Scream Session: Hanging it out there

Tonight, I had a scream session with God.  It went something like this:

Me: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
God: .....
Me: sobbing and hitting the bed over and over again...AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
God: ...............
Me: IT'S NOT EVEN WORTH IT ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
God: ..........Let it all out now, honey.......
Me: I HATE THIS. I CAN'T STAND THIS. I'M SICK OF IT. I'M DONE.  I WANT OUT! YOU SAID (which I will not state for the world), AND YET IT'S STILL THE SAME DAMN THING OVER AND OVER AGAIN?! WTF?????? (yes, people, I swear in moments of anger/rage...pretty sure He can take it...just needed to let it all out...and still working on it)
God: Anything else, my love?
Me: I feel sick.  I want to throw up.
God: No.
Me: Why can't You just make this easy?  Instead, I do everything I can to (will not state, again), and it seems that at every chance I finally (will not state), the world of s*** happens and opens up the floodgates for more s***.
God: Do you love Me?
Me: .........(looooooong pause here, due to anger and frustration)................. Yes.  Sometimes I'd rather not.  Sometimes I wonder if it would be easier if I had never known You in the first place.  Sometimes, I wonder what would have happened if I never became a believer.  But even in those moments, I know that I can't help but love You.  Because I still feel You here.  I KNOW You're here, even when it doesn't seem like it.
God: Then just love Me.  When that's all you have the energy for, all I want from you is your love.  That's it.
Me: But how am I ever going to (will not state)????????

And this is where this conversation stops.  I know it's because in my heart, in my mind, I don't see a way.  Mathematically speaking, there isn't.  There really really isn't.  Unless I win the lottery.  Or an orchard of money trees suddenly appears in my bedroom.  Mathematically, there is no way in this world that I can ever catch up to where I need to be, and not still be where I am today.  Even if I were to increase in certain areas, in all actuality, it would still be the same.  I've done the math of this this week.  No matter what, it'd still be the same, but probably worse, as certain things would be taken away due to other certain things from the past.

So, tonight, I had a scream session.  It's been awhile.

I put on music, blared it the loudest I could stand it, and just screamed and cried and sobbed and snotted.

Do I feel better?  Not really, truth be told.  I just feel tired.  I just want to throw up.  My chest hearts as if an anxiety attack is right around the corner.  And all I can imagine myself doing is curling in a ball and rocking back and forth.

Truth be told, it hasn't been this bad in several months...

And as I type, in my mind I'm going, why in the world am I sharing all of this???
And then I hear the answer: Because so many times we as believers put on the happy face, the joyful face, the face that tells the world it's all good, nothing's wrong, yada yada yada yada yada.  When in reality, we're screaming inside, we're hurting, we're questioning, we're doubting, we're having our moment(s) in the desert.
And I'm tired of always portraying that everything's hunky dory.  Doesn't mean I want to word vomit everywhere, but I want people to realize that we ALL struggle, no matter how strong you think a person is, WE ALL STRUGGLE.

Which is probably why we are to pray for one another, to sing psalms and hymns to each other.  Because we're not always going to be joyful.  We don't always want to hear that perfect Christian answer (I know that right now, I'd like to beat anyone who would suggest a nice Christian answer.)
So in this writing, I hope I'm giving others hope...

That they're not the only ones who have scream sessions with God
They're not the only ones who have their desert moments
Who wonder what in heaven is going on
Who wonder where God is at times
They're not the only ones that just want to scream and sob and flail and throw/hit things

Does any of that make it better?
No, not really.
But I know that, in reality, even now, I feel that weight lifting.

Why?
Because I shed light into that dark place, that rage that most people don't get to see.
I'm letting go of the facade and being real.
I'm choosing to believe, though I don't see it, understand it, and yes, sometimes doubt it, that somehow, He will make a way.  I don't know how.  Short of absolute forgiveness of my debts, there is no way to ever catch up.  But if I don't believe that He'll make a way, honestly, I know that I'll lose hope.  And then I'll just quit.  Because there's only so much that can be taken without short of a meltdown.

So, God, here's my meltdown.  You saw it.  You heard it.
And I don't know why You're having me share all of this...
But I hope that somewhere, this shows somebody that they're not alone amid crappy circumstances.

