4 month progress...2-17 to 3-17-13

4 months people!!  I can't believe it's been 4 MONTHS!!!!  OMGollygeewhiz!!  And what a battle those months have been.  But I wouldn't change it or have it any other way.  These have been hard earned, and I will display every battle scar with pride!

I have lost a total of 17.6 lbs.  And as of 3/10/13, a total of 12.75+ inches.  :)

Here's a few pics of the progress:
                                                                            October 2012

                                                                      January 2013

                                                                      February 2013

                                                                      March 2013

It's proof I'm gettin' some AWESOME curves! lol  There are pics for Nov/Dec 2012, but, uh, you don't wanna see 'em.  I promise. :)

And today, today is the day I see how far/how long I can run.  I'm sticking with my half mile, as I still haven't hit a mile on the treadmill yet.  But I am excited to see if my endurance has changed. :)  This is my personal challenge to myself.  To become a runner.  Not because I like it, but because I want to prove to myself that I have the determination, dedication and desire to finish and pursue this journey to a new, healthier me.

And because I wanna have amazing legs like Desirree H. and Debbie G.  Hell, I'd just like thinner legs! lol  Oh hell.  Just gimme smaller thighs and I'll be happy! :)  I don't care about the thigh gap.  I'd just like not so many dimples! lol

NSVs:

1. Running on the treadmill...and looking good while doing it. I meant form, people, FORM!!! haha

2. Running .17 mi dist above where I was at last month. :)  Our (meaning trainer & I) goal is to get me to run 1 mile straight on the treadmill before I try to take it to the park.  And die.  A miserable, slow death.  And continue to work from there.  I enjoy running.  I'm getting to like running.  It's getting easier to run.  No, those are all lies.  I still don't like running.  And it's not getting easier.  It just gets harder.  Because I keep pushing myself.  So, I still don't like it.  But it's becoming therapeutic.  Running has allowed me to empty my mind of all the distractions and focus on one issue at a time.  As I pound the hell out of my fat.  You should totally see my fat jiggle. ;)

3. Doing the Run/Walk...and trying not to get freaked out and saying, SCREW IT ALL!  May is coming oh so close!!

4. Even on my worst weeks, I get up, dig in, and continue this journey.  Doesn't matter how much I work out, or how little.  What matters right now is that I'm choosing to get up, rather than staying down!!

5. Gaining confidence in who I am.  And slowly liking the way my body is now.  THIS...this is HUGE!!  I'm not where I need to be, or where I want to be, but it's lovely to FINALLY look in the mirror, and begin to say to myself, "I'm looking pretty good!", as I notice my brand new curves. :)

6. Clothing. sizes.  OMGollygeewhizz!!  It's so lovely to be able to see and note differences...and have others notice it as well.  More notice, people, more notice!! haha

7.  Spiritual differences.  I'm more focused on my faith, on Him, on how He's transforming my heart, soul, mind and spirit, than I am focused on a specific "program of weight loss". Which I have none.  Here's my program, calories in, calories out.  Eat healthy, in moderation and MOVE!!

A Note to Myself...3-3-13

Um, holy crud Fatwoman!!  It's becoming a reality.  You. are. losing. weight.

You don't know how.  Especially on week's when you don't work out, your eating has been crappy, and you feel like you put on all the weight you lost...  But it's happening.

So much, that you still step on the scale another 3 4 5 times just to verify that the number you saw was correct.  And you've been doing this for the past almost month.  So much so that you keep dancing for joy in the restroom every time you see your scale, rather than run and hide from it.

You're changing, Fatwoman!!  You no longer see the number on the scale as a disappointment, even when it may go up. You see it as a personal challenge to kick the scale in the ass, and shove it up lost fat's sun-no-shine area.

Matter of fact, Fatwoman, you're kicking ass.  You're own.  And I for one cannot be more proud of the changes that I've seen in you.  From letting more people in to your life, to being more open and honest on this journey.

You're no longer ashamed of who you are, but you are becoming proud of who He's creating you to be.  You can look in your kiddos eyes and see just how much they are proud of you, as you continue on this journey.  And this is where some of your strength comes in...showing them how to pursue a healthy life, so they in turn can live it to its fullest.

Fatwoman, you are slowly having to change your name to something else...like KickAssWoman, or SkinnyMini or....I don't know yet, but I promise I'll come up with something good.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm proud of how much you've accomplished, how far you've gone, and the willingness to continue this journey AND NOT GIVE UP.

You're doing it, woman!  And you're going strong, after 4 months, and continue on the lifestyle changes, EVEN WHEN YOU MESS UP.  What a difference this season is seeing.

And all I can say is,

Welcome back, fighter.
Welcome back, victor.
It's lovely to see you again.
You're slowly being healed from the inside out.
You're looking your abusers in the face in your mind's eye and telling them they no longer have power over you.
You're no longer walking in fear, but are slowly turning that fear into the faith to walk into the unseen realms He has for you, in EVERY area of your life.
You're no longer allowing your body to dictate who you are.  You're allowing Him, and your heart, to dictate who you will be.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm so, so, so proud of you.

And finally, I can say, what an honor it is to have you as part of my life.

Love,

Yourself :)

3 Month Progress: 1-17-13 to 2-17-13

3 MONTHS BABY!!!!  Dude & dudettes, I still can't quite believe I've made it to 3 months (okay, technically I'm shy of it by 2 days, but I'm gonna be busy this weekend, so needed to get this outta the way!).  Not only that, but this past month has seen some of my biggest & greatest victories so far.

Oh, lemme list 'em for ya!  I LOVE lists.  They make me happy.  And organized.  And happy!

1. Ran 1/2 a mile in 7 min and some-odd seconds.

2. Ran laps around the school gym...for fun...during recess.  Yes, for fun.  Who the hell am I?!? lol  This fat girl is learning to like to...jog.  I'm not ready for the "r" word yet. :)

3. Hit my TEN POUNDS LOST goal @ 268.8. :)

4. Started Interval training on all cardio machines (except treadmill), and am FINALLY on Level 2 on Arc Trainer (AT) and Cross Trainer (CT).

