Apparently last night was more needed than I realized.
Last night...had a scream session w/ God. Well, I shouldn't say with. More like, me screaming, He listening. I will openly admit that last night consisted of phrases such as, "I hate you." "You lied to me." "You promised me." and "I don't understand!" (Thank God for freedom to be who I am with Him...I know, this probably rocks your religious boat.) 45 very long minutes of raising up the dial on the heavy metal music and just letting EVERYTHING out that's been bubbling for the past week or so. The funny thing, now, is that He was the one to tell me to do this. Why? Because I needed to see what was on my heart. I knew there was a block, but I couldn't figure out why. I was doing everything He had told me to do...prayer, praise, worship, capturing thoughts, in my Word, receiving revelation, fellowshipping...everything we are called to do...yet still felt that I was missing something somewhere.
So, back to last night...scream session. Going back to the place of remembrance has been hard at times. To see the words and go, "You promised!!" And learning how to contend for those words. At other times, it's been the most exhilarating thing this week. Going back and seeing how He had given me words of my healing, the counseling, EVERYTHING. Plus reading my notes from YEARS ago, and realizing why Spirit and Life meshes so well with me right now. It's a re-learning of the things that He had started teaching me when I first got saved. A deeper revelation of His truths. And how this journey w/ FireStarters, Summit...everything...has been layer upon layer, precept upon precept, and just realizing how much I've grown since then. :)
So, anywho...being angry with Him. As I learned through counseling...it's not a sin. The sin is if I choose to stay in that anger.
So, screamed and cried and snotted and laid curled in a ball, just utterly exhausted. At one point, thoughts of utter destruction to my room came into my head...but then I realized I'd have to clean that up, and so that was a no go. Afterwards, I just sat here...and sat here...and stared at the computer screen for what seemed like an hour. And just began to type everything out. EVERYTHING. All the hurt, anger, bitterness, rejection, unsureness, doubt, unbelief. EVERYTHING. I guess you could call it a crisis of faith. Going, "You promised me. Either You're a liar or You're going to make it come to pass. I'm waiting. What are You going to do?" type of gauntlet. I know. Very, very dangerous. But like He told me last night...He can take EVERYTHING I've got, and begin to do what He needed to do.
Called a friend back...and she essentially talked me off the ledge. And I began to feel hope again. Not a lot. Just a tiny tiny seed, like mustard-size seed.
But after the scream session, I just put worship music on...because I knew that even if I didn't "feel" like worshipping, my spirit was still going to receive something out of that. And then I ended up falling asleep in a ball of exhaustion.
And here's where my amazing God comes into place:
1. I slept for 9 1/2 hours straight. Didn't wake up once. That was how exhausted I was keeping everything in.
2. I woke up excited for the 1st time in over a week. Excited to be up. Excited to start my day. Excited to get things done. Just plain excited.
3. I woke up with renewed hope. No, I still haven't seen the promise come to pass, but last night I ended up praying a prayer from Prayers That Avail Much (God, how I've missed my book of that!! That's been the one book I've missed the most...thanks Sandra, for getting it for me. She was the first woman in Abilene to truly take me under a wing as a discipleship relationship.). I woke up with joy again. I woke up going, "Wow, Jesus...I had no idea I was carrying all of that around. Thank You for showing me my heart, as ugly as it was."
4. I decided last night that I need prayer over this area of my life. I need healing of my heart. So I made an appointment w/ the Healing Rooms of San Antonio. And I am thoroughly excited to see what will come out of it. I am expecting deliverance. I know I will be walking out of there in freedom. :)
5. I woke up knowing that despite everything I spouted and screamed at Him....He's not angry at me. He's not hurt w/ me. I didn't bruise His feelings. But instead, I woke up w/ the vision of Him embracing me in His arms and shouting from the heavens, "I LOVE YOU!" & laughing with utmost joy as He encircled me. I woke up weeping at the amount of love that began to flow into my heart for Him. I woke up knowing that my joy came in the morning.
And with all of that, beloveds, I want you to understand:
-it's okay to be angry at Him. But be willing to let Him know EVERYTHING, the good bad and ugly, that' s in your heart. And not only be willing, but know that He can take it, and He won't strike you dead. I promise.
-don't stay in your anger. Don't allow your anger to turn to bitterness and a drawing away from Him. He doesn't want that! He wants you, baggage and all! And trust me, my baggage has been HUGE lately. But praise baby Jesus for deliverance! :)
-I tell you this to encourage you. To let you know it's okay to be real and transparent with Him.
My prayer for you is this:
That you begin to understand just how much He loves you, worts and anger and all. And that He can take anything you dish out. That my God is bigger than the box of emotions you've decided to keep a tight lid on. My God is bigger than anything we could ever experience or see.
That it's okay to be emotional in our secret place. It's okay to let out EVERYTHING with Him...that's the one place we are truly, utterly safe with Him. When we sit before the throne and begin to cry out to Him the reminders of His words, His promises.
That you not lose hope, even when all seems so hopeless and broken. That once you begin to realize that He can take all you've got, the minute you give it to Him, He'll begin to restore your joy, your hope, your faith and your passion. That you will arise, shine, wake up and say, "Jesus, I love You." And that He'll come right up to you and give you this amazing embrace filled w/ His love and passion for you.
Well, beloveds, that's about the end of today's blog...I've gotta finish eating breakfast and working on a clean room. And a clean house. :) I love waking up to His new mercies and days. :)
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