship Me!  Instead, honor Me!  Instead, love Me!  AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU!  I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!

With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus!  Yes!!  I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope.  Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You.  I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed.  I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.

Above all...I will love.  I will love.

My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  FIGHT!  Believe!  Seek!  And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness.  There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.

"And you're going to hear me roar"......7-5-14

Never has a song been so fitting for this season in my life.  This past week, I had the honor and privilege of not only coming up with the songs for our talent showcase, but also the choreography for both my kinder boys and girls.  (I split them up rather than teach all 28 one song.  I enjoy my sanity.)  For the girls, I chose "Roar" by Katy Perry and "#thatPower" by Will.i.am for my boys.

As I was practicing with the girls, and as we were talking about the lyrics, I noticed that my girls were REALLY getting into the song.  They began to REALLY believe that they ARE champions, and that they are amazing.  I could see their confidence boost as they got the dance routine down in 2 hours (no, I'm not joking...it only took 2 hours, and every single line had at least 1 step/move to go along with it, plus memorizing the entire song).  And then, on the day of the performance, when I added a NEW move, and they got that down in 30 minutes.  Yeah, my girls are pretty impressive and amazing.

But what I found awesome was that the more that I worked with them, the more that I listened to that song, I remembered that feeling of, "you're going to hear me roar".  I've GOT THIS.  I CAN DO THIS.  But always remembering to never give up.

Eric and I have been watching Season 13 of The Biggest Loser.  If I'm honest, that's probably one of my favorite seasons.  The season of NO EXCUSES.  And I've had so many.  "I can't work out.  I don't have a gym.  I don't have self-control.  I can't do this.  I'm too tired.  I lack motivation." and on and on and on it went.  As we sat watching, something began, once again, to rise up in me.

Now, now is the time for NO EXCUSES.  I can have excuses all I want.  But the bottom line is, how bad do I want it?  When every voice in my head is screaming to "Give Up", "Give In", and just lay down and wait for that death to come upon me (the death of dreams, etc.)....I remember that I am a fighter.

Oh, how that spirit of complacency gets us.  We allow ourselves to sit back and let life pass us by.  We watch others achieve the dreams we desire, and we get angry, and sometimes jealous, of all they've been able to accomplish because we ourselves can't do it.  We turn bitter and cold sometimes because our dreams have died.

I was thinking about all of this last night.  I'm sitting here looking at the tiger print headband I created for myself to match my  girls' scarves.  And my dreams are dusting themselves off and calling my name.  "Don't give up.  Don't give in."  "I've got the eye of the tiger, and you're going to hear me roar."

And can I just say that I have an amazing husband who is roaring right alongside me?!  He has refused to allow me to give up.  As a matter of fact, every time the commercials come on, he makes both of us get up and start working out, whether it be cardio, weights, squats, resistance bands....  Not only that, but he's pushing for both of us to head outside and workout, or to the gym and workout, or to the pool and workout.  My Eric has the eye of the tiger, and I am so glad that he is roaring alongside me on this journey, calling me to never give up.  He's invested himself in our eating/calories, in what we make, in the foods we invest in and buy, and in making sure that I never allow myself to give up any longer.

I think it's, once again, appropriate for the season I'm in.  It's once again time to read The Wounded Heart (can you hear my jumping for joy moment?!) and go back and dig things up and out.  BUT, there is so much hope and passion.  God has blessed me with an amazing husband who refuses to give up on our God-given dreams of being healthy and whole.  Especially since we have a goal together.  I have a certain goal that I am longing to reach.

With that being said,

One minute at a time....6/1/14

It's been awhile since I've last posted.  My previous one was most definitely a rant that I kept to myself. :)

Anywho....

I can't believe it's been 10 months since Eric and I got married.  We were talking earlier this weekend, and we both agree--it feels like it's been so much longer, but in such a good way.  I love my husband.  The man who cooked me breakfast and added extra turkey bacon 'cause I wanted.  He made the coffee for me, and he let me sleep in knowing just how tired I was.

The same man who's shampooing our bedroom carpet right now as we had a mini-flood happen on our floor.

The same man who gives me hugs when I asks, does GREAT back and feet massages, and who loves me unconditionally through the worst of my more dramatic moments.

All that to say....

It seems lately God has been hammering a singular theme into my life this past month.  "One minute at a time; one moment; one day."  Basically, it's all about the baby steps.  Sometimes I expect so much more out of myself than anyone else.  I put all of this added stress to try to get things perfect "just right".  And I have allowed myself to forget that it's okay to breathe in those little moments.  It's okay that not everything gets done all at once because I said so in one day.  I have had to admit, multiple times, that I am not superwoman.  I've tried to be.  Ask my hubby and staff.

I've tried to get everything perfect, lined up, ducks in a row.  I've tried to present that facade everything is okay, I can handle this attitude.  When, clearly, I can't.  From stress at work (deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, staff, deadlines, children, deadlines, deadlines, etc.) to stress at trying to maintain a home to "perfect" standards...

I'm sitting here with maybe 8 hours sleep under my belt this entire week.  And I'm thinking...I can't do this.

My thought process on this isn't real.

Something has to change.

So, I grab my 2nd cup of coffee, and I sit, and I write.  Only to realize....you know what, if it's not immaculately clean...it will be okay.

The chore chart has helped SOOOOO MUCH!!!!  It's allowed my life at home to be a bit more manageable, and less likely for me to pull my hair out every time I see something that needs to be done.

In essence, because we've broken up everything that needs to get done around the house between Eric and I, and between 6 days of the week....maintaining the house has been easier.  Keeping things CLEANER (I can't say it's completely clean) has been easier too.

What's the point of all this, you ask?

No matter what journey you are on, stop beating yourself up.  Stop expecting perfectionism.  Stop expecting others to be perfect.  Stop setting expectations of things so high, that you don't realize that you need to come down to Earth just a wee bit.  (Not saying lower them....just be REALISTIC with them.)  Let that Holy Spirit voice that we tend to push to the background have a bit louder of a say so.  Listen to the way you talk to yourself...if all you can do is put yourself down because of your imperfections, maybe it's time to realize that those same imperfections are what make you unique.

Above anything else, forgive yourself for feeling like you should be doing it all.  Because you can't.  No one can.  Not really.

And it's okay to admit that.  It's okay to admit that you need help, accountability and friendship along the way.  It's okay to fall off the wagon.  Just make sure you get back up and try it again.  And again.  And again.  Don't beat yourself up over falling.  Beat yourself up for not picking yourself back up again.  Or for giving up.

Anywho....that's all for now.  Just some thoughts as the shampoo thingy is running, the coffee is in my hand, and the pressure canner is slowly winding down. :)

-af

This crazy journey called....BACK TO HEALTH

So I've been doing a lot of research lately on my last week of vacation.  Some of you may be thinking, why is she posting so much stuff?!  And usually all related to cooking, baking, making my own things, etc.

Well, if I haven't shared much of the medical journey recently...

Mainly, that the Doc was seriously concerned about my health.  And that if things were continuing the way they were, I wasn't looking at a very long life at all.  But most concerned for the Doc, as well as Eric and I, was the fact that no one has been able to figure out the mass reactions I have to things...from allergy tests to blood tests, it has seemed that my body is thrown off kilter and literally sick.  From the migraines, to the rapid weight gain (it is documented that within one month, I gained 25 pounds, WITH proper diet and exercise, by the way).  Also, extreme swelling of my limbs, joints, sudden severe and intense back pains. Constant vertigo, dizziness, nausea within 30 minutes of eating.  And the worst of it all...a blood sugar that even the doctors were...well...shocked...especially given the family history of diabetes and other things.  (The Doc pulled a med student or two in because of the unusualness of what was going on.)

With all of that being said, the Doc couldn't figure out why.  And every medication thrown at me, just made me, well, sicker.

So, after a lot of prayer with Eric, and a lot of quiet time, we decided one thing: that we would listen to Him for my eating habits, diet, etc.  And that the research would begin.  The one thing we both knew: neither one of us wanted me to die much earlier than anticipated, which, given the prognosis, would have been within 5 years.  (Imagine our shell-shock when we got this news...)  My amazing husband decided that whatever I cooked and ate, or didn't eat, he would follow.

