Apparently last night was more needed than I realized.
Last night...had a scream session w/ God. Well, I shouldn't say with. More like, me screaming, He listening. I will openly admit that last night consisted of phrases such as, "I hate you." "You lied to me." "You promised me." and "I don't understand!" (Thank God for freedom to be who I am with Him...I know, this probably rocks your religious boat.) 45 very long minutes of raising up the dial on the heavy metal music and just letting EVERYTHING out that's been bubbling for the past week or so. The funny thing, now, is that He was the one to tell me to do this. Why? Because I needed to see what was on my heart. I knew there was a block, but I couldn't figure out why. I was doing everything He had told me to do...prayer, praise, worship, capturing thoughts, in my Word, receiving revelation, fellowshipping...everything we are called to do...yet still felt that I was missing something somewhere.
So, back to last night...scream session. Going back to the place of remembrance has been hard at times. To see the words and go, "You promised!!" And learning how to contend for those words. At other times, it's been the most exhilarating thing this week. Going back and seeing how He had given me words of my healing, the counseling, EVERYTHING. Plus reading my notes from YEARS ago, and realizing why Spirit and Life meshes so well with me right now. It's a re-learning of the things that He had started teaching me when I first got saved. A deeper revelation of His truths. And how this journey w/ FireStarters, Summit...everything...has been layer upon layer, precept upon precept, and just realizing how much I've grown since then. :)
So, anywho...being angry with Him. As I learned through counseling...it's not a sin. The sin is if I choose to stay in that anger.
So, screamed and cried and snotted and laid curled in a ball, just utterly exhausted. At one point, thoughts of utter destruction to my room came into my head...but then I realized I'd have to clean that up, and so that was a no go. Afterwards, I just sat here...and sat here...and stared at the computer screen for what seemed like an hour. And just began to type everything out. EVERYTHING. All the hurt, anger, bitterness, rejection, unsureness, doubt, unbelief. EVERYTHING. I guess you could call it a crisis of faith. Going, "You promised me. Either You're a liar or You're going to make it come to pass. I'm waiting. What are You going to do?" type of gauntlet. I know. Very, very dangerous. But like He told me last night...He can take EVERYTHING I've got, and begin to do what He needed to do.
Called a friend back...and she essentially talked me off the ledge. And I began to feel hope again. Not a lot. Just a tiny tiny seed, like mustard-size seed.
But after the scream session, I just put worship music on...because I knew that even if I didn't "feel" like worshipping, my spirit was still going to receive something out of that. And then I ended up falling asleep in a ball of exhaustion.
And here's where my amazing God comes into place:
1. I slept for 9 1/2 hours straight. Didn't wake up once. That was how exhausted I was keeping everything in.
2. I woke up excited for the 1st time in over a week. Excited to be up. Excited to start my day. Excited to get things done. Just plain excited.
3. I woke up with renewed hope. No, I still haven't seen the promise come to pass, but last night I ended up praying a prayer from Prayers That Avail Much (God, how I've missed my book of that!! That's been the one book I've missed the most...thanks Sandra, for getting it for me. She was the first woman in Abilene to truly take me under a wing as a discipleship relationship.). I woke up with joy again. I woke up going, "Wow, Jesus...I had no idea I was carrying all of that around. Thank You for showing me my heart, as ugly as it was."
4. I decided last night that I need prayer over this area of my life. I need healing of my heart. So I made an appointment w/ the Healing Rooms of San Antonio. And I am thoroughly excited to see what will come out of it. I am expecting deliverance. I know I will be walking out of there in freedom. :)
5. I woke up knowing that despite everything I spouted and screamed at Him....He's not angry at me. He's not hurt w/ me. I didn't bruise His feelings. But instead, I woke up w/ the vision of Him embracing me in His arms and shouting from the heavens, "I LOVE YOU!" & laughing with utmost joy as He encircled me. I woke up weeping at the amount of love that began to flow into my heart for Him. I woke up knowing that my joy came in the morning.
And with all of that, beloveds, I want you to understand:
-it's okay to be angry at Him. But be willing to let Him know EVERYTHING, the good bad and ugly, that' s in your heart. And not only be willing, but know that He can take it, and He won't strike you dead. I promise.
-don't stay in your anger. Don't allow your anger to turn to bitterness and a drawing away from Him. He doesn't want that! He wants you, baggage and all! And trust me, my baggage has been HUGE lately. But praise baby Jesus for deliverance! :)
-I tell you this to encourage you. To let you know it's okay to be real and transparent with Him.
