Walk by faith, not by sight.....12/8/15

Let me start off with...it's been a wild ride the past few months since the last blog post (Oct of this year).  Major decisions happened, and life is about to change as we know it.

If you didn't know, I have been trying to look for another job for awhile now.  Last year, Eric and I were talking about it, but felt that it wasn't time yet.  There was good to be done.  At the beginning of this year, we once again took it to the Lord, each in our own way.  We felt the go-ahead to begin the search for a new job.

Hundreds of applications later, and still nothing.  Then, I got a nibble.  The nibble didn't pan out.  And I lost hope for a minute.  I remember coming home in tears so many times, frustrated, stressed, anxious, emotionally drained.  If you didn't know, I work at what's called a BMC campus...behavioral management.  And I love my children.  I enjoy our families.  And admittedly, it's emotionally draining at the end of the day, day after day.  I hear the stories of the families, see the behaviors of the kiddos, attempt to sit and plan out the best for our children and the program I work for...which doesn't leave much to invest in our corner of the world.

After months of prayer separately, on the drive home one night, I started talking to Eric about what the Lord was revealing to me as the next step.  Remember, we hadn't talked about it with each other much, just agreed to take it up in prayer and generally prayed together without getting into specifics as we continued to hear.  Lo and behold, what I was hearing, Eric was as well.  We again agreed to take this up in prayer TOGETHER, as we knew it was a big leap of faith.  We also talked with our family and requested prayers as we listened.

After 10 years in the education field, I put in my two week notice.  I love my kiddos, staff and families, but it's time to invest into the family I was placed in, into my husband and our little corner of the world.  I'm currently waiting on paperwork to be processed for a new job (which I won't explain here).  But suffice it to say that...we're excited.  The world tells me I should fear, be anxious and worried.  I was telling Eric the other day that I feel none of those.  After we made the decision, I woke up the next morning with Out of the Grey's song, Walk by Faith (I think that's the title...Eric had found it from my olden days and posted it on my FB wall).  After so many months of dreading the drive, the emotions...I woke up with joy, peace and an excitement.

Most people would think I'm crazy.  I have a staff that's supportive, if not shocked.  Parents who are e-mailing and calling, wishing me well and speaking life.  And students who are giving hugs and smiles as they begin to realize they only have 2 more weeks with me.  (I'm glad I'm not surrounded by most people. :D)

I was talking to hubby last night.  I didn't realize just what an impact I had made on everyone.  I do my job because I love our children, and the families, even on the crazy days.  It brings tears to my eyes to hear the stories the parents are telling me, and the words of love and encouragement.  It's going to be a rough two weeks as I begin to pack away the office/classroom, but I also know it's with joy that I leave my kiddos, knowing that a light has been shined in each of their lives, a light that I hope one day leads them to Him who loved me first.

Now is a season to walk by faith, to grow in my knowledge of Him and worship Him with everything I have.  It's a short season of rest before I hopefully hit the ground running.  It's also a time of leaning on His strength as I say good-bye to the past 10 years.

If you pray for me, please pray for His strength and grace as I learn to say good-bye to so many people and children.  It will be hard for all of us.

And know that my prayer for you all in all of this is that, no matter what's going on in life, you walk by faith and not by what you see, your circumstances, troubles, issues, concerns.  That you stand on His Word and His promises, because He is a God who provides, Jehovah Jireh.  He has a banner over you, one of love.  Walk in it, praise in it, relish and cherish His love for and over you this season...rejoice that He was born and gave His life to celebrate in freedom and victory!!

In Him,

AF

My greatest gift so far.....10/19/15

Well, it's been awhile.  A pretty long while.  It helps that we have a desktop once again, thanks to some pretty cool friends of ours. (Yay N & R!)

Life...life has been sweet.  It's been 2 years and roughly 2 months since Eric and I have been married.  Yesterday, we were able to renew our vows in front of everyone at church.  Something that Pastor Robin said really resonated with us...our journey has been long, rough and sometimes I've wanted to throw in the towel regarding healing and where God has been taking me.

When I first saw that our church was doing the vow renewals, I asked Eric about it.  I wanted to see if he was interested.  After we discussed it, he said go for it.  So, we did.

About a day after signing up this past week, God reminded me of a word that He had given me regarding my relationship with my then-future husband.  (I hadn't even met Eric yet when this word was given to me.)  My husband would help heal some of the wounds in my heart and in my life.  When I heard Him whisper that to me, I thought back to all of the things Eric and I have been through together.  The night terrors, the insomnia, those moments where I slap his hands away because I couldn't bear to be touched, never knowing if it was a dream or reality that someone was trying to harm me.  (This usually happens when he tries to shake me awake before the terror completely grabs ahold.)  The emotional turmoil that he has had to go through, as I worked on being healed from the inside out when it came to the abuse.

