Try, try, try...12-2-12

"You gotta get up and try try try"

This one phrase in the song has been resonating in me since I first heard it.  It seems that every time I want to give up and quit, this song pops on! haha  If nothing else, I love the encouragement of that phrase.

It's been 2 weeks now...(from 11-17-12, Day 1 on MFP)
4 lbs down
-3.12 inches off overall

And I've been fighting this bitter battle.  Constantly going, "okay, just get up, move, keep going, don't quit, don't stop."  I even had to text the bestie to force myself to get out of the car at the parking lot of the gym, to get up and actually go into the gym.  It's a bitter battle, but I'm determined to be the victor in this one.

I'm tired of feeling icky, feeling like "the dreaded fat girl", and having to battle so much of my image issues because of things I've allowed.

Well, here's to the good fight of faith!

Keep moving.
Keep working.
Hard work.
Determination.
Refusal to quit.
Even when I'm tired.
When I'm down.
When I can't see the goal in sight.

I gotta get up and try, try, try.

To the victor go the spoils...the spoils being no more fat, a healthy me, and a me I can't wait to sure the world. :)

Mental victory...FOR THE WIN! :).....11-20-12

Today I pushed myself to get up, get out and move.  I don't regret it.

But I will say, I had some seriously hilarious moments today that were linked to something that happened on Friday.

You see, what had happened was...(in honor of the bestie, had to use that one! haha)

Was heading into Wal-Mart to pick up some supplies for my classes, and this guy is walking towards us.  There's this other lady coming up behind me in the parking lot, and I kinda notice he's checking one of us out.  (My thought process immediately goes to the other lady, though I hadn't seen her yet. Still working on that image thing!)  So, I keep walking, thinking nothing of it, when the lady catches up with me, the man passes by, and 5 seconds later she busts out with, "Ohh girl he was checking you out!!  He turned back around!!"  I about died laughing.  At the Wal-Mart parking lot.  Anywho, I just dismissed it, texted my bestie, and laughed about it some more as I continued my day.

And then it so happened again today.  At the gym.  The one place I wouldn't think to be checked out, 'cause, well, I'm the "fat girl", and all these beautiful skinny gals are surrounding me at the treadmills.  (Now don't yell at me for that one...)

The guy in front and to the right of me keeps turning around and looking at me as I'm doing my cardio stuff.  Finally, he leaves just as I start my intervals.  Well, 20 minutes later, HE'S RIGHT BEHIND ME, hanging on and just looking my way.  When he realizes I've noticed, he looks away and kinda sneaks off somewhere...

I could've been seriously creeped out by this (okay, I admit, I kinda was).  I could've had a "moment" (due to the past), but I didn't.  Instead, I just smiled and laughed inside.  And kept on going with my workout. :)

For me, that's a victory.  I should probably explain why.  One of the reasons...the biggest reason...why I've put on so much weight has been as a protection.  To my old way of thinking, if I am fat and big and ugly, no man would ever look at me, thus no man would ever sexually abuse me ever again.  And the biggest trigger to going back to old, unhealthy habits is when guys, any guy, starts noticing me.  The nightmares come back, the food binges come back, and overall I'm right back where I used to be.  Tonight, I shrugged it off, told myself, "Man, I'm looking good tonight!  Let's do this and keep on going!!  Let's push it!" and without a backward thought (except to laugh and move on)  I kept on going and didn't let it affect me.

That, that right there, is a victory in some serious heart healing. :)  And a great mental victory as well!  Woohoo!!

Looking forward to continuing this journey... :) 

The Story of Grace

For those of you who have known me for more than a year, you know how much I've been praying for a car.  For a replacement Burt.  For something that actually has windows and that locks.  And that I can wash in a car wash, NOT in the rain...

Well, my Abba answered my prayers.  TALK ABOUT A TESTIMONY! :)

This is how it went down:

All this past week, I kept hearing (in my quiet times), to start looking for a car again.  (& again for those who know me, you know the deep history of why it's been near impossible for me to do so.)  So, after much prayer and debate, I went up to my roommates on Thursday night and asked for them to be in agreement in prayer w/ me on this issue.  I knew exactly what I wanted, down to the details of the car, the look, make/model, etc.  This time I went in with my eyes WIDE OPEN rather than in a blind, rushing panic (which was my fault anyway the last time...but His grace came in anyway! :) ).

