This crazy journey called....BACK TO HEALTH

So I've been doing a lot of research lately on my last week of vacation.  Some of you may be thinking, why is she posting so much stuff?!  And usually all related to cooking, baking, making my own things, etc.

Well, if I haven't shared much of the medical journey recently...

Mainly, that the Doc was seriously concerned about my health.  And that if things were continuing the way they were, I wasn't looking at a very long life at all.  But most concerned for the Doc, as well as Eric and I, was the fact that no one has been able to figure out the mass reactions I have to things...from allergy tests to blood tests, it has seemed that my body is thrown off kilter and literally sick.  From the migraines, to the rapid weight gain (it is documented that within one month, I gained 25 pounds, WITH proper diet and exercise, by the way).  Also, extreme swelling of my limbs, joints, sudden severe and intense back pains. Constant vertigo, dizziness, nausea within 30 minutes of eating.  And the worst of it all...a blood sugar that even the doctors were...well...shocked...especially given the family history of diabetes and other things.  (The Doc pulled a med student or two in because of the unusualness of what was going on.)

With all of that being said, the Doc couldn't figure out why.  And every medication thrown at me, just made me, well, sicker.

So, after a lot of prayer with Eric, and a lot of quiet time, we decided one thing: that we would listen to Him for my eating habits, diet, etc.  And that the research would begin.  The one thing we both knew: neither one of us wanted me to die much earlier than anticipated, which, given the prognosis, would have been within 5 years.  (Imagine our shell-shock when we got this news...)  My amazing husband decided that whatever I cooked and ate, or didn't eat, he would follow.

And he's been true to his word.  And we are seeing the results.  (His pants are getting smaller and smaller each month!  As for me, we have been able to, FINALLY, stop the weight gain.  It's been a bit more stable, though still off by far on what I need to be for a more healthier me.)

It's also why I am so passionate about beginning to grow, and make, my own things.  Because I know what's in them.  After fasting for a period of time from certain foods, and then reintroducing them (sometimes by sheer accident), we finally began to figure out what exactly is triggering the majority of symptoms in my body.  And it all stems on the foods I've been eating.

Which started the research and documentary journey I've been on.  I have another doctor's appointment to be scheduled this coming week...and we have no idea what the doc is going to say...it's another blood lab work, so...I'm hoping that it's going to show a difference, especially since I tossed the medication away over a month ago because it was causing my blood pressure to go up to 170/99.  Yes, you read that right.  All within 2 WEEKS.

So, if you start seeing a lot of research being posted on my FB feed, organic recipes, DIY things, you know why now.  Eric and I are refusing to give up, and are continuing to battle this thing.  I've slowly become passionate about what I've put in my body, and am learning to be just a little more aware of things.

No, Eric and I haven't given up some stuff.  We still have the occasional bout of going out to eat, or my "cravings", but I'm slowly learning that in order to feel good, and to beat what's going on inside my body...it's going to take some pretty drastic measures.

So, let the search for farm fresh produce begin.  And a good juicer... :)

The Story of Us........11/10/13

A few people (cough cough...many people...cough cough) have been wanting to know the story of how my husband and I met.  How we got together.  The story of...uh...us.  (Notice the title, anyone?? :) )

So, I thought what better way to go about this than on the www.  lol  No, seriously.  It's easier to tell this story once, versus 30 times.  In a row.  To all different people.  Who all want to know.

Here is the story of us.  Which I'm kinda glad my hubby is off at church while I get ready for our photo shoot session.  It gives me some time to think, reflect, and miss the heck outta this man.  (Not to mention the unfairness of men only needing, like, 30 minutes to get ready and dressed.  I need a good solid two hours, plus more if I'm gonna do fingers and toes.  Like, seriously, who thought of these rules and standards for having to get this dolled up, and then making it to where it takes FOOOOOOORRRRRREEEEEEVVVVVVEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRR to do it?!?!....sorry.....end rant now....)

Okay, so, back to the story.

In March/April 2013, during my quiet time, I kept hearing the Lord tell me it was time to go back to the whole dating scene thing.  And not just any dating scene.  Back to....OMGAREYOUFORREAL?!...online dating.  To which I told Him, in all quite frank honest, "Hell no."  Just like that.  No joke.  (For those of you Christian people who would be shocked, I'm sorry.  Please get over your shockiness.  In my quiet time, it's no holds barred, flat out tell it like it is, whether it's joyful, fearful, happy or sad, the secret place is a place to get real.  And if I'm to treat Him like my best friend, well, let's be honest.  I've got a bit of the ghetto in me. *wink wink*)  I then not only told Him no, I told Him no several times.  I wasn't going to do it.  Not after the fiasco of...um...the man who shall be left nameless.  (Eric calls him the jerk.)

Here I am, in my room, and I hear Him tell me to try E-Harmony.  Again, in my head, I'm also thinking, ummm...noooo.....I just...can't....  And then, I ignore that prompting, and live life onwards and upwards.

Fast forward to May/June 2013.  I again hear the prompting of signing up for E-harmony.  To which, after hearing it a bit more, uh, insistently, I tell the Lord...  (yeah...I know...the audacity...  But I am sooooo thankful that He meets us not only where we are at, but isn't easily offended at my, um, bumbling way of approaching things at times.)

