Tonight, I had a scream session with God. It went something like this:
Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
God: .....
Me: sobbing and hitting the bed over and over again...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
God: ...............
Me: IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God: ..........Let it all out now, honey.......
Me: I HATE THIS. I CAN'T STAND THIS. I'M SICK OF IT. I'M DONE. I WANT OUT! YOU SAID (which I will not state for the world), AND YET IT'S STILL THE SAME DAMN THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN?! WTF?????? (yes, people, I swear in moments of anger/rage...pretty sure He can take it...just needed to let it all out...and still working on it)
God: Anything else, my love?
Me: I feel sick. I want to throw up.
God: No.
Me: Why can't You just make this easy? Instead, I do everything I can to (will not state, again), and it seems that at every chance I finally (will not state), the world of s*** happens and opens up the floodgates for more s***.
God: Do you love Me?
Me: .........(looooooong pause here, due to anger and frustration)................. Yes. Sometimes I'd rather not. Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I had never known You in the first place. Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I never became a believer. But even in those moments, I know that I can't help but love You. Because I still feel You here. I KNOW You're here, even when it doesn't seem like it.
God: Then just love Me. When that's all you have the energy for, all I want from you is your love. That's it.
Me: But how am I ever going to (will not state)????????
And this is where this conversation stops. I know it's because in my heart, in my mind, I don't see a way. Mathematically speaking, there isn't. There really really isn't. Unless I win the lottery. Or an orchard of money trees suddenly appears in my bedroom. Mathematically, there is no way in this world that I can ever catch up to where I need to be, and not still be where I am today. Even if I were to increase in certain areas, in all actuality, it would still be the same. I've done the math of this this week. No matter what, it'd still be the same, but probably worse, as certain things would be taken away due to other certain things from the past.
So, tonight, I had a scream session. It's been awhile.
I put on music, blared it the loudest I could stand it, and just screamed and cried and sobbed and snotted.
Do I feel better? Not really, truth be told. I just feel tired. I just want to throw up. My chest hearts as if an anxiety attack is right around the corner. And all I can imagine myself doing is curling in a ball and rocking back and forth.
Truth be told, it hasn't been this bad in several months...
And as I type, in my mind I'm going, why in the world am I sharing all of this???
And then I hear the answer: Because so many times we as believers put on the happy face, the joyful face, the face that tells the world it's all good, nothing's wrong, yada yada yada yada yada. When in reality, we're screaming inside, we're hurting, we're questioning, we're doubting, we're having our moment(s) in the desert.
And I'm tired of always portraying that everything's hunky dory. Doesn't mean I want to word vomit everywhere, but I want people to realize that we ALL struggle, no matter how strong you think a person is, WE ALL STRUGGLE.
Which is probably why we are to pray for one another, to sing psalms and hymns to each other. Because we're not always going to be joyful. We don't always want to hear that perfect Christian answer (I know that right now, I'd like to beat anyone who would suggest a nice Christian answer.)
So in this writing, I hope I'm giving others hope...
That they're not the only ones who have scream sessions with God
They're not the only ones who have their desert moments
Who wonder what in heaven is going on
Who wonder where God is at times
They're not the only ones that just want to scream and sob and flail and throw/hit things
Does any of that make it better?
No, not really.
But I know that, in reality, even now, I feel that weight lifting.
Why?
Because I shed light into that dark place, that rage that most people don't get to see.
I'm letting go of the facade and being real.
I'm choosing to believe, though I don't see it, understand it, and yes, sometimes doubt it, that somehow, He will make a way. I don't know how. Short of absolute forgiveness of my debts, there is no way to ever catch up. But if I don't believe that He'll make a way, honestly, I know that I'll lose hope. And then I'll just quit. Because there's only so much that can be taken without short of a meltdown.
So, God, here's my meltdown. You saw it. You heard it.
And I don't know why You're having me share all of this...
But I hope that somewhere, this shows somebody that they're not alone amid crappy circumstances.
*sigh*
All I want, my Abba, is to be free. Free from debt, free from all the crappy onion layers that are yet to come...just free.
Yeah, not the usual peppy blog tonight.
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