5.  My weight routine is getting so much better!!

8. Ab Coaster: went from no weights added, to 20 lbs added, to now 25 lbs added.

9. Back Extension (NOT the machine): went from using body weight, to now adding a 10 lb weight. :)

10. Ab X: went from doing 45 crunches/sit-ups/whatever you call 'em to 70...and adding extra just for fun. :)

11.  On the Assisted Dip, went from 20 Assisted Pounds, to 18 Assisted Pounds. :)

12. Went from an XL/XXL to a L/XL, depending on the shirt.  And, on some occasions, a M. :)

13.  Started pants size 24 to now a size 20, comfortably. :)

14. My belt used to be notched at the 11th hole, sometimes the 12th....now at 15-16. :)

15.  Down 5.4375 inches since 11-17-12.  (It would've been more, but I only measured waist, hips, thigh and arms then.  My bad...)

16.  From the previous month, down a total of 3.1875 inches (measuring neck, arm, chest, forearm, wrist, waist, hips, thigh, knee, calf, ankle).

17.  The biggest one of all: I THREW AWAY CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, you read me right, my friends.  Me, the chocoholic....I threw away almost all of the chocolate that was given to me.  :)  Or I gave it away to skinny people. :)

As of today, I am now weighing in at 266.6, which is a 12.2 pound weight loss so far.  I WILL TAKE IT!! :)

Now, for the battles:

1. Struggling w/ emotional eating, and losing.

2.  Fighting the desire to quit...daily...but this is also a MAJOR victory.  Because I'm fighting it, rather than giving in!!

3.  Fighting the voices in my mind that bring on fear.

And since I haven't taken recent pictures of me, you all will have to suffer with these:

January 17, 2013.  My size 22 wk pants on me

February 15, 2013.  My size 22 wk pants on me

And my waist is slowly turning into an hour-glass figure. :)

Jan 2013

Feb 2013

And lastly, the ULTIMATE in knowing you are on the right track to lookin' hot on the southside: when all the cholos go, "DAMN!!  You can lift that much?!"

Yeah, this fat girl can lift that much.  Get over it.  I'm eventually gonna lift more than you one day.  Now pick up your baggy a** pants! :)

See you all in one month! :)

P.S.  If anyone wants to do a 5K race w/ me in April, lemme know, and I'll send you over the info!!  $15/person until March 28th!!! :)

2 month progress: 12-17 to 1-17

If someone would have told me when I first started this, that I'd actually still be sticking w/ it 2 months later, I would've smiled politely and in my head thought, "you don't know me very well".  Usually a few weeks into something this massive, I have the tendency to throw my hands in the air and give up.  Which almost happened earlier this month.

Recent picture of me as of 1/13/13:

What I looked like before I started, October 2012:

Needless to say, I don't miss how heavy I was.  I don't miss feeling like crap.  I can finally see that I have a waist, and I don't mind wearing button-down shirts (I used to not wear them because I was too self-conscious about the way I looked in them, especially as I gained weight back).  I can even see my arms/wrists are a tad smaller (which measurements have proved!).

This month was a rough month for me.  It saw some great highs, and some serious lows.  Went out of town, and didn't gain any weight...as a matter of fact, proved to myself that I didn't need the gym to find a good workout, also watched what I ate much more carefully.  Then it saw the holiday seasons, which are always rough for me.  BUT I only gained a pound during that time. (that in itself is a huge praise!)

And then January hit, and the depression started coming back up.  And it didn't help that my TOM was late. So, here I was, a miserable sobbing mess, isolating myself, hiding out in my room, and just saying to myself, I give up.  The scale hasn't moved, I've gained weight back, measurements are out of whack.  SCREW IT ALL.

BUT, I didn't give up.  I finally went to my roommate and broke down, and she prayed over me and my body.  I also prayed over my hormones and emotions, and have been slowly re-reading the Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer (because that's where the biggest battle is for me in all of this).  I've chosen to not give up.  Especially as the day that I finally went back to the gym after a few days hiatus, and I met a woman who lost 150 pounds, w/ no products, diet plans, etc.  Just watching what she ate and exercising.  Which is how I want to do it.

I've come to the realization that my nature to be addicted to certain "things" does not make in conducive to allowing me to take products, supplements, etc. to help along this journey.  I'd just abuse them, and my body.  So, I'm choosing to do this in what most people call the hard way, but the way that I know will give HIM all the glory, and not products, diets, etc. (not that some of those are bad or wrong, but they're not right for me)

This round, I won the mental battle by getting back up again.  It took me awhile, but I did it.  I got back up, got back on that damn cross trainer, and beat my time. :)  AND it just so happened that on that exact same day, my TOM started as my body began to realign itself to where it needs to be.

All that to say, the progress is slow.  The scale can be discouraging, especially as I saw the numbers jump up, but then I see my measurements go down.  I don't understand it, but hey.  I'm learning to listen to my body, figure out what's best and right for me, as well as listen to the Holy Spirit tell me which direction I should go in this.

So, month 3 starts w/ less calories to eat, more determination, and a willingness to listen to where I'm supposed to be and go.  I've been asking Him to give me a picture of what He wants me to look like after this, and what I'd like to look like, and mesh the two visions together. Probably because the vision of myself is skewed.  I've decided that I'll be doing BOTM as my devotions for this month, to help realign and refocus where I need to be and where I want to go.

This next month (month 3) will also see a new session w/ my trainer. :)  And some new victories that I can't wait to share at my 3 month progress report! :)

Non-Scale Victories (NSVs)--1/6/13

1. a pair of pants that were starting to fit a bit snug fit just right now. :)

2. my hips no longer touch the cross trainer outer grips

3. I've discovered that I have some pretty awesome bicep action going on...noticed it during the arm curls yesterday, and was kinda impressed! lol

4. My desire/craving for sugar is lessening as it slowly works its way outside my system once again.

5. I'm more intentional about what I eat, yet still allow myself freedom to eat stuff like wings, chocolate, cookies, etc. on occasion.  I'm learning to not just control what goes in my mouth, but to have a HEALTHY balance and have fun with it.

