The force of joy

You know those times, when all you can do is laugh & jump & dance...when you're so joyful everything else bubbles up from that...yup. The force of joy! :)
Was driving to work after Bible Study this morning (which was really good by the way!). & just had this bubbling in my belly (spirit). All I wanted to do was dance & shout & clap & scream out my love for my Maker, my Husband, my God. & Just rejoice in all He is doing in this season. HE'S DOING SO MUCH!!!! :)
& through it all...learning how to worship & learn this amazing God I serve. & realizing, as well, just how joyful I've become. Just how MORE joyful He has made me, is making me to be.
Even in the areas where He calls me to be bold & step out in faith...the fear is gone. Just His absolute love.
What a great place to be...His arms. :) Bababababa I'm lovin' it. Hehe

And tonight, had a privilege of working with a ministry in the area of hospitality.  And meeting new people.  I had a ton of fun! :)  And I can't wait to do it all over again...as exhausted as I am right now! lol  I can tell this is where my heartbeat is.  Which always makes it fun for me! :)

Anwho...today was a great reflection on joy.  Before, I would've run around the room and kitchen like a chicken w/ no head.  And no brain.  And all stress.  Tonight, I tried to roll with the punches (hopefully it worked! lol), took everything in stride, relinquished control and just plain had fun.  Even to the point of dancing in my head.  I think at one point I did burst out into a mini song.  Or maybe that was in my head.

Anywho!  I loved it.  Every minute of it.  From prepping, to popcorn making, to sitting at the table eating (it took me awhile, but sit I did! haha).

And one thing that God showed me tonight...was how much more fun life is when joy is in the midst.  And not just fun...but how much that force of joy has to bring about the presence of God into a room and place.  And how drawn in/attracted people are when we walk in that supernatural joy.

All that to say...I'm praising my way through today! :)

And a whole 'nother thing...not quite on topic, but still learning.  Planted zinnias, like, 2-3 weeks ago, and have been impatiently waiting for them to grow.  But those seeds have been lying dormant for what seems like FOREVER!!!!  Until about 3 days ago, when all of a sudden, POP comes the first shoot, and it was HUGE compared to other seedlings I've grown.  And God spoke to me while I was impatiently waiting for my zinnias to begin to take and grow.  That I'm like these zinnias....I've been planted, and tilled, and watered, and prodded and poked and more watered, and sunshined out...and it's only been til now, til such a time as this, as He's beginning to cause me to blossom and bloom and shoot out of the soil into something beautiful.  Which goes w/ the word given to me on Monday (one that I didn't share on here).

What a cool confirmation of the word brought forth! haha

Now, good night my peeps! :)  Finally headed off to bed after a much busy yet really fun day!!! :)

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I Challenge You...Will you answer it?

Tonight, I was messed up.  Torn up.  From the inside out. And my heart just cried out to Him.  It seems every time Core Values class happens at church, another chunk of the old mindset gets ripped out and replaced with a new mind-skin.  Which can get frustrating at times.

Tonight was most definitely one of those.  It was interesting, tonight.  When one of the words given was seeing a commissioning being released onto people's shoulders...and immediately, my heart began to cry out, "Jesus, what have you called me to do?  What have you commissioned for me to do?  I don't understand.  Everything's been changing so fast.  There's so much going on.  You've taken out the old, and are trying to replace new things, new mindsets, new identity."  And on and on.  Just...struggling for a bit.  A dear friend of mine hit the head on the nail...He took out all the crap, and now I'm having to relearn how to fill it up w/ the good stuff, the healthy stuff, the God stuff.  Which isn't easy.

So, tonight, as a couple at class came and asked how I liked tonight's teaching, I just broke down and cried.  And shared what my heart was crying out.  For help in this area.  For wanting to understand what He's done in me this past 2 years.  For trying to relearn/undo/renew things/mindsets.  So, they poured into me.  Gave me several words.  Which I don't mind sharing here (it has a purpose, I promise!):

• difference maker
• servant's heart
• mountain of Son-shine
• rest in Him--no anxiety
• bulldog tenacity
• big heart

There was a bit more, but honestly, I don't remember all of it.  That was the gist of it, though.