Okay, so, I tell the Lord that in order for me to sign up for E-Harmony, a few things needs to happen:

1. I need to be able to afford it financially.  (Which, at the time, I couldn't.)
2. Before I even subscribe, I wanted 3 men to send me icebreakers showing that there was at least SOME interest in me before I put myself out there to the world.
3. I wouldn't do it if the above 2 weren't completely met.

And then, He did the unthinkable....He whispered something in my ear that made my eyes go all big, my jaw drop, and my tummy get the butterflies.  He whispered that this, was, it.  To which my response was, "Um.  No.  It's not.  I'll believe it when it happens."  But in my heart, growing like a tiny little seedling, was that seed of faith that someone had planted so many years ago.  The Word that I had gotten when I was 18 years old.

Well, I then go to the website, and I do the whole profile thing.  And as I'm doing my profile, guess what pops up in a lovely, bright box but...."Get 3 months for the price of 1."  No. Freaking.  Joke.  To which my eyes got real big like, and then I whispered, out loud, in a panic, "BUT YOU HAVEN'T MET THE OTHER REQUIREMENT YET!!  THIS FAT LADY AIN'T SINGING YET!!!!!!!"  (Yeah, not even my hubby knew that one. lol  There are just some parts of my conversation I keep real quiet like about my quiet times. lol  Probably because I really do tend to talk to Him like I talk to my best friends.  Let's be honest, if I can't be real with my God, the One who created me, who can I really be real, honest and raw with?!)

So I wait.  And within 2-3 days, I LITERALLY get three icebreakers sent my way.  Yes, exactly, THREE.  No more.  No less.  So I start looking at their profiles (mind you, I still haven't subscribed, because, well, I'm stubborn.), seeing if I like what's heading my way.  I read the first one, and was, ehhhh....  I read the second one, and respond back.  Or at least try to.  But I can't.  Because I haven't signed up yet.  And then...(my hubby can tell you the exact date.)  I read the 3rd one.  And as I start reading through the profile, I let out a gasp.  My heart leaps and jumps.  And His still, small voice comes into play: "This is the one."

I read the profile a second time.  A third.  A fourth.  Mind you, I haven't seen a picture of this man AT ALL.  All I can judge him by is his words.  And I'm liking what I'm reading.  And my heart pounds.  And I go to PB and tell her about this guy.  And that....dare I say it....I'm signing up....for E-Harmony.  AAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH

Once I sign-up, I respond back to this "Eric" person.

And he responds.  Sends me 3 multiple choice questions.  I respond.  He sends me his must haves/can't stands; I send mine.  Then, he does the unthinkable...sends me 3 questions that I ONLY HAVE 1000 CHARACTER LIMITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For this talker, this is...TORTURE.  I despise the system at this point.  And it takes me THREE HOURS to condense my response to 1000 characters or less.  Because, I am EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!  I'm desperately trying not to get my hopes up, but I keep hearing His voice directing, guiding, leading.

I follow on.

The next step, after all of this, is email communication within the system.  So it's still secure.  No harm done.  No personal info required.  yaay

Well, we communicate and email, back and forth, for several days, multiple hours in a day.  This man makes me laugh with his words.  Makes me guess, think, question, look through scripture.  And every day I feel myself falling a bit more.  And I've only seen a few pictures of him.  (Which, later on, realized that NONE of them did him justice, by the way.  Sorry, honey.)

And then...he does the unthinkable...   But only after I tell him that I'm meeting MC for coffee one night.  He tells me HE wants to have coffee with ME.  Say whaaattt?!?!  He doesn't know this, but I had a mini-heart attack right there on  the spot.  OMGHEWANTSTOMEETMENOOOOOOOOOOOO.  (Okay, so I realize that my self-image and self-confidence still needs quite a bit of work at times....)

My response: "I'd love to have coffee with you.  Just let me know when and where."  <---HA  Further proof I can pretend I'm cool, calm & collected. :)  man, I'm good!! lol

We make plans to meet at an IHOP near the two of us.  And in between the times, we are texting back and forth.  And he makes me laugh.  Makes me think.  And sends me scriptures.

We meet.  We laugh.  And we spend FIVE HOURS talking to each other on our "date".  We go from IHOP to HEB, and all the way we are talking.  And neither one of us wants to end it, but we have to, 'cause I have to be at work at the crack of freakin' dawn.

And...we're both comfortable.

So, we continue texting.  And the more we get to know each other, the more that we are slowly tuned towards each other.  (I hate the word falling in this aspect, but for lack of better terminology, this may be what you get for right now.)  We talk about our beliefs, our values, morals...everything.  Nothing is held back.

And a response of his that I still remember to this day, "Every objection I could possibly have, God has taken it in your life and showed His blessings and grace.  It just makes you more and more desirable for courtship."  OMG did my heart just go all googly-eyed on that one.  (I am such a girly sap! lol)

You see, he had NO IDEA what the Word was that was given to me when I was 18.  Some of you do.  I've told you.  I still have it written down.  "The first man to ask to court you will be your husband."  I've held on to that word for many, many years.  And had slowly started to give up on it.  Through tears, anger, rage, battles, and seasons of no romantic thoughts whatsoever; through being asked in the secret place if I was willing to give up any thought of marriage and remain single...this word was still there, just waiting, being planted, watered, growing, pruning....  What a faithful Abba Father I have.