And he's been true to his word.  And we are seeing the results.  (His pants are getting smaller and smaller each month!  As for me, we have been able to, FINALLY, stop the weight gain.  It's been a bit more stable, though still off by far on what I need to be for a more healthier me.)

It's also why I am so passionate about beginning to grow, and make, my own things.  Because I know what's in them.  After fasting for a period of time from certain foods, and then reintroducing them (sometimes by sheer accident), we finally began to figure out what exactly is triggering the majority of symptoms in my body.  And it all stems on the foods I've been eating.

Which started the research and documentary journey I've been on.  I have another doctor's appointment to be scheduled this coming week...and we have no idea what the doc is going to say...it's another blood lab work, so...I'm hoping that it's going to show a difference, especially since I tossed the medication away over a month ago because it was causing my blood pressure to go up to 170/99.  Yes, you read that right.  All within 2 WEEKS.

So, if you start seeing a lot of research being posted on my FB feed, organic recipes, DIY things, you know why now.  Eric and I are refusing to give up, and are continuing to battle this thing.  I've slowly become passionate about what I've put in my body, and am learning to be just a little more aware of things.

No, Eric and I haven't given up some stuff.  We still have the occasional bout of going out to eat, or my "cravings", but I'm slowly learning that in order to feel good, and to beat what's going on inside my body...it's going to take some pretty drastic measures.

So, let the search for farm fresh produce begin.  And a good juicer... :)

6 Months Progress Report: 4-17-13 to 5-17-13

SIX MONTHS BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Oh my golly!!  I can't believe it's been six months since this journey has started.  Half a year.  Almost to my birthday soon.  Half a year.  And man, has it been a battle!! Been I have made it this far, and for the most part, have kept it off!!  Hall-le-freakin-lujah!!

It's been six months of ups, downs, inside outs, and so much more.  This month has been the hardest of it all, I think.  So much has been going on, both physically, mentally and emotionally.  Needless to say, that means spiritually too.

From work schedule, to school schedule, to more work schedule, and then personal life happens, and so does the crap from it all.  All of that, and still able to lose 4.8 lbs this month.  And that's with inconsistent workouts due to all of the scheduling issues.

Man, is my God good!! :)

NSVs:

1. When I tried on jeans last month from my "new to me" side of the closet, they fit perfectly.  Now, they fit loose. :)

2.  My hips no longer touch the sides of the arc trainer.  AT ALL.  Period.  Nada.  No rub off!!  I've waited 6 long freakin' months to stop having friction burns on my hips! lol

3.  When I go grocery shopping, I now constantly look at the nutrition facts, and base my eating habits of buying stuff from reading labels, figuring out what foods are good for me, etc.  I plan my meals the same way.  That's been a HUGE change from even just a few months ago.  It has become 2nd nature to look at the label, and if it's not good for me, put it back.  I've even stopped buying sweets for the most part (minus the frozen yogurt from healthy choice! haha).  Actually, my sweet tooth has lessened considerably.  I tend to only have dessert if I go out w/ someone, and even then don't eat most of it.  I haven't been eating as much chocolate (except for yesterday....yesterday was a bad day and I needed my cocoa people!), and haven't been craving it as much either. :)  Ah, the changing of the taste buds!

4.  19.25" down since November 17, 2012. :)

5.  I'm lasting about 1.25 miles in my walk/jog intervals.  Last month was maybe a mile.  Maybe.  Usually between .8-.9 miles. :)

6.  My ankles look cute in my running shoes.  Yes, this is important to me. :) lol

7.  My head has shrunk.  Yay! :)  So has the fat around my neck.  Double yay!  Soon, no more double chin!!  Sa-weet!!!

8.  I'm learning to control my emotions through exercise, rather than through food.  This is a HUGE victory for me.  Some days are better than others, of course, but still.  To long for a run and not a burger or a giant candy bar....that is a complete 180 from where I was at.

And now, pictures I can be proud of, the further you go down! lol

Oct/Nov 2012:

Dec 2012:

January 2013:

February 2013:

March 2013:

April 2013:

May 2013:

I'll post a few more from the past month later. :)

And tomorrow, the big Biggest Loser RunWalk Off-Road Challenge.  Mud, running,obstacles.  Dude, I'm excited!!! :)

Until next month!

Oh...and I OFFICIALLY made it to my 20 lb mark, and have kept it off. :)  Now to my 30 lb mark baby!! :)

5 month progress....3-17 to 4-17 2013

Otherwise known as...the discouragement stage.

I know, I know.  Even the trainer says I'm too hard on myself.  But man.  This. month. SUCKED.

So many medical things happening.  Not being able to workout for  3 WEEKS.  Yes.  THREE WEEKS.  That was so hard.

And then trying to get back into it, after so long.  And to top it off, that's when the crazy busyness started at both jobs.  And school.  Did I forget to mention I now have to play catch-up with school work?!  Which means I don't really sleep right now.  Because I'm 3 weeks behind schedule on everything.  Well, make that 2 weeks behind schedule.  Maybe.

And I'm tired.  And some stupid man made a horribly rude comment to me this past weekend, which discouraged me even more.

So, I'm trying to find that place again.  And also trying to find my ankles under all the swelling...

Yeah.  Month 5 has been the roughest month yet.  I lost less than an inch in a month, and I gained 1.8 lbs this month.  So yeah.  I'm not happy.  And all I want to do is quit.  And complain.  And throw things.  And hide in my bed.  And actually sleep...

I want to quit, give up, throw my hands in the air, and just say screw it all!!!!!  I'M DONE WITH THIS CRAP!!

But I'm trying not to.  Trying to take one day at a time.  Heck, more like taking 15 minutes at a time.  No, if I'm truthful to myself, it's having to take one minute at a time.  Because I'm not doing well mentally, spiritually, emotionally and physically.  So, if you're a prayer warrior, prayers are so much appreciated right now.  Even as the tears fall, I know that I'm at the pivotal moment that can change my course.  And I'm trying to stay on course so badly. *sigh*

So, I'll try and look at some of the positives.  Notice the word try.

NSVs:

1. This past week, I ran 0.86 miles on the treadmill.  The farthest I've run on the treadmill!  And that was at a 5.0 pace.  I feel like I'll eventually get to my mile...hopefully by August.  That'd be nice.  But again...swollen ankles due to how much standing on my feet I've done...

2. This morning, I put on a pair of pants that didn't fit me last time I tried them.  Last month, I couldn't fully pull them up past my thighs.  Today, not only were they up all the way, I could get them zipped.  And buttoned.  Though I still have a muffin top in them.  But not enough to stop me from wearing them.  Only because all my other pants were dirty....due to work situations...

3.  I'm slowly finding new recipes that I've been enjoying eating.  As well as introducing more fruits into my eating habits.  YAAAAY.  I still don't like fruit, though...

4.  Though I haven't given up my chocolate, I'm finding that I don't really crave it all that much anymore.  I instead crave matzo w/ peanut butter and honey, or matzo w/ pb alternative....made from cookies...that is addicting...and yummy...and only 86 calories... :)

5.  I haven't given up.  Despite the intense desire to quit, I haven't given up.

6.  I can now wear a Large in shirts from Old Navy.  NOT an XXL.  :)  This.  This made me happy!!!

7.  When I did my run/walk intervals at the park, I went 2.12 miles in 36 minutes.  I've never gone that far before!!  Or that fast, that far! :)

8.  I signed up for the Biggest Loser Obstacle Course Challenge.  And whether anyone else goes w/ me or not, I'm going.  I don't care if it's by myself.  Some days, I kind of hope it is.  Why?  So I can prove to myself just how far I've come.  I need this motivation so badly right now.

9.  I no longer keep sweets in the house.  As a matter of fact, I've stopped buying them, period.  So my chocolate stash stays at work.  And I now log EVERY PIECE OF CHOCOLATE that enters my mouth.

10.  I've stopped shopping in the inner aisles of the grocery store for most of my things.  I now try and stick to the outside aisles unless absolutely necessary.  It's taken me almost a year to get to this point!  AND I stuck to my budget!! :)

With all of that being said, that does make me feel a bit better to see and read all of that.

No pictures this month.  I took them, but I really don't want to post them this time.  They're just sad...so maybe next month.

