Just a quick update...

Life has been crazy, busy, crazy...

Different seasons...different things...if only I could explain half of what's been going on right now, that'd be wonderful.  But that's okay...'cause tomorrow at 11am I get to spill my guts all over the place.  Very therapeutic for me. :)  I'm glad to be seeing SH once again during this season...took me awhile to get to that point, but so very very glad.

Life's been busy.  Work has been...work.  Been applying for different positions around the area (and yes, my boss knows, so no worries on that end).  Have had several interviews, but so far zilch.  So trying really hard to not get too disappointed at times.  I'm waiting for the position I REALLY want to close the posting date, which is today if I'm correct.  Then believing for a call for an interview.  Which gives me a bit more time to once again revamp the portfolio and such.  Which is good.

On the friends level, I really haven't been seeing much of anybody lately.  End of school year means pretty much very little life apart from work, workout (when able) and the occasional hangouts w/ people.  I'll be so, so glad to get this school year over with.  It's been a good year, but I know that I'm exhausted and tired.  So we shall see.

That's it for now.  Kinda all I got...I know...not really super spiritual, but there you have it.  I think I'm doing good worshipping in the mornings and trying to maintain my reading schedule in the evenings.  Finding balance is hard, but I know it can be done.

Hmm....glad I'm not sick anymore too.  About the worst thing I've got is a sunburn from lying out for 5 hours at the pool the other day.  And this too shall pass.  Looking forward to this weekend...and hanging out w/ an old and new friend...and making new memories. :)

Quick Update... :)

Seeing as how I'm procrastinating right now, due to the immensity of this project, I decided what better way than to do a quick update.

The past 1-2 weeks has been INSANE! haha  Filled w/ job interviews, craziness, and random issues popping up.  From almost a week of, "YES, I have my life back!" to "ughhhh I hate lack of communication".  But that last part is slowly being resolved, I think.  So that's good.

This week sees a bit of some hectic hair pulling.  Got the call on Friday that I have an interview as an ECT-IA...which means that I may be able to have my own classroom, work w/ kiddos in a somewhat teaching capacity...without my finished degree.  And, after awhile, the possibility of finishing my degree once I work for over a year or so.  Which has seen me massively working on my teaching portfolio the past...uhh...3 days.  From old pics, to lesson plans, to letters of recommendation, to, well, the past 6 years of my work life crammed into 1 binder.

Plus, trying to make sure that I am ready for the speaking engagement I have this coming weekend...being in the Word, prepping, praying over the words I'll be speaking, running it past some wise council to make sure it's okay, flows well, not confusing, etc.

And I did let my boss know about the possibility of a new job for me yesterday.  He wasn't too thrilled, but he understood.  Thank God.  I was a little worried.

But yeah.

And for my accountability partner...all is well. :)  Lack of communication regarding the long/confusing story has been hashed out...PTL...in the form of several things.  Ask me later! haha

So, that's it.  Gotta go!  Gotta get ready for wk, head in early, wk on my portfolio, then have a mtg tonight at church, then come home, work on my portfolio...........SLEEP IS GOOD! haha

Update on the past month or so....

Okay, right off the bat I've gotta say...IT'S BEEN INSANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SOOO much has happened...such craziness has been going on.  From stress to dancing to supernatural stuff to, well, God moments.  Some things I can expound and share on, others I'm not able to due to circumstances and situations currently.  So I'll see how much I can get done here. :)

Well, when I moved, I don't think I completely understand the reason for the move.  Meaning I had no idea just the kind of things God was about to take me through, all of them good and exciting and amazing.  I had NO CLUE the doors of opportunity or blessings that were getting ready to begin to pour out.  And for those of you who haven't seen me or heard from me, in, like, forever and a day...don't feel bad.  I haven't really been talking much to anyone really.  That's been intentional.  No, I haven't isolated myself.  It's been more of a, "oh dear Jesus there's so much going on that all I can do is remain focused on You so I don't waiver to the left or the right FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS".  Moving in to a new home that is centered, its very heartbeat, is hospitality and the movement and ministry of the presence of God...well, that's been rockin' my boat in good ways! lol  I've been learning SO MUCH, and yet there's so much that I haven't been able to put into words yet.  Just...an overwhelming flood of emotions just begin to pour out most of the time.