And then fast forward, to one fateful evening, at REALLY LATE FOR THE BOTH OF US night.  I had an anxiety attack.  In the middle of my conversation, on the phone, with Eric.  Over some outside circumstances that were happening that didn't involve me one iotta.  And his response: you haven't eaten dinner; come over, meet at IHOP; let me buy you dinner; be safe.

I drive up to his apartment complex on my way to swing by and pick him up (hey...fair exchange for dinner and dealing with all the drama of me), and there is this knock on the window.  I roll my window down, and he presents me with a single red rose and the following words: "I wanted to get you something to make you smile through the bad."  And I desperately try to compose myself.  Even now, tears are in my eyes and I try to be, uh, somewhat normal....  (as my husband says, it's allergies...)

My smile is a mile wide.  This is the first time I've received flowers from a man.  I...wow....just....I can't stop smiling.

We drive to IHOP.  And he lets me talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And because we have a certain rule between the two of us, he laid out a notebook, Bible and pen between the two of us.  And we continue to talk.  And read scripture to each other.  And discuss scripture.  And I begin to tell him bits and pieces of my testimony.  Not everything.  Just...the important parts to help him understand why my reaction was so horrific to this outside circumstance.

(Now, for this next part, you have to understand our rule of having no cell phones out while we are with each other.  We only saw each other once a week, Sundays....so...we didn't want technology to interfere with our times together.)

Anywho...

He stops me, pulls out his phone, scrolls down and asks me to read something.

It was a text conversation between him and his best friend (well, one of them).  It went something like this:

EF:  Please pray.  Alex is driving down.  She's really upset about something, so I told her to come down, eat and talk it out.

RB: Okay.  Will do.  Praying for both of you.

EF: R____, I believe that I'm falling in love with this woman of God.  (that sentence is NOT paraphrased)  The more that we talk, God is showing me in every way just how amazing she is.  The more I get to know her, the more that I love her.  He keeps showing me His hand in this every step of the way.  Through all of my objections, I keep seeing and hearing that she is the one that He has for me.

As soon as I read that first sentence, my hand goes up to my mouth, and I gasp.  I start trembling.  And shaking.  And my eyes start filling up.  And I look at him, and just look.

He puts his phone away again very calmly I might add.  And then says:

"Alex, I am falling in love with you.  You are amazing.  And the more that I know you, the more that I am falling in love with you.  Will you give me permission to court you?"

To which I respond, with both hands to my mouth now, and nod repeatedly.  And not stop smiling.  He then goes, "So, is that a yes?"

I take my hands off my mouth and gasp out a pathetic yes. lol  And I still can't stop smiling.

(Even now, typing this out, my eyes are once again filled with tears.  And I can't stop smiling.  And my heart is pounding.  How I love this man so.)

I then go back home, and leave this message, written with sharpie, on a napkin, by the coffee machine where my roommate can read it, "He asked to court me tonight!"  (or some version of that)

And thus began our courtship.  In June.  About 2-3 weeks after we were matched on E-Harmony.

We knew where this was heading.  We acknowledged it.  We told our accountability partners.  And we continued to pray.  And he would text me, "Good morning, beautiful."  every morning.  And he would call me on the weekends with, "Good morning, beautiful".  And we chose to not kiss, or even hold hands.  But to not allow the physical stuff to get in the way of getting to know each other.  (Neither one of us wanted that temptation to be even more expounded and difficult.)

And then, July hit.

After discussing with the bro & sis, and after praying about it, I decided to ask for some days off and head up to NM w/ him to meet his two best friends getting married.  (to each other, in case anyone needs clarification on that one...)

Our first road trip together, after only knowing each other for maybe 3 weeks.  maybe a month.

Major discussion happened on that trip.  A lot of tears.  A lot of sharing.  But also, a lot of laughs.

And a lot of being spoiled by this man.  Who took me to the dinosaur museum.  And bought me a project to do w/ my kiddos.  And let me gasp and ohhh and ahhhh.  And didn't mind that I let all of my science nerdiness out in full force, in public.  And who actually joined in the nerdiness.

And we both realized....the beginning of the end....of our singleness season....

I loved his best friends.  And miss them terribly as they live far away.  But we knew that this courtship was heading into marriage.  We just didn't know the timeline of it all.  (By the way...during this trip was the first time that we held hands, if I remember correctly...)

So fast forward.  July 2013.  And just two months into our courtship, we finally decide to head to my church to check it out (my old church, that is...).  We're in the parking lot outside the apartments, and I start dusting off his shirt due to cat hair or some such, and I tell him to turn around.  And he says, hold on, as I'm trying to grab his shoulder to turn around...

And then he bends down on one knee, in a beautiful cool morning (okay, cool for Texas summers), with quiet all around, sunshine blazing, birds singing, and nobody at all around us), and asks, "Will you do me the honor of marrying me and becoming my wife?"

To which I respond, once again, with hands to mouth and nodding. LOL  I am HORRIBLE at spontaneous reactions. LOLOLOL

I say yes, he puts on the ring, and I hug this man til I can't hug no more.