Which lead me to another question...one that I knew no one but my Abba Father could answer.  One that I've been asking secretly in my heart, but, as the word given to me on Saturday night (oh wait...just realized I probably didn't share that yet...so, here it is:

He sees your heart, and how you've been asking for things in your heart, without ever opening your mouth.  And He hears what you've been asking Him for.  He wants you to ask Him.  He delights in giving you what you ask Him for.

The gist of that being that it was time for me to open my mouth and begin to verbalize everything that's been jumbling in my heart for a very, very long time.  Things that I only shared in writing, or while exercising...things that I had never verbalized, but knew He had heard.)

Anywho, back to the story...the one question that I've been pondering over and over and over again...

Who do YOU say I am?

I know.  Most people would be, like, "Alex, you struggle with that?!"  Well, duh.  I'm human too! LOL  I'm not some super-spiritual person that has my act together.  I can be just as messed up and screwed up as everyone else.  But thank God for His amazing grace and mercy and love!!! :)  And for new mind-skins. :)

Okay, back again to the story...

So, tonight, came home, and knew that it was time to ask that question out loud.  To finally listen to what He had to say.  You see, for a very long time, I'd ask Him the question, and think I'd actually "get it", but not really.  It was still only head knowledge.  This time, I asked Him to make it heart knowledge too.  To REALLY show me, no holds barred, who I am.

41 minutes later, 200+ calories burned, I got my answer.  And yes, I'll share that with you too. :)

• overcomer
• forerunner
• precious
• jeweled
• healed
• delivered
• unburdened
• beautiful---beauty
• extravagant lover
• worshipper
• clean--in right standing with Me
• My heart
• joy
• unsatisfied--hungry for more of Me
• challenger of the status quo
• grace

And then, He ended by telling me this one sentence, "I am safe, beloved."

The one phrase I had been waiting to hear from Him.  I had kept that part of my heart hidden...never really telling anyone how much I struggled with seeing Him as "safe".  PTL the big brother DM has been helping me with that, more probably than he even realizes...

But I finally felt a snap in my heart, an untwisting of something that was knotted in it.  It was that little girl part of my heart asking Him, "Can I trust You?  Are You a safe place for me to go, and not be hurt?"  And I got my answer.

He's safe.  He's MY safe place.

Which leads me to my challenge.  You see, that 2nd list above there, well, that's who He says I am.  Not quite what I expected! hahaha  I thought I was going to get some nice, pat Bible answers.  But instead, of gave me words that are as unique that I am.  And then told me to find them in the scriptures. LOL  Only my Abba Father would send me on a treasure hunt like that. :)

Now, comes my challenge to all of you who read this.

I challenge you...

I triple dog dare you...

To ask Him the same question that I asked Him:

Who do YOU say I am??

And then wait for an answer.  And then, post your answer as a comment, reply, whatev.

Share it.  Because I promise, others will begin to confirm what He's telling you.  It's a wonderful part of your testimony.

So, beloveds...

I look forward to seeing just what He says to you.

And know, that even now, I'm praying for each one of you...to know who you are, and who He is in you.  To change your mind-skin to what HE has to say, not what anyone else says.  To begin to see through His eyes just how special and unique you are.  And to step out in faith and boldness, and become the man and woman He has called you to be.  And I pray that you have a new understanding that I love each one of you, am praying over you, and know that I struggle just like you do.  Which makes us family in the kingdom of God. :)

Looking forward to your testimonies!! :)

Alex

BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, so I normally don't do this...but I kinda had to...'cause after awhile of thinking about this situation, I busted out laughing.  And then snorted.  And laughed some more. lol

I was accused today of stealing...of all things...bakeware.  Yes, you read that right.  Bake.  Ware.  I know.  I'm still scratching my head over this a bit.  I think because of how amazingly preposterous this seems to me.  Like...really really flabbergasted and preposterous.  Like, 4-5 months later...being accused of stealing a piece of your bakeware. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

I know. I shouldn't really laugh.  I didn't when I was first accused.  I think because it came out of the blue...and was so incredibly random to me.

