Well then

I've had both my counselors suggest that maybe I blog. I seem to better articulate through written words than verbal, especially with emotions. 

As I sit in the car, in the Whataburger drive thru line, at 1215am, I'm kinda realizing that maybe they're right. Maybe it's time I start unlocking the 🫙 and just...let it flow.

I don't really care if this ever gets read, spread or shared. I just...I need to let everything deep bottled out in a non self destructive manner. It'll come with typos, grammatical errors and verbal diarrhea. And trigger warnings. And a huge hope that maybe what I let out can help someone else seek the words they need to express.

I guess I'll take their suggestion and finally let it flow.

Sometimes you just need to take a walk...1-21-16

Have you ever had one of those moments where all you wanted to do was just scream? Where life is going on all around you, and you have decided you have had enough for the day?  That was me today. 

From the time I woke up, my grumpy pants were on. Stressed, annoyed, stressed, not being a very kind wife, not remembering to watch my tongue, just...one of THOSE days. Even as words were flying out of my mouth, I saw myself looking from the outside in. They weren't very kind or loving. They weren't edifying or encouraging. 

I went about my day. I apologized to my handsome man. I went to 3-4 different jobs. At the end of my day, I went home. And immediately stepped right back out. I felt the gentle nudge. I needed to fix my heart and my attitude. 

As I drove towards our little garden, I hear my heart and mind just waiting for that moment when I can be outside and listen to the sunshine and wind. And be still.   I finished up in the garden and I heard that whisper again. "Go take a walk. "  

As I'm walking the short trail, I feel the pressure building up. One fall, then two. The tears just leaking down my face. My heart pouring out all of it...the stress, fear, doubt, worry, pain. I stop and sing my heart out, tears falling even more steady. "Jesus, Jesus". That's about all I can whisper out. I sing the lyrics to my favorite Misty Edwards song. And then, I listen. 

"Beloved, it's time."  I know exactly what that means. And I'm afraid. It's time to let go of the last 10 years. It's time to let Him do something new. It's been exactly 40 days that He and I have been working on a few heart issues. It's been 40 days of searching, seeking, questioning, asking. And in those 40 days, today I realized I was trying to hang on so tight to the past. I have been so fearful of what this new future looked like, that I didn't see how broken I had become holding on to something that I was supposed to let go. It wasn't what He wanted for me. 

Sometimes in our lives, we need to go take a walk. We need time away from everything and everyone that surrounds us so we can clearly hear what HE has to say. In those times I find He speaks to our hearts, broken or whole, because He wants to heal. Have you gone for a walk yet? Have you allowed yourself time to hear His voice away from the chaos in order to heal/hear/love? 

On my walk, He showed me a picture of this cut tree. 

It doesn't look like a significant thing, right?  But look at the life that's growing around it!  Though it was pruned, life and growth happened. That's what happened today on my walk. He reminded me that the pruning seasons are good and to my benefit. And sometimes, we need to take a walk to be able to hear Him clearly. 

This next picture...see all the thorns? This little guy was in my way. If I wasn't careful, I'd be scratched and possibly stuck with a few thorns on me. Strange thing, His voice. When I came to that little tree, I was reminded that on our path, there's always going to be obstacles, things, issues, whatever you want to call them. But the great thing is, when we take a walk with Him, when we commune with Him, He's pretty good about giving us a heads up. "Hey love, ya might not want to go this way. It doesn't lead to My best for you."

I'm glad that I'm once again being reminded of His best for me. I don't know about you, but when life happens, I tend to lose sight of that. I tend to see the obstacles, the stress, the crazy. Instead, I need to see Him. I need to hear His voice and feel the wind and sunshine. 

Here's to taking a few more walks with Him. 

Things Unseen.....1/7/16

Life has been...different.  It's been...weird, to say the least.  I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet.  A different stress.  A different life.

By all means, please don't hear complaint.  I'm not complaining.  It's different.

I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek.  And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.

You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless.  I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore.  I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.

There, I said it.  Depression.  The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.

I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face.  Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down.  I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years.  The last one was...terrifying.

I remember the first time it happened.  I almost committed suicide.  I was ready to give up, give in.  Instead, He brought me to Jesus.  It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace.  If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.

Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction.  Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place.  He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light.  He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me.  He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance.  This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.

Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different.  It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing.  The darkness name: sexual abuse.  I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it.  The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness.  I was...broken.  I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing.  To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this.  Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive.  Some days are better than others.  Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come.  The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything.  So, some nights, some days are better than others.  My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare.  (This a few years later, after the counseling.)

After counseling, I was...free.  God opened so many doors, so many friendships.  He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.

Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness.  The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.

And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!

With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT!  He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning.  He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley.  As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful.  To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.

Hold on, Beloved.  Hold on.  FIGHT!  Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in.  Instead, make a way for Me!  Instead, worship Me!  Instead, honor Me!  Instead, love Me!  AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU!  I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU!  I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!

With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus!  Yes!!  I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope.  Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You.  I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed.  I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.

Above all...I will love.  I will love.

My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up.  Don't lose hope.  FIGHT!  Believe!  Seek!  And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness.  There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.

Walk by faith, not by sight.....12/8/15

Let me start off with...it's been a wild ride the past few months since the last blog post (Oct of this year).  Major decisions happened, and life is about to change as we know it.

If you didn't know, I have been trying to look for another job for awhile now.  Last year, Eric and I were talking about it, but felt that it wasn't time yet.  There was good to be done.  At the beginning of this year, we once again took it to the Lord, each in our own way.  We felt the go-ahead to begin the search for a new job.

Hundreds of applications later, and still nothing.  Then, I got a nibble.  The nibble didn't pan out.  And I lost hope for a minute.  I remember coming home in tears so many times, frustrated, stressed, anxious, emotionally drained.  If you didn't know, I work at what's called a BMC campus...behavioral management.  And I love my children.  I enjoy our families.  And admittedly, it's emotionally draining at the end of the day, day after day.  I hear the stories of the families, see the behaviors of the kiddos, attempt to sit and plan out the best for our children and the program I work for...which doesn't leave much to invest in our corner of the world.

After months of prayer separately, on the drive home one night, I started talking to Eric about what the Lord was revealing to me as the next step.  Remember, we hadn't talked about it with each other much, just agreed to take it up in prayer and generally prayed together without getting into specifics as we continued to hear.  Lo and behold, what I was hearing, Eric was as well.  We again agreed to take this up in prayer TOGETHER, as we knew it was a big leap of faith.  We also talked with our family and requested prayers as we listened.

After 10 years in the education field, I put in my two week notice.  I love my kiddos, staff and families, but it's time to invest into the family I was placed in, into my husband and our little corner of the world.  I'm currently waiting on paperwork to be processed for a new job (which I won't explain here).  But suffice it to say that...we're excited.  The world tells me I should fear, be anxious and worried.  I was telling Eric the other day that I feel none of those.  After we made the decision, I woke up the next morning with Out of the Grey's song, Walk by Faith (I think that's the title...Eric had found it from my olden days and posted it on my FB wall).  After so many months of dreading the drive, the emotions...I woke up with joy, peace and an excitement.

Most people would think I'm crazy.  I have a staff that's supportive, if not shocked.  Parents who are e-mailing and calling, wishing me well and speaking life.  And students who are giving hugs and smiles as they begin to realize they only have 2 more weeks with me.  (I'm glad I'm not surrounded by most people. :D)

I was talking to hubby last night.  I didn't realize just what an impact I had made on everyone.  I do my job because I love our children, and the families, even on the crazy days.  It brings tears to my eyes to hear the stories the parents are telling me, and the words of love and encouragement.  It's going to be a rough two weeks as I begin to pack away the office/classroom, but I also know it's with joy that I leave my kiddos, knowing that a light has been shined in each of their lives, a light that I hope one day leads them to Him who loved me first.

Now is a season to walk by faith, to grow in my knowledge of Him and worship Him with everything I have.  It's a short season of rest before I hopefully hit the ground running.  It's also a time of leaning on His strength as I say good-bye to the past 10 years.

If you pray for me, please pray for His strength and grace as I learn to say good-bye to so many people and children.  It will be hard for all of us.

And know that my prayer for you all in all of this is that, no matter what's going on in life, you walk by faith and not by what you see, your circumstances, troubles, issues, concerns.  That you stand on His Word and His promises, because He is a God who provides, Jehovah Jireh.  He has a banner over you, one of love.  Walk in it, praise in it, relish and cherish His love for and over you this season...rejoice that He was born and gave His life to celebrate in freedom and victory!!

In Him,

AF

My greatest gift so far.....10/19/15

Well, it's been awhile.  A pretty long while.  It helps that we have a desktop once again, thanks to some pretty cool friends of ours. (Yay N & R!)