Anywho...moving in here has been amazing.  God-encountering.

Making Spirit and Life my home has been...LIFE CHANGING.  Every time I go...well, more words have been poured over me in the past month than the total received in the PAST YEAR.  Yeah, that's right.  You read that right.  You really did.  I have NOTEBOOKS on the words given to me.  Some that I've kept SUPER close to my heart and inside the prayer closet.  And others that I have been able to share glimpses of.

Now fast-forward to about a month-3 weeks ago.  A dear friend of mine asked if I would consider ministering at a youth conference w/ my testimony and allowing the presence and power of God to just flow during the time given.  Well, I can tell you honestly...I was in awe.  And shocked.  But mostly in awe.  Ask my roommate.  I went to her at 3am or so, and was like, "oh. my. golly.  oh my golly.  oh my golly."  I think it was over and over again! lol  You see...several words have been given to me throughout the years regarding something like this.  But in my heart, I kinda told God, "Me?!  Really?!?  Me???  The girl who liked being the wallpaper and NOT the center of attention?  The one who doesn't like to publicly speak in front of people?  And You're telling me that I have this calling on my life, to, well, SPEAK?  ARE YOU NUTS?!?!?!?!"  Pretty much sums up my conversation the first few minutes after I read the invitation sent to me.  And I can tell you that now, I no longer think that way.  It's more like, "JESUS YOU'RE GONNA BE SO AWESOME THERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  And doing my giant happy dance that I haven't really been able to stop doing since last night. :)

Now fast forward again to about the beginning of April...and HUGE attack began to happen in my life.  I literally came home one night just...in tears...crying, "Lord, I don't understand.  What's going on?  Why is this happening?"  And it's not something I'll be able to expound on, so if you're reading this, you more than likely won't understand what I'm talking about.  Just be okay w/ that ahead of time.  Basically, it's been a month of walking out the door and immediately battling the whole way to work, at work, during work, and driving back home from work.  And even now, the battle isn't over.  Right now I'm praying for wisdom and discernment, as well as a hedge of protection over my staff and I.  The battle has been intense, and the fight isn't over...but I KNOW that truth will prevail in this season. :)

Now fast forward again to 2 weeks ago...where I had a date w/ a man.  We talked for 4 1/2 hours.  Yes, that's right.  I TALKED W/ A STRANGER FOR 4 1/2 HOURS STRAIGHT.  If you know me, you know what a HUGE breakthrough that was.  And the cool thing was...no fear there.  Just a whole heckuva lot of nerves.  You can ask MC.  I was texting her the whole time I was waiting for him to show up! lol  From there began a friendship....from talking about God things, to character issues, to home life, to testimonies, to, well....more things than I even think I knew I had words for inside me...we delved through some seriously big things.  And during that time I ate humble pie several times! lol  But it was all good.  But anywho...meeting a man who liked me for me.  And who saw the presence of God in me...and told me flat out that there was something different in me.  I about balled when I came and told me roommate the details of all of this.  All that to say...it's been a good friendship overall.  I'm learning some things about myself.  I'm also learning how to be myself, and that it's okay to be who He has made me to be.  And that that won't scare away people if I really am who I am, no games and no facade.  The really cool thing is...I got my answer to the prayer I've been seeking/praying for the past 2 weeks.  And it was a very clear answer.  (No worries MC.  I know I still owe you a text and an explanation from this morning! lol)  And I am THRILLED with the answer AND the season He has me in! :)  So that part of my life has just been plain FUN! :)