*sigh*
All I want, my Abba, is to be free.  Free from debt, free from all the crappy onion layers that are yet to come...just free.

Yeah, not the usual peppy blog tonight.

Recipe: Egg McMuggin'

1/2 slice light bread (used 1 whole slice of 10-grain bread)
1/2 cup fat-free liquid egg substitute
1 1/4 ounces (abt 3 slices) 97-98% fat-free ham, chopped
1 wedge The Laughing Cow Light Original Swiss cheese (I have fallen in love w/ the Laughing Cow)
1 tbsp shredded fat-free cheddar cheese

Toast bread, and then cut into cubes.
Spray a large microwave-safe mug lightly with nonstick spray.  Add bread cubes, egg substitute, ham, and cheese wedge, breaking cheese into pieces as you add it.  Mix gently.  Microwave 1 minute.
Lightly stir, and then top w/ shredded cheese.  Microwave for another 45-60 seconds, until scramble is just set. (I did the full 60)
Stir and enjoy!

Per serving (entire mug): 174 calories (add the extra calories in if you're going to put the whole slice of bread rather than the half slice), 3.25g fat, 1,081mg sodium (you can change this by choice of meat, just remember to stay w/in the 3 slices = 60 calories range), 9g carbs, 1g fiber (more depending on type of bread...I wonder how it would be like w/ ground flaxseed?), 2.5g sugars, 25g protein

Taken from: Hungry Girl 1-2-3: The Easiest, Most Delicious, Guilt-Free Recipes on the Planet, by Lisa Lillien

Hope Now

Today was the first day that I have taken a day off for me.  A personal day.  Not 'cause I have to do something or go somewhere.  But because I needed to take a day, to step back, to pray, to think, to worship, to listen.  But also to celebrate.  To slam my banner into the ground, declaring that this is a new season, a new beginning.

I went to go see Lisa Lillien at her book signing tonight.  She's the lady who does Hungry Girl.  I know, you're probably wondering why that's such a monumental thing for me.

Probably 'cause she was the first cookbook that made me REALLY start to think that there was a way to eat healthy...and like it.
Not only that, but I just absolutely LOVE her.

And add to that, as I was praying today, just really felt that it was time to lay a new foundation.  A foundation of healthiness.  I wanted to meet someone who was striving in this area, and doing well, and ENJOYING it.  I think I've met very few people who really ENJOY every aspect of healthiness, and who really walk in it.  (They talk AND walk, something I'm still struggling w/ when I wear flip flops.)

Anywho, it got me to thinking.

That, and the talk w/ Bethany last night.

How much do I value being healthy?
How much am I willing to change and forsake...all because I hear in His still, small voice, that it really is time to grow-up and make some changes in my life?

And the biggest one being in the health department.

(Oh, how I will mourn my chocolate binges.)

Anywho...

Just realizing that the journey of weight loss, of being, eating, feeling, acting, healthy...for me, is a direct link to the healing in my heart.

The more I struggle w/ the issue of weight, the more I realize that my heart is still struggling in the areas of forgiveness, bitterness, anger...and doubt.

And the one thing He has promised me: supernatural weight loss.

I actually was questioning Him on that one last night.  Going, "Ummmmm....??!?!?!?!?!?!"

Probably because I had my doubting Thomas moment, that moment when I kinda look up and go, "well, good luck with that one, Jesus."

But I really and truly began to hear Him yesterday during my quiet time: that my weight loss journey is like an onion layer.  Portions keep getting peeled back.  The more peeling, the more tears that will come through.  Why?  Because I've allowed the weight to be on for a reason.  To hide.  I didn't want to be seen, to be known, to be touched....if at all possible, I would have chosen to be invisible.  Why?  So I'd never have to be hurt again.  So I'd never have to be abused again.  (yeah, I'm sharing my testimony here, and feeling a little faint at the fact)  My whole thought process went something like this: if I'm fat and ugly, no one will see me.  No man will see me.  And therefore I can't be hurt.  I'm no longer desirable.  I'm no longer an object for someone's want or desire.  So the one thing I can control in this crazy world is food, and what I eat, and because I feel that I have no control in any area, I'm CHOOSING to give up control in what I eat.