So, late Thursday night rolls around, and I'm working on my budget & finances now that everything for the next 2 weeks have come in.  And lo and behold, I have $500 EXTRA above and beyond what I needed...just waiting for me to use it! :)  So, I hear Mama Lynn's voice in my head to pray over how HE wants me to use that money...

And immediately I think...this would make a GREAT start to a down payment...and then I start looking up cars that I had wanted around local area dealerships.  When I had talked w/ my roommates, I had originally said I'd be okay w/ a 2001/2002 car...until during my search...when I head Him say to raise my bar higher...to a 2009 or greater.

And that's when that unbelief started to come in.  "Wait...what?!  I know that's not gonna happen...it's too expensive!  How can I ever even afford that?!"  To which, after last week's sermon talking about the spirit of unbelief, I IMMEDIATELY began to battle and cast down those thoughts.

So, on to my search.  I have about 5-7 cars in mind, at 3 different dealerships.  After the search, I head to bed, wake up Friday morning, and head to the morning job.  Come home, to which I had this GREAT idea...you know what...lemme just do a bit of the leg work today (since DM was willing to meet w/ me in the a.m. to look at cars w/ me), see where I stand at the possibility of financing/trade-in, and go from there.  That way, on Saturday morning, it's no biggie and it'll make it easier on both of us so we're not wasting time if it doesn't happen.

So I get dressed, ready for the afternoon job, and head over to the dealership that has 3 of the cars I wanted.  Oh, and did I mention they were all 2009 or higher?!  Walk into the dealership, where I was greeted by a man named Al who I instantly liked on the spot (surprising for me, I know).  Laid EVERYTHING down on the table, was brutally honest, to which he says, "Well, let's at least look and test drive them.  That way you can narrow down your search for when your brother comes, and you'll know what you like and don't like as you search for what you want.  And don't be afraid to shop around out there." (yes, this salesman did say that!)

On we go to look at the cars....2 2009 ones and 1 2010 Civic.  Test drove them, and immediately was drawn to one.  We then went back inside, he took my car keys, and tells me, "I'm going to have the mechanic appraise it and we'll go from there."

So during this whole time I'm praying in the Spirit, believing and asking for favor, and praying and praising some more.  The mantra that morning was: "He makes ALL things in my life for good, and ALL things in my life WILL point to His glory in my life."

An hour later, he comes back and asks me: "You want the good news or the bad news first?"

Of course I want the bad news first.  "No bank is willing to take you...except one."

Good news: He then goes over what the bank is willing to do for me.  1 of them being the dealership would willingly give me $1500 (blue book value) for Burt...and we ALL know that Burt's not worth that much!!!!  But one of the catch's was I needed $1000 down payment.  And the monthly payments were WAY too high for me!  So I pointed to those 2 items and I told him, there's no way I'd be able to do those 2 things.  I'm just not comfortable with that.  But thank you anyways.  This helps me know where I stand.  So he gets up and says, "Let me talk to our finance manager, and let's see what we can do to help you."

About 5 minutes later, the finance manager sits in Al's place, and says, "Okay, we'd be willing to take your down payment and put the extra $500 down into what we'll give you for Burt. (So now they're willing to give me $2000 for Burt) and we'll pay off the rest of what you owe on Burt (which was roughly $900).  As for the monthly payments, what number would make you feel comfortable with getting this vehicle?"  I did the number crunching, trying to figure out what exactly would work budget wise, we talked about gas, insurance, etc.  So I threw out a number, he threw out a number, I did more number crunching (to which I then told him, Give me a moment; I need to pray about this).

And lo and behold...

I walked away with a new to me car.

That was EVERYTHING that I wanted, down to the little itty bitty details I hadn't even told my roommates about regarding what I wanted in Grace.  From the tinted windows to the CD player with NO tape deck!!!! lol

So, that's the story of God's grace, goodness and glory in my life when it comes to my car.  And I'm praising and dancing my way through this.  At His goodness.  His grace.  His amazing mercy and His hearing the cries and desires of my heart.

After 3+ years or so of this battle cry and mantra...I have an AMAZING and beautiful car that runs like a dream, works COMPLETELY, has windows and a/c...and that is such a blessing.

So, for all of you who have been on this prayer journey with me for years, I thank you so very very much for being persistent right alongside me.  For running that race with me.  I know this wouldn't have been possible without Him!