6. I can see my hour glass figure slowly being defined once again.  And I'm starting to be okay w/ the fact that I have a huge badonkadonk, always will, and huge boobs, which has seen a slight marginal decrease (which I'm fine w/...I'd be sad if I lost the girls...)

7. I'm slowly liking the way I look w/ clothes on, and learning that I don't need to hide who I am underneath.

8. I'm starting to slowly examine myself in the mirror, nekkid.  And learning to be happy with who I am, fat and all.  Why?  Because though I want to lose the weight, I know it's a process and a body.  And if I'm not happy w/ myself now, I'm never going to learn to be happy with myself later, which can easily lead to another type of addiction.  So...basically, learning to take one step at a time.

1 month progress...11-17 to 12-17

Well, one month is down on this journey.  With many more months to go.  Down 6 lbs, 3.25 inches overall.  As a matter of fact, it may soon be time to go jeans shopping:

Needless to say, I'm quite ecstatic.  And very blessed.  It's the small moments like these that help motivate me.  That, and comments like, "You look smaller!" versus, "oh wow!  you look like you're losing weight." (which I hate hearing the latter one...messes w/ my brain right now)

<--at my largest @ 278.8


--> now @ 272.2










Not only that, but I notice it when I look at myself in the mirror, when I look down and see my wrists are slightly smaller.  When I take 2 week measurements and see that I've lost inches in areas.  When I look at my biceps and watch my arms growing in muscles, see my legs looking leaner as I do those damn toe touch crunches or Ab X machine.

It's progress.  And I'm quietly ecstatic about it...unless I know you well...then I just blurt and laugh and dance about it...'cause dancing burns calories.

I'm also ecstatic that I've stuck with the food journal, exercise logging, and with myfitnesspal in general (MFP).

This season, I've been hearing the words: 1. Adventure 2. Risk 3. Faith 4. Change (not necessarily in that order).

Adventure...I've been going on more of those the past month than I have the past 7 years.  They don't have to be major adventures, but I'm walking in more freedom now, more joy, more...more of being me and who He's made me to be, and being okay with that. :)  All in preparation for a bigger adventure coming soon!

Risk...how that word makes me shudder sometimes.  Risk walking in what He's called me to do, and risk that I may hear Him wrong sometimes.  But He's been asking me lately if I'm willing to take that risk, dive in, and live a life of...

FAITH...major changes are happening in my life right now, and another big one coming up in 2013.  As I'm walking on this journey, I'm having to rely so much more on my faith in Him, and NOT on my understanding of how things are going to come to pass.  I'm having to solely rely on Him for every detail, every need and every provision.  And I'm seeing the fruit of that walk bloom before my eyes.  I'm seeing Him rip away the things of the enemy to replace those things with His goodness and grace.  And I'm thankful for the corrections being made, even when I wince or argue because I don't like them.

And lastly...

Change...ahhhh, that dreaded word that I hate so much.  But these past 12 years have been preparing me for this season to come.  Which makes sense.  Because this week's workout card has this phrase on it:

You can choose to give up, or you can choose to fight.  Are you a victim or a fighter?  I heard you were a fighter.  So where's your fight?

That's what I heard when I prayed about what to put on my workout card for the week.  Which one am I?  Will I choose to fight for the desires of my heart, to fight for health, for healing, for victory, for freedom?  Or will I choose to remain a victim, a wallflower, a dirty carpet constantly being walked on?  What am I going to choose?

I can tell you now...

I choose to fight.  To pick up my weapons of warfare and praise, to put on my armor, and get up and fight.  I choose to not allow myself to give in, give up and walk away from the battle.  I've done that before, and I don't want to do it again.

So even when I feel unmotivated, I'll take a day/a break/a pity party, but then I'll get right back up, knowing that it's my life, my freedom and my dreams that I'm fighting for, and I say,
DEVIL YOU CAN'T HAVE THEM!

And that's my one month progress. :)

Try, try, try...12-2-12

"You gotta get up and try try try"

This one phrase in the song has been resonating in me since I first heard it.  It seems that every time I want to give up and quit, this song pops on! haha  If nothing else, I love the encouragement of that phrase.

It's been 2 weeks now...(from 11-17-12, Day 1 on MFP)
4 lbs down
-3.12 inches off overall

And I've been fighting this bitter battle.  Constantly going, "okay, just get up, move, keep going, don't quit, don't stop."  I even had to text the bestie to force myself to get out of the car at the parking lot of the gym, to get up and actually go into the gym.  It's a bitter battle, but I'm determined to be the victor in this one.

I'm tired of feeling icky, feeling like "the dreaded fat girl", and having to battle so much of my image issues because of things I've allowed.

Well, here's to the good fight of faith!

Keep moving.
Keep working.
Hard work.
Determination.
Refusal to quit.
Even when I'm tired.
When I'm down.
When I can't see the goal in sight.

I gotta get up and try, try, try.

To the victor go the spoils...the spoils being no more fat, a healthy me, and a me I can't wait to sure the world. :)

Mental victory...FOR THE WIN! :).....11-20-12

Today I pushed myself to get up, get out and move.  I don't regret it.

But I will say, I had some seriously hilarious moments today that were linked to something that happened on Friday.

You see, what had happened was...(in honor of the bestie, had to use that one! haha)

Was heading into Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies for my classes, and this guy is walking towards us.  There's this other lady coming up behind me in the parking lot, and I kinda notice he's checking one of us out.  (My thought process immediately goes to the other lady, though I hadn't seen her yet. Still working on that image thing!)  So, I keep walking, thinking nothing of it, when the lady catches up with me, the man passes by, and 5 seconds later she busts out with, "Ohh girl he was checking you out!!  He turned back around!!"  I about died laughing.  At the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Anywho, I just dismissed it, texted my bestie, and laughed about it some more as I continued my day.

And then it so happened again today.  At the gym.  The one place I wouldn't think to be checked out, 'cause, well, I'm the "fat girl", and all these beautiful skinny gals are surrounding me at the treadmills.  (Now don't yell at me for that one...)