God, that took a lot for me to type.  I think because some of this I'm still slowly discovering for myself, not just in head knowledge, but heart knowledge too.

So I just chose to let life slip past in some sense.  And I had great moments of winning the small battles, but as soon as I hit a certain point where someone/others began to notice me, I immediately slid back into that same pattern of food intake.

So, publically, I'm going to share my goal, the one thing that I want to learn to overcome in this journey: that it's okay to look and feel beautiful.  It's okay to be noticed...for the right things.  I want to choose not to hide, but to, instead, allow the light of my Jesus to shine through me, in me, around me, and show others the beauty He's placed in me.

Is it going to be easy?  No.
In fact, it will probably be the 2nd hardest thing I've done in my life.
But I believe that it's going to be well worth it.

I have to believe.
Because He's told me it's true.

I'm beautiful.

Now, what will you choose to believe?
Will you choose to believe the lies, that food will fill the void, will satisfy the hunger, the craving, that you have?
Or will you choose to believe that the only One who can satisfy, is the Lord Jesus?  The One who loves you eternally, no matter what you've done, you're doing, or will do?  No matter what you eat, what you look like, what you feel like....His love never goes away, never leaves you.

If you choose to believe...
then begin to walk the path of a holy temple.
A path of healthiness.
A path that leads to building up your body,
so you can run the race He has set before you.
And run it, not tired, exhausted, crabby, grumpy, pissy, bitter, or overweight (hey, I can say it 'cause I'm there right now).
But instead, run it feeling whole, healed, beautiful, loved and FREE from the sin of gluttony, control (witchcraft) and rebellion.

Submit EVERY aspect and area of food/exercise to Him, and watch what He'll do with it.

Will it be easy?

No.

Will it be worth it?

I have to believe that, in the end, it will ALL be worth it. :)

Recipe: Crustless Spinach Quiche

1 tblsp vegetable oil (I prefer EVOO)
1 onion, chopped
1 10-oz pkg frozen chopped spinach, thawed and drained, or 8 cups fresh spinach
5 eggs beaten (I used 10 to make it in a cake pan)
3 c. shredded cheese
1/4 tsp salt
1/8 tsp pepper

1. Preheat oven 350 degrees.  Lightly grease 9" pie pan (or a regular rectangular size cake pan).
2. Heat oil in skillet over med-hi heat.  Add onions and cook, til onions are soft.  Stir in spinach and continue cooking til excess moisture evaporated.  (add-on veggies go in the saute pan as well, I just tossed them in w/ the onions)
3. in a large bowl, combine eggs, cheese, salt and pepper.  Add spinach mix and stir to blend.  Scoop into pie pan.
4. Bake til eggs set, abt 30 min.  Let cool 10 minutes before serving.

Makes 6 servings in pie pan, 309 cal/serving

add-on: chopped scallions, top w/ tomato slices, minced garlic, diced ham, only 2 c. cheese, fresh basil/dill, green peppers

note: greased muffin tins can be used.  2 of these = under 100 calories.  (2 pts weight watchers) if use low fat feta and egg beaters substitute.

Recipe: Pasta with Sun-Dried Tomatoes

2 tbsp. (or more) olive oil
2 garlic cloves, minced
1 tsp. basil
2 tbsp. diced sun-dried tomatoes (if dry, reconstitute)
1/4 c. chopped yellow onion
Freshly ground pepper
Pasta, freshly cooked (linguine, angel hair, etc.)

Heat oil in saucepan, add onion and saute until translucent. Add garlic, basil, tomato. Add more olive oil, if desired. Add pepper. Toss with cooked pasta. Salt to taste.