If you know me, you know I'd NEVER steal.  Period.  And I'd never steal bakeware.  Not when I am so freakishly picky about baking stuff, and only get, like, the expensive stuff from Walmart. lol  (Yeah, I made a crack at myself! hahahahaha)  Besides which, I haven't bought a piece of bakeware, in, well....*scratches head*...many months.  And that was a sided cookie sheet made by Wilton, bought at HEB, in 2010, so I can make pumpkin rolls.

I just...okay...I admit...I'm still chuckling.  Not out of disrespect.  But because I am entertained by this...I know, I know, but still.  I talked w/ a friend of mine about this, and she was left just as flabbergasted as I was.  I talked w/ my Abba Father about it, and that's when I started cracking up.

I think because if I was going to steal something...well, bakeware?!?!  Besides which, why would I steal anything???????  Hate to say it, but I don't want anything this person has.  Sorry, love.  Not interested.  I didn't want anything in that home and just wanted to leave the home as soon as humanly possible...even with praying through that home, I knew that it wasn't a "safe place" spiritually.  So, when I could, I removed myself immediately and for my own piece of mind/spirit.  Too dark.  And way too many nightmares.

Anywho...

At one point, was told that "karma's a bitch" and that the person was sad about the "holy act" going on.

Well, my love...Jesus loves you too.  He really does.  Doesn't matter what you think about me.  I'm still going to be amused by this.  Never once did I say anything mean or contrary to the Word during my time...and knowing how much there was turmoil there, did a prayer walk and spoke over your home, your family, your peace of mind.  Began to speak things out spiritually, and did battle in the dark.

All to say...despite everything, your accusations and your mean words...well...Jesus loves you.  He loves every aspect of you.  And if it would make you feel better, I'll gladly buy you another set of bakeware.  No biggie.  I think it's kinda funny, actually...being accused of taking something I don't even have myself.  My roomie doesn't even have one of those things. hehehehehehehehehehe  The impish side of me wants to be like, "You wanna come look in the house?  See for yourself?"  But that's not a good thing. lol  That's more of trying to prove myself right.  Which, doesn't really matter who's right in all of this.  It's a very small drop in the bucket, actually.

But I'm still laughing.  Stealing.  BAKEWARE. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh, if you only knew me.  But you really don't.  And that's okay.  But I did remove you from FB...because, truth be told, kinda creeped me out when you mentioned the whole fb...felt a bit stalked after that...and a whole lotta creepy coming out...didn't realize you, uh, followed me that closely...

All that to say, if you need to confront me about something, please do it ASAP.  And not through text.  Have the honor and courage to confront me upfront, please.  I'll gladly invite you into the home (with roomie permission of course), show you around, offer a cup of coffee to you.  And then show you my bakeware. BWHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

So, here's what I learned:
1. Even when being accused of something, you still gotta laugh.  And keep the twinkle in the eye. :)
2. You love people, despite everything.  You love them.  Why?  Because that really is what Jesus would do.  And you ask Him about the spirit behind the words.  Why?  Because I don't want to associate the person w/ the work of the enemy.  I want to see the Jesus in them.
3. I control my emotions.  No one else has the authority to do so.  So, instead of getting angry and saying what I really wanted to say, I let the matter drop.  Even after being accused of how I wasn't a Christian...over bakeware...okay, I'm sorry...but I'm still laughing and snorting.
4. When all else fails in how I should react...I have one conclusion....laugh and snort.  Just laugh and snort. LOL

Recipe: Green Chili & Chicken Chillaquillas

I'd post a picture...but it's all gone. Made green chili & chicken chillaquillas (also known as enchilada casserole! haha) for a potluck at church tonight.  It's one of my favorite dishes to bring to a potluck...and there's usually never any leftovers! :)  Tonight was no exception. :)