I think this man deserves a cape.  Because he's my hero.  He has loved me through so much.  Through tears, pain.  He's held me as I wake up screaming or sobbing.  He's kissed me awake knowing that, in my terror, I may not recognize him.  But he does it anyways, trying to get me out of the terror before it truly begins.  He's cried with me, walked with me, prayed over me, and stuck by my side.

Someone awhile ago told me that I had offended quite a number of people when I got married to this man.  (Mostly on the way I married him, as we eloped.)  I've lost quite a number of friendships, some due to offense, some naturally drifting away, and some because of the move.  It still saddens me, the lose.  But I can't nor don't regret it.  Eric has been the greatest gift that my Abba Father has given me.  He's used the arms of my husband to bring healing.  The words spoken in the dark, which I'm terrified of, to bring light.  He's used Eric's prayers to bring about a healing that has allowed me to quietly blossom and grow.

As the tears come into my eyes, I realize just how much I love this man.  How much and how glad that I am married to this wonderful gift.  My Abba Father has truly blessed me.  Eric has been well worth the wait.

And as I think back and reflect in my quiet time this morning, I can't help but smile my large smile.  From 2 years ago to now, I remember telling Eric that my heart's cry was to help people like me, to walk alongside young women who needed a shoulder and a mentor, to bring light into a place where few are willing to travel, to speak life into them and pull out what will later be such a marvelous, healing treasure.  And to know that we are slowly beginning to do this as a couple.  Eric, my strong, amazing Eric, has been willing to have our tiny little home be opened up to women searching for more...more Jesus, more knowledge, more life skills, and more friendship. 

It's been a great 2 years and roughly 2 months.  It's been a great season, despite its ups and downs.  It's been...blessed.  And I love seeing how Abba Father is slowly restoring things in different areas of my life.  I know things will never be perfect, nor am I expecting them to.  All I know is that I'm thankful that Eric brings a little bit of heaven to earth as we walk this life together.  I love you, my handsome man.

I do not have to fear men.

I have been so angry today. Something happened that made my tears flow and my hands literally shake as I was told. 

The feeling of betrayal, of my character and the very integrity and ethics were attacked today. 

I wanted so badly to cry out for not just justice, but revenge. I wanted them to pay for this. How could this be? How could this person not see the work, sweat, blood and tears that poured out? 

After trying to deal, to heal, talk and just process this continuing nightmare, I opened up my Blue Letter Bible app and went for Psalm 37 at the suggestion of my mom in law. 

He reminded me: Trust. Truth prevails. There isn't a winner in this situation. There's immense sadness. And so many tears. 

So, I will work on doing this one thing: love. But I will be wise and gentle. I will document and cover. I will take comfort that HE is before me, HE walks beside me, & HE is my rear guard. I do not have to fear man nor what they may do to me. In that I take comfort. 

Blessings and Realizations...3/15/15

It's been almost 6 months since my last blog post. Not having internet will do that. 😁

Tonight, as I can't seem to sleep despite the fact that I fell asleep in the car on the drive home, I decided to be obedient. Instead of laying in bed, playing another round of Gin Rummy on my phone, I got up. And I got into the Word. And I started to clean after that. 

This weekend has probably been one of the most busiest Eric and I have been in a very long time. From canning, to moving things around, to unexpected visits and meeting new people. During all of that, the Lord gave my hubby a prophetic word. And my husband was obedient and proceeded to act on that word. 

He began to sweep off the patio, the sidewalk and underneath the stairs of our apartment complex. All the while hearing the Lord tell him that he is sweeping out the old to begin to usher in the new and next step of our lives. 

Silly me. I didn't really think anything of it except, "That's an awesome word Hun." Oh silly silly me. As I sit here pecking away on my phone screen, God has been showing me that I too have my own things to sweep out. I too have things that I need to begin to shed to usher in a newness that He wants to bring. 

But I keep going back to, Am I ready for it?  New things are scary. CHANGE is scary for me. I fight against it with a passion that exceeds my love for chocolate. 

The answer to my question is...I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't have all of the answers like I wish I did. I'm not so confident of success. And that scares me so much. 

And then He brought me to this Word tonight: Deut 4:39 (HCSB)-

39 Today, recognize and keep in mind that the LORD is God in heaven above and on earth below; there is no other.

He is God. He reigns. There is no other like Him. 

I can take peace in that. I can take heart that there is no other, including my worries. And that once realized, my heart can be in peace and contentment. I choose to listen and obey, the way my husband did as he swept out the junk off the areas we walk on. 

With all of that being said, that's where I'm at spiritually. 

As for the practical, Eric and I are gearing up for what I like to call the crazy season. The season that sees me living at the office with very little sleep. This season will continue until June. And then begins Summer Camp. A blessing with so many...things to think on. 