The guy in front and to the right of me keeps turning around and looking at me as I'm doing my cardio stuff.  Finally, he leaves just as I start my intervals.  Well, 20 minutes later, HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME, hanging on and just looking my way.  When he realizes I've noticed, he looks away and kinda sneaks off somewhere...

I could've been seriously creeped out by this (okay, I admit, I kinda was).  I could've had a "moment" (due to the past), but I didn't.  Instead, I just smiled and laughed inside.  And kept on going with my workout. :)

For me, that's a victory.  I should probably explain why.  One of the reasons...the biggest reason...why I've put on so much weight has been as a protection.  To my old way of thinking, if I am fat and big and ugly, no man would ever look at me, thus no man would ever sexually abuse me ever again.  And the biggest trigger to going back to old, unhealthy habits is when guys, any guy, starts noticing me.  The nightmares come back, the food binges come back, and overall I'm right back where I used to be.  Tonight, I shrugged it off, told myself, "Man, I'm looking good tonight!  Let's do this and keep on going!!  Let's push it!" and without a backward thought (except to laugh and move on)  I kept on going and didn't let it affect me.

That, that right there, is a victory in some serious heart healing. :)  And a great mental victory as well!  Woohoo!!

Looking forward to continuing this journey... :) 

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex

Girls Night In--A DIY Night Courtesy of Pinterest & Research! :)

Okay...so tonight I decided to treat myself to a mini-spa night while on vacation house-sitting! hahaha  It all started w/ Pinterest ideas...and then blossomed into researching other ideas/recipes for this...and then I just plain wanted dessert and a try at the jacuzzi bathtub. :)

So, here are the recipes!  Enjoy...relax...if you'd like, pour yourself a tiny glass of wine to go w/ your dessert.  And if you don't drink, make non-alcoholic ones (which is what I did!). :)

Recipe #1: Espresso Yourself Face Mask
courtesy of: http://www.herbcompanion.com/heal/body-care/facial-mask-recipe-zmrz12fmzwar.aspx

1/4 cup finely ground coffee, preferably espresso roast (okay, I cheated...I used k-cups 'cause that's all the coffee I found around the house...and they had them in bulk...I used 2)
1/4 cup cocoa powder (I used the dark chocolate variety, 'cause, well, I LOOOOOVE dark chocolate)
1/2 cup whole milk (I used 1% as that was what was in the fridge)

Combine and mix thoroughly to make a paste.  To use: put on face and neck, avoiding mouth/eyes area.  Leave on for 15 minutes then wash off w/ warm water.

Review: This wasn't too bad.  It was a bit runny for my taste...which made for an interesting time trying to get it on my face.  But overall, it worked.  Even w/ the modifications. :)  My face feels super soft and silky...a VERY different texture than I'm used to from other masks that I've tried (mainly an avocado/oatmeal mask, and a tomato/oatmeal/lemon juice mask).  When I make this again, I'm definitely going to try using LESS milk to make more of a paste, which is what it's supposed to be. :)

Recipe #2: Olive Oil Hair Treatment
courtesy of: http://www.collegefashion.net/beauty-and-hair/dorm-room-spa-3-easy-diy-beauty-recipes-to-try/

2 Tbsp extra virgin olive oil

Rub EVOO into hair, massaging it into scalp and ends.  Take a warm, damp towel and wrap around head and hair.  Leave on for 30-45 minutes.  Rinse with shampoo.  May take several washings (it took me 2).

Review: My hair enjoyed this.  If you have naturally oily hair, DON'T USE IT!  It'll just make it worse.  BUT, it did make my hair nice and soft, very silky.  It did make it a bit heavier (which is probably why it helps w/ frizz).  I left it on for 20 minutes rather than the full time.  Overall, I liked this one.  The debate is still out, though, until tomorrow! :)

Recipe #3: Brown Sugar Body Scrub
courtesy of: http://www.collegefashion.net/beauty-and-hair/dorm-room-spa-3-easy-diy-beauty-recipes-to-try/

1 1/2 cup brown sugar
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
1/4 tsp vanilla extract

Combine all ingredients.  And it's ready to use! :)

Review:  I TOTALLY loved this recipe!!!  I will be making it and leaving it in a container.  It's even BETTER than the one I have from Bath Junkie (sorry bath junkie...even though I'm a devoted fan, this one is cheaper and so much more nicer!).  Instead of EVOO I used coconut oil (look up the 80 uses of coconut oil via google or pinterest).  Which meant that I DIDN'T put in the vanilla, as the coconut smell was strong enough for me! :)  I did add a dash of coffee grounds (left over from the k-cups and recipe #1) and a dash of cinnamon--I don't recommend the cinnamon portion! lol  But I wanted to be adventurous tonight! :)  Overall, my skin feels AMAZING!  My alligator skin on the legs is on the mend (thanks coconut oil!) and I just plain love the feel of nice satin on my skin. :)  This one for sure is a keeper...with a possibility of it being given as gifts! :)  You can also put in essential oils, vitamin E (break open the capsules) for additional smells and skin benefits.

For dessert, I had cream puffs.  No, they weren't homemade.  They were in the freezer here at the house, and rather than create a dessert, I just thawed those babies out while I created the recipes, ran the bath, and got everything ready for my spa night in! :)

What a GREAT way to celebrate goals achieved and victories won! :)

Workout #3: Strength Training Intervals

Once again, thanks to Debbie G for putting this all together!  :)

Burpees, 10 each.  On a step.  Challenge: w/out step
Squats w/ Shoulder Press.  20 each, 10 w/ press 10 w/out press.  Barely touch bottom of chair.