Peace out.

4 month progress...2-17 to 3-17-13

4 months people!!  I can't believe it's been 4 MONTHS!!!!  OMGollygeewhiz!!  And what a battle those months have been.  But I wouldn't change it or have it any other way.  These have been hard earned, and I will display every battle scar with pride!

I have lost a total of 17.6 lbs.  And as of 3/10/13, a total of 12.75+ inches.  :)

Here's a few pics of the progress:
                                                                            October 2012

                                                                      January 2013

                                                                      February 2013

                                                                      March 2013

It's proof I'm gettin' some AWESOME curves! lol  There are pics for Nov/Dec 2012, but, uh, you don't wanna see 'em.  I promise. :)

And today, today is the day I see how far/how long I can run.  I'm sticking with my half mile, as I still haven't hit a mile on the treadmill yet.  But I am excited to see if my endurance has changed. :)  This is my personal challenge to myself.  To become a runner.  Not because I like it, but because I want to prove to myself that I have the determination, dedication and desire to finish and pursue this journey to a new, healthier me.

And because I wanna have amazing legs like Desirree H. and Debbie G.  Hell, I'd just like thinner legs! lol  Oh hell.  Just gimme smaller thighs and I'll be happy! :)  I don't care about the thigh gap.  I'd just like not so many dimples! lol

NSVs:

1. Running on the treadmill...and looking good while doing it. I meant form, people, FORM!!! haha

2. Running .17 mi dist above where I was at last month. :)  Our (meaning trainer & I) goal is to get me to run 1 mile straight on the treadmill before I try to take it to the park.  And die.  A miserable, slow death.  And continue to work from there.  I enjoy running.  I'm getting to like running.  It's getting easier to run.  No, those are all lies.  I still don't like running.  And it's not getting easier.  It just gets harder.  Because I keep pushing myself.  So, I still don't like it.  But it's becoming therapeutic.  Running has allowed me to empty my mind of all the distractions and focus on one issue at a time.  As I pound the hell out of my fat.  You should totally see my fat jiggle. ;)

3. Doing the Run/Walk...and trying not to get freaked out and saying, SCREW IT ALL!  May is coming oh so close!!

4. Even on my worst weeks, I get up, dig in, and continue this journey.  Doesn't matter how much I work out, or how little.  What matters right now is that I'm choosing to get up, rather than staying down!!

5. Gaining confidence in who I am.  And slowly liking the way my body is now.  THIS...this is HUGE!!  I'm not where I need to be, or where I want to be, but it's lovely to FINALLY look in the mirror, and begin to say to myself, "I'm looking pretty good!", as I notice my brand new curves. :)

6. Clothing. sizes.  OMGollygeewhizz!!  It's so lovely to be able to see and note differences...and have others notice it as well.  More notice, people, more notice!! haha

7.  Spiritual differences.  I'm more focused on my faith, on Him, on how He's transforming my heart, soul, mind and spirit, than I am focused on a specific "program of weight loss". Which I have none.  Here's my program, calories in, calories out.  Eat healthy, in moderation and MOVE!!

A Note to Myself...3-3-13

Um, holy crud Fatwoman!!  It's becoming a reality.  You. are. losing. weight.

You don't know how.  Especially on week's when you don't work out, your eating has been crappy, and you feel like you put on all the weight you lost...  But it's happening.

So much, that you still step on the scale another 3 4 5 times just to verify that the number you saw was correct.  And you've been doing this for the past almost month.  So much so that you keep dancing for joy in the restroom every time you see your scale, rather than run and hide from it.

You're changing, Fatwoman!!  You no longer see the number on the scale as a disappointment, even when it may go up. You see it as a personal challenge to kick the scale in the ass, and shove it up lost fat's sun-no-shine area.

Matter of fact, Fatwoman, you're kicking ass.  You're own.  And I for one cannot be more proud of the changes that I've seen in you.  From letting more people in to your life, to being more open and honest on this journey.

You're no longer ashamed of who you are, but you are becoming proud of who He's creating you to be.  You can look in your kiddos eyes and see just how much they are proud of you, as you continue on this journey.  And this is where some of your strength comes in...showing them how to pursue a healthy life, so they in turn can live it to its fullest.

Fatwoman, you are slowly having to change your name to something else...like KickAssWoman, or SkinnyMini or....I don't know yet, but I promise I'll come up with something good.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm proud of how much you've accomplished, how far you've gone, and the willingness to continue this journey AND NOT GIVE UP.

You're doing it, woman!  And you're going strong, after 4 months, and continue on the lifestyle changes, EVEN WHEN YOU MESS UP.  What a difference this season is seeing.

And all I can say is,

Welcome back, fighter.
Welcome back, victor.
It's lovely to see you again.
You're slowly being healed from the inside out.
You're looking your abusers in the face in your mind's eye and telling them they no longer have power over you.
You're no longer walking in fear, but are slowly turning that fear into the faith to walk into the unseen realms He has for you, in EVERY area of your life.
You're no longer allowing your body to dictate who you are.  You're allowing Him, and your heart, to dictate who you will be.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm so, so, so proud of you.

And finally, I can say, what an honor it is to have you as part of my life.

Love,

Yourself :)

3 Month Progress: 1-17-13 to 2-17-13

3 MONTHS BABY!!!!  Dude & dudettes, I still can't quite believe I've made it to 3 months (okay, technically I'm shy of it by 2 days, but I'm gonna be busy this weekend, so needed to get this outta the way!).  Not only that, but this past month has seen some of my biggest & greatest victories so far.

Oh, lemme list 'em for ya!  I LOVE lists.  They make me happy.  And organized.  And happy!

1. Ran 1/2 a mile in 7 min and some-odd seconds.

2. Ran laps around the school gym...for fun...during recess.  Yes, for fun.  Who the hell am I?!? lol  This fat girl is learning to like to...jog.  I'm not ready for the "r" word yet. :)

3. Hit my TEN POUNDS LOST goal @ 268.8. :)

4. Started Interval training on all cardio machines (except treadmill), and am FINALLY on Level 2 on Arc Trainer (AT) and Cross Trainer (CT).

5.  My weight routine is getting so much better!!

8. Ab Coaster: went from no weights added, to 20 lbs added, to now 25 lbs added.

9. Back Extension (NOT the machine): went from using body weight, to now adding a 10 lb weight. :)

10. Ab X: went from doing 45 crunches/sit-ups/whatever you call 'em to 70...and adding extra just for fun. :)

11.  On the Assisted Dip, went from 20 Assisted Pounds, to 18 Assisted Pounds. :)

12. Went from an XL/XXL to a L/XL, depending on the shirt.  And, on some occasions, a M. :)

13.  Started pants size 24 to now a size 20, comfortably. :)

14. My belt used to be notched at the 11th hole, sometimes the 12th....now at 15-16. :)

15.  Down 5.4375 inches since 11-17-12.  (It would've been more, but I only measured waist, hips, thigh and arms then.  My bad...)

16.  From the previous month, down a total of 3.1875 inches (measuring neck, arm, chest, forearm, wrist, waist, hips, thigh, knee, calf, ankle).

17.  The biggest one of all: I THREW AWAY CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, you read me right, my friends.  Me, the chocoholic....I threw away almost all of the chocolate that was given to me.  :)  Or I gave it away to skinny people. :)

As of today, I am now weighing in at 266.6, which is a 12.2 pound weight loss so far.  I WILL TAKE IT!! :)

Now, for the battles:

1. Struggling w/ emotional eating, and losing.

2.  Fighting the desire to quit...daily...but this is also a MAJOR victory.  Because I'm fighting it, rather than giving in!!

3.  Fighting the voices in my mind that bring on fear.

And since I haven't taken recent pictures of me, you all will have to suffer with these:

January 17, 2013.  My size 22 wk pants on me

February 15, 2013.  My size 22 wk pants on me

And my waist is slowly turning into an hour-glass figure. :)

Jan 2013

Feb 2013

And lastly, the ULTIMATE in knowing you are on the right track to lookin' hot on the southside: when all the cholos go, "DAMN!!  You can lift that much?!"