This season also sees us prepping a lot more. We have one complete food prep box done. The second one is currently being worked on. That'll hold all of our mason jar goodies. Which we still need to work on the spaghetti meat sauce, the one thing we didn't finish yesterday. We're also working on our toiletries box. And I'm trying to get caught up in all of the Make a Mixes and homemade spices/seasonings I've created. I also need to work on more bread and freezer goodness. 

Not to mention the DIY stuff we've been using. 

Gardening has begun for us as well. Eric put my greenhouse up yesterday and today he took me to go buy some new babies. (I sold one of my items and used the proceeds to feed my plant love!). I'm currently working on my herb garden and beginning my salad greens. Greens will be staying indoors since it's a cold weather loving plant. 😒

As for health, I need to make a few appointments. The cyst is back with some...complications. Which we kind of realized may have affected other things. So, calling the Doc tomorrow. 

Eric and I have also been doing daily step challenges. So grateful for the Fitbit. We've seen slow progress in the weight loss, but it's at least progress!!

And with that being said, I think that's the final bit to this entry. It's been an incredibly trying year with many downs, but also many blessings. 

Here's to more of Him by this time next month! 

Alex Flint 💃

My Delight

Wow. It's been four months since I last posted.
Life has been crazy. Our home has slowly begun to get in order. And both hubby and I are doing FPU TOGETHER.  Haha
Our church family has been amazing.  I love them dearly! A far cry from just a few months ago. Eric and I have been abundantly blessed and in awe of what He has done in this area for us.

As a whole,  life has been...quiet.  In a sense. Ha! Eric and I have been learning to lean on Him so so much.  This season has been one of soaking up the revelation of "My delight is in You and You alone." We have had to cling to Him, & each other,  these past few months.  And I wouldn't have it any other way.

A year ago,  I was angry at God. Certain areas and things were falling apart.  And to see just what that year, now, has brought about.

A new boss. And one who has already gone to bat for my campus.

A new staff, including an assistant.  And about an additional 40 children from last year.

New friendships that have spoken so much life into the two of us. But friendships that also challenge and grow us.

A spiritual "awakening" in a sense for both Eric and I.  Being able to draw closer to Him separately,  & then coming together to realize just how He has molded those pieces together.  From weeping,  to laughing,  to crying out before the throne of the One who loves. He truly has done something amazing in both of us.

Financial Peace University.  A budget.  Actually realizing that we are seriously willing to sacrifice what we can in order to become debt free. And standing our ground in this area. This has been a key growth area in us as we learn discipline in our finances.

But above all...

Sitting here pulling all nighter day two...

The joy of the Lord is my strength.  And I delight in Him. I love HIM.

My heart overwhelmingly pours out that love in worship,  rejoicing,  praising,  thanking,  worshipping.

Oh, to see how far He has taken me, & so grateful for the amazing man who took one look@  my past and told me it didn't matter.

My heart delights in His goodness.  But also in His gifts to me.

So, I look up, smile and cheese my way as I dance in joy at all He has done. :)

"And you're going to hear me roar"......7-5-14

Never has a song been so fitting for this season in my life.  This past week, I had the honor and privilege of not only coming up with the songs for our talent showcase, but also the choreography for both my kinder boys and girls.  (I split them up rather than teach all 28 one song.  I enjoy my sanity.)  For the girls, I chose "Roar" by Katy Perry and "#thatPower" by Will.i.am for my boys.

As I was practicing with the girls, and as we were talking about the lyrics, I noticed that my girls were REALLY getting into the song.  They began to REALLY believe that they ARE champions, and that they are amazing.  I could see their confidence boost as they got the dance routine down in 2 hours (no, I'm not joking...it only took 2 hours, and every single line had at least 1 step/move to go along with it, plus memorizing the entire song).  And then, on the day of the performance, when I added a NEW move, and they got that down in 30 minutes.  Yeah, my girls are pretty impressive and amazing.

But what I found awesome was that the more that I worked with them, the more that I listened to that song, I remembered that feeling of, "you're going to hear me roar".  I've GOT THIS.  I CAN DO THIS.  But always remembering to never give up.

Eric and I have been watching Season 13 of The Biggest Loser.  If I'm honest, that's probably one of my favorite seasons.  The season of NO EXCUSES.  And I've had so many.  "I can't work out.  I don't have a gym.  I don't have self-control.  I can't do this.  I'm too tired.  I lack motivation." and on and on and on it went.  As we sat watching, something began, once again, to rise up in me.

Now, now is the time for NO EXCUSES.  I can have excuses all I want.  But the bottom line is, how bad do I want it?  When every voice in my head is screaming to "Give Up", "Give In", and just lay down and wait for that death to come upon me (the death of dreams, etc.)....I remember that I am a fighter.

