My own confession of a divided heart

This is probably one of the hardest things I've written so far in this blog journal.  One thing that I have the hardest time to admit...and I'm doing it publically.

You see, I've just read this blog that He used to convict me.  http://www.sammyadebiyi.com/blogs/sammy-adebiyi/confessions-a-divided-heart

You see, I have a divided heart.  And I have been noticing it for awhile. Where does this division come from, you ask?  (I'm glad you did.)

*take a deep breath

My divided heart comes from the fact that I am considered in the overweight/obese category.  That I have been sitting here for quite some time, and instead of exercising, moving, whatever it may be...it's been easier to hide in food.  The cookies, ice cream, Warm Delights, snacks, hot pockets...

That, if I'm completely truthful, I long to be healthy, but I'm scared of the process.  I'm scared of what would happen if I did lose the weight. I'm scared if I would change, me, my personality.  If I would take it all for granted, and become someone I'm not.  I'm scared to be seen.  To be known.

The truth...I'm just plain scared.

I know.

For some of you, you have no idea what this feels like.  And probably never will.  And that's okay.  I'm glad you don't.  But for others, like me, who hide behind food, sex, drugs, alcohol, or any other addiction...you know what I'm talking about.  This space, this double-mindedness, where you long for what's good, what's true...but you don't know how to stop the horrible cycle you find yourself in.

I'm here to say...I understand.

But I don't have the answers.  Not really.  All I have...
Is a desire to figure out how to change.  A desire to seek Him and to throw myself at His feet and ask Him to take it all away.

The desire and cry of my heart is to not give myself over to this addiction to food, but to understand how to become free from it.

Is it an easy process?  Um, no.  Not by any means.  And right now, everything in me is crying out to not do this.  That it's too hard, that I'll never change, that I CAN'T DO THIS.

And right now, that seems like such an easy thing to believe.

So, what does that mean?

It means...I'm going to have to pray and fast.  I'm going to have to seek Him to find what He wants me to do. I'm going to have to listen closely to His voice.

Why?  Because I want Him too desperately.  And I don't want to be addicted to food anymore.  I don't want to live for food anymore.  I've found myself grumpy, depressed and moody.  I know it's because I've allowed the enemy in in this matter.

But the good news...The good news is is that He wants to free me.  Does that mean instantaneous freedom?  No.  But it does mean that He'll hold my hand every step of the way.

Thank my Jesus.

And that, dear hearts, is my confession of a divided heart.