Living life one day at a time...and willing to be transparent about it. Struggles, victories, tears, happy dances and all! :) Why? In hopes that this encourages you to keep living life too. :)
I've had both my counselors suggest that maybe I blog. I seem to better articulate through written words than verbal, especially with emotions.
As I sit in the car, in the Whataburger drive thru line, at 1215am, I'm kinda realizing that maybe they're right. Maybe it's time I start unlocking the 🫙 and just...let it flow.
I don't really care if this ever gets read, spread or shared. I just...I need to let everything deep bottled out in a non self destructive manner. It'll come with typos, grammatical errors and verbal diarrhea. And trigger warnings. And a huge hope that maybe what I let out can help someone else seek the words they need to express.
I guess I'll take their suggestion and finally let it flow.
Have you ever had one of those moments where all you wanted to do was just scream? Where life is going on all around you, and you have decided you have had enough for the day? That was me today.
From the time I woke up, my grumpy pants were on. Stressed, annoyed, stressed, not being a very kind wife, not remembering to watch my tongue, just...one of THOSE days. Even as words were flying out of my mouth, I saw myself looking from the outside in. They weren't very kind or loving. They weren't edifying or encouraging.
I went about my day. I apologized to my handsome man. I went to 3-4 different jobs. At the end of my day, I went home. And immediately stepped right back out. I felt the gentle nudge. I needed to fix my heart and my attitude.
As I drove towards our little garden, I hear my heart and mind just waiting for that moment when I can be outside and listen to the sunshine and wind. And be still. I finished up in the garden and I heard that whisper again. "Go take a walk. "
As I'm walking the short trail, I feel the pressure building up. One fall, then two. The tears just leaking down my face. My heart pouring out all of it...the stress, fear, doubt, worry, pain. I stop and sing my heart out, tears falling even more steady. "Jesus, Jesus". That's about all I can whisper out. I sing the lyrics to my favorite Misty Edwards song. And then, I listen.
"Beloved, it's time." I know exactly what that means. And I'm afraid. It's time to let go of the last 10 years. It's time to let Him do something new. It's been exactly 40 days that He and I have been working on a few heart issues. It's been 40 days of searching, seeking, questioning, asking. And in those 40 days, today I realized I was trying to hang on so tight to the past. I have been so fearful of what this new future looked like, that I didn't see how broken I had become holding on to something that I was supposed to let go. It wasn't what He wanted for me.
Sometimes in our lives, we need to go take a walk. We need time away from everything and everyone that surrounds us so we can clearly hear what HE has to say. In those times I find He speaks to our hearts, broken or whole, because He wants to heal. Have you gone for a walk yet? Have you allowed yourself time to hear His voice away from the chaos in order to heal/hear/love?
On my walk, He showed me a picture of this cut tree.
It doesn't look like a significant thing, right? But look at the life that's growing around it! Though it was pruned, life and growth happened. That's what happened today on my walk. He reminded me that the pruning seasons are good and to my benefit. And sometimes, we need to take a walk to be able to hear Him clearly.
This next picture...see all the thorns? This little guy was in my way. If I wasn't careful, I'd be scratched and possibly stuck with a few thorns on me. Strange thing, His voice. When I came to that little tree, I was reminded that on our path, there's always going to be obstacles, things, issues, whatever you want to call them. But the great thing is, when we take a walk with Him, when we commune with Him, He's pretty good about giving us a heads up. "Hey love, ya might not want to go this way. It doesn't lead to My best for you."
I'm glad that I'm once again being reminded of His best for me. I don't know about you, but when life happens, I tend to lose sight of that. I tend to see the obstacles, the stress, the crazy. Instead, I need to see Him. I need to hear His voice and feel the wind and sunshine.
Life has been...different. It's been...weird, to say the least. I mean, after 10 years of going to the same job, doing the same thing, with increasing stress, and all of a sudden, it's...quiet. A different stress. A different life.
By all means, please don't hear complaint. I'm not complaining. It's different.
I've had time to sit, to think, to pray, to seek. And to really sit before Him and examine my heart, my goals, my vision, my prayers.
You see, these past few months before we made the decision to put in my notice, I was so stressed, so exhausted, and so hopeless. I remember crying in my husband's arms and telling him that I couldn't do this anymore. I was ready to give up, give in, and just...let depression roll over me.
There, I said it. Depression. The dirty word that we don't always like to talk about.
I felt like I had to put on a show, a good face, a happy, joyful face. Never mind the fact that I was in the beginning of a depression melt down. I haven't seen one of those in about...6, 7 years. The last one was...terrifying.