Yeah, this fat girl can lift that much.  Get over it.  I'm eventually gonna lift more than you one day.  Now pick up your baggy a** pants! :)

See you all in one month! :)

P.S.  If anyone wants to do a 5K race w/ me in April, lemme know, and I'll send you over the info!!  $15/person until March 28th!!! :)

2 month progress: 12-17 to 1-17

If someone would have told me when I first started this, that I'd actually still be sticking w/ it 2 months later, I would've smiled politely and in my head thought, "you don't know me very well".  Usually a few weeks into something this massive, I have the tendency to throw my hands in the air and give up.  Which almost happened earlier this month.

Recent picture of me as of 1/13/13:

What I looked like before I started, October 2012:

Needless to say, I don't miss how heavy I was.  I don't miss feeling like crap.  I can finally see that I have a waist, and I don't mind wearing button-down shirts (I used to not wear them because I was too self-conscious about the way I looked in them, especially as I gained weight back).  I can even see my arms/wrists are a tad smaller (which measurements have proved!).

This month was a rough month for me.  It saw some great highs, and some serious lows.  Went out of town, and didn't gain any weight...as a matter of fact, proved to myself that I didn't need the gym to find a good workout, also watched what I ate much more carefully.  Then it saw the holiday seasons, which are always rough for me.  BUT I only gained a pound during that time. (that in itself is a huge praise!)

And then January hit, and the depression started coming back up.  And it didn't help that my TOM was late. So, here I was, a miserable sobbing mess, isolating myself, hiding out in my room, and just saying to myself, I give up.  The scale hasn't moved, I've gained weight back, measurements are out of whack.  SCREW IT ALL.

BUT, I didn't give up.  I finally went to my roommate and broke down, and she prayed over me and my body.  I also prayed over my hormones and emotions, and have been slowly re-reading the Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer (because that's where the biggest battle is for me in all of this).  I've chosen to not give up.  Especially as the day that I finally went back to the gym after a few days hiatus, and I met a woman who lost 150 pounds, w/ no products, diet plans, etc.  Just watching what she ate and exercising.  Which is how I want to do it.

I've come to the realization that my nature to be addicted to certain "things" does not make in conducive to allowing me to take products, supplements, etc. to help along this journey.  I'd just abuse them, and my body.  So, I'm choosing to do this in what most people call the hard way, but the way that I know will give HIM all the glory, and not products, diets, etc. (not that some of those are bad or wrong, but they're not right for me)

This round, I won the mental battle by getting back up again.  It took me awhile, but I did it.  I got back up, got back on that damn cross trainer, and beat my time. :)  AND it just so happened that on that exact same day, my TOM started as my body began to realign itself to where it needs to be.

All that to say, the progress is slow.  The scale can be discouraging, especially as I saw the numbers jump up, but then I see my measurements go down.  I don't understand it, but hey.  I'm learning to listen to my body, figure out what's best and right for me, as well as listen to the Holy Spirit tell me which direction I should go in this.

So, month 3 starts w/ less calories to eat, more determination, and a willingness to listen to where I'm supposed to be and go.  I've been asking Him to give me a picture of what He wants me to look like after this, and what I'd like to look like, and mesh the two visions together. Probably because the vision of myself is skewed.  I've decided that I'll be doing BOTM as my devotions for this month, to help realign and refocus where I need to be and where I want to go.

This next month (month 3) will also see a new session w/ my trainer. :)  And some new victories that I can't wait to share at my 3 month progress report! :)

1 month progress...11-17 to 12-17

Well, one month is down on this journey.  With many more months to go.  Down 6 lbs, 3.25 inches overall.  As a matter of fact, it may soon be time to go jeans shopping:

Needless to say, I'm quite ecstatic.  And very blessed.  It's the small moments like these that help motivate me.  That, and comments like, "You look smaller!" versus, "oh wow!  you look like you're losing weight." (which I hate hearing the latter one...messes w/ my brain right now)

<--at my largest @ 278.8


--> now @ 272.2










Not only that, but I notice it when I look at myself in the mirror, when I look down and see my wrists are slightly smaller.  When I take 2 week measurements and see that I've lost inches in areas.  When I look at my biceps and watch my arms growing in muscles, see my legs looking leaner as I do those damn toe touch crunches or Ab X machine.

It's progress.  And I'm quietly ecstatic about it...unless I know you well...then I just blurt and laugh and dance about it...'cause dancing burns calories.

I'm also ecstatic that I've stuck with the food journal, exercise logging, and with myfitnesspal in general (MFP).

This season, I've been hearing the words: 1. Adventure 2. Risk 3. Faith 4. Change (not necessarily in that order).

Adventure...I've been going on more of those the past month than I have the past 7 years.  They don't have to be major adventures, but I'm walking in more freedom now, more joy, more...more of being me and who He's made me to be, and being okay with that. :)  All in preparation for a bigger adventure coming soon!

Risk...how that word makes me shudder sometimes.  Risk walking in what He's called me to do, and risk that I may hear Him wrong sometimes.  But He's been asking me lately if I'm willing to take that risk, dive in, and live a life of...

FAITH...major changes are happening in my life right now, and another big one coming up in 2013.  As I'm walking on this journey, I'm having to rely so much more on my faith in Him, and NOT on my understanding of how things are going to come to pass.  I'm having to solely rely on Him for every detail, every need and every provision.  And I'm seeing the fruit of that walk bloom before my eyes.  I'm seeing Him rip away the things of the enemy to replace those things with His goodness and grace.  And I'm thankful for the corrections being made, even when I wince or argue because I don't like them.

And lastly...

Change...ahhhh, that dreaded word that I hate so much.  But these past 12 years have been preparing me for this season to come.  Which makes sense.  Because this week's workout card has this phrase on it:

You can choose to give up, or you can choose to fight.  Are you a victim or a fighter?  I heard you were a fighter.  So where's your fight?

That's what I heard when I prayed about what to put on my workout card for the week.  Which one am I?  Will I choose to fight for the desires of my heart, to fight for health, for healing, for victory, for freedom?  Or will I choose to remain a victim, a wallflower, a dirty carpet constantly being walked on?  What am I going to choose?

I can tell you now...

I choose to fight.  To pick up my weapons of warfare and praise, to put on my armor, and get up and fight.  I choose to not allow myself to give in, give up and walk away from the battle.  I've done that before, and I don't want to do it again.

So even when I feel unmotivated, I'll take a day/a break/a pity party, but then I'll get right back up, knowing that it's my life, my freedom and my dreams that I'm fighting for, and I say,
DEVIL YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!

And that's my one month progress. :)

Try, try, try...12-2-12

"You gotta get up and try try try"

This one phrase in the song has been resonating in me since I first heard it.  It seems that every time I want to give up and quit, this song pops on! haha  If nothing else, I love the encouragement of that phrase.

It's been 2 weeks now...(from 11-17-12, Day 1 on MFP)
4 lbs down
-3.12 inches off overall

And I've been fighting this bitter battle.  Constantly going, "okay, just get up, move, keep going, don't quit, don't stop."  I even had to text the bestie to force myself to get out of the car at the parking lot of the gym, to get up and actually go into the gym.  It's a bitter battle, but I'm determined to be the victor in this one.

I'm tired of feeling icky, feeling like "the dreaded fat girl", and having to battle so much of my image issues because of things I've allowed.

Well, here's to the good fight of faith!

Keep moving.
Keep working.
Hard work.
Determination.
Refusal to quit.
Even when I'm tired.
When I'm down.
When I can't see the goal in sight.

I gotta get up and try, try, try.

To the victor go the spoils...the spoils being no more fat, a healthy me, and a me I can't wait to sure the world. :)

Update on the past month or so....

Okay, right off the bat I've gotta say...IT'S BEEN INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOOO much has happened...such craziness has been going on.  From stress to dancing to supernatural stuff to, well, God moments.  Some things I can expound and share on, others I'm not able to due to circumstances and situations currently.  So I'll see how much I can get done here. :)

Well, when I moved, I don't think I completely understand the reason for the move.  Meaning I had no idea just the kind of things God was about to take me through, all of them good and exciting and amazing.  I had NO CLUE the doors of opportunity or blessings that were getting ready to begin to pour out.  And for those of you who haven't seen me or heard from me, in, like, forever and a day...don't feel bad.  I haven't really been talking much to anyone really.  That's been intentional.  No, I haven't isolated myself.  It's been more of a, "oh dear Jesus there's so much going on that all I can do is remain focused on You so I don't waiver to the left or the right FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS".  Moving in to a new home that is centered, its very heartbeat, is hospitality and the movement and ministry of the presence of God...well, that's been rockin' my boat in good ways! lol  I've been learning SO MUCH, and yet there's so much that I haven't been able to put into words yet.  Just...an overwhelming flood of emotions just begin to pour out most of the time.

