word vomit

Ever just have one of those moments where you want to sob and tear, and just breakdown for just a little bit?
Or how about those moments where you feel so overwhelmed, that no matter which way you go, it just feels like there's more things coming at ya?
Or when you stand and look, and can't seem to get your bearings, and life is passing you by so quickly?

It's been that kinda time.

After finally sitting down/resting/having a moment of peace to myself today, cleaning up the room, I realized how frustrated I am with certain things.  Even with God.  Actually, it all stems from God.

I
am
frustrated!

Sitting here,
Contending.
Wanting so much more,
Waiting.

I'm tired of the wait.

I want more.

I want the desires of my heart.
I want the things promised, the things foretold, the things I know that are coming.

And I want them now.

How about THAT for patience?

If I'm honest, I want the thing that is deep-most in my heart, the thing I long for the most, the thing that, in the secret of the night, I think about, dream about, talk about, in the secret place.

And I wonder if it will ever happen, ever come to pass.
I wonder if I will ever see the desires of my heart.

And as I sit here and wait, I get so frustrated.
With myself, with others.
With being needed, with having so much on my plate...
And having to learn how to deal with things once again.

I get so frustrated.
I wish I knew how to do this thing called life.
At least much better than what I think I'm doing now.
And sometimes, just sometimes, I wish that I could talk to others who know EXACTLY what I'm talking about, in EVERY arena/area of life.
But as of yet, I really haven't.
Not really, truth be told.
I mean, people understand, and I'm appreciative of that...
But it's different when it's someone who understands your heart, and the way you think.
And who can accept that, listen, and just shut up for a bit and not say anything back (more like, just listen and cry with me, and laugh with me, and love me even throughout the craziness of life and venting).

I guess this is just me venting.

I'm tired of the one upmanship.
The trying to compete.
The comparison games.
I
want
more.

I'm demanding more.
Not in an arrogant way.
But asking Him, "Why aren't I seeing more?  What's going on?  Why do I feel this dissatisfaction, this discontent?"

I mean, I'm doing what He's telling me to do.
I'm walking where He wants me to walk.
I'm even getting rid of things He's asking of me.
I'm doing an inventory of my heart, my room, my house...everything.
And even still, just this dissatisfaction.  And I don't know why.

*sigh*

Maybe it's cause I need a good cry.  Maybe it's because I just need to sit and not be around anyone for awhile. (Okay, if I'm honest w/ myself, this statement just hit the nail.)  Maybe it's because I need to get back to a place where He is my first priority rather than my last, my second, third, whatever. (another home run hit here)

All that to say...

Activities and things are good,
But they're not His great.
And I lost sight of priorities in the hecticness of things starting up again.
Trying not to stress.
Not to fumble.
Re-learning how to live life with Him as my first in the midst of chaos, the storms, work, life, being a friend...

And I haven't found the balance.
And I wish I could be an island for a bit, find the balance, then come back to dry land.
I wish that, as I told a friend, I could be left alone to just sit and talk and pray.  I mean, REALLY left alone. No questions, no prayer requests, no words of wisdom, no teaching, no...well, anything.  Just time to myself.  Me, a pen, a Bible, and a notebook.  And my music.  And just begin to write everything down.

Which is how today's post is coming to be...
me, worship music and a keyboard.  This is me pouring out my heart, my mind, everything....the emotions, the junk.
This is word vomit.
How I've missed my computer and the ability to just sit with everything I need.
As much as I appreciate house-sitting, I've missed having MY space, MY things, having everything I need to do what I do best....which is soak.

I wish I knew of a better way...because I've missed this the most.
Jesus, how I've missed You.
How I've missed our times together, the times where life didn't get in the way, I didn't get phone calls or texts, I wasn't needed to answer questions...
I've missed our quiet times, Jesus.  I've missed the times sitting by the pool and just talking to You.  I've missed Your chair and mine.
I've missed You so much.
And it was me that had started to drift.
And no conference, no person, no thing, can get me to You like me pouring out my heart and listening to Your words of love, words of peace, words of romance wooing my heart once again.

"For the Spirit and the Bride say come, O that You would rend the heavens, O that You would rend the heavens, O that You would rend the heavens and come down."
This is my cry in this season.
This is why the tears drop as I type, pray, think, hope.
This is what I long for...to be close to You once again.
JESUS

JESUS

JESUS

JESUS

All I need is You.
All I want is You.
All I long for is You.
Thank You for welcoming me back in Your arms.
Thanks for saving my chair.
Thanks for listening.
I love You.
I know my heart is safe with You.
I know the desires of my heart will come in time.  Your time.
Thank You for Your peace.
Your healing.
Your wisdom.
I love You.
I won't let the enemy win.
I won't stop contending.
I won't stop fighting.
I will hold onto the promises given.
I will send my angels to get those promises.
I will pray for the open doors.
I will believe and stand firm in the promises and hope given.
I will remain in Your word.
I will walk in Your peace.
I will choose righteousness.
I will stand,
And even if all else fails,
I will continue to stand.
Even on my knees,
Crawling to the cross,
I will keep You before me,
Knowing that nothing else matters but You.
I love You.
I will not lose hope.
I will not have confidence in the flesh.
I will believe until I see.
And I will stand upon the rock of my salvation.
JESUS