Life...life has been sweet.  It's been 2 years and roughly 2 months since Eric and I have been married.  Yesterday, we were able to renew our vows in front of everyone at church.  Something that Pastor Robin said really resonated with us...our journey has been long, rough and sometimes I've wanted to throw in the towel regarding healing and where God has been taking me.

When I first saw that our church was doing the vow renewals, I asked Eric about it.  I wanted to see if he was interested.  After we discussed it, he said go for it.  So, we did.

About a day after signing up this past week, God reminded me of a word that He had given me regarding my relationship with my then-future husband.  (I hadn't even met Eric yet when this word was given to me.)  My husband would help heal some of the wounds in my heart and in my life.  When I heard Him whisper that to me, I thought back to all of the things Eric and I have been through together.  The night terrors, the insomnia, those moments where I slap his hands away because I couldn't bear to be touched, never knowing if it was a dream or reality that someone was trying to harm me.  (This usually happens when he tries to shake me awake before the terror completely grabs ahold.)  The emotional turmoil that he has had to go through, as I worked on being healed from the inside out when it came to the abuse.

I think this man deserves a cape.  Because he's my hero.  He has loved me through so much.  Through tears, pain.  He's held me as I wake up screaming or sobbing.  He's kissed me awake knowing that, in my terror, I may not recognize him.  But he does it anyways, trying to get me out of the terror before it truly begins.  He's cried with me, walked with me, prayed over me, and stuck by my side.

Someone awhile ago told me that I had offended quite a number of people when I got married to this man.  (Mostly on the way I married him, as we eloped.)  I've lost quite a number of friendships, some due to offense, some naturally drifting away, and some because of the move.  It still saddens me, the lose.  But I can't nor don't regret it.  Eric has been the greatest gift that my Abba Father has given me.  He's used the arms of my husband to bring healing.  The words spoken in the dark, which I'm terrified of, to bring light.  He's used Eric's prayers to bring about a healing that has allowed me to quietly blossom and grow.

As the tears come into my eyes, I realize just how much I love this man.  How much and how glad that I am married to this wonderful gift.  My Abba Father has truly blessed me.  Eric has been well worth the wait.

And as I think back and reflect in my quiet time this morning, I can't help but smile my large smile.  From 2 years ago to now, I remember telling Eric that my heart's cry was to help people like me, to walk alongside young women who needed a shoulder and a mentor, to bring light into a place where few are willing to travel, to speak life into them and pull out what will later be such a marvelous, healing treasure.  And to know that we are slowly beginning to do this as a couple.  Eric, my strong, amazing Eric, has been willing to have our tiny little home be opened up to women searching for more...more Jesus, more knowledge, more life skills, and more friendship. 

It's been a great 2 years and roughly 2 months.  It's been a great season, despite its ups and downs.  It's been...blessed.  And I love seeing how Abba Father is slowly restoring things in different areas of my life.  I know things will never be perfect, nor am I expecting them to.  All I know is that I'm thankful that Eric brings a little bit of heaven to earth as we walk this life together.  I love you, my handsome man.

I do not have to fear men.

I have been so angry today. Something happened that made my tears flow and my hands literally shake as I was told. 

The feeling of betrayal, of my character and the very integrity and ethics were attacked today. 

I wanted so badly to cry out for not just justice, but revenge. I wanted them to pay for this. How could this be? How could this person not see the work, sweat, blood and tears that poured out? 

After trying to deal, to heal, talk and just process this continuing nightmare, I opened up my Blue Letter Bible app and went for Psalm 37 at the suggestion of my mom in law. 

He reminded me: Trust. Truth prevails. There isn't a winner in this situation. There's immense sadness. And so many tears. 

So, I will work on doing this one thing: love. But I will be wise and gentle. I will document and cover. I will take comfort that HE is before me, HE walks beside me, & HE is my rear guard. I do not have to fear man nor what they may do to me. In that I take comfort. 

Blessings and Realizations...3/15/15

It's been almost 6 months since my last blog post. Not having internet will do that. 😁

Tonight, as I can't seem to sleep despite the fact that I fell asleep in the car on the drive home, I decided to be obedient. Instead of laying in bed, playing another round of Gin Rummy on my phone, I got up. And I got into the Word. And I started to clean after that. 

This weekend has probably been one of the most busiest Eric and I have been in a very long time. From canning, to moving things around, to unexpected visits and meeting new people. During all of that, the Lord gave my hubby a prophetic word. And my husband was obedient and proceeded to act on that word. 

He began to sweep off the patio, the sidewalk and underneath the stairs of our apartment complex. All the while hearing the Lord tell him that he is sweeping out the old to begin to usher in the new and next step of our lives. 

Silly me. I didn't really think anything of it except, "That's an awesome word Hun." Oh silly silly me. As I sit here pecking away on my phone screen, God has been showing me that I too have my own things to sweep out. I too have things that I need to begin to shed to usher in a newness that He wants to bring. 

But I keep going back to, Am I ready for it?  New things are scary. CHANGE is scary for me. I fight against it with a passion that exceeds my love for chocolate. 

The answer to my question is...I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't have all of the answers like I wish I did. I'm not so confident of success. And that scares me so much. 

And then He brought me to this Word tonight: Deut 4:39 (HCSB)-

39 Today, recognize and keep in mind that the LORD is God in heaven above and on earth below; there is no other.

He is God. He reigns. There is no other like Him. 

I can take peace in that. I can take heart that there is no other, including my worries. And that once realized, my heart can be in peace and contentment. I choose to listen and obey, the way my husband did as he swept out the junk off the areas we walk on. 

With all of that being said, that's where I'm at spiritually. 

As for the practical, Eric and I are gearing up for what I like to call the crazy season. The season that sees me living at the office with very little sleep. This season will continue until June. And then begins Summer Camp. A blessing with so many...things to think on. 

This season also sees us prepping a lot more. We have one complete food prep box done. The second one is currently being worked on. That'll hold all of our mason jar goodies. Which we still need to work on the spaghetti meat sauce, the one thing we didn't finish yesterday. We're also working on our toiletries box. And I'm trying to get caught up in all of the Make a Mixes and homemade spices/seasonings I've created. I also need to work on more bread and freezer goodness. 

Not to mention the DIY stuff we've been using. 

Gardening has begun for us as well. Eric put my greenhouse up yesterday and today he took me to go buy some new babies. (I sold one of my items and used the proceeds to feed my plant love!). I'm currently working on my herb garden and beginning my salad greens. Greens will be staying indoors since it's a cold weather loving plant. 😒

As for health, I need to make a few appointments. The cyst is back with some...complications. Which we kind of realized may have affected other things. So, calling the Doc tomorrow. 

Eric and I have also been doing daily step challenges. So grateful for the Fitbit. We've seen slow progress in the weight loss, but it's at least progress!!

And with that being said, I think that's the final bit to this entry. It's been an incredibly trying year with many downs, but also many blessings. 

Here's to more of Him by this time next month! 

Alex Flint 💃

My Delight

Wow. It's been four months since I last posted.
Life has been crazy. Our home has slowly begun to get in order. And both hubby and I are doing FPU TOGETHER.  Haha
Our church family has been amazing.  I love them dearly! A far cry from just a few months ago. Eric and I have been abundantly blessed and in awe of what He has done in this area for us.

As a whole,  life has been...quiet.  In a sense. Ha! Eric and I have been learning to lean on Him so so much.  This season has been one of soaking up the revelation of "My delight is in You and You alone." We have had to cling to Him, & each other,  these past few months.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

A year ago,  I was angry at God. Certain areas and things were falling apart.  And to see just what that year, now, has brought about.

A new boss. And one who has already gone to bat for my campus.

A new staff, including an assistant.  And about an additional 40 children from last year.

New friendships that have spoken so much life into the two of us. But friendships that also challenge and grow us.

A spiritual "awakening" in a sense for both Eric and I.  Being able to draw closer to Him separately,  & then coming together to realize just how He has molded those pieces together.  From weeping,  to laughing,  to crying out before the throne of the One who loves. He truly has done something amazing in both of us.

Financial Peace University.  A budget.  Actually realizing that we are seriously willing to sacrifice what we can in order to become debt free. And standing our ground in this area. This has been a key growth area in us as we learn discipline in our finances.

But above all...

Sitting here pulling all nighter day two...

The joy of the Lord is my strength.  And I delight in Him. I love HIM.

My heart overwhelmingly pours out that love in worship,  rejoicing,  praising,  thanking,  worshipping.

Oh, to see how far He has taken me, & so grateful for the amazing man who took one look@  my past and told me it didn't matter.

My heart delights in His goodness.  But also in His gifts to me.

