4 month progress...2-17 to 3-17-13

4 months people!!  I can't believe it's been 4 MONTHS!!!!  OMGollygeewhiz!!  And what a battle those months have been.  But I wouldn't change it or have it any other way.  These have been hard earned, and I will display every battle scar with pride!

I have lost a total of 17.6 lbs.  And as of 3/10/13, a total of 12.75+ inches.  :)

Here's a few pics of the progress:
                                                                            October 2012

                                                                      January 2013

                                                                      February 2013

                                                                      March 2013

It's proof I'm gettin' some AWESOME curves! lol  There are pics for Nov/Dec 2012, but, uh, you don't wanna see 'em.  I promise. :)

And today, today is the day I see how far/how long I can run.  I'm sticking with my half mile, as I still haven't hit a mile on the treadmill yet.  But I am excited to see if my endurance has changed. :)  This is my personal challenge to myself.  To become a runner.  Not because I like it, but because I want to prove to myself that I have the determination, dedication and desire to finish and pursue this journey to a new, healthier me.

And because I wanna have amazing legs like Desirree H. and Debbie G.  Hell, I'd just like thinner legs! lol  Oh hell.  Just gimme smaller thighs and I'll be happy! :)  I don't care about the thigh gap.  I'd just like not so many dimples! lol

NSVs:

1. Running on the treadmill...and looking good while doing it. I meant form, people, FORM!!! haha

2. Running .17 mi dist above where I was at last month. :)  Our (meaning trainer & I) goal is to get me to run 1 mile straight on the treadmill before I try to take it to the park.  And die.  A miserable, slow death.  And continue to work from there.  I enjoy running.  I'm getting to like running.  It's getting easier to run.  No, those are all lies.  I still don't like running.  And it's not getting easier.  It just gets harder.  Because I keep pushing myself.  So, I still don't like it.  But it's becoming therapeutic.  Running has allowed me to empty my mind of all the distractions and focus on one issue at a time.  As I pound the hell out of my fat.  You should totally see my fat jiggle. ;)

3. Doing the Run/Walk...and trying not to get freaked out and saying, SCREW IT ALL!  May is coming oh so close!!

4. Even on my worst weeks, I get up, dig in, and continue this journey.  Doesn't matter how much I work out, or how little.  What matters right now is that I'm choosing to get up, rather than staying down!!

5. Gaining confidence in who I am.  And slowly liking the way my body is now.  THIS...this is HUGE!!  I'm not where I need to be, or where I want to be, but it's lovely to FINALLY look in the mirror, and begin to say to myself, "I'm looking pretty good!", as I notice my brand new curves. :)

6. Clothing. sizes.  OMGollygeewhizz!!  It's so lovely to be able to see and note differences...and have others notice it as well.  More notice, people, more notice!! haha

7.  Spiritual differences.  I'm more focused on my faith, on Him, on how He's transforming my heart, soul, mind and spirit, than I am focused on a specific "program of weight loss". Which I have none.  Here's my program, calories in, calories out.  Eat healthy, in moderation and MOVE!!

A Note to Myself...3-3-13

Um, holy crud Fatwoman!!  It's becoming a reality.  You. are. losing. weight.

You don't know how.  Especially on week's when you don't work out, your eating has been crappy, and you feel like you put on all the weight you lost...  But it's happening.

So much, that you still step on the scale another 3 4 5 times just to verify that the number you saw was correct.  And you've been doing this for the past almost month.  So much so that you keep dancing for joy in the restroom every time you see your scale, rather than run and hide from it.

You're changing, Fatwoman!!  You no longer see the number on the scale as a disappointment, even when it may go up. You see it as a personal challenge to kick the scale in the ass, and shove it up lost fat's sun-no-shine area.

Matter of fact, Fatwoman, you're kicking ass.  You're own.  And I for one cannot be more proud of the changes that I've seen in you.  From letting more people in to your life, to being more open and honest on this journey.