The ring is beautiful.  And the only piece of jewelry that I wear, and miss, when it's not on my finger.

So, we begin planning for a December wedding.  The day after I get out of work, actually.  So that way I have Christmas break for our honeymoon, and I'm not having to worry about work, and he can take his vacation time, etc.

Anywho...

Fast forward.  Add some drama to my life.  And then a double dose of more drama.  Now a triple dose.

And we pray.  And seek counsel.  And pray some more, together.

I don't want to wait.  I'm ready.  I don't want to deal w/ the stress of planning this wedding.  (For stressed I most certainly am...just ask the three people who were helping me try to plan this wedding.  Many, many tears were involved, and it was only in the beginning stages.)  Not only that, but other things were going down in my life.  And I didn't want to wait.  I've waited so long for this man.  I've waited 12 years for this man.

And, I realize.  I'm ready.  I...really....am....ready.  I don't want the hype.  The pomp.  Or anything else.  I want...quiet.  And peace.  And....to have time to enjoy.

So we decide to quietly elope.  (What every woman thinks about, is what I've been told.)  And we have a dear friend of his witness and lead us into this new season together.  Eric, I and God.  What I wanted to begin with.  What I longed for with all of my heart.

And what most of you don't know, was that was two weeks before we did the courthouse proceedings.  So, I've technically been married twice. :) lol  FB only got to see those pics.  :)  And Eric and I now joke that I get more presents in the month of August: 2 anniversary dates, and my birthday. lol  I really do like presents...and I love giving those random ones too!

So, that's the story of us.

How we met.  Became in love.  And married.

With no regrets.  I love this man.  I...can no longer imagine life without this man by my side.  He supports me, strengthens me, encourages me, and holds me when I break down.  He is gentle, kind, strong, weak (his reliance on the Lord...just...amazes this stubborn me so much).  He is everything I have been praying for for so long.

And to think...

I almost gave in to the counterfeit.  I almost settled with something that was so very less than the best He had for me.

Now that you know the story of us, if you want to come celebrate with us, let me know.  We'd love to have you.  We'd love for you to be a very special part of our very unique family.

Why?

Because He has placed me in a new family now.  A family that I have longed for, prayed for.  (omg I'm seriously crying buckets right now)  He has taken what this orphan heart, and has filled it with so much joy, peace, happiness.  He has made me new.

And as I sit and type this, with tears pouring down my face, and sobs chocking out my mouth, I cannot convey just how truly blessed I am.  To have each and every one of my spiritual family to be a part of this.  To realize just how each of you have encouraged me, and continue to do so.  You all have been a part of this journey with me.  You have seen me, watched me, helped mold and shape me, helped to grow me up and strengthen me.  And I would never have been able to go on this journey of "us" if it wasn't for every single one of you.

And I am thankful and so very grateful to you.  My heart is overflowing.  For those near.  And for those far away.

Every. single. one. of. you. played a part in this.

I cannot stress this enough.

And to my new family.  The new ones that have taken me in as their own.

Paul.  Rachel.  Pops & Peg.

You all have no idea just how much you've filled the hole in my heart.  (and yes, I'm sobbing once again.)  A hole that so many didn't know was there.  Except for the few I allowed in.  How my heart has been crying out for family.  For...something that has been so hard to explain.

To see so many around me, and yet to feel so far apart.  To only realize now that I have a family who has taken me in.  And encouraged.  And...just....I so wish I could explain this better.  But just know that you all have no idea just how much you mean to me.

And for those of you all who are my extended spiritual family, my real family in my eyes, who have stuck with me through so much...the counselling, the anger and rages, the going out to parks and beating trees up with measly sticks....who have sat at park benches in nasty humidity and let me talk and pour out my heart, who called me every holiday, or texted me, knowing that I hated holidays...to those of you who have witnessed my deliverance, my kicking the cocoon and emerging into this gorgeous butterfly, or flower if you hate butterflies....to those of you who have given me words, encouraged me, spoke your mind, and called me out on my crap....to those of you who have NEVER given up on me when so many times I gave up on myself...

Thank you.

It's because of you all that I'm sitting here, typing as my husband is at church, sitting here getting ready for our photo shoot session for our pictures.

It's because of you, your prayers, your words.

It's because of you that I waited.  It's because of you that I didn't end my life during those very, very dark times when all I wanted was to commit suicide.  It was because of you that I held on to the promises that were given to me.  It was because of you that God showed me the meaning of what being in His family is.  It was because of each one of you that I never lost hope, when everything around me seemed so hopeless.  In the darkest of seasons, in the darkest of the storms, you never let me go; you held on; you hugged me; you let me cry on your shoulder; you cried with me, and mourned with me; you wiped the tears off my face and handed me tissues.

So.

Thank you.

I love you.

And I hope every single one of you will be able to come celebrate this thankful heart for all that you have done for me.

In Him,
Alex

AAAGGGHHH

So it's been a few months since I've written anything.  I have no idea why. Maybe because life has changed drastically for me, & all for the better. 

Let's recap, shall we?  June met my husband,  July got engaged.  August got married & moved. And opened up a new program with my job. And saw the most busiest and hectic school yr of my wking life.

Not only that, but wked the entire summer with no break, including a rm that no one wanted to be in.  But one that I loved.  (They'll always be my babies no matter how big they get or how bad they behave.)