So, thanks. :)

And that's my story on Grace. :)

What Prayer Is & What Prayer Isn't

                 What Prayer Is                                                                 What Prayer Isn't
Entering into a conversation w/ God                                  Viewing God as a grantor of our wishes
Seeking God's direction with choices                                 Asking God for a stamp of approval on decisions
Humbling ourselves before Almighty God                          Demanding our rights



This was on page 17 of my reading today.  I picked up the new book I had ordered, thinking, well, I need something to read while I wait for my clothes to get out of the washer, so why not this one?

And when I got onto page 17, there at the top was this lovely list.  Now, mind you, I'm pretty sure we've all heard these before.  This little comparison table...but one of them caught my eye in particular. "Asking God for a stamp of approval on decisions."

When I read that, my heart just went, eeeeeeeeekkkkkkkk I'VE BEEN FOUND OUT! 

Lately, it hasn't been about seeking.  It's been about me telling the Lord this is what's going to happen, and this is the way it's going to be, and You're gonna bless it.  (See the pride there?!)  Never taking into His account that He wants an input.

And I've been seeing that attitude a lot in myself as things have come up with work, school, decision making...  Always into the plans, the back-up plans, etc.

It's come to the point where I've resorted to some old habits, bad habits, that come right in line w/ what prayer ISN'T.  And my heart needed to hear that this morning.

Especially as I sit and pray over my staff and kiddos today, praying over their day, praying for strength and grace over my staff, praying for a smooth transition for the parents and myself, and praying over my campus. I needed my eyes and my heart to be re-focused on why I was placed there to begin with.  And to not allow others expectations to dictate my actions and attitudes.

So, as I sit here and type out the mile-long to do list (especially since I'm now having to play catch up), I'm having to remind myself and my spirit to not only just breathe, but praying for His breathe to enter in as I begin to seek Him for some answers on just what I want this year to look like.  Writing down the visions, the expectations, the goals...and taking those before Him and asking Him how those look like, and how they can be accomplished.

I have big dreams this year.  Bigger than the ones I've ever had working in this program.  And I believe that they are God-given.

Now I just need to learn to surrender my plans versus HIS plans.  Never easy, but I'm willing to try.

My first ever marriage proposal

Yes.  Yes.  You read that right.  I promise.

It's kind of a long story.  I won't go into too much detail of the story, except the important parts. :)  (I think it helps that I can snort-laugh about it now.)

So, here's how it kinda-sorta happened.

This past weekend, I decided to end the, uh, whatever it was...friendship, relationship, whatever you want to call it with the guy I had been praying about seeing befriending (dear God what do people call this stuff?!?).  With much council and wisdom, and some serious prayer, I knew that he wasn't the Boaz for me.  And I was okay with that (remember that Christine Caine pic floating around FB??). :)  So, after some brief, errr, "conversation", I wished him well and went on my merry way.

Fast forward a few days...to, well, yesterday.  To where the, uh, "conversation" went something like this:

guy: :(

me: ?

guy: i miss you

me: sorry... (don't judge me...I'm not necessarily the sentimental type, k?)


guy: wanna get married? (and yes, he was SERIOUS)


me: ??? (?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!!? whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat running through my head...enter crickets on the scene)


guy: aww ok

me: (after some seriously long moments of excusing myself from said, er, conversation, and talking w/ the mamas in the room on how to shake this guy)  A lot would need to happen for that.

guy: aww you don't love me

me: (where in HELL idea did love come into this?!?!  I never said that!!!! whaaaaaaaaaaaaatt?????)  I've only known you for 2 1/2 months.  Of course I don't love you.  You don't love me either.  You'll be fine.  (sorry if that seemed heartless....but, well, when you don't take no for an answer after several nice attempts, I just stop plain being nice and aim for slightly less brutal w/ lots of bluntness thrown in)


guy: yes I do

me: (name of guy), you need to provide a home for me.  I want a house.  I want a man who has a strong relationship with the Lord.  I want a man who's willing to pursue me and pick me up for dates.

guy: Okay.  I hope you find that.  Sorry to bother you.

END SCENE

Now, do I normally blab about something like this?  No.  But I promise, there's a lesson in this! :)

1. If you think I'm willing to settle, back away from the bus, buddy.  It ain't happening.  Besides, the bestie would slap me silly if I ever did.  Followed in line by the roommate and bestie #2.

2. I'm worth WAY MORE than a text proposal (yeah, it was via text messages amidst prior conversations we had had face to face).  If you don't see that, well, you are SO not the one for me, honey.  Read #1.