So, I look up, smile and cheese my way as I dance in joy at all He has done. :)

"And you're going to hear me roar"......7-5-14

Never has a song been so fitting for this season in my life.  This past week, I had the honor and privilege of not only coming up with the songs for our talent showcase, but also the choreography for both my kinder boys and girls.  (I split them up rather than teach all 28 one song.  I enjoy my sanity.)  For the girls, I chose "Roar" by Katy Perry and "#thatPower" by Will.i.am for my boys.

As I was practicing with the girls, and as we were talking about the lyrics, I noticed that my girls were REALLY getting into the song.  They began to REALLY believe that they ARE champions, and that they are amazing.  I could see their confidence boost as they got the dance routine down in 2 hours (no, I'm not joking...it only took 2 hours, and every single line had at least 1 step/move to go along with it, plus memorizing the entire song).  And then, on the day of the performance, when I added a NEW move, and they got that down in 30 minutes.  Yeah, my girls are pretty impressive and amazing.

But what I found awesome was that the more that I worked with them, the more that I listened to that song, I remembered that feeling of, "you're going to hear me roar".  I've GOT THIS.  I CAN DO THIS.  But always remembering to never give up.

Eric and I have been watching Season 13 of The Biggest Loser.  If I'm honest, that's probably one of my favorite seasons.  The season of NO EXCUSES.  And I've had so many.  "I can't work out.  I don't have a gym.  I don't have self-control.  I can't do this.  I'm too tired.  I lack motivation." and on and on and on it went.  As we sat watching, something began, once again, to rise up in me.

Now, now is the time for NO EXCUSES.  I can have excuses all I want.  But the bottom line is, how bad do I want it?  When every voice in my head is screaming to "Give Up", "Give In", and just lay down and wait for that death to come upon me (the death of dreams, etc.)....I remember that I am a fighter.

Oh, how that spirit of complacency gets us.  We allow ourselves to sit back and let life pass us by.  We watch others achieve the dreams we desire, and we get angry, and sometimes jealous, of all they've been able to accomplish because we ourselves can't do it.  We turn bitter and cold sometimes because our dreams have died.

I was thinking about all of this last night.  I'm sitting here looking at the tiger print headband I created for myself to match my  girls' scarves.  And my dreams are dusting themselves off and calling my name.  "Don't give up.  Don't give in."  "I've got the eye of the tiger, and you're going to hear me roar."

And can I just say that I have an amazing husband who is roaring right alongside me?!  He has refused to allow me to give up.  As a matter of fact, every time the commercials come on, he makes both of us get up and start working out, whether it be cardio, weights, squats, resistance bands....  Not only that, but he's pushing for both of us to head outside and workout, or to the gym and workout, or to the pool and workout.  My Eric has the eye of the tiger, and I am so glad that he is roaring alongside me on this journey, calling me to never give up.  He's invested himself in our eating/calories, in what we make, in the foods we invest in and buy, and in making sure that I never allow myself to give up any longer.

I think it's, once again, appropriate for the season I'm in.  It's once again time to read The Wounded Heart (can you hear my jumping for joy moment?!) and go back and dig things up and out.  BUT, there is so much hope and passion.  God has blessed me with an amazing husband who refuses to give up on our God-given dreams of being healthy and whole.  Especially since we have a goal together.  I have a certain goal that I am longing to reach.

With that being said,

One minute at a time....6/1/14

It's been awhile since I've last posted.  My previous one was most definitely a rant that I kept to myself. :)

Anywho....

I can't believe it's been 10 months since Eric and I got married.  We were talking earlier this weekend, and we both agree--it feels like it's been so much longer, but in such a good way.  I love my husband.  The man who cooked me breakfast and added extra turkey bacon 'cause I wanted.  He made the coffee for me, and he let me sleep in knowing just how tired I was.

The same man who's shampooing our bedroom carpet right now as we had a mini-flood happen on our floor.

The same man who gives me hugs when I asks, does GREAT back and feet massages, and who loves me unconditionally through the worst of my more dramatic moments.

All that to say....

It seems lately God has been hammering a singular theme into my life this past month.  "One minute at a time; one moment; one day."  Basically, it's all about the baby steps.  Sometimes I expect so much more out of myself than anyone else.  I put all of this added stress to try to get things perfect "just right".  And I have allowed myself to forget that it's okay to breathe in those little moments.  It's okay that not everything gets done all at once because I said so in one day.  I have had to admit, multiple times, that I am not superwoman.  I've tried to be.  Ask my hubby and staff.

I've tried to get everything perfect, lined up, ducks in a row.  I've tried to present that facade everything is okay, I can handle this attitude.  When, clearly, I can't.  From stress at work (deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, staff, deadlines, children, deadlines, deadlines, etc.) to stress at trying to maintain a home to "perfect" standards...

I'm sitting here with maybe 8 hours sleep under my belt this entire week.  And I'm thinking...I can't do this.

My thought process on this isn't real.

Something has to change.

So, I grab my 2nd cup of coffee, and I sit, and I write.  Only to realize....you know what, if it's not immaculately clean...it will be okay.

The chore chart has helped SOOOOO MUCH!!!!  It's allowed my life at home to be a bit more manageable, and less likely for me to pull my hair out every time I see something that needs to be done.

In essence, because we've broken up everything that needs to get done around the house between Eric and I, and between 6 days of the week....maintaining the house has been easier.  Keeping things CLEANER (I can't say it's completely clean) has been easier too.

What's the point of all this, you ask?

No matter what journey you are on, stop beating yourself up.  Stop expecting perfectionism.  Stop expecting others to be perfect.  Stop setting expectations of things so high, that you don't realize that you need to come down to Earth just a wee bit.  (Not saying lower them....just be REALISTIC with them.)  Let that Holy Spirit voice that we tend to push to the background have a bit louder of a say so.  Listen to the way you talk to yourself...if all you can do is put yourself down because of your imperfections, maybe it's time to realize that those same imperfections are what make you unique.

Above anything else, forgive yourself for feeling like you should be doing it all.  Because you can't.  No one can.  Not really.

And it's okay to admit that.  It's okay to admit that you need help, accountability and friendship along the way.  It's okay to fall off the wagon.  Just make sure you get back up and try it again.  And again.  And again.  Don't beat yourself up over falling.  Beat yourself up for not picking yourself back up again.  Or for giving up.

Anywho....that's all for now.  Just some thoughts as the shampoo thingy is running, the coffee is in my hand, and the pressure canner is slowly winding down. :)

-af

Meh....5-4-14

I couldn't sleep tonight.  Seems like that has been happening frequently.  Finally put it all together...there's a sort of' anniversary' date in my mind. More about that later.

Due to not sleeping,  I picked up my phone kindle and opened a book that had been sitting in my library for awhile.  I didn't know what I was getting into. I didn't put the book down until the ending.

And realized,  with tears in my eyes and quiet sniffles as hubby was asleep, I knew EXACTLY what the main character went through.

Did you know that trauma from various forms of abuse can cause PTSD?  Most people associate it with just war veterans,  but it's so much more.  Trauma affects many,  & most never realize.

Just ask my husband when we first got married.  There was a time when all objects that could cause me to hurt myself had to be hidden. The nightmares he had to try and walk me through.  The times that I was so far in a flashback I didn't,  couldn't,  know who my husband was. And the insane moments of absolute,  sheer terror that envelopes me when faced with similar situations, faces or even smells from' that' time.

To this day I can't stand the smell of beer. It makes me want to vomit every time.  Some days I can react a bit more politely about it,  but other times I have asked to switch seats or shifted my body so the smell bypasses me.

And the nightmares...  They're no longer as frequent,  but man there are nights I come out of it swinging my fists or hands at whatever is near me. Praise God for my husband.  He discovered just how much prayer and praise right before bedtime has helped.

What does that have to do with a book?

I've been steadily having sleepless nights.  Just...lots in my head. And I realized,  while reading,  that an anniversary of sorts is coming up. 

Did you know It's taken me three years to figure out this trigger?   & it freaking sucks.

I think the worst part is the depression and the funk that goes with it all. I can deal with the nightmares...but this feeling of wanting to just...hide away for awhile because at times I'm so afraid that something is going to trigger a stupid reaction.   *sigh*

Needless to say,  I'm very grateful for my husband.  He is extremely patient,  constantly reassuring that he is by my side every step of the moment.  He's also there when I just need to cry my eyes out and be held and comforted.

To be honest,  I don't exactly know why I'm sharing all of this. Maybe because I need sleep. Maybe because I need to let it off my chest that I'm not always okay and joyful.

But, I know this too shall eventually be overcome.  This too shall be conquered. Just in its own timing. I've been told that eventually it will get better,  but some days I wish it was a bit faster.