My prayer for you is this:
That you begin to understand just how much He loves you, worts and anger and all. And that He can take anything you dish out. That my God is bigger than the box of emotions you've decided to keep a tight lid on. My God is bigger than anything we could ever experience or see.
That it's okay to be emotional in our secret place. It's okay to let out EVERYTHING with Him...that's the one place we are truly, utterly safe with Him. When we sit before the throne and begin to cry out to Him the reminders of His words, His promises.
That you not lose hope, even when all seems so hopeless and broken. That once you begin to realize that He can take all you've got, the minute you give it to Him, He'll begin to restore your joy, your hope, your faith and your passion. That you will arise, shine, wake up and say, "Jesus, I love You." And that He'll come right up to you and give you this amazing embrace filled w/ His love and passion for you.
Well, beloveds, that's about the end of today's blog...I've gotta finish eating breakfast and working on a clean room. And a clean house. :) I love waking up to His new mercies and days. :)
Monday, February 6, 2012
Sunday, February 5, 2012
You promised...and an update/thank you
Spending 45 minutes yelling, crying and screaming at God. "YOU PROMISED ME! YOU PROMISED ME!" And being so angry at Him. Screaming out, "I hate You. You lied to me. YOU PROMISED ME!" And all this rage and bitterness and anger just came out.
One thing...I didn't realize how angry I was at Him. I still am. I look around me to see Him answering people in this area left and right, all around me, and yet He's been promising me for 3 years...AND NOTHING. So yeah, I called Him a liar to His face tonight. I lost my voice screaming at Him tonight. My head hurts, I want to vomit, and I'm exhausted.
I don't really feel better...mostly still angry. I told Him I wasn't leaving until He told me why. Why did He give me this word years ago, then take me back to the word again, only to "remind" me that it never came to pass...Really?!? WTF????? Like I didn't know that already. So so angry.
Let's see if He actually answers...me and Him...at an impasse right now...call it a crisis of faith, whatever you want to call it, I don't care. This is my deal breaker. He said be persistent, well, I have been. It still hasn't come to pass. I did EVERYTHING He told me to do!! I gave up EVERYTHING He told me to give up. I gave Him EVERYTHING I had. And He lied. It's not here. There's nothing in sight. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! That's what I kept yelling and screaming to Him. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
So I poured out all my rage and anger and hate. And now I'm just tired. So very tired. As I was driving home, I contemplated suicide. He promised. I did everything He told me to. Where is He?? Where is what He told me?!? I thought, for a very very long moment, that me not being here doesn't really matter. He's slowly taking things away is what it seems like. One by one, people around me are dropping like flies. Thanks for the reminder there God. Makes me feel a whole helluva lot better there. So, I thought about how easy it would be to not have to deal w/ this anymore. So very very very tired of this. Tired of the struggles, the hopelessness, just...a lot. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" I'm heart sick, and have been telling Him, asking Him, going before Him, like the woman w/ the issue of blood, going, "I know You can heal me! I know You can! Why is this still here?! I don't understand?! I don't understand!!"
So there I am. At the ledge one second away from jumping. Which is why I'm staying out of the restroom w/ the bad stuff in there. Wouldn't be wise. Too much in the head right now. Wishing someone would just come and give me a hug, lie to me and tell me it'll be okay. I wouldn't believe them, but the lie works too. Now you know...the struggle, the heartache, the hurt, the tears, the anger, the rage...everything so far. I hate this. I hate this part of my heart. And I know it. It sickens me to be at this point. But I feel so desperate. There's not much left...so here I am, God. Waiting for Your answer...
And I don't know what to do anymore. I've done everything I was supposed to...stayed in fellowship, worshipped, read and stayed in the Word, prayer, capturing thoughts...and still this massive anger, rage, depression....this gamut of feelings and things are just there building up inside me. I feel so ready to explode sometimes. Working with my kiddos is one of the happiest highlights of my day, because I can forget everything, all of it, all the emotion, and just love on them and let them love on me.
So that's where I'm at right now. Angry at God. About there at hating Him right now.
And going...You promised. Are You a liar now too?
****UPDATE****
After calling a sis in Christ...I'm better. Still churning. Still can't breathe and almost voiceless. But I'm much more calm. Thanks. I know it sucks having to talk me off the ledge sometimes, but I thank you for doing it even when you're busy.
One thing...I didn't realize how angry I was at Him. I still am. I look around me to see Him answering people in this area left and right, all around me, and yet He's been promising me for 3 years...AND NOTHING. So yeah, I called Him a liar to His face tonight. I lost my voice screaming at Him tonight. My head hurts, I want to vomit, and I'm exhausted.