3. You've gotta see the humor in this.  In the fact that, bless his heart, yeah, he liked me.  Yeah, he totally went about this the so wrong way.  But I thanked him anyway for his interest and moved on.  When before, I would've flat run him over with Bert due to how fast I sped away from this type of stuff just 6 months ago.  I'd say that's progress!!

4. Through this all, as I talked w/ the bestie, I sat and laughed and giggled about what a story this would make.  Which means that I'm okay.  I've gotten through the emotions of disappointment and frustration, and have moved on to joy and laughter.  To know that, overall, I'm okay once again. :)  And that I do have the power to choose and say "no" (read previous blogs....this is a biggie for me to overcome, especially when it comes to men!)

So, there you have it, peeps.  My first ever marriage proposal.

Boy, do I have a great story to tell the (possible) future husband! haha :)  But he better not propose to me through text message.  I just might clobber him. ;)

Keep your eyes open

Today, well, the past few days, I've felt this need to write.  And write some more.

To write what was on my heart.  To let go of some things.  To just...unburden myself.  And allow all of the emotions to flow.  That's one of the things I was told I was good at...writing down my emotions.  I can't always express them, but when I write, everything just seems to flow from pen to paper.

Today was no different.  As I sat at my desk, getting ready for the holiday festivities, I finally picked up my stationary set and pen and just let everything flow.

Doubts.  Fears.  Anger.  Tears.  And longing.  So much longing.

And as I sat and wrote, this song kept playing in my head:

And over and over, the whisper of His voice as I wrote...to not give up, to keep on going.  To keep my eyes open.  To not let go.  To not lose hope.  Even amidst my frustration and angst.  "'cause if you never leave home never let go you'll never make it to the great unknown...so show me your fire, show me your heart, you know I'll never let you fall apart, if you keep your eyes open, my love"

And I just burst into tears.  This past week just hit me.  The ending of something.  Well, more than one thing. And how so many changes have come up.  And that yeah, right now, my heart feels a bit broken and shattered at the realization that I need to let go of some things.

But I'm also reminded to not give up hope, even when that's all I want to do in my flesh.  To keep holding on.  To keep my eyes open.

But also to keep walking in Him.  In His light.  His voice.  His love.  "So tell me you’re strong, tell me you see
I need to hear it, can you promise me to
Keep your eyes open, my love"

 All of that to say...

If you're at the point where you're so frustrated, and you want to give in....

When all you see is the darkness around you....

When you've lost hope in the promises given, or the words spoken...

Keep your eyes open.

Keep them focused on Him.

Don't look away.

Don't give up.

Crawl if you must.

Dig into the ground and elbow your way through the muck.

But keep your eyes open.

The mountain may seem large, but I promise, it's not.

It may seem unsurmountable, unattainable...

But it's not.

Because I serve a God who makes all things possible.

Paves a way where there is none.

Opens the floodgates of hope when we choose to keep our eyes on Him.

Not on our circumstances.

Not on our status quo.

Not on our relationship(s), or lack of them.

But when we are so focused on Him,

His eyes,

His heart,

His face,

His voice.

When we are so focused on Him,

That's all we say.

So, today, I'm letting that be my anthem, my theme, for this season, as I allow my heart to feel emotions, to break, to cry, to tear, to anger, and to doubt.  I'm remembering that through it all, my eyes will still remain focused on Him.

And that brings me a comfort, a peace, a joy....that I can't even begin to describe.

Because I know that, ultimately, this leads to another chain broken, another thing being set free.  Another petal in my flower to be allowed to bloom.

Praise the Lord, oh my soul.

And all that is within me, praise and bless His holy name.

What I learned from making pancakes

It cracks me up that I always tended to learn the best lessons while salivating concocting chewing cooking up yummy delicious food. :)  This morning was no exception.

I woke up refreshed, with plenty of sleep under my belt (almost a total of 20 hours from Friday night and last night).  Woke up with a song in my head: "Isn't She Lovely", by Stevie Wonder.  And this is the part that was playing nonstopirritatinglyrepeatedly over and over :

Isn't she lovely
Isn't she wonderful
Isn't she precious
Isn't she pretty
Truly the angel's best
Boy, I'm so happy
We have been heaven blessed
I can't believe what God has done
But isn't she lovely made from love


Anywho...I've been singing that all morning.  So now I have the Stevie Wonder playlist playing on my Spotify account...and I digress from the story.