I remember the first time it happened. I almost committed suicide. I was ready to give up, give in. Instead, He brought me to Jesus. It's how I learned about the Lord and His amazing, saving grace. If it wasn't for that, I would have died of an overdose.
Fast forward a few years after that, and I was enmeshed in my sin and addiction. Addicted to pornography, addicted to seeking pleasure from anything besides the One who had given me life in the first place. He again took me out of the darkness, and brought me into the light. He surrounded me with friendships, with people who spoke into my life and refused to give up on me. He surrounded me with people who held my hand along the way, and believed for deliverance. This valley is what brought me to San Antonio in the first place, into a place, a people, that changed my life forever.
Fast forward a few years after that, when the darkness turned to something different. It wasn't depression, but instead, a deep darkness that took me on a journey of healing. The darkness name: sexual abuse. I finally sought counseling for the deep darkness I kept hidden within me, never telling anyone, never speaking of it. The anger, the rage, the pain, the tears, the hurt.....the brokenness. I was...broken. I had to learn to reconcile how 2 men in my life could do this thing. To be honest, I still have a lot of trouble with this. Every day is a day I have to get up and forgive. Some days are better than others. Then there are days, nights, where I toss and turn and the nightmares come. The doctor said I had PTSD, my brain not being able to fully handle everything. So, some nights, some days are better than others. My husband doesn't have to hide things anymore, fearing what I'd do in the throws of a nightmare. (This a few years later, after the counseling.)
After counseling, I was...free. God opened so many doors, so many friendships. He allowed an amazing ministry to come about, just by me sharing my testimony of His goodness through my life.
Now, today, I'm reminded of these past journeys into the darkness. The times when the enemy has tried his hardest to grab hold, to bring about depression.
And I'm reminded of one word: FIGHT!
With tears streaming down my face, I am once again reminded to FIGHT! He brought me on a journey of remembrance this morning. He reminded me of all of those times the enemy has tried to get ahold, and instead, He's brought me through to a beautiful, amazing valley. As I kneeled on the floor at church, tears streaming down my face during worship last night, I heard Him remind me that in the darkness, the Light is beautiful. To not give up hope, to not give up the fight.
Hold on, Beloved. Hold on. FIGHT! Don't allow depression, despair and hopelessness to enter in. Instead, make a way for Me! Instead, worship Me! Instead, honor Me! Instead, love Me! AND I WILL FIGHT FOR YOU! I WILL OPEN DOORS FOR YOU! I WILL BRING AND RESTORE TO YOU THE JOY OF YOUR SALVATION!
With tears pouring, I say, Yes, Jesus! Yes!! I will not give up, I will not despair, I will not lose hope. Instead, I will make a way for You to come, through worship, prayer, praise, meditation and seeking You. I will wait for Your answers to the prayers I've prayed. I will seek, I will search, and I know eventually I will find.
Above all...I will love. I will love.
My prayer for those reading this: whatever you're believing for, whatever you're waiting on Him for, don't give up. Don't lose hope. FIGHT! Believe! Seek! And know that He is a good, good God and who will NEVER leave you in the darkness. There is a way out, and that way out is through our praise, our worship, our adoration of Him who loved us first.
Let me start off with...it's been a wild ride the past few months since the last blog post (Oct of this year). Major decisions happened, and life is about to change as we know it.
If you didn't know, I have been trying to look for another job for awhile now. Last year, Eric and I were talking about it, but felt that it wasn't time yet. There was good to be done. At the beginning of this year, we once again took it to the Lord, each in our own way. We felt the go-ahead to begin the search for a new job.
Hundreds of applications later, and still nothing. Then, I got a nibble. The nibble didn't pan out. And I lost hope for a minute. I remember coming home in tears so many times, frustrated, stressed, anxious, emotionally drained. If you didn't know, I work at what's called a BMC campus...behavioral management. And I love my children. I enjoy our families. And admittedly, it's emotionally draining at the end of the day, day after day. I hear the stories of the families, see the behaviors of the kiddos, attempt to sit and plan out the best for our children and the program I work for...which doesn't leave much to invest in our corner of the world.
After months of prayer separately, on the drive home one night, I started talking to Eric about what the Lord was revealing to me as the next step. Remember, we hadn't talked about it with each other much, just agreed to take it up in prayer and generally prayed together without getting into specifics as we continued to hear. Lo and behold, what I was hearing, Eric was as well. We again agreed to take this up in prayer TOGETHER, as we knew it was a big leap of faith. We also talked with our family and requested prayers as we listened.