Anywho...moving in here has been amazing.  God-encountering.

Making Spirit and Life my home has been...LIFE CHANGING.  Every time I go...well, more words have been poured over me in the past month than the total received in the PAST YEAR.  Yeah, that's right.  You read that right.  You really did.  I have NOTEBOOKS on the words given to me.  Some that I've kept SUPER close to my heart and inside the prayer closet.  And others that I have been able to share glimpses of.

Now fast-forward to about a month-3 weeks ago.  A dear friend of mine asked if I would consider ministering at a youth conference w/ my testimony and allowing the presence and power of God to just flow during the time given.  Well, I can tell you honestly...I was in awe.  And shocked.  But mostly in awe.  Ask my roommate.  I went to her at 3am or so, and was like, "oh. my. golly.  oh my golly.  oh my golly."  I think it was over and over again! lol  You see...several words have been given to me throughout the years regarding something like this.  But in my heart, I kinda told God, "Me?!  Really?!?  Me???  The girl who liked being the wallpaper and NOT the center of attention?  The one who doesn't like to publicly speak in front of people?  And You're telling me that I have this calling on my life, to, well, SPEAK?  ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!"  Pretty much sums up my conversation the first few minutes after I read the invitation sent to me.  And I can tell you that now, I no longer think that way.  It's more like, "JESUS YOU'RE GONNA BE SO AWESOME THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  And doing my giant happy dance that I haven't really been able to stop doing since last night. :)

Now fast forward again to about the beginning of April...and HUGE attack began to happen in my life.  I literally came home one night just...in tears...crying, "Lord, I don't understand.  What's going on?  Why is this happening?"  And it's not something I'll be able to expound on, so if you're reading this, you more than likely won't understand what I'm talking about.  Just be okay w/ that ahead of time.  Basically, it's been a month of walking out the door and immediately battling the whole way to work, at work, during work, and driving back home from work.  And even now, the battle isn't over.  Right now I'm praying for wisdom and discernment, as well as a hedge of protection over my staff and I.  The battle has been intense, and the fight isn't over...but I KNOW that truth will prevail in this season. :)

Now fast forward again to 2 weeks ago...where I had a date w/ a man.  We talked for 4 1/2 hours.  Yes, that's right.  I TALKED W/ A STRANGER FOR 4 1/2 HOURS STRAIGHT.  If you know me, you know what a HUGE breakthrough that was.  And the cool thing was...no fear there.  Just a whole heckuva lot of nerves.  You can ask MC.  I was texting her the whole time I was waiting for him to show up! lol  From there began a friendship....from talking about God things, to character issues, to home life, to testimonies, to, well....more things than I even think I knew I had words for inside me...we delved through some seriously big things.  And during that time I ate humble pie several times! lol  But it was all good.  But anywho...meeting a man who liked me for me.  And who saw the presence of God in me...and told me flat out that there was something different in me.  I about balled when I came and told me roommate the details of all of this.  All that to say...it's been a good friendship overall.  I'm learning some things about myself.  I'm also learning how to be myself, and that it's okay to be who He has made me to be.  And that that won't scare away people if I really am who I am, no games and no facade.  The really cool thing is...I got my answer to the prayer I've been seeking/praying for the past 2 weeks.  And it was a very clear answer.  (No worries MC.  I know I still owe you a text and an explanation from this morning! lol)  And I am THRILLED with the answer AND the season He has me in! :)  So that part of my life has just been plain FUN! :)

Lastly...the past 2 days.  If you've been keeping up w/ my facebook statuses, you know some seriously awesome and intense God moments have been happening.  Let me backtrack to last night at dinner after church.  (Can I just say how much I LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEE my church home?!?!?!)  Well, last night at church God was moving and flowing and working.  I know I had some serious boldness on my mouth! lol  Anywho, went to dinner w/ a family, and some new friends. (YAY NEW FRIENDS!)  After we ate, one of the guys has this waitress come over, and he (TJ, the guy) begins to tell us how he had given her a word that he saw light being reflected off of her.  Which the waitress had confirmed that word and the meaning of it to him right before he asked us to gather 'round and pray over her.  So, we gathered round and did what Jesus freaks (my term in this situation, NOT a dig or a bad thing...I think it's freaking AWESOME! lol...or to steal someone else's phraseology...a Holy Spirit lush :) ) do best...we prayed.  And God began to move.  Prophetic words began to flow over this woman named Carmen.  And as the tears came down, God moved even more.  Come to find out, everything was right on.  Not only was it right on, after checking to see if she had received Christ as her Lord and Savior, we then began to ask her if she wanted to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  Well, she said yes.  Then had the opportunity to pray for her to receive her prayer language.  Which happened quite suddenly. :)  Of course! lol  (that suddenly seems to be happening a lot lately in my life)  Not to mention, even before that occurrence, one of the ladies at our table at a prophetic word for our waiter, Angel.  Which HE then confirmed that that word was right on.  So, basically, ALMOST ALL OF LAST NIGHT was one Holy Spirit bomb after another.  Lots of cool awesomeness happening! hehe

Now fast forward to today...where NC and I were invited to come hang out at said family's home for an impromptu gathering and fellowship.  We'd been there since 10:30 this morning.  And dear Lord I LOVE THAT FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!  Their littlest one has captured my heart. :)  Me and Jacob are like 2 peas in a pod baby! lol  Actually, I just LOVE their family period! :)  Anywho...we had a worship jam session in the living room.  Oh wait!  Lemme backtrack a bit!  We had a barbeque today at their place.  TJ (remember the guy from the restaurant that was w/ us) was there...and came back in w/ a new person who he had met "randomly" on the street and invited him in to eat and fellowship w/ us.  (Did I mention how much I LOVE hanging around these presence-driven Jesus people?! lol)  He came in, we all chatted and talked and fellowshipped and laughed.  Then came the worship session.  Where I was called out and asked, "I know you have something!" lol  Always makes me nervous being called out like that!  No matter how many times it happens, ALWAYS makes me nervous! :/  Good thing this is training ground! haha  Anywhoo....began to give the Word that He had given me an hour before that...drawing/visuals included, when I was kinda stopped, and someone was brought in who needed to hear that word.  And then He began to move.  And deliverance began to take place in that person.  And had the amazing privilege to see Him move and shake and work.  And then miracles began to happen.  And then the Spirit began to just flow and shake and...well, WOWZERS it was COOL! :)

The great thing is...I know this is JUST THE BEGINNING!  OMG I can't believe I forgot ONE OF THE COOLEST PARTS!!!!!!!!!!

As TJ and several others were praying...gold dust began to appear on a face.  Yes, you read that right.  GOLD DUST!  You could literally see gold dust reflected off of the face.  You could feel His presence begin to just MOVE.  And then we noticed the aroma of the garden of heaven just outside the door of the home we were at.  BEAUTIFUL!  And then more deliverance and healings began to take place.  Words being spoken.  Spirit of adoption beginning to take hold and root in people's lives.  Several of us being called out to, well, pray healing and other things. :) hehe  The cool thing is...gold dust began to appear on my little buddy.  Started w/ a single fleck on his hand (mind you...the one he was praying w/).  Then another appeared.  Then I noticed another on his cheek as we were laughing in the kitchen afterwards.  Gold dust on one of the women there.

The even greater thing....is that this is the norm for a believer. :)  This realm of the supernatural is becoming my normal now.  The things I have been praying for, waiting for...are coming in in those "AND SUDDENLY" moments.

And all I can say is...I'm SOOOOO looking forward to Friday!  I don't know what He'll be doing, but it is gonna be BIG!

And I keep thinking....Lord, all in preparation for the speaking time at the youth conference, but also for preparation and training for what is to come!