So. Yeah. Life has been crazy hectic. Not to mention having to deal with the numerous rumors & gossip of the whole reason why I got married.  *insert eye roll*  So, bear with me as I clear up some things and answer others today.

1. No, I am not pregnant nor was I ever pregnant,  resulting in why I got married.  If you thought that before,  shame on you for not knowing me as well as you thought.

2. The reason I kept quiet: okay peeps. By definition,  the nature of an elopement is quietness.  For once in my adult life,  I wanted to keep certain things to myself.  It was quite lovely to be able to have time to adjust and to not have the whole world know my business.  If that offends you, I am sorry. But after talking with the hubby, I realize I shouldn't have to apologize for that. This decision was made between he and I, as we are the ones sharing covenant together,  & it was fully made with his backing & knowledge.  Now with that being said,  the quietness was more for my sanity than anything else.  Eric & I took that time to just...be. Something that we both are immensely glad for right now.

3. Why I've been so quiet lately...  It isn't because I don't want to hang. I do. I just don't have the time, energy or capacity to right now.  This is where I have had to draw a line. I am choosing to invest in my marriage and my husband.  For all my married friends, I sincerely owe you an apology.  I had no idea how hard it is/was to juggle friendship maintenance and married life demands. And I judged you all on how you kinda threw me under the bus, per se, when you got married.  I never said anything,  but I am soooo sorry. It's hard trying to do all of 'this', & I have much to learn from those who have found a good balance.  Teach me please!!!!

4. For those that have stuck by me, thank you. So much has been happening in my personal life.  & I thank you for listening to me, & praying with me.  And for pouring in to me. You have no idea how much that has lifted my spirit and helped during the drama of the month. Thank you!

Now, I hope you didn't think that I'd end it just there.  The one thing that I can say without a doubt is that my Abba is good, & He is faithful.  As I'm learning to surrender and lay down my life for this ministry called marriage,  I can tell you so much I have already learned, both from the Mama & from my husband.  (Thanks Lynn for coffee dates!)  I am always astounded at my husband's love for me, & his willingness to sacrifice and speak into not just me, but the people and kids I work with.  What an amazing blessing I was given the day I said 'I do'. (& yes, honey, that includes the puns in the middle of Wal-Mart.) 

So, in closing,  know that each day has been ones of battles fought,  victories earned, & humbling myself to learn from some of the most amazing people around me.  It has been an honor and a privilege to walk with some of you. And to know that the best is yet to come!!! :)

Until next time,  my friends.  :)

Oh. Expect an e-vite & fb msg soon from me on a celebration party in December! : D

8 months...& forgetting it!

Well, by now, everyone's used to me posting my monthly progress reports of weight loss and such.

Well, this month, I can't do it.

Probably because I haven't really stepped on a scale in, well, awhile.  I've been busy. :)

With an amazing man in my life.  Who is my fiance!!!! OMG YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!  *happy dance ensues*

I could tell you about everything that is happening now, has happened, and is continuing to happen, but I think for now, I'm going to keep all of that private except for the few.

Just know...I'm not ignoring you all.  I'm just...once again...working on other things.  But I'll be most definitely glad to be back in the groove of things come the start of a new school year!  I'm counting down the days already!!!! :D

With that being said, until another time when I can spend more than a few minutes.

Ohh....and I know...most everyone wants to know the story of us.

Well, you're gonna have to wait.  Working on the website now.  Chill out, read a good book, and wait. ;)  It'll be worth it.  Trust me!  LOTS of God moments in it all. :)

Oh...and to answer EVERYONE'S question...yes, we have a date already set.  No, I'm not ready to share it yet (those who need to know, know).  And, though I love so many of you, we are choosing to have a private ceremony, with an OPEN reception.  Once the details get finalized, I promise I'll share. :)

Seriously?!?....6-26-13

Okay...so this is all verbal vomit.  I apologize now.  I sincerely do.  But if you don't want to read on, don't.  Fair warning...words won't be nearly as pretty this time 'round.

Sooo....

Getting a contact text message, and other contact stuff, from a previous person from my past...Yeah, not so much.  Yeah.  You know.  The same person who attempted marriage proposal through text.  The same person who...okay...I really really really need to just leave it at that.

Guy, what in the world were you thinking?!  I've moved on.  It doesn't include you.  I'd apologize for that, but frankly, I don't feel the necessity to.

I dealt with the fall-out from you.  And my gosh was there fall-out from you.  And I didn't even realize it til AFTER I dealt with it.  The emotional manipulation.  The...wanting to control, to trying to make you the center of my universe.  Yeah.  No.  Oh hell no.  Sooooo not happening.  Sorry.  I already had one man in my life try and do that.  I'm not about to willingly enter into another one.  I refuse to allow myself to be abused once again.  NOT HAPPENING.

And yes.  I am royally pissed.  Pissed at the enemy.  Pissed at this man who thinks it's okay, after months, to just waltz back into my life and pick up as if nothing ever happened.

No. freakin'. way.

I refuse.

Just...AAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHHH.  So, my response to this:  (copied directly from my text message, minus a few details like names, etc.)

"Alex!??"

"Hello..."