I don't really feel better...mostly still angry. I told Him I wasn't leaving until He told me why. Why did He give me this word years ago, then take me back to the word again, only to "remind" me that it never came to pass...Really?!? WTF????? Like I didn't know that already. So so angry.
Let's see if He actually answers...me and Him...at an impasse right now...call it a crisis of faith, whatever you want to call it, I don't care. This is my deal breaker. He said be persistent, well, I have been. It still hasn't come to pass. I did EVERYTHING He told me to do!! I gave up EVERYTHING He told me to give up. I gave Him EVERYTHING I had. And He lied. It's not here. There's nothing in sight. I DON'T UNDERSTAND!! That's what I kept yelling and screaming to Him. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
So I poured out all my rage and anger and hate. And now I'm just tired. So very tired. As I was driving home, I contemplated suicide. He promised. I did everything He told me to. Where is He?? Where is what He told me?!? I thought, for a very very long moment, that me not being here doesn't really matter. He's slowly taking things away is what it seems like. One by one, people around me are dropping like flies. Thanks for the reminder there God. Makes me feel a whole helluva lot better there. So, I thought about how easy it would be to not have to deal w/ this anymore. So very very very tired of this. Tired of the struggles, the hopelessness, just...a lot. "Hope deferred makes the heart sick" I'm heart sick, and have been telling Him, asking Him, going before Him, like the woman w/ the issue of blood, going, "I know You can heal me! I know You can! Why is this still here?! I don't understand?! I don't understand!!"
So there I am. At the ledge one second away from jumping. Which is why I'm staying out of the restroom w/ the bad stuff in there. Wouldn't be wise. Too much in the head right now. Wishing someone would just come and give me a hug, lie to me and tell me it'll be okay. I wouldn't believe them, but the lie works too. Now you know...the struggle, the heartache, the hurt, the tears, the anger, the rage...everything so far. I hate this. I hate this part of my heart. And I know it. It sickens me to be at this point. But I feel so desperate. There's not much left...so here I am, God. Waiting for Your answer...
And I don't know what to do anymore. I've done everything I was supposed to...stayed in fellowship, worshipped, read and stayed in the Word, prayer, capturing thoughts...and still this massive anger, rage, depression....this gamut of feelings and things are just there building up inside me. I feel so ready to explode sometimes. Working with my kiddos is one of the happiest highlights of my day, because I can forget everything, all of it, all the emotion, and just love on them and let them love on me.
So that's where I'm at right now. Angry at God. About there at hating Him right now.
And going...You promised. Are You a liar now too?
****UPDATE****
After calling a sis in Christ...I'm better. Still churning. Still can't breathe and almost voiceless. But I'm much more calm. Thanks. I know it sucks having to talk me off the ledge sometimes, but I thank you for doing it even when you're busy.
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Stop cursing my kids...
I think it all started last Thursday when this lady started praying over my kiddos...and I immediately was like, "uh, no, I don't receive that for them. Why are you praying that they're sick and yada yada yada and...lady, STOP PRAYING!!!"
But me, I didn't want to be rude.
Maybe I should have.
Because the change in their behavior has been astronomically different. They went from being amazing to being, well, the opposite.
I've had kids in my office ON A DAILY BASIS!!! I haven't had that since we first got the program up and running. It's been an amazing month of greatness.
And one person's prayer about how they're all wild, and they're so glad I'm there, and how there's so much unruliness and...
Lady, what in the world makes you think it's okay to pray the bad over people?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I'm angry. I'm angry that I have to once again go back and take the ground back. Ground it took 6 LONG MONTHS to gain w/ these kiddos.
And I knew once those words came out of her mouth...just...grrrrrr.
So, now, I'm standing on the ground goin', "enemy, you're not taking my kiddos back! you're not taking the peace and unity back! you're not stealing our joy!"
It's been difficult though. From staff to children, it's been so amazingly difficult.
So my prayer, and if those who read this would stand w/ me...
He'll give me the game plan to gain back the ground, and exactly how to combat the curses spoken over my children
He'll help me to see this person through His eyes, not mine of anger and hurt
He'll give me the grace and patience to deal w/ these issues in a loving manner, not one where I'd like to duck tape 'em to the wall...myself included...just for a moment of peace in my day
And above all, that He'll show me how to walk in love, not frustration, with those within our program, from boss to children and everyone else we encounter on a daily basis.
Needless to say, every night I've come home, ate, waited for food to go down, and then crashed for 8-10 hours. If you know me, I don't normally sleep that long. Think 6 hours unless I'm super tired or sick. I've been super tired and exhausted.