After 10 years in the education field, I put in my two week notice. I love my kiddos, staff and families, but it's time to invest into the family I was placed in, into my husband and our little corner of the world. I'm currently waiting on paperwork to be processed for a new job (which I won't explain here). But suffice it to say that...we're excited. The world tells me I should fear, be anxious and worried. I was telling Eric the other day that I feel none of those. After we made the decision, I woke up the next morning with Out of the Grey's song, Walk by Faith (I think that's the title...Eric had found it from my olden days and posted it on my FB wall). After so many months of dreading the drive, the emotions...I woke up with joy, peace and an excitement.
Most people would think I'm crazy. I have a staff that's supportive, if not shocked. Parents who are e-mailing and calling, wishing me well and speaking life. And students who are giving hugs and smiles as they begin to realize they only have 2 more weeks with me. (I'm glad I'm not surrounded by most people. :D)
I was talking to hubby last night. I didn't realize just what an impact I had made on everyone. I do my job because I love our children, and the families, even on the crazy days. It brings tears to my eyes to hear the stories the parents are telling me, and the words of love and encouragement. It's going to be a rough two weeks as I begin to pack away the office/classroom, but I also know it's with joy that I leave my kiddos, knowing that a light has been shined in each of their lives, a light that I hope one day leads them to Him who loved me first.
Now is a season to walk by faith, to grow in my knowledge of Him and worship Him with everything I have. It's a short season of rest before I hopefully hit the ground running. It's also a time of leaning on His strength as I say good-bye to the past 10 years.
If you pray for me, please pray for His strength and grace as I learn to say good-bye to so many people and children. It will be hard for all of us.
And know that my prayer for you all in all of this is that, no matter what's going on in life, you walk by faith and not by what you see, your circumstances, troubles, issues, concerns. That you stand on His Word and His promises, because He is a God who provides, Jehovah Jireh. He has a banner over you, one of love. Walk in it, praise in it, relish and cherish His love for and over you this season...rejoice that He was born and gave His life to celebrate in freedom and victory!!
Well, it's been awhile. A pretty long while. It helps that we have a desktop once again, thanks to some pretty cool friends of ours. (Yay N & R!)
Life...life has been sweet. It's been 2 years and roughly 2 months since Eric and I have been married. Yesterday, we were able to renew our vows in front of everyone at church. Something that Pastor Robin said really resonated with us...our journey has been long, rough and sometimes I've wanted to throw in the towel regarding healing and where God has been taking me.
When I first saw that our church was doing the vow renewals, I asked Eric about it. I wanted to see if he was interested. After we discussed it, he said go for it. So, we did.
About a day after signing up this past week, God reminded me of a word that He had given me regarding my relationship with my then-future husband. (I hadn't even met Eric yet when this word was given to me.) My husband would help heal some of the wounds in my heart and in my life. When I heard Him whisper that to me, I thought back to all of the things Eric and I have been through together. The night terrors, the insomnia, those moments where I slap his hands away because I couldn't bear to be touched, never knowing if it was a dream or reality that someone was trying to harm me. (This usually happens when he tries to shake me awake before the terror completely grabs ahold.) The emotional turmoil that he has had to go through, as I worked on being healed from the inside out when it came to the abuse.
I think this man deserves a cape. Because he's my hero. He has loved me through so much. Through tears, pain. He's held me as I wake up screaming or sobbing. He's kissed me awake knowing that, in my terror, I may not recognize him. But he does it anyways, trying to get me out of the terror before it truly begins. He's cried with me, walked with me, prayed over me, and stuck by my side.
Someone awhile ago told me that I had offended quite a number of people when I got married to this man. (Mostly on the way I married him, as we eloped.) I've lost quite a number of friendships, some due to offense, some naturally drifting away, and some because of the move. It still saddens me, the lose. But I can't nor don't regret it. Eric has been the greatest gift that my Abba Father has given me. He's used the arms of my husband to bring healing. The words spoken in the dark, which I'm terrified of, to bring light. He's used Eric's prayers to bring about a healing that has allowed me to quietly blossom and grow.
As the tears come into my eyes, I realize just how much I love this man. How much and how glad that I am married to this wonderful gift. My Abba Father has truly blessed me. Eric has been well worth the wait.
