said on the dvd watched the other night, "yay God yay!!"
now back to my scheduled vacation. <;)>
Saturday, July 23, 2011
1/2
Of the Lord.
All that to say...
I'm gaining more wisdom out of this vacation than I realized. As the chick Erica
All that to say...
I'm gaining more wisdom out of this vacation than I realized. As the chick Erica
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Sunday, July 10, 2011
Sometimes I wish...
You know, sometimes, just sometimes, I wish you would realize what you're saying. And how it's coming it. Sometimes, I wish you'd understand that you could have said no, too, instead of just agreeing for agreeing sake. Sometimes, I wish you'd not take your bad mood out on others, and that you'd stop making comments that seem to me passive aggressive.
Just because we're different, and we do things differently, doesn't mean that I'm wrong, or that you're wrong. It just means we're different, and sometimes I really wish you'd be okay with that. Sometimes, I wish you would stop acting as if my differences are beneath you, just because I do things differently, make decisions differently, follow my heart differently.
If you're upset with me, or angry with me, I wish you would just come out and say it. I hate feeling like, after your bad mood, you have decided to see me and vomit on me. This is why I tend to stay away, far far far far far far away, from you sometimes. I'd rather not be made to feel like I've done something wrong, like a child. Because that's the way you treat me. I'm not like the others you severely dislike. Instead, I'm me. Accept me for me. Why does it seem like you only accept the good parts of me when needed, or when it suits you, but then when I show weakness, or struggle, or differences, you turn away. Especially when I do things differently than you.
I don't want to be part of this anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. Everything in me wants to push you away, and to just let you be. I'm trying really hard, at moments, to not put up blocks and walls around my heart. But you don't always make it easy.
All that to say, sometimes, just sometimes, I wish things could be different between us. I wish you could understand that I don't want to be you, I want to be me. I wish you could understand that neither of us are right or wrong, but instead, we need each other, and that the more and harder you push, the more I want to give up on you, turn away, and let you be. I wish you could understand that my priorities and visions are different than yours, and be okay with that, be accepting of that. Instead, sometimes you treat those things as if they're beneath you, or they don't matter, and that translates to I don't matter. I wish you could see how much that hurts. How much my heart grieves to hear that. And how much I want to wrap my heart back into it's little corner. And to runaway from you.
I wish you could see all that.
But in your brokenness, you can't. In your hurt, your tiredness, your barrenness, you can't see past the pain, the hurt, the heartache.
And my heart grieves for you. My spirit grieves for you. And my prayer is, is that you begin to rise up, heal, take your place in this world, and see for yourself what a magnificent creation He has made each one of us, despite faults, dents, viewpoints, opinions and differences.
Jesus loves you more than I, and for that, I praise Him. Because that means I'm learning to love you the way He does.
Just because we're different, and we do things differently, doesn't mean that I'm wrong, or that you're wrong. It just means we're different, and sometimes I really wish you'd be okay with that. Sometimes, I wish you would stop acting as if my differences are beneath you, just because I do things differently, make decisions differently, follow my heart differently.
If you're upset with me, or angry with me, I wish you would just come out and say it. I hate feeling like, after your bad mood, you have decided to see me and vomit on me. This is why I tend to stay away, far far far far far far away, from you sometimes. I'd rather not be made to feel like I've done something wrong, like a child. Because that's the way you treat me. I'm not like the others you severely dislike. Instead, I'm me. Accept me for me. Why does it seem like you only accept the good parts of me when needed, or when it suits you, but then when I show weakness, or struggle, or differences, you turn away. Especially when I do things differently than you.
I don't want to be part of this anymore. I don't want to live like this anymore. Everything in me wants to push you away, and to just let you be. I'm trying really hard, at moments, to not put up blocks and walls around my heart. But you don't always make it easy.