I think my biggest frustration is that the person thought it was okay to say, "so many kids are sick, mental illness, misbehaviors, diagnosed w/ this and that and this and..." and then look at me and start proclaiming all of those things at my kiddos. Behavior issues, diagnoses, illnesses..."Lord, teach her to be a light to these kids in her program who have all of these, because I know in today's society every child has something wrong with them"
WTF man?!?!?!??!?!?! Yes, I cussed. I know. It just gets me so angry!!!
Instead of seeing the wrong in them, maybe it's time to see the right. The goodness. What they do that's amazing and brilliant and strong!
The difference between me and others in my position...no matter their behavior, I see what they're capable of. I see their strengths, their awesomeness, their heart to be loved and known and appreciated for being who they are, not who others tell them to be. And when I talk to my kids, the minute I tell them, "_____, I'm disappointed in that choice you made. I KNOW you can do better! I KNOW you are amazing, unique, smart, __________________ (fill in the blanks). I KNOW that between you and I, we can work on this. Let me help you! How can we work on this so that if this comes up again, we can do better?" And that door is opened for them to believe that I love them, care about them, and want only the best for them. (I've had grown middle schoolers and high schoolers cry when I start pouring into them like this.)
They see that my heart isn't to be down, degrading or angry at them. But instead I want to instill just how amazing they are, mistakes and all. I want them to see WHO they are, but also WHOSE they are. I don't want them to leave my office without a change in their heart.
So, lady, instead of cursing today's generation of kids coming up...
Maybe it's time you start speaking life into them.
I don't want your curses.
I don't want your views.
Keep 'em to yourself.
If you're not gonna speak life over this generation, all I gotta say is move outta the way. As harsh as this may sound, I don't need your view points of what's wrong with this generation. I instead want a view point that this generation CAN grow up to be amazing, righteous, strong, and walking in faith. So, if you don't have anything encouraging to add to that...it would be best you didn't talk to me.
Thanks,
disgruntled teacher/administrator/person who works w/ this generation
But me, I didn't want to be rude.
Maybe I should have.
Because the change in their behavior has been astronomically different. They went from being amazing to being, well, the opposite.
I've had kids in my office ON A DAILY BASIS!!! I haven't had that since we first got the program up and running. It's been an amazing month of greatness.
And one person's prayer about how they're all wild, and they're so glad I'm there, and how there's so much unruliness and...
Lady, what in the world makes you think it's okay to pray the bad over people?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I'm angry. I'm angry that I have to once again go back and take the ground back. Ground it took 6 LONG MONTHS to gain w/ these kiddos.
And I knew once those words came out of her mouth...just...grrrrrr.
So, now, I'm standing on the ground goin', "enemy, you're not taking my kiddos back! you're not taking the peace and unity back! you're not stealing our joy!"
It's been difficult though. From staff to children, it's been so amazingly difficult.
So my prayer, and if those who read this would stand w/ me...
He'll give me the game plan to gain back the ground, and exactly how to combat the curses spoken over my children
He'll help me to see this person through His eyes, not mine of anger and hurt
He'll give me the grace and patience to deal w/ these issues in a loving manner, not one where I'd like to duck tape 'em to the wall...myself included...just for a moment of peace in my day
And above all, that He'll show me how to walk in love, not frustration, with those within our program, from boss to children and everyone else we encounter on a daily basis.
Needless to say, every night I've come home, ate, waited for food to go down, and then crashed for 8-10 hours. If you know me, I don't normally sleep that long. Think 6 hours unless I'm super tired or sick. I've been super tired and exhausted.
I think my biggest frustration is that the person thought it was okay to say, "so many kids are sick, mental illness, misbehaviors, diagnosed w/ this and that and this and..." and then look at me and start proclaiming all of those things at my kiddos. Behavior issues, diagnoses, illnesses..."Lord, teach her to be a light to these kids in her program who have all of these, because I know in today's society every child has something wrong with them"
WTF man?!?!?!??!?!?! Yes, I cussed. I know. It just gets me so angry!!!
Instead of seeing the wrong in them, maybe it's time to see the right. The goodness. What they do that's amazing and brilliant and strong!
The difference between me and others in my position...no matter their behavior, I see what they're capable of. I see their strengths, their awesomeness, their heart to be loved and known and appreciated for being who they are, not who others tell them to be. And when I talk to my kids, the minute I tell them, "_____, I'm disappointed in that choice you made. I KNOW you can do better! I KNOW you are amazing, unique, smart, __________________ (fill in the blanks). I KNOW that between you and I, we can work on this. Let me help you! How can we work on this so that if this comes up again, we can do better?" And that door is opened for them to believe that I love them, care about them, and want only the best for them. (I've had grown middle schoolers and high schoolers cry when I start pouring into them like this.)