And as I think back and reflect in my quiet time this morning, I can't help but smile my large smile. From 2 years ago to now, I remember telling Eric that my heart's cry was to help people like me, to walk alongside young women who needed a shoulder and a mentor, to bring light into a place where few are willing to travel, to speak life into them and pull out what will later be such a marvelous, healing treasure. And to know that we are slowly beginning to do this as a couple. Eric, my strong, amazing Eric, has been willing to have our tiny little home be opened up to women searching for more...more Jesus, more knowledge, more life skills, and more friendship.
It's been a great 2 years and roughly 2 months. It's been a great season, despite its ups and downs. It's been...blessed. And I love seeing how Abba Father is slowly restoring things in different areas of my life. I know things will never be perfect, nor am I expecting them to. All I know is that I'm thankful that Eric brings a little bit of heaven to earth as we walk this life together. I love you, my handsome man.
I have been so angry today. Something happened that made my tears flow and my hands literally shake as I was told.
The feeling of betrayal, of my character and the very integrity and ethics were attacked today.
I wanted so badly to cry out for not just justice, but revenge. I wanted them to pay for this. How could this be? How could this person not see the work, sweat, blood and tears that poured out?
After trying to deal, to heal, talk and just process this continuing nightmare, I opened up my Blue Letter Bible app and went for Psalm 37 at the suggestion of my mom in law.
He reminded me: Trust. Truth prevails. There isn't a winner in this situation. There's immense sadness. And so many tears.
So, I will work on doing this one thing: love. But I will be wise and gentle. I will document and cover. I will take comfort that HE is before me, HE walks beside me, & HE is my rear guard. I do not have to fear man nor what they may do to me. In that I take comfort.
It's been almost 6 months since my last blog post. Not having internet will do that. 😁
Tonight, as I can't seem to sleep despite the fact that I fell asleep in the car on the drive home, I decided to be obedient. Instead of laying in bed, playing another round of Gin Rummy on my phone, I got up. And I got into the Word. And I started to clean after that.
This weekend has probably been one of the most busiest Eric and I have been in a very long time. From canning, to moving things around, to unexpected visits and meeting new people. During all of that, the Lord gave my hubby a prophetic word. And my husband was obedient and proceeded to act on that word.
He began to sweep off the patio, the sidewalk and underneath the stairs of our apartment complex. All the while hearing the Lord tell him that he is sweeping out the old to begin to usher in the new and next step of our lives.
Silly me. I didn't really think anything of it except, "That's an awesome word Hun." Oh silly silly me. As I sit here pecking away on my phone screen, God has been showing me that I too have my own things to sweep out. I too have things that I need to begin to shed to usher in a newness that He wants to bring.
But I keep going back to, Am I ready for it? New things are scary. CHANGE is scary for me. I fight against it with a passion that exceeds my love for chocolate.
The answer to my question is...I don't know. I don't know if I'm ready. I don't have all of the answers like I wish I did. I'm not so confident of success. And that scares me so much.
And then He brought me to this Word tonight: Deut 4:39 (HCSB)-
39Today, recognize and keep in mind that the LORD is God in heaven above and on earth below; there is no other.
He is God. He reigns. There is no other like Him.
I can take peace in that. I can take heart that there is no other, including my worries. And that once realized, my heart can be in peace and contentment. I choose to listen and obey, the way my husband did as he swept out the junk off the areas we walk on.
With all of that being said, that's where I'm at spiritually.
As for the practical, Eric and I are gearing up for what I like to call the crazy season. The season that sees me living at the office with very little sleep. This season will continue until June. And then begins Summer Camp. A blessing with so many...things to think on.
This season also sees us prepping a lot more. We have one complete food prep box done. The second one is currently being worked on. That'll hold all of our mason jar goodies. Which we still need to work on the spaghetti meat sauce, the one thing we didn't finish yesterday. We're also working on our toiletries box. And I'm trying to get caught up in all of the Make a Mixes and homemade spices/seasonings I've created. I also need to work on more bread and freezer goodness.
Not to mention the DIY stuff we've been using.
Gardening has begun for us as well. Eric put my greenhouse up yesterday and today he took me to go buy some new babies. (I sold one of my items and used the proceeds to feed my plant love!). I'm currently working on my herb garden and beginning my salad greens. Greens will be staying indoors since it's a cold weather loving plant. 😒
As for health, I need to make a few appointments. The cyst is back with some...complications. Which we kind of realized may have affected other things. So, calling the Doc tomorrow.
Eric and I have also been doing daily step challenges. So grateful for the Fitbit. We've seen slow progress in the weight loss, but it's at least progress!!
And with that being said, I think that's the final bit to this entry. It's been an incredibly trying year with many downs, but also many blessings.