More than anything else,  I'm thankful to have a husband that understands and still loves me more each day.  I'm thankful for a God that says I'm healed. I'm thankful to have a hope, even when it seems so hopeless.

'Lord I'm amazed by You, how You love me. '

My soul sings.....3/17/14

I woke up at 2 am this morning with tears running down my face, my stomach clenched in pain, and the biggest pain in my heart.  "My soul sings, my soul sings, my soul sings, how I love you."  This is on right now, knowing that within my heart is such a sharp, intense pain of sadness.

I woke up from a dream.  In the dream, I had found out that a dear, dear friend was having a party on a Wednesday evening, and via someone/something else, found out that a mutual acquaintance was invited but I was not.  Oh, how my heart grieved.  In the dream, I remember looking at Eric, and with tears running down my face, telling him I didn't understand why, what did I do wrong.  He then took my phone and began contacting this person, only to find out that I was being ostracized because I had offended this person.  Because of this, I was now being ostracized among those I had called my dearest friends.  And then I woke up.

Oh how my heart cried, how tears pour down my face even now.  I laid there for 15 minutes before Eric woke up, realizing that something was wrong.  My amazing husband offered comfort, but I knew that my heart hurt was deeper than that.  So I turned to the Lover of my soul with my questions and pain.  I also did a lot of confessing and repenting, knowing that I could have done better in maintaining those relationships.

He reminded me of other times in my life where friendships were challenged, diminished.  He reminded me of what came out of that as a result of it.  The ministerial explosion, the ability to be so focused on Him that His voice had never been so clearer.  But most important of all, how my heart had been changed during this season to allow for an amazing, fertile ground of such love and compassion to grow and come out.

As the tears rolled down my face (even now), my Comforter reminded me that though this season may come with challenges, there is something coming out of it.  He brought my 6 staff to mind, all young adults who I have the ability to impact on a daily basis.  (The ability which they remind me of every single day...I've had an amazing opportunity to be guidance counselor, comforter and that listening ear.  I've had the ability to give hugs, give encouragement, but most importantly to not judge them for who they are, but love them at exactly where they are at.  This year, I've had the chance with my staff to gain friendships and not just job-related relationships.)

He brought to mind my 80+ families that I see every day of the school year.  How He has brought their stories to light, given me the opportunities to pray, intercede and love on these families.  To show a God who does NOT judge.  To pray with those who ask at the most unexpected moments.  To be loved on, and love them in return.  He's allowed me to become close to these families in ways that I haven't seen in my 7+ years of education.  But especially to become close to my kiddos as I show them that they mean more to me than so much.  Their hugs, compliments, goofiness, or giant grin and wave as they yell down the hallways, "HI MRS. FLINT!" and all the other kiddos who don't know me get a sudden explanation of who I am and what I do.  This year has seen an explosion of ministry in my field, the ability to impact not just my boss, but my co-workers who have become friends, who have stuck by my side through so much of the medical junk that's been going on, who ask me what I need, what they can do, and refuse to let me do something when I have off days.

He reminded me of the ministry I have at home.  Being able to focus my attention on my husband, allowing him to feel secure in not just my love and affection, but in being able to keep our home a home.  He reminded me of just how much Eric and I have grown through these past 6+ months...from Eric yelling at me saying he was getting ready to rush me to the hospital when I had my 'moments', to being able to be home to absorb stressors in his day.  But also our garden, my garden.  Working with my hands, sitting there, being able to quietly pray over those He brings to my mind on a daily basis: Erin & Tim, Mike & Kirsta, Mari, Daniel, Lisa, Rose, Nick & Rose, Diamond, Ms. Patti, Lynn, Verlyn, Brian & Jan, Marsha (and now Sam!!!), Mom, Pops & Robyn, and so so so many more to even list.  He reminded me of being shown things, seeing them, praying over them, and then getting that smile on my face when He gives me that peace that all is well again.

He reminded me of the smells that I've been smelling lately, that have been emanating during those quiet times...smells that smell like nothing I've smelled before, except to describe fragrances of heaven.  ( I don't even think I've remembered to tell Eric this one! lol)

As my heart grieved and cried, He reminded me that in these seasons come times of amazing ministry and opportunity.  He reminded me of so much, despite the health issues that have come my way, the days where I arrive so exhausted that I'm having to call my husband on the drive home just to stay awake.  The restless nights, the nightmared-laden dreams.  He reminded me that this season has seen an amazing abundance of wilderness time to cry out and weed things from my heart and life...pruning those dark places in my heart.  But, in a way, challenging me to once again have HIM as my middle, my steady, my all in all, and not friendships or relationships, as good as they were.

So, even as my heart grieves at the thought of not being invited to baby showers, weddings, birthday parties, or friendships.  Even as my heart grieves at over just how freakishly far we live, sometimes, from the city I once lived in....

There are some things I don't grieve over, but rejoice in because of this season:
-the amazing relationship with my husband as we become ever closer
-the season of prayer and intercession He has called me to
-BSF and learning so much as I dig myself into the Word, and then in turn discuss it with others
-the time that I have to make our house a home, a ministry that I've felt called to for so much of my life

"The fatherless, they find their rest, at the sound of Your great name.  The sick are healed, and the dead are raised, at the sound of Your great name.  Jesus, worthy is the Lamb that was slain for us, Son of God and Man.  You are high and lifted up; all the world will praise Your great name.  Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, defender, You are my King. Redeemer, my Healer, Lord Almighty.  My Savior, Defender, You are my King."

My heart cannot but help to sing in praise to my King as I sit quietly before Him.  I lift my heart in song, knowing just how much He has changed me, has softened me.  But also knowing that the time I have is so precious to Him.  The battles we are fighting, Eric and I, for health, for life, are that much more precious.  Even now, I still haven't gone for my blood exam because I know what it's going to say. *sigh*  But I'm believing.  We're both believing.  And standing.  And praying.  And fighting.  And declaring healing over my body.

But I still sing praises.  I still sing my song of Love to Him.  I will sit on the walls and cry, day and night, of my love for my Savior.  I will use this time to raise incense to the altars, to be a fire in the night that brings hope and light in the dark places.

I guess this was a way for me to pour what's been on my heart the past few months.  Eric has witnessed and wiped away so many tears as I've learned to transition into this life we have together.  He's given me cuddles and hugs as I've learned to slowly let go of things, and allow Him to replace the dark places in my heart.  My amazing husband has stuck by through so much, and the amazing family that He has given me through Eric...just...words cannot express just how blessed I've been with them.

"Let Your wind blow, revive us again, Lord....Moving with power, 
Bringing Your name to the earth
Singing Your praises, lifting up glorious songs
We are moving with His compassion
Spirit fill our hearts with You"

In all honestly, yes, I miss my friends so much.  I also understand just how hard it is to maintain those friendships over an hour away, one-way drive.  I also realize that Eric and I are choosing, instead, to put all our money into our debt, versus spending it on extra gas or dinners.  (I even stopped my very routine trips to Starbucks, knowing that spending $5 for a cup of coffee...well, that $5 could go towards something much more meaningful, like our savings account...)

All in all, I understand why I've chosen to do what we've done.  We've a goal in mind, and we are determined to reach it one way or another.

I guess, in a way, this dream was a way to allow me to say goodbye to one life, and hello to another.  Not that I'm getting rid of relationships, by any means. But instead, gaining a new life, renewed friendships, and a heart that is ever changing, ever growing, always being molded.  My heart still wants to maintain friendships and relationships, but also asking Him how I can do it, when I'm so far away that I actually tell people I live out of town! :0)

Hmm...I smell an amazing wind blowing again.  And I rest in the arms of my Savior, my Lover, my Comforter, my King, my Abba.

"I'm coming back to the heart of worship, and it's all about You, Jesus.  I'm sorry Lord for the things I've made it, when it's all about You, Jesus."

Getting back up....again...2/21/14

Sometimes, life takes you on a crazy journey.

And then tosses you out of the car.

That's kind of how I've been feeling lately.  A little lost, a little crazy and way too busy.

So, let's play catch up on where I'm at right now:

Work
After having 4 staff leave in January, leaving me 2 staff, plus myself, to work w/ around 100 kiddos...let's just say the stress of that time left me in tears almost every night.  My poor hubby...God bless him for learning to deal w/ the stress and love me that much more.  It meant late nights at work, and early mornings too.  It meant lots of chocolate, coffee and goodies for my staff because we were just trying to hang on, with no help on the way.

Now, almost 2 1/3 months later, we can honestly say we have survived it.  And I'm only down 1 staff now, instead of 4.  And I, overall, love each of them for their unique ways.  (One of them has a shoe collection...yes...we tease HIM a lot...lol...him and his Nike's...)  They've had to put up with a lot, but learn that much more quickly.  They've had to deal w/ so much, and I am thankful for each of them, and how they've ALL been willing to help take the load off of me when I finally opened up to just how stressed I was, and what it had been doing to me internally.

