Spending 45 minutes yelling, crying and screaming at God. "YOU PROMISED ME! YOU PROMISED ME!" And being so angry at Him. Screaming out, "I hate You. You lied to me. YOU PROMISED ME!" And all this rage and bitterness and anger just came out.
One thing...I didn't realize how angry I was at Him. I still am. I look around me to see Him answering people in this area left and right, all around me, and yet He's been promising me for 3 years...AND NOTHING. So yeah, I called Him a liar to His face tonight. I lost my voice screaming at Him tonight. My head hurts, I want to vomit, and I'm exhausted.
I don't really feel better...mostly still angry. I told Him I wasn't leaving until He told me why. Why did He give me this word years ago, then take me back to the word again, only to "remind" me that it never came to pass...Really?!? WTF????? Like I didn't know that already. So so angry.
Let's see if He actually answers...me and Him...at an impasse right now...call it a crisis of faith, whatever you want to call it, I don't care. This is my deal breaker. He said be persistent, well, I have been. It still hasn't come to pass. I did EVERYTHING He told me to do!! I gave up EVERYTHING He told me to give up. I gave Him EVERYTHING I had. And He lied. It's not here. There's nothing in sight. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! That's what I kept yelling and screaming to Him. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
So I poured out all my rage and anger and hate. And now I'm just tired. So very tired. As I was driving home, I contemplated suicide. He promised. I did everything He told me to. Where is He?? Where is what He told me?!? I thought, for a very very long moment, that me not being here doesn't really matter. He's slowly taking things away is what it seems like. One by one, people around me are dropping like flies. Thanks for the reminder there God. Makes me feel a whole helluva lot better there. So, I thought about how easy it would be to not have to deal w/ this anymore. So very very very tired of this. Tired of the struggles, the hopelessness, just...a lot. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" I'm heart sick, and have been telling Him, asking Him, going before Him, like the woman w/ the issue of blood, going, "I know You can heal me! I know You can! Why is this still here?! I don't understand?! I don't understand!!"
So there I am. At the ledge one second away from jumping. Which is why I'm staying out of the restroom w/ the bad stuff in there. Wouldn't be wise. Too much in the head right now. Wishing someone would just come and give me a hug, lie to me and tell me it'll be okay. I wouldn't believe them, but the lie works too. Now you know...the struggle, the heartache, the hurt, the tears, the anger, the rage...everything so far. I hate this. I hate this part of my heart. And I know it. It sickens me to be at this point. But I feel so desperate. There's not much left...so here I am, God. Waiting for Your answer...
And I don't know what to do anymore. I've done everything I was supposed to...stayed in fellowship, worshipped, read and stayed in the Word, prayer, capturing thoughts...and still this massive anger, rage, depression....this gamut of feelings and things are just there building up inside me. I feel so ready to explode sometimes. Working with my kiddos is one of the happiest highlights of my day, because I can forget everything, all of it, all the emotion, and just love on them and let them love on me.
So that's where I'm at right now. Angry at God. About there at hating Him right now.
And going...You promised. Are You a liar now too?
****UPDATE****
After calling a sis in Christ...I'm better. Still churning. Still can't breathe and almost voiceless. But I'm much more calm. Thanks. I know it sucks having to talk me off the ledge sometimes, but I thank you for doing it even when you're busy.
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