You're no longer ashamed of who you are, but you are becoming proud of who He's creating you to be.  You can look in your kiddos eyes and see just how much they are proud of you, as you continue on this journey.  And this is where some of your strength comes in...showing them how to pursue a healthy life, so they in turn can live it to its fullest.

Fatwoman, you are slowly having to change your name to something else...like KickAssWoman, or SkinnyMini or....I don't know yet, but I promise I'll come up with something good.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm proud of how much you've accomplished, how far you've gone, and the willingness to continue this journey AND NOT GIVE UP.

You're doing it, woman!  And you're going strong, after 4 months, and continue on the lifestyle changes, EVEN WHEN YOU MESS UP.  What a difference this season is seeing.

And all I can say is,

Welcome back, fighter.
Welcome back, victor.
It's lovely to see you again.
You're slowly being healed from the inside out.
You're looking your abusers in the face in your mind's eye and telling them they no longer have power over you.
You're no longer walking in fear, but are slowly turning that fear into the faith to walk into the unseen realms He has for you, in EVERY area of your life.
You're no longer allowing your body to dictate who you are.  You're allowing Him, and your heart, to dictate who you will be.

I'm proud of you, woman!  I'm so, so, so proud of you.

And finally, I can say, what an honor it is to have you as part of my life.

Love,

Yourself :)

3 Month Progress: 1-17-13 to 2-17-13

3 MONTHS BABY!!!!  Dude & dudettes, I still can't quite believe I've made it to 3 months (okay, technically I'm shy of it by 2 days, but I'm gonna be busy this weekend, so needed to get this outta the way!).  Not only that, but this past month has seen some of my biggest & greatest victories so far.

Oh, lemme list 'em for ya!  I LOVE lists.  They make me happy.  And organized.  And happy!

1. Ran 1/2 a mile in 7 min and some-odd seconds.

2. Ran laps around the school gym...for fun...during recess.  Yes, for fun.  Who the hell am I?!? lol  This fat girl is learning to like to...jog.  I'm not ready for the "r" word yet. :)

3. Hit my TEN POUNDS LOST goal @ 268.8. :)

4. Started Interval training on all cardio machines (except treadmill), and am FINALLY on Level 2 on Arc Trainer (AT) and Cross Trainer (CT).

5.  My weight routine is getting so much better!!

8. Ab Coaster: went from no weights added, to 20 lbs added, to now 25 lbs added.

9. Back Extension (NOT the machine): went from using body weight, to now adding a 10 lb weight. :)

10. Ab X: went from doing 45 crunches/sit-ups/whatever you call 'em to 70...and adding extra just for fun. :)

11.  On the Assisted Dip, went from 20 Assisted Pounds, to 18 Assisted Pounds. :)

12. Went from an XL/XXL to a L/XL, depending on the shirt.  And, on some occasions, a M. :)

13.  Started pants size 24 to now a size 20, comfortably. :)

14. My belt used to be notched at the 11th hole, sometimes the 12th....now at 15-16. :)

15.  Down 5.4375 inches since 11-17-12.  (It would've been more, but I only measured waist, hips, thigh and arms then.  My bad...)

16.  From the previous month, down a total of 3.1875 inches (measuring neck, arm, chest, forearm, wrist, waist, hips, thigh, knee, calf, ankle).

17.  The biggest one of all: I THREW AWAY CHOCOLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Yes, you read me right, my friends.  Me, the chocoholic....I threw away almost all of the chocolate that was given to me.  :)  Or I gave it away to skinny people. :)

As of today, I am now weighing in at 266.6, which is a 12.2 pound weight loss so far.  I WILL TAKE IT!! :)

Now, for the battles:

1. Struggling w/ emotional eating, and losing.

2.  Fighting the desire to quit...daily...but this is also a MAJOR victory.  Because I'm fighting it, rather than giving in!!

3.  Fighting the voices in my mind that bring on fear.

And since I haven't taken recent pictures of me, you all will have to suffer with these:

January 17, 2013.  My size 22 wk pants on me

February 15, 2013.  My size 22 wk pants on me

And my waist is slowly turning into an hour-glass figure. :)

Jan 2013

Feb 2013

And lastly, the ULTIMATE in knowing you are on the right track to lookin' hot on the southside: when all the cholos go, "DAMN!!  You can lift that much?!"