1 whole chicken, cooked, meat taken off the bones and shredded (you'll have leftover chicken for some chicken tacos by the way)

1 can family-size cream of mushroom soup (to make it healthier, I used the fat-free version)

green chilis (I cheat and buy from the can or frozen...I put in about 1 1/2 pounds of chiles)

cayenne pepper to taste (I'd say about 1/4tsp

1 lb bag of shredded cheese (my preference is the Mexican style from Kraft, made from 2%)

and a whole lotta corn tortillas (white is my preference, but either color would work)

In a sauce pan, combine cream of mushroom (including the can of water needed) and cayenne pepper. Whisk til consistency is smooth, then dump in the green chilis. If the sauce is too runny, just add another can of cream of mushroom, MINUS the water. Let sauce simmer until hot.

In a large pyrex dish (9 x 13 works great), pour enough sauce to cover the bottom of the pan. Take your corn tortillas and tear them to pieces, layering them in the dish until the bottom is covered. Ladle sauce over the corn tortilla pieces, sprinkle cheese (amount up to you), then sprinkle/place shredded chicken. Continue this layering process: corn tortillas, sauce, cheese, chicken. For the last layer: corn tortillas, sauce, and a ton more cheese.

Bake in oven for about 20-30 minutes at 375, covered w/ aluminum foil. The last 5-10 minutes, remove foil. :)

This was a recipe handed from my mama to me. Possibly from my grandmother! :) And it's ALWAYS a huge hit. If you want more spiciness, just add more cayenne pepper, as well as change the heat-style of your chili. :)

So this is what it feels like...

I've posted this song before, but I'm doin' it again...'cause I can.  And then I'll explain. :)

This morning, I woke up from a dream with complete peace.  A peace that surpassed even my understanding.  I won't share all the details on cyberworld, but I'll gladly share some.  I was in an old room of mine, packing up, clearing things away, when someone walked in, threw their jacket on the bed, got up in my face, and said, "Just letting you know, but as soon as I'm done with this-", and the person pointed a finger up towards the ceiling of the room opposite of where we were standing, "-you need to leave.  You can keep the house, or you can leave."  And then the person waited for my decision.  Mind you, there was no fear when the person came up to my face.  NO. FEAR.  I just looked at the person and said, "I'm just here to clean out my things, and take what I need back.  Everything else is garbage and will be thrown away.  Then I'm going home.  This isn't home anymore.  This is just a room inside a house that I no longer live in and no longer want.  You can keep your house.  I am packing up.  I'll be done by morning."  (which is when the deadline was set, as the person was leaving in the morning)  The person just looked at me intently, and I looked back.  Again, face-to-face.  With. no. fear. I REPEAT.  No fear.  In my heart, as the person was looking at me, I knew that this was my goodbye.  That I would never come back to this place again.  And a peace came into me.  That's when I woke up, in peace and prayerful.  I asked the Lord immediately what that dream meant.  And He said that it was my way of saying good-bye.  "This is no longer my home."  He has created something new in me.  Has been for a very long time.

It's been a long battle.  A battle wrought with tears, anger, frustration, depression, fights and more determination than I think I knew I had.  So, again asking Him what this dream meant...it was a final realization that what He has been doing in me...IT IS FINISHED.  This process of healing/deliverance is finished, and I said my good-byes to the past, to the things that my heart needed to let go of.  And I laid them at the foot of the Cross.  And I sat and weeped and weeped and weeped with joy, just as I'm doing now, sobs racking my body.

That place is no longer my home.  I have a new home now.  It resides in freedom.  In healing.  In deliverance.  It resides in the joy of the Lord.  It resides with my Daddy God.  And I cannot help but weep with joy.  The battle that has been waged has been oh so very long.  And all I can do is weep and weep and weep with joy as He shows me the glimpses of prayers, the cries, the tears, the battles waged...and how at this one single moment, He has pieced it all together and said, "Well done, beautiful one.  Well done.  I love you."

So this is what it feels like to be free.  To be whole.  To be healed.  To receive it, and Him tell me, "It is finished."  And to lay it at the Cross, knowing that He is good.