All that to say, sometimes, just sometimes, I wish things could be different between us. I wish you could understand that I don't want to be you, I want to be me. I wish you could understand that neither of us are right or wrong, but instead, we need each other, and that the more and harder you push, the more I want to give up on you, turn away, and let you be. I wish you could understand that my priorities and visions are different than yours, and be okay with that, be accepting of that. Instead, sometimes you treat those things as if they're beneath you, or they don't matter, and that translates to I don't matter. I wish you could see how much that hurts. How much my heart grieves to hear that. And how much I want to wrap my heart back into it's little corner. And to runaway from you.
I wish you could see all that.
But in your brokenness, you can't. In your hurt, your tiredness, your barrenness, you can't see past the pain, the hurt, the heartache.
And my heart grieves for you. My spirit grieves for you. And my prayer is, is that you begin to rise up, heal, take your place in this world, and see for yourself what a magnificent creation He has made each one of us, despite faults, dents, viewpoints, opinions and differences.
Jesus loves you more than I, and for that, I praise Him. Because that means I'm learning to love you the way He does.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Blegh
I know...weird, coming from me, right?
But I have to admit...the past couple of days have been rough. Why? I'm not too sure. Sometimes intense battle. Sometimes being in my head too much. Sometimes worry and anxiety.
Today was one of those days...still is, to be honest. And trying very hard to battle, despite my feelings. And admittedly, I'd love to just run away, hide away, not be anywhere near anyone for awhile, but pretty sure God won't let me do that. *sigh*
Who knows? I guess all I really wanted to do is just word vomit here for a bit. Let everything out. Frustration, sadness, anger, doldrums...
Methinks that it will be time very soon to spend one-on-one away from people and technology, from demands, from the world. At times I feel horrendously guilty doing this, but I know that if I don't...well, I'll allow myself to become overused, which doesn't help anyone at all.
So all that to say...I'm looking forward to house-sitting again. And being away for awhile. Mayhaps even forget to turn on my cell phone for a day...or 3. And to just allow myself to sit, read, study, ponder, meditate and listen.
When all else fails, and I draw myself away to the mountain, this, like nothing else, works. Oh Lord Jesus, may Sunday night come soon enough to be drawn away with You.
But I have to admit...the past couple of days have been rough. Why? I'm not too sure. Sometimes intense battle. Sometimes being in my head too much. Sometimes worry and anxiety.
Today was one of those days...still is, to be honest. And trying very hard to battle, despite my feelings. And admittedly, I'd love to just run away, hide away, not be anywhere near anyone for awhile, but pretty sure God won't let me do that. *sigh*
Who knows? I guess all I really wanted to do is just word vomit here for a bit. Let everything out. Frustration, sadness, anger, doldrums...
Methinks that it will be time very soon to spend one-on-one away from people and technology, from demands, from the world. At times I feel horrendously guilty doing this, but I know that if I don't...well, I'll allow myself to become overused, which doesn't help anyone at all.
So all that to say...I'm looking forward to house-sitting again. And being away for awhile. Mayhaps even forget to turn on my cell phone for a day...or 3. And to just allow myself to sit, read, study, ponder, meditate and listen.
When all else fails, and I draw myself away to the mountain, this, like nothing else, works. Oh Lord Jesus, may Sunday night come soon enough to be drawn away with You.
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Oh my beautiful, wonderful stars!! :)
So, today was an incredibly amazing day. Why? Not because something spectacular happened (because it didn't). Not because of a special occasion (other than Papa T's bday, which of course is special!). But because I got to just...do fun stuff. :) I mean, I do fun stuff frequently. But today, I went DRESS shopping. Yes, that's right. Dress shopping.
If you know me well, you kinda know what a big deal this is for me. I maybe buy one dress. Once a year. Usually around my birthday so I can have an excuse to dress up. (Probably one of the only, rarest of times, I dress up completely, make-up, hair and all.) Not only did I buy a dress, but it was in a lower size (yippee for workouts!) than previously owned/bought dresses. :) And it has a belt. (which are my least favorite things in the world)
That being said, I even BOUGHT JEWELRY. Yes. That's right. AND my little earrings (clip-on since I can't actually wear earrings...)