"Ru alex???"

"Yes...I'm sorry.  Who is this?"  (okay...in my defense...stupid now I realize...since all of my parents from work have my number, I never know when I'll be contacted for my primary job...it's happened this late before, especially if there are...special circumstances...with my kiddos)

" (insert man's name here)"

"Ohhh.  Okay."  (I may be wordy, but what the heck do you expect me to say, when I had no clue and you freakin' came out of the woodworks like a cockroach.  SERIOUSLY?!?!?!)

"Wow not the response I hoped for..."  (Again, WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?!?!??!?!??!?!  I take back my original statement from fb.  Boys are weird.  Now, I know there are exceptions, like EF, and DM, and BT, and...okay, you get the point.  But still.  Did you expect me to jump for joy and be yippee!! ?!?!  Um, no thank you.)

"...I don't know how to respond.  Except to be as truthful as possible.  It's been a really long time since I've heard from you.  And during that time, I met an amazing man...."

And I promise, there's a reason why I'm typing all of this out, even if most of it first began in anger.  (I've calmed down as I've typed.)

That last statement from me...

...was all true.  I have met an amazing man.  He is a man who is pursuing God with all he knows how.  He is a man who makes me dig in the word daily when he sends me scriptures in the morning and makes me have to think and ponder those things.  He is a man who understands boundaries, and has been so very careful with my heart.  He is a man who is...in a nutshell...absolutely amazing.

I know.  I sound...sappy.  Yes, I realize this.  And I'm okay with this.  This is probably the only time you'll ever hear me announce to the world, at this point, how amazingly sappy I am.  So, get over it.  You'll be okay.

I've not only moved on.  I've realized just how wrong that person was.  That, if I had allowed myself to choose him, I would have settled for something that was so not God's best.  And I thank those friends who put up so many red flags in front of my face.  I thank them for seeing those things which I couldn't, because of my own woundings.

And now that He has been healing me and setting me free, allowing my wings to expand, my petals to bloom into something amazing and beautiful...

It's at this time how clearly I can see just how amazing my Abba is.  To answer such a call of my heart.  To know...that I'm being pursued...by an AMAZING man.  And that this journey has not only been one of discovering, but of growing.  Of learning to release my fears and allowing Him to capture my heart even more to His.

And I can't help but get this amazingly goofy grin on my face.  Why?  Because I'm not only happy.  I'm not only joyful.

I realize...I'm finally being set free.

And that in order to get to that point, I had to go through all of this.  Every.  Single.  Bit.

And I wouldn't change a thing.

I'm learning to be grateful for the junk, the crap, the heartache, the tears, and yeah, even the anger.  Each of those...has made me who I am, in some form, fashion and shape.  And I can't help but rejoice at just how amazing He is making me to be.

And I have to admit...having this amazing man speaking amazing things over me...has helped.  More than I could probably tell him to his face.  (surprise!!! lol)  Because I take those things, and ponder them, and allow that part of my heart to go, "oh.  wow.  He...likes me...  He...really...likes...me."

And not for what I could do for him, what I could give him, or because I could fulfill some need in him.

But he likes me...for me.  For who I am.  He sees my heart, my character, and...is amazed.

And I've gotta admit, I'm amazed back.

So, welcome to the new journey I'm on.  It's one that's been coming for a long while.

The journey of discovering...the pursuit. :)

(And for my nosey rosey friends, that's about the only update you're gonna get on this, so soak it in real good.)

Let the typing begin.....6-24-13

I know.  I should be in bed by now.  (On a random note, the time is 11:11.  The number 11 stands for deliverance & judgment.  Numbers together means double portion.)  I've seen those numbers a lot.  Like, a lot a lot lately.

Anywho...

I was thinking tonight.  Dangerous thing that.  As much as I can laugh things off, it's in the quiet places where my mind begins to piece different things together.  When I can finally sit in the quiet, in the secret, and really think.  It's also when MC asks me those open-ended questions that I have no choice but to answer, and not shy away from or hide.  You know the ones.  The ones that make you cringe because you know you have to really sit and examine not only your heart, but your emotions as well.

Tonight's been one of those nights.  And it actually started before talking with her.  Before talking with EF.  Just...before.  At 4:26am to be exact.  No, even further than that.  At 3:00am when I woke up "randomly".  *snorts*  There's no random in my life anymore.  Everything happens for a purpose.

Anywho...

Just...thinking...  On a lot of things.  A lot has been on my heart and my mind, and I'm realizing just how hard it is for me to share them.  Some of them I'm willing to, but others, others....others stay real close to my heart.  Not to be let out except for in the quiet of the night.  And mostly because I wouldn't even know where to begin explaining this.  I wouldn't know how to explain it.  Words...aren't necessarily my forte when it comes to my emotions.  It's easier for me to show you than it is for me to say it.

Thoughts like:
1. I wish I knew how to do this. I wish I knew, and was better at it.  Because I feel like a complete failure when it comes to this.

2. Running scared.  When things hit me, they hit me hard.  And all I want to do sometimes is pack my things, throw my hands in the air, and run.  I just...there's been so many emotions lately, that sometimes, all I can do is shout out, JESUS!!, in the hopes that I don't become snowballed under everything.  No one's fault but my own when I don't verbalize what I'm needing/feeling, and I should. *sigh*  See #1.