Everything else is timed; start w/ 30 seconds and work the way up to 1 minute each:

-side to side (w/ a step or w/out).  Challenge, for me, will be with a step...working on my coordination here! lol
-push ups (on knees right now)
-on the ball w/ a band:
   back pull (lying on hips/abs area and then pulling band back to work my back upper back region)
   abs on ball w/ band (in crunch position, hold band w/ each hand, and use band as added resistance)
   1-arm bicep w/ band (tie around something, and do from side position)
   tricep dips on ball--place ball against the wall (challenge: ball off the wall)
-1-arm shoulder press (10 lbs e/ arm)
-bottom to upright row, go up on toes (10 lbs each arm)
-reverse lunges w/ a punch out
-Russian twist w/ 5-8 lbs (arms to floor to work abs more)
-plank, on knees, elbows aligned w/ shoulders (start w/ 30 sec, challenge is a full minute)
-toe touches (crunches w/ arms out)

As of March 2nd, here are my original numbers for each.  I'll need to put an updated total when I move on to the next workout round! :)


30 seconds each:

-side to side 17/forgot to do 2nd set of this...whoopsie!
-push ups 11/18
-on the ball w/ a band:
   back pull 12/13
   abs on ball w/ band 11/11
   1-arm bicep w/ band 13/13
   tricep dips on ball--place ball against the wall 18/16
-1-arm shoulder press 18/19
-bottom to upright row, go up on toes 11/13
-reverse lunges w/ a punch out 11/12
-Russian twist w/ 8 lb kettlebell 10/12
-plank, on knees, elbows aligned w/ shoulders 2 30-sec planks
-toe touches 18/19

I Challenge You...Will you answer it?

Tonight, I was messed up.  Torn up.  From the inside out. And my heart just cried out to Him.  It seems every time Core Values class happens at church, another chunk of the old mindset gets ripped out and replaced with a new mind-skin.  Which can get frustrating at times.

Tonight was most definitely one of those.  It was interesting, tonight.  When one of the words given was seeing a commissioning being released onto people's shoulders...and immediately, my heart began to cry out, "Jesus, what have you called me to do?  What have you commissioned for me to do?  I don't understand.  Everything's been changing so fast.  There's so much going on.  You've taken out the old, and are trying to replace new things, new mindsets, new identity."  And on and on.  Just...struggling for a bit.  A dear friend of mine hit the head on the nail...He took out all the crap, and now I'm having to relearn how to fill it up w/ the good stuff, the healthy stuff, the God stuff.  Which isn't easy.

So, tonight, as a couple at class came and asked how I liked tonight's teaching, I just broke down and cried.  And shared what my heart was crying out.  For help in this area.  For wanting to understand what He's done in me this past 2 years.  For trying to relearn/undo/renew things/mindsets.  So, they poured into me.  Gave me several words.  Which I don't mind sharing here (it has a purpose, I promise!):

• difference maker
• servant's heart
• mountain of Son-shine
• rest in Him--no anxiety
• bulldog tenacity
• big heart

There was a bit more, but honestly, I don't remember all of it.  That was the gist of it, though.

Which lead me to another question...one that I knew no one but my Abba Father could answer.  One that I've been asking secretly in my heart, but, as the word given to me on Saturday night (oh wait...just realized I probably didn't share that yet...so, here it is:

He sees your heart, and how you've been asking for things in your heart, without ever opening your mouth.  And He hears what you've been asking Him for.  He wants you to ask Him.  He delights in giving you what you ask Him for.

The gist of that being that it was time for me to open my mouth and begin to verbalize everything that's been jumbling in my heart for a very, very long time.  Things that I only shared in writing, or while exercising...things that I had never verbalized, but knew He had heard.)

Anywho, back to the story...the one question that I've been pondering over and over and over again...

Who do YOU say I am?

I know.  Most people would be, like, "Alex, you struggle with that?!"  Well, duh.  I'm human too! LOL  I'm not some super-spiritual person that has my act together.  I can be just as messed up and screwed up as everyone else.  But thank God for His amazing grace and mercy and love!!! :)  And for new mind-skins. :)

Okay, back again to the story...

So, tonight, came home, and knew that it was time to ask that question out loud.  To finally listen to what He had to say.  You see, for a very long time, I'd ask Him the question, and think I'd actually "get it", but not really.  It was still only head knowledge.  This time, I asked Him to make it heart knowledge too.  To REALLY show me, no holds barred, who I am.

41 minutes later, 200+ calories burned, I got my answer.  And yes, I'll share that with you too. :)

• overcomer
• forerunner
• precious
• jeweled
• healed
• delivered
• unburdened
• beautiful---beauty
• extravagant lover
• worshipper
• clean--in right standing with Me
• My heart
• joy
• unsatisfied--hungry for more of Me
• challenger of the status quo
• grace

And then, He ended by telling me this one sentence, "I am safe, beloved."

The one phrase I had been waiting to hear from Him.  I had kept that part of my heart hidden...never really telling anyone how much I struggled with seeing Him as "safe".  PTL the big brother DM has been helping me with that, more probably than he even realizes...

But I finally felt a snap in my heart, an untwisting of something that was knotted in it.  It was that little girl part of my heart asking Him, "Can I trust You?  Are You a safe place for me to go, and not be hurt?"  And I got my answer.

He's safe.  He's MY safe place.

Which leads me to my challenge.  You see, that 2nd list above there, well, that's who He says I am.  Not quite what I expected! hahaha  I thought I was going to get some nice, pat Bible answers.  But instead, of gave me words that are as unique that I am.  And then told me to find them in the scriptures. LOL  Only my Abba Father would send me on a treasure hunt like that. :)

Now, comes my challenge to all of you who read this.

I challenge you...

I triple dog dare you...

To ask Him the same question that I asked Him:

Who do YOU say I am??

And then wait for an answer.  And then, post your answer as a comment, reply, whatev.

Share it.  Because I promise, others will begin to confirm what He's telling you.  It's a wonderful part of your testimony.

So, beloveds...

I look forward to seeing just what He says to you.

And know, that even now, I'm praying for each one of you...to know who you are, and who He is in you.  To change your mind-skin to what HE has to say, not what anyone else says.  To begin to see through His eyes just how special and unique you are.  And to step out in faith and boldness, and become the man and woman He has called you to be.  And I pray that you have a new understanding that I love each one of you, am praying over you, and know that I struggle just like you do.  Which makes us family in the kingdom of God. :)

Looking forward to your testimonies!! :)

Alex

So this is what it feels like...