Health
Not so good, to be honest.  It's been...a very long ride.  Due to some complications w/ the meds I was first put on, and their side effects, we've had to once again get off the meds and try to control the issues homeopathically.  This has led to a lot of research, study, etc.  And frantically trying to find items the cheapest yet best possible (it's expensive!!!).  My weight has ballooned, and I am now heavier than when I first started this journey.  And it's been frustrating...  It doesn't help that I've pretty much been swollen for over a week now, and can't seem to get the swelling to leave...thus, the FB post on anti-inflammatory herbs and such.  Once again trying to find a homeopathic remedy that will fit and work with my body.

Yesterday, there was a meltdown on the way to drop Eric off to work.  I...couldn't deal w/ everything going on anymore.  I was just so frustrated, so broken, and so heartsick at feeling like everything was crashing down and all of the hard work was seemingly for nothing.

So, we had a heart talk last night, and came up with a game plan that involves the both of us.  I'm going back to the Daniel Fast/mostly vegetarian way I ate.  Partly for spiritual reasons, but also because my body does so much better on a vegetarian lifestyle than it does w/ the meats I've been incorporating due to the much-needed protein I was told I needed.  (Unfortunately, this is why I think the swollen hasn't gone down, and has only gotten worse...)  I'm excited, though I know my body is going to go under a serious detox that is going to leave me cranky and feeling like crap for awhile.  But I know in the long-run that it's what's needed to hopefully realign my body into where I need it to be.  Especially as I need to schedule another blood lab work to be done...which will determine if I need to be placed on insulin...

Eric and I also came up with a workout that we can do together at home.  Neither of us have money for a gym right now, and the idea of walking in the dark, in places I don't really know, makes both of us feel quite uncomfortable with that idea.  So, home workouts it is until God provides another way.  I'm praying for some weights right now, since we don't have any.  : D

Spiritual

BSF...lots of homework...so little time sometimes! lol  But it's been good, and I've been learning a lot.  That's probably all I'll say right now.

Anywho...this is a bit where I am right now.  On the journey, refusing to give up, even though everything in me is crying to throw in the towel.

I can't.  I won't.  He has shown me that I'm stronger than even what I think I am.  So, it's time to lean on His strength, His wisdom, and get through this, one footstep at a time.

Until next time...

This crazy journey called....BACK TO HEALTH

So I've been doing a lot of research lately on my last week of vacation.  Some of you may be thinking, why is she posting so much stuff?!  And usually all related to cooking, baking, making my own things, etc.

Well, if I haven't shared much of the medical journey recently...

Mainly, that the Doc was seriously concerned about my health.  And that if things were continuing the way they were, I wasn't looking at a very long life at all.  But most concerned for the Doc, as well as Eric and I, was the fact that no one has been able to figure out the mass reactions I have to things...from allergy tests to blood tests, it has seemed that my body is thrown off kilter and literally sick.  From the migraines, to the rapid weight gain (it is documented that within one month, I gained 25 pounds, WITH proper diet and exercise, by the way).  Also, extreme swelling of my limbs, joints, sudden severe and intense back pains. Constant vertigo, dizziness, nausea within 30 minutes of eating.  And the worst of it all...a blood sugar that even the doctors were...well...shocked...especially given the family history of diabetes and other things.  (The Doc pulled a med student or two in because of the unusualness of what was going on.)

With all of that being said, the Doc couldn't figure out why.  And every medication thrown at me, just made me, well, sicker.

So, after a lot of prayer with Eric, and a lot of quiet time, we decided one thing: that we would listen to Him for my eating habits, diet, etc.  And that the research would begin.  The one thing we both knew: neither one of us wanted me to die much earlier than anticipated, which, given the prognosis, would have been within 5 years.  (Imagine our shell-shock when we got this news...)  My amazing husband decided that whatever I cooked and ate, or didn't eat, he would follow.

And he's been true to his word.  And we are seeing the results.  (His pants are getting smaller and smaller each month!  As for me, we have been able to, FINALLY, stop the weight gain.  It's been a bit more stable, though still off by far on what I need to be for a more healthier me.)

It's also why I am so passionate about beginning to grow, and make, my own things.  Because I know what's in them.  After fasting for a period of time from certain foods, and then reintroducing them (sometimes by sheer accident), we finally began to figure out what exactly is triggering the majority of symptoms in my body.  And it all stems on the foods I've been eating.

Which started the research and documentary journey I've been on.  I have another doctor's appointment to be scheduled this coming week...and we have no idea what the doc is going to say...it's another blood lab work, so...I'm hoping that it's going to show a difference, especially since I tossed the medication away over a month ago because it was causing my blood pressure to go up to 170/99.  Yes, you read that right.  All within 2 WEEKS.

So, if you start seeing a lot of research being posted on my FB feed, organic recipes, DIY things, you know why now.  Eric and I are refusing to give up, and are continuing to battle this thing.  I've slowly become passionate about what I've put in my body, and am learning to be just a little more aware of things.

No, Eric and I haven't given up some stuff.  We still have the occasional bout of going out to eat, or my "cravings", but I'm slowly learning that in order to feel good, and to beat what's going on inside my body...it's going to take some pretty drastic measures.

So, let the search for farm fresh produce begin.  And a good juicer... :)

The Story of Us........11/10/13

A few people (cough cough...many people...cough cough) have been wanting to know the story of how my husband and I met.  How we got together.  The story of...uh...us.  (Notice the title, anyone?? :) )

So, I thought what better way to go about this than on the www.  lol  No, seriously.  It's easier to tell this story once, versus 30 times.  In a row.  To all different people.  Who all want to know.

Here is the story of us.  Which I'm kinda glad my hubby is off at church while I get ready for our photo shoot session.  It gives me some time to think, reflect, and miss the heck outta this man.  (Not to mention the unfairness of men only needing, like, 30 minutes to get ready and dressed.  I need a good solid two hours, plus more if I'm gonna do fingers and toes.  Like, seriously, who thought of these rules and standards for having to get this dolled up, and then making it to where it takes FOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR to do it?!?!....sorry.....end rant now....)

Okay, so, back to the story.

In March/April 2013, during my quiet time, I kept hearing the Lord tell me it was time to go back to the whole dating scene thing.  And not just any dating scene.  Back to....OMGAREYOUFORREAL?!...online dating.  To which I told Him, in all quite frank honest, "Hell no."  Just like that.  No joke.  (For those of you Christian people who would be shocked, I'm sorry.  Please get over your shockiness.  In my quiet time, it's no holds barred, flat out tell it like it is, whether it's joyful, fearful, happy or sad, the secret place is a place to get real.  And if I'm to treat Him like my best friend, well, let's be honest.  I've got a bit of the ghetto in me. *wink wink*)  I then not only told Him no, I told Him no several times.  I wasn't going to do it.  Not after the fiasco of...um...the man who shall be left nameless.  (Eric calls him the jerk.)

Here I am, in my room, and I hear Him tell me to try E-Harmony.  Again, in my head, I'm also thinking, ummm...noooo.....I just...can't....  And then, I ignore that prompting, and live life onwards and upwards.

Fast forward to May/June 2013.  I again hear the prompting of signing up for E-harmony.  To which, after hearing it a bit more, uh, insistently, I tell the Lord...  (yeah...I know...the audacity...  But I am sooooo thankful that He meets us not only where we are at, but isn't easily offended at my, um, bumbling way of approaching things at times.)

Okay, so, I tell the Lord that in order for me to sign up for E-Harmony, a few things needs to happen:

1. I need to be able to afford it financially.  (Which, at the time, I couldn't.)
2. Before I even subscribe, I wanted 3 men to send me icebreakers showing that there was at least SOME interest in me before I put myself out there to the world.
3. I wouldn't do it if the above 2 weren't completely met.

And then, He did the unthinkable....He whispered something in my ear that made my eyes go all big, my jaw drop, and my tummy get the butterflies.  He whispered that this, was, it.  To which my response was, "Um.  No.  It's not.  I'll believe it when it happens."  But in my heart, growing like a tiny little seedling, was that seed of faith that someone had planted so many years ago.  The Word that I had gotten when I was 18 years old.

Well, I then go to the website, and I do the whole profile thing.  And as I'm doing my profile, guess what pops up in a lovely, bright box but...."Get 3 months for the price of 1."  No. Freaking.  Joke.  To which my eyes got real big like, and then I whispered, out loud, in a panic, "BUT YOU HAVEN'T MET THE OTHER REQUIREMENT YET!!  THIS FAT LADY AIN'T SINGING YET!!!!!!!"  (Yeah, not even my hubby knew that one. lol  There are just some parts of my conversation I keep real quiet like about my quiet times. lol  Probably because I really do tend to talk to Him like I talk to my best friends.  Let's be honest, if I can't be real with my God, the One who created me, who can I really be real, honest and raw with?!)