So, I live you with one more song...a song that I cannot help but weep to in joy as I sit and listen to it.  And know, dear ones, that I am praying over each one of you reading this.  That just as He has taken me through this journey, so He'll take you through yours: of restoration, deliverance, healing, and learning to overcome.  So hang on, dear ones.  Don't let go.  Even when all you have is one single fingernail on the grips of the ledge, DON'T LET GO!  You're hope is coming!  Your healing is coming!  Deliverance is coming!!!!

Haggai Chapter 2 (from Biblegateway.com, Amplified version)

   4 But now take courage, Zerubbabel, says the LORD. Take courage, Jeshua son of Jehozadak, the high priest. Take courage, all you people still left in the land, says the LORD. Take courage and work, for I am with you, says the LORD Almighty. 5 My Spirit remains among you, just as I promised when you came out of Egypt. So do not be afraid. 6 "For this is what the LORD Almighty says: In just a little while I will again shake the heavens and the earth. I will shake the oceans and the dry land, too. 7 I will shake all the nations, and the treasures of all the nations will come to this Temple. I will fill this place with glory, says the LORD Almighty. 8 The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, says the LORD Almighty. 9 The future glory of this Temple will be greater than its past glory, says the LORD Almighty. And in this place I will bring peace. I, the LORD Almighty, have spoken!" 
20 The LORD sent this second message to Haggai on December 18 : 
 ²¹Speak to Zerubbabel [the representative of the Davidic monarchy and covenant and in direct line of the ancestry of Jesus Christ] governor of Judah, saying, I will shake the heavens and the earth;^{(C)
    22}And I will [in the distant future] overthrow the throne of kingdoms and I will destroy the strength of the kingdoms of the [ungodly] nations, and I will overthrow the chariots and those who ride in them, and the horses and their riders shall go down, every one by the sword of his brother.^{(D)
    23}In that day, says the Lord of hosts, will I take you, O Zerubbabel, My servant, the son of Shealtiel, says the Lord, and will make you [through the Messiah, your descendant] My signet ring; for I have chosen you [as the one with whom to renew My covenant to David's line], says the Lord of hosts.

Zerubbabel, by Rick Pino

I saw them

I saw them
How'd I get so close oh God


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored, woo hoo
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored


Restore innocence oh, God
Restore innocence of this generation, Lord
Yeah!
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocence, yeah
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
He's restoring the innocent ones
Innocent ones


Listen
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, yeah
My innocence is restored


This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation is coming out of confusion, yeah
This generation, oh, is coming out of confusion
Come out of your sexual confusion
Come out of your doctrinal confusion, yeah


When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy
My innocence is restored
When I’m with my daddy, woo hoo
My innocence is restored
It's restored
Yeah, yeah


No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation
No more confusion for my generation, yeah
No more confusion for my generation
Cause when you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
When you're with your daddy
Your innocence is restored
Be excellent in what is good
Be innocent of evil

His mercies are new EVERY morning

Apparently last night was more needed than I realized.

Last night...had a scream session w/ God.  Well, I shouldn't say with.  More like, me screaming, He listening.  I will openly admit that last night consisted of phrases such as, "I hate you."  "You lied to me."  "You promised me."  and "I don't understand!"  (Thank God for freedom to be who I am with Him...I know, this probably rocks your religious boat.)  45 very long minutes of raising up the dial on the heavy metal music and just letting EVERYTHING out that's been bubbling for the past week or so.  The funny thing, now, is that He was the one to tell me to do this.  Why?  Because I needed to see what was on my heart.  I knew there was a block, but I couldn't figure out why.  I was doing everything He had told me to do...prayer, praise, worship, capturing thoughts, in my Word, receiving revelation, fellowshipping...everything we are called to do...yet still felt that I was missing something somewhere.