Lastly...the past 2 days.  If you've been keeping up w/ my facebook statuses, you know some seriously awesome and intense God moments have been happening.  Let me backtrack to last night at dinner after church.  (Can I just say how much I LOOOOOOOOVVVVVVVEEEEEE my church home?!?!?!)  Well, last night at church God was moving and flowing and working.  I know I had some serious boldness on my mouth! lol  Anywho, went to dinner w/ a family, and some new friends. (YAY NEW FRIENDS!)  After we ate, one of the guys has this waitress come over, and he (TJ, the guy) begins to tell us how he had given her a word that he saw light being reflected off of her.  Which the waitress had confirmed that word and the meaning of it to him right before he asked us to gather 'round and pray over her.  So, we gathered round and did what Jesus freaks (my term in this situation, NOT a dig or a bad thing...I think it's freaking AWESOME! lol...or to steal someone else's phraseology...a Holy Spirit lush :) ) do best...we prayed.  And God began to move.  Prophetic words began to flow over this woman named Carmen.  And as the tears came down, God moved even more.  Come to find out, everything was right on.  Not only was it right on, after checking to see if she had received Christ as her Lord and Savior, we then began to ask her if she wanted to receive the baptism of the Holy Spirit.  Well, she said yes.  Then had the opportunity to pray for her to receive her prayer language.  Which happened quite suddenly. :)  Of course! lol  (that suddenly seems to be happening a lot lately in my life)  Not to mention, even before that occurrence, one of the ladies at our table at a prophetic word for our waiter, Angel.  Which HE then confirmed that that word was right on.  So, basically, ALMOST ALL OF LAST NIGHT was one Holy Spirit bomb after another.  Lots of cool awesomeness happening! hehe

Now fast forward to today...where NC and I were invited to come hang out at said family's home for an impromptu gathering and fellowship.  We'd been there since 10:30 this morning.  And dear Lord I LOVE THAT FAMILY!!!!!!!!!!!  Their littlest one has captured my heart. :)  Me and Jacob are like 2 peas in a pod baby! lol  Actually, I just LOVE their family period! :)  Anywho...we had a worship jam session in the living room.  Oh wait!  Lemme backtrack a bit!  We had a barbeque today at their place.  TJ (remember the guy from the restaurant that was w/ us) was there...and came back in w/ a new person who he had met "randomly" on the street and invited him in to eat and fellowship w/ us.  (Did I mention how much I LOVE hanging around these presence-driven Jesus people?! lol)  He came in, we all chatted and talked and fellowshipped and laughed.  Then came the worship session.  Where I was called out and asked, "I know you have something!" lol  Always makes me nervous being called out like that!  No matter how many times it happens, ALWAYS makes me nervous! :/  Good thing this is training ground! haha  Anywhoo....began to give the Word that He had given me an hour before that...drawing/visuals included, when I was kinda stopped, and someone was brought in who needed to hear that word.  And then He began to move.  And deliverance began to take place in that person.  And had the amazing privilege to see Him move and shake and work.  And then miracles began to happen.  And then the Spirit began to just flow and shake and...well, WOWZERS it was COOL! :)

The great thing is...I know this is JUST THE BEGINNING!  OMG I can't believe I forgot ONE OF THE COOLEST PARTS!!!!!!!!!!

As TJ and several others were praying...gold dust began to appear on a face.  Yes, you read that right.  GOLD DUST!  You could literally see gold dust reflected off of the face.  You could feel His presence begin to just MOVE.  And then we noticed the aroma of the garden of heaven just outside the door of the home we were at.  BEAUTIFUL!  And then more deliverance and healings began to take place.  Words being spoken.  Spirit of adoption beginning to take hold and root in people's lives.  Several of us being called out to, well, pray healing and other things. :) hehe  The cool thing is...gold dust began to appear on my little buddy.  Started w/ a single fleck on his hand (mind you...the one he was praying w/).  Then another appeared.  Then I noticed another on his cheek as we were laughing in the kitchen afterwards.  Gold dust on one of the women there.

The even greater thing....is that this is the norm for a believer. :)  This realm of the supernatural is becoming my normal now.  The things I have been praying for, waiting for...are coming in in those "AND SUDDENLY" moments.

And all I can say is...I'm SOOOOO looking forward to Friday!  I don't know what He'll be doing, but it is gonna be BIG!

And I keep thinking....Lord, all in preparation for the speaking time at the youth conference, but also for preparation and training for what is to come!

Hallelujah!

hehe

With all of that being said....I know it's a lot to catch up on.  A lot to read.  And some of you may think I've gone off my rocker.  And quite honestly, I've come to the conclusion that I don't really care whether people think I'm off my rocker or not.  You cannot persuade me otherwise that my God does not move.  Because He does.  And He can move in whatever way pleases Him.  The only thing He needs is an open vessel.

So, are you really open?  Or are you just all comfy in your positions, going, "that isn't real"?  Are you really open to ALL He has, or are you so biased and set against His Spirit that when He tries to come, you immediately shut it down?
Time for a heart check, people!