3. I desperately long for a hug.  Just one, giant, massive, big hug.  Why?  Because I can feel all of my insecurities beginning to pour out.  And it's not pretty.  It's messy, this life.  It's messy, doing life period.  And for most of my day, all I really want is someone to say, "I've got this."  Instead of me having to constantly fight the battle of perfectionism that I tend to veer towards when in unknown situations.  I miss those days when PT would look at me, and immediately knew if I needed a hug.  The arms would open wide, and I'd actually walk quite rapidly into them.  Strange for me, I know.  (Hey, physical touch boundaries...)  And remember always feeling safe, that no matter, even if that person knew every bad thing about me, I'd always be welcome in their arms.  Or being able to walk up at random moments, and say, "I need a hug," and arms would come around me.  I...miss that, frankly.  I miss being able to do that.  Which is, again, weird for me.  I can see just how far He has taken me when it comes in this area.  I never thought I'd ever say I miss physical touch when it comes to hugs.  But I've had an excellent spiritual family who's done nothing but love on me through hugs, so I guess it makes sense. :)

Even with all of that, I know one thing.

The goodness of God still amazes me.

Always has.
Always will.

So, I'll go to bed with a smile on my face, knowing that no matter what, my perfect peace and safe harbor is in Jesus Christ, my rock and my redeemer.  My strength and fortress in times of need.

And I remember...

I'll not only be okay.
I'll come out shining in the end.

And on my lips at the end of nights like this, all I can say is, Thank You, Jesus.  Thank You that YOU are my all in all.  I rely on You and You alone.

And then I say, "More Lord.  More."

Out of the abundance of the heart... 6-19-13

...this mouth speaks. :)

You know, I should really be in bed right now.  But, I can't seem to.  Once again, I'm extremely wired and excited.  And I blame it all on God...in a good way. :P

I had the amazing privilege to sit and talk with the bestie via phone date tonight, and she let me talk.  And talk.  And talk.  And talk.  (Oh my gosh, thanks for that!)  For an hour, I just got to share everything that's been on my heart and my mind, something that I've been needing to do for awhile now.  I've been keeping quite a bit of things quiet on the home front, and I'm okay with that. :)  There's been so much transition that's been going on, with work, with life, with spiritual things.  I just...if I could attempt to put everything onto this blog, I'd be sitting here for over 2 hours.  I reeeaaaaalllllyyyyy don't want to be here that long.

The biggest thing in my life has been the changes that I've noticed in me spiritually.  As tough as that race was in May (see previous blog about Spartan Race/Biggest Loser RunWalk), I know that something shifted in me spiritually.  Something broke in me that I have been waiting for so long to finally let go of.  And ever since that day, the glow in my heart has been getting stronger.

As the roommate put it (and if I butcher your words, sorry Ms. P!), it's like the Lord has been working on my foundations to strengthen them, and now that they've been strengthened, He's begun to build up the wall that surrounds the foundation, creating an ever stronger structure.  ME! :)

I can see how that's happening, and it all starts with the people He has surrounded me with.  Too numerous to mention, yet each one of you plays a special part in my life, and you never even realize!  From hugs, to words of encouragement, to spending time with me, to talking with me...all I can say is, I am so very much grateful that He's placed you in my life.  Thanks for that. :)

Another change that has come about has been mentally.  I no longer walk in fear of certain...things.  I am walking with an excitement, looking towards the future and asking, "Abba Father, what do You have for me?"  Or just looking up at Him in the mornings and smiling, knowing that it's been another night without nightmares (minus one last night...but it doesn't count...because it was weird...and I didn't like it...).  It's also been a bit, umm..., easier?! to capture my thoughts in the area of struggles and temptations, especially when it comes to past addictions.  It's been a bit crazy just to realize how swiftly I've come to recognize a thought as contrary to the Word, then going, "No!  I refuse to entertain you!  You have no right or entrance into my thought life, and I choose the Word .....(insert verse here of what's needed at the time)."  I never thought this day would come.  To finally be on the VICTORS side of this battle.  Yes, I still know I'll have days.  But you know what?!  My victorious days have far out-weighed the bad days, and I will rejoice in that.  And I've gotta thank D & M for the constant accountability, and the glared looks *cough cough* when I'm NOT walking in the Word! lol  (By the way, D can give some serious glared looks...makes me shrink every time! lol)

And lastly, the 3rd change.  Physically.  As someone said it earlier this past weekend, the weight on my shoulders has lifted off.  I've been walking in so much more freedom.  And the more freedom I've walked in, the more the weight has come off.  The more that I don't long to hide anymore, but I look forward to blooming, to seeing where God wants me to be.  And I am absolutely thrilled!  I have waited for this moment for so long.  (yay, the tears are coming now)  The knock down drag out fights with God, the anger, the tears, the ripping open of wounds, the displaying of all the crap for others to see when/as needed...this all to serve a purpose.  To get me to this place of freedom.  And though this journey has been one of the toughest for me, I cannot say that I regret it.  Because I don't.  I'm...thankful.  I'm...thankful...for EVERYTHING that's happened.  The good.  The bad.  The ugly.  I am truly thankful.  Not because it was right.  But because without it, I wouldn't be who I am, or where I am, that I am now.  (That was a Dr. Seuss moment there! ha) My past, my mistakes, my struggles, my trials, my temptations, my battles...my victories, my scars, my healings...all of this has made me to exactly who I am today.