So, back to last night...scream session.  Going back to the place of remembrance has been hard at times.  To see the words and go, "You promised!!"  And learning how to contend for those words.  At other times, it's been the most exhilarating thing this week.  Going back and seeing how He had given me words of my healing, the counseling, EVERYTHING.  Plus reading my notes from YEARS ago, and realizing why Spirit and Life meshes so well with me right now.  It's a re-learning of the things that He had started teaching me when I first got saved.  A deeper revelation of His truths.  And how this journey w/ FireStarters, Summit...everything...has been layer upon layer, precept upon precept, and just realizing how much I've grown since then. :)

So, anywho...being angry with Him.  As I learned through counseling...it's not a sin.  The sin is if I choose to stay in that anger.

So, screamed and cried and snotted and laid curled in a ball, just utterly exhausted.  At one point, thoughts of utter destruction to my room came into my head...but then I realized I'd have to clean that up, and so that was a no go.  Afterwards, I just sat here...and sat here...and stared at the computer screen for what seemed like an hour.  And just began to type everything out.  EVERYTHING.  All the hurt, anger, bitterness, rejection, unsureness, doubt, unbelief.  EVERYTHING.  I guess you could call it a crisis of faith.  Going, "You promised me.  Either You're a liar or You're going to make it come to pass.  I'm waiting.  What are You going to do?"  type of gauntlet.  I know.  Very, very dangerous.  But like He told me last night...He can take EVERYTHING I've got, and begin to do what He needed to do.

Called a friend back...and she essentially talked me off the ledge.  And I began to feel hope again.  Not a lot.  Just a tiny tiny seed, like mustard-size seed.

But after the scream session,  I just put worship music on...because I knew that even if I didn't "feel" like worshipping, my spirit was still going to receive something out of that.  And then I ended up falling asleep in a ball of exhaustion.

And here's where my amazing God comes into place:

1. I slept for 9 1/2 hours straight.  Didn't wake up once.  That was how exhausted I was keeping everything in.

2. I woke up excited for the 1st time in over a week.  Excited to be up.  Excited to start my day.  Excited to get things done.  Just plain excited.

3. I woke up with renewed hope.  No, I still haven't seen the promise come to pass, but last night I ended up praying a prayer from Prayers That Avail Much (God, how I've missed my book of that!!  That's been the one book I've missed the most...thanks Sandra, for getting it for me.  She was the first woman in Abilene to truly take me under a wing as a discipleship relationship.).  I woke up with joy again.  I woke up going, "Wow, Jesus...I had no idea I was carrying all of that around.  Thank You for showing me my heart, as ugly as it was."

4. I decided last night that I need prayer over this area of my life.  I need healing of my heart.  So I made an appointment w/ the Healing Rooms of San Antonio.  And I am thoroughly excited to see what will come out of it.  I am expecting deliverance.  I know I will be walking out of there in freedom. :)

5. I woke up knowing that despite everything I spouted and screamed at Him....He's not angry at me.  He's not hurt w/ me.  I didn't bruise His feelings.  But instead, I woke up w/ the vision of Him embracing me in His arms and shouting from the heavens, "I LOVE YOU!" & laughing with utmost joy as He encircled me. I woke up weeping at the amount of love that began to flow into my heart for Him.  I woke up knowing that my joy came in the morning.

And with all of that, beloveds, I want you to understand:

-it's okay to be angry at Him.  But be willing to let Him know EVERYTHING, the good bad and ugly, that' s in your heart.  And not only be willing, but know that He can take it, and He won't strike you dead.  I promise.

-don't stay in your anger.  Don't allow your anger to turn to bitterness and a drawing away from Him.  He doesn't want that!  He wants you, baggage and all!  And trust me, my baggage has been HUGE lately.  But praise baby Jesus for deliverance! :)

-I tell you this to encourage you.  To let you know it's okay to be real and transparent with Him.