Hallelujah!

hehe

With all of that being said....I know it's a lot to catch up on.  A lot to read.  And some of you may think I've gone off my rocker.  And quite honestly, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really care whether people think I'm off my rocker or not.  You cannot persuade me otherwise that my God does not move.  Because He does.  And He can move in whatever way pleases Him.  The only thing He needs is an open vessel.

So, are you really open?  Or are you just all comfy in your positions, going, "that isn't real"?  Are you really open to ALL He has, or are you so biased and set against His Spirit that when He tries to come, you immediately shut it down?
Time for a heart check, people!

See....Jesus freak...and lovin' it.  This is my passion and desire...the one thing that matters most to me in the world above all else...His presence. :)

!!! & YAAAAY & UGH! all in one! :)

First off I've gotta say, if you've been reading up on these, thanks everyone! :)  And if not, no worries.  I still love you. :)  I just may withhold my yummy oh-so-delicious chocolate chip cookies from you!  (Which, MG, I haven't forgotten that I owe you a batch!)

With all of that being said...

Today's title...kinda makes me sound a little off, right? haha  I think probably because that's what is going inside my head right now.  Lots of excitement, lots of dancing around, and then throw in some groans or 6 and you've got me all figured out this season!  I should probably just start listing, explaining, and going from there! :)

1. Contending for the word: healthy life & supernatural weight loss.  This right here has got to be the number one biggest battle in my life right now.  Not the addiction, not the past...but this right here.  Yes, I know it's tied to the past.  And tied to the thoughts in my head.  But it's been a constant battle to get up and believe this word.  Partly because it seems so easy to just give in and not do it...not workout, not eat healthy, not live a healthy life.  And honestly, some days I throw up my hands, say screw it all, and eat a 3 mini-scoops of vanilla ice cream w/ nutella, sugar waffle cones and M&Ms.  (Yes, that's what I did tonight.)  So many people tend to think it's easy, that all this enthusiasm comes naturally (did you hear me snort in laughter just now?!).  They couldn't be more wrong.  Though I'm learning how to enjoy it, it's still a battle.  A battle inside my head going, You know what happens when men think you're beautiful.  What if the abuse happens again?  What if you get noticed? What if all men see is the "skinny" you and that's all you attract?  What if...what if...what if...  I HATE HATE that game inside my head.  And every second is a battle to not give in to those lies.  To take every thought captive to the obedience and knowledge of Christ.  Because that's not what my Daddy Father says.  But a part of me is seriously freaked out on what, exactly, would happen WHEN I lose this weight...I've never been "skinny". EVER. EEEVVVEEEERRRR.  For as long as I can remember, I've always worn plus-size clothing.  And now, I'm slowly seeing the light where I can very soon stop shopping at Lane Bryant because all their clothes are too big...and inside my head, though I seem to present a nice, calm, happy exterior...inside my head I am slowly wigging out.  I am slowly, step by step, battling.  Battling for my life, my health...for the vision and the words spoken over me concerning health, wholeness and healing.  And I know so many people have so much input and ideas and yada yada yada...the one thing that I KNOW to do ...is listen to my Daddy on what HE wants me to do.  And to Debbie! lol  (can't forget Ms. Debbie!)  Some may be offended by this, see this as arrogant.  Not really.  I just need to listen to His voice...because when I hear His voice, that's when peace reigns inside my heart and my head.  I don't hear the lies when I hear His voice.  All I hear is the words, "Keep going, beautiful beloved!  You've got this!  Come on!  I'm giving you MY strength.  Here, take MY joy!  Shout it out...let out all the tears, frustrations and anger that got you here in the first place."  And, at points in time during my workouts recently, I've just done the workout, the exercise, weeping, in tears, screaming at myself to keep going, don't quit, don't stop.  Learning how to OVERCOME the lies of the enemy with the truth that I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH!  Is it easy?  No.  Not by any means.  And I still quake at the thought of what might happen when I hit where I want to be weight (number) wise.  (I couldn't do clothes size as I don't remember being smaller than an 18...yeah, I said that via cyber space.)  But I know that I have some amazing cheerleaders who love me, been with me through the lies, through the deliverance, and through the journey.  So, I'd like to give a shout out to a few people right here and now...and if I forgot you, I'm sorry...it's late! lol  Just hit me up and I'll add ya!

Shout out goes to: Mari--through the phone calls and texts, always pushing me to keep going, never quit, and listening as I sob on the phone.  Rose D--for making me want to be a bit more competitive...not intentionally...but because I know you're, like, super buff and I wanna be like you! :)  Rose B--for listening, for the hugs, and for the info on how to keep my body healthy naturally.  Without you, my life would be sad.  And I'd never have 4 amazing little boys to hug, cuddle and watch TV with if it wasn't for you and Nick!  Debbie G--oh, this woman!  oh oh this woman!  Kicks my butt, and then has me coming back for me I get so excited! lol  Who encourages me, and then tells me I can't go half-way in things...like moving isn't working out! lol  But who loves me enough in Christ that every time I see her I just want to hug her and thank her...because I know she doesn't realize just how much this means to me. Joe & Desiree H--who added me to their FB group, and got me to begin to challenge myself...but who also put me with the right connections to get onto this path of healthy living.  Ruby P & the ladies from Thursday morning glory group--you all have NO IDEA how much I love you all!  Every time I see you all I just wanna give hugs!! haha  Your encouragement, wisdom and prayers have gotten me through some tough and dark times this season, and for that, I thank you.  You all get to see the end results as He takes me through this journey.  And thanks for letting me share what He's been doing in me!
And for the others who have prayed, given words, or just plain blessed me--thank you thank you thank you!  You have no idea the encouragement you've given to me...even when I don't always want to hear it! lol

2. Freedom to be who I am in Him.  Oh, how this has been a very important key this season!  Learning whose I am, but also WHO I am...without excuses! :)  Learning to be comfortable in my own skin, yet changing where He's called me to change.  In essence, finally getting my identity from logos (head knowledge) to rhema (heart knowledge) and understanding just exactly what that means.  And not accepting anything less than that!  Also learning to accept myself...flaws and all.  And be content with who He has made me to be...and FINALLY believing all those things He says about me.  Even on bad days, days where it's stressful, or I want to rage at the world...I've seen a difference in my stance of identity...I no longer claim the bad stuff, but instead speak the Word over myself, and my situation.  Which leads to...

3. Growing Up.  It's taking many, many years for this to finally come to pass.  But I'm realizing that I'm beginning to bloom as a woman of God.  And am SO STINKIN' EXCITED about this!  After the many words about this, finally understanding what He meant when He said those things...just...wow.  I'm growing up.  I wish I could explain more about that, but honestly, I wouldn't know where to begin.  Which is probably why a friend and I had a 3 hour conversation! hahahahaha  Trying to share everything with him was way more difficult than I expected...because there was so much to share!  But I thank him for listening to me anyways! :)  And feeding me yummy food. :)

4. Moving.  Oh my gosh the trials that went with this.  Exhaustion, forgetting to pack half my crap due to exhaustion, frustration w/ myself, frustration w/ myself, more frustration w/ myself. lol  Not many people know where I moved to...I'd like to keep it that way.  I'm okay w/ this, actually.  I honestly like being off the grid for a season.  This has allowed me to get my ducks in a row personally.  From finances, to prayers, to learning how to live life...I've needed this for awhile.  And I have moved in with a wonderful lady who is willing to help me learn how to organize, keep house, and help me maintain a nice, cleanly environment.  More like, she's willing to take my hand and show me those steps!  Thanks, Ms. Patti! :)  You are an answer to a prayer I never knew I had prayed until recently.  This move...it's been...interesting.  I've purged over half of my things.  I took MG's car loaded up to the brim, then my car loaded up front seat, back seat AND trunk.  And I'm more than likely going to take another load when I begin to unpack.  Goodwill has gotten so much from me I think I single-handedly supplied their store for a week! lol  Including furniture!  But honestly, this has been a season of purging.  Out with the old woman, in with the new mind-skin.  The new me.  The me that is free, whole, healed and delivered.  The me that I always knew was inside, but I was so stinkin' scared to let out.  And honestly,  I love who He's making me to be.  I'm great! lol

And with all of that being said...I wish we could sit down face to face and I could tell you just exactly what's been on my heart lately.  But that would take way longer than this blog to do!  So, I'll leave you with a song that has been playing on the radio recently, and when I first heard it, I was like, YES! :)

