Hope Now

Today was the first day that I have taken a day off for me.  A personal day.  Not 'cause I have to do something or go somewhere.  But because I needed to take a day, to step back, to pray, to think, to worship, to listen.  But also to celebrate.  To slam my banner into the ground, declaring that this is a new season, a new beginning.

I went to go see Lisa Lillien at her book signing tonight.  She's the lady who does Hungry Girl.  I know, you're probably wondering why that's such a monumental thing for me.

Probably 'cause she was the first cookbook that made me REALLY start to think that there was a way to eat healthy...and like it.
Not only that, but I just absolutely LOVE her.

And add to that, as I was praying today, just really felt that it was time to lay a new foundation.  A foundation of healthiness.  I wanted to meet someone who was striving in this area, and doing well, and ENJOYING it.  I think I've met very few people who really ENJOY every aspect of healthiness, and who really walk in it.  (They talk AND walk, something I'm still struggling w/ when I wear flip flops.)

Anywho, it got me to thinking.

That, and the talk w/ Bethany last night.

How much do I value being healthy?
How much am I willing to change and forsake...all because I hear in His still, small voice, that it really is time to grow-up and make some changes in my life?

And the biggest one being in the health department.

(Oh, how I will mourn my chocolate binges.)

Anywho...

Just realizing that the journey of weight loss, of being, eating, feeling, acting, healthy...for me, is a direct link to the healing in my heart.

The more I struggle w/ the issue of weight, the more I realize that my heart is still struggling in the areas of forgiveness, bitterness, anger...and doubt.

And the one thing He has promised me: supernatural weight loss.

I actually was questioning Him on that one last night.  Going, "Ummmmm....??!?!?!?!?!?!"

Probably because I had my doubting Thomas moment, that moment when I kinda look up and go, "well, good luck with that one, Jesus."

But I really and truly began to hear Him yesterday during my quiet time: that my weight loss journey is like an onion layer.  Portions keep getting peeled back.  The more peeling, the more tears that will come through.  Why?  Because I've allowed the weight to be on for a reason.  To hide.  I didn't want to be seen, to be known, to be touched....if at all possible, I would have chosen to be invisible.  Why?  So I'd never have to be hurt again.  So I'd never have to be abused again.  (yeah, I'm sharing my testimony here, and feeling a little faint at the fact)  My whole thought process went something like this: if I'm fat and ugly, no one will see me.  No man will see me.  And therefore I can't be hurt.  I'm no longer desirable.  I'm no longer an object for someone's want or desire.  So the one thing I can control in this crazy world is food, and what I eat, and because I feel that I have no control in any area, I'm CHOOSING to give up control in what I eat.


God, that took a lot for me to type.  I think because some of this I'm still slowly discovering for myself, not just in head knowledge, but heart knowledge too.

So I just chose to let life slip past in some sense.  And I had great moments of winning the small battles, but as soon as I hit a certain point where someone/others began to notice me, I immediately slid back into that same pattern of food intake.

So, publically, I'm going to share my goal, the one thing that I want to learn to overcome in this journey: that it's okay to look and feel beautiful.  It's okay to be noticed...for the right things.  I want to choose not to hide, but to, instead, allow the light of my Jesus to shine through me, in me, around me, and show others the beauty He's placed in me.

Is it going to be easy?  No.
In fact, it will probably be the 2nd hardest thing I've done in my life.
But I believe that it's going to be well worth it.

I have to believe.
Because He's told me it's true.

I'm beautiful.

Now, what will you choose to believe?
Will you choose to believe the lies, that food will fill the void, will satisfy the hunger, the craving, that you have?
Or will you choose to believe that the only One who can satisfy, is the Lord Jesus?  The One who loves you eternally, no matter what you've done, you're doing, or will do?  No matter what you eat, what you look like, what you feel like....His love never goes away, never leaves you.

If you choose to believe...
then begin to walk the path of a holy temple.
A path of healthiness.
A path that leads to building up your body,
so you can run the race He has set before you.
And run it, not tired, exhausted, crabby, grumpy, pissy, bitter, or overweight (hey, I can say it 'cause I'm there right now).
But instead, run it feeling whole, healed, beautiful, loved and FREE from the sin of gluttony, control (witchcraft) and rebellion.

Submit EVERY aspect and area of food/exercise to Him, and watch what He'll do with it.

Will it be easy?

No.

Will it be worth it?

I have to believe that, in the end, it will ALL be worth it. :)