AND I busted out the 4 inch heels. (I know...everyone should be gasping by now. haha)
That being said...I paraded around the house in my heels. Why? Uh, 'cause those things are miserably uncomfortable, and I hate wearing heels, and I wanted to practice on 'em. (I know...I'm such a nerd. But you all love me anyway!)
Anywho...I just felt like dressing up for tomorrow evening. So, I'm gonna do it. I am even going to try out a new hairdo.
Which got me to thinking. 'Cause I had forgotten about this...
Now, officially, 1 more day before June 12th. It's a little weird, thinking about it. Was talking to the roomie...it's just...weird. I mean, that means that I'm free to have romance in the life, if He brings it that way.
Just...weird! haha Not in a bad way, but more like...that hasn't really been what I've been dwelling on for the past year. I've been focused on healing, freedom, deliverance...sitting before Him, learning His heart, His likes, dislikes...understanding Him as a lover, a friend, my husband, my all in all.
And dressing up, well, playing practice dress-up, reminded me of how much I want to please Him so. As I was walking, practicing the hairdo, etc., all I kept hearing was that He said I'm beautiful. :) Which made me giddy like a school girl! haha And that the outward is showing what's going on in the inward parts. Freedom. Healing. Deliverance.
Little by little, the pieces of the things that have tied me down, burdened, placed so much heaviness and strife...are falling away. It doesn't mean life is easier. It just means that I'm understanding how to walk in freedom.
Some days are better than others. But I'm learning how to battle. How to fight. How to become the woman who He has created, and loved on. I'm learning that what others see in me, isn't just them being nice, but is the truth. The lies are falling away, and the truth is becoming unveiled, piece by piece.
And the great thing is...all I want to do now is dance, and jump, and laugh, and play, and rejoice, and run free.
Which is probably why I've been dancing so much lately. Even in the car. (I get the most oddest looks sometimes...even had a guy staring at me from his rearview mirror...which I just waved to him, actually.) It's been SOOOOO amazing to be free. Truly free. The puzzle pieces have been coming together. There's no confusion. So strife.
There's just a learning how, step by step, to walk out this freedom. And a daily reminder to not pick up what was left behind, flung off, and thrown aside.
With that being said, 1 more day. But a lifetime of loving my Abba, my Lord, my Husband, the Lover of me. :) Can't wait!!!!!! :)
If you know me well, you kinda know what a big deal this is for me. I maybe buy one dress. Once a year. Usually around my birthday so I can have an excuse to dress up. (Probably one of the only, rarest of times, I dress up completely, make-up, hair and all.) Not only did I buy a dress, but it was in a lower size (yippee for workouts!) than previously owned/bought dresses. :) And it has a belt. (which are my least favorite things in the world)
That being said, I even BOUGHT JEWELRY. Yes. That's right. AND my little earrings (clip-on since I can't actually wear earrings...)
AND I busted out the 4 inch heels. (I know...everyone should be gasping by now. haha)
That being said...I paraded around the house in my heels. Why? Uh, 'cause those things are miserably uncomfortable, and I hate wearing heels, and I wanted to practice on 'em. (I know...I'm such a nerd. But you all love me anyway!)
Anywho...I just felt like dressing up for tomorrow evening. So, I'm gonna do it. I am even going to try out a new hairdo.
Which got me to thinking. 'Cause I had forgotten about this...
Now, officially, 1 more day before June 12th. It's a little weird, thinking about it. Was talking to the roomie...it's just...weird. I mean, that means that I'm free to have romance in the life, if He brings it that way.
Just...weird! haha Not in a bad way, but more like...that hasn't really been what I've been dwelling on for the past year. I've been focused on healing, freedom, deliverance...sitting before Him, learning His heart, His likes, dislikes...understanding Him as a lover, a friend, my husband, my all in all.