See....Jesus freak...and lovin' it.  This is my passion and desire...the one thing that matters most to me in the world above all else...His presence. :)

My 1st 5k

Aaaagggghhhhh I'm excited! I'm doing a happy dance in my head!! :) Even w/ the early hour getting up, I'm just happy & excited for this season in my life. There are changes in me, in my attitudes & my heart. But also in my life & what He is doing & calling me to. & I LOVE HOW THIS 5K IS JUST THE BEGINNING! The beginning of understanding that I really CAN do all things w/ Him. I never thought I'd be doing a 5k this soon. But jumping in w/ both feet, here I am! :)

So I'll have to write down how well I did later! Haha

I choose freedom

I didn't give in.  I didn't do what my first instinct was...which was to pick something up and allow it to wash the pain away into nothingness.  I didn't give in.

I needed to start with that first.

Tonight, I felt like, for the 1st time, someone was trying to push the boundaries, & wouldn't accept no for an answer.  Even though I kept saying no, I feel uncomfortable with sharing that.

And it felt like I was a victim all over again.

A slap to my face.  As if this was some tabletop conversation that happens everyday.

And not my life.  What was done.

And I got angry.  So so angry.  And I did what I do...I fought back.  With words.  And then I completely shutdown.

And then I curled into a ball and just sobbed my heart out on my bed.

And it showed me how this area of my heart still needs healing.

And for the first time in a really long time, I tried really hard not to vomit up dinner as the memories and flashbacks came.  As pictures and images of what was done kept running through my brain, all I could do was cry out, "JESUS!" as I wrapped my arms around Roger the bear and weeped my heart out.

Which tells me that this journey of sharing my testimony...is an on-going process.  He's showing me these wounds for a reason.  But He's also allowing me to be real and honest not just with Him, but with myself.  And with others.

Even as tears roll down my face, I know that it's time to face this part of my journey.  To not allow the fear to creep in.  And to remember that I'm no longer the victim, that little girl.  And that what was done no longer has the power to control me anymore.  I laid it at the foot of the cross.

And even as I type, all my thoughts in a jumble, I feel my spirit begin to calm down.  Knowing that He is my strength and my refuge.  My very present help in time of need.  That HE is my Beloved One, who will not harm me or hurt me.

And I have to remember to trust Him in where He's leading me, even if I don't know where it ends up or where exactly I am going.

So, thanks, Jesus.  For showing me this part of a bruised heart that I didn't realize was still there.  And for showing me that I don't have to fear...and I don't have to accept being a victim any longer.

I choose freedom.

The most awful day...and what I learned from it :)

Today has probably been the worst day of meltdown I've ever had.

Today has been the most stressful, hectic, awfullest day ever.

Today has been...

...unexpectedly filled w/ some serious blessings.  Despite everything.  Despite the drama, the craziness, the insaneness.

I sat here after work, and just began to veg out, praying, trying to find up from down, left from right.  And just more and more praying.  Put on some dance music, and then just prayed some more.  Yeah, lots of praying, I know.

And then I just started letting everything out to Him.  About the day, the situation, the issues, the wanting to just scream w/ frustration at how things are going down right now, at lost things...

And then, as I sat here, I got an unexpected message.  From a guy.  One that I'm slowly getting to know better as we talk here and there.  And I must admit...it made my day.  Not because it was anything unique, but because it was just really nice to hold a conversation and just let the joy begin to bubble out as I talked about likes, hobbies, Jesus, you know. :) lol  And then a friend just praying over me as I poured everything out.  Even some tears.  And lots of frustrations.

I have come to the realization that once I talk, and let things out, everything in my world begins to right itself.  Or more like, my perspective and truths begin to align once again w/ the Word.  But it takes me talking it out, and realizing, wait a minute, this doesn't align w/ the Word, to begin to understand just what needs to be done.

And sometimes, it takes prompting from someone who won't let me hide.  Which is what I was kinda doing once I got home.  I stayed in my room and just...vegged...and read.  And talked.  And danced.  And prayed.  (Sorry for not answering the phone, MC.  Kinda put the phone on ignore for a bit while I sat and vegged out.)

All that to say, though the situation(s) aren't resolved...I'm at a nice, peaceful state.  Knowing that the truth will come out and stand strong in these situations.