And it's allowed me to realize some things...

1. I am loved beyond measure.
   I know that He loves me.  But not only does HE love me, but others do too.  It didn't really think they did. Why?  Because I always thought I wasn't worthy to be loved.  I wasn't worthy of love.  I didn't, couldn't, deserve it.  Even though others told me they loved me, I always secretly called them liars in my heart.  But, by golly, you peeps hung on to me.  You never let me forget just how much I am loved.  I see it via facebook, text messages, phone calls...  I see it when you hug me extra long, even when I don't didn't want it.  I see it when you cry with me, when you laugh with me, when you hold my hand and tell me it's going to be okay.  I see it when you dance with me, when you smile at me, when you let me put my head on your shoulder because you're taller and know I'm tired.  I see it every time, and I never thanked you all for that.  So, thank you.  God's been breaking the uglies off of me, and I can see, I'm turning out to be quite beautiful.

2.  I am wanted.
   Yet another struggle.  Who'd want me?  It all goes back to #1.  And despite everything, there's many of you who have made me realize just how wanted I am.  You all have no idea just how much you've saved my life.  At moments when I contemplated harming myself, your pictures would flash through my eyes, and I'd realize...it's not worth it.  Thank you for hanging on during the tough, crazy seasons.  Thank you for talking me off ledges, for holding me in your arms and letting me weep in them when I had no words to say what I was feeling.  Thank you for being my mothers, my fathers, my brothers, my sisters.  Thank you so much.  (ohmygolly I'm a freakin' water bucket tonight!)

3.  I am free.
   I....yeah.  Just...how to describe?  Knowing that freedom is...amazing?  That I don't doubt.  And I've got to thank some special people for that too.  Because you all hung on to the vision of my freedom, even when I no longer could see how it was possible.  You were there when I had to set boundaries, had to do the hard stuff, when I snot ragged everywhere, when I had to leave because I couldn't hold in my tears.  You were there when I needed hugs, hands, arms, hearts.  You were there when all I could do was look at you all with tears in my eyes, shake my head, and hide behind my hands because I was too ashamed to say the words.  You were there when you began to see the freedom breaking out, the healing beginning, and the wounds being healed.  You were there.  And I thank you.  I thank you for carrying that vision, that mantle, those words, spoken over me.  I thank you so very much for NEVER giving up on me, when I was so ready to quit on myself.

And two very special people I thank in my life.  One for teaching me all of the above, and yet walking out her own amazing journey.  She has believed in me from the beginning, stuck by me through all the junk, and refused to allow me to retreat and surrender, even when she had to drag me by my very short hair.  She made sure I went to every counseling appointment (by making sure I didn't cancel! lol), then waited patiently for me as I spewed everything on her.  She was there through deliverance, through healing, through freedom, through struggles, through rough patches, through anger and madness and depression.  And not once did she ever leave my side.  But instead, she stuck even closer.  She became my sister.  My family.  My very own female Jonathon.  Thank you, Mari.

The second, to a man who has taught me that not only am I precious, but I'm special.  Who makes fun of me because he loves me.  Who taught me it's not nice to hit boys.  Who taught me how to believe in myself, because he believed in me.  Who listened to my ramblings, who counseled me when it came to guys.  Who answered every single one of my questions about guys, and never flinched.  Who made me laugh at myself and my mistakes.  Who spoke strong words when needed, was quiet when needed, and who stuck up for me, and made sure I stuck up for myself.  Who helped me learn what setting boundaries is.  Who made me then stick to those damn boundaries. Who taught me to say no, who taught me to respect what I want and need.  Who still teaches me, and never even realizes it.  Who always answers my text replies for hugs with a smiley.  Who lets me buy random presents and bring them to show that always make me laugh if I know they're "him".  Who meets me for monthly dinners because I miss our random conversations.  He became my big brother.  My family.  A man I greatly respect and regard highly.  Thank you, Daniel.

And for the rest of you, I love you all too.  I haven't forgotten about you.  As a matter of fact, each one of your faces is flashing before my eyes.  I see you, and smile, and remember just those ways I am so very grateful for you.  And it excites me to know that life is still happening, still doing.  And it's good.

And before the 'rents feel left out...to the spiritual parents in my life.  Who've slapped me upside the head with truth and Word.  Who've held me, hugged me, tucked me into their arms and let me sob it all out.  Who've teased me unmercifully.  Who've talked me off ledges.  Who've walked me out of tight spots.  Who've prayed over me, with me, for me.  Who've seen all of my junk in its ugliest forms, and never flinched, judged or laughed.  Instead, they loved me, poured into me, saw me, acknowledged me, and then began to call out in me the God-awesomeness they saw in me.  They never stopped believing in me, for me.  And I love them so very much.  (ugh!  More tears!!!!)  Words cannot express just how much I love and adore you in my life.  And how very much I am humbled to call you parents.  Thank you, Papa Treiber, Jan, Lynn and Mr. Hector.  I look forward to baking many more amazing goodies for you all. :)  *cough cough*