I've posted this song before, but I'm doin' it again...'cause I can.  And then I'll explain. :)

This morning, I woke up from a dream with complete peace.  A peace that surpassed even my understanding.  I won't share all the details on cyberworld, but I'll gladly share some.  I was in an old room of mine, packing up, clearing things away, when someone walked in, threw their jacket on the bed, got up in my face, and said, "Just letting you know, but as soon as I'm done with this-", and the person pointed a finger up towards the ceiling of the room opposite of where we were standing, "-you need to leave.  You can keep the house, or you can leave."  And then the person waited for my decision.  Mind you, there was no fear when the person came up to my face.  NO. FEAR.  I just looked at the person and said, "I'm just here to clean out my things, and take what I need back.  Everything else is garbage and will be thrown away.  Then I'm going home.  This isn't home anymore.  This is just a room inside a house that I no longer live in and no longer want.  You can keep your house.  I am packing up.  I'll be done by morning."  (which is when the deadline was set, as the person was leaving in the morning)  The person just looked at me intently, and I looked back.  Again, face-to-face.  With. no. fear. I REPEAT.  No fear.  In my heart, as the person was looking at me, I knew that this was my goodbye.  That I would never come back to this place again.  And a peace came into me.  That's when I woke up, in peace and prayerful.  I asked the Lord immediately what that dream meant.  And He said that it was my way of saying good-bye.  "This is no longer my home."  He has created something new in me.  Has been for a very long time.

It's been a long battle.  A battle wrought with tears, anger, frustration, depression, fights and more determination than I think I knew I had.  So, again asking Him what this dream meant...it was a final realization that what He has been doing in me...IT IS FINISHED.  This process of healing/deliverance is finished, and I said my good-byes to the past, to the things that my heart needed to let go of.  And I laid them at the foot of the Cross.  And I sat and weeped and weeped and weeped with joy, just as I'm doing now, sobs racking my body.

That place is no longer my home.  I have a new home now.  It resides in freedom.  In healing.  In deliverance.  It resides in the joy of the Lord.  It resides with my Daddy God.  And I cannot help but weep with joy.  The battle that has been waged has been oh so very long.  And all I can do is weep and weep and weep with joy as He shows me the glimpses of prayers, the cries, the tears, the battles waged...and how at this one single moment, He has pieced it all together and said, "Well done, beautiful one.  Well done.  I love you."

So this is what it feels like to be free.  To be whole.  To be healed.  To receive it, and Him tell me, "It is finished."  And to lay it at the Cross, knowing that He is good.

So, I live you with one more song...a song that I cannot help but weep to in joy as I sit and listen to it.  And know, dear ones, that I am praying over each one of you reading this.  That just as He has taken me through this journey, so He'll take you through yours: of restoration, deliverance, healing, and learning to overcome.  So hang on, dear ones.  Don't let go.  Even when all you have is one single fingernail on the grips of the ledge, DON'T LET GO!  You're hope is coming!  Your healing is coming!  Deliverance is coming!!!!

Haggai Chapter 2 (from Biblegateway.com, Amplified version)

   4 But now take courage, Zerubbabel, says the LORD. Take courage, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Take courage, all you people still left in the land, says the LORD. Take courage and work, for I am with you, says the LORD Almighty. 5 My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid. 6 "For this is what the LORD Almighty says: In just a little while I will again shake the heavens and the earth. I will shake the oceans and the dry land, too. 7 I will shake all the nations, and the treasures of all the nations will come to this Temple. I will fill this place with glory, says the LORD Almighty. 8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, says the LORD Almighty. 9 The future glory of this Temple will be greater than its past glory, says the LORD Almighty. And in this place I will bring peace. I, the LORD Almighty, have spoken!" 
20 The LORD sent this second message to Haggai on December 18 : 
 ²¹Speak to Zerubbabel [the representative of the Davidic monarchy and covenant and in direct line of the ancestry of Jesus Christ] governor of Judah, saying, I will shake the heavens and the earth;^{(C)
    22}And I will [in the distant future] overthrow the throne of kingdoms and I will destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the [ungodly] nations, and I will overthrow the chariots and those who ride in them, and the horses and their riders shall go down, every one by the sword of his brother.^{(D)
    23}In that day, says the Lord of hosts, will I take you, O Zerubbabel, My servant, the son of Shealtiel, says the Lord, and will make you [through the Messiah, your descendant] My signet ring; for I have chosen you [as the one with whom to renew My covenant to David's line], says the Lord of hosts.

Zerubbabel, by Rick Pino

I saw them

I saw them
How'd I get so close oh God


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored, woo hoo
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored


Restore innocence oh, God
Restore innocence of this generation, Lord
Yeah!
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
Innocent ones


Listen
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored


This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation, oh, is coming out of confusion
Come out of your sexual confusion
Come out of your doctrinal confusion, yeah


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, woo hoo
My innocence is restored
It's restored
Yeah, yeah


No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation, yeah
No more confusion for my generation
Cause when you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
Be excellent in what is good
Be innocent of evil

Workout #1--Dec 27, 2011-Jan 9, 2012

Cardio: 5-6 times per week.  Can walk, zumba, etc.

Stability Ball:
-Bridges
-Crunches
These can be done on a daily basis.

Resistance Bands:
-Biceps
-Triceps
-Wood chops
-Shoulder Press

Legs:
-chair squats

Ball, Bands & Legs: 2-3 sets, 10-12 repetitions, every other day

A big thanks to Debbie G for being willing to start training w/ me and giving me this workout! :)

December 27, 2011 weigh-in: 270.6

Losing it...and Loving it! :)

It's been a really long time since I've sat and wrote on this thing...almost a month to be exact.  And I can say...it's definitely been a journey.

Some days have been better than others.  Some days have been longer.  And yes, lots of tears and sweat and occasional pricks of blood drops due to paper cuts have been shed. (hehehe)

But today, I really just wanted to share what was on my heart at the moment.