And dressing up, well, playing practice dress-up, reminded me of how much I want to please Him so. As I was walking, practicing the hairdo, etc., all I kept hearing was that He said I'm beautiful. :) Which made me giddy like a school girl! haha And that the outward is showing what's going on in the inward parts. Freedom. Healing. Deliverance.
Little by little, the pieces of the things that have tied me down, burdened, placed so much heaviness and strife...are falling away. It doesn't mean life is easier. It just means that I'm understanding how to walk in freedom.
Some days are better than others. But I'm learning how to battle. How to fight. How to become the woman who He has created, and loved on. I'm learning that what others see in me, isn't just them being nice, but is the truth. The lies are falling away, and the truth is becoming unveiled, piece by piece.
And the great thing is...all I want to do now is dance, and jump, and laugh, and play, and rejoice, and run free.
Which is probably why I've been dancing so much lately. Even in the car. (I get the most oddest looks sometimes...even had a guy staring at me from his rearview mirror...which I just waved to him, actually.) It's been SOOOOO amazing to be free. Truly free. The puzzle pieces have been coming together. There's no confusion. So strife.
There's just a learning how, step by step, to walk out this freedom. And a daily reminder to not pick up what was left behind, flung off, and thrown aside.
With that being said, 1 more day. But a lifetime of loving my Abba, my Lord, my Husband, the Lover of me. :) Can't wait!!!!!! :)
Sunday, June 5, 2011
8 days and counting...
...til what, you might ask. Glad you asked, by the way! :)
8 days until the exact date (June 12, 2010) that I committed a year to sit before the Lord. 8 days (well, technically now 7, but I don't count it that way since I've yet to go to bed). It's been a very bittersweet journey this past year.
This year saw me through counseling, familial separation, friendship separation/parting, deliverance, healings, new friendships, healing of old friendships, new ministerial settings, and so much more. This year also brought me to new heights and depths spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.
To think...where I was last year at this time, to where He has placed me/taken me to this year. What a journey! Like I said, bittersweet.
Truth be told...
I can't believe it's been almost a year. I was writing my letter to my darling future man (yeah, call me a sap, so what?!), and reflecting on this journey. And how much has taken place. And that in just two months, I'll be 28. And not only that, but just how much life can happen in one year.
One of the things, though, on a more serious note regarding heart matters, is that the verse, "Do not awaken love before its time." keeps marching through my head. So, I've been sitting, reflecting, reading, praying, on what that means. What that looks like. And at times, I can be quite impatient to want to awaken that love, in my own timing, my own way. Wondering who's out there, who He has for me. But this year has been setting that aside, laying that desire at the cross and at His feet, in order to see past all of that, to the heart of the matter: His love for me.
And oh my what a love! Today, I actually did a bit of girlie shopping and browsing. (If you know me, you know I'm not a shopper by heart or nature.) I tried on clothes. And even bought a piece of jewelry (*gasp*). Then, I came back home, and got SOOOO excited! haha I was praying as I was trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow to church, and I was telling Him that I just wanted to look pretty and feminine and beautiful while I worshiped Him. Why? Not to attract a man. But because that's how He sees me. Tonight, as I sat looking in my closet and battling those ugly voices saying things against the Word, tonight, I instead heard the One voice that mattered, and told me how beautiful and amazing I am. How much He enjoys me. And how much He's been enjoying our time together. Ending, today, a 3 day fast, by celebrating His absolute love for me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...that tonight, I FELT beautiful. I FELT His smile, and caress, and love for me. And what's inside my heart. And tonight, we talked like lovers...what I was going to wear tomorrow, what my day was like, what I longed for, what I missed out on, and just listening to Him talk back to me, telling me the things He's done, like give me extra sweet sleep, allowing me to relax and rest in Him, just listening Him whisper His wonders as I read the Word, sit in prayer, meditate in His gloriousness. :)
Looking back...this year as been a year of growing intimacy. More of Him. Less of me. A year that I can't believe as been, at times, furiously fast-paced, and unbearingly slow.
