...this mouth speaks. :)
You know, I should really be in bed right now. But, I can't seem to. Once again, I'm extremely wired and excited. And I blame it all on God...in a good way. :P
I had the amazing privilege to sit and talk with the bestie via phone date tonight, and she let me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. (Oh my gosh, thanks for that!) For an hour, I just got to share everything that's been on my heart and my mind, something that I've been needing to do for awhile now. I've been keeping quite a bit of things quiet on the home front, and I'm okay with that. :) There's been so much transition that's been going on, with work, with life, with spiritual things. I just...if I could attempt to put everything onto this blog, I'd be sitting here for over 2 hours. I reeeaaaaalllllyyyyy don't want to be here that long.
The biggest thing in my life has been the changes that I've noticed in me spiritually. As tough as that race was in May (see previous blog about Spartan Race/Biggest Loser RunWalk), I know that something shifted in me spiritually. Something broke in me that I have been waiting for so long to finally let go of. And ever since that day, the glow in my heart has been getting stronger.
As the roommate put it (and if I butcher your words, sorry Ms. P!), it's like the Lord has been working on my foundations to strengthen them, and now that they've been strengthened, He's begun to build up the wall that surrounds the foundation, creating an ever stronger structure. ME! :)
I can see how that's happening, and it all starts with the people He has surrounded me with. Too numerous to mention, yet each one of you plays a special part in my life, and you never even realize! From hugs, to words of encouragement, to spending time with me, to talking with me...all I can say is, I am so very much grateful that He's placed you in my life. Thanks for that. :)
Another change that has come about has been mentally. I no longer walk in fear of certain...things. I am walking with an excitement, looking towards the future and asking, "Abba Father, what do You have for me?" Or just looking up at Him in the mornings and smiling, knowing that it's been another night without nightmares (minus one last night...but it doesn't count...because it was weird...and I didn't like it...). It's also been a bit, umm..., easier?! to capture my thoughts in the area of struggles and temptations, especially when it comes to past addictions. It's been a bit crazy just to realize how swiftly I've come to recognize a thought as contrary to the Word, then going, "No! I refuse to entertain you! You have no right or entrance into my thought life, and I choose the Word .....(insert verse here of what's needed at the time)." I never thought this day would come. To finally be on the VICTORS side of this battle. Yes, I still know I'll have days. But you know what?! My victorious days have far out-weighed the bad days, and I will rejoice in that. And I've gotta thank D & M for the constant accountability, and the glared looks *cough cough* when I'm NOT walking in the Word! lol (By the way, D can give some serious glared looks...makes me shrink every time! lol)
And lastly, the 3rd change. Physically. As someone said it earlier this past weekend, the weight on my shoulders has lifted off. I've been walking in so much more freedom. And the more freedom I've walked in, the more the weight has come off. The more that I don't long to hide anymore, but I look forward to blooming, to seeing where God wants me to be. And I am absolutely thrilled! I have waited for this moment for so long. (yay, the tears are coming now) The knock down drag out fights with God, the anger, the tears, the ripping open of wounds, the displaying of all the crap for others to see when/as needed...this all to serve a purpose. To get me to this place of freedom. And though this journey has been one of the toughest for me, I cannot say that I regret it. Because I don't. I'm...thankful. I'm...thankful...for EVERYTHING that's happened. The good. The bad. The ugly. I am truly thankful. Not because it was right. But because without it, I wouldn't be who I am, or where I am, that I am now. (That was a Dr. Seuss moment there! ha) My past, my mistakes, my struggles, my trials, my temptations, my battles...my victories, my scars, my healings...all of this has made me to exactly who I am today.
And it's allowed me to realize some things...
1. I am loved beyond measure.
I know that He loves me. But not only does HE love me, but others do too. It didn't really think they did. Why? Because I always thought I wasn't worthy to be loved. I wasn't worthy of love. I didn't, couldn't, deserve it. Even though others told me they loved me, I always secretly called them liars in my heart. But, by golly, you peeps hung on to me. You never let me forget just how much I am loved. I see it via facebook, text messages, phone calls... I see it when you hug me extra long, even when Idon't didn't want it. I see it when you cry with me, when you laugh with me, when you hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay. I see it when you dance with me, when you smile at me, when you let me put my head on your shoulder because you're taller and know I'm tired. I see it every time, and I never thanked you all for that. So, thank you. God's been breaking the uglies off of me, and I can see, I'm turning out to be quite beautiful.