Today was my weigh-in.  Dropped 2.2 lbs this week.  I was SOOOOOOOOO excited (and still am!).  I did my happy dance around the scale.  That's right.  I actually did a happy dance AROUND THE SCALE.  Those of you who have seen my happy dance...rejoice! lol

Part of me was excited about the weight loss.  But the biggest part of me was more excited that this process has been a beginning for me to choose to overcome.  It's a daily decision...will I choose to overcome old eating habits, old ways of thinking, old ways of a sedentary life...

Today is Day 20 since I made the commitment to learn to deal w/ the issues inside my body (from the physical aspect of it all).  So, I've been very careful on what I eat, how much I eat as well as daily activity of my body.
Here are several conclusions I've come up with:

1. When I want to quit, that's the best time to scream out loud, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH".  And yes, I've screamed it out loud.

2. My body does not rule over me.  My emotions do not rule over me.  I make the choice to conquer my body and bring it into submission to the Word.  The Word that says I am healthy, whole and healed.

3. As I'm still learning, I cannot do this journey alone.  I was not made to be an island, but instead was made to lift up others and be lifted up myself.  Why?  Because we are all one body in Christ.  If my story can encourage others, then let that happen.  If I can be encouraged by someone else's story, then let me hear it!  We are here to encourage and build each other up, and I'm believing that my story will encourage others to do the same in a NATURAL and HEALTHY way rather than the rapid weight loss systems or surgeries (no condemnation people!).

4. I'm learning to love working out.  I wake up with workout brain.  Workout brain is when my first thought of waking up isn't just, "Morning Jesus!"  But it now includes, "Morning Jesus LET'S DO THIS! RAAAAWWWWRRRR" lol  And yes, I know Jesus laughs at me....you do too...admit it, I'm funny. :)

5. Above everything, my focus during this process isn't a sexy body, a hot body, or being "hot" or anything to that degree.  My focus is presence-driven...When I do this, I am honoring Him with my body, my heart, my time and my life.  I'm honoring Him when I choose to help Him keep me healthy by allowing my body to become healthy in a natural process that will not just take away the impurities in my body, but will take away the sickness and disease in it as well.

6. Seeing the results of scales and measurements no longer intimidates me.  Why?  Because I know that even if the numbers aren't that great, I can still choose to get back up and try it again.  I'm learning the definition of "determination", "hard work" (thanks Dolvett) and "persistence with passion".  Even on days where it feels horrible, I feel horrible and discouraged...I'm choosing to remember to cast it aside, lay it at the foot of the Cross, and get back up to listen to my Abba Father's voice above all else.


With all of that being said, I've come to the realization and reality of one thing:

I'm doing this for me.
I'm doing this for Jesus.
I'm doing this for my Abba Father.

No one else.
Nothing else.

I know my goal.  I know my focus.  I know the Truth.

And the Truth says I can do this.  Even when I stumble a bit, the Light shows me the path.  And I can choose which way I go: to stay down, stay discouraged, and quit and give up because it's too hard or it's too painful.  Or path #2, get back up, put the scale away, put my blinders on so I don't get distracted by anything but what's in front of me and what is up, dust myself off, and try again, and again, and even again if necessary.

hard work
determination
never give up

Isn't God good?! :)

With that being said, my prayer for you is this:

You realize who you are in Him, so you can get the strength needed and the understanding that YOU matter to Him, and so does the way you live and worship Him with your body.  Not only that, but that you would allow others to encourage you.  That He would give you the boldness to share your struggles, your victories and the times when you stumble around for just a bit...not so people can condemn or laugh at you, but so that He can begin to use others around you to encourage and motivate you.
That you would begin to realize just how much you are loved in ALL aspects of your life, no matter what you look like, what you sound like, what you weigh, or anything else.
That you would see weight-loss from His perspective: not for selfish or worldly ways and reasons of doing it, but instead, it is so you can learn to honor Him with your body, ALL of your body, not just portions or pieces.

With that, dear beloveds, have a wonderful and fantastic day.  It's time for me to get back to my schedule and go workout! :)

New goals--I can do ALL things through Christ! :0)

So, God has an awesome sense of humor.  As well as some seriously divine connections w/ people and places.  Through a friend, I was connected w/ a personal trainer.  Her name is Debbie.  And I had my first (impromptu) session w/ her...I went to see her in jeans and a t-shirt, not realizing she'd be working me out that same day! lol Needless to say, I was "glistening" (her word, not mine!...I just call it plain dripping sweat! lol).

I loved her on sight and felt immediately comfortable and encouraged.  She's also a believer.  And one thing she said to me that made me super excited, was that she'll be praying for me daily.  And I'm SOOOOOO excited about that!!  She stated this as she warmed me up and made me almost pant on the treadmill. haha

So, tonight w/ the encouragement of meeting a new goal, as well as reading a friend's post on Facebook on her making new goals for the new year regarding fitness, I sat down in front of the Hallmark Channel (hey, I did my workout already!  Can you say the same?!) and watched a sappy movie (I love the Hallmark Channel during Christmas!).  And wrote down my goals through April 30, 2012.  And I shall write them out here.

And I'm going to be as brutally honest as possible.  Ugh.  I hate numbers!

So, I'm starting this journey at 272 lbs.  I know, I know...most people say I don't look that big, but I am.  The scale says so, and so do the pant sizes.  But hey!!  I started this journey at a whopping 285 lbs, so that's a VAST improvement!!!!  Hard work DETERMINATION!!!!!!

My goals are broken down into these categories: jogging, walking, fellowship w/ exercise, cardio, meals/nutrition & weigh-in. (I won't be putting the weigh-in goals online)

By end of 1/31/12:
Jogging: 4 minutes total (doesn't have to be altogether, can be divied out throughout the walk--1 min walk, 1 min jog, 1 min walk, etc.)