Girls Night In--A DIY Night Courtesy of Pinterest & Research! :)

Okay...so tonight I decided to treat myself to a mini-spa night while on vacation house-sitting! hahaha  It all started w/ Pinterest ideas...and then blossomed into researching other ideas/recipes for this...and then I just plain wanted dessert and a try at the jacuzzi bathtub. :)

So, here are the recipes!  Enjoy...relax...if you'd like, pour yourself a tiny glass of wine to go w/ your dessert.  And if you don't drink, make non-alcoholic ones (which is what I did!). :)

Recipe #1: Espresso Yourself Face Mask
courtesy of: http://www.herbcompanion.com/heal/body-care/facial-mask-recipe-zmrz12fmzwar.aspx

1/4 cup finely ground coffee, preferably espresso roast (okay, I cheated...I used k-cups 'cause that's all the coffee I found around the house...and they had them in bulk...I used 2)
1/4 cup cocoa powder (I used the dark chocolate variety, 'cause, well, I LOOOOOVE dark chocolate)
1/2 cup whole milk (I used 1% as that was what was in the fridge)

Combine and mix thoroughly to make a paste.  To use: put on face and neck, avoiding mouth/eyes area.  Leave on for 15 minutes then wash off w/ warm water.

Review: This wasn't too bad.  It was a bit runny for my taste...which made for an interesting time trying to get it on my face.  But overall, it worked.  Even w/ the modifications. :)  My face feels super soft and silky...a VERY different texture than I'm used to from other masks that I've tried (mainly an avocado/oatmeal mask, and a tomato/oatmeal/lemon juice mask).  When I make this again, I'm definitely going to try using LESS milk to make more of a paste, which is what it's supposed to be. :)

Recipe #2: Olive Oil Hair Treatment
courtesy of: http://www.collegefashion.net/beauty-and-hair/dorm-room-spa-3-easy-diy-beauty-recipes-to-try/

2 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil

Rub EVOO into hair, massaging it into scalp and ends.  Take a warm, damp towel and wrap around head and hair.  Leave on for 30-45 minutes.  Rinse with shampoo.  May take several washings (it took me 2).

Review: My hair enjoyed this.  If you have naturally oily hair, DON'T USE IT!  It'll just make it worse.  BUT, it did make my hair nice and soft, very silky.  It did make it a bit heavier (which is probably why it helps w/ frizz).  I left it on for 20 minutes rather than the full time.  Overall, I liked this one.  The debate is still out, though, until tomorrow! :)

Recipe #3: Brown Sugar Body Scrub
courtesy of: http://www.collegefashion.net/beauty-and-hair/dorm-room-spa-3-easy-diy-beauty-recipes-to-try/

1 1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/4 tsp vanilla extract

Combine all ingredients.  And it's ready to use! :)

Review:  I TOTALLY loved this recipe!!!  I will be making it and leaving it in a container.  It's even BETTER than the one I have from Bath Junkie (sorry bath junkie...even though I'm a devoted fan, this one is cheaper and so much more nicer!).  Instead of EVOO I used coconut oil (look up the 80 uses of coconut oil via google or pinterest).  Which meant that I DIDN'T put in the vanilla, as the coconut smell was strong enough for me! :)  I did add a dash of coffee grounds (left over from the k-cups and recipe #1) and a dash of cinnamon--I don't recommend the cinnamon portion! lol  But I wanted to be adventurous tonight! :)  Overall, my skin feels AMAZING!  My alligator skin on the legs is on the mend (thanks coconut oil!) and I just plain love the feel of nice satin on my skin. :)  This one for sure is a keeper...with a possibility of it being given as gifts! :)  You can also put in essential oils, vitamin E (break open the capsules) for additional smells and skin benefits.

For dessert, I had cream puffs.  No, they weren't homemade.  They were in the freezer here at the house, and rather than create a dessert, I just thawed those babies out while I created the recipes, ran the bath, and got everything ready for my spa night in! :)

What a GREAT way to celebrate goals achieved and victories won! :)

It's time to step in!

The water's high and rising even more.  The past 2 days have been...woooooooow.  Between packing, moving and Jesus, it's been a whirlwind week! :)

"Raise up an army of laid down lovers"

I think to try to explain everything that's been going on would take a REALLY long time.  So, I'll try to be brief (as I'm taking a break of sorts) then come back to it later again today.

I got wasted in the Holy Spirit.  And it was like....whoa!  Way better than chocolate wasted, by the way! :)  AND dancing too! Whoaaaaa! hahahahahahaha

Some healing/restoration needed to happen.  Some more freedom needed to rain down.  And I needed to understand just who I am.  It's almost like this past 2 1/2 months have been this constant feeding of right mindsets, right thinking, casting out the old, renewing the mind, transforming...ever-changing.  After the 2 years of getting rid of junk, it's been a season of replacement...old patterns, old mindsets, old habits, old goals and desires.  Now, it's been time to take a step out into faith and begin to grow-up in who He has made me to be.  And WHAT a journey of discovery (ha!  I sorta had a rhythm going in my head there for a moment! haha).

My heart's just growing bigger.  More in love with Daddy God than ever before.  And dancing with my King.

And not apologizing for who He's made me to be.  And looking to Him for my approval and acceptance. :)

Well, folks, it seems I'm right where He wants me to be this new season of my life.  And I'm so looking forward to exploring this new place! :)

The force of joy

You know those times, when all you can do is laugh & jump & dance...when you're so joyful everything else bubbles up from that...yup. The force of joy! :)
Was driving to work after Bible Study this morning (which was really good by the way!). & just had this bubbling in my belly (spirit). All I wanted to do was dance & shout & clap & scream out my love for my Maker, my Husband, my God. & Just rejoice in all He is doing in this season. HE'S DOING SO MUCH!!!! :)
& through it all...learning how to worship & learn this amazing God I serve. & realizing, as well, just how joyful I've become. Just how MORE joyful He has made me, is making me to be.
Even in the areas where He calls me to be bold & step out in faith...the fear is gone. Just His absolute love.
What a great place to be...His arms. :) Bababababa I'm lovin' it. Hehe

And tonight, had a privilege of working with a ministry in the area of hospitality.  And meeting new people.  I had a ton of fun! :)  And I can't wait to do it all over again...as exhausted as I am right now! lol  I can tell this is where my heartbeat is.  Which always makes it fun for me! :)

Anwho...today was a great reflection on joy.  Before, I would've run around the room and kitchen like a chicken w/ no head.  And no brain.  And all stress.  Tonight, I tried to roll with the punches (hopefully it worked! lol), took everything in stride, relinquished control and just plain had fun.  Even to the point of dancing in my head.  I think at one point I did burst out into a mini song.  Or maybe that was in my head.

Anywho!  I loved it.  Every minute of it.  From prepping, to popcorn making, to sitting at the table eating (it took me awhile, but sit I did! haha).

And one thing that God showed me tonight...was how much more fun life is when joy is in the midst.  And not just fun...but how much that force of joy has to bring about the presence of God into a room and place.  And how drawn in/attracted people are when we walk in that supernatural joy.

All that to say...I'm praising my way through today! :)

And a whole 'nother thing...not quite on topic, but still learning.  Planted zinnias, like, 2-3 weeks ago, and have been impatiently waiting for them to grow.  But those seeds have been lying dormant for what seems like FOREVER!!!!  Until about 3 days ago, when all of a sudden, POP comes the first shoot, and it was HUGE compared to other seedlings I've grown.  And God spoke to me while I was impatiently waiting for my zinnias to begin to take and grow.  That I'm like these zinnias....I've been planted, and tilled, and watered, and prodded and poked and more watered, and sunshined out...and it's only been til now, til such a time as this, as He's beginning to cause me to blossom and bloom and shoot out of the soil into something beautiful.  Which goes w/ the word given to me on Monday (one that I didn't share on here).

What a cool confirmation of the word brought forth! haha

Now, good night my peeps! :)  Finally headed off to bed after a much busy yet really fun day!!! :)

Losing it...and Loving it! :)

It's been a really long time since I've sat and wrote on this thing...almost a month to be exact.  And I can say...it's definitely been a journey.