2. I am wanted.
Yet another struggle. Who'd want me? It all goes back to #1. And despite everything, there's many of you who have made me realize just how wanted I am. You all have no idea just how much you've saved my life. At moments when I contemplated harming myself, your pictures would flash through my eyes, and I'd realize...it's not worth it. Thank you for hanging on during the tough, crazy seasons. Thank you for talking me off ledges, for holding me in your arms and letting me weep in them when I had no words to say what I was feeling. Thank you for being my mothers, my fathers, my brothers, my sisters. Thank you so much. (ohmygolly I'm a freakin' water bucket tonight!)
3. I am free.
I....yeah. Just...how to describe? Knowing that freedom is...amazing? That I don't doubt. And I've got to thank some special people for that too. Because you all hung on to the vision of my freedom, even when I no longer could see how it was possible. You were there when I had to set boundaries, had to do the hard stuff, when I snot ragged everywhere, when I had to leave because I couldn't hold in my tears. You were there when I needed hugs, hands, arms, hearts. You were there when all I could do was look at you all with tears in my eyes, shake my head, and hide behind my hands because I was too ashamed to say the words. You were there when you began to see the freedom breaking out, the healing beginning, and the wounds being healed. You were there. And I thank you. I thank you for carrying that vision, that mantle, those words, spoken over me. I thank you so very much for NEVER giving up on me, when I was so ready to quit on myself.
And two very special people I thank in my life. One for teaching me all of the above, and yet walking out her own amazing journey. She has believed in me from the beginning, stuck by me through all the junk, and refused to allow me to retreat and surrender, even when she had to drag me by my very short hair. She made sure I went to every counseling appointment (by making sure I didn't cancel! lol), then waited patiently for me as I spewed everything on her. She was there through deliverance, through healing, through freedom, through struggles, through rough patches, through anger and madness and depression. And not once did she ever leave my side. But instead, she stuck even closer. She became my sister. My family. My very own female Jonathon. Thank you, Mari.
The second, to a man who has taught me that not only am I precious, but I'm special. Who makes fun of me because he loves me. Who taught me it's not nice to hit boys. Who taught me how to believe in myself, because he believed in me. Who listened to my ramblings, who counseled me when it came to guys. Who answered every single one of my questions about guys, and never flinched. Who made me laugh at myself and my mistakes. Who spoke strong words when needed, was quiet when needed, and who stuck up for me, and made sure I stuck up for myself. Who helped me learn what setting boundaries is. Who made me then stick to those damn boundaries. Who taught me to say no, who taught me to respect what I want and need. Who still teaches me, and never even realizes it. Who always answers my text replies for hugs with a smiley. Who lets me buy random presents and bring them to show that always make me laugh if I know they're "him". Who meets me for monthly dinners because I miss our random conversations. He became my big brother. My family. A man I greatly respect and regard highly. Thank you, Daniel.
And for the rest of you, I love you all too. I haven't forgotten about you. As a matter of fact, each one of your faces is flashing before my eyes. I see you, and smile, and remember just those ways I am so very grateful for you. And it excites me to know that life is still happening, still doing. And it's good.