So, thanks friends.  And Jesus.  Who knew a little country and dance music, plus a lot of praying, would make me understand how I handle seriously intense emotions?! haha :)  And that I wasn't made to hide things in the dark, especially my emotions.  Not built that way.  And that I learn a lot about myself, about people, and about Jesus when I stop, take a moment to reflect on things, talk it out, then have the "ah-ha" moment where I'm like, "Jesus, You got this.  Why am I so stressed/frustrated/concerned/worried/anxious?  Who better to deal w/ all of this than You??"

And then the joy gets restored.  And all is right with the world again.  'Cause joy and Jesus are in the same sentence in my heart and head after that. :) haha

Blessings in Disguise

Today was a great day. Not because something big and extravagant happened, because it didn't.  But because of what He showed me tonight as I was sitting watching movies.

I was talking w/ a friend tonight, reminiscing about some things in my life, what He has done in the past, plus what He's done now.  And it made me realize tonight just how blessed I am.  Not because everything that happened was hunky dory, but because of the fact that despite all the junk, I'm not just a survivor.  I'm an overcomer.  That despite everything in the past, the things He has done for me has been AMAZING.

And then I thought about specific instances in my life...where He gave me my first ever very own all mine Bible.  The one that is leather bound with my full name engraved on it.  The one that when the person gave it to me, I literally covered my face and began to sob and sob and sob.  I don't know if that person realized just how much that gift meant to me.  But He did.  Something that was all mine...something that I only dreamt of, something I thought that I'd never own in a million years...and here was this beautiful gift lying on my lap.

And then I thought about the time He provided a way for me to go to onething.  After so many years of desperately wanting to go but never being able to afford it.  And someone paid for my flight and hotel.  And how He provided new friends who took me in, took care of me, and who loved me just as I was...zaniness and all! haha  Again, I don't think any of these people knew just how much this meant to me.  To be seen as a sister in Christ and embraced in a group...just because of the love of Christ.  No judgments.  No expectations.  Just a passion and a hunger for Him.  And the person who paid the way there and back...has no idea how much I sobbed in pure awe and joy that He thought of me that much to give me this simple desire of my heart.  How much I thanked my God for that person, for showing a love which I have never fully understood until recently...

And then I thought about the past...the sexual abuse.  The trauma.  The nightmares.  The suicide attempt.  The addiction to pornography and romance novels.  The addiction to food, then the attempts of bullemia.  And I began to praise Him for it all.  Because throughout the trials and the seasons, I couldn't help but see His love guiding my every step.  From the moment that I began to realize I needed help, to the time where the counselor said good-bye at our last session, to the deliverance sessions, to the nights where I spent huddled in the corner at night, praying the nightmares wouldn't come and speaking out forgiveness knowing that this was what I had to do, what I NEEDED to do, to be free.  The realization that my God has been good to me through it all.  And has loved me through it all.  And that He has used all of my past to bring about blessings and freedom to others.  And that He has freed me.  As I sit and contemplate and type out, big fat tears are just rolling down.

And for the first time, I can say that I am grateful to Him for all of this.  Did He cause it?  No, never.  But I am SO grateful.  Because all of these things has brought me closer to Him.  He has used these things that were meant for evil and death to bring me ever closer to Him.  And for that, I will shout praises to the King of Kings.  My Husband.  My Lover.  My Friend.

There's so much joy bursting out of my heart right now... To the point where in my dreams, I've begun dancing before Him in exaltation of all that He has done.  I cannot help but rejoice.

So, my beloveds...I hope you realize that:
Despite everything from your past, He really does have a future and a hope for you.  I am praying a spirit of overcoming for each of you.  And that you would begin to have open eyes and ears to understand just all that He has done for you, is doing for you, and will do for you.

You may wonder why I chose to share my past struggles with you, directly online via www.  Frankly, I'm not ashamed of my past.  Because I know I'm free.  And my heart's desire is to see you free too.  And if you know me, I don't ever want you to think that I have everything all together, or that I couldn't possibly understand.  Because I really do. I really, really do.  And I love you.  And I want to see you free just as much as He has set me free.

So, dear ones, I hope you know just how much I pray over each one of you as He brings you into my mind. That I consider each one of you precious and holy, beloved by God.  And that I love you.

:) Alex