Yeah, this fat girl can lift that much.  Get over it.  I'm eventually gonna lift more than you one day.  Now pick up your baggy a** pants! :)

See you all in one month! :)

P.S.  If anyone wants to do a 5K race w/ me in April, lemme know, and I'll send you over the info!!  $15/person until March 28th!!! :)

NSVs for the week :)

1. Packed all my lunches and snacks for the week, allowing me to NEVER go over calories.  And no, I did not eat back the calories I exercised.  1540.  That's it.  (It's all about the self-discipline.)

2. I made a new meal, and liked it.  Couscous w/ ground turkey, topped w/ lettuce and tomatoes for a couscous type salad.

3. I ate a real orange, vs just drinking orange juice.  And I liked it. Yay fruit! :)

4. I've been getting excited about packing lunches and snacks, and finding new meals/recipes to create that are healthy and yummy, as well as low calorie. :)

5. I jogged half a mile straight in 7:12. :)

6. I went clothes shopping in my closet, and discovered I can now wear 2 pairs of jeans I wasn't able to before!  Putting my wearable jeans to a total of 4 now!!!! :)

7. Been renewing my mind any time that voice in my head says I can't do something.  Then, I just go harder at it.

8. It's now time to move the assisted dips weight-assistance thingymabob to 18.  I started off needing it at 20.  (It's good that it's going down.) :)

9. I can now do 20 assisted dips, and not be too shaky until the last 5-10.

10. I FINALLY increased my overhead press to 40 lbs.  It's. taken. forever. :)

11. My endurance is getting so much better as I continue to push myself.

Freedom is never free....1-25-13

You always hear that phrase being tossed around.  At least, I have.

I don't think I really understood it until recently, especially this evening.


I took a step back and rested today.  I was hit hard, and literally sat in my car this morning and just sobbed for 5 minutes with such a heavy weight of frustration.  But even as I sat there, sobbing, I began proclaiming joy and peace over my emotions, and I began to battle against the anger and frustration.

That was the first time I've taken up my sword and TRULY battled.  Not just said what I thought needed to be said (fake it til you make it, all while hiding and stuffing my emotions inside until I literally made myself sick).  But instead, I let myself cry, feel the emotions, and then TOOK CONTROL of the emotions by examining them with the Word of God.

And as I battled, I realized something.  That light bulb moment.

The freedom that I desire, that I crave, that I want, that I have...
It really wasn't free.

I've had to battle for it.  Fight for it.  Dig my way out of the muck, ground, dirt and crap.
Every aspect of freedom that I've gained...all came because I battled my way through things.

I fought for every step of freedom.  I refused to give up ground, and instead, took BACK ground.

And it wasn't free.

It cost me.

It cost me time.

It cost me tears.

It cost me reopening wounds and digging out all of the infection.

IT WAS NOT FREE.

And it still costs me.  It costs discipline, determination and the desire to be free in the first place.

So, I have a question for you:

What do you want to be free from?  And what will it cost you?

Are you willing to fight for your freedom?

I am.  It'll hurt.  It'll cost more tears, more time, and more wounds being dug out.  But it's worth it.

It all comes down to...

Do you think you're worth being free?

I hope you know just how valuable you are.  And that you deserve to be free.  You don't have to accept the bondage any longer.

When you begin to realize that, throw down the gauntlet and let the battle for your freedom begin!  It's worth it!!!

2 month progress: 12-17 to 1-17

If someone would have told me when I first started this, that I'd actually still be sticking w/ it 2 months later, I would've smiled politely and in my head thought, "you don't know me very well".  Usually a few weeks into something this massive, I have the tendency to throw my hands in the air and give up.  Which almost happened earlier this month.