NOTE: Here's where I differed from this basic recipe.  I sauted the onions, garlic, basil and tomato, then added the spinach (1-2 cups) on med-lo heat.  I did a quick toss, then covered the pan for 1 minute.  After the minute, stirred the mix, and re-covered for another minute.  After that, added the pasta directly into the pan, drizzled a quick coating of EVOO, then did yet another toss (MINUS the heat) and served. :)  At this point, you could also add chili pepper flakes to your taste. :)  Enjoy!!  (oh, and I put WAY more garlic than that and added Italian Seasoning while sauting the veggies)

Depending on your type of Daniel Fast, if needed, take out the pasta and add abt 1 lb of spinach to your mix with another garlic clove or 2.  And of course, increase your veggie amount. :)

Recipe: Strawberry Oatmeal Smoothie

1 c. unsweetened soy milk (I prefer almond milk)
1/2 cup rolled oats
1 banana, broken into chunks
14 strawberries, fresh or frozen
1/2 tsp pure vanilla
-2 tblsp apple/pineapple juice (this can be left out as well depending on preference)

1. In blender, combine milk, oats, banana, strawberries.
2. Add vanilla and enough juice for desired consistency; blend until smooth.  (I use ice instead of juice.)
3. Pour into glasses and serve cold.

(Makes 2 servings)

Getting back up

Ha!  I love my title. :)  (Just thought I'd mention that, especially seeing as how that's exactly what I'll be talking about tonight here in my random musings.)

Getting back up on the word that has now been given to me FOUR times.  That's right.  4.

Last night at Spirit and Life, God began to give back the joy that I had allowed the enemy to take.  Through various trials, stress, etc.  An older couple in the church (who I was sitting behind) named Tony and Elaine seriously poured into me for 40 minutes.  Talk about a prophetic word!!!  And so what I needed to hear!  (Mind you, I had just met them that night.)

Anywho, one of their words was that they could see me even more beautiful and healthy than what I was; they could see me minus the weight.  AKA supernatural weight loss.

I heard this, and my heart just soared.  Why?  Because I had chosen to give up.

This whole weight thing...I hate it.  I hate having to deal with it.  I hate having to battle it.  I just plain hate having to even try to take it off.  And when it gets too difficult, or I get too lazy, I just up and quit.  Yeah, not so much the determined person now.  (Yes, I admitted that online!)

So, today, I was talking with the Lord (aka prayer) and just began to tell Him all the frustrations that go along w/ this whole weight loss thing.  The time to invest, the money, the issues, the upside, the downside, the insecurities...everything.  (okay, let me back track...while talking w/ Tony & Elaine, I admitted to them something that I had never told anyone about in why I struggle and sabatoge myself when I do lose weight)  Everything was brought out into the light when I prayed.

And then, I realized that with the word given last night, it was a reminder from Him to me that I needed to get back up again.  That He wouldn't let me forget the words given, but instead, He wanted to begin to show me the way to the mountain top.  It's time to get out of the valley.

So, with that being said...

I started looking up all of the old stuff He had given me awhile back, going back to YEARS of things.

Recipes
exercise routines
dieting (aka eating) does and don'ts
and the plan He had given me to succeed

I dusted it off and picked it back up, CHOOSING to get back up again

Admittedly, even now, I gulp and go, "uh, wouldn't it just be easier if I, like, didn't do it?"  and "um, well, You're God...couldn't You just miraculously take the weight off?"  To which I see/hear Him shake His head in amusement at me, reminding me that this is a journey that I WILL be taking, and I choose when I get off the mountain to go into the promised land.  I choose when I get out of the desert to go into the land of milk and honey.

So, once again, I am choosing to get back up.

Several things come to mind at what I want in this journey:
1. people to encourage and support me, whether it be through prayer, through working out with me, or even through sending me workouts

2. to not be noticed during this season  (this one is a hard one to explain, but I'm gonna try).  I'd rather hear a, "I'm proud that you're getting back up" or a "I'm proud!  Keep on going girl!" rather than a, "I've noticed you've lost weight." or "You're looking good" or, well, you get the picture.  I think it's because in the first part, I hear support and encouragement, and I'm reminded to give Him all the glory.  Whereas in my head (notice IN MY HEAD part) when I hear the 2nd part, all I keep hearing is a focus on the weight issue, a focus on all the crap (does that make any sense).  So, it's much easier for cheerleaders than noticers (am I making any sense on this one?!?!).

3. prayer partners--in the times when I just want to give up and quit, to fight the demons in my head regarding weight and the seemingly large obstacles, I want people to call to remind me not to give up the fight and to keep on battling

4. healthy recipes that I'm willing to try that are inexpensive yet absolutely, utterly delicious (which He and I are working on in regards to all my old stuff)

So, yeah.

I know, random musings tonight (well, sorta).

But that's what's been on my mind. :)