And before the 'rents feel left out...to the spiritual parents in my life. Who've slapped me upside the head with truth and Word. Who've held me, hugged me, tucked me into their arms and let me sob it all out. Who've teased me unmercifully. Who've talked me off ledges. Who've walked me out of tight spots. Who've prayed over me, with me, for me. Who've seen all of my junk in its ugliest forms, and never flinched, judged or laughed. Instead, they loved me, poured into me, saw me, acknowledged me, and then began to call out in me the God-awesomeness they saw in me. They never stopped believing in me, for me. And I love them so very much. (ugh! More tears!!!!) Words cannot express just how much I love and adore you in my life. And how very much I am humbled to call you parents. Thank you, Papa Treiber, Jan, Lynn and Mr. Hector. I look forward to baking many more amazing goodies for you all. :) *cough cough*
You know, I should really be in bed right now. But, I can't seem to. Once again, I'm extremely wired and excited. And I blame it all on God...in a good way. :P
I had the amazing privilege to sit and talk with the bestie via phone date tonight, and she let me talk. And talk. And talk. And talk. (Oh my gosh, thanks for that!) For an hour, I just got to share everything that's been on my heart and my mind, something that I've been needing to do for awhile now. I've been keeping quite a bit of things quiet on the home front, and I'm okay with that. :) There's been so much transition that's been going on, with work, with life, with spiritual things. I just...if I could attempt to put everything onto this blog, I'd be sitting here for over 2 hours. I reeeaaaaalllllyyyyy don't want to be here that long.
The biggest thing in my life has been the changes that I've noticed in me spiritually. As tough as that race was in May (see previous blog about Spartan Race/Biggest Loser RunWalk), I know that something shifted in me spiritually. Something broke in me that I have been waiting for so long to finally let go of. And ever since that day, the glow in my heart has been getting stronger.
As the roommate put it (and if I butcher your words, sorry Ms. P!), it's like the Lord has been working on my foundations to strengthen them, and now that they've been strengthened, He's begun to build up the wall that surrounds the foundation, creating an ever stronger structure. ME! :)
I can see how that's happening, and it all starts with the people He has surrounded me with. Too numerous to mention, yet each one of you plays a special part in my life, and you never even realize! From hugs, to words of encouragement, to spending time with me, to talking with me...all I can say is, I am so very much grateful that He's placed you in my life. Thanks for that. :)
Another change that has come about has been mentally. I no longer walk in fear of certain...things. I am walking with an excitement, looking towards the future and asking, "Abba Father, what do You have for me?" Or just looking up at Him in the mornings and smiling, knowing that it's been another night without nightmares (minus one last night...but it doesn't count...because it was weird...and I didn't like it...). It's also been a bit, umm..., easier?! to capture my thoughts in the area of struggles and temptations, especially when it comes to past addictions. It's been a bit crazy just to realize how swiftly I've come to recognize a thought as contrary to the Word, then going, "No! I refuse to entertain you! You have no right or entrance into my thought life, and I choose the Word .....(insert verse here of what's needed at the time)." I never thought this day would come. To finally be on the VICTORS side of this battle. Yes, I still know I'll have days. But you know what?! My victorious days have far out-weighed the bad days, and I will rejoice in that. And I've gotta thank D & M for the constant accountability, and the glared looks *cough cough* when I'm NOT walking in the Word! lol (By the way, D can give some serious glared looks...makes me shrink every time! lol)
And lastly, the 3rd change. Physically. As someone said it earlier this past weekend, the weight on my shoulders has lifted off. I've been walking in so much more freedom. And the more freedom I've walked in, the more the weight has come off. The more that I don't long to hide anymore, but I look forward to blooming, to seeing where God wants me to be. And I am absolutely thrilled! I have waited for this moment for so long. (yay, the tears are coming now) The knock down drag out fights with God, the anger, the tears, the ripping open of wounds, the displaying of all the crap for others to see when/as needed...this all to serve a purpose. To get me to this place of freedom. And though this journey has been one of the toughest for me, I cannot say that I regret it. Because I don't. I'm...thankful. I'm...thankful...for EVERYTHING that's happened. The good. The bad. The ugly. I am truly thankful. Not because it was right. But because without it, I wouldn't be who I am, or where I am, that I am now. (That was a Dr. Seuss moment there! ha) My past, my mistakes, my struggles, my trials, my temptations, my battles...my victories, my scars, my healings...all of this has made me to exactly who I am today.
And it's allowed me to realize some things...