My prayer for you is this:

That you begin to understand just how much He loves you, worts and anger and all. And that He can take anything you dish out.  That my God is bigger than the box of emotions you've decided to keep a tight lid on.  My God is bigger than anything we could ever experience or see.
That it's okay to be emotional in our secret place.  It's okay to let out EVERYTHING with Him...that's the one place we are truly, utterly safe with Him.  When we sit before the throne and begin to cry out to Him the reminders of His words, His promises.
That you not lose hope, even when all seems so hopeless and broken.  That once you begin to realize that He can take all you've got, the minute you give it to Him, He'll begin to restore your joy, your hope, your faith and your passion.  That you will arise, shine, wake up and say, "Jesus, I love You."  And that He'll come right up to you and give you this amazing embrace filled w/ His love and passion for you.

Well, beloveds, that's about the end of today's blog...I've gotta finish eating breakfast and working on a clean room.  And a clean house. :)  I love waking up to His new mercies and days. :)

You promised...and an update/thank you

Spending 45 minutes yelling, crying and screaming at God.  "YOU PROMISED ME!  YOU PROMISED ME!" And being so angry at Him.  Screaming out, "I hate You.  You lied to me.  YOU PROMISED ME!"  And all this rage and bitterness and anger just came out.

One thing...I didn't realize how angry I was at Him.  I still am.  I look around me to see Him answering people in this area left and right, all around me, and yet He's been promising me for 3 years...AND NOTHING.  So yeah, I called Him a liar to His face tonight.  I lost my voice screaming at Him tonight.  My head hurts, I want to vomit, and I'm exhausted.

I don't really feel better...mostly still angry.  I told Him I wasn't leaving until He told me why.  Why did He give me this word years ago, then take me back to the word again, only to "remind" me that it never came to pass...Really?!?  WTF?????  Like I didn't know that already.  So so angry.

Let's see if He actually answers...me and Him...at an impasse right now...call it a crisis of faith, whatever you want to call it, I don't care.  This is my deal breaker.  He said be persistent, well, I have been.  It still hasn't come to pass.  I did EVERYTHING He told me to do!!  I gave up EVERYTHING He told me to give up.  I gave Him EVERYTHING I had.  And He lied.  It's not here.  There's nothing in sight.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!  That's what I kept yelling and screaming to Him.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

So I poured out all my rage and anger and hate.  And now I'm just tired.  So very tired.  As I was driving home, I contemplated suicide.  He promised.  I did everything He told me to.  Where is He??  Where is what He told me?!?  I thought, for a very very long moment, that me not being here doesn't really matter.  He's slowly taking things away is what it seems like.  One by one, people around me are dropping like flies.  Thanks for the reminder there God.  Makes me feel a whole helluva lot better there.  So, I thought about how easy it would be to not have to deal w/ this anymore.  So very very very tired of this.  Tired of the struggles, the hopelessness, just...a lot.  "Hope deferred makes the heart sick"  I'm heart sick, and have been telling Him, asking Him, going before Him, like the woman w/ the issue of blood, going, "I know You can heal me! I know You can!  Why is this still here?!  I don't understand?!  I don't understand!!"

So there I am.  At the ledge one second away from jumping.  Which is why I'm staying out of the restroom w/ the bad stuff in there.  Wouldn't be wise.  Too much in the head right now.  Wishing someone would just come and give me a hug, lie to me and tell me it'll be okay.  I wouldn't believe them, but the lie works too.  Now you know...the struggle, the heartache, the hurt, the tears, the anger, the rage...everything so far.  I hate this.  I hate this part of my heart.  And I know it.  It sickens me to be at this point.  But I feel so desperate.  There's not much left...so here I am, God.  Waiting for Your answer...

And I don't know what to do anymore.  I've done everything I was supposed to...stayed in fellowship, worshipped, read and stayed in the Word, prayer, capturing thoughts...and still this massive anger, rage, depression....this gamut of feelings and things are just there building up inside me.  I feel so ready to explode sometimes.  Working with my kiddos is one of the happiest highlights of my day, because I can forget everything, all of it, all the emotion, and just love on them and let them love on me.

So that's where I'm at right now.  Angry at God.  About there at hating Him right now.

And going...You promised.  Are You a liar now too?