Some days have been better than others.  Some days have been longer.  And yes, lots of tears and sweat and occasional pricks of blood drops due to paper cuts have been shed. (hehehe)

But today, I really just wanted to share what was on my heart at the moment.

Today was my weigh-in.  Dropped 2.2 lbs this week.  I was SOOOOOOOOO excited (and still am!).  I did my happy dance around the scale.  That's right.  I actually did a happy dance AROUND THE SCALE.  Those of you who have seen my happy dance...rejoice! lol

Part of me was excited about the weight loss.  But the biggest part of me was more excited that this process has been a beginning for me to choose to overcome.  It's a daily decision...will I choose to overcome old eating habits, old ways of thinking, old ways of a sedentary life...

Today is Day 20 since I made the commitment to learn to deal w/ the issues inside my body (from the physical aspect of it all).  So, I've been very careful on what I eat, how much I eat as well as daily activity of my body.
Here are several conclusions I've come up with:

1. When I want to quit, that's the best time to scream out loud, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH".  And yes, I've screamed it out loud.

2. My body does not rule over me.  My emotions do not rule over me.  I make the choice to conquer my body and bring it into submission to the Word.  The Word that says I am healthy, whole and healed.

3. As I'm still learning, I cannot do this journey alone.  I was not made to be an island, but instead was made to lift up others and be lifted up myself.  Why?  Because we are all one body in Christ.  If my story can encourage others, then let that happen.  If I can be encouraged by someone else's story, then let me hear it!  We are here to encourage and build each other up, and I'm believing that my story will encourage others to do the same in a NATURAL and HEALTHY way rather than the rapid weight loss systems or surgeries (no condemnation people!).

4. I'm learning to love working out.  I wake up with workout brain.  Workout brain is when my first thought of waking up isn't just, "Morning Jesus!"  But it now includes, "Morning Jesus LET'S DO THIS! RAAAAWWWWRRRR" lol  And yes, I know Jesus laughs at me....you do too...admit it, I'm funny. :)

5. Above everything, my focus during this process isn't a sexy body, a hot body, or being "hot" or anything to that degree.  My focus is presence-driven...When I do this, I am honoring Him with my body, my heart, my time and my life.  I'm honoring Him when I choose to help Him keep me healthy by allowing my body to become healthy in a natural process that will not just take away the impurities in my body, but will take away the sickness and disease in it as well.

6. Seeing the results of scales and measurements no longer intimidates me.  Why?  Because I know that even if the numbers aren't that great, I can still choose to get back up and try it again.  I'm learning the definition of "determination", "hard work" (thanks Dolvett) and "persistence with passion".  Even on days where it feels horrible, I feel horrible and discouraged...I'm choosing to remember to cast it aside, lay it at the foot of the Cross, and get back up to listen to my Abba Father's voice above all else.


With all of that being said, I've come to the realization and reality of one thing:

I'm doing this for me.
I'm doing this for Jesus.
I'm doing this for my Abba Father.

No one else.
Nothing else.

I know my goal.  I know my focus.  I know the Truth.

And the Truth says I can do this.  Even when I stumble a bit, the Light shows me the path.  And I can choose which way I go: to stay down, stay discouraged, and quit and give up because it's too hard or it's too painful.  Or path #2, get back up, put the scale away, put my blinders on so I don't get distracted by anything but what's in front of me and what is up, dust myself off, and try again, and again, and even again if necessary.

hard work
determination
never give up

Isn't God good?! :)

With that being said, my prayer for you is this:

You realize who you are in Him, so you can get the strength needed and the understanding that YOU matter to Him, and so does the way you live and worship Him with your body.  Not only that, but that you would allow others to encourage you.  That He would give you the boldness to share your struggles, your victories and the times when you stumble around for just a bit...not so people can condemn or laugh at you, but so that He can begin to use others around you to encourage and motivate you.
That you would begin to realize just how much you are loved in ALL aspects of your life, no matter what you look like, what you sound like, what you weigh, or anything else.
That you would see weight-loss from His perspective: not for selfish or worldly ways and reasons of doing it, but instead, it is so you can learn to honor Him with your body, ALL of your body, not just portions or pieces.

With that, dear beloveds, have a wonderful and fantastic day.  It's time for me to get back to my schedule and go workout! :)

New goals--I can do ALL things through Christ! :0)

So, God has an awesome sense of humor.  As well as some seriously divine connections w/ people and places.  Through a friend, I was connected w/ a personal trainer.  Her name is Debbie.  And I had my first (impromptu) session w/ her...I went to see her in jeans and a t-shirt, not realizing she'd be working me out that same day! lol Needless to say, I was "glistening" (her word, not mine!...I just call it plain dripping sweat! lol).

I loved her on sight and felt immediately comfortable and encouraged.  She's also a believer.  And one thing she said to me that made me super excited, was that she'll be praying for me daily.  And I'm SOOOOOO excited about that!!  She stated this as she warmed me up and made me almost pant on the treadmill. haha

So, tonight w/ the encouragement of meeting a new goal, as well as reading a friend's post on Facebook on her making new goals for the new year regarding fitness, I sat down in front of the Hallmark Channel (hey, I did my workout already!  Can you say the same?!) and watched a sappy movie (I love the Hallmark Channel during Christmas!).  And wrote down my goals through April 30, 2012.  And I shall write them out here.

And I'm going to be as brutally honest as possible.  Ugh.  I hate numbers!

So, I'm starting this journey at 272 lbs.  I know, I know...most people say I don't look that big, but I am.  The scale says so, and so do the pant sizes.  But hey!!  I started this journey at a whopping 285 lbs, so that's a VAST improvement!!!!  Hard work DETERMINATION!!!!!!

My goals are broken down into these categories: jogging, walking, fellowship w/ exercise, cardio, meals/nutrition & weigh-in. (I won't be putting the weigh-in goals online)

By end of 1/31/12:
Jogging: 4 minutes total (doesn't have to be altogether, can be divied out throughout the walk--1 min walk, 1 min jog, 1 min walk, etc.)

Walking: 2 miles total (judged by Spectrum track)

Fellowship w/ exercise: 1 time a week w/ Naomi

Cardio: at least 20 minutes 5 times a week (the number of days is per Debbie)

Meals/Nutrition: 2 balanced meals/day; 1 protein shake/day; all vitamins/herbs taken; 2 T coconut oil/day; 1 serving of apple cider vinegar per day; 1 cup of green tea per day; 1 sweet per day; veggies w/ all meals


By end of 2/29/12:
Jogging: 4 1/2 min total

Walking: 2 1/2 miles total

Fellowship w/ Exercise: 1 time/week w/ Naomi; find someone to share the excitement w/

Cardio: at least 25 min 5x/week

Meals/Nutrition: 2 balanced meals per day, 1 snack a day; 1 protein shake per day and a handful of nuts; all vitamins/herbs taken; 2 1/2 T coconut oil/day; 2 servings of ACV/day; 1 cup of tea/day plus 1 cup of green tea in the a.m.; 1/2 sweet per day (3 oz dark choc); veggies w/ all meals, snack=veggie snack

By end of 3/31/12:
Jogging: 5 min total

Walking: 3 miles total

Fellowship w/ Exercise: 1 time/week w/ Naomi; pass on old clothes except 1 pair of jeans and 1 shirt

Cardio: at least 30 min 5x/week

Meals/Nutrition: 2 balanced meals/day, 2 snacks/day; 1 protein shake plus a handful of nuts; all vitamins/herbs taken; 3 T coconut oil taken; 2 servings of ACV plus some in protein shake; 1 cup of tea plus 1 cup green tea in a.m.; veggies=2 meals, both snacks veggie snacks

By end of 4/30/12:
Jogging: 5 1/2 min total

Walking: 3 1/2 mi total

Fellowship w/ Exercise: 2 times/week w/ Naomi (if she agrees)

Cardio: at least 20 min 6x/week

Meals/Nutrition: 3 balanced meals; 1 protein shake; 3 1/2 T coconut oil/day; 3 servings of ACV; 2 servings green tea; cup of fruit/day; veggies w/ all meals



So there you have it, in plain and simple writing!  Now it's time to finish watching my Hallmark movie, go to bed, and get up to workout!! :)