Okay...back at it now...


Not only did I wake up w/ that song in my head, but I woke up happy and content, and in a mood to bake.  Now, when I get in this mood, you might want to watch out.  The kitchen becomes a disaster area work zone, and the house smells like the witch's house in Hansel and Gretel really yummy.  So, went on pinterest and became anal about organization a much better organizer and organized my Favorite Recipes board.  Into various catergories...desserts, main dishes, crock pot, etc.  You get the gist.


Anywho, found this awesome recipe for Chocolate Chip Oatmeal Cookie pancakes...made w/ no sugar. :)  So, the bake cook was on! haha


Got my handy dandy apron, and began to cook.  And all of a sudden (happens like that a lot lately), I could hear Him begin to talk to me...about pancakes...and dough...


Making the pancakes, and looking at the batter and how, well, weird it looked.  All these clumps and lumps and just...well, ugly.  I mean, it tasted good.  But for a moment, I was wondering how in the world will that weird-clumpy-looking batter is supposed to turn out like the picture on Pinterest?!


Which He then reminded me about some things:


1. I'm made of lumps and clumps and things that aren't very "pretty".  We all are.  But it's those very things that make us unique.  Makes our story unique in and of itself.  Those things we have to deal with, that help us understand just what our calling is, how He's placed us in the body.  For example, one of those lumps was my addiction to pornography and romance novels.  Now, I know I am free and called to help others to that same freedom.


2.  The heat makes what looked ugly into something beautiful and delicious.  Without the heat, the pressure, the bubbles, the storm of sizzling butter in the pan, those lumps and clumps wouldn't be turned into something yummy, nutritious and really good to eat.  Without the heat and pressure, without that refining fire, we aren't able to turn into something that's infinitely more precious BECAUSE of the lumps, what was inside that batter.  The batter is what makes the food unique in and of itself.  You changed one ingredient in the batter, and you've created a whole 'nother recipe.  Same with us.  If you changed one part of your story, the outcome would/could/possibly be different.


3.  It's when I'm in the kitchen, baking and cooking for the fun of it, that I'm most happy, content and thriving.  It's when I'm in that place that everything in my head gets quiet, my hands are busy, and my heart is ready to listen.  I always thought it was during worship...and to some degree it is...but this season, I think because my hands have been busy doing things, that He's been taking time out of something I love, and "making" me listen.  I knew baking was a passion of mine, I just don't think I realized just exactly why it was.  :)


And then He put it all together...


How I'm like that batter...and how I see myself...and the way I NEED to see myself and this journey.  There's so much that makes me who I am, so much that I'm STILL trying to figure out, as I flounder at things, excel at others, and generally learn what most people have learned in their teen years...  And most often than not, I feel like that ugly batter, like nothing beautiful could ever come out of it.  And that there are so many lumps and bumps and clumps and hodge-podge messes that for the life of me I can't figure out how He'll make it into the picture He's showing/shown myself and others.  But then He reminds me that, despite what I think, I'll eventually get there.  It just may take a lot more fire than I realized.  A lot more baking/cooking/marinating.  And that I need to be patient.  To not demand so much in so quick a time.  (Seems like patience has been my downfall lately...or lack thereof.)  And that I'll EVENTUALLY get where I need to be, and that it's okay to take it slow.  That He knows exactly what He's doing, and that He's a gentleman while doing it.


And not only that, but it's okay when a few more GOOD bumps come along...like chocolate chips in the batter, the added sweetness of life's amazing moments (such as holding hands for the first time in my life with a man) adds character, moments and memories that are good. :)


Then He took me back to remembering some things regarding DN, that these past 2 1/2 months have been good, despite the heartbreak that went with ending a potential relationship (knowing that he was not the one for me, after much prayer and counsel and wisdom).  And He reminded me of the things learned, the confidence built and the fact that I faced my fear of men, and survived.


And as tears begin to form and leak, the realization that, despite my moments of wanting to bang my head against the wall, He's forming something beautiful and yummy, something fragrant and delicious...something that, in the end, will bloom and turn into that butterfly, that flower, those amazing chocolate chip oatmeal cookie pancakes, that is sweet, beautiful and lovely.  It just takes more time, more marinating and a bit more heat. :)


All in all, I think a lovely lesson to learn this morning as I sit and bask in His presence...and dance to "The Fighter" by Gym Class Heroes. :)