8 days and counting, and the year of "no romance" is up. 8 days. And the one thing most that I've realized...I like not dwelling on guys, or marriage, or romance, or dating. I like that my heart/mind/time haven't been divided in that way. But instead, I was able to sit more before His throne. But it also showed me that I want to continue in that. I want to continue walking in Him, being that close to Him. And that having a relationship won't change that, when/if the time comes for that. But instead, it will enhance it, grow my relationship with the Lord, as we seek Him together.
And in that, I'm learning not to be afraid of marriage, or romance, or relationships. But instead to embrace whatever He may bring my way, be it singleness, a relationship/courtship, or marriage. Either way, I'm looking forward to another journey. And to seeing words fulfilled. :)
8 days and counting, my friends! :)
8 days until the exact date (June 12, 2010) that I committed a year to sit before the Lord. 8 days (well, technically now 7, but I don't count it that way since I've yet to go to bed). It's been a very bittersweet journey this past year.
This year saw me through counseling, familial separation, friendship separation/parting, deliverance, healings, new friendships, healing of old friendships, new ministerial settings, and so much more. This year also brought me to new heights and depths spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically.
To think...where I was last year at this time, to where He has placed me/taken me to this year. What a journey! Like I said, bittersweet.
Truth be told...
I can't believe it's been almost a year. I was writing my letter to my darling future man (yeah, call me a sap, so what?!), and reflecting on this journey. And how much has taken place. And that in just two months, I'll be 28. And not only that, but just how much life can happen in one year.
One of the things, though, on a more serious note regarding heart matters, is that the verse, "Do not awaken love before its time." keeps marching through my head. So, I've been sitting, reflecting, reading, praying, on what that means. What that looks like. And at times, I can be quite impatient to want to awaken that love, in my own timing, my own way. Wondering who's out there, who He has for me. But this year has been setting that aside, laying that desire at the cross and at His feet, in order to see past all of that, to the heart of the matter: His love for me.
And oh my what a love! Today, I actually did a bit of girlie shopping and browsing. (If you know me, you know I'm not a shopper by heart or nature.) I tried on clothes. And even bought a piece of jewelry (*gasp*). Then, I came back home, and got SOOOO excited! haha I was praying as I was trying to figure out what to wear tomorrow to church, and I was telling Him that I just wanted to look pretty and feminine and beautiful while I worshiped Him. Why? Not to attract a man. But because that's how He sees me. Tonight, as I sat looking in my closet and battling those ugly voices saying things against the Word, tonight, I instead heard the One voice that mattered, and told me how beautiful and amazing I am. How much He enjoys me. And how much He's been enjoying our time together. Ending, today, a 3 day fast, by celebrating His absolute love for me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is...that tonight, I FELT beautiful. I FELT His smile, and caress, and love for me. And what's inside my heart. And tonight, we talked like lovers...what I was going to wear tomorrow, what my day was like, what I longed for, what I missed out on, and just listening to Him talk back to me, telling me the things He's done, like give me extra sweet sleep, allowing me to relax and rest in Him, just listening Him whisper His wonders as I read the Word, sit in prayer, meditate in His gloriousness. :)
Looking back...this year as been a year of growing intimacy. More of Him. Less of me. A year that I can't believe as been, at times, furiously fast-paced, and unbearingly slow.
8 days and counting, and the year of "no romance" is up. 8 days. And the one thing most that I've realized...I like not dwelling on guys, or marriage, or romance, or dating. I like that my heart/mind/time haven't been divided in that way. But instead, I was able to sit more before His throne. But it also showed me that I want to continue in that. I want to continue walking in Him, being that close to Him. And that having a relationship won't change that, when/if the time comes for that. But instead, it will enhance it, grow my relationship with the Lord, as we seek Him together.
And in that, I'm learning not to be afraid of marriage, or romance, or relationships. But instead to embrace whatever He may bring my way, be it singleness, a relationship/courtship, or marriage. Either way, I'm looking forward to another journey. And to seeing words fulfilled. :)
8 days and counting, my friends! :)
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