Walking: 2 miles total (judged by Spectrum track)

Fellowship w/ exercise: 1 time a week w/ Naomi

Cardio: at least 20 minutes 5 times a week (the number of days is per Debbie)

Meals/Nutrition: 2 balanced meals/day; 1 protein shake/day; all vitamins/herbs taken; 2 T coconut oil/day; 1 serving of apple cider vinegar per day; 1 cup of green tea per day; 1 sweet per day; veggies w/ all meals


By end of 2/29/12:
Jogging: 4 1/2 min total

Walking: 2 1/2 miles total

Fellowship w/ Exercise: 1 time/week w/ Naomi; find someone to share the excitement w/

Cardio: at least 25 min 5x/week

Meals/Nutrition: 2 balanced meals per day, 1 snack a day; 1 protein shake per day and a handful of nuts; all vitamins/herbs taken; 2 1/2 T coconut oil/day; 2 servings of ACV/day; 1 cup of tea/day plus 1 cup of green tea in the a.m.; 1/2 sweet per day (3 oz dark choc); veggies w/ all meals, snack=veggie snack

By end of 3/31/12:
Jogging: 5 min total

Walking: 3 miles total

Fellowship w/ Exercise: 1 time/week w/ Naomi; pass on old clothes except 1 pair of jeans and 1 shirt

Cardio: at least 30 min 5x/week

Meals/Nutrition: 2 balanced meals/day, 2 snacks/day; 1 protein shake plus a handful of nuts; all vitamins/herbs taken; 3 T coconut oil taken; 2 servings of ACV plus some in protein shake; 1 cup of tea plus 1 cup green tea in a.m.; veggies=2 meals, both snacks veggie snacks

By end of 4/30/12:
Jogging: 5 1/2 min total

Walking: 3 1/2 mi total

Fellowship w/ Exercise: 2 times/week w/ Naomi (if she agrees)

Cardio: at least 20 min 6x/week

Meals/Nutrition: 3 balanced meals; 1 protein shake; 3 1/2 T coconut oil/day; 3 servings of ACV; 2 servings green tea; cup of fruit/day; veggies w/ all meals



So there you have it, in plain and simple writing!  Now it's time to finish watching my Hallmark movie, go to bed, and get up to workout!! :)

What I've Overcome

So, I first heard this song yesterday as I was driving into work.  And I realized that I've found my "battle" song...my song for this season.
Every time I hear this song, my spirit literally jumps and goes, here it is.  So, let me post the lyrics, then I'll explain. :)

What I've Overcome lyrics

I've got this passion
It's something I can't describe
It's so electric
It's like I've just come alive

I feel this freedom 
Now that my past is erased
I feel the healing
I've found the meaning of grace
(I found grace)

If only you come see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I know I'll stumble
I know I'll still face defeat
These second chances will define me

So I'm moving forward
I'm standing on my two feet
I've got momentum
I've got someone saving me
(got someone saving me)

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it finally feels to break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome

I make mistakes and I might fall
But I won't break
I've got someone saving me

If only you could see me yesterday
Who I used to be before the change
You'd see a broken heart
You'd see the battle scars

Funny how words can't explain
How good it feels to finally break the chains
I'm not what I have done
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome
I'm what I've overcome

"Funny how words can't explain, How good it finally feels to break the chains, I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome"

It's taken me 2 years to get to this point.  Two very long, very heart-wrenching years.  Through the battles, the trials, the mistakes, the tears, the anger and rage, the weeping and mourning, words can't explain how good it feels to finally break the chains.  Even now, as I type, I feel tears just forming and pouring out.  Tears of rejoicing, looking back and realizing just how much I've overcome.

"If only you could see me yesterday, Who I used to be before the change, I'm not what I have done, I'm what I've overcome"

So many people have told me they see such a change in me; all for His glory and good.  And others, who sometimes think they know me, see Him in me and mistake it for me.  All I've got to say to that, is I wish you could have seen me in those yesterdays, in the struggles, the battles, the rages, the tears, the heartache, the depression, the calls to my counselor and spiritual parents, the snot rags everywhere as I let lose a lifetime of crap I had been holding in for so long.  "If only you could see me yesterday, you'd see a broken heart, you'd see the battle scars."  And there are so many battle scars.  Even now, I wear a battle scar to this day.

But I'm believing that "I won't break because I've got someone saving me".  I'm believing that I'm what I've overcome.

So, with that being said...

My prayer for you:

You realize and understand your own battle scars, and that you get the revelation that you are what you have overcome.  If you've overcome fear, you are a FAITH-FILLED person.  If you've overcome the lies that life has to be lived in poverty, you are WALKING IN ABUNDANCE.  If you've overcome the lies of ugly, fat, unworthy, you are A DAUGHTER/SON OF THE MOST HIGH KING, THE APPLE OF HIS EYE, BEAUTIFUL AND BELOVED, LONGED FOR, PRECIOUS AND DESIRED.

That you realize you are NOT what you have done, but that, through the breaking of chains, you are what you've overcome.

Accountability Contract Update :)

Accountability for Weight Loss

Weekly Exercise Goals

·         30 mins of moving/work out 3 times a week.  NO EXCUSES!!!

·         At least 1 time a week meet for exercise/fellowship

Monthly Nutritional Goals

·         Eat balanced meal (incorporate veggies and fruit) (AP#2: eat 1 balanced meal/day)

·         Strive for  3 meals and 2 snacks a day

·         Food Journal – application/journal

·         Daily vitamins

·         Limit sweets once a day (Alex & AP#2)

·         Limit soda to twice a week (AP#1)

·         Limit juice to once a day (AP#2)

Weigh Loss Goal

Starting Weight:

If I told you, I'd have to kill you. ;)

                Short Term Goal

·         Weigh only once weekly – notify each other!

·         .5-2.0 lbs per week

1^st Goal 4lbs by Dec 1

2^nd Goal 4lbs by Jan 1

3^rd Goal 6lbs by Feb 1

                Total loss: 14 lbs in 3 mths

Long Term – Final End Result

·         Alex: 135 lbs

·         AP#1: 150 lbs

·         AP#2: 140 lbs

Rules for breaking agreement

·         Extra workout- other person chooses weekly

·         $1.00 in jar for Nutritional portion weekly

·         If short term weight loss goal is not met, must pay difference of goals minus actual weight loss

Celebration for Weight Loss Goals

·         1^st goal- Starbucks/coffee (AP#2: go to the movies)

·         2^nd goal- Shopping trip

·         3^rd goal-Cook a new recipe