Freedom, Determination & Strength

I love this picture a friend of mine took while I obviously wasn't looking.  While we talked,  the one thing he kept mentioning was the look of freedom on my face. And how I seem so different from the last time we saw each other.

Yesterday was a big milestone for me. My first ever obstacle race.  By myself.  With no one to rely on. Just my faith & I out on that 4.25-4.5mi stretch of sheer torture.  Having to push myself to keep going, but in turn having others encourage me along the way. Complete strangers mind you. That last mile stretch,  my tears were hidden in the mud as I realized something.  I started this journey with the need to cling to others,  needing so much.  But now, as my fitness partners are no more, I've learned to rely on the strength & faith He has given me. Feeling so alone these past 2 months, knowing that so many changes were coming...I took yesterday as a way...a way to prove to myself just how strong I am. Just how tough I am. But also to show myself that I don't need to rely on anyone but Him. HE is my strength.

And throughout every part yesterday,  as much as I wanted to quit & give up mile after mile, I told myself to keep going, keep pushing.  And with each mile that passed,  the more tired my body got, the more determined my spirit became. The more determined I was to finish this through.

And I did it. Injuries and all, I did it. And@ 1 point,  with no one around to cheer me on, I pushed myself even more. No other voices in my head except 1: "Beautiful Beloved".

At about mile 2 was when I began to hear all of the crap that was spoken over me, said & unsaid. The labels placed on me. And that's when I began to get angry. I began to speak out against those things,  & I will say part of what fueled me was my anger. Because I'm none of those things.  I. Am. Me.

Even now as tears stream down my face, I can hear that beloved voice so much more clearly.  And I can feel the weights of my past, my present and my future fall away.  Step by step.  Mile after mile. I knew I was never going back. It's too late for me.

So, what do I see in the mirror today? Someone who is absolutely beautiful.  She is tough,  strong & determined.  Her identity is found in her Beloved & not in others.  Her spirit was once broken,  but now free. She knows who she is & makes no apologies for it. She knows what she wants & is no longer afraid to go for it. She is smart,  a fighter, & walks with conviction & purpose.  She is passionate & loves to love.

Her name is Alex.
Welcome to the new me.