****UPDATE****
After calling a sis in Christ...I'm better.  Still churning.  Still can't breathe and almost voiceless.  But I'm much more calm.  Thanks.  I know it sucks having to talk me off the ledge sometimes, but I thank you for doing it even when you're busy.

Stop cursing my kids...

I think it all started last Thursday when this lady started praying over my kiddos...and I immediately was like, "uh, no, I don't receive that for them. Why are you praying that they're sick and yada yada yada and...lady, STOP PRAYING!!!"

But me, I didn't want to be rude.

Maybe I should have.

Because the change in their behavior has been astronomically different.  They went from being amazing to being, well, the opposite.

I've had kids in my office ON A DAILY BASIS!!!  I haven't had that since we first got the program up and running.  It's been an amazing month of greatness.

And one person's prayer about how they're all wild, and they're so glad I'm there, and how there's so much unruliness and...

Lady, what in the world makes you think it's okay to pray the bad over people?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Yeah, I'm angry.  I'm angry that I have to once again go back and take the ground back.  Ground it took 6 LONG MONTHS to gain w/ these kiddos.

And I knew once those words came out of her mouth...just...grrrrrr.

So, now, I'm standing on the ground goin', "enemy, you're not taking my kiddos back!  you're not taking the peace and unity back!  you're not stealing our joy!"

It's been difficult though.  From staff to children, it's been so amazingly difficult.

So my prayer, and if those who read this would stand w/ me...

He'll give me the game plan to gain back the ground, and exactly how to combat the curses spoken over my children
He'll help me to see this person through His eyes, not mine of anger and hurt
He'll give me the grace and patience to deal w/ these issues in a loving manner, not one where I'd like to duck tape 'em to the wall...myself included...just for a moment of peace in my day
And above all, that He'll show me how to walk in love, not frustration, with those within our program, from boss to children and everyone else we encounter on a daily basis.

Needless to say, every night I've come home, ate, waited for food to go down, and then crashed for 8-10 hours.  If you know me, I don't normally sleep that long.  Think 6 hours unless I'm super tired or sick.  I've been super tired and exhausted.

I think my biggest frustration is that the person thought it was okay to say, "so many kids are sick, mental illness, misbehaviors, diagnosed w/ this and that and this and..." and then look at me and start proclaiming all of those things at my kiddos.  Behavior issues, diagnoses, illnesses..."Lord, teach her to be a light to these kids in her program who have all of these, because I know in today's society every child has something wrong with them"

WTF man?!?!?!??!?!?!  Yes, I cussed. I know.  It just gets me so angry!!!

Instead of seeing the wrong in them, maybe it's time to see the right.  The goodness.  What they do that's amazing and brilliant and strong!

The difference between me and others in my position...no matter their behavior, I see what they're capable of.  I see their strengths, their awesomeness, their heart to be loved and known and appreciated for being who they are, not who others tell them to be.  And when I talk to my kids, the minute I tell them, "_____, I'm disappointed in that choice you made.  I KNOW you can do better!  I KNOW you are amazing, unique, smart, __________________ (fill in the blanks).  I KNOW that between you and I, we can work on this.  Let me help you!  How can we work on this so that if this comes up again, we can do better?"  And that door is opened for them to believe that I love them, care about them, and want only the best for them.  (I've had grown middle schoolers and high schoolers cry when I start pouring into them like this.)
They see that my heart isn't to be down, degrading or angry at them.  But instead I want to instill just how amazing they are, mistakes and all.  I want them to see WHO they are, but also WHOSE they are.  I don't want them to leave my office without a change in their heart.

So, lady, instead of cursing today's generation of kids coming up...
Maybe it's time you start speaking life into them.
I don't want your curses.
I don't want your views.
Keep 'em to yourself.

If you're not gonna speak life over this generation, all I gotta say is move outta the way.  As harsh as this may sound, I don't need your view points of what's wrong with this generation.  I instead want a view point that this generation CAN grow up to be amazing, righteous, strong, and walking in faith.  So, if you don't have anything encouraging to add to that...it would be best you didn't talk to me.

Thanks,
disgruntled teacher/administrator/person who works w/ this generation