So I wait.  And within 2-3 days, I LITERALLY get three icebreakers sent my way.  Yes, exactly, THREE.  No more.  No less.  So I start looking at their profiles (mind you, I still haven't subscribed, because, well, I'm stubborn.), seeing if I like what's heading my way.  I read the first one, and was, ehhhh....  I read the second one, and respond back.  Or at least try to.  But I can't.  Because I haven't signed up yet.  And then...(my hubby can tell you the exact date.)  I read the 3rd one.  And as I start reading through the profile, I let out a gasp.  My heart leaps and jumps.  And His still, small voice comes into play: "This is the one."

I read the profile a second time.  A third.  A fourth.  Mind you, I haven't seen a picture of this man AT ALL.  All I can judge him by is his words.  And I'm liking what I'm reading.  And my heart pounds.  And I go to PB and tell her about this guy.  And that....dare I say it....I'm signing up....for E-Harmony.  AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Once I sign-up, I respond back to this "Eric" person.

And he responds.  Sends me 3 multiple choice questions.  I respond.  He sends me his must haves/can't stands; I send mine.  Then, he does the unthinkable...sends me 3 questions that I ONLY HAVE 1000 CHARACTER LIMITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For this talker, this is...TORTURE.  I despise the system at this point.  And it takes me THREE HOURS to condense my response to 1000 characters or less.  Because, I am EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!  I'm desperately trying not to get my hopes up, but I keep hearing His voice directing, guiding, leading.

I follow on.

The next step, after all of this, is email communication within the system.  So it's still secure.  No harm done.  No personal info required.  yaay

Well, we communicate and email, back and forth, for several days, multiple hours in a day.  This man makes me laugh with his words.  Makes me guess, think, question, look through scripture.  And every day I feel myself falling a bit more.  And I've only seen a few pictures of him.  (Which, later on, realized that NONE of them did him justice, by the way.  Sorry, honey.)

And then...he does the unthinkable...   But only after I tell him that I'm meeting MC for coffee one night.  He tells me HE wants to have coffee with ME.  Say whaaattt?!?!  He doesn't know this, but I had a mini-heart attack right there on  the spot.  OMGHEWANTSTOMEETMENOOOOOOOOOOOO.  (Okay, so I realize that my self-image and self-confidence still needs quite a bit of work at times....)

My response: "I'd love to have coffee with you.  Just let me know when and where."  <---HA  Further proof I can pretend I'm cool, calm & collected. :)  man, I'm good!! lol

We make plans to meet at an IHOP near the two of us.  And in between the times, we are texting back and forth.  And he makes me laugh.  Makes me think.  And sends me scriptures.

We meet.  We laugh.  And we spend FIVE HOURS talking to each other on our "date".  We go from IHOP to HEB, and all the way we are talking.  And neither one of us wants to end it, but we have to, 'cause I have to be at work at the crack of freakin' dawn.

And...we're both comfortable.

So, we continue texting.  And the more we get to know each other, the more that we are slowly tuned towards each other.  (I hate the word falling in this aspect, but for lack of better terminology, this may be what you get for right now.)  We talk about our beliefs, our values, morals...everything.  Nothing is held back.

And a response of his that I still remember to this day, "Every objection I could possibly have, God has taken it in your life and showed His blessings and grace.  It just makes you more and more desirable for courtship."  OMG did my heart just go all googly-eyed on that one.  (I am such a girly sap! lol)

You see, he had NO IDEA what the Word was that was given to me when I was 18.  Some of you do.  I've told you.  I still have it written down.  "The first man to ask to court you will be your husband."  I've held on to that word for many, many years.  And had slowly started to give up on it.  Through tears, anger, rage, battles, and seasons of no romantic thoughts whatsoever; through being asked in the secret place if I was willing to give up any thought of marriage and remain single...this word was still there, just waiting, being planted, watered, growing, pruning....  What a faithful Abba Father I have.

And then fast forward, to one fateful evening, at REALLY LATE FOR THE BOTH OF US night.  I had an anxiety attack.  In the middle of my conversation, on the phone, with Eric.  Over some outside circumstances that were happening that didn't involve me one iotta.  And his response: you haven't eaten dinner; come over, meet at IHOP; let me buy you dinner; be safe.

I drive up to his apartment complex on my way to swing by and pick him up (hey...fair exchange for dinner and dealing with all the drama of me), and there is this knock on the window.  I roll my window down, and he presents me with a single red rose and the following words: "I wanted to get you something to make you smile through the bad."  And I desperately try to compose myself.  Even now, tears are in my eyes and I try to be, uh, somewhat normal....  (as my husband says, it's allergies...)

My smile is a mile wide.  This is the first time I've received flowers from a man.  I...wow....just....I can't stop smiling.

We drive to IHOP.  And he lets me talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And because we have a certain rule between the two of us, he laid out a notebook, Bible and pen between the two of us.  And we continue to talk.  And read scripture to each other.  And discuss scripture.  And I begin to tell him bits and pieces of my testimony.  Not everything.  Just...the important parts to help him understand why my reaction was so horrific to this outside circumstance.

(Now, for this next part, you have to understand our rule of having no cell phones out while we are with each other.  We only saw each other once a week, Sundays....so...we didn't want technology to interfere with our times together.)

Anywho...

He stops me, pulls out his phone, scrolls down and asks me to read something.

It was a text conversation between him and his best friend (well, one of them).  It went something like this:

EF:  Please pray.  Alex is driving down.  She's really upset about something, so I told her to come down, eat and talk it out.

RB: Okay.  Will do.  Praying for both of you.

EF: R____, I believe that I'm falling in love with this woman of God.  (that sentence is NOT paraphrased)  The more that we talk, God is showing me in every way just how amazing she is.  The more I get to know her, the more that I love her.  He keeps showing me His hand in this every step of the way.  Through all of my objections, I keep seeing and hearing that she is the one that He has for me.

As soon as I read that first sentence, my hand goes up to my mouth, and I gasp.  I start trembling.  And shaking.  And my eyes start filling up.  And I look at him, and just look.

He puts his phone away again very calmly I might add.  And then says:

"Alex, I am falling in love with you.  You are amazing.  And the more that I know you, the more that I am falling in love with you.  Will you give me permission to court you?"

To which I respond, with both hands to my mouth now, and nod repeatedly.  And not stop smiling.  He then goes, "So, is that a yes?"

I take my hands off my mouth and gasp out a pathetic yes. lol  And I still can't stop smiling.

(Even now, typing this out, my eyes are once again filled with tears.  And I can't stop smiling.  And my heart is pounding.  How I love this man so.)

I then go back home, and leave this message, written with sharpie, on a napkin, by the coffee machine where my roommate can read it, "He asked to court me tonight!"  (or some version of that)

And thus began our courtship.  In June.  About 2-3 weeks after we were matched on E-Harmony.

We knew where this was heading.  We acknowledged it.  We told our accountability partners.  And we continued to pray.  And he would text me, "Good morning, beautiful."  every morning.  And he would call me on the weekends with, "Good morning, beautiful".  And we chose to not kiss, or even hold hands.  But to not allow the physical stuff to get in the way of getting to know each other.  (Neither one of us wanted that temptation to be even more expounded and difficult.)

And then, July hit.

After discussing with the bro & sis, and after praying about it, I decided to ask for some days off and head up to NM w/ him to meet his two best friends getting married.  (to each other, in case anyone needs clarification on that one...)

Our first road trip together, after only knowing each other for maybe 3 weeks.  maybe a month.

Major discussion happened on that trip.  A lot of tears.  A lot of sharing.  But also, a lot of laughs.

And a lot of being spoiled by this man.  Who took me to the dinosaur museum.  And bought me a project to do w/ my kiddos.  And let me gasp and ohhh and ahhhh.  And didn't mind that I let all of my science nerdiness out in full force, in public.  And who actually joined in the nerdiness.

And we both realized....the beginning of the end....of our singleness season....

I loved his best friends.  And miss them terribly as they live far away.  But we knew that this courtship was heading into marriage.  We just didn't know the timeline of it all.  (By the way...during this trip was the first time that we held hands, if I remember correctly...)

So fast forward.  July 2013.  And just two months into our courtship, we finally decide to head to my church to check it out (my old church, that is...).  We're in the parking lot outside the apartments, and I start dusting off his shirt due to cat hair or some such, and I tell him to turn around.  And he says, hold on, as I'm trying to grab his shoulder to turn around...