They see that my heart isn't to be down, degrading or angry at them. But instead I want to instill just how amazing they are, mistakes and all. I want them to see WHO they are, but also WHOSE they are. I don't want them to leave my office without a change in their heart.
So, lady, instead of cursing today's generation of kids coming up...
Maybe it's time you start speaking life into them.
I don't want your curses.
I don't want your views.
Keep 'em to yourself.
If you're not gonna speak life over this generation, all I gotta say is move outta the way. As harsh as this may sound, I don't need your view points of what's wrong with this generation. I instead want a view point that this generation CAN grow up to be amazing, righteous, strong, and walking in faith. So, if you don't have anything encouraging to add to that...it would be best you didn't talk to me.
Thanks,
disgruntled teacher/administrator/person who works w/ this generation
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Workout #2-January 10, 2012
Today's measurements (in inches):
Abs: 51
Waist: 45
Chest: 45 3/4
Hips: 54
Thigh: 31.5
Arm: 13.75
Weigh-in: 270.0 (woohoo I maintained and dropped .6lbs of the holiday fat! lol)
Cardio
remains the same
5-6x per week
Step up the walk...get my 1 mile under 20 minutes
Continue interval walk/jog
Strength Training in this order (per the amazing Debbie G.):
1. Ball squats w/ shoulder press, 5lb weights in each hand, 12-15 reps
2. Inch worms, 10-15 reps
3. Side lunge crossover with a knee lift, 12-15 reps
4. Push-ups on ball, 10-15 reps
5. Abs on ball (crunches), 15-20 reps
6. 1-legged 1-arm row w/ 10lbs in each hand, 10-15 reps
7. table top curls w/ band, 12-15 reps
8. Tricep dips, sit halfway on hands then start, 12-15 reps
Do every other day, 3 sets of each
Ab Days:
-Plank on ball (1 minute goal)
-Ball crunches
-Bridges
-Russian twist w/ 5lb weight in hand
3 sets of 15-20 reps
Challenges:
-Push-ups on ball: walk out on knees (move ball downwards on legs)
-Row: from 1 hand gripping the chair, to finger tips touching the chair frame, to no hands on the chair
-Russian twist: feet elevated
Once again, thanks to the AMAZING Debbie G! :) Can't wait til she kicks my butt the next time! And I miss it...this is getting way too easy to do now! haha
Abs: 51
Waist: 45
Chest: 45 3/4
Hips: 54
Thigh: 31.5
Arm: 13.75
Weigh-in: 270.0 (woohoo I maintained and dropped .6lbs of the holiday fat! lol)
Cardio
remains the same
5-6x per week
Step up the walk...get my 1 mile under 20 minutes
Continue interval walk/jog
Strength Training in this order (per the amazing Debbie G.):
1. Ball squats w/ shoulder press, 5lb weights in each hand, 12-15 reps
2. Inch worms, 10-15 reps
3. Side lunge crossover with a knee lift, 12-15 reps
4. Push-ups on ball, 10-15 reps
5. Abs on ball (crunches), 15-20 reps
6. 1-legged 1-arm row w/ 10lbs in each hand, 10-15 reps
7. table top curls w/ band, 12-15 reps
8. Tricep dips, sit halfway on hands then start, 12-15 reps
Do every other day, 3 sets of each
Ab Days:
-Plank on ball (1 minute goal)
-Ball crunches
-Bridges
-Russian twist w/ 5lb weight in hand
3 sets of 15-20 reps
Challenges:
-Push-ups on ball: walk out on knees (move ball downwards on legs)
-Row: from 1 hand gripping the chair, to finger tips touching the chair frame, to no hands on the chair
-Russian twist: feet elevated
Once again, thanks to the AMAZING Debbie G! :) Can't wait til she kicks my butt the next time! And I miss it...this is getting way too easy to do now! haha
Workout #1--Dec 27, 2011-Jan 9, 2012
Cardio: 5-6 times per week. Can walk, zumba, etc.
Stability Ball:
-Bridges
-Crunches
These can be done on a daily basis.
Resistance Bands:
-Biceps
-Triceps
-Wood chops
-Shoulder Press
Legs:
-chair squats
Ball, Bands & Legs: 2-3 sets, 10-12 repetitions, every other day
A big thanks to Debbie G for being willing to start training w/ me and giving me this workout! :)
December 27, 2011 weigh-in: 270.6
Stability Ball:
-Bridges
-Crunches
These can be done on a daily basis.