1. I am loved beyond measure.
I know that He loves me. But not only does HE love me, but others do too. It didn't really think they did. Why? Because I always thought I wasn't worthy to be loved. I wasn't worthy of love. I didn't, couldn't, deserve it. Even though others told me they loved me, I always secretly called them liars in my heart. But, by golly, you peeps hung on to me. You never let me forget just how much I am loved. I see it via facebook, text messages, phone calls... I see it when you hug me extra long, even when I
2. I am wanted.
Yet another struggle. Who'd want me? It all goes back to #1. And despite everything, there's many of you who have made me realize just how wanted I am. You all have no idea just how much you've saved my life. At moments when I contemplated harming myself, your pictures would flash through my eyes, and I'd realize...it's not worth it. Thank you for hanging on during the tough, crazy seasons. Thank you for talking me off ledges, for holding me in your arms and letting me weep in them when I had no words to say what I was feeling. Thank you for being my mothers, my fathers, my brothers, my sisters. Thank you so much. (ohmygolly I'm a freakin' water bucket tonight!)
3. I am free.
I....yeah. Just...how to describe? Knowing that freedom is...amazing? That I don't doubt. And I've got to thank some special people for that too. Because you all hung on to the vision of my freedom, even when I no longer could see how it was possible. You were there when I had to set boundaries, had to do the hard stuff, when I snot ragged everywhere, when I had to leave because I couldn't hold in my tears. You were there when I needed hugs, hands, arms, hearts. You were there when all I could do was look at you all with tears in my eyes, shake my head, and hide behind my hands because I was too ashamed to say the words. You were there when you began to see the freedom breaking out, the healing beginning, and the wounds being healed. You were there. And I thank you. I thank you for carrying that vision, that mantle, those words, spoken over me. I thank you so very much for NEVER giving up on me, when I was so ready to quit on myself.
And two very special people I thank in my life. One for teaching me all of the above, and yet walking out her own amazing journey. She has believed in me from the beginning, stuck by me through all the junk, and refused to allow me to retreat and surrender, even when she had to drag me by my very short hair. She made sure I went to every counseling appointment (by making sure I didn't cancel! lol), then waited patiently for me as I spewed everything on her. She was there through deliverance, through healing, through freedom, through struggles, through rough patches, through anger and madness and depression. And not once did she ever leave my side. But instead, she stuck even closer. She became my sister. My family. My very own female Jonathon. Thank you, Mari.
The second, to a man who has taught me that not only am I precious, but I'm special. Who makes fun of me because he loves me. Who taught me it's not nice to hit boys. Who taught me how to believe in myself, because he believed in me. Who listened to my ramblings, who counseled me when it came to guys. Who answered every single one of my questions about guys, and never flinched. Who made me laugh at myself and my mistakes. Who spoke strong words when needed, was quiet when needed, and who stuck up for me, and made sure I stuck up for myself. Who helped me learn what setting boundaries is. Who made me then stick to those damn boundaries. Who taught me to say no, who taught me to respect what I want and need. Who still teaches me, and never even realizes it. Who always answers my text replies for hugs with a smiley. Who lets me buy random presents and bring them to show that always make me laugh if I know they're "him". Who meets me for monthly dinners because I miss our random conversations. He became my big brother. My family. A man I greatly respect and regard highly. Thank you, Daniel.
And for the rest of you, I love you all too. I haven't forgotten about you. As a matter of fact, each one of your faces is flashing before my eyes. I see you, and smile, and remember just those ways I am so very grateful for you. And it excites me to know that life is still happening, still doing. And it's good.
And before the 'rents feel left out...to the spiritual parents in my life. Who've slapped me upside the head with truth and Word. Who've held me, hugged me, tucked me into their arms and let me sob it all out. Who've teased me unmercifully. Who've talked me off ledges. Who've walked me out of tight spots. Who've prayed over me, with me, for me. Who've seen all of my junk in its ugliest forms, and never flinched, judged or laughed. Instead, they loved me, poured into me, saw me, acknowledged me, and then began to call out in me the God-awesomeness they saw in me. They never stopped believing in me, for me. And I love them so very much. (ugh! More tears!!!!) Words cannot express just how much I love and adore you in my life. And how very much I am humbled to call you parents. Thank you, Papa Treiber, Jan, Lynn and Mr. Hector. I look forward to baking many more amazing goodies for you all. :) *cough cough*
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