And then he bends down on one knee, in a beautiful cool morning (okay, cool for Texas summers), with quiet all around, sunshine blazing, birds singing, and nobody at all around us), and asks, "Will you do me the honor of marrying me and becoming my wife?"

To which I respond, once again, with hands to mouth and nodding. LOL  I am HORRIBLE at spontaneous reactions. LOLOLOL

I say yes, he puts on the ring, and I hug this man til I can't hug no more.

The ring is beautiful.  And the only piece of jewelry that I wear, and miss, when it's not on my finger.

So, we begin planning for a December wedding.  The day after I get out of work, actually.  So that way I have Christmas break for our honeymoon, and I'm not having to worry about work, and he can take his vacation time, etc.

Anywho...

Fast forward.  Add some drama to my life.  And then a double dose of more drama.  Now a triple dose.

And we pray.  And seek counsel.  And pray some more, together.

I don't want to wait.  I'm ready.  I don't want to deal w/ the stress of planning this wedding.  (For stressed I most certainly am...just ask the three people who were helping me try to plan this wedding.  Many, many tears were involved, and it was only in the beginning stages.)  Not only that, but other things were going down in my life.  And I didn't want to wait.  I've waited so long for this man.  I've waited 12 years for this man.

And, I realize.  I'm ready.  I...really....am....ready.  I don't want the hype.  The pomp.  Or anything else.  I want...quiet.  And peace.  And....to have time to enjoy.

So we decide to quietly elope.  (What every woman thinks about, is what I've been told.)  And we have a dear friend of his witness and lead us into this new season together.  Eric, I and God.  What I wanted to begin with.  What I longed for with all of my heart.

And what most of you don't know, was that was two weeks before we did the courthouse proceedings.  So, I've technically been married twice. :) lol  FB only got to see those pics.  :)  And Eric and I now joke that I get more presents in the month of August: 2 anniversary dates, and my birthday. lol  I really do like presents...and I love giving those random ones too!

So, that's the story of us.

How we met.  Became in love.  And married.

With no regrets.  I love this man.  I...can no longer imagine life without this man by my side.  He supports me, strengthens me, encourages me, and holds me when I break down.  He is gentle, kind, strong, weak (his reliance on the Lord...just...amazes this stubborn me so much).  He is everything I have been praying for for so long.

And to think...

I almost gave in to the counterfeit.  I almost settled with something that was so very less than the best He had for me.

Now that you know the story of us, if you want to come celebrate with us, let me know.  We'd love to have you.  We'd love for you to be a very special part of our very unique family.

Why?

Because He has placed me in a new family now.  A family that I have longed for, prayed for.  (omg I'm seriously crying buckets right now)  He has taken what this orphan heart, and has filled it with so much joy, peace, happiness.  He has made me new.

And as I sit and type this, with tears pouring down my face, and sobs chocking out my mouth, I cannot convey just how truly blessed I am.  To have each and every one of my spiritual family to be a part of this.  To realize just how each of you have encouraged me, and continue to do so.  You all have been a part of this journey with me.  You have seen me, watched me, helped mold and shape me, helped to grow me up and strengthen me.  And I would never have been able to go on this journey of "us" if it wasn't for every single one of you.

And I am thankful and so very grateful to you.  My heart is overflowing.  For those near.  And for those far away.

Every. single. one. of. you. played a part in this.

I cannot stress this enough.

And to my new family.  The new ones that have taken me in as their own.

Paul.  Rachel.  Pops & Peg.

You all have no idea just how much you've filled the hole in my heart.  (and yes, I'm sobbing once again.)  A hole that so many didn't know was there.  Except for the few I allowed in.  How my heart has been crying out for family.  For...something that has been so hard to explain.

To see so many around me, and yet to feel so far apart.  To only realize now that I have a family who has taken me in.  And encouraged.  And...just....I so wish I could explain this better.  But just know that you all have no idea just how much you mean to me.

And for those of you all who are my extended spiritual family, my real family in my eyes, who have stuck with me through so much...the counselling, the anger and rages, the going out to parks and beating trees up with measly sticks....who have sat at park benches in nasty humidity and let me talk and pour out my heart, who called me every holiday, or texted me, knowing that I hated holidays...to those of you who have witnessed my deliverance, my kicking the cocoon and emerging into this gorgeous butterfly, or flower if you hate butterflies....to those of you who have given me words, encouraged me, spoke your mind, and called me out on my crap....to those of you who have NEVER given up on me when so many times I gave up on myself...

Thank you.

It's because of you all that I'm sitting here, typing as my husband is at church, sitting here getting ready for our photo shoot session for our pictures.

It's because of you, your prayers, your words.

It's because of you that I waited.  It's because of you that I didn't end my life during those very, very dark times when all I wanted was to commit suicide.  It was because of you that I held on to the promises that were given to me.  It was because of you that God showed me the meaning of what being in His family is.  It was because of each one of you that I never lost hope, when everything around me seemed so hopeless.  In the darkest of seasons, in the darkest of the storms, you never let me go; you held on; you hugged me; you let me cry on your shoulder; you cried with me, and mourned with me; you wiped the tears off my face and handed me tissues.

So.

Thank you.

I love you.

And I hope every single one of you will be able to come celebrate this thankful heart for all that you have done for me.

In Him,
Alex

AAAGGGHHH

So it's been a few months since I've written anything.  I have no idea why. Maybe because life has changed drastically for me, & all for the better. 

Let's recap, shall we?  June met my husband,  July got engaged.  August got married & moved. And opened up a new program with my job. And saw the most busiest and hectic school yr of my wking life.

Not only that, but wked the entire summer with no break, including a rm that no one wanted to be in.  But one that I loved.  (They'll always be my babies no matter how big they get or how bad they behave.)

So. Yeah. Life has been crazy hectic. Not to mention having to deal with the numerous rumors & gossip of the whole reason why I got married.  *insert eye roll*  So, bear with me as I clear up some things and answer others today.

1. No, I am not pregnant nor was I ever pregnant,  resulting in why I got married.  If you thought that before,  shame on you for not knowing me as well as you thought.

2. The reason I kept quiet: okay peeps. By definition,  the nature of an elopement is quietness.  For once in my adult life,  I wanted to keep certain things to myself.  It was quite lovely to be able to have time to adjust and to not have the whole world know my business.  If that offends you, I am sorry. But after talking with the hubby, I realize I shouldn't have to apologize for that. This decision was made between he and I, as we are the ones sharing covenant together,  & it was fully made with his backing & knowledge.  Now with that being said,  the quietness was more for my sanity than anything else.  Eric & I took that time to just...be. Something that we both are immensely glad for right now.

3. Why I've been so quiet lately...  It isn't because I don't want to hang. I do. I just don't have the time, energy or capacity to right now.  This is where I have had to draw a line. I am choosing to invest in my marriage and my husband.  For all my married friends, I sincerely owe you an apology.  I had no idea how hard it is/was to juggle friendship maintenance and married life demands. And I judged you all on how you kinda threw me under the bus, per se, when you got married.  I never said anything,  but I am soooo sorry. It's hard trying to do all of 'this', & I have much to learn from those who have found a good balance.  Teach me please!!!!

4. For those that have stuck by me, thank you. So much has been happening in my personal life.  & I thank you for listening to me, & praying with me.  And for pouring in to me. You have no idea how much that has lifted my spirit and helped during the drama of the month. Thank you!

Now, I hope you didn't think that I'd end it just there.  The one thing that I can say without a doubt is that my Abba is good, & He is faithful.  As I'm learning to surrender and lay down my life for this ministry called marriage,  I can tell you so much I have already learned, both from the Mama & from my husband.  (Thanks Lynn for coffee dates!)  I am always astounded at my husband's love for me, & his willingness to sacrifice and speak into not just me, but the people and kids I work with.  What an amazing blessing I was given the day I said 'I do'. (& yes, honey, that includes the puns in the middle of Wal-Mart.) 

So, in closing,  know that each day has been ones of battles fought,  victories earned, & humbling myself to learn from some of the most amazing people around me.  It has been an honor and a privilege to walk with some of you. And to know that the best is yet to come!!! :)

Until next time,  my friends.  :)

Oh. Expect an e-vite & fb msg soon from me on a celebration party in December! : D

8 months...& forgetting it!

Well, by now, everyone's used to me posting my monthly progress reports of weight loss and such.

Well, this month, I can't do it.

Probably because I haven't really stepped on a scale in, well, awhile.  I've been busy. :)

With an amazing man in my life.  Who is my fiance!!!! OMG YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!  *happy dance ensues*

I could tell you about everything that is happening now, has happened, and is continuing to happen, but I think for now, I'm going to keep all of that private except for the few.