Oh, how that spirit of complacency gets us.  We allow ourselves to sit back and let life pass us by.  We watch others achieve the dreams we desire, and we get angry, and sometimes jealous, of all they've been able to accomplish because we ourselves can't do it.  We turn bitter and cold sometimes because our dreams have died.

I was thinking about all of this last night.  I'm sitting here looking at the tiger print headband I created for myself to match my  girls' scarves.  And my dreams are dusting themselves off and calling my name.  "Don't give up.  Don't give in."  "I've got the eye of the tiger, and you're going to hear me roar."

And can I just say that I have an amazing husband who is roaring right alongside me?!  He has refused to allow me to give up.  As a matter of fact, every time the commercials come on, he makes both of us get up and start working out, whether it be cardio, weights, squats, resistance bands....  Not only that, but he's pushing for both of us to head outside and workout, or to the gym and workout, or to the pool and workout.  My Eric has the eye of the tiger, and I am so glad that he is roaring alongside me on this journey, calling me to never give up.  He's invested himself in our eating/calories, in what we make, in the foods we invest in and buy, and in making sure that I never allow myself to give up any longer.

I think it's, once again, appropriate for the season I'm in.  It's once again time to read The Wounded Heart (can you hear my jumping for joy moment?!) and go back and dig things up and out.  BUT, there is so much hope and passion.  God has blessed me with an amazing husband who refuses to give up on our God-given dreams of being healthy and whole.  Especially since we have a goal together.  I have a certain goal that I am longing to reach.

With that being said,

One minute at a time....6/1/14

It's been awhile since I've last posted.  My previous one was most definitely a rant that I kept to myself. :)

Anywho....

I can't believe it's been 10 months since Eric and I got married.  We were talking earlier this weekend, and we both agree--it feels like it's been so much longer, but in such a good way.  I love my husband.  The man who cooked me breakfast and added extra turkey bacon 'cause I wanted.  He made the coffee for me, and he let me sleep in knowing just how tired I was.

The same man who's shampooing our bedroom carpet right now as we had a mini-flood happen on our floor.

The same man who gives me hugs when I asks, does GREAT back and feet massages, and who loves me unconditionally through the worst of my more dramatic moments.

All that to say....

It seems lately God has been hammering a singular theme into my life this past month.  "One minute at a time; one moment; one day."  Basically, it's all about the baby steps.  Sometimes I expect so much more out of myself than anyone else.  I put all of this added stress to try to get things perfect "just right".  And I have allowed myself to forget that it's okay to breathe in those little moments.  It's okay that not everything gets done all at once because I said so in one day.  I have had to admit, multiple times, that I am not superwoman.  I've tried to be.  Ask my hubby and staff.

I've tried to get everything perfect, lined up, ducks in a row.  I've tried to present that facade everything is okay, I can handle this attitude.  When, clearly, I can't.  From stress at work (deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, deadlines, staff, deadlines, children, deadlines, deadlines, etc.) to stress at trying to maintain a home to "perfect" standards...

I'm sitting here with maybe 8 hours sleep under my belt this entire week.  And I'm thinking...I can't do this.

My thought process on this isn't real.

Something has to change.

So, I grab my 2nd cup of coffee, and I sit, and I write.  Only to realize....you know what, if it's not immaculately clean...it will be okay.

The chore chart has helped SOOOOO MUCH!!!!  It's allowed my life at home to be a bit more manageable, and less likely for me to pull my hair out every time I see something that needs to be done.

In essence, because we've broken up everything that needs to get done around the house between Eric and I, and between 6 days of the week....maintaining the house has been easier.  Keeping things CLEANER (I can't say it's completely clean) has been easier too.

What's the point of all this, you ask?

No matter what journey you are on, stop beating yourself up.  Stop expecting perfectionism.  Stop expecting others to be perfect.  Stop setting expectations of things so high, that you don't realize that you need to come down to Earth just a wee bit.  (Not saying lower them....just be REALISTIC with them.)  Let that Holy Spirit voice that we tend to push to the background have a bit louder of a say so.  Listen to the way you talk to yourself...if all you can do is put yourself down because of your imperfections, maybe it's time to realize that those same imperfections are what make you unique.

Above anything else, forgive yourself for feeling like you should be doing it all.  Because you can't.  No one can.  Not really.

And it's okay to admit that.  It's okay to admit that you need help, accountability and friendship along the way.  It's okay to fall off the wagon.  Just make sure you get back up and try it again.  And again.  And again.  Don't beat yourself up over falling.  Beat yourself up for not picking yourself back up again.  Or for giving up.

Anywho....that's all for now.  Just some thoughts as the shampoo thingy is running, the coffee is in my hand, and the pressure canner is slowly winding down. :)

-af