Recent picture of me as of 1/13/13:

What I looked like before I started, October 2012:

Needless to say, I don't miss how heavy I was.  I don't miss feeling like crap.  I can finally see that I have a waist, and I don't mind wearing button-down shirts (I used to not wear them because I was too self-conscious about the way I looked in them, especially as I gained weight back).  I can even see my arms/wrists are a tad smaller (which measurements have proved!).

This month was a rough month for me.  It saw some great highs, and some serious lows.  Went out of town, and didn't gain any weight...as a matter of fact, proved to myself that I didn't need the gym to find a good workout, also watched what I ate much more carefully.  Then it saw the holiday seasons, which are always rough for me.  BUT I only gained a pound during that time. (that in itself is a huge praise!)

And then January hit, and the depression started coming back up.  And it didn't help that my TOM was late. So, here I was, a miserable sobbing mess, isolating myself, hiding out in my room, and just saying to myself, I give up.  The scale hasn't moved, I've gained weight back, measurements are out of whack.  SCREW IT ALL.

BUT, I didn't give up.  I finally went to my roommate and broke down, and she prayed over me and my body.  I also prayed over my hormones and emotions, and have been slowly re-reading the Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer (because that's where the biggest battle is for me in all of this).  I've chosen to not give up.  Especially as the day that I finally went back to the gym after a few days hiatus, and I met a woman who lost 150 pounds, w/ no products, diet plans, etc.  Just watching what she ate and exercising.  Which is how I want to do it.

I've come to the realization that my nature to be addicted to certain "things" does not make in conducive to allowing me to take products, supplements, etc. to help along this journey.  I'd just abuse them, and my body.  So, I'm choosing to do this in what most people call the hard way, but the way that I know will give HIM all the glory, and not products, diets, etc. (not that some of those are bad or wrong, but they're not right for me)

This round, I won the mental battle by getting back up again.  It took me awhile, but I did it.  I got back up, got back on that damn cross trainer, and beat my time. :)  AND it just so happened that on that exact same day, my TOM started as my body began to realign itself to where it needs to be.

All that to say, the progress is slow.  The scale can be discouraging, especially as I saw the numbers jump up, but then I see my measurements go down.  I don't understand it, but hey.  I'm learning to listen to my body, figure out what's best and right for me, as well as listen to the Holy Spirit tell me which direction I should go in this.

So, month 3 starts w/ less calories to eat, more determination, and a willingness to listen to where I'm supposed to be and go.  I've been asking Him to give me a picture of what He wants me to look like after this, and what I'd like to look like, and mesh the two visions together. Probably because the vision of myself is skewed.  I've decided that I'll be doing BOTM as my devotions for this month, to help realign and refocus where I need to be and where I want to go.

This next month (month 3) will also see a new session w/ my trainer. :)  And some new victories that I can't wait to share at my 3 month progress report! :)

Non-Scale Victories (NSVs)--1/6/13

1. a pair of pants that were starting to fit a bit snug fit just right now. :)

2. my hips no longer touch the cross trainer outer grips

3. I've discovered that I have some pretty awesome bicep action going on...noticed it during the arm curls yesterday, and was kinda impressed! lol

4. My desire/craving for sugar is lessening as it slowly works its way outside my system once again.

5. I'm more intentional about what I eat, yet still allow myself freedom to eat stuff like wings, chocolate, cookies, etc. on occasion.  I'm learning to not just control what goes in my mouth, but to have a HEALTHY balance and have fun with it.

6. I can see my hour glass figure slowly being defined once again.  And I'm starting to be okay w/ the fact that I have a huge badonkadonk, always will, and huge boobs, which has seen a slight marginal decrease (which I'm fine w/...I'd be sad if I lost the girls...)

7. I'm slowly liking the way I look w/ clothes on, and learning that I don't need to hide who I am underneath.

8. I'm starting to slowly examine myself in the mirror, nekkid.  And learning to be happy with who I am, fat and all.  Why?  Because though I want to lose the weight, I know it's a process and a body.  And if I'm not happy w/ myself now, I'm never going to learn to be happy with myself later, which can easily lead to another type of addiction.  So...basically, learning to take one step at a time.