Resistance Bands:
-Biceps
-Triceps
-Wood chops
-Shoulder Press
Legs:
-chair squats
Ball, Bands & Legs: 2-3 sets, 10-12 repetitions, every other day
A big thanks to Debbie G for being willing to start training w/ me and giving me this workout! :)
December 27, 2011 weigh-in: 270.6
Friday, January 27, 2012
Break EVERY chain
This morning, I stuck the banner in the ground. And started my day with this song:
Break Every Chain – Will Reagan and
the United Pursuit Band
C#m A E B
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
To break every chain
To break every chain
To break every chain
There is power in the name of Jesus
There is power in the name of Jesus
To break every chain
To break every chain
To break every chain
All sufficient sacrifice
So freely given
Such a price bought
Our redemption
Heaven’s gates swing wide
So freely given
Such a price bought
Our redemption
Heaven’s gates swing wide
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
To break every chain
To break every chain
To break every chain (4x)
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
There’s an army rising up
To break every chain
To break every chain
To break every chain (4x)
There’s power in the Name of Jesus
Copyright © 2009 United Pursuit Records – words and music written by
Will Reagan
This journey into venturing into breaking the fear of men (not being able to talk w/ them, running, the inability to accept compliments, not seeing them as, well, humans, but something scary, like the scary monsters from your nightmares) has been a long 2 months. I know, it's only been 2 months. But last night, and this morning (mostly this morning), my battle cry rose up in me.
I was done with this! DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!!!! I DON'T WANT THIS ANYMORE! BREAK EVERY CHAIN! I AM SO ANGRY AT THE ENEMY! I AM SO ANGRY!!!!!!!! For the first time, something rose up in me and said, "I refuse to accept this!! I refuse to receive this!! I refuse to have this on my life anymore!!!! I will not! Devil, I am taking back the ground that you've stolen from me! I am taking back the goodness you have stolen in what you intended men to be! YOU CANNOT HAVE MY FUTURE! YOU CANNOT HAVE MY RELATIONSHIPS! YOU CANNOT HAVE MY HUSBAND because of my fear!!!!!"
Xena, Warrior Princess came out...with the yell and everything. I just got SO ANGRY!!!! Because so many times the thoughts have snuck in to just settle...to do things a certain way because, well, that's what I had been told to do, or that's what was seen, or or or or or. Always the or. But NO LONGER! I am choosing to do things HIS WAY in this.
And I will NOT back down!!!!!!!! I am choosing, as we learned last night, to WRESTLE WITH GOD until He breaks EVERY CHAIN in this area!! I don't want the bondage anymore. I don't want the fear. I WANT IT GONE GONE GONE GONE GONE!!!
And I am CHOOSING to stand on the promises that have been spoken to me these past 2 months. I am choosing to stand on the words given about my husband, my marriage, and my relationship. I WILL NO LONGER SETTLE! IT'S NOT OKAY ANYMORE!!!!! And it never has been. But I think a part of my heart was willing to settle so I wouldn't have to deal w/ the fears of a relationship. So I wouldn't have to deal w/ the fears of what emotions would come out, what my emotions would look like. Because that's what I discovered last night. So many emotions...and from a person who didn't always know how to express emotions or was told I was just "too sensitive" (b.s. people...being real, but that was b.s....I can explain that later...)...to someone w/ a gazillion of them now, and they're coming so fast that I don't know which way is up and down this past week...and trying so hard to guard my heart, my mind and my emotions...that I was just plain tired of battling. So, everything is on hold in this arena until further notice. Because I want freedom FIRST. I won't back down! Which comes to the next song on my playlist this morning:
Well I won't back down, no I won't back down
you could stand me up at the gates of hell
but I won't back down
Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
and I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
gonna stand my ground and I won't back down
Chorus
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down
Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin' me around
but I'll stand my ground and I won't back down
Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down
No, I won't back down
you could stand me up at the gates of hell
but I won't back down
Gonna stand my ground, won't be turned around
and I'll keep this world from draggin' me down
gonna stand my ground and I won't back down
Chorus
Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down
Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin' me around
but I'll stand my ground and I won't back down
Hey baby there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down
No, I won't back down
But for right now, whatever my heart or mind may say...if it doesn't line up with the Word, with the freedom I desire, with the core values I am setting before my life...then I don't care what my heart, mind or emotions say. I won't back down. I will stand my ground.
I will not settle. I will fight.
I will stand.
Why?
Because I am worth the fight.
I am worth the battle.
I am worth the pursuit.
I am worth it.
I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I am precious.
I am anointed.
I am whole.
I am healed.
I am set free.
I am His daughter.
I am infectious.
I carry the presence.
I will not back down.