Just know...I'm not ignoring you all.  I'm just...once again...working on other things.  But I'll be most definitely glad to be back in the groove of things come the start of a new school year!  I'm counting down the days already!!!! :D

With that being said, until another time when I can spend more than a few minutes.

Ohh....and I know...most everyone wants to know the story of us.

Well, you're gonna have to wait.  Working on the website now.  Chill out, read a good book, and wait. ;)  It'll be worth it.  Trust me!  LOTS of God moments in it all. :)

Oh...and to answer EVERYONE'S question...yes, we have a date already set.  No, I'm not ready to share it yet (those who need to know, know).  And, though I love so many of you, we are choosing to have a private ceremony, with an OPEN reception.  Once the details get finalized, I promise I'll share. :)

Seriously?!?....6-26-13

Okay...so this is all verbal vomit.  I apologize now.  I sincerely do.  But if you don't want to read on, don't.  Fair warning...words won't be nearly as pretty this time 'round.

Sooo....

Getting a contact text message, and other contact stuff, from a previous person from my past...Yeah, not so much.  Yeah.  You know.  The same person who attempted marriage proposal through text.  The same person who...okay...I really really really need to just leave it at that.

Guy, what in the world were you thinking?!  I've moved on.  It doesn't include you.  I'd apologize for that, but frankly, I don't feel the necessity to.

I dealt with the fall-out from you.  And my gosh was there fall-out from you.  And I didn't even realize it til AFTER I dealt with it.  The emotional manipulation.  The...wanting to control, to trying to make you the center of my universe.  Yeah.  No.  Oh hell no.  Sooooo not happening.  Sorry.  I already had one man in my life try and do that.  I'm not about to willingly enter into another one.  I refuse to allow myself to be abused once again.  NOT HAPPENING.

And yes.  I am royally pissed.  Pissed at the enemy.  Pissed at this man who thinks it's okay, after months, to just waltz back into my life and pick up as if nothing ever happened.

No. freakin'. way.

I refuse.

Just...AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.  So, my response to this:  (copied directly from my text message, minus a few details like names, etc.)

"Alex!??"

"Hello..."

"Ru alex???"

"Yes...I'm sorry.  Who is this?"  (okay...in my defense...stupid now I realize...since all of my parents from work have my number, I never know when I'll be contacted for my primary job...it's happened this late before, especially if there are...special circumstances...with my kiddos)

" (insert man's name here)"

"Ohhh.  Okay."  (I may be wordy, but what the heck do you expect me to say, when I had no clue and you freakin' came out of the woodworks like a cockroach.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!)

"Wow not the response I hoped for..."  (Again, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!?!??!?!??!?!  I take back my original statement from fb.  Boys are weird.  Now, I know there are exceptions, like EF, and DM, and BT, and...okay, you get the point.  But still.  Did you expect me to jump for joy and be yippee!! ?!?!  Um, no thank you.)

"...I don't know how to respond.  Except to be as truthful as possible.  It's been a really long time since I've heard from you.  And during that time, I met an amazing man...."

And I promise, there's a reason why I'm typing all of this out, even if most of it first began in anger.  (I've calmed down as I've typed.)

That last statement from me...

...was all true.  I have met an amazing man.  He is a man who is pursuing God with all he knows how.  He is a man who makes me dig in the word daily when he sends me scriptures in the morning and makes me have to think and ponder those things.  He is a man who understands boundaries, and has been so very careful with my heart.  He is a man who is...in a nutshell...absolutely amazing.

I know.  I sound...sappy.  Yes, I realize this.  And I'm okay with this.  This is probably the only time you'll ever hear me announce to the world, at this point, how amazingly sappy I am.  So, get over it.  You'll be okay.

I've not only moved on.  I've realized just how wrong that person was.  That, if I had allowed myself to choose him, I would have settled for something that was so not God's best.  And I thank those friends who put up so many red flags in front of my face.  I thank them for seeing those things which I couldn't, because of my own woundings.

And now that He has been healing me and setting me free, allowing my wings to expand, my petals to bloom into something amazing and beautiful...

It's at this time how clearly I can see just how amazing my Abba is.  To answer such a call of my heart.  To know...that I'm being pursued...by an AMAZING man.  And that this journey has not only been one of discovering, but of growing.  Of learning to release my fears and allowing Him to capture my heart even more to His.

And I can't help but get this amazingly goofy grin on my face.  Why?  Because I'm not only happy.  I'm not only joyful.

I realize...I'm finally being set free.

And that in order to get to that point, I had to go through all of this.  Every.  Single.  Bit.

And I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm learning to be grateful for the junk, the crap, the heartache, the tears, and yeah, even the anger.  Each of those...has made me who I am, in some form, fashion and shape.  And I can't help but rejoice at just how amazing He is making me to be.

And I have to admit...having this amazing man speaking amazing things over me...has helped.  More than I could probably tell him to his face.  (surprise!!! lol)  Because I take those things, and ponder them, and allow that part of my heart to go, "oh.  wow.  He...likes me...  He...really...likes...me."

And not for what I could do for him, what I could give him, or because I could fulfill some need in him.

But he likes me...for me.  For who I am.  He sees my heart, my character, and...is amazed.

And I've gotta admit, I'm amazed back.

So, welcome to the new journey I'm on.  It's one that's been coming for a long while.

The journey of discovering...the pursuit. :)

(And for my nosey rosey friends, that's about the only update you're gonna get on this, so soak it in real good.)

Let the typing begin.....6-24-13

I know.  I should be in bed by now.  (On a random note, the time is 11:11.  The number 11 stands for deliverance & judgment.  Numbers together means double portion.)  I've seen those numbers a lot.  Like, a lot a lot lately.

Anywho...

I was thinking tonight.  Dangerous thing that.  As much as I can laugh things off, it's in the quiet places where my mind begins to piece different things together.  When I can finally sit in the quiet, in the secret, and really think.  It's also when MC asks me those open-ended questions that I have no choice but to answer, and not shy away from or hide.  You know the ones.  The ones that make you cringe because you know you have to really sit and examine not only your heart, but your emotions as well.

Tonight's been one of those nights.  And it actually started before talking with her.  Before talking with EF.  Just...before.  At 4:26am to be exact.  No, even further than that.  At 3:00am when I woke up "randomly".  *snorts*  There's no random in my life anymore.  Everything happens for a purpose.

Anywho...

Just...thinking...  On a lot of things.  A lot has been on my heart and my mind, and I'm realizing just how hard it is for me to share them.  Some of them I'm willing to, but others, others....others stay real close to my heart.  Not to be let out except for in the quiet of the night.  And mostly because I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining this.  I wouldn't know how to explain it.  Words...aren't necessarily my forte when it comes to my emotions.  It's easier for me to show you than it is for me to say it.

Thoughts like:
1. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew, and was better at it.  Because I feel like a complete failure when it comes to this.

2. Running scared.  When things hit me, they hit me hard.  And all I want to do sometimes is pack my things, throw my hands in the air, and run.  I just...there's been so many emotions lately, that sometimes, all I can do is shout out, JESUS!!, in the hopes that I don't become snowballed under everything.  No one's fault but my own when I don't verbalize what I'm needing/feeling, and I should. *sigh*  See #1.

3. I desperately long for a hug.  Just one, giant, massive, big hug.  Why?  Because I can feel all of my insecurities beginning to pour out.  And it's not pretty.  It's messy, this life.  It's messy, doing life period.  And for most of my day, all I really want is someone to say, "I've got this."  Instead of me having to constantly fight the battle of perfectionism that I tend to veer towards when in unknown situations.  I miss those days when PT would look at me, and immediately knew if I needed a hug.  The arms would open wide, and I'd actually walk quite rapidly into them.  Strange for me, I know.  (Hey, physical touch boundaries...)  And remember always feeling safe, that no matter, even if that person knew every bad thing about me, I'd always be welcome in their arms.  Or being able to walk up at random moments, and say, "I need a hug," and arms would come around me.  I...miss that, frankly.  I miss being able to do that.  Which is, again, weird for me.  I can see just how far He has taken me when it comes in this area.  I never thought I'd ever say I miss physical touch when it comes to hugs.  But I've had an excellent spiritual family who's done nothing but love on me through hugs, so I guess it makes sense. :)

Even with all of that, I know one thing.

The goodness of God still amazes me.

Always has.
Always will.

So, I'll go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that no matter what, my perfect peace and safe harbor is in Jesus Christ, my rock and my redeemer.  My strength and fortress in times of need.

And I remember...

I'll not only be okay.
I'll come out shining in the end.

And on my lips at the end of nights like this, all I can say is, Thank You, Jesus.  Thank You that YOU are my all in all.  I rely on You and You alone.

And then I say, "More Lord.  More."