I will not allow joy to be stolen,
I will not allow the enemy to win,
I will not allow fear,
I will not allow lies,
I will not allow past failures,
I will not allow self-doubt,
I will not allow people's opinions,
I will not allow inner lies,
To steal the goodness of God, the mercy of God, the grace of God, the freedom of God
He is wanting to restore and place and create and strengthen in my life.
I won't allow it.
So my battle cry is set.
My eyes are straight ahead.
I won't back down
I will stand my ground
For He is worthy to be praised
In the midst of my storm
In the midst of my trials
He is always good
Nothing will change that
Nothing will sway me
My Abba Father is GOOD!
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Losing it...and Loving it! :)
It's been a really long time since I've sat and wrote on this thing...almost a month to be exact. And I can say...it's definitely been a journey.
Some days have been better than others. Some days have been longer. And yes, lots of tears and sweat and occasional pricks of blood drops due to paper cuts have been shed. (hehehe)
But today, I really just wanted to share what was on my heart at the moment.
Today was my weigh-in. Dropped 2.2 lbs this week. I was SOOOOOOOOO excited (and still am!). I did my happy dance around the scale. That's right. I actually did a happy dance AROUND THE SCALE. Those of you who have seen my happy dance...rejoice! lol
Part of me was excited about the weight loss. But the biggest part of me was more excited that this process has been a beginning for me to choose to overcome. It's a daily decision...will I choose to overcome old eating habits, old ways of thinking, old ways of a sedentary life...
Today is Day 20 since I made the commitment to learn to deal w/ the issues inside my body (from the physical aspect of it all). So, I've been very careful on what I eat, how much I eat as well as daily activity of my body.
Here are several conclusions I've come up with:
1. When I want to quit, that's the best time to scream out loud, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH". And yes, I've screamed it out loud.
2. My body does not rule over me. My emotions do not rule over me. I make the choice to conquer my body and bring it into submission to the Word. The Word that says I am healthy, whole and healed.
3. As I'm still learning, I cannot do this journey alone. I was not made to be an island, but instead was made to lift up others and be lifted up myself. Why? Because we are all one body in Christ. If my story can encourage others, then let that happen. If I can be encouraged by someone else's story, then let me hear it! We are here to encourage and build each other up, and I'm believing that my story will encourage others to do the same in a NATURAL and HEALTHY way rather than the rapid weight loss systems or surgeries (no condemnation people!).
4. I'm learning to love working out. I wake up with workout brain. Workout brain is when my first thought of waking up isn't just, "Morning Jesus!" But it now includes, "Morning Jesus LET'S DO THIS! RAAAAWWWWRRRR" lol And yes, I know Jesus laughs at me....you do too...admit it, I'm funny. :)
5. Above everything, my focus during this process isn't a sexy body, a hot body, or being "hot" or anything to that degree. My focus is presence-driven...When I do this, I am honoring Him with my body, my heart, my time and my life. I'm honoring Him when I choose to help Him keep me healthy by allowing my body to become healthy in a natural process that will not just take away the impurities in my body, but will take away the sickness and disease in it as well.
6. Seeing the results of scales and measurements no longer intimidates me. Why? Because I know that even if the numbers aren't that great, I can still choose to get back up and try it again. I'm learning the definition of "determination", "hard work" (thanks Dolvett) and "persistence with passion". Even on days where it feels horrible, I feel horrible and discouraged...I'm choosing to remember to cast it aside, lay it at the foot of the Cross, and get back up to listen to my Abba Father's voice above all else.
With all of that being said, I've come to the realization and reality of one thing:
I'm doing this for me.
I'm doing this for Jesus.
I'm doing this for my Abba Father.
No one else.
Nothing else.
I know my goal. I know my focus. I know the Truth.
And the Truth says I can do this. Even when I stumble a bit, the Light shows me the path. And I can choose which way I go: to stay down, stay discouraged, and quit and give up because it's too hard or it's too painful. Or path #2, get back up, put the scale away, put my blinders on so I don't get distracted by anything but what's in front of me and what is up, dust myself off, and try again, and again, and even again if necessary.
hard work
determination
never give up
Isn't God good?! :)
With that being said, my prayer for you is this:
You realize who you are in Him, so you can get the strength needed and the understanding that YOU matter to Him, and so does the way you live and worship Him with your body. Not only that, but that you would allow others to encourage you. That He would give you the boldness to share your struggles, your victories and the times when you stumble around for just a bit...not so people can condemn or laugh at you, but so that He can begin to use others around you to encourage and motivate you.
That you would begin to realize just how much you are loved in ALL aspects of your life, no matter what you look like, what you sound like, what you weigh, or anything else.
That you would see weight-loss from His perspective: not for selfish or worldly ways and reasons of doing it, but instead, it is so you can learn to honor Him with your body, ALL of your body, not just portions or pieces.
With that, dear beloveds, have a wonderful and fantastic day. It's time for me to get back to my schedule and go workout! :)
Some days have been better than others. Some days have been longer. And yes, lots of tears and sweat and occasional pricks of blood drops due to paper cuts have been shed. (hehehe)
But today, I really just wanted to share what was on my heart at the moment.
Today was my weigh-in. Dropped 2.2 lbs this week. I was SOOOOOOOOO excited (and still am!). I did my happy dance around the scale. That's right. I actually did a happy dance AROUND THE SCALE. Those of you who have seen my happy dance...rejoice! lol
Part of me was excited about the weight loss. But the biggest part of me was more excited that this process has been a beginning for me to choose to overcome. It's a daily decision...will I choose to overcome old eating habits, old ways of thinking, old ways of a sedentary life...
Today is Day 20 since I made the commitment to learn to deal w/ the issues inside my body (from the physical aspect of it all). So, I've been very careful on what I eat, how much I eat as well as daily activity of my body.
Here are several conclusions I've come up with:
1. When I want to quit, that's the best time to scream out loud, "I CAN DO ALL THINGS THROUGH CHRIST WHO GIVES ME STRENGTH". And yes, I've screamed it out loud.
2. My body does not rule over me. My emotions do not rule over me. I make the choice to conquer my body and bring it into submission to the Word. The Word that says I am healthy, whole and healed.
3. As I'm still learning, I cannot do this journey alone. I was not made to be an island, but instead was made to lift up others and be lifted up myself. Why? Because we are all one body in Christ. If my story can encourage others, then let that happen. If I can be encouraged by someone else's story, then let me hear it! We are here to encourage and build each other up, and I'm believing that my story will encourage others to do the same in a NATURAL and HEALTHY way rather than the rapid weight loss systems or surgeries (no condemnation people!).
4. I'm learning to love working out. I wake up with workout brain. Workout brain is when my first thought of waking up isn't just, "Morning Jesus!" But it now includes, "Morning Jesus LET'S DO THIS! RAAAAWWWWRRRR" lol And yes, I know Jesus laughs at me....you do too...admit it, I'm funny. :)
5. Above everything, my focus during this process isn't a sexy body, a hot body, or being "hot" or anything to that degree. My focus is presence-driven...When I do this, I am honoring Him with my body, my heart, my time and my life. I'm honoring Him when I choose to help Him keep me healthy by allowing my body to become healthy in a natural process that will not just take away the impurities in my body, but will take away the sickness and disease in it as well.
6. Seeing the results of scales and measurements no longer intimidates me. Why? Because I know that even if the numbers aren't that great, I can still choose to get back up and try it again. I'm learning the definition of "determination", "hard work" (thanks Dolvett) and "persistence with passion". Even on days where it feels horrible, I feel horrible and discouraged...I'm choosing to remember to cast it aside, lay it at the foot of the Cross, and get back up to listen to my Abba Father's voice above all else.
With all of that being said, I've come to the realization and reality of one thing:
I'm doing this for me.
I'm doing this for Jesus.
I'm doing this for my Abba Father.
No one else.
Nothing else.
I know my goal. I know my focus. I know the Truth.
And the Truth says I can do this. Even when I stumble a bit, the Light shows me the path. And I can choose which way I go: to stay down, stay discouraged, and quit and give up because it's too hard or it's too painful. Or path #2, get back up, put the scale away, put my blinders on so I don't get distracted by anything but what's in front of me and what is up, dust myself off, and try again, and again, and even again if necessary.
hard work
determination
never give up
Isn't God good?! :)
With that being said, my prayer for you is this:
You realize who you are in Him, so you can get the strength needed and the understanding that YOU matter to Him, and so does the way you live and worship Him with your body. Not only that, but that you would allow others to encourage you. That He would give you the boldness to share your struggles, your victories and the times when you stumble around for just a bit...not so people can condemn or laugh at you, but so that He can begin to use others around you to encourage and motivate you.
That you would begin to realize just how much you are loved in ALL aspects of your life, no matter what you look like, what you sound like, what you weigh, or anything else.
That you would see weight-loss from His perspective: not for selfish or worldly ways and reasons of doing it, but instead, it is so you can learn to honor Him with your body, ALL of your body, not just portions or pieces.
With that, dear beloveds, have a wonderful and fantastic day. It's time for me to